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Hey, what's up?
Want some cheese?
What is all that?
I helped some guy
get a job at the paper,
so he gave me, like,
a cheese sampler.
You've done nothing
but eat cheese all day.
I can't stop.
That's a nice suitcase.
Can I borrow that
when I go on my honeymoon?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm sure the thing
will still be sittin' there.
What do you mean?
Remember when Debra and I
went to Connecticut
for the weekend?
Sure, Raymond.
I remember every one
of your comings and goings.
You're my whole life.
You want to hear
about it or not?
Sadly, yes.
All right, well,
we go away,
and we only take
the one suitcase with us.
We had a good time
gettin' away and everything,
but when we got home,
we were very tired,
so we just dropped
everything,
woke up the gruesome twosome
that were here babysitting,
and went up to bed.
The suitcase was sittin'
on the landing.
That was
two weeks ago.
So life just
kinda went on,
but then,
after a few days,
I noticed
it was still there.
At first I thought
Debra just hadn't gotten to it yet,
but then
it was, like, a week.
So why didn't you
just move it yourself?
Because I'm at work
all day.
Oh, and what Debra's doing
isn't work?
Yeah yeah yeah,
you're Mr. Sensitive.
What I'm saying is
that Debra's here.
She's walkin' by it
100 times a day.
It should be drivin' her
nuts by now.
At that point
I was like, "Fine.
Doesn't bother her,
it doesn't bother me."
Then a few days later
I notice her wearing a sweater
that she brought with her
on the trip.
So?
So that means she took it
out of the suitcase.
Is that passive-aggressive
or what?
So you know what I did?
I took my clothes
out of the suitcase too,
and walked
right in front of her.
What did that do?
Nothin'.
Then yesterday
I stubbed my toe
on the damn thing.
So I say
to no one in particular,
"Huh, that suitcase
is still there?"
And she goes,
"Yeah, I guess it is."
So now I definitely know
she's not just
puttin' off movin' it.
She's-she's waitin' me out
or somethin'.
I'll let you in
on a little secret:
She's gonna be waitin'
a long time.
So? What do ya think?
This is insane!
I know!
What's her problem?
No, the both of you.
You've had a two-week fight
over a suitcase.
It's not really a fight.
You know, I mean,
everything's the same.
We eat, we sleep,
we watch TV,
play with the kids.
Everything's fine.
But the one who moves
that suitcase
will not be me.
You are a baby.
I am not a baby.
Give me back my cheese.
- Hey.
- How's that, huh?
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi, Deb.
Ray, I was gonna order
pizza tonight,
but if you're too cheesed out
we can go to that new chicken place.
Okay, yeah.
Chicken sounds great.
Okay.
Okay, you see that?
You see how she
just walked past it
just to rub it
in my face?
All I saw was a woman
helpfully suggesting
a new chicken place to her husband.
I always look for
the good, Raymond.
Yeah, 'cause you already got
the bad and the ugly.
Hey, turn the TV on.
Actually, I'm leavin'
to cover the Mets' road trip.
So turn it on and go.
You got any of
that cheese left?
Uh, just the Roquefort,
which you're more than welcome to.
It really stinks bad.
I'll eat it fast.
Hey, guys, come on,
it's time for bed.
Let's go.
Ray, it's gettin' late.
- Shouldn't you pack?
- Yeah yeah.
Watch it, boys.
Watch the suitcase.
What?
That suitcase
has been sittin' there
for three weeks and...
Nobody wants
to be the one to move it.
I gotcha.
But the thing is,
I gotta pack now,
so I'm gonna be the one
who has to move the suitcase.
Why don't you take
another suitcase?
No! Can't leave that one
sittin' there.
It'll be too obvious
that I did it on purpose.
Well, that's good.
Deb should know
how you feel.
I'm a great believer
in letting people know
what's going on in here.
Yeah, and every other
part of your body.
I don't want to
get in a fight over a suitcase
right before I have to go.
I'll just do it.
Hey, listen to me.
This is not about
a suitcase.
This is about who wears
the pants in the family.
Whose idea was it
to bring it in the first place?
Hers, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Then I was stuck
luggin' it around all weekend.
If you move that suitcase,
you might as well
put on a dress
and change your name
to Daisy Mae Tinklepants.
Ray...
you gotta leave soon.
Are you gonna get ready?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
What was that about?
It's all right, Deb.
You don't need
to pretend with me.
I know all about
the suitcase.
What do you mean?
I know about your
little Mexican standoff.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Aw, forget about it.
Hey, looks like Ray forgot
to take the suitcase with him.
You oughta bring it up.
He had three weeks!
Why didn't he move that thing?
Three weeks!
At first I thought
he was clueless,
but if he talked to you,
he knew what he was doin'!
Aren't you doin'
the same thing?
No! This is completely different.
I have to do everything
around this house.
If I don't do it,
it doesn't get done.
Well, that's because...
now take it easy...
that's how
it's supposed to be.
"That's how it's
supposed to be"?!
I said take it easy.
Now look, Ray lugged the suitcase
around all weekend,
but it's in the house now
all full of laundry,
and it's all "womany" now.
So... you should move it.
That's how
it's supposed to be.
Okay, now let me
tell you something.
If I'm the one
that has to do the laundry,
why should I be the one
to drag that thing upstairs, huh?
Isn't the man supposed
to carry stuff?
Isn't that the "manny" thing
to do, huh?
Isn't that how
that's supposed to be?
Obviously, you've spent
a lot more time thinking about this
than I have.
All packed.
See ya later.
What are you doing?
What?
Just packin' a soda
for the road.
Problem?
That's how you're
getting on the airplane?
Yeah. I'm travelin' light,
I'm travelin' loose.
What are you, a hobo?
Why don't you take
the suitcase?
What suitcase?
You know what suitcase.
Are you referring
to the suitcase
that you haven't moved
in three weeks?
Is that the suitcase
to which you are referring?
Why couldn't you move it?
Why couldn't
you move it?
All right, you are not going
to the airport with a grocery bag.
Take the suitcase!
You know what?
I don't need it.
Okay, you know what?
Oh!
Yeah, good.
Good!
Real mature!
I don't care.
I don't care.
Thanks to the good people
at Waldbaum's,
I got a complete
set of luggage right here.
All the luggage I need
right here.
Waterproof,
beautiful luggage.
Right here,
all the luggage.
See ya in a couple of days!
Hi, Debra.
Hey, Marie.
When's Raymond
comin' home?
Tomorrow afternoon.
I was just on my way
to the market,
and I was...
Debra, are you cooking
something?
No.
Oh, because...
there's an aroma.
You know what?
I smelled it, too. Yeah.
Wow, it's getting worse.
Where's it comin' from?
I don't know. Ugh!
It's getting close.
Eww!
Debra, you can't keep
cheese in a suitcase.
I didn't put it there, Marie.
Ray. Ray!
Run. Quick, get rid of it.
I cannot believe him.
Why don't we take the suitcase
outside and air it out?
No no no!
We're not moving it.
But, Debra...
No. Ray doesn't get to
win because of this.
If smells bothered me,
I would've left him
a long time ago.
Oh, dear.
I knew you were having
suitcase problems,
but I didn't think
it had gotten this bad.
How did you know about
our suitcase problem?
Come with me.
I want to show you something.
Did-did Frank tell you
about this?
Frank? You didn't think
I'd notice a suitcase
sitting there
for 23 and a half days?
Okay.
What I'm gonna tell you
I've never told anyone...
not Raymond,
not Robert, no one.
Wow, Marie, what is it?
When Frank and I
got married,
one of our gifts
was a big fork and spoon.
Oh.
I had always assumed that those
were Robert's baby utensils.
No, they were
a wedding present.
Frank and I wanted to return them
the minute we opened the box.
You don't like
the big fork and spoon?
We hate the big fork
and spoon.
But they're like
a fixture of the house...
the big fork and spoon.
They're horrible...
look at them.
They're completely
without nuance.
So why are they
up there?
I wanted Frank
to return them
because it was his Aunt Sophia
that gave them to me.
Ugh, his family.
I tell you, Debra,
the groom's side of the church
was like a gypsy camp.
And so Frank thought
that you should return it.
Of course.
I'm the woman.
They're technically silverware.
So one day,
after months
of the spoon and the fork
just sitting on the counter,
we had a big fight.
It was our first fight
as husband and wife.
Wow. The shot heard
'round the world.
Finally, I told him,
"I'm going to my mother's
and when I get back,
you'd better be
the only ugly thing
left in this house."
And when I got home
he was sitting right here,
and he had nailed
the spoon to the wall.
Whoa!
He thought he had won.
You see what I did?
Ah, very clever.
And notice the fork
is higher.
And they've been there
ever since.
Every time
I come into this kitchen,
it reminds me of that fight.
Every day for 45 years.
Wow, I'm shocked.
You two seem so happy.
Trust me, dear.
It's not worth it.
Go. Go move the luggage.
You be the better person.
Hmm?
Don't let a suitcase
filled with cheese
be your big
fork and spoon.
I've never heard that before.
Take it to heart, dear.
All right.
Thanks, Marie.
Of course.
Hey, why don't you take
the big fork and spoon down right now?
What do you mean?
It's been 45 years.
Wasn't that the point
of your story?
What, are you taking
Frank's side?
Hi.
Hey. Hi.
What are you doin' home?
Well...
I decided
to come home early.
Oh.
Yeah, I...
you know, I had
some time to kill
when I got to Chicago,
so I went to get
a slice of pizza.
You know,
they got the deep-dish pizza,
and the cheese is so good.
And I got to thinkin'...
cheese.
I love it, and yet
I used it as a weapon.
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Me too.
I'm sorry
things got so nuts.
Yeah. Me too.
Are the kids home yet?
No, not for another hour.
Oh, 'cause I was thinkin'...
we didn't get to have
our regular goin'-away action
before I left.
Gee, tough break.
Well, I've read
that coming-home action
can also be rather pleasant.
Yeah, but you were only gone
for a couple of days.
Oh.
But we did just make up.
Yes. Yeah, we did.
We did make up,
so we could have makeup action,
'cause we made up.
We made up
so frickin' much!
Hey hey hey.
You want to get that?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, that's why
you came home, right?
So you could get it?
Well, yeah,
but I thought...
you know, I thought
since you know
I came all the way
from Chicago,
that you would
be the one to...
Okay, Ray,
you know what?
I'm getting it.
What's that supposed
to mean?
It means I'll get it.
I'll be the one who got it.
Oh, no no no no no!
I will get it.
Let the record show
that I got it.
Let go of the suitcase.
You let go!
You let go of it.
Let go of...
let go, let go, let go!
Let go!
I'm taking it.
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
I've got it!
No. I'm movin' it!
I'm the one movin' it,
everybody.
- Look at me!
- I'm still holding it.
It doesn't matter
who's holding it.
It matters
who's moving it.
You think you're
gonna hold it over me?
How's the suitcase
thing goin'?
What do you want?
I was gonna see
if I can borrow that,
but the airline won't let me
carry on all three of you.
All right, Frank.
Today's the day.
The big fork and spoon
are coming down,
because I've been able
to rise above
45 years of pettiness.
This is all your fault!
When did we get those?
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