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Okay, specs are all in
the green. So, let me just reboot the
CPU, and... Beep boop, you
are no longer a cripple.
- One, two, three, Go Herd.
- Well?
Well? Well, you
could've done this weeks ago!
- So it's about *** time!
- Ooh, hang on a sec?
- Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying?
- Thank you.
- No, what were you saying like you meant it?
- Thank you, Krieger,
- for once again giving me the precious gift of legs.
- You're welcome.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need
to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
Ha! Perfect,
this is absolutely perfect.
- Cherlene!
- Ow! God! Come on!
- Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby.
- Oh, shut up. Cher...
- What?! ***, woman, inside voice!
- How...
would you, my little country songbird,
like to be on Travis County Limits?
- Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits?
- It's comparable,
- hush. Cherlene?
- I don't know. I guess.
You... would be wonderful, and
it would be wonderful publicity, and...
- wonderful.
- All right. When is it?
Tapes tomorrow night, but we
should leave today. I don't want you
- flying the same day you're performing.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
- Well, but...
- Because Cherlene don't fly.
Airplane air is so dry,
plus you're breathing in God knows
what those tuberculars
in coach are... Excuse me?!
- I don't fly.
- I... but-but I've seen you fly.
- Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly.
- In a helicopter, the
- space shuttle...
- Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp?
- Oh, come on, we were all thinking it.
- What, how are you all
- so *** loud?
- Could you not find a punch bowl?
It was too heavy.
And also too spilly.
Now, what's with all the yelling?
I booked Cherlene on
Travis County Limits, and...
- Is that like...?
- It's comparable!
- But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly.
- Wait, really?
So you've only got 24
hours to drive to Texas?
- Well, 36 but...
- But after we get a bus
- and a blocker car it'll be 24, right?
- What?
- Oh. Oh, God, no.
- Yes!
- Archer?
- Lana!
Sterling! What
are you talking about?
- Smokey and the *** Bandit.
- What?
- We're going # Eastbound and down! #
- I will never
understand his idiotic fascination
with all this Burt Reynolds
- Smokey trucker nonsense.
- I think part of it is because you didn't get him
- that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday.
- Wha...? He was 30!
5x05 - Archer Vice:
Southbound and Down
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
- And words fail me. I have no words.
- How about
- ten-***-four?!
- How about how much did this cost?
- How about a Jacuzzi, ***? Woooooo!
- You know what they say...
- can't put a price on free advertising.
- No, they don't,
- and free this isn't.
- Exactly. How much are they
- paying Cherlene?
- It's public television, they don't pay
anything. All they do is suck
money in. They take our taxes...
- Or donations, whatever.
- Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking
Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes
it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants,
launders it in inner-city methadone clinics,
and pumps it right back
- out to pro-abortion, super-PACs!
- Still no words.
- And, wow, maybe I have aphasia.
- Where do you think you're going?
She's driving the bus.
Mother, get on the bus.
- Lana, you're riding with me.
- In what?
In the blocker car, duh, if
Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle.
- The what?
- Okay, first of all...
- How much did that cost?
- Well, again, it's advertising, so...
- For what?
- Hmm, I guess Pontiac?
- God.
- And where are you going?
Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate
life blossoming inside me, nowhere in
- a car with T-tops and a four-barrel.
- Wha... Who's gonna do
snappy dialogue with me,
underscored by *** attraction?
I'm so angry right now
I can't even...
Oh, *** it!
Did you fart in that?
- Damn it, Cyril, slow down!
- Cyril, do nothing of the sort!
Because if we miss that taping,
I won't be responsible for my actions.
- Are you ever?
- She said, single and
- pregnant. Oh, wait.
- Can you two please go...
anywhere else? It's bad enough
I have to drive 24 hours straight.
Well, Krieger said he needed
Ray's help on some sort of project.
- This quit being funny two hours ago!
- It's not supposed to be funny.
So shut up and drive the damn bus!
Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about
Cherlene getting a record deal.
- Right, and your 10 percent of it.
- Or 50 or whatever.
- What?
- 50, really?
Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?
- Nothing?
- Meh.
And not that I care what any of you
think, about anything, but I lost everything
when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took
what little I had left, so now I need to
make it back somehow. And I'm not doing
that selling ***, thanks to Sterling,
who, unbelievably, is even
worse at this than at spying.
Hey, so...
yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's
holding down the talk-button thingy?
- Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer.
- Exactly the opposite
- of how it works.
- What? Oh.
- Uh, sorry, Archer.
- Ten-ten-four, good buddy.
- Sterling?
- Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow!
- Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?!
- Ouch!
- Shut up.
- Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard
her say that. That's got to be a real
knee to the old emotional nut sack.
Well, I guess it would be, if
A: I weren't the world's greatest spy.
- Eh.
- Shut up,
and B: If they weren't sitting on a
- hundred pounds of coke.
- What?!
- Affirmatory, good buddy!
- Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up
- in Texas and everything?!
- Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on.
We're talking about Texas.
Somebody, somewhere, wants enough
- *** to forget they live there.
- Yeah, but not 100 pounds.
Maybe we'll get lucky, find an
entire town that wants to commit suicide.
Wonder if there's a statewide
database of towns with sucky high school
football teams cross-indexed with
towns a black person just moved to.
- Jesus, Pam, I was kidding.
- Duh, me too, lickbag.
Well, but see if there is one, just
- for *** and giggles.
- Um, so, hey, speaking of...
The hat fart was technically a shart?
- How are you still single?
- Right?
Cyril!
*** it!
- I'm-I'm sorry!
- What the hell is going on up here?!
- I must've dozed off!
- Really? You don't just hate signs?
- No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow!
- In addition to sushi,
***, and soft cheeses, I'm also
supposed to abstain from bus crashes!
- So stay awake!
- I'm trying, but 18 hours?
- I don't know how Pam's doing it.
- Seriously?
Woooooo!!
What the...?!
- Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas!
- Already?
- What the ***, Pam?!
- That's how we do backseat drivers.
- I was driving!
- Yeah, and sucking at it.
- *** it! How long was I out?
- Like, 12 hours? Five states,
dozen cupcakes, a
bunch of truck stops.
Uh, breaker breaker, you got your
- ears on, Snowball? Come back.
- Hang on.
Your handle is Snowball?! Like
Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?!
- Who?
- Oh. Is it from from the cupcake?
- Cupcakes? Oh! Oh, no.
- Then what's it...?
Truck stops... are crazy awesome!
This is Snowball, good buddy.
- You might wanna check your six, Snowball.
- Ew, is that about the shart?!
- Wha...? No, lickbag!
- It was a reasonable assumption.
- What the...?
- Looks like you got
- a chain gang knocking on your back door.
- Bikers?
- What the hell do they want?
- I think they want us to pull over.
- Obviously, you idiot! Why?!
- Kidnapping!
It's a kidnapping, it's
a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene!
- Why would bikers want to kidnap you?
- Why would anyone?
- Yeah, you're not even famous.
- Yet! Duh!
- Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over!
- We are not...
Hey, treebeard!
Take me with you! You can do unspeakable
- things to and/or on me! I...
- You are not getting
- kidnapped just to boost your singing career!
- Well, now wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody
- we were hauling a shitload of coke?!
- Uh...
- Mmm... maybe.
- Maybe?!
- Or definitely. Or whatever.
- *** it, Pam!
- I wanted people to like me.
- People who like you because you have
*** aren't people you want as
friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist,
but neither are people who need
a roll of quarters to take a shower!
It's not just a shower, it's more
communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...
Wow! I didn't think it was possible,
but I somehow just got even angrier!
- What the heck are you looking for?
- Gun!
- Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out!
- No!
- Oh, God!
- They're shooting at them!
And I'd love nothing
more than to shoot back, Pam,
- but somehow, I can't find my gun!
- Huh.
- For the love of God, just pull over!
- Uh, okay.
- Cyril, do not stop this bus!
- Okay!
Let's just give them Cherlene.
That is the very definition of a win-win!
- Yes!
- No!
- Why do you always ruin everything for me?!
- Why do you always never shut up?!
Because where the hell is my gun?!
Are you, like, sure you brought it?
- Move!
- Oh, shut up.
Seriously.
Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did
you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?!
Okay, so, apparently a big thing
at truck stops is a game called craps.
And apparently I'm not good at it.
- Lana, Lana, Lana!
- Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs!
Yeah, ***, that's how I roll!
- ***!
- Because even
a *** baby knows, in craps,
you never bet on the hard ways! Ow!
- Oh ***...
- ...it!
- You mad?
- Give ya three guesses, Pam.
No?
No? No?
Wrong, Pam. Although I bet
I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be
- when I tell her this was all your fault!
- Aw, come on, Archer,
- don't do that! That's not what good buddies do!
- Okay, first of all,
- you have wildly misjudged our relationship!
- Archer!
- Lana!
- Yeah, you're one to talk.
- And you're lucky I don't have my gun!
- And just why the hell don't you?!
Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam!
- Oh, come on, please?
- I...!
- I-I didn't think I would need it.
- You didn't think?!
Well, it's a good damn thing
I ain't paying you to think!
Yeah, you're
not actually pay... Ow!
The quite-soon-to-be-number-one
country singer in America?!
And you don't think
I'm a kidnapping risk?!
- Wait... you do? Ow!
- Yeah, you know,
I'm with Archer. I think those bikers
just wanted to rob us, or...
What?! I mean, that's just
absolutely crazy. We have nothing.
Well, I would
like to revisit this whole
kidnapping idea when we have
more time, but she still has
- a show in two hours and we've still got...
- I think about a hundred miles.
And one extremely flat tire, so...
Fix it!
I will be on my tour bus
- putting whiskey and glue inside me.
- You heard her. Fix it.
Yeah, you guys chill on the bus.
- I'll help lickbag here change the tire.
- Oh, my God.
Sorry, I had to sell it.
Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag!
And what's with the "lickbag" stuff?
It's your CB handle! I told
it to everybody from here to Kentucky!
Good buddy.
Whew! Okay, that's got it.
- Well, it took you long enough.
- Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes
- start to finish, what an incompetent ***.
- Your words.
- You know...
- Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?!
Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag?
- Ten-four.
- So, I think we may have a problem.
Yeah, no ***. I keep waiting
for her to have a heart attack, but...
- Not Pam.
- Yay!
- The cops.
- Boo.
- Oh, ***!
- Yeah, I'm gonna pull over.
- No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes!
- What do you want me to
- do, run from the cops?
- I want you to take that exit for the venue.
Let Sterling deal with this
in that ridiculous blocker car.
Yeah, good,
you guys get out of here;
- we'll lure them away and outrun them.
- In this ***-heap?
- Are you nuts?!
- Are you? You want them to get
- pulled over with 50 pounds of ***?
- What?!
- Or kilos, or whatever.
- You put 50 kilos of *** on this bus
- without my permission?! Sterling?!
- You have to press the button.
- The what?
- Oh, for... You dated
- Burt Reynolds!
- They don't have the coke, lickbag!
- We do! Right here in the Trans Am!
- Oh.
Well, then problem solved.
So, I have a question.
I switched the coke in Little Rock,
'cause I was worried that...
That because of your fat, blabbering
mouth Lana would get caught with it
and have to have her baby in prison?
Or because you were low on cupcakes?!
Does the why really matter?
♪ Eastbound and down ♪
♪ Loaded up and truckin' ♪
♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪
♪ We got a long way to go ♪
♪ And a short time to get... ♪
Yeah! Check it out, lickbag!
- Cherlene wrote a song about us.
- What? She didn't write a...
- That's from Smokey and the... *** it!
- Oww!
- What the ***, Snidely Whiplash?!
- Now both of our cars
are messed up!
I just leveled the playing field!
- Oh, my God, I can't feel my face!
- Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got
- anything to do with your ***-only diet!
- Well, it's a small
price to pay for beauty!
- Damn it!
- Man, and here you are without your gun.
- That's pretty ironic, huh?
- No, Pam, once again you're confusing
the word ironic with "you are an idiot".
What's ironic is that every other store
- we drive by is a gun shop!
- Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?
Nobody really knows!
Hang on!
And then back up a sec.
You're endangering your life for beauty?
Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now?
Let me answer that for you.
As balls. That's why
everybody likes me now.
Who, your trucker buddies?!
They only like you because
- you have coke, Pam.
- Well, and the snowballs, but...
And for what it's worth, we
all kind of liked you the way you were.
- Really?
- Well, we hated you less.
- You kind of turned into a ginormous ***.
- Yeah, with ginormous big tittays.
Oh, for... Pam, who cares?
That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue.
Albeit a shitload of it.
- But I can't *** you if you die from an overdose.
- Aw, you want to *** me?
Obviously! I mean look
at those big ***!
Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though.
- Prison? But it's my first offense.
- Well, except for treason,
but explain all that to the
Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll...
Wait a minute, we're in
Travis county. Why does their car
- say Brazos county?
- Give you three guesses!
- Crooked cops?
- Yes!
- Hang on, I still got two...
- Pam, get the coke!
Yeah!
Holy coke snacks.
- Enable the *** out of me!
- What?
- Not to snort, you idiot!
- Well, I don't want to shoot it.
- That seems like a pretty slippery slope!
- Pam, any *** is
a slippery slope! It's the
world's most addictive drug.
- Hang on, I heard it was nicotine.
- It may very well be, Pam,
but in our current situation I would
argue that *** is more dangerous,
because we're about to get
murdered for it!
- Yeah, but not overall...
- They don't want us,
- they just want the coke, so throw it out!
- Of the car?
- Pam!
- Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me!
- What could I possibly owe you?!
- I believe there was some
- mention of bone-throwing?
- Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win.
♪ I'm eastbound
Just watch ol' Bandit run! ♪
Woo-hooo! Thank you!
Good night, Travis County!
There will be no encore!
Woooooo!
- Wait, what?
- Outlaw country!
No, no, no, you don't walk off after
one song; you get back out there this instant.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, it's called cultivating mystique?
- But...
- It's also called
sniffing a ***-ton of glue in
my tour bus hot tub
- because I personify outlaw country?
- The...
- Outlaw country! Woooooo!
- Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records,
and I want to make that little gal
famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...?
- Oh, no, it's actually Ms....
- It's actually Mrs.
- Will you put...
- Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call
when y'all are ready to make some
gold records. Yee-haw!
- Ooh! Well, that went better than expected.
- Yeah, maybe you can use
the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.
- I actually don't think you can.
- Plus there's no need.
- Wait, what?
- Sterling!
Yeah, no, everything
is, uh, totally fine now,
and we totally got away.
So, all set.
Yes, but how?
The police were right behind you.
Which is right where I wanted
them, so I could go old school Bandit.
- With an inverted triple Needham.
- Well, it was your own
fault for bringing *** without asking,
but I suppose all's well that ends well.
- Well, except for...
- Pam?
- All's well that ends well?
- Oh, right.
But what about the hundred pounds
of coke you dumped on the highway?
- What?!
- Pam!
Looks like old
Snowball done it again!
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~