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Narrator: Previously, on "This"
I have to find my real father
Yeah!
And then kill him
Yeah... wait, what?
Narrator: And now for the thrilling final installment of... "This"
Nothing. Absolutely nothing
Find anything, Seto?
No, Mokuba, I didn't
Oh, I thought maybe you found something on the computer
I just said:
Nothing. Absolutely nothing
Like, right before you asked me that.
I thought maybe you were just thinking out loud
I was... about "This"
The situation we're in right now
That's what I was thinking about
Oooohh...
So did you find anything?
Wait, I think I may have found something
What is it, Seto?
It's a flimsy connection, but it's the only one I can find
Soon, I will know the identity of... my real father
I thought Gozaburo was our father
Mokuba, go back to sleep
Ok, wake me when you find something, Seto
It's taking every ounce of my strength
To stop myself from smothering him
Narrator: Meanwhile, over here
Sir
It seems that Seto Kaiba is dangerously close to learning the truth
Indeed, Zarbon! Little good it will do him though
Kaiba will never know the identity of his real father
Hahahahaha
Narrator: And now, back over there
Was that a DragonBall Z cameo?
Geez, knowing my luck,
My father's going to turn out to be Ghost Nappa
That's pretty much how these things usually go
Aaaahh
But you gotta admit, Seto, Nappa sure is funny
Yeah, I liked him better when he was called "Tristan".
Ooooooh! Sick burn there, Kaiba-boy
Shut up, Pegasus
You know why I'm here
So start talking
Now, dear dear Kaiba boy,
Why would I know anything about your father?
You created Duel Monsters
Yes, but that doesn't mean I know everything
Are you kidding me?
Everytime something f**ked up happens in this series,
You show up and start explaining things
So make with the explanations
I wanna know where I come from
I wanna know who my father was
I wanna know what love is!
I want you to show me!
I don't know what to tell you
It's as much a mystery to me as it is to you
You know who else I like? Lanipator
I think you'll find it's pronounced "Lani-pay-der"
No, no, Say it with me, Seto
"Lani-pah-tore"
Lanipator!
Do it! Say it! Talk the words!
Pegasus!
What?
I need the information
Well, I could tell you what I know, but...
But what?
Lani...
You would have to do something for me first
I'm listening...hesitantly
Pator
Something dirty
Go on
Something very very dirty
So dirty that you'll need to take a shower once we're finished
WHAT?! What is it?!
You have to watch...
Spice World: The Movie!
Noooo...
With me
Noooo...
And it's the sing-along version!
No! No! NO!
Well, I guess in that case, you'll never learn the truth
Can I at least wear a blindfold
Oooh! Kaiba-boy! I had no idea you had it in you!
What? We're just watching a movie, right?
Oh, right. The movie
*"Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background*
That was... horrifying
This.. must be... how... war veterans feel...
To have experienced such brutality... such...
Unforgettable horrors
A part of me died today
Perhaps the best part
Very well, Kaiba
Since you kept up your end of the bargain,
I must divulge the naughty little secret I've been keeping all this time
Oh, I'm sure you're keeping a lot of secrets, Pegasus
A LOT of secrets
Like the fact that he's gay!
Thank you, Mokuba
I really needed you to translate my sarcastic quip
You're welcome, bro
Lean closer, Kaiba
I will tell you who you must speak to in order to learn the truth...
By whispering the information into your ear
Ok, but the moment I feel tongue,
I'm getting the f**k out of dodge
Narrator: Later, in the sky
Uh, Seto, that bird just flipped us off
Just ignore him, Mokuba
Hey! Big dumb bird! You're a jerk!
Mokuba, stop, that's what he wants
He wants you to react
I'll give him a reaction
Right upside his big dumb bird head
Mokuba, you're making us look ridiculous
Now please
Let me concentrate on flying my giant dragon-shaped jet plane
How is that bird even flying as fast as us?
And why can't I blink?
Narrator: Meanwhile, later on subsequently in a location
That could be described as... "Here"
So Pegasus told us to come here
And here we are
So, what happens now?
Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past: Correction!
The question you should be asking yourselves is...
What happens 5000 years from now?
Oh good. YOU
That's right, Kaiba. ME
Seto! It's a cylon!
No, Mokuba
This is just the delusional robot
Who occasionally appears
To tell me something important about my past
Hey, wait a minute!
Are you here to tell me about my father?
Yes. That is my purpose, Kaiba
To answer all your tedious questions about your insignificant little life
Which is actually very important for some reason
My god...
There is no god
Really?
I don't know
It's pretty unlikely though, I mean, look around
Look,
I only have one question to ask you right now
Who is my real father?
Your real father
Yes, my father
Your father
That's right, my real father
Your real father
Right. Who is he?
Who IS your real father?
That's what I'm asking
Your father. Who is he?
That is what you are asking
*"Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background*
So what you are asking me is...
What is the identity of the father of you who is the genuine Kaiba article?!
Just tell me who my real father is!
Very well
You've waited this long
And you've brought me the precious gemstone I requested
I didn't bring you no gemstone
Wait, seriously?
I didn't ask you to get me that yet?
No
Never mind! Your real father, Kaiba, is...
Yes?
Is...
Yes?
You're sure you're ready for this?
GIVE ME THE DAMN ANSWER!
Alright, but let me tell you,
This is one crazy-*** plot twist
Because as it turns out...
You do not have a father!
Wait, WHAT?!
What kind of George Lucas bullsh*t is this?
What?
Was I conceived by the Midi-chlorians or something?
No, Kaiba. Nothing as lame as that
Because you see...
Thousands of years ago,
Before David Bowie's "Life on Mars" became a hit single,
You were an ancient Egyptian priest
But that wasn't really you, It was somebody else
When your cousin, the great pharaoh died,
Everybody was really depressed about it, except you
You were happy because it meant you got to be in charge for a while
But then, all of a sudden...
Aliens invaded!
And you were killed by their intergalactic overlord,
Whose name just happened to be "Frieza"
Oh, that's right
I guess I forgot that history and fanfiction were interchangeable
If you would let me finish!
Kind-of building up to something here
The aliens were happy because everyone was dead
Except for the slaves
The slaves were helping the aliens to build more pyramids
Just like in Alien vs Predator, starring Lance Henriksen
But the slaves eventually grew tired and died of exhaustion
And being whipped to death by the alien space-whips
So Frieza devised a plan to fix all their problems
He decided to create a robot being
That could do the work of a thousand slaves
A robot that looked like you, Kaiba
Uh, What?
And so Frieza had the remaining slaves build a cybernetic organism
Made to look like their previous ruler
And they named it: "The Seto-bot 5000"
But Frieza thought the name to be stupid
And grew very bored of all the sand
So he left, taking his invasion force with him
And so the robot was abandoned on Earth, never to be activated...
Until now
So, you're telling me that I'm a robot created by aliens?
Yes. Why?
Does that not fit in with all the established canon?
Because I'm pretty sure I could explain away any inconsistencies...
If you gave me about 10 minutes
No. Normally, I would call you and idiot and then leave,
But this does explain a lot
Like my complete lack of anything resembling an emotion
And the fact that I've always had this strange desire
To build pyramids and be whipped while doing it
And the fact that you don't have a ***
Eh, that too
Yeah, but what about your birthmark, Seto?
The one that says "Made in Egypt"?
Yeah!... Oooohhh... Oh
So, I'm a robot
Hmm, that actually gives me a lot of closure
Not to mention the fact that it opens the door
For all kinds of fan complaints down the road
Wait, if he's a robot, then what about me?
Who's my real father?
Ghost Nappa!
Oh
*"Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background*
Wait wait wait wait wait! Hold on!
If I don't have a father, then who wrote that letter?
What letter?
The letter from the first video!
The one that was trying to blackmail me
Oh right. Uhh...
I thought you would have forgotten about that by now
I mean, I sure as hell did
Ok, but who wrote it?
Ummm... The smoke monster from Lost!
Huh
Does that answer all your questions?
Hmm, not really
Too bad!
*"Spice up your life" by Spice Girls plays in background*