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BuzzyMag.com - A Chat With Sir Terry Pratchett, Part Two
Terry Pratchett: We thought that probably we follow them right up to the point where
Peter and [probably], his wife, went into the room, with a very nice little
lady and would give him what she would call the [medicament].
Questioner: Yes.
Terry Pratchett: It was all done very properly. There was a camera
overhead. About three times, the people called three times. He was asked
whether or not he understands what he's doing. Whether he understands if he
drinks this it will kill him. He answered, "Yes," to all of them.
Because, what we shared during the documentary was that shortly after the
police had come.
Questioner: Yes.
Terry Pratchett: Because it could always be possible that, in some way,
this process could be used in committing an actual ***.
The police turned up shortly, and they were [like] police. They weren't
particularly good. They certainly weren't bad. It was bit all job in a
days' work. They spoke to the nice lady, they looked at the files, came up
to us and said, "BBC?" We said, "Yes." okay. And they left!
Because the BBC wouldn't get involved in anything wrong.
He was a very rich man. Extremely rich: Houses all over the place . . .
Questioner: The finest hotels and . . .
Terry Pratchett: . . . and a very rich family behind him. He just did not
wish to be a prisoner of a disease until he died. So he decided to leave
before the end. [inaudible 02:04] This was all new stuff for
the crew and everybody and I thought, "Well, I am a Knight," that's got
to mean something. So I said to his wife, "Would you like me to come in with
you?"
And she said, "Oh, God yes."
Then the day came, and because we'd seen them quite a few times, because
he'd been [inaudible 02:41] for about three days. And [inaudible 02:50],
and they said, "Yes, all of you. Come in." The cameraman, everybody. The
sound man, we all went in. He was saying, "Come in. Come in."
Then Peter, God bless him, after he'd [inaudible 03:08] two potions: one is
to stop him from throwing up the first. Because the body would actually
throw up had he not been given the first potion.
Questioner: It's vitally important to keep it down.
Terry Pratchett: Yeah, you have to keep it down. We were still sort of
chatting to him and then the lady came up and [inaudible 03:34] he said,
"Thank you very much for this." He said, "You've been very kind. I've been
treated very kindly by all of you."
And with everybody involved, he held out his hand and he shook my hand and
he said, "Have a good life, I know I have." And he said the same thing to
[Law] and he was going around thanking everybody by name.
This is a man that's already drunk the hemlock, as it were. That's how he
referred to it, but he hasn't [inaudible 04:01] and then he got embarrassed
because he couldn't remember the name of the sound guy. He said, "I'm
really sorry." Because his name was Mike. All sound men have the name Mike.
Then he went and sat down next to his wife, in between his wife and the
nurse who was just, as it were, keeping a watchful eye, and died. Making a
rather guttural noise as he did so and I can tell you that very few deaths
are silent. The body goes on making noises even if the brain is no longer
engaged. It takes quite a long time for the whole of a body to die, as any
[mate] will tell you.
Questioner: And the snow was falling outside . . .
Terry Pratchett: And the snow was falling. Oh yes, and the snow was
falling. Outside, a man called Hooks, who was the husband of the nurse, he
had a bottle [inaudible 05:17] pipe. The real old, curly pipe. It was a
fairy tale pipe and he was walking backwards and forwards on the veranda,
in the snow, smoking his pipe. The smoke was coming up through the snow and
it was like some Bergman film and I realized why he wasn't inside. Because
to have a man smoking his pipe in a place where a man was dying was against
health and safety.
And the laughing and crying killed everybody.
Questioner: Would you like me to read the Jane Austen [inaudible 06:00]
Terry Pratchett: Jane Austen [inaudible 06:02]
Questioner: . . . Vines is at [London] Hall, [inaudible 06:10] and the
young mother tea party that Sybil has organized and Vines is there and he's
been told to be his best on his best behavior.
Terry Pratchett: Oh, no, no, no. She's gone on business, this is at the
home of the . . .
Questioner: Oh, [inaudible 06:21]
Terry Pratchett Yes, a lot of girls, and the mother who wants to get rid of
them all.
Questioner: Yes. Okay. Here we go.
"The rest of the day did not work out well. Vines, suspicions filling his
mind, he was metaphorically and only just short of literally, dragged by
Sybil to see her friend, [Ariadne], the lady [inaudible 06:39]. . ." Oh,
but the sixth daughter was there, right?
Terry Pratchett: Yes, she was.
Questioner: Oh. What do we know anyways?
Terry Pratchett: [inaudible 06:46]
Questioner: [inaudible 06:47] . . . "there were only five visible in this
[inaudible 06:49] drawing room when Sybil and he were ushered in. He was
painted as the dear brave Commander Vines. He hated that ***. Under
Sybil's benign but careful gaze, he was wise enough not to say so, at
least, not in those precise words. And so he grinned and bore it while they
fluttered around him like large moths.
And he waved away more yet teacakes and cups of tea that would have
overwhelmed him were it not that they looked and tasted like what proper
tea turned into shortly after you drink it."
"As far as Sam Vines was concerned, he liked tea, but tea was not tea if,
even before drinking it, you could see the bottom of the cup."
"Still little worse than the stuff that was being offered, was the
conversation, which inclined toward bonnets. A subject on which his
ignorance was not just treasured, but venerated.
"Excuse me, Commander. It took Vines some time to see where the voice had
come from. This daughter hadn't spoken a word all afternoon, but had
occasionally scribbled in a notebook. But now, she gazed at him with what
looked like a somewhat brighter smile than the rest of her sisters.
Can I help you, miss, and perhaps you'll tell me your name.
Jane, Commander. I am endeavoring to be a writer. May I ask if you have any
views on whether that should be an acceptable career for a young lady?
Jane, thought Vines, the strange one."
"And she was. She was just as demure as the other sisters, but somehow, as
he looked at her, he got the impression that she was watching right through
him, thoughts and all.
Vines leaned back in his chair. A little defensively and said, Well, it
can't be a difficult job given all the words that have probably been
invented already."
That's saving you time right there considering that you should be able to
put them together in a different order.
That was about the limit of his own expertise in the literary arts, but he
added, "What sort of thing were you thinking of writing, Jane?"
The girl looked embarrassed. "Well, Commander, at the moment I'm working on
what might be considered a novel about the complexities of personal
relationships with all their hopes and dreams and misunderstandings."
She coughed nervously as if apologizing.
Vines pursed his lips, "Yes, sounds basically like a good idea, miss, but I
can't really help you on that. Though if I was you, and this is me talking
of the top of my head, I'd be putting in a lot of fighting and body
[inaudible 09:19]. . . and maybe a warpath as a bit of a background."
Jane nodded uneasily. "A remarkable suggestion, Commander, with much to
recommend it, but possibly the relationships would be somewhat neglected?"
Vines considered this input and said, "Well, you might be right."
Then, out of nowhere, possibly some deep hole, a thought struck him just as
it had many times before. Sometimes in nightmares, "I wonder if any author
has thought about the relationship between the hunter and the hunted, the
policeman and the mysterious killer? The lawman must think like a criminal
sometimes in order to do his job and maybe, unpleasantly surprised at how
good he is at such thinking. You know . . . perhaps, just might . . . do
you understand?" He said lamely. And wondered where the hell that had come
from.
Maybe this strange Jane had pulled it out of him and even, perhaps, could
resolve it.
"Would anybody like some more tea?" Said Arieadne brightly.
Lady Sybil was very quiet as their coach drove away and so Vines decided to
bite the bullet now and get it over with. She was looking thoughtful, which
was always worrying.
"Am I in trouble, Sybil?"
"His wife looked at him blankly for a moment then said, 'You mean for
telling that bunch of precious blooms to stop yearning for a life and to
get out there and make one?
Good heavens no! You did everything I would have expected of you, Sam. You
always do. I told Ariadne you wouldn't let her down. She doesn't have much
of an income and if you hadn't given them the righteous word, I think she
Terry Pratchett: Because the book is now out so some of you already know,
that is why, about one year later, there is a book that is, in fact,
dedicated to commander [inaudible 11:13] and Samuel Vines and it is called
"Pride and Extreme Prejudice."
I really am pleased with that one.
Questioner: I can't help laughing out loud an awful lot, okay. But Terry
always surprises me because as things are going along really well, and I'm
laughing along with one bit and then Terry drops the line in that actually
means that I actually have to go outside the office because I'm actually
going to die [inaudible 11:46]
Terry Pratchett: [inaudible 11:50]
Questioner: My favorite one is that Sam Vines [inaudible 11:55] and he's
under the bubbles and he's conversing with Sybil and they're having a nice
chat and Sybil takes off her bathrobe and slips into the water and Terry
said, "And the bubbles rose."
Questioner: "As did Sam Vines' spirit." And I have to go away for a bit on
that one.
Terry Pratchett: [inaudible 12:23]
Questioner: Yes, absolutely. One of our favorite pieces of grammar is the
ellipsis and we [inaudible 12:33]
Terry Pratchett: Sometimes we make our own because the ones we make at home
are a lot better than the ones we shop for.
Questioner Terry [inaudible 12:42] if I mess them up,
then I use one of the dots as a semi-colon. The recyclable school of literature,
Terry calls it. We've got to head off in a minute, unfortunately, because
[inaudible 12:57]
Terry Pratchett: The reason for us being so [inaudible 12:59] about going
is we've got about a day and half's time to get over the jet lag before we
do this whole circus again in England, only even heavier.
Questioner: Yes, the Theatre Royale Drury Lane where I last watched two
river dancers doing their stuff. When the publishers told us we would be
there. Okay. Well, Terry filled the [Seton] Opera House, it was just . . .
and I'm okay. Well, I'm not allowed to use the word awesome as Terry will
tell you . . .
Terry Pratchett: No!
Questioner: Why?
Terry Pratchett: Stop using the word awesome. Unless God and Satan actually
go into battle in front of your eyes a really good cup of coffee is a
really good cup of coffee. It is not awesome! [inaudible 13:52]
Terry Pratchett: I'm sorry? What is awesome?
Questioner: ["Good Omens."]
Terry Pratchett: There has to be some kind of a scale. If a cup of coffee
can be awesome, what is the universe?
Questioner: Wicked awesome!