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How to Balance Love and Money in Your Relationship
Transcription of interview with Laurie Puhn on March 19, 2012.
Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, Financial Planner & Investment Advisor
Laurie Puhn has a private practice in couples’ mediation. She is also the bestselling author
of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing
Up or Giving In and Instant Persuasion: How To Change Your Words To Change Your Life.
Douglas Goldstein, financial planner & investment advisor, interviewed Puhn on Arutz Sheva Radio.
Douglas Goldstein: Can you share with us a little insight on what’s the most important
thing couples can do to ensure a lifelong, happy relationship?
Laurie Puhn: The scary thing is that no matter how happy a couple is and no matter how wonderful
it was to be a newlywed or dating, even the best of us are going to walk down a slippery
slope towards neglect where we neglect each other and we come to ignore the things that
we expect our mate to do. This is normal human behavior. Let’s say that someone arrives
on time for his third date, and he’s there when he says he’s going to be, and he’s
made the reservation at a great place, you go there thinking, “Oh my gosh! Finally,
someone who follows through on his word.” But by the time you’re married, he still
shows up when he says he’s going to show up, and all you can tell him is what he forgot
to bring.
That’s normal, and my warning to all couples is that we really have to bring values into
our relationship everyday with the things that we say and don’t say, and the things
we do and don’t do. If we’re not conscious of giving that compliment each day of waking
up in the morning and saying good morning instead of just, “Can you take care of this?
Can you get the dry cleaning for me? Can you go to the supermarket?” If we can remember
the civilities, the niceties of life that brought us together and the way in which sometimes
we’re kinder to strangers than we are to our spouse, if we can remember to bring those
values of appreciation and compassion everyday and it’s not easy, it’s a decision, that’s
how we have that real foundation and connection so that when true obstacles come our way,
we’re actually still friends and we can still handle it together.
Douglas Goldstein: Are there other values that people should be bringing to their relationship?
Laurie Puhn: The high values that I would hope are true for all couples and are necessary
for a lasting relationship are appreciation, respect, compassion, intimacy, and cooperation.
You want to think you have these values, whatever it is that you think is what makes the person
worthy, and we need to turn these abstract values into concrete words and actions on
a daily basis. For instance, what does respect mean when we’re having a fight? This is
why my book is Fight Less, Love More, but it’s not don’t fight. We’re going to
have differences and we’re going to argue, but let’s do it respectfully and let’s
only do it about the topics that actually matter. That’s how to fight less. I have
a whole chapter on taking your battle and how to do that. If you’ve got to fight,
before jumping in, assuming and getting angry, ask a question. A good fighter and a loving
fighter is one who plays detective. “Why do you think that? What happened? What am
I missing?”
Douglas Goldstein: How would you suggest couples handle their money so that it doesn’t lead
to arguments?
Laurie Puhn: The first thing I have found as a couples mediator is that when it comes
to money, it tends to be that one person has the facts and the other person does not. Arguments
become absolutely absurd because one is basing it on some fantasy, whether it’s that they’re
poorer than they may think they are or they’re richer. The first thing I say is, “Let’s
get on the same page,” and this comes down to respect as well. If you want to have a
respectful disagreement, put your opinions to the side for a moment and be sure you’re
on the same factual page. It means that you may like that your spouse takes care of the
finances, but if he or she is the one doing everything and has all the information then
you don’t get a say. If you’re not going to argue, but not know anything then it’s
really not going to be a valuable opinion. Instead you say, “I would like to have a
valuable opinion. Therefore, can we sit down for an hour and we will discuss and figure
out exactly what money is coming into the house and what’s coming out and let’s
figure it out? From there then we can have a reasonable discussion about budget and luxuries
and travel and cost and rent and what not.” But that’s where a fight should leave off
if you’re out in the clouds. It should be “Let’s pull back for a moment and get
the facts.”
What this might mean is that she does have the courage to take a step forward and say,
“I’m going to take a look at the numbers and ask a lot of questions and you just have
to answer them, and I’m going to figure out in my head how I associate income and
spending.” It might not look like a spreadsheet, it may be understanding which percentage goes
to which parts of life, thinking about coming up with a common goal, or saving money for
something, and how much does it cost, or having a plan in that way. But, really if somebody
is saying something and the other one says, “I don’t understand,” that’s your
red flag. That’s the problem.
Douglas Goldstein: Is it better for people to divide the money responsibilities or to
try and do it all together?
Laurie Puhn: It’s different for each couple. It comes down to doing whatever is going to
lead to respectful communication. If one person can divide it and the other person trusts
the divider, then it is okay. This is our budget, or this is what I can spend freely
without having it pre-approved or have a discussion, and if you don’t to fight about it then
you’re fine. If there isn’t that level of trust or perhaps it really comes down to
a situation where you can’t spend more than $50 on a night out without both of you agreeing
to it, when you’re under a tight budget like that, you tend to both need to know all
the facts because it’s hard to be given a yes or no from your mate. You need to figure
out the yes or no on your own.
How much flexibility there is means you can deviate a little more without fighting. There’s
no doubt that people who are less well-off are going to face the tougher battle because
they have to make really difficult choices that a lot of middle class and wealthier people
and families don’t have to make. Now that’s not to say that upper income people don’t
face other tremendous obstacles, and even with a lot of money they can still lose their
jobs. A lot of hardship comes in that way too, but it is definitely another pile of
stuff that needs to be worked on as a couple when you’re dealing with financial issues.
Douglas Goldstein: Do you think in terms of your practice that perhaps men these days
feel worse about themselves when they’re not the main breadwinner in the family?
Laurie Puhn: Only if it’s already a bad relationship, and what I mean is I tend to
look through the prism of communication and how well we’re showing the values every
day of, “I respect and I appreciate you and care about you and I put you first on
my list.” If you feel and express that every day, then the fact that the woman is a breadwinner
will not make a difference. That’s because the man feels, “She might say he is my perfect
match when I’m freaking out and all stressed. He knows exactly how to calm me down. He keeps
me centered. He keeps me focused.” Such woman is praising her mate, and he might earn
less than her but he knows that he matters to her. He’s valuable to the family, and
he’s an amazing father. He’s getting what he needs to feel important, and we all need
to feel important. Men like praise too. Men want to be valued and they want to know it.
On the other hand, if all those things are not said, and we don’t give substance to
these values, then the man is much more likely to become part of the cultural norm where
he values himself based on how much money you bring home. And when he doesn’t bring
home seemingly enough or less than his wife, he can feel insecure about it.
Douglas Goldstein: How people could follow you and learn more about what you’re doing?
Laurie Puhn: You can visit my website at www.fightlesslovemore.com, where we have plenty of free articles and
quizzes, more information, the top five dumb arguments smart couples have, and lots of
great links, as well to things that can help you with whatever marital problems you’re
facing. My book is also linked there, which is Fight Less, Love More and you can reach
that, and find your way to Amazon, Barnes & Noble and purchase the book.
Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, is the director of Profile Investment Services and the host
of the Goldstein on Gelt radio show (Monday nights at 7:00 PM on www.israelnationalradio.com.
He is a licensed financial professional both in the U.S. and Israel. Securities offered
through Portfolio Resources Group, Inc., Member FINRA, SIPC, MSRB, NFA, SIFMA. Accounts carried
by National Financial Services LLC. Member NYSE/SIPC, a Fidelity Investments company.
His book Building Wealth in Israel is available in bookstores, on the web, or can be ordered
at: www.profile-financial.com (02) 624-2788 or (03) 524-0942.
Disclaimer: This document is a transcription and/or an educational article. While it is
believed to be current and accurate, divergence from the original is to be expected. The original
podcast can be heard at https://sites.google.com/site/goldsteinradioshows/. All information on this website is purely
information and should not be used as the sole basis for making financial decisions.
The opinions rendered herein are those of the guests, and not necessarily those of Douglas
Goldstein, Profile Investment Services, Ltd., or Israel National News. Readers should consult
with a professional financial advisor before making any financial decisions. Please see
the complete disclaimer at https://sites.google.com/site/goldsteinradioshows/.