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I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I can change, I swear. Please take me back. I love you. Look, I read the media reports, but I want to hear it from you. What happened? And start with the bowl game. And I want the truth. Okay. I thought we had the title on lock, coach. And when we lost I was so sad I couldn't even talk to the reporters at my locker. I want to talk to every reporter in this locker room. I have a lot to say. That game was ***. Those refs had it out for us from the start. Is Radon going to be okay? Radon messed up his shoulder again. That's all I know. Thad, one more question. Do you think he'll be back? Is he coming back? What do I look like, a future teller? After the game I went straight back to the hotel to go to bed. Drugs? Drugs? Drugs? Drugs? Hey, I'm looking to buy drugs. You got any drugs? I just want to buy some drugs. But then I got sidetracked by these girls that wanted to invite me to their room for a pizza party. ***! Yeah, baby! Thad Castle is the king of football mountain. Marty Daniels can suck my balls. He's the reason we lost today. He shouldn't have let Harmon try that 56 yarder. I'm gonna go pro. I'm gonna be a billionaire. The last thing I remember, one of the girls asked me if I wanted to see their dad's boat. I don't know how they convinced me. I hate boats. I love boats! The next morning I woke up and the sweet girls were gone. Are there any drugs on this boat? No. Once the media started spreading their lies I knew no NFL team was gonna touch me. I never declared myself for the draft. I'm still eligible. Please. I'll work so hard for you, coach, I swear. Football's all I have. You know, it looks like you were the real victim here, Thad. - I was. - And I'm gonna talk to the athletic board and see what I can do. Oh, thank you so much, coach! I love you. Looks like we've got our defense back. Thank God for that boy's love of ***. Can you feel that? You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy. Give me a hell, give me a yeah hell yeah stand up right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now, right now give me a hell, give me a yeah stand up right now. I'm gonna have fun with you. Okay, Mary Jo. I'm ready to jump in. Come on, it's been over an hour. Oh my God. Oh man, this door is squeaky. Well, it happened. Your sister's a lesbian. Oh, that is awesome. For her. But what about you guys? She's a sophomore at a state school. It's what they do. Right. It kind of sucks though. - I was hoping we'd be related someday. - Your sister's great, - but I'm a junior now, you know? - Right. Time to make some real bad decisions. I'm thinking about red-shirting this season so I have more time for partying. - Priorities, man. - Yeah. Call me. Just kidding. And you are gonna want to change those sheets. That is hot. God, Marty. Without Thad in there you have no defense. Stop talking, sweetheart. Well, I am just trying to make myself useful. Can you think of any way I can be of use to you, coach? Get away from the window! Oh. Hey, is coach Daniels in there? Are you from the athletic board? No, I am the new offensive coordinator. - Oh, I'm Thad. - I know who you are. Hey, will you ask coach if I can be back on the team? No. - Hey, coach. Whoa. - Jesus Christ. Did I come at a bad time? No no, we were just going over some-- Hey, honey, this is Marcus Gilday, our new coach in waiting. I hate that term. It makes it sound like I'm gunning for his job. I'm sure it couldn't be further from the truth. I've heard so many great things about you. Marty tells me you're quite a find. Well, my wife thinks so. Hey, is that the roster? I'd love to take a little look. - Can I? - Sure. We're pretty set offensively. - I think it's - Great. Oh, I see you got Alex Moran here as the starting quarterback. That's a typo right? No, I just got word today about Radon. His shoulder is gone. He's not gonna be back. Moran's played like what, five decent quarters of football in the past two years? He's our best option right now. I don't mean to step on anyone's toes. I would love it if you took a look at the offense that I ran at Stanford. It might be a little more complex than what you guys are used to here, but-- you're gonna love Moran. Let me introduce you to him. Hey, coach. - Hey, I know you're really busy-- - Shut up. - Rap it up! - Moran. I want you to meet our new offensive coordinator coach Gilday. You guys should spend some time together, - get to know each other. - Why? Because you're our starting quarterback. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about red-shirting this season. Only freshman red-shirt. - I'm a trailblazer. - You're not red-shirting! You're our starting quarterback and a leader on this team. The kid wants to take a year off, coach. I hardly think that makes him a leader. Really? Then we're in real trouble because I'm naming him acting captain until Thad's situation gets worked out. No-ooo! Thad's got an excellent point. - Any other questions? - Oh no, you're the boss. - You're the boss. - Welcome aboard. Thank you. Alex, it is a real pleasure to meet you. Ow. Captain? That's amazing. Hey, I have a feeling we're gonna be competing for a lot of the same leftovers. I mean, I spent two years trying to avoid responsibility. This sucks. - Moran. - Yeah? I knew the day would come when I'd have to pass the torch. - But to you? - This kid led a fourth-quarter comeback in the title game last year, bro. Yeah, a title game that we lost, bro. I know why coach is doing this. He's punishing me for trying to leave early. What do you say we all just get drunk and forget this all ever happened? - Right? - I wish I could. But short term or not, you are now the acting ca-- ahem. The acting ca-aa-- you-- you are now the acting-- captain of this team. It's tradition to inform you that your induction ceremony is Friday night. Oh, come on. I've already alerted the council of captains. But first there's something I have to show you. You'll never know how much this kills me, Moran. Look, if you're gonna shave my *** or something, could we just get it over with? Oh! What is this place? It belongs to the starting QB. Radon didn't want it last year because the bed doesn't vibrate. It's a little gaudy if you ask me. Hey, are you the new starting quarterback? - Dibs. - Dibs. Yes I am. Hi. Hi. OK, coatch wants me to start, I can live with that. But if he wants me to be captain, there's gonna be some changes. From now on all team meetings are gonna take place at the strip club. - Yeah. - Right? Huh? - Hey, coach? - Bedrosian and Wesley-- - I don't know, what do you think? - Coach. - Cut 'em both. - Coach! Thad, nothing has changed in the last five minutes. When I hear from the athletic board I'll let you know. When are they gonna-- Hey hey hey, you want to make yourself useful? Go pick up those empty cups on the sideline. Who else? Whoa whoa whoa. Hey! Relax, I got this. Question: Do you know who I am? Mascot. Foot in the door much? I've got a proposition for you. I saw the way you set up Alex. I'd like a room at the goat house too. In exchange, I'll be your houseboy. I'll cook, change the kegs, scrub the toilets. And finally, female reporters are no longer banned in the locker room. No, they're encouraged to participate in the post-game showers. Right? - First team. - Okay, guys, go have fun. Hey, Moran. That's you. Oh ***. That's gonna take some getting used to. Fine, houseboy. You can be of use to me. Meet me at the goat house after practice. Oh yes! Look, I hate to say it, but the changes Gilday is proposing for the playbook could work. I just don't trust that guy, Jon Jon. I've never had a coach forced on me like this. Am I making a mistake, you know, with Moran? Putting all my eggs in one basket? One unproven, irresponsible basket. If you pull out now, it shows weakness. Moran has surprised us before. I'm sure he's gonna surprise us again. Sammy, what are you doing? I'm building you a boat for your induction ceremony. Thad told me if I do *** for him at the goat house, he'll give me a room. We're gonna be roommates again. That looks really dangerous. That's why I bought these goggles. Thad looks really awful. I know. I'm gonna surprise him with a nice steak dinner tonight. Right after I finish the stern. Coach? For the last time, Larry, I didn't steal your jeans. My bad. Sorry about that. Hey, Mary Jo. Alex. Coach. What a surprise. I was in the neighborhood. I figured, we're gonna be working together so why not hang out, right? Sounds great. Yeah well, I could tell the whole starter thing kind of got you by surprise, didn't it? A little. But, I mean, I'm kinda getting used to it, you know. Yeah, we're not all natural leaders, are we? You know, if I was you, I'd be scared too. Especially when you've got so much to lose, right? I'm not scared. Not yet, huh? Have you been reading the papers? We're not exactly predicted to go all the way, right? And trust me on this one, there is nothing that is more lonely than being starting quarterback on a losing team-- nothing. You know, it's a real shame Daniels is doing this to you. Especially you. It's a shame. Coach, is there something you want to say to me? - Yes there is. - Okay. You and I both know Daniels is on his way out. And I was just thinking it might be in the team's best interest for us to expedite his departure. Not quite sure how you want me to help you with that. Study this playbook. Help me convince your teammates to see the light. If you help me, I will give you everything that you want. You want to red-shirt? Fine. You want to show up for practice once a week? I don't care. All of this will be yours without any risk of it disappearing. I-- I guess I can take a look at this. Attaboy. Hey, listen. I'm meeting with some boosters tomorrow night. They've got my back. They'll have yours. Stop by the diner after practice tomorrow night. Let me know what you've decided. Coach Daniels BMS athletic board. I'm here to inform you that Thad Castle has now been cleared to play. He's back on the team. Hey man, get the hell off the field. Cool. All right. I don't think he bought it, but Where'd you learn to do impressions, man? You suck. Blue 16. Blue 16. - Set, hut. - every morning I read some stories don't be chained to the sky every day gonna make each story Moran, what the hell was that? You hit the man who's running the post. I wanna be your hero, baby I wanna be your hero, baby - Did you change that read? - Don't get so upset, coach. Consider this just like a proposal. That's the offense I think we should be running. Only high-percentage passes-- slants, quick outs, screens. We move the ball with precision-- You think you can run this team better than me? Why? Because some ungrateful pricks gave you a job on a silver platter? I was winning championships before you discovered how to jerk off. - Nice. - Don't ever go over my head again. You want to win some games? Then we've got to change. We can all see that. But you don't. Maybe that is why I am here. Okay, you are a coach in waiting, so just wait. And you stay out of my face. I don't think this prick realizes who he's dealing with. Yeah, coach seems pissed. I'm not talking about coach. Alex! Alex! What's up with you, man? I didn't come to this school to be a hero, all right? I came here to have fun. Now if these coaches want to use me, fine, let them. I'm gonna use them too. I have no idea what that means. I'm talking about the induction ceremony tonight. - You're coming, right? - No no, I'm drinking, man. - And you should too. - Dude, you have to come. My room at the goat house depends on it. I'm gonna be the first mascot to live at the goat house. Like the Jackie Robinson of mascots. Sammy, I'm sorry. I've got to do what's best for me. Why don't you come drinking with me? You know what? I'd rather drink with Thad. He values me. Houseboy! Come on, now! Yeah, what's up, man? What do you need? Wait up. Bartender, three beers and a funnel, please. Thank you. You're still here? I think I live here now. - Oh. - How much is Gilday paying you? Great, another one. You know, Alex, when you signed your letter of intent, you made a commitment to your coach. I don't believe in commitment. And I know for a fact you don't either. Yeah well, when Marty was at his height, a national champion, he chose you. Now you're walking away from him? I'm gonna have fun here. - Fun? - Mm-hmm. You don't know what fun is. You've never been here for a national championship win. Let me show you something. This photo was taken in this room the night of the 1993 national championship. There is nothing more fun than being the starting quarterback of a winning team. If there was ever a time to go for it all, now would be that time. - I'm gonna take this. - Mm-hmm. And you need to take the night and think about what kind of pictures you want of yourself hung on these walls, okay? - It was great seeing you. - You too. See you around. Better believe you will. - Bye, Alex. - Bye. - She hung with us at cheer practice. - Oh. Come on, Alex. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone, buddy. Come on, Alex. Pick it up. Castle, you can't be serious. This beautiful body of mine has to be fed. What's taking so long? You'll be eating soon enough, Mr. Ochocinco. He's coming. Right, houseboy? Yeah. Yeah, he's coming. He's coming. I gotta get me a houseboy. I can't believe I'm doing this. Daniels walks up to this kid Moran, offers him the starting quarterback position. The kid looks up and he says, "coach, I was thinking of red-shirting." Can you believe that? See me rising like a chosen one let me walk, baby, till I run. What are you doing here? I just wanted to stop by and let you know Moran won't be making it tonight. I don't know what you're talking about, honey. I'm just here having a soda with some boosters. When you mess with Marty, you mess with me. He might not be able to burn your house down in the middle of the night, but I sure can. And once my divorce from Dean Simon is official, I'll have the money to get away with it. Courtesy of alex Moran. Oh. Courtesy of me. It's to help you shove that playbook up your ***. Toodles. You've got to be kidding me. Who added this *** to the ceremony? - He did. - Coach, what are you doing here? BMS captain '71 and '72. No ***. Whoa. All aboard. I'm good right here. Get in the boat. As former captain of the BMS football team, I hereby pass the torch to you, Alex Moran. - Cool. - Kneel down if you accept. I'd rather not, if that's okay. Okay. - Great. - We're not finished. Wha-- Oh my God. Come on, no. No way. Every captain since the beginning of this program has worn this cup. And now you will wear it too. Thanks. That's a lot of dicks, guys. A lot of legendary dicks. Thanks for the crabs, guys. I'm gonna be showering for about a week. - And now for the final step. - Really? You're not officially a captain until you wear the brand of the captain. No. Oh no. No. No wait. No, hold on. I've seen Thad naked. He doesn't even have a brand. I was branded on the back of my ball sack. Not the smartest decision I ever made. Wouldn't recommend it. Just make it quick. On the ***. Coach, before this is made official, is there any way I can get back on the team? - Moran doesn't have it in him. - Thanks. I talked to the athletic board about an hour ago. One game suspension and then you're back. Yes! Oh my God, thank you so much, coach. I won't let you down. - So I get half a brand right? - No, full brand. This is so gay. Congratulations, captain. Did you get your room? Thad's giving me a closet. - A closet? - I know, awesome, right? Yeah. Welcome to the fellowship, Moran.
