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(Panting)
- (Jeff): Freeze! Bounty hunter!
Come on, Brody!
Just surrender!
Larry, wait.
That's a dead-end alley. He's not going anywhere.
You know, the safest thing to do
is just wait for him to come out
with his tail between his legs.
- Man, I hate sitting around waiting
even more than I hate Bill talking about how smart he is.
- Ooh, lord it's hot out!
Luckily, some of us planned ahead
and wore our ventilated underpants.
- I'm gonna go grab Brody by the head.
- (Laughing): No, Larry!
See, a big part of our job is solving problems
in a way that keeps everbody safe.
Not just us, not just the bounties,
but all the people in our community.
(Brody screaming)
- So, if a little waiting helps us do our job
without putting anybody in danger,
then screw it, we can wait.
- While you two was bounty yapping,
I was bounty hunting.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go sit in the truck
while I fill it up with awesome.
- I'm guessing that means farts?
- Hell yeah, it does!
He did the crime, it's time for the punishment!
- HELP!
(Grunts)
- (Bill): Lisa better be dressed.
- Take five, Inga.
- Yes, Miss Lady.
- Thanks for coming over, rejects.
I gotta stay put when I'm getting my corns sanded.
(Groaning)
I got a bounty for you,
and he's a real steaming pile of wolf-bait.
Max Bowser the Third.
He just jumped bail on an assault charge.
This ugly-*** sasquatch
is from a family of bouncers.
On paper, he was fired from his gig over at the roadhouse,
but word is,
he still shows up for shifts a few times a week.
- Let's check it out tonight.
- Man, I'm sorry.
Amber's folks is having us over for dinner.
I can't cancel.
The Chinese people have suffered enough already.
- But her parents hate you for eloping with her,
and for just being you.
- Amber says I'm gonna win them over with my charm
and something she calls "cultural sensitivity."
- They making Chinese food?
- Man, I hope not.
Last time we had Chinese food, I said:
"What's this called? Some young dog?"
(Laughs)
Then her mom throwed hot tea in my face.
- Hey, big guy.
(♪ Country ♪)
All right, you scope the bar area.
I'm gonna sneak around and see what I can find out.
Uh, OK.
- Toilet's clogged again.
- Hey, that's not my job.
- Oh yeah?
(Sighs)
- You know,
that big bouncer Max probably clogged it.
Is he around?
- Nah, he don't come in till 10:00.
- Yes! Ugh!
I found out Max should be here in an hour,
and someone either ate a lot of beets
or has a serious medical problem.
- I ordered us a couple of drinks, you know, to blend in.
- Now, you know I don't believe in drinking on the job.
- Come on, it's just one beer...
with a shot glass of whiskey dropped in it.
And a little 100-proof *** on top.
They call it the Merle Haggard!
- Well, OK.
I don't see how it could hurt.
(Doorbell rings)
- Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
- Good evening, Amber's parents!
- Please, call us Mr. Robert Xie Li
and Mrs. Sara Li.
- That's kind of long, Dad.
- You know what else is long?
Tradition of having a real wedding!
- Also long: the Great Wall of China.
Seriously, nice job on that deal!
(Sara gasps)
- Yeah, I don't wear no sock on that one there.
It's got a fungus.
- His feet may not be perfect,
but the rest of him is easy to love.
- Yes, love.
You know, I wished to say this at your wedding,
which did not happen.
Larry, when it comes to love,
remember: one and one do not make two.
One and one make one.
- I thought Asians was good at math.
- Larry!
- Why don't we all sit down for dinner?
- Yes. I no have to see ugly toe.
- Boy, I tell you what,
ain't nothing nicer after a long day at my job
-- which I still haven't been fired from, by the way --
than a home-cooked meal!
Oh, dadgum! Chinese food!
I mean, mmm! Chinese food!
Boy, I'm happy about eating it too.
Just look how relaxed I am right now. Whoa!
(Amber gasps, Robert sighs)
Hey, is this a new rug?
- (Bill): All right, shush! Shhh!
I got a lot of stuff on my chest
I wanna get off my chest.
- Not now, Bill.
That sweet thing over there is checking me out.
When I am done with this pretzel,
I'm gonna make my move!
Bartender! More "pretzkels"!
- She ain't looking at you!
She's checking out the big guy from the picture.
(Gasps)
It's the big guy from the picture!
(Man grunts)
I can't take him down alone,
and you're too drunk and useless to help.
- Me?
You're the one that's so drunk,
and you're not even helping even!
- Dumb drunk!
- Well, thank you, Larry,
for the story about your bowels on that plane ride.
- Well, I also find other things interesting.
Let's talk about what you're into.
Like rice, Ping-Pong?
- Hmm...
- Oh man! I'm blowing it!
Time is running out! I gotta do something big.
Look, Amber's dad, I know I ain't perfect, all right?
But at least I got me some super strength!
I mean, you's from one of them karate places, right?
Well, watch me bust up this old brick!
(Sara gasps)
Oh!
(Moaning)
- You idiot!
That was made from the ashes of my ancestors!
- Oh, man. Them guys was tough!
- Oh, sweetie!
- Oh, darling, I screwed everything up.
I'm sorry.
If my hands wasn't all mashed,
I'd grab that thing and commit Larry-Kari.
(Cell rings)
Hello?
- Larry? We need help!
- I'm on my way!
Man, I'm really sorry, Amber's folks, but duty calls.
And this time, I ain't talking about my bowels.
(Groans)
I tried, but your folks
still think I'm a huge mistake.
- You're the best mistake that ever happened to me.
- (Slurred): Thank you for coming.
That Max guy's nuts!
- He just heard us talking about him
so he hit me in the face... with Bill.
- (Bill): Aaah! There he is!
- Max Bowser,
I'm a bounty hunter and you is under arrest.
(Laughing)
You think that's funny, do you?
Then these hands ain't the only thing
that's about to get busted!
(Groans)
- Get out of here, ugly.
Don't block that entrance, ugly.
- Ah, that hurts!
- He's feeling humiliated. We gotta be sensitive.
- I'll try not to mention how ugly he is.
- He's so lucky we care about him.
- So true!
- Thanks, but what's the use, boys?
Without my hands, I'm nothing.
- Aw, come on, Larry.
You're something!
Bill, t-tell him what he is.
- No, that'd be mean.
- I just wish I couldn't remember how great I used to be!
Boy, I gotta be alone.
Please do not follow me in my--my moment of grief.
- OK!
(Grunts)
- Amber's dad?
- Hello, Larry.
- What are you doing at the roadhouse?
Drinking away your sorrows
'cause your daughter's married to a big old idiot?
- You may be a big idiot who destroyed my house
and offended my culture,
but you are also the man my daughter loves,
for some unknown reason.
- Thanks.
You see the guy who tripped me?
- I feared you might need my help
because your hands are of no use.
I can help you
by training you in the martial art of Tai Chi.
- Cool!
- Come to my house tomorrow morning.
Training starts at sunrise.
- Let's say sunrise now,
and in the morning, we'll see how we feel about it.
- No! Sunrise!
Larry.
How are your hands?
- Well, I can't use my beanbag gun.
I can't fight good.
Shoot, I can't even mastur--
Uh, master the barbecue grill, uh, sir.
- Luckily, hands are not essential for Tai Chi!
- That's what I thought about mastering the barbecue,
but after an hour of trying, I finally just went to sleep.
- Consider the bed sheet hanging on the line.
If you strike it, does it yield? - What you asking me for?
It's your people invented laundry.
- Whatever.
Now, before beginning the meditation,
you must try to clear your mind of all knowledge.
- Done. - OK.
Next lesson.
Larry, a good warrior must learn to tolerate pain
without reacting.
Are you ready to be tested, warrior?
- Hell yeah! I--
- And now begins the testing.
- Hey, don't forget my lower back.
(Sighs)
- Ah!
Ooh! Ha!
Oh! Ho ho!
(Clears throat)
More please!
(Laughing)
- Larry, you have impressed me
with your ability to withstand pain.
You are now ready to study the movement of Tai Chi.
Remember, when you feel you cannot slow your pace,
consider the butterfly.
- Sounds boring, but OK.
(Yawns)
Yep, that's great. Arms up, arms down.
Got it.
Good to go.
- Larry, you have barely begun!
To be truly proficient, one must--
- Nah, I'm a fast learner.
And I'm dying to get out there and try it on the job!
- But you are not ready! It is too early!
- Ha ha! Don't you complain about early.
Sunrise was your idea there, Sensei!
(Chuckles)
(Sighs)
- Hey, yokels.
I heard you found Max but didn't nab him.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Yeah, he's a tough one.
- Real slippery.
- So am I, sometimes.
Treat me right, and I'm like a Slip 'n Slide with tatas.
- Come on, Bill. Don't vomit.
That was a $4 sandwich.
- You pansies are in luck.
I did some digging and found out Max's grandma's a greeter
over at Bulk Mart.
So go lean on her for some help.
- We're on it. You up for this, Confucious?
- Damn right! I'll consider the butterfly on the way!
- Hi!
It's a beautiful day at Bulk Mart.
- "Jan Bowser."
It's her! Let's do this!
- Bill, how about we don't assault Grandma.
Excuse me, ma'am, um,
we're bounty hunters and your grandson Max,
I'm afraid, has skipped bail.
- He's a good boy,
but he just can't stay out of trouble.
Is there anything I can do?
- As a wise man once said:
"Get 'er done."
- Define "wise man."
- Come to my house tomorrow around noon.
1411 West Maple.
I'll have Max turn himself over to you.
- Thank you so much, ma'am.
- (Bill): See what a little intimidation can do?
- Them bounty hunters is coming by tomorrow,
so get ready to bust some heads.
It's a beautiful day at Bulk Mart!
Bring your brothers, load the nail gun
and grab the blood mop out of the shed.
Oh, and bring whipped cream.
I made a pie.
- Ha ha! Hey, Larry, son!
Your ying and yang is showing!
(Girls snickering)
- Oh please! I've had stuff burned off bigger than that.
- Dang!
I can't operate this belt.
- I got this.
And you're welcome.
- You sure you're OK to work?
I'm telling you, those hands need to heal, buddy.
- I don't need hands. I'm a Tai Chi master!
- Uh-oh! Isn't that Brody breaking into your truck?
- Perfect.
So, we meet again, Brody.
- Oh! I give up! Don't hit me!
- I no longer hit,
for I have learned from nature.
- I haven't! Ha ha! - Ah!
- Thanks for the stereo, butt-face!
- This ain't working, Larry.
Go home and let your hands and your danglers heal.
Seriously, take a few weeks off.
- Oh, my whole world's caving in.
Dadgum, I'm so tense!
I gotta go home and master--
uh, the barbecue.
- What kind you making? - Dry rub.
(Birds chirping)
(Doorbell rings)
- Must you disturb me, Larry?
I am trying to watch Redneck Island.
- Well, you was right. I still can't work.
Except maybe as a Q-tip for the Jolly Green Giant.
- Your hands may be useless,
but you won't need them
if you commit to harnessing the power of your mind.
- Oh, why so sad?
- 'Cause I screwed up before.
But this time, I'm really gonna learn Tai Chi.
- But to do that, you must truly focus.
You must truly slow down.
- I tell him that a lot.
"Larry, take your time.
"You don't always have to finish everything in 2 minutes!"
- I am uncomfortable with the direction this is going.
(Steam hissing)
- If you wanna torture me,
just make me watch women's basketball.
- No, Larry, this is the final part of your training.
Tap into your mind.
Reach back,
way back.
And journey out of reality
to the place of enlightenment.
- Okie-doke!
(Gasps)
Hey! - Hello, Larry.
- Dadgum! Your lips didn't even move!
- You are doing it too.
There is no challenge too great when you use your mind.
- Look at me! I'm talking while eating fried chicken.
My mind is awesome!
- I will say this with echoey words
so it stays with you.
My son, before you act, use your head.
(Echoing)
(Gasps)
- Did you just call me "son"?
- No! I said "my shlun."
That is Chinese for "my idiot."
- Oh. Hey, did you just call me "your" idiot?
- Now is the time for shutting up!
- (Jeff): Hello?
- Welcome to Bulk Mart!
Sorry! Just got off a 12-hour shift.
Come in. Come on in. - Thank you, ma'am.
- Max is around here somewhere.
Oh, Max!
The bounty hunters are here.
They're about to get their heads bashed in.
(Both gasp, scream)
- Ah!
(Jeff and Bill screaming)
- It's a beautiful day at Bulk Mart.
- Hey, I need a gift for a cool little Chinese guy.
Y'all sell anything made in China?
- Aisles one through 600. - Thanks!
Say, where's Jan, that nice old lady?
- Nice?
She told me to cover her shift or she'd slash my tires.
Then she slashed them anyway.
Don't trust anything that *** says.
(Gasps)
(Man screaming, punch landing)
(Grunting)
- Dammit!
I'm gonna beat the stuffing out of-- Wait a minute!
What am I saying? I'm a Tai Chi master.
- Yes, Larry. Use your head.
- Thanks, buddy.
Max Bowser, you are a fugitive,
and it is my duty to apprehend you.
- I think I'd rather just beat the snot out of you.
- I, my brother, was once like you,
but Master has taught me
that I must be more like a butterfly.
- Shut up, hippie!
- (Robert): Use your head!
(Grunts)
- He was right! I don't need my hands!
Whoo-hoo!
You're next, old lady! - No!
- I got me some wisdom
to impart on your skull.
- (Bill): Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Sorry, I just went
all Jackie Chan there for a second.
- Larry, that head-butting was amazing!
Maybe you are a Tai Chi master.
(Robert clears throat)
- That was not Tai Chi!
- Hey! What are you doing here?
- Tai Chi does not mean head-butting everyone.
I mean, it worked, but that was Larry, not Tai Chi.
- Now, you lookie here, Robert.
I done appreciate everything,
but maybe I ain't cut out for this Tai Chi stuff.
I'm more of a country boy who's gotta do things my own way,
and if that means I've gotta head-butt
some fat son of a *** every now and then,
then, well, I guess that's my destiny.
- You are true to yourself, Larry,
and if you continue to love and protect Amber,
then she has chosen well.
(Max grunting, Jeff gasping)
(Grunts, coughs)
- Hot diggety dog!
Boy, that was some bad-*** Tai Chi.
- That was karate.
- You know karate?
When you gonna teach me that?
- When you give me grandchild who goes to law school.
- (Larry): Don't hold your breath!
- That is not the kind of gene pool Larry's bringing!
- (Robert): That's it?
That is the game? - Pretty great, huh?
- You actually want to play this?
- Like a fat kid wants a biscuit.
- Well, let me explain something to you there, Bruce Lee.
You know how you told me to use my mind?
- Yes! Very important.
- Well, in horseshoes, you try not to use your mind.
You're just getting drunk and throwing them deals.
- Oh. I love drunk!
And throwing things when drunk?
That's my favourite!
You are good teacher, Son.
- He called me "Son"!
Right on my head! - Ha! You no use it anyway.
- (Amber): Oh, sweetie!
- Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be bewildered.
For my first trick,
I'm fittin' to saw my beautiful wife, Amber, in half.
But don't worry, I would never hurt Amber.
She does all my laundry and is the love of my life.
- When we get back to your place,
I'm gonna make you beg for your life.
- Daisy, you're amazing.
You've done stuff to me,
it would've taken an entire lifetime to look up online.
(Muttering)
- Aw, Jeff's so lonely.
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