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On New Year's Eve, I met Rachel.
She was interesting and smart and attractive.
And for about five minutes, I had her convinced that I was too.
Things like political events. Yeah. Are you, uh...
Okay. in television?
Am I in television? No. No. Mm-hmm.
Everyone else is in television. I watch television. Yeah.
Right. Right. So you're more in front of it than in it.
In it, yeah. Yeah. I get it. Yeah.
It was torture. For five minutes I realized...
what life would be like if I were, in any way, interesting.
If I had anything to say for myself. If I did anything.
But I didn't do anything.
And in about 30 seconds she'd know, and she'd be gone like a shot.
So, what do you do?
Well, I'm sort of taking a bit of time off at the moment.
Oh, that sounds good, yeah. Time off from what?
Well, to be absolutely honest, time off...
from time off, in fact.
The interesting thing about me is I don't actually do anything.
You don't do anything? Actually, no.
Nothing? Nope.
Wow.
That's, um--
Now, Rachel darling? Yeah?
East Coast or West Coast rap?
Oh, God, I have absolutely--
There. She was gone.
There was no more to say.
All rap music sounds exactly the same to me. Or was there?
I tell you, I know a 1 2-year-old who'd kill you for saying that.
Really? Yes.
So do I. Yeah?
Yeah. What's yours called? Mine?
Mm-hmm. Well, he-- Uh--
He's called Marcus. Mine's Ali. Alistair.
And there it was. It wasn't a lie.
It was 1 00% her assumption.
Well, 50% at the very least.
I was in fantasyland again.
But this time it was different. SPA Twas for fun.
This was serious.
I acted in self-defense.
Ten, nine, eight, We arranged to get our lads together...
seven, six, five, which means we arranged for us to get together.
five, four, three, two, one. Single parents, alone together.
Hey, happy New Year!
I was in deep trouble.
And there was only one person who could help me out.