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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Ah, Joe, thank you so much
for inviting us to your barbecue.
Well, it's my pleasure, Lois.
Hey, can one of you other men come over here
and comment on the meat while I'm cooking it?
Yeah, I got it.
Oh, yeah, oh, those are looking good.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Yeah, don't flip 'em too often, now.
You don't want to lose the juices.
Yeah, yeah, coming along nicely.
Oh, those are cooking just fine.
Scoop that one up
and put it back down in the exact same spot.
All right, they're done. Time to eat.
Oh boy, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
I, uh... I misspoke.
(whinnying)
Wow, Bonnie, you've really took off the baby weight quickly.
Oh, thanks, Lois.
Hey, do you mind rubbing some of that sunblock on my back?
Of course, Bonnie.
Ooh, but I don't want to get any on my shirt.
Mmm, that feels good.
Um, you're going a little low there, Lois.
(laughing): Okay, I'm sorry.
Giggity.
Aw, Joe, Susie's such a cute baby.
Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?
Sad.
I won't let you walk out of here without that dress.
Oh, I don't know. Will I ever wear it?
Yes, you will. You've got that thing
for the opening of the library next week.
It's perfect for that.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, look, it's Black Barbie.
Why are you all alone?
Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend.
Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut.
Hey! I was playing with that!
Hey, come back here!
All right, you asked for it.
(rustling, blow landing)
Holy crap!
All right, let's try that one again.
(grunting)
(crying)
Oh, my God, Stewie!
Ha! Your kid got beat up by a baby girl.
Aw, man, this is more painful to watch
than when Family Ties does a Tina Yothers episode.
MEREDITH BAXTER-BIRNEY: Jennifer, what happened in school today?
TINA YOTHERS: I got my period!
And I will see the Keaton family next week.
Okay, now, sweetie, this isn't gonna hurt at all.
Aah! Those lying *** at Johnson & Johnson!
We'll put "no more tears" on the label.
But it does make you cry.
I know.
(both laugh maniacally)
(thunder crashing)
Lois, you should just let those wounds get infected.
It'll teach him a lesson about being tough.
Peter, he's just a baby.
You got to let this go.
My baby boy got beat up by a girl.
What was weird was that she was crying,
but the way she was standing over me made it look
like I was crying, which was weird.
Peter, what exactly are you worried
is gonna happen because of this?
World War V.
Peter, we've been over this.
There has to be a World War III and IV first.
Oh, no. Oh, no. That's the beauty
of World War V, Lois.
It's so intense, it skips over the other two.
Peter, it doesn't work...
I have spoken!
(gasps)
There's Connie D'Amico.
Chris, don't walk next to me.
Hi, Connie.
Uh, so I heard you talking in the hall the other day
about how much you liked High School Musical 2,
so I burned you the soundtrack.
Okay, prepare for itemized insults.
A: Don't ever listen to me talk.
You don't deserve my words.
B: When I said I enjoyed it, I was speaking ironically.
And C: You actually like High School Musical?
What are you, eight?
No, that's impossible, because I've seen that big,
hairy mud-flap *** of yours in the locker room.
Questions?
Hey, Meg, take that!
(farts)
(laughter)
That was awesome!
The joke's kind of on us, 'cause we're smelling it!
Awesome!
Sweet!
Ugh! Scott is such an idiot.
I'm totally breaking up with him.
I'm gonna switch to one of the other popular guys.
But, Connie, you've gone out
with, like, every popular boy in this school.
(sighs) Yeah, you're right.
God, they all suck so much.
I need a new challenge.
What if-- wait, now, bear with me on this--
what if I date a loser
and make him over into a popular guy?
Wow, great idea. I'm glad I hung in there.
Now, who are the biggest losers in this school?
Well, there's Smiley McGee.
Hello!
CONNIE: Nah. I hear he's a bed-wetter.
GINA: And Chris Griffin.
Oh, my God, I can smell him from here.
He's perfect.
God, you're right.
He smells like Fred Flinstone's ***!
Hey! No one's asking you to smell it.
All right, Stewie,
your dad's gonna help you learn how to be a man.
Real men have a couple of beers,
and then project their inadequacies on their kids.
What's that?
What?
No, I didn't say that.
So I guess you think
you would have been some kind of big shot by my age, huh?
Done things differently? Gotten that promotion?
I don't even know what you do.
Well, let me tell you something.
You're nothing, and you're never gonna be nothing.
Now let's sit here and watch Spike TV.
MAN (on TV): You're watching Spike TV!
Full of stuff men like!
(car wheels screeching)
(loud punching)
(toilet flushing)
(farting)
(gunshot)
(woman moaning)
Yeah, that stuff.
Wow, my favorite--
PB and J with the crusts cut off.
What did you get?
That's it?
No, I also got an orange peel
and a picture of Mom eating a turkey leg.
(gasps)
Oh, my God, Connie's coming over to talk to me.
Sit up straight.
Hey, Meg, nice posture. Get lost.
Thank you.
Chris Griffin, you are undoubtedly
the most unpopular boy in school.
I am? What about Smiley McGee over there?
Hello!
You and I are going on a date Saturday night.
Um... okay.
I'll see you then.
Why would she go out with me?
She must be more drunk
than Santa Claus when he got that DUI.
No, no, it wasn't my fault.
Some guy in a Plymouth totally cut me off.
Sir, they don't make Plymouths anymore.
Are you Jewish?
Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the sleigh.
All right, Stewie, we're gonna get you nice and pumped up.
Now you see that barbell over there?
Go ahead and try and lift that.
(grunting)
Uh oh, spadoodie-ohs.
I notice your kid is having some trouble.
You're telling me.
Oh, your kid just needs a little help.
I got something that'll get him going.
Well, if there's anyone I can trust,
it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle.
Here, Stewie, try this.
Aah! What the hell are you do...?
Whoa! Oh, my!
Suddenly I'm full of energy!
Alright, fat man, let's do this!
(inspirational music playing)
Wow, Stewie, you look like a new man.
Well, will you look at me?
I have the power!
ANNOUNCER (on TV): We now return
to Lady and the *** and Michael Vick.
♪♪
(music stops, dogs yelps)
(dogs whimpering)
Hello, family.
(grunting)
Does anyone need the remote?
Oh, my God!
What the hell happened to Stewie?
Yeah, looks good, doesn't he?
Let's see that little ***,
Susie Swanson, beat him up now.
Wait a minute, how do you know she's gay?
Short haircut, stubby legs,
doesn't respond to my advances.
You haven't answered my question!
Why the hell does Stewie look like this?!
Well, I took him to the gym and the colorful gent there
advised me that I put him on steroids.
Yeah, I believe everything
everyone tells me anywhere.
What's going on, B-minus?
Stewie, you look gross.
You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.
I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym.
It has nothing to do with the gym, you're on drugs.
Doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B-to-the-ryan.
All that matters is that you beat the Leprechauns.
That doesn't make any sense.
Doesn't have to make sense when you look like this.
(grunts)
I am hotter than phone sex with a blind girl.
You sound hot.
What are you wearing?
I don't know.
ANNOUNCER (on radio): Classic rock 103.7 WHTT.
I hate this station.
They always make promises they can't deliver.
Playing the greatest rock and roll hits of all time.
♪ We built this city... ♪
Chris, turn that off.
We have a lot of work to do before we go inside.
All right, if I'm going to be seen with you,
we have to do something about that look.
Now, take that hat off.
(bat squeaking)
Oh, God, your hair's all combed.
Here, let me fix that.
All right, good.
Now, let's give you a pencil-thin, *** bag beard.
Oh, heavens, I look like a rake.
No, you look like you don't care, and that's good.
Oh, okay.
Um, if we're dating, does that mean
Good idea.
Then everyone will think you're popular.
Well, I don't really care about that.
I want to hold your hand 'cause I like you.
I don't understand.
Well, I think you're nice,
and I like spending time with you.
You're really pretty,
and I hope I get to be with you for a long time.
Wow, um...
no guy's ever said anything that nice to me before.
Well, maybe you've been hanging around with jerks.
Yeah, maybe I have.
Hey, forget the pep rally.
You want to go see a movie?
Cool! Maybe we can go see that
Chazz Palminteri/Paul Sorvino movie, Distracting Trumpet.
I want to thank you all
for coming out here today.
We got a serious situation down in the Bronx.
Our friend needs to get
a message to the short man in the hat.
He needs to deliver this message
before the construction site contracts are handed down!
It's of vital importance that these matters be attended to!
So we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!
(shouting): I say,
we may have to bring in our friend from Yonkers!
Hey, what the hell?
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Is there a problem?! Huh?
You want to go? You want to go?
"Go"? What are you talking about?
I'm talking about "go."
That's what I'm talking about.
I got things to do.
Uh, where do you think you're going?
I'm going downstairs.
Oh, there's a toll in the hall now.
Look, can I..
I just...
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Uhp.
Ah, I'm just messing with you, man!
You can do whatever you want!
I was just kidding you!
Why you so serious?
All right, Chrissy, here we go.
Look!
Oh, my God!
Is that Chris Griffin with Connie D'Amico?
Wow, that makes him popular.
Hey, Griffin.
Griff-a-mano!
(unintelligible)
Wow, the jocks have never said hello to me before.
Hi, you guys!
Wow, you did it, Connie.
Chris Griffin is popular.
So, you going to dump him now?
No, Gina, I'm not.
No.
There's something about him.
He's not like the other guys.
You do?
Yeah, in fact, I'm going to his house
for dinner tonight, so I can meet his parents.
Wow, Connie D'Amico is coming to my house for dinner!
I just hope Dad doesn't embarrass us,
like he did when that one-legged guy came over.
All right, well, if you like movie trivia,
I got one that'll stump you-- uh...
Of course, you're probably not really into tibia-- trivia.
Uh... boy that global warming, huh?
They say we lost a foot of snow last winter-- uh...
Hey, how about another beer, huh?
I bet you like the taste of hops...
Uh...
You only have one leg, sir.
Oh, Connie, it's so nice to meet you.
We're so excited that Chris is finally
bringing a girl home for dinner.
It's really nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Griffin.
Um, do you mind if I ask what's up with your baby?
I'm going to go work out.
Again? That's like the eighth time today.
I'm not satisfied until every vein
is forced up against my skin.
Look how vascular I am, Brian.
If there's one thing women love, it's a vascular man.
♪ I've got veins ♪
♪ They carry blood all over my "bahdy." ♪
That's how John Mayer would say it.
"Bahdy."
I'm really into him now.
You better be okay with it!
Well, to answer your question, Connie,
apparently I'm married to a man who thinks
it's okay to inject an infant with steroids.
Wait, Lois, knock it off for a sec.
Connie, you are really pretty.
I mean, you have filled out something wacky.
Oh. Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
Dad!
So, Connie, now that you're dating my brother,
maybe we can hang out, you know?
Hey, after dinner, you want to come up to my room
and give each other makeovers?
I don't use makeup, Meg.
Of course you don't, you're all natural.
Man, your dad must be proud.
Actually, my dad passed away four years ago.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
He sure did.
You going to shower before dessert?
Greggy! Fitzy!
T-bone! Gabagoo!
Naziguy!
Griffa!
Hey, we're totally stoked
for your party this weekend!
(laughs): You know it, brother.
It's going to be awesome.
But keep it on the down-low so the spazoids don't catch wind.
(laughs)
(groans): Speaking of spazoids.
Wow, can you believe it, Connie?!
You and I are going to be at the same party this weekend!
Oh, this is so cool!
Hey, what are you wearing
so I make sure I don't wear the same thing?
What?
But... it's at my house.
Uh, Connie, let me handle this.
I'm sorry, Meg, you can't come.
There's an ***-to-*** ratio that you're way off of.
Hey, Chris, come on, let's corner the nerds
and call them gay and make them show us their penises.
Won't that be gay of them?
Yeah, that is bro-tacular.
Awesome, bro.
(music playing)
Man, our boy, Chris, partying with the cool kids.
I am a very proud dad right now.
And look at that Connie,
so young and lithe.
Look at the shape of that body.
Look at the shape of that body!
That's it, Brian!
That's where One-Eyed Willie buried his gold!
(crying)
Oh, Meg, sweetheart, why don't you just
go downstairs and join the party?
I wasn't invited!
I hate Chris!
He's such a jerk!
Oh, look, honey, he's just a little confused
about who he is right now.
I'm sure deep down, he still loves his big sister.
I hate my school!
I hate everyone!
I hate my life!
(sighs): Okay, look, Meg, I've been at this for 45 minutes.
I don't know what else I can say.
Here's a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien.
I'm going to look the other way,
and whatever happens, happens.
♪ Party music ♪
♪ Party song ♪
♪ Does not attract attention ♪
♪ Suggests a good time. ♪
Gina, have you seen Chris?
Yeah, he's over there.
Chris, what are you doing?!
Getting scraped to death by my zipper.
You ***!
How the hell can you be cheating on me?!
I'm the one who made you popular!
No, Connie, beating up that Jewish kid made me popular.
Come on, girls, let's go upstairs and make out.
Oh, no, Connie's been hurt!
I guess I should lie on top of her to keep her warm.
What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!
Chris, I can't believe you dissed Connie at your party.
Yeah, I heard about it
when I was making that gay nerd spoon with me.
Hey, guys. Room for one more?
I don't think so.
(coughs): Loser.
(coughs): Reject.
(coughs): Everyone's gay but me.
My God, he's practically ruined me.
I've created a monster.
Meg, we've got to do something.
"We"? Are you kidding?
Do you really think I would help you out
in any way after everything you've done to me?
What are you talking about?
You see this, Connie?
This is from when you called me
"sticky ***-cow" in sixth grade.
This one is from when you made a plaster cast
of my *** freshmen year.
You want my help?
You can go (bleep) yourself!
CHRIS: Hey, Meg, think fast!
Ha-ha! Loser!
All right, let's do it.
When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast
than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was ten.
(screeching laugh)
Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.
Will you shut up?
You shut up, man, it's a comedy!
When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny.
Ring, ring, ring!
(screeching laugh)
Ah, another day of being huge.
Good morning, guns of Navaro-- (sighs).
Oh, no!
What's happening?!
I'll tell you what's happening.
Your steroids have worn off.
You're weak like everyone else.
And guess what?
There's a toll in the hall now.
Stay away from me!
Stewie, no!
And now, here's something we hope you'll really like.
Settle down, everyone.
Okay, let's get this assembly started.
Is everything set, Meg?
Once Chris gets up there, my friend in the AV department
will take care of everything.
Okay, Meg, remember our deal.
I do this for you, and I have your permission
to think about you later tonight when I'm in the tub.
Fine, Neil.
Awesome! I might even go lefty tonight.
Stranger in the tub.
Before we begin, Chris Griffin
has an announcement for the cool kids.
Yeah, hey, guys.
The meeting of the cool kids club will be at 3:15,
leaning up against Tim Breckner's SUV
in the parking lot.
♪ ♪
Would you do me?
I'd do me.
I'd do me so hard.
♪ ♪
Hey, Chris. What's that?
Did you sit on something?
(gasping, grunting)
(laughter)
Chris Griffin's a freak!
I'm gay, all right!
Ah, come on, it's me. Griffa!
You don't get to talk like that anymore!
Connie, the person who humiliated you
has himself been humiliated.
By the rules of high school,
you are now popular again.
Well, we did it, Connie.
Thanks for your help, Meg.
There's no chance we're going to be friends now, is there?
Absolutely not.
Can I at least think about you in the tub later?
No.
I'm still gonna.
Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
I do, Dad.
And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a ***.
Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
Tell me what it was like,
being one of them.
It was like basking in the warm glow
of a higher intelligence as it envelops you
and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
I flew today.