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( music playing )
Katt Williams: ALL COMEDY COMES FROM A DARK PLACE.
NONE OF IT IS THE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, "HEY."
THAT-- THOSE AREN'T COMEDIANS.
THOSE ARE FUNNY PEOPLE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
A COMIC IS A GUY WHO IS, FIRST OF ALL, CYNICAL.
HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING. HE DOESN'T TRUST ANYTHING.
THERE ARE COMICS THAT DON'T FIT INTO THAT CRITERIA,
BUT THEY'RE *** COMICS.
SO ALL OF THESE DARK THINGS ARE-- ARE THERE.
AND COMEDY-- COMEDIANS ARE BORN OUT OF THAT DARKNESS.
M.C.: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER--
Y'ALL READY TO HEAR THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER RIGHT NOW.
Y'ALL READY TO HEAR THIS SHOW? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
BETTER THAN THAT! GET LOUDER THAN THAT!
COME ON, Y'ALL! MAKE SOME NOISE.
( applause grows )
( music stops )
UM...
WHAT'S GOING ON, WASHINGTON? HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?
( audience shouting )
BEFORE I GET STARTED,
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE ***' WEATHER.
YOU GREEDY ***
CANNOT HAVE ALL THE *** WEATHER.
THIS IS ***. I BEEN HERE 24 HOURS,
IT'S BEEN HOT, MILD, RAINY, CLOUDY, SLEETY, SNOWY--
THIS IS ***!
A *** DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR IN THIS ***.
I'M IN THE HOTEL LOBBY WITH THIS FUR COAT,
SOME SWIM TRUNKS, SOME TIMBERLANDS AND AN UMBRELLA
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAY HAPPEN
IN THIS RAGGEDY *** THIS EVENING.
HOW THE *** YOU GONNA *** SOMEBODY? IT'S 13 BELOW ZERO.
DONE FROZE TO DEATH. "***, WHERE'S MY--"
SHE WALKIN' ON PAST YA-- "SHUT UP, *** ***,
WAIT TILL APRIL! WAIT TILL APRIL.
I'M'A THAW OUT AND SMACK THE *** OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD."
***.
I GOT IN THE LIMO, I TOLD THE DRIVER,
"I NEED TO GO TO A MALL."
AND MAYBE I JUST WASN'T SPECIFIC ENOUGH FOR THIS ***.
WE PULL UP AT THE IVERSON MALL.
( audience howling )
LORD, JESUS!
IF THIS AIN'T THE MOST GHETTO MALL IN ALL OF AMERICA!
***!
THAT *** LOOK BIG AS *** FROM THE OUTSIDE.
THEN YOU GET INSIDE AND FIND OUT
THIS *** IS BUILT IN A CIRCLE.
WE GO IN, I'M LIKE, "OH, THIS IS NICE, ***. THIS IS NICE.
THEY GOT A FOOT LOCKER-- THAT'S THE ***, ***.
THEY GOT TWO *** FOOT LOCKERS?
THESE *** GOT THREE *** FOOT LOCKERS?"
I DONE *** AROUND AND BOUGHT THE SAME SHOES TWICE,
***' AROUND IN THIS RAGGEDY ***.
AIN'T GOT BUT 16 STORES.
GOT A *** IN THERE SELLING PIT-BULL PUPPIES
AND FISH SANDWICHES.
"***, I NEED A TURTLENECK."
I LOVE ***!
I LOVE *** ESTABLISHMENTS.
I WENT IN THERE AND I WENT TO COLEY'S BARBERSHOP
AND GOT LINED UP A LITTLE BIT, STOPPED IN A FEW STORES.
IT WAS NICE, BUT, UM...
I GOT TO SHOP WITH WHITE PEOPLE SOMETIMES.
WHITE PEOPLE STILL BELIEVE IN MEDIUMS.
WHAT IS UP WITH THESE *** *** ESTABLISHMENTS?
I ASKED THAT *** FOR A MEDIUM.
HE ACTED LIKE I ASKED HIM FOR SOME *** OR SOMETHING.
I SAID, "CAN I GET A MEDIUM?" AND-- ( gasps )
"WE DON'T DO THAT *** AROUND HERE, ***.
WE GOT 4Xs, 5Xs, 6Xs, 7Xs AND 11Xs."
I'M LIKE, "***, THIS IS KIDS' FOOT LOCKER.
FIND ME A ***' MEDIUM."
***.
I LOVE MY ***' D.C.
Y'ALL ARE SOME FLASHY, FLOSSY, FLY ***.
JUST LOOK AROUND AND LOOK AT ALL THE PIMPS IN THE BUILDING.
THIS IS THE ONLY CITY YOU CAN COME TO
AND SEE A *** WITH DREADLOCKS AND FUR COAT
AND SOME CHURCH SHOES.
LIKE, "***, YOU THE BELL HOP? THIS IS ***.
THIS ***..."
PARDON ME, DON'T LOOK AT MY BELT BUCKLE TOO LONG.
IT'LL BLIND YOU-- DON'T...
JUST IN CASE *** SHOOT AT PIMPIN'.
( sound of bullets ricocheting )
"NOPE, NO, NOT TODAY. NOT TODAY, ***."
PYEW-PYEW-PYEW!
HOW YOU DOIN', SIR?
THOUGHT YOU WAS FAT JOE FOR A MINUTE.
***, "LEAN BACK. LEAN BACK."
I LOVE THIS ***' CITY. I SWEAR 'FORE GOD.
THIS IS ONE OF THE FEW CITIES IN AMERICA
WHERE YOU CAN BE IN A LIMO
AND BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK-- LOOK AT THE ARCHITECTURE
AND LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL," AND THEN THREE SECONDS LATER,
BE LIKE, "***, IS THAT TWO PIT BULLS FIGHTIN' A CRACKHEAD?
WHAT THE ***, ***?
THIS IS THE SAME *** STREET. WHAT THE *** HAPPENED?"
SEE THE WHITE HOUSE AND TWO CRACKHEADS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.
"THIS-- THIS IS A HELL OF A TOUR, ***.
THIS IS A HELL OF A *** TOUR."
IT TAKES A LOT TO BUILD A COMIC, JUST LIKE IT DOES A DOCTOR.
SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE CALIBER OF COMIC THAT I AM,
THERE'S GOT TO BE A LOT OF *** IN YOUR LIFE--
JUST A LOT-- A LOT OF STUFF,
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE-WATCHING,
AND LOT OF LIES AND TRUTHS
AND THINGS THAT YOU SAW THAT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE
AND STUFF YOU DOCUMENTED IN YOUR HEAD.
AND YOUR HEAD HAS TO WORK A CERTAIN WAY.
TO BE A-- A REALLY GOOD COMIC,
YOU HAVE TO PROCESS INFORMATION WELL
AND REMEMBER IT AND KEEP IT.
AND IT-- YOU KNOW, IT'S--
IT'S THE JOB OF A PUBLIC OFFICIAL, THE COMIC.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, NOT AS LOFTY
AND NOT AS TAXING, I WOULD IMAGINE.
BUT IT'S-- IT'S A LIFELONG OBLIGATION.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE A COMEDIAN,
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH.
THE LIMO DRIVER WAS SCARED TO COME TO THE HOOD.
HE TOLD US WE WEREN'T GOING TO LIKE THIS MALL--
"IT'S TOO SMALL. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE."
WE WERE LIKE, "SIR, WE WANT TO GO WHERE SOME *** ARE."
AND HE FINALLY, AFTER-- AFTER GREAT BEGGING AND PLEADING,
HE BROUGHT US TO IVERSON MALL.
- SO THAT'S WHERE WE ARE. - CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Man: THE IRISHMAN MALL?
THE IVERSON MALL-- ALLEN IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.
- A MALL. - Driver: A MALL? OKAY.
- WHEREVER-- - IS TIME A CONSIDERATION?
I GUESS WE WANT TO GO TO A MALL
THAT'S CLOSE TO HERE.
WHICH MALL ARE WE GOING TO?
I WOULD THINK PENTAGON CITY.
DO BLACK PEOPLE GO TO THAT MALL?
UM, I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. YES.
( laughs )
DUDE, WE WANT A MALL WHERE IT'S MOSTLY BLACK PEOPLE.
OKAY. UM...
I HAVE TO GO WHERE MY FANS--
- EVEN IF IT'S IN THE-- - YES YES.
NOW OF COURSE, FOR A MALL LIKE THAT,
WHICH WOULD BE SMALLER--
YOU KNOW, AND WOULD BE IN P.G. COUNTY,
AND THEREFORE WE'RE A LITTLE FURTHER OUT.
BUT WE CAN DO WHATEVER YOU'D LIKE.
LET'S HEAD THERE NOW THEN.
BUT THIS WOULD NOT-- YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A SMALLER MALL.
- YOU KNOW-- - IT'S OKAY.
- WE'RE NOT GOING TO SHOP. - YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SHOP?
BASICALLY, WE'RE-- YEAH, NO.
- OKAY. - OKAY.
OKAY? SO WE'RE ALL SET.
YOU WANT TO GO TO THIS MALL,
EVEN THOUGH IT'S SMALLER. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING.
- RIGHT. - THANK YOU.
AND DO ANY OF YOU SMOKE? I'M VERY SORRY, NO SMOKING INSIDE THE CAR.
- ( gun fires ) - OKAY.
LIMO DRIVERS HATE COMING TO THE HOOD.
TURN THAT *** OFF.
THE DIFFERENCE IS, YOU KNOW, WITH MOST PEOPLE,
THE BAD PARTS OF THEIR LIFE ARE--
ARE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE TO WHAT THEY DO.
AND AS A COMIC, YOU KNOW,
THE BAD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE ARE PRODUCTIVE.
SO YOU GET TO USE IT-- THE BAD RELATIONSHIPS,
THE BREAK-UPS, THE KIDS,
THE HASSLES, THE JOBS. JUST EVERYTHING BAD IN YOUR LIFE
BECOMES GOOD FOR YOUR JOB, WHICH IS COMEDY.
SO THE JOURNEY'S WORTHWHILE.
I'M JUST HERE TO REMIND *** THAT LIFE IS SHORT.
MAKE SURE THAT YOU ***' ENJOY YOURSELF.
HAVE YOU SOME ***' FUN IN YOUR LIFE.
DON'T BE WASTING YOUR TIME STRESSING ALL *** DAY.
SOME OF Y'ALL BE CRYIN' ABOUT PAYING YOUR BILLS.
LOOK, DON'T FORGET, LIFE IS SHORT.
SOME OF Y'ALL JUST NEED TO TELL THE TRUTH.
YOU LYIN' TO THE BILL COLLECTORS, GOT YOUR KIDS LYIN'.
"MY DADDY SAY HE AIN'T HOME."
THIS IS ***. JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
WHEN THEY CALL-- BRRRING! "HELLO?
MM-HMM.
THIS IS HE.
MM-HMM.
NO, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
*** ***. OKAY.
UM, YOUR NAME IS JERRY, RIGHT?
JERRY, ARE YOU BY A COMPUTER WHERE YOU CAN GET THIS DOWN?
GOOD, I AM NEVER EVER EVER GONNA ***' PAY Y'ALL.
NO, NOT PAYMENTS, NOT INSTALLMENTS.
I'M NOT DOING ***, JERRY.
DON'T THREATEN ME, JERRY. I ALREADY GOT BAD CREDIT.
Y'ALL SHOULD HAVE TURNED THAT *** OFF LAST MONTH.
GOD BLESS YOU TOO. GOD BLESS YOU TOO."
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE STRESSIN'.
I MAKE SURE THAT ALL OF MY DAYS IS WORTH SOMETHING.
THAT'S WHY I STILL SMOKE WEED. 'CAUSE IT'S A WAY FOR A ***
TO TAKE A QUICK VACATION WITHOUT LEAVING.
I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL CAN'T SMOKE WEED 'CAUSE YOU GOT A GOOD JOB.
BUT IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB AND YOU'RE NOT SMOKIN' WEED,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE *** YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.
I REALLY DON'T.
THERE IS A CHEMICAL IN WEED THAT'S CALLED "*** IT."
AND IF YOU COULD JUST GET THAT IN YOUR SYSTEM,
IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
SOME OF Y'ALL BE CRYIN' ABOUT THE LIGHT BILL.
SAYING, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO ABOUT THIS LIGHT BILL.
THEY WANT THE WHOLE THING. THEY DON'T WANT A PIECE OF IT,
DEPOSIT-- THEY WANT ALL OF IT."
JUST HIT THE BLUNT ONE TIME AND SEE IF IT DON'T CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION
OF WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE.
YOU JUST-- "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO ABOUT THIS LIGHT BILL.
I-- ( inhales )
*** THE *** LIGHTS.
( exhales )
I GOT 12 CANDLES. I BEEN WAITING TO BURN THEM ***."
LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
Y'ALL ACTUALLY GOT SOME GOOD WEED IN WASHINGTON TOO.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S ACTUALLY--
I HAD TO HAVE A MEETING WITH ALL THE WEED SALESMEN
AND EXPLAIN TO THESE *** THAT I HAVE AN AGENDA.
I HAVE *** TO DO. I NEED REGULAR WEED.
I DON'T WANT *** WITH A NICKNAME-- NOT THRILLA, KILLA,
SALMONELLA-- NONE OF THAT ***, ***. NO NO.
I WANT REGULAR WEED. I WANT IT TO SAY RIGHT ON THE BAG--
"REGULAR WEED."
*** IN D.C. SOLD ME SOME ***.
I'M USED TO HITTIN' WEED AND GETTIN' THE MUNCHIES.
THAT COMES WITH IT.
THIS *** SOLD ME SOME WEED SO ***' GOOD,
HAD ME LOOKIN' AT THE REFRIGERATOR FOR THREE HOURS.
I'M JUST SITTIN' IN THE KITCHEN ON THE STOVE, JUST--
"I BET YOU THERE AIN'T *** IN THERE. I BET YOU--"
YOU KNOW THE WEED IS TOO GOOD WHEN YOU CAN'T DO NOTHIN'
BUT HIT IT AND LOOK AT IT. YOU JUST--
( inhaling, snorting ) NN-HNN NN-HNN NN-HNN.
SOMETHIN' IN THERE, ***. SOMETHING IN THERE.
WELL, WHY'S IT SPARKLIN' LIKE THAT?
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SPARKLE. WHY'S IT--
GOT TO DO SOMETHING, 'CAUSE LIFE IS TOO ***' SHORT.
Y'ALL LIVE IN THE CAPITOL CITY.
Y'ALL KNOW WHAT THE *** IS GOING ON
WITH THESE *** POLITICS. IT'S ALL ***.
ALL ***. THESE *** TELL US ***
THAT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL,
AND WE JUST GOT TO GO FOR IT. WE GOTTA--
THEY TOLD US IT'S AN ELECTORAL COLLEGE.
THAT'S INTERESTING. I BEEN ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY
AND I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO "INTELLECT-ORAL COLLEGE."
THEY GOT A BASKETBALL TEAM OR ANYTHING?
'CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY SEEN THESE ***--
WHAT THE *** IS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE?
THEY DONE TOLD US THIS *** AND AIN'T TOLD US WHO ON IT.
WELL, WHO IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE?
YOU CAN'T TELL US THAT?
WELL, WHO USED TO BE IN THE ***?
CAN'T TELL US THAT NEITHER. IT'S JUST ALL A MYSTERY.
NO-- YOUR VOTES COUNT.
SEE, WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU VOTE
AND THEN YOU GIVE IT TO THE MEMBER
OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE.
I UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS,
'CAUSE I GOT KIDS. I LIVE IN A DEMOCRATIC HOUSE.
THEM *** CAN SAY THEY WANT TO EAT WHATEVER THEY WANT TO EAT FOR DINNER.
THAT DON'T MATTER, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE THEIR VOTE.
PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA-- STEAK AND ***' POTATOES IT IS.
'CAUSE I PAY THE BILLS IN THIS ***.
THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THEY DO US.
YOU LIKE THE WAY I'M LOOKING AWAY FROM THE CAMERA, YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE THAT'S-- THAT'S HOW THE AUDIENCE KNOWS.
YOU KNOW? THAT'S MY REBEL, YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE MOST COMICS BE LIKE-- WELL, ANYWAY, YEAH, WHAT I WAS DOING.
THAT'S NOT ME. YOU KNOW, I'M OFF--
I'M OFF-- EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS
JUST TO MESS UP THE AUDIO.
THESE ARE THINGS THAT I DO.
BUT, UH, WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION AGAIN?
SO THE QUESTION WAS, HAS MY FAMILY ALWAYS BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF WHAT I DID?
I MEAN, THAT'S--
I-- I GUESS YOU COULD SAY YES,
ABOUT AS MUCH AS A FAMILY WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE
OF SOMEBODY TRYIN' TO DO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU
A GUARANTEED PAYCHECK AND DOESN'T INVOLVE COLLEGE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW VERY MANY PARENTS
THAT WANT THEIR KIDS TO GROW UP AND BE COMICS.
JUST BECAUSE WE REALLY DON'T-- WE HAVEN'T BEEN TAUGHT TO BELIEVE
THAT THAT'S AN ACTUAL CAREER CHOICE.
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH SOMETHING YOU ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE UPON,
YOU KNOW, IN THE PURSUIT OF SOMETHING ELSE.
IN RETROSPECT, OF COURSE, EVERYONE'S SUPPORTIVE
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M SUCCESSFUL AT IT.
SO I THINK BASICALLY THAT'S WHAT YOUR FAMILY WANTS,
IS FOR YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL
AND, YOU KNOW, MAKE SOME MONEY AND SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY
AND NOT HAVE TO BEG FROM THEM.
AND SO IF IT WORKS OUT THAT WAY AND YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL,
THEN I THINK YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH COUNT ON FAMILY SUPPORT.
IT WAS SO ***' HIGH IN L.A.--
GAS AT $2.46.
GOD DAMN! GAS AT-- ***!
YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE GAS STATION MAKING LIFE DECISIONS.
YOU JUST AT THE PUMP, JUST-- "***, DID I EAT TODAY?
I CAN'T GET NO HALF A TANK, ***.
I GOT THREE CIGARETTES. I CAN'T GET NO--"
THIS IS ***. LIFE IS ***' SHORT.
THEY GOT COMMERCIALS ON TELEVISION WHERE THEY LIE TO US
AND TELL US THE TRUTH AT THE SAME TIME.
HOW THE *** YOU GONNA LIE AND TELL THE TRUTH?
THEY GOT COMMERCIALS SAY YOU CAN GET A BRAND-NEW EXPEDITION,
NO CREDIT, BAD CREDIT, BANKRUPT, DIVORCED,
PAROLE VIOLATION-- WHATEVER YOUR PROBLEM IS--
ON APPROVED CREDIT.
DID YOU SAY NO CREDIT, BAD CREDIT,
ON APPROVED CREDIT?
THAT'S LIKE YOU MEET A WOMAN AT THE CLUB
AND SHE TELL YOU I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME *** NEVER.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE SAME, THEN.
THEN THEY GOT COMMERCIALS FOR MEDICATION
WHERE THE SIDE EFFECT
IS WORSE THAN THE *** THAT THEY'RE CURING.
AND I DIDN'T THINK NOBODY WAS NOTICING BUT ME.
ALL I'M SAYING, IF I'M TAKING SOME *** FOR ASTHMA,
I DON'T NEED THE SIDE EFFECT TO BE SHORTNESS OF BREATH.
THAT'S WHAT THE *** I CAME TO YOU FOR.
THEY GOT SOME *** CALLED XENICAL.
NOW XENICAL IS A FAT BLOCKER.
AND IF WEIGHT IS HEAVY ON YOUR MIND,
YOU GOT TO BE EXCITED ABOUT SOME *** CALLED A FAT-BLOCKER.
'CAUSE YOU DON'T NECESSARILY WANT TO STOP EATING.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T MIND SOMETHING BLOCKING THE FAT
EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
THEY SHOW YOU THE COMMERCIAL, THEY SHOW YOU THE LADY.
SHE'S A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT.
THREE SECONDS LATER, SHE'S IN A BIKINI
RUNNING THROUGH FLOWERS,
AND YOU THINK, I WANT TO RUN THROUGH SOME FLOWERS TOO.
THEN THEY SAY, "POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS ARE..."
'CAUSE, SEE, YOU GOT TO UNDERSTAND,
IT'S XENICAL-- IT'S A FAT-BLOCKER.
YOU EXCITED, 'CAUSE YOU IMAGINE A PILL IN YOUR THROAT ALL DAY,
JUST BLOCKIN' FAT, JUST--
THEN THEY SAY THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE
GAS WITH AN OILY DISCHARGE,
DIARRHEA AND THE INABILITY TO STOP IT.
WHAT THE ***?!
GAS WITH AN OILY DISCHARGE?
IT'S ALREADY EMBARRASSING TO FART IN CHURCH AS IT IS.
NOW YOU GOT TO RUIN YOUR CLOTHES?
YOU-- ( farting sounds )
"THAT AIN'T NEVER COMIN' OUT, ***.
NO, ***, THAT'S OIL. THAT'S OIL."
WEED IS STILL ILLEGAL IN 2005.
THIS BE GETTIN'-- THIS IS ***.
WITH ALL THE TECHNOLOGY THEY GOT,
THEY COULD HAVE MADE WEED INTO A PILL BY NOW.
THEY CAN DO EVERYTHING ELSE.
THEY CAN CLONE SHEEP,
MAKE A BABY WITHOUT THE MAMA.
Y'ALL REMEMBER WHEN THE CELL PHONE FIRST CAME OUT?
WAS IT NOT THIS ***' BIG?
CAME IN A SUITCASE WITH A SHOULDER STRAP.
WE ALL REMEMBER THAT.
NOW THE CELL PHONE'S SO SMALL,
THAT BY NEXT YEAR, IT'S JUST GONNA BE A CHIP ON A ***'S TONGUE.
YOU GONNA BE SMOKIN' A CIGARETTE--
BRRING! "HELLO?
NO, ***, I GOT YOU ON THE TONGUE PHONE.
HOLD ON, I GOT ANOTHER CALL. HELLO?"
***!
THE KIDS WHO WANT TO BE COMICS--
FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD SAY,
"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?"
I MEAN, "DON'T YOU-- ARE-- ARE YOU RETARDED?"
I MEAN, GET AN EDUCATION. DO THAT,
BECAUSE THEN YOU OPEN YOURSELF UP FOR OTHER THINGS.
UH, ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU'VE MADE UP YOUR MIND
THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE A COMIC,
I WOULDN'T TALK YOU OUT OF IT. I'D JUST SAY, "BE FUNNY."
AND IT DOESN'T COUNT THAT YOU'RE FUNNY TO OTHER PEOPLE
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS AS A PROFESSION.
LIL' J.J. IS BLESSED TO HAVE PEOPLE
THAT WILL HELP HIM THROUGH THE PROCESS.
BUT AS A YOUNG COMIC,
YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO WORK AT IT.
IT'S GOTTA BE A JOB FOR YOU.
IT WAS A JOB FOR ME FROM THE BEGINNING.
AND SO THAT'S WHY I WAS ABLE TO MAKE THE TRANSITION.
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR JOB
IS TO GET THE MOST LAUGHS IN THE AMOUNT OF TIME THAT YOU'RE ALLOTTED.
SO IF YOU'RE A BEGINNING COMIC, YOU MIGHT HAVE FIVE, 10 MINUTES
TO WORK WITH ONSTAGE. BUT WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO
IS YOU'VE GOT TO CONSTANTLY BE TRYING TO
UP YOUR LAUGH-PER-MINUTE RATIO.
LIKE IT'S A JOB.
SO IT'S NOT ABOUT GOING OUT THERE FOR 10 MINUTES
AND THEN GETTING OFFSTAGE AND PEOPLE GOING, "YOU'RE FUNNY."
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. YOU'RE A COMIC.
THEN IT BECOMES ABOUT HOW FUNNY ARE YOU?
SO YOU TAKE THAT 10 MINUTES,
AND OUT OF THAT 10 MINUTES, YOU GOT FOUR GOOD LAUGHS.
OKAY, THE NEXT STEP IS TO GET SIX LAUGHS.
THEN THE NEXT STEP IS TO GET 10 LAUGHS.
THEN THE NEXT STEP IS TO GET 15 LAUGHS IN 10 MINUTES.
TO THE POINT WHERE THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOU GET OFFSTAGE. THAT'S HOW YOU GET STANDING OVATIONS.
THAT'S HOW PEOPLE SAY, "MAN, WHY WAS HE ONLY UP THERE FOR 15 MINUTES?
WE'D HAVE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN HIM FOR 20."
THEN YOU GOT FIVE MORE MINUTES TO WORK IN.
AND SO NOW OUT OF 20 MINUTES, YOU'VE ONLY GOT 15 LAUGHS--
THAT'S A LAUGH A MINUTE. NOW YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT UP.
AND THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER AS A COMIC.
BECAUSE THERE ARE GONNA BE A LOT OF--
OF TIMES IN YOUR CAREER WHEN YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.
I MEAN THERE WERE YEARS I DIDN'T CLEAR $10,000.
SO TO GO FROM THAT TO...
MILLIONS IS-- IS A JUMP.
BUT THE JUMP DOESN'T HAPPEN
BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN OR BECAUSE YOU THINK IT SHOULD HAPPEN
OR BECAUSE ANY OF THAT.
IT HAPPENS BASED UPON WHAT YOU DID AT THAT LEVEL--
AT LEVEL A. HOW SERIOUS WERE YOU ABOUT IT THEN?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND OTHER COMICS.
THAT'S WHEN YOU BECOME A HOT COMIC,
IS WHEN YOU CAN ADAPT TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS,
TO WHEN YOU ALWAYS DELIVER THE SAME THING NO MATTER WHAT.
EVERY AUDIENCE SAYS YOU'RE FUNNY.
AND THAT'S-- YOU KNOW.
SO THAT WOULD BE MY ADVICE.
MY ADVICE WOULD BE TO TAKE IT AS SERIOUSLY AS YOU WOULD TAKE IT
IF YOU WANTED TO BE A BASKETBALL STAR.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I MEAN, I WENT OUTSIDE
BECAUSE THEY SAID THERE WAS SOME PEOPLE THAT WERE LINED UP
WHO WEREN'T GONNA GET IN. AND SO I WENT OUTSIDE
JUST TO APOLOGIZE AND SAY SOMETHING.
BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS A SMALL LINE.
AND THEN I WENT OUT THERE AND SAW THAT LINE,
- AND THERE'S ANOTHER ONE-- - THIS LINE'S GONE.
THAT'S ALL THE PREPAID PEOPLE THAT WERE OVER HERE.
THEY'VE ALREADY PAID FOR THEIR TICKETS.
THIS IS CASH-PAYING PEOPLE OVER HERE.
WE AIN'T GONNA GET THE CASH-PAYING PEOPLE
THAT CAME IN LATE.
Woman: TELL 'EM WHAT--
YOU WANNA RUN-- YOU WANT TO TRY AND RUN TWO SHOWS TOMORROW?
- I WAS THINKING-- - AND ANYBODY THAT HAD COMPLEMENTARY TICKETS,
WE CARRY THEM OVER TO TOMORROW.
WE CUT THEM OFF AT 9:30,
SAID, "COME TO TOMORROW'S SHOW."
WE MIGHT AS WELL. I DON'T LIKE ***
BE STANDING IN LINE, WAITING ON ME.
HEY, CHECK IT OUT. I KNOW ICE CUBE AND MIKE EPPS
WAS THE STARS OF "FRIDAY AFTER NEXT."
BUT ***, ME AND KATT WILLIAMS,
THE SANTA CLAUS AND THE *** ***--
WE MADE THAT MOVIE, ***.
THAT MOVIE WOULD'A BEEN A'RIGHT,
BUT IT HAD US IN IT. ME AND KATT--
AND WE ON THE ROLL, PUTTIN' IT DOWN.
EVERY TIME ME AND KATT DO A SHOW,
IT BE SOLD OUT, AND WE ALL, "WOW."
NOTHIN' BUT MONEY, ***'--
IT'A BE HOT!
MOTHER-- KATT WILLIAMS,
THAT ***-- YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE COAT THAT ***--
THAT *** GOT ON A ROTTWEILER.
( crew laughing )
HOW MANY *** YOU KNOW WITH A ROTTWEILER? AY!
DON'T LET THE MAN IN HERE NO MORE!
THERE'S NO REASON FOR US TO BELIEVE
THAT N.B.A. PLAYERS CAN'T PLAY BALL,
BUT ANYTIME YOU GET READY TO WATCH THE GAME,
BEFORE THE GAME THEY'RE WARMING UP LIKE THEY NEVER PLAYED BEFORE.
AND THEY'RE DOING LAYUPS AND THEY'RE DOING FOUL SHOTS
AND THEY'RE SHOOTING THREES AND THEY'RE DRIBBLING
AND THEY'RE PRACTICING.
AND THEY PRACTICE BETWEEN GAMES.
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE THAT SAME WORK ETHIC AS A COMIC
IF YOU INTEND FOR IT TO PAY OFF
THE WAY YOU NEED IT TO.
IT'S YOUR JOB TO TRY TO GET TO ANOTHER LEVEL OF COMEDY.
AND THAT'S WHAT THE HARD PART IS,
IS TAKING IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF COMEDY.
JUST GOTTA BE CAREFUL.
I'M TALKING TO REAL *** NOW.
'CAUSE THERE'S NOT A LOT OF REAL *** LEFT.
THERE'S SO MANY FAKE ***-- SO MANY FAKE ***-*** ***
THAT NOW IT'S ALMOST BECOMING WARFARE NOW.
REAL *** GOT TO START STICKING TOGETHER
'CAUSE THE *** *** ARE TAKING OVER.
AND I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING, WELL, HOW DO I KNOW
WHEN THE *** *** IS ON SITE?
YOU SEE, A *** *** DON'T-- HE DON'T RESPECT THE GAME.
HE DON'T RESPECT THE STRUGGLE.
THESE *** DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE.
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE A BALLER THE DIFFICULT WAY.
THESE *** WANT TO BE A BALLER OVERNIGHT.
JUST, I WAKE UP AND I'M DOING IT.
I SAW SOME *** IN D.C. TODAY
THAT HURT MY SPIRIT AS A ***.
AND I'M HOPING THAT THE *** I'M FIT TO TALKIN' ABOUT
IS IN THIS *** SO I CAN TALK ABOUT HIM PERSONALLY.
Y'ALL NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.
I'M IN A LIMO AND--
I'M IN-- I'M IN THE BACK
AND WE STOP AT A LIGHT. AND IN MY PERIPHERAL...
I SEE SOME *** LOOKING CONFUSED.
IT MEAN OUT A ***'S SIDE VISION.
OUT THE SIDE VISION. THERE'S A *** IN THE BACK THOUGHT IT WAS A CAR.
"THAT *** GOT A PERIFREAL?!
( exhaling )
THEY DON'T EVEN COME OUT TILL 2006!"
SO IN MY PERIPHERAL,
I SAW A *** TODAY...
I SAW A *** WITH SPINNER HUBCAPS.
WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!
THAT *** DIDN'T EVEN SPIN ON THEIR OWN.
THIS *** HAD TO GET OUT THE CAR AND SPIN THEM *** MANUALLY.
THIS IS ***!
JUST SAYIN' LIFE IS SHORT.
I'M IN HOLLYWOOD, I'M FINDING OUT
MOST OF THE *** IN HOLLYWOOD AIN'T EVEN REAL.
SOME THINGS ARE REAL, BUT SOME *** AIN'T REAL.
I MET D.M.X. TWO MONTHS AGO.
THIS ***--
THIS *** IS TWO INCHES TALLER THAN ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT *** WAS 6'12 OR SOMETHIN'.
THAT *** IS MY SIZE.
AND HE REALLY TALK LIKE THAT. WE IN A RESTAURANT--
"HEY YO, ***!
LET ME GET SOME WATER AND SOME LEMON!"
"***, WHY ARE YOU HOLLERIN'?
WE IN A RESTAURANT. DON'T NOBODY HOLLER LIKE THAT
AT A RESTAURANT."
YOU KNOW THAT *** WASN'T *** IN SCHOOL.
COULDN'T CHEAT AT ALL-- THAT, "HEY YO, ***!
WHAT'S THE ANSWER TO #7? RUFF ARF ARF!"
JUST-- "***, YOU NEED TO BE IN A SPECIAL CLASS.
WHAT THE *** IS WRONG?"
SO I'M IN L.A. AND I'M HANGING OUT WITH--
I FOUND OUT ALL WEED SMOKERS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL.
THERE ARE TWO TYPE OF WEED SMOKERS, ***.
THERE ARE PROFESSIONALS
AND THEN THERE ARE RECREATIONAL SMOKERS.
AMATEUR, IF YOU WILL.
I'M *** AROUND WITH SNOOP. THIS *** IS A PROFESSIONAL.
THIS *** LOVE WEED LIKE MOST *** LOVE JESUS.
I'M TALKING ABOUT HE'S A PROFESSIONAL.
WE DOIN' "THE TRACY MORGAN SHOW."
THIS *** SAY, "WHEN WE TAKE OUR BREAK,
WE ALL GO TO MY DRESSING ROOM AND HIT SOME WEED."
NOW OUT OF THAT CONVERSATION, I TOOK THREE WORDS--
"HIT SOME WEED." "OKAY, ***,
AIN'T NOBODY SCARED TO HIT SOME WEED.
I DONE HIT WEED ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, ***."
SO I GO IN THE DRESSING ROOM. IT'S ME, SNOOP, HIS TWO ***.
I WATCH HIM ROLL IT UP, PUT IT IN ROTATION.
( inhaling )
( exhaling )
AFTER ABOUT THREE AND FOUR-QUARTER MINUTES...
I START NOTICING THAT I AM HIGHER
THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I DON'T MEAN COOL HIGH.
I'M TALKING HIGH-HIGH-HIGH HIGH HIGH.
WHERE I'M LOOKING DOWN AT SATELLITES
AND MY MAMA'S HOUSE AND IVERSON MALL
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS HIGH, JESUS.
AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE ***
I COULD GET THIS HIGH
IN THREE AND FOUR-QUARTER MINUTES.
AND I LOOK UP AND THESE NASTY NO-GOOD ***
HAVE LIT FIVE BLUNTS AND THEY ARE ALL IN ROTATION
AT THE SAME ***' TIME.
WE'RE IN THAT *** LOOKIN' LIKE A GHETTO TRACK MEET.
***!
HOW HIGH ARE WE TRYIN' TO BE?!
AND I SWEAR 'FORE GOD,
THESE *** PUT THE BLUNT OUT AND WE'RE RIGHT BACK ON THE SHOW
LIKE AIN'T NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
MEANWHILE, I'M IN THE BATHROOM
TRYIN' TO REMEMBER WHAT ***' SHOW I'M ON.
I'M JUST, "***, ***!
AM I GARY COLEMAN? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY?!"
IT'S AN EMOTIONAL JOB.
UM...
THE PREPARATION HAPPENS LONG BEFORE.
THE PREPARATION IS IN WORKING ON THE JOKES
AND DOING THE JOKES BEFORE, YOU KNOW, YOU GET THERE
AND WORKING OUT NEW CONCEPTS.
I MEAN, AT THIS LEVEL OF COMEDY WHERE I'M AT NOW,
YOU KNOW, I KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY BEFORE I GO ONSTAGE.
- SO IT'S-- - ( cell phone ringing )
OH, THAT'S PROFESSIONAL. ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE.
UH, IT'S--
IT-- IT'S...
THE PREPARATION HAPPENS NOW
WHERE I'M WATCHING THE NEWS. THAT'S MY PREPARATION.
SO I HAVE TO WATCH THE NEWS EVERY DAY
AND I'LL PICK OUT PIECES OF THE CURRENT NEWS
OR READ THE "U.S.A. TODAY"
AND PICK OUT ARTICLES THAT ARE TOPICAL AND FUNNY.
AND I WILL WRITE THOSE IN MY HEAD.
AND THEN THE PREPARATION ON SHOW NIGHT
IS BASICALLY JUST-- JUST VERY QUIET.
JUST TO TRY NOT TO HAVE A LOT OF STRESS
IN MY HEAD-- TRY NOT TO ANSWER THE PHONES
PRIOR TO ME BEING ONSTAGE,
AND, YOU KNOW, LISTENING TO THE MUSIC THAT GETS ME IN THE MOOD
I NEED TO BE IN, HAVE A DRINK,
A COUPLE CIGARETTES.
JUST, YOU KNOW-- JUST GETTING ME WHERE I NEED TO BE.
BECAUSE THE REST OF IT IS--
THE REST OF IT IS PRETTY CONSISTENT.
ALL COMEDY AUDIENCES ARE DIFFERENT.
BUT THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. THEY ALL WANT THE SAME THING.
THEY ALWAYS WANT YOU TO BE FUNNY.
THE DIFFICULTY IS MAKING SURE THAT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
DOESN'T BLEED INTO YOUR PROFESSION.
BECAUSE YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
SO YOU CAN BE EFFECTED BY HOW YOU FEEL.
AND NOBODY PAYS FOR THAT.
NOBODY GIVES A *** IF YOUR GRANDFATHER JUST DIED THAT MORNING.
YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE THEM LAUGH.
SO YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO KEEP AS MUCH
OF YOUR EMOTIONAL STRUCTURE IN CHECK
AS POSSIBLE.
Man: ARE THERE ANY, LIKE, RITUALS YOU GO THROUGH
IN TERMS OF PREPARING YOURSELF OR GETTING READY PRE-SHOW?
YEAH, I HAVE TO *** BEFORE EVERY SHOW.
- EVEN IF I HAVE THREE SHOWS A NIGHT. - Woman: OH MY GOD.
I HAVE TO *** BEFORE EACH INDIVIDUAL SHOW.
JUST 'CAUSE I CAN'T HAVE A THING IN MY STOMACH.
SO I DON'T EAT LIKE AN HOUR BEFORE--
AN HOUR BEFORE A SHOW, I DON'T EAT.
I DON'T EAT TWO HOURS BEFORE A SHOW.
IF I'M GONNA HAVE TWO SHOWS, I JUST DON'T EAT
IN THAT WHOLE-- I'LL GO 10 HOURS WITHOUT EATING.
- JUST BECAUSE-- - THE LIMO PULLED UP.
--I CAN'T EAT. I'LL HAVE ME A GIN AND TONIC.
THAT'S ANOTHER PART OF THE RITUAL.
AND I'LL LISTEN TO MY iPOD.
I GOT A LITTLE PLAYLIST THAT'S SPECIFICALLY
FOR COMEDY SHOWS.
YOU WANT TO LOOK THIS WAY
BECAUSE IT'S COMFORTABLE FOR YOU
AND THEY WANT YOU TO LOOK THAT WAY--
JUST SAY NO, YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE POWER IN LIFE,
IS THE POWER OF CHOICE. AND PEOPLE--
PEOPLE SAY THINGS TO YOU LIKE, "THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX."
AND, YOU KNOW, "DO YOUR OWN THING."
YOU KNOW, "BE YOU," IS WHAT THEY SAY.
"DO-- DO YOU."
UH, BUT THEY DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS, "DO WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO
AND THEN DO YOU IF IT DOESN'T AFFECT US."
YOU KNOW? SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
JUST SAYIN' LIFE IS CRAZY.
GOT TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
STOP TRYIN' TO KEEP UP WITH OTHER ***.
YOU GONNA HAVE A HARD ENOUGH TIME LIVING YOUR OWN ***' LIFE.
'CAUSE THESE *** MAKE DECISIONS-- THEY BEEN TRAINING US LIKE THIS.
WHEN WE WAS KIDS, THEY USED TO LIE TO US.
I HAVE A DISEASE-- I'M ALLERGIC TO STUPID ***.
NOW IF YOU'VE GOT THE SAME DISEASE,
YOU KNOW IT DON'T START WHEN YOU AN ADULT.
IT START WHEN YOU A CHILD.
I REMEMBER BEIN' IN SCHOOL
AND TEACHER SAYIN', "KATT, STAND UP."
"***, I AM STANDING UP."
I HATE HER SO MUCH. I REALLY DO, FAT JOE.
SHE SAYS, "SPELL KITCHEN."
SO I SOUNDED THAT *** OUT
AS I HAD BEEN INSTRUCTED TO DO.
KIT-CHEN. KIT-CHEN.
K-I-T-- CH...
C-H-E-N.
SHE SAID, "VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD. SPELL KNIFE."
NOW ONCE AGAIN, CHURCH, I SOUNDED THIS *** OUT.
"MMM.
NIFE.
MMMM.
NIFE?
N-I-F-E. NIFE."
SHE SAID, "NO NO, I'M SORRY. IT'S K-N-I-F-E."
"UM, YES, THAT WOULD BE KUH-NIFE.
KUH-NIFE!"
THIS IS WHAT SHE TOLD ME IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS.
SHE SAID, "THE K--"
YOU *** WENT TO MY SCHOOL?
SHE SAID, "THE K IS SILENT."
I SAID, "THEN TAKE THAT QUIET *** OUT THEN
'CAUSE IT'S CONFUSING ME."
RIGHT AFTER CLASS, I CUT THAT *** WITH A KUH-SPOON.
JUST WHAT THE ***?
NOW JUST IN CASE YOU THINK I'M TRIPPIN'.
WE ARE ALL ADULTS NOW.
CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE PURPOSE
OF THE SILENT LETTER?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ABLE TO USE ONE IN YOUR OWN PERSONAL LIFE?
"MY NAME IS BOB. THAT'S B-K-O-B"?
"NO, ***, YOUR NAME IS BUH-KOB.
IT'S RIGHT THERE-- BUH-KOB. IT'S..."
THERE'S SOME *** REALLY THINKING ABOUT IT--
DAMN SURE IS.
MATH WAS MY FAVORITE SUBJECT
BECAUSE EVERYTHING THE *** SAID, I COULD VERIFY.
SHE SAID, "TWO AND TWO IS FOUR."
DAMN SURE IS.
ALL THE TIME, ***. ALL THE TIME.
THEN ONE DAY THIS *** JUST FLIPPED THE SCRIPT.
"THREE X PLUS Y EQUALS WHAT?"
"DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME OF THEM WAS LETTERS?
YES, ***, THAT'S FOR WORDS AND SENTENCES.
YOU DID THAT LAST MONTH."
BUT THAT'S HOW THEY TAUGHT US.
TO ACCEPT *** THAT DON'T MAKE NO ***' SENSE.
AND THAT'S HOW THEY TREAT US NOW.
TELLIN' US STUPID *** LIKE WE GOIN' OVER THERE
'CAUSE WE WANT IRAQ TO BE FREE.
NO NO, BABY.
JUST TELL *** THE TRUTH.
WE ***. WE LIKE THE TRUTH.
PRESIDENT BUSH COULD HAVE CAME OUT AND JUST TOLD *** THE TRUTH
AND *** WOULD HAVE BEEN BEHIND HIM.
IF HE'D JUST COME OUT AND BEEN LIKE,
"LOOK, WAIT A MINUTE.
THESE *** GOT ALL THE OIL
AND THEY AIN'T SHARIN' IT.
SO WE GONNA GO OVER THERE AND KILL 'EM ALL.
TAKE THEIR OIL." AND *** WOULD'A BEEN--
"THIS ***'S DOING THIS FOR MY ESCALADE, ***.
WE ARE VOTIN' FOR HIM."
LIFE IS A BUSINESS OF PIMPS AND HOS.
UH, AND THAT'S-- THAT'S PUTTING IT
RIGHT WHERE IT WOULD HAVE TO BE PUT.
BECAUSE IT IS.
I MEAN, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND THAT THE ***
IS JUST THE PERSON THAT DOES LESS WORK
AND MAKES MORE MONEY
BECAUSE OF HIS MANAGEMENT DECISIONS.
AND HE IS IN A POSITION
TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE DO SOMETHING
THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO DO, BUT HE IS GOING TO FORMULATE IT
SO THAT IT CAN BE DONE, SO THAT THE MONEY CAN COME IN,
AND HE'S GONNA MANAGE IT.
AND HE'S GOING TO OVERSEE THE PRODUCTION.
NOW WHEN YOU HEAR IT LIKE THAT,
IT DOESN'T SOUND VERY MUCH LIKE THE *** AND HO SITUATION
THAT WE'RE USED TO. IT SOUNDS LIKE LIFE.
AND THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
I-- I CAN HAVE A CONSTRUCTION COMPANY
AND NEVER TOUCH A NAIL,
NEVER GET A SPLINTER, NEVER WEAR WORK BOOTS.
IT'S QUITE SIMPLE. I JUST FIND OTHER PEOPLE
THAT KNOW HOW TO PUT A HOUSE TOGETHER,
AND I GET THEM TOGETHER AND I SAY, "OKAY,
YOU DO THIS, YOU DO THAT AND YOU DO THIS.
I'LL PICK YOU GUYS UP IN A TRUCK,
I'LL DROP YOU OFF HERE,
YOU DO THIS, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET PAID,
I'LL GET PAID FIRST.
I'LL GET PAID MOST BECAUSE I'M PUTTING IT TOGETHER.
AND YOU'LL HAVE THE JOB SECURITY OF KNOWING
THAT TOMORROW YOU CAN COME OUT HERE AND WE'LL DO IT AGAIN."
WELL, WE DON'T WANT TO CALL
THAT CONSTRUCTION OWNER A ***.
THAT'S 'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO CALL THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS HOS.
BUT IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
( all chattering )
Katt: THERE-- THERE IS A JOKE EVERYWHERE.
THE POPE DYING ISN'T FUNNY.
BUT THE FACT THAT WE THOUGHT HE WAS ALREADY DEAD...
IS HILARIOUS.
THE FACT THAT YOU COULD LOOK AT HIM AND TELL
HE WANTED TO DIE.
THAT-- YOU KNOW, THAT WAS KIND OF THE THING
IS, YOU KNOW-- "I'M JESUS' RIGHT HAND.
WHY WON'T HE TAKE ME?"
HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS READY TO GO.
SO, YOU KNOW, ANY OF THOSE SUBJECTS IN REGULAR CONVERSATION
WOULDN'T BE IN GOOD TASTE.
BUT THAT'S NOT OUR JOB AS COMEDIANS.
OUR JOB IS TO TAKE THOSE PERVERSE THINGS
AND BRING OUT THE HUMOR IN THEM.
THAT'S OUR JOB.
SO THERE AREN'T ANY TABOO SUBJECTS.
I'M JUST SAYING MOST OF THE *** THAT WE THINK MATTER
DON'T EVEN MATTER, DON'T EVEN ***' MATTER.
YOU GOTTA LIVE YOUR LIFE. YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY
WITH WHATEVER THE *** YOU GOT.
STOP BEIN' SO *** YOURSELF.
IT'S THE ONLY LIFE YOU GOT. YOU DOIN' WHATEVER YOU DOIN'.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE DOIN' BETTER, BUT *** THAT.
BE HAPPY WITH WHATEVER THE *** YOU GOT.
IF YOU GOT A RAGGEDY CAR,
STOP TALKING *** ABOUT YOUR RAGGEDY CAR.
THAT'S YOUR ***.
YOU NEED TO GO HOME AND WASH THE *** OUT THAT ***.
PUT ARMOR ALL ON IT AND EVERYTHING.
THAT WAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE CLUB
AND HAVE THAT RAGGEDY-CAR CONVERSATION.
NOW WE ALL KNOW
THE RAGGEDY-CAR CONVERSATION.
SOME OF Y'ALL CAN'T LAUGH RIGHT NOW
'CAUSE YOU MIGHT NEED THAT *** LATER.
BUT WE ALL KNOW THE RAGGEDY-CAR CONVERSATION.
YOU LEAVE THE CLUB, YOU JUST...
"I DON'T NEED NO ***. I DON'T NEED NO ***."
YOU *** AROUND AND CRANK THAT ***,
YOU HEAR... ( car stalling sounds )
NOW YOU GOT TO ACT LIKE YOU AIN'T READY TO LEAVE THE CLUB.
"WHAT Y'ALL *** DOIN'? WHAT Y'ALL *** DOIN'?
I'M-A--
I'M'A HANG OUT WITH FAT JOE FOR A SECOND.
I DON'T KNOW..."
JUST SAYIN', YOU GOT TO BE HAPPY
WHATEVER THE *** YOU GOT IN YOUR LIFE.
WHERE'S ALL THE MARRIED PEOPLE? LET ME HEAR THE MARRIED PEOPLE ONE TIME.
- ( scattered applause ) - YES. NOW...
DID YOU HEAR HOW DEPRESSING THAT *** SOUNDED?
WHO THE *** WOULD WANT TO BE MARRIED
WITH YOU *** CLAPPIN' LIKE THAT?
LIKE SOMEBODY GOT YOU AT GUNPOINT?
YOU--
IF YOU DONE FOUND SOMEBODY TO BE WITH YOUR ***
EVERY *** DAY, YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT ***.
LIFE IS ***' HARD.
LOOK, OKAY, WHO BEEN MARRIED A LONG TIME?
WHO BEEN-- HOW LONG, SIR?
- 15 YEARS. - GOD DAMN IT.
15-- ***!
15 YEARS OF *** LOVE! THAT'S SOME BEAUTIFUL--
SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL IT IS THAT YOU DONE FOUND SOMEBODY
TO WALK WITH YOU EVERY *** DAY.
JUST EVERY ***' DAY.
JUST EVERY TIME YOU WAKE UP, JUST-- "YOU AGAIN?!
***!
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A VACATION OR SOME ***?"
BUT THAT'S SOME BEAUTIFUL ***.
YOU BEEN MARRIED 15 YEARS,
YOU DON'T EVEN GET IN ARGUMENTS LIKE MOST COUPLES.
AT 15 YEARS, THEY CAN READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS.
SOMETIMES SHE JUST BE LOOKIN' AT HIM--
"JUST LOOK AT THIS NASTY ***. LOOK AT HIM.
HE GONNA SMELL THAT SHIRT. IT SMELL LIKE YESTERDAY, ***!
PUT IT ON. I DON'T GIVE A *** ANYWAY."
HE BE LOOKIN' AT HER SOMETIMES-- "SHE GONNA ASK ME
DO SHE LOOK FAT IN THAT? I'M--
I'M JUST GONNA GO ON AND TELL HER--
I SEE YOU NAKED!
STOP BLAMING IT ON THE PANTS."
BUT THAT'S SOME BEAUTIFUL ***.
YOU DONE FOUND SOMEBODY STICK WITH YOU EVERY DAY.
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING, MARRIED PEOPLE.
WATCH THIS. SINGLE PEOPLE, MAKE SOME ***' NOISE.
( loud applause )
NOW DID YOU HEAR HOW EXCITING THAT SOUNDED?
I KNOW THAT MARRIED COUPLES HAD A FLASHBACK
TO WHEN YOU TOO WAS HAPPIER THAN A ***.
THAT-- WHOOOO!
'CAUSE THE SINGLE PEOPLE, WE ALWAYS ACT LIKE WE THE ***.
AND WE ARE. WE REALLY ARE.
WE THE *** AS LONG AS WE OUT.
WE QUICK TO TELL A ***--
"WHEN YOU GOIN' HOME?" "WHEN THE *** I WANT TO GO HOME.
I'M SINGLE, FREE TO ***' MINGLE."
THAT IS TILL YOU GET HOME IN THAT LONELY-*** KITCHEN.
YOU--
"WHY WON'T YOU SEND ME SOMEBODY, JESUS?!"
I'M JUST SAYIN' BE HAPPY WITH WHATEVER THE *** YOU GOT IN YOUR LIFE.
ALL COMEDY COMES FROM A DARK PLACE.
NONE OF IT IS THE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, "HEY."
THAT-- THOSE AREN'T COMEDIANS.
THOSE ARE FUNNY PEOPLE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
A COMIC IS A GUY WHO IS, FIRST OF ALL, CYNICAL.
AND HE'S CYNICAL-- HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING.
HE DOESN'T TRUST ANYTHING.
AND HE DOESN'T FEEL
LIKE OTHER PEOPLE ARE AS SMART AS HE IS.
IT TAKES ALL OF THAT FOR YOU TO DO THE JOB.
BECAUSE IF YOU DID BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE WERE AS SMART AS YOU,
THEN YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY NEEDED YOU TO TALK TO THEM, #1.
#2, YOU'D HAVE TO BE SMARTER THAN AVERAGE
TO GET THE TYPE OF INFORMATION THAT YOU GET AS A COMIC
AND BE ABLE TO "DISSEMATE" IT TO THE PEOPLE.
SO ALL OF THESE DARK THINGS ARE-- ARE THERE.
AND COMEDY-- COMEDIANS ARE BORN OUT OF THAT DARKNESS,
OUT OF-- OUT OF THE FACT THAT
COMEDY WAS A TOOL FOR THEM
IN THEIR CHILDHOOD TO USE AS A WEAPON
OR AS A DEFENSE.
BUT ALL OF IT IS DARK.
ALL-- ALL OF THE COMEDY IS DARK.
UM, IT'S JUST--
IT'S JUST A GOOD THING TO BE ABLE TO COME FROM THAT DARK
AND MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING GOOD.
BUT, YOU KNOW, INEVITABLY, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL TRYING TO DO WITH OUR LIFE.
THAT-- THAT'S THE WHOLE JAY-Z STORY.
IT'S THE FACT THAT HE COULD COME FROM LITERALLY SELLING DRUGS
TO OWNING THREE COMPANIES AND BEING WORTH MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
THAT'S-- THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM
IS TO COME FROM DARK AND MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING GOOD.
THERE ARE COMICS THAT DON'T FIT INTO THAT CRITERIA
BUT THEY'RE *** COMICS.
THOSE ARE-- THOSE ARE RUN-OF-THE-MILL COMICS.
HOLD ON, LET ME CHECK, SEE HOW MUCH TIME I GOT
BEFORE I GET BESIDE MYSELF.
OKAY.
SINCE IT'S CLOSE TO VALENTINE'S DAY,
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
AND LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE
TO ALL THE SINGLE MOTHERS IN ATTENDANCE TODAY.
IT'S A VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD JOB
THAT SINGLE MOTHERS HAVE.
I KNOW WHAT THE *** I'M TALKING ABOUT. I'M A SINGLE FATHER.
I DONE HAVE MY SON SINCE HE WAS NINE MONTHS OLD.
THIS *** IS NINE NOW. THIS IS NOT AN EASY JOB, ***.
YOU GOT TO RESPECT SINGLE ***' PARENTS.
ALL I'M SAYING IS THERE'S MORE TO IT
THAN JUST BEING AT THE MALL DRESSED ALIKE.
THERE'S A LOT MORE TO IT.
MIKE KNOW, 'CAUSE HE GOT KIDS, BUT I'M TELLING YOU
RAISING KIDS AIN'T NO ***' JOKE.
MY SON WAKE UP AT 6:00 EVERY ***' MORNING.
HE DON'T GIVE A *** ABOUT HOLIDAYS, WEEKENDS,
WEEKDAYS, MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY,
WHAT TIME DADDY GOT HOME-- NOTHING.
AND NOT ONLY IS THIS *** UP BEFORE JESUS,
HE AIN'T GOT NO JOB, HE AIN'T GOT NO BILLS,
HE AIN'T GOT NO STRESS. SO NOT ONLY IS HE UP BEFORE GOD AND THE MEXICANS,
HE IS HAPPIER THAN A *** FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
JUST EVERY MORNIN'-- JUST-- "GOOD MORNIN', DADDY!
TIME FOR SOME CEREAL!" "***!"
I DONE PUT THAT *** TO BED AT 5:55.
AT 6:00-- "GOOD MORNIN', DADDY!
TIME FOR SOME CEREAL!"
IF YOU GOT YOUNG KIDS, JUST TAKE MY ADVICE
AND BE HAPPY WITH WHATEVER YOUR CHILD IS DOING.
BECAUSE AS PARENTS, WE ALWAYS WANT OUR KIDS
TO BE DOING SOME *** THEY AIN'T DOIN'.
LIKE WHEN MY SON COULDN'T TALK.
ALL THE *** I WANTED HIM TO DO WAS TO TALK.
DIDN'T NOBODY TELL ME THAT ONCE THIS *** STARTED TALKING,
HE WOULD BE QUALIFIED TO ASK ME
500 ***' QUESTIONS
BACK TO ***' BACK
WHILE WE WAIT AT A STOP LIGHT.
THIS *** JUST IN THE CAR-- JUST--
"WHY IS A McDONALD'S SIGN YELLOW, DADDY?
WHAT PART OF THE CHICKEN IS A CHICKEN NUGGET, DADDY?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN BARBEQUE AND HOT SAUCE?
IS BARBEQUE SAUCE JUST SWEET AND TANGY
AND HOT SAUCE AIN'T TANGY?
WHAT IS TANGY, DADDY? IS THAT SOUR BUT IT AIN'T QUITE SOUR?
WHY YOU CRYIN', DADDY? WHY YOU CRYIN'?"
"I DON'T KNOW ***!"
THAT'S MY ***' ***, THOUGH.
BUT ONCE AGAIN,
WHEN IT COMES TO HANDLIN' YOUR KIDS,
IT COMES TO BEING A *** IN YOUR HEAD.
SEE, I'M A ***.
NOT BECAUSE I PUT WOMEN ON THE STREET--
I THINK ***, THEREFORE I AM.
I SEE SOME *** WRITING IT DOWN-- FEEL FREE.
BEIN' A *** JUST MEANS AIN'T NOBODY IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE BUT YOU.
MY SON DON'T RUN MY HOUSE 'CAUSE HE'S MY SON.
HE'S A CHILD.
HOW THE *** A CHILD GONNA RUN PIMPIN'?
BUT I TALK TO THIS *** LIKE HE GOT SENSE.
I AM A FAN OF ALL GENIUSES AND ALL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE.
I'M A FAN OF WHAT THEY DO, I'M NOT SO MUCH A FAN OF THEM.
'CAUSE I UNDERSTAND
THAT PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.
AND-- AND YOU RUN INTO A PROBLEM
WHEN YOU START PUTTING PEOPLE UP THERE
AND THEM AS PEOPLE-- THIS PERSON IS SO GREAT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW--
THEN IT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE TO GO ALONG
WITH THE OTHER THINGS THEY DO THAT YOU DON'T GO ALONG WITH.
CASE IN POINT, IF I WAS A YOUNG SINGER,
I WOULD KNOW FOR A FACT THAT R. KELLY WAS A GENIUS
BECAUSE HE IS.
AND I WOULD KNOW THAT HE'S MUSICALLY ON A LEVEL
THAT VERY FEW ARTISTS ARE ON.
BUT I WOULD WANT TO BE A FAN OF R. KELLY'S WORK.
THAT WAY IF A TAPE CAME OUT AND I SAW HIM HAVING SEX
WITH LITTLE GIRLS,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE UP MY OPINION OF R. KELLY
'CAUSE I DIDN'T PUT THAT ON HIM.
SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T PUT THAT-- I DON'T PUT THAT ON PEOPLE.
I'M A FAN OF OPRAH'S WORK
AND MICHAEL JORDON'S WORK
AND COLDPLAY'S WORK
AND ICE CUBE'S WORK.
AND I'M A FAN OF WHAT PEOPLE DO
AS FAR AS BEING SUCCESSFUL AND BEING HAPPY.
BUT THAT'S LIMITLESS. YOU KNOW?
AND THAT-- IF YOU START LOOKING AT IT LIKE THAT,
THEN YOU'LL FIND THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE YOUR MENTORS.
YOU KNOW, I GO-- I GOT TO SPECIAL OLYMPICS
AND CRY MY EYES OUT AND WALK AWAY INSPIRED BY IT.
AND THOSE ARE MY MENTORS.
JUST TO SEE AND DO WITH ONE LEG,
TRAIN ALL THROUGH THE YEAR TO RACE
AND COME IN LAST PLACE, AND BE HAPPY AS ***,
LIKE HE WON THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP.
HE'S GOT ONE LEG.
HOW DO YOU GET UP OUT OF THE BED WITH ONE LEG
TO GO TRAIN TO RUN A RACE? WITH ONE LEG?
SO IT'S THOSE TYPE OF THINGS--
THAT'S WHAT ***' MATTERS TO ME
IS WHAT PEOPLE-- WHAT PEOPLE DO.
WHAT THEIR-- PEOPLE THAT ARE MOTIVATED,
PEOPLE THAT DON'T ***' QUIT.
PEOPLE THAT, YOU KNOW, DO THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO
UNDER AMAZING CIRCUMSTANCES.
I'M GONNA KEEP WALKING AROUND.
YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME WHERE I'M GOING.
WHY-- WHAT KIND OF COMEDY SHOW IS THIS?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M MAKING IN-STORE APPEARANCES
AT LOWE'S, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
JUAN, WHERE AM I GOING AGAIN?
WHY AM I DOWN HERE?
WE GOT YOU UH, TWO HOOKERS AND--
SO HOW MANY TICKETS YOU NEED?
I WANT TO GET ONE FOR MY MANAGER.
OKAY. YOU WANT TO SIT TOGETHER?
- IS IT A GIRL? - NO, I WANT TO GO-- I'LL GO WITH MY WIFE.
YOU'LL GO WITH YOUR WIFE. THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
ONE, TWO-- YOU GOT ANY FRIENDS?
- YEAH, GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS. - OKAY, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
( both laughing )
- OH, THAT'S FANTASTIC. - HERE, SIGN.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE IN BLACK COMEDY AUDIENCES
AND WHITE COMEDY AUDIENCES.
AND THEY'RE NOT THE SAME.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, AS A CIVILIAN
OR A LAYPERSON, YOU WOULD THINK THAT, YOU KNOW,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
BUT THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
THE WHITE AUDIENCE IS MORE LAID BACK
WHEN IT COMES TO COMEDY.
AND THEY'LL ALLOW YOU TO SET UP YOUR JOKES BETTER
AND DO TAGS, SETUPS, CALLBACKS,
AND TAKE YOUR TIME WITH IT.
AND THE BLACK AUDIENCE IS USED TO A DIFFERENT BRAND OF COMEDY--
IN-YOUR-FACE, RAPID FIRE, TYPE OF COMEDY.
AND SO IF YOU CAN FIND A MIX
IN BETWEEN THOSE TWO STYLES, THAT'S IMPORTANT.
BUT YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO DO SOME THINGS
THAT APPEAL TO ALL PEOPLE.
THAT'S ON JUST A COMEDIC LEVEL.
UH, ON THE FINANCIAL LEVEL,
BLACK PEOPLE ARE ABOUT 14% OF THE POPULATION.
SO IF-- YOU DON'T WANT TO MAKE 14% YOUR CORE.
I MEAN, YOU CAN'T REALLY AFFORD FINANCIALLY
TO DO THAT FOR--
I MEAN, IF ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE LIKED YOU,
THEN THAT MEANS YOU'VE ONLY APPEALED TO 14% OF THE POPULATION.
WHITE PEOPLE, WE LOVE YOU,
BUT THERE'S CERTAIN *** Y'ALL GOT TO STOP DOING, WHITE PEOPLE.
YOU-- YOU GOT TO STOP PUTTING THEM LITTLE BLUE LEASHES ON YOUR CHILDREN.
THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST ENTERTAINMENT FOR ***.
THAT JUST-- IT JUST IS.
THAT'S WHY YOUR CHILDREN GROW UP AND KILL EVERYBODY IN THE ***' SCHOOL.
'CAUSE YOU DONE TREATED 'EM LIKE A GERMAN SHEPHERD SINCE THEY WAS A BABY.
JUST-- THEY JUST IN THE STORE, JUST-- "OH, I WANT THAT!
I WANT THAT!"
AND BLACK PARENTS ARE HERE LAUGHING
LIKE WE KNOW WHAT THE *** TO DO WITH OUR CHILDREN.
WE GOT TO STOP BEATING OUR CHILDREN IN THE *** STORE.
SOON AS THE BABY TOUCH SOME SKITTLES,
YOU-- "WHAT THE *** DID I--!"
GOT TO STOP BEATING THAT BABY. THAT'S A TODDLER!
CAN'T BEAT NO TODDLER LIKE THAT.
ME AND MY SON HAVE REAL CONVERSATIONS.
THAT *** CAME TO ME A FEW MONTHS AGO,
HE SAID, "DADDY, I WANT AN XBOX."
I SAID, "ALL RIGHT. SIT HERE, PIMPIN', LET ME TALK TO YOU.
NOW THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND
IS THE XBOX IS $199.99.
NOW DADDY CAN DO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY, NO PROBLEM.
BUT I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND IT ONLY COME WITH ONE CONTROLLER.
THAT MEANS DADDY CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU,
YOUR FRIENDS CAN'T PLAY WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST YOU. THAT MEANS I GOT TO BUY ANOTHER CONTROLLER
AT $34.95. NOW DADDY CAN DO THIS
ALL DAY EVERY DAY, NO PROBLEM.
BUT I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND, IT ONLY COME WITH ONE GAME.
YOU GONNA BE THROUGH WITH THAT MMOTHERFUCKER TONIGHT.
THAT MEANS I GOT TO BUY FOUR OR FIVE OTHER GAMES
AT $45 TO $55 A PIECE.
NOW DADDY CAN DO THIS ALL DAY EVERY DAY, NO PROBLEM.
OR I CAN LOOK IN THE NEWSPAPER
UNDER THE CLASSIFIED SECTION
AND I CAN GET YOU WHAT'S KNOWN AS A NINTENDO 64.
NOW IT'S NOT GONNA BE NEW,
BUT IT'S GONNA COME WITH, LIKE, 20 GAMES
THAT OTHER KIDS HAVE ALREADY OPENED AND PLAYED WITH
TO MAKE SURE IT'S FUN.
THEN ME AND YOU GOT, LIKE, $300 LEFTOVER.
WE CAN GO ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, STOPPIN' ICE-CREAM TRUCKS,
BUY SIX NUGGETS, DON'T EAT SIX, EAT THREE,
THROW THE OTHER THREE OUT THE WINDOW 'CAUSE WE DON'T GIVE A ***
'CAUSE WE GOT MONEY LIKE THAT."
AND THAT *** SAT RIGHT THERE, MAKE A *** DECISION--
HE JUST...
"YOU SAY 20 GAMES?
WELL, WE JUST GO ON AND GET THE NINTENDO THEN, DADDY."
"THAT'S MY ***' ***, MAKE A *** DECISION."
LIFE IS CHANGE.
AND YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY STUFF
LIKE, "DON'T LET THE MONEY CHANGE YOU.
DON'T LET FAME CHANGE YOU."
BUT THAT'S-- YOU KNOW,
THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO BE CHANGED.
I'M TRYING TO BE CHANGED BY ALL-NEW CIRCUMSTANCES.
SO IT WOULD BE-- IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS
FOR ME TO GET MONEY AND FAME AND NOT CHANGE.
BECAUSE OTHERWISE, WHAT WAS THE POINT?
IF I WAS GOING TO STAY THE SAME, I COULD HAVE STAYED IN THE SAME POSITION.
THE GOAL IS TO CHANGE.
I WANT TO BE CHANGED.
I WANT TO MAKE SOME MORE MONEY AND CHANGE MORE.
I WANT TO GET MORE FAMOUS AND CHANGE MORE.
THAT'S-- THAT'S THE GOAL.
GOD AND I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. WE HAVE A PLAN.
UM, AND WE WORK TOGETHER.
AND HE KNOWS--
HE KNOWS WHAT I'M GOOD AT AND WHAT I'M NOT GOOD AT.
YOU KNOW, HE KNOWS THAT HE CAN TRUST ME
ON A LOT OF LEVELS.
HE CAN TRUST WHAT I'M GONNA DO IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES.
HE ALSO KNOWS SEXUALLY I CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT ALL,
AND SO I DON'T PUT THAT AS--
AS ONE OF THE PARTS OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
THERE'S A LOT ABOUT GOD THAT HE DOESN'T LET ME KNOW ABOUT.
AND THAT PART, I CHOOSE TO LET HIM IGNORE.
AND I HOPE THAT IT WORKS THAT WAY.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I--
I DO WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING FOR CENTURIES,
WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO BE GOOD.
YOU TRY. YOU TRY TO BE GOOD.
YOU TRY TO DO AS MUCH GOOD AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO.
AND THAT'S WHAT I TRY TO DO.
AND GOD HAS-- HAS HELPED ME ALL THROUGH MY LIFE
AND I CAN LOOK BACK ON IT NOW
AND I CAN SEE THE TIMES THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE AND DIDN'T DIE.
SO, YOU KNOW, I'M APPRECIATIVE TO HIM FOR THAT.
AND I MAKE AN EFFORT TO DO THINGS
JUST TO LET HIM KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE HIM.
SAME AS I WOULD DO
WITH ANYBODY THAT HAD THAT POSITION IN MY LIFE.
I OWE HIM.
SO AS I GET OLDER, I DON'T ASK HIM FOR MUCH.
I DON'T ASK HIM TO PLEASE LET ME GET THIS MOVIE PART.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, MOVIE PARTS COME AND GO.
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE IT ON THAT.
I SMOKE CIGARETTES, SO I GOT TO TRY TO HOLD MY ACES.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY,
"HEY, MAN, I CAN'T REALLY HAVE LUNG CANCER RIGHT NOW."
SO-- AND HOPE IT WORKS OUT.
WHEN THE NEW JORDANS COME OUT,
I TAKE THAT *** TO FOOT LOCKER WITH THE REST OF THE CHILDREN
AND LET HIM TRY 'EM ON.
"NO, THEY TIGHT. THEY'RE TIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR. I WANT YOU TO RUN DOWN THIS AISLE REAL QUICK.
I'M GONNA TIME YOU.
ON YOUR MARKS! GET SET! GO!
FIVE SECONDS. FIVE SECONDS. THAT WAS GOOD, THAT WAS GOOD.
TAKE 'EM OFF. TAKE THEM OFF.
COME WITH DADDY TO PAYLESS. I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
NOW PUT THE BATMANS ON. PUT THE BATMANS ON.
MAKE SURE THE VELCRO IS TIGHT. MAKE SURE THE VELCRO IS TIGHT.
ON YOUR MARK!
GET SET!
GO!
THREE SECONDS. THREE SECONDS.
ALL I'M SAYIN' IS YOU'RE FASTER WITH THE BATMANS.
NOW COME HERE.
SIT RIGHT HERE, PIMPIN', AND LET DADDY HOLLER AT YOU.
NOW...
IF YOU WANT THE JORDANS,
DADDY CAN GET YOU THE JORDANS ALL DAY EVERY DAY,
NO PROBLEM.
BUT FOR THE SAME PRICE AS THE JORDANS,
YOU CAN GET THE BATMANS, THE ROBINS,
THE POKEMONS, THE DIGIMONS.
YOU CAN GET-- THESE DON'T HAVE NO NAME, BUT THEY LIGHT UP
EVERY TIME YOU WALK, JUST EVERY STEP YOU TAKE.
THAT *** BLING BLING OUT THE STORE.
HE JUST--
Y'ALL BEEN ALL THAT. I'M KATT, THANKS FOR THE TIME.
M.C.: LET HIM HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME.
I PLAN TO GROW OLD. I PLAN TO DIE.
THAT'S BASICALLY WHERE IT COMES OUT TO.
FUTURE PLANS OTHERWISE
ARE, YOU KNOW-- I GOT A LOT OF FUTURE PLANS.
VERY FEW OF THEM HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS,
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW? AND I KNOW THAT'S A COMMON QUESTION,
IS WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS? I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY,
"WELL, I'M GONNA DO SOME MORE MOVIES
AND I'LL BE MAKING 20 MILLION
AND, YOU KNOW, I GOT THESE T.V. SHOWS."
THOSE AREN'T MY FUTURE PLANS.
MY FUTURE PLANS ARE TO BE 45
AND WORKING WHENEVER THE *** I WANT TO WORK.
AND HAVING A COUPLE MORE RANCHES
SCATTERED THROUGH THE COUNTRY
WITH HORSES AND DOGS ON 'EM
AND HOPEFULLY AN ISLAND SOMEWHERE.
THAT'S THE PLAN.
AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS A STEP.
I LEARNED THAT LESSON BECAUSE WHEN I WAS MOVING TO L.A.,
I MADE THIS LIST OF MY FUTURE PLANS,
AND THEY WERE TO GET ON TELEVISION,
AND... THERE'S JUST A COUPLE--
YOU KNOW, LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE THINGS THAT I SAID I WANTED TO DO
WHEN I GOT TO L.A.
AND I DID 'EM ALL IN SIX MONTHS.
AND THEN I WAS SITTIN' THERE
AND I WAS LIKE, "***, I DID EVERYTHING I PLANNED TO DO.
HOW DEPRESSING IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE.
YOU CAN GUESS. YOU CAN FORMULATE IT.
BUT IT'S ALL CIRCUMSTANTIAL.
IF I GET DEATHLY ILL TOMORROW,
MY FUTURE PLAN IS GONNA BE TO GET HEALTHY.
AND I'M HEALTHY RIGHT NOW. SO I'M COOL.
I'M COOL. MY FUTURE PLANS ARE TO CONTINUE TO BE SUCCESSFUL
AND TO CONTINUE TO OUTWORK
MY PEER GROUP
AND TO OUT-FUNNY MY PEERS.
AND TO-- SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE WITH EVERY OTHER JOB.
I WANT TO GET A PROMOTION, WANT TO GET A RAISE,
AND THEN I WANT TO RETIRE.
Woman: WELL, WE ARE HERE WITH KATT WILLIAMS.
HE JUST FINISHED HIS SET. VERY FUNNY. VERY HILARIOUS.
KATT, I MEAN, WHAT WAS GOING ON OUT THERE?
WHAT WAS THE MOTIVATION?
NOTHIN'.
I WAS DOIN' MY TIME.
( silent )
I KNOW A ***, KATT WILLIAMS. GOOD ***.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? REAL DOWN TO EARTH.
H AND H, MAN-- HUNGRY AND HUMBLE.
AND IF HE WANT TO MAKE IT IN LONGEVITY
IN THIS ***' GAME, THAT'S HOW YOU GOTTA BE.
HE'S REAL-- THAT'S MY GOOD FRIEND, MAN. YOU SPELL ME?
THE *** IS SMALL AS TATTOO FROM "FANTASY ISLAND,"
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, HE'S MY ***, MAN.
DON'T GET IT TWISTED, YOU SPELL ME?
ONE OF THE BEST COMEDIANS OUT THERE, MAN,
IF NOT THE BEST, YOU DIG?
DON'T GET IT TWISTED, MAN. IT'S KATT WILLIAMS LIVE, MAN.
I MEAN FEASIBLE, MAN. THE BEST THING SINCE THE CRAYON.
WHAT IS. YEE YEE YEE!
IT'S NOT THAT MONEY WON'T MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER, 'CAUSE IT WILL.
IT'S JUST THAT MONEY CAN'T SOLVE WHAT'S *** UP ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S THE ***' DIFFERENCE. LIKE, IF YOU AN ALCOHOLIC
AND YOU AIN'T GOT BUT $20,
YOU GONNA GET AS *** UP AS YOU CAN
TILL YOU GET TO 20.
SOON AS YOU GET TO 20, LAST CALL.
THAT'S IT. NOW IMAGINE YOU THAT SAME ALCOHOLIC,
BUT YOU GOT $1 MILLION NOW.
Woman: WHOA!
YOU JUST GONNA BE DRINKIN' AND DRINKIN' AND DRINKIN'
AND DRINKIN' AND DRINKIN'-- YOU JUST GONNA KEEP GOING
TILL YOU RUN OUT. THAT'S WHAT'S *** UP.
THAT'S WHY SOMETIMES YOU DON'T WANT TOO MUCH ***' MONEY.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MICHAEL JACKSON.
HE DIDN'T MEAN TO LOOK LIKE THAT.
THAT WASN'T HIS ***' PLAN.
THAT'S-- NO. I'M TELLING YOU.
THAT'S NOT THE FACE HE THOUGHT HE WAS FITTIN' TO END UP WITH.
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
HE JUST HAD TOO MUCH ***' MONEY.
SEE, SOMETIMES BEIN' BROKE IS A ***' PROTECTION.
YOU CAN'T DO ALL THE ***-UP STUPID ***
YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN YOU WAS HIGH
'CAUSE YOU BROKE. AND IT PROTECTS YOU.
IF YOU A BROKE *** WITH A BIG NOSE,
YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOUR ***' BIG NOSE.
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T *** YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST LOOK AT IT AND START-- YOU START GETTIN' DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT.
"***, IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY BIG NOSE,
GET THE *** OUT OF MY BIG-NOSE FACE THERE, ***. I DON'T--"
BUT MICHAEL HAD ENOUGH MONEY,
HE COULD DO WHATEVER THE *** HE THOUGHT.
SO INSTEAD OF DOING LIKE WE DO--
WE ONLY SPEND LIKE SEVEN SECONDS AT THE MIRROR.
WE JUST LOOKIN' FOR BUMPS AND-- NO? OKAY.
THIS *** HAD HOURS TO SPEND AT THE MIRROR.
HE JUST AT THE MIRROR LOOKIN' AT HIS NOSE.
"I HATE MY NOSE.
I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THIS NOSE ANYMORE."
THEN THE *** WENT TO THE DOCTOR
AND TOLD THE DOCTOR EXACTLY WHAT THE ***
HE WANTED HIS NOSE TO LOOK LIKE.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THE ***' DOCTOR
MADE HIS ***' NOSE.
AND THEN HE GET HOME
AND NOW HE IN THE MIRROR AGAIN AND LOOKIN'--
"OKAY, THE NOSE IS RIGHT, BUT...
THESE NOSE DON'T GO WITH THIS--
THESE ***-*** CHEEKBONES. THIS...
I LOOK LIKE MR. POTATO HEAD. THIS AIN'T--
I GONNA HAVE A WHITE NOSE ON A *** FACE. THIS--"
SO HE WENT BACK IN THERE.
THE DOCTOR WAS ALL APOLOGETIC--
"I'M SORRY, MR. JACKSON. WE SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
THAT NOSE AIN'T GOIN' WITH THEM CHEEKBONES.
WE-- THAT'S GENERALLY UNSAID.
I SHOULD HAVE WENT AHEAD AND DID THE WHOLE--
YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU'RE IN HERE,
YOU WANT ME TO GO ON AND FIX THE CHIN
AND PUT A LITTLE JOHN-TRAVOLTA CLEFT IN THAT *** FOR YOU?"
*** MICHAEL.
NOW HE-- NOW THAT HE IN TROUBLE.
NOW THIS *** GOT MUSLIMS AROUND HIM NOW.
NOW HE LOOK LIKE A WHITE WOMAN SURROUNDED BY MUSLIMS.
THIS IS ***.
HE DON'T WANT TO BE NO ***' ***.
LOOK, LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING.
WHAT I'M FITTIN' TO SAY ABOUT MICHAEL NEXT,
A LOT OF Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA LIKE
AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
I DON'T GIVE A ***.
NOW WHITE PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND DANGER.
THEY JUST DON'T.
YOU DONE SEEN THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
WHITE PEOPLE HAVE NO SENSE OF DANGER AT ALL.
THEY JUST BE LOOKIN' RIGHT AT THE COBRA.
JUST-- THE COBRA IS RIGHT THE *** THERE
AND THEY WANT TO DO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE ***.
"LOOK AT HIS FANGS.
LOOK AT THE FANG--"
THERE'S NOT A *** IN HERE THAT'S EVER SEEN
A WILD ANIMAL CLOSE UP.
NOT ONE ***. DO YOU KNOW WHY?
IF WE SEE ONE, THAT'S THE END OF IT.
*** WILL CANCEL THE WHOLE TRIP.
JUST-- "***, IS THAT A BEAR OR A BIG ROTTWEILER?
***, I'M NOT SURE. LET'S LEAVE. LET'S LEAVE.
THIS IS ***. WE NOT--"
WHITE PEOPLE-- YOU HAVE GOT TO GET YOU SOME *** FRIENDS.
WE ARE TIRED OF SEEING ***-UP *** HAPPENING, Y'ALL,
THAT COULD BE PREVENTED.
ALL I'M SAYING, WHITE PEOPLE, LOOK--
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MOUNTAIN BIKE
DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO RIDE THAT ***
IN THE MOUNTAINS,
FOR THAT IS THE HOME OF THE MOUNTAIN LION.
NOW DO YOU SEE HOW SIMPLE THIS SOUNDS?
WE ARE TIRED OF WHITE PEOPLE GETTING ATTACKED BY ***.
AND THEN THEY BE ON THE NEWS MAD AT THE ***' LION.
"WE WEREN'T EVEN *** WITH HIM!"
"***, YOU WERE IN THE DRIVE-THRU."
THE LION WAS IN THE BUS LIKE--
"IF THESE *** COME THROUGH HERE
ONE MORE ***' TIME,
IT'S GONNA BE REFLECTORS EVERYWHERE! JUST--"
SPANISH PEOPLE?
GET YOU SOME *** FRIENDS TOO.
NOW UNDERSTAND, SPANISH PEOPLE, WE LOVE Y'ALL.
Y'ALL ARE THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING ***
THAT WE HAVE EVER SEEN.
YOU ALL WORK A BIT TOO MUCH.
YOU MAKIN' *** LOOK BAD.
WE HAVE TO SEE SOME *** MEXICANS WORKING.
"JUST LOOK AT THESE SHOW-OFF ***.
YOU GONNA CUT ALL THE *** GRASS, JULIO?"
THIS *** IS GOING FROM YARD TO YARD.
JUST--
*** BE IN THE BUSHES, LIKE-- "TAKE A BREAK, ***!
THIS *** BEEN WORKING FOR THREE DAYS!"
BUT WE LOVE Y'ALL
'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE SOME PARTYING ***.
DON'T NOBODY ***' PARTY LIKE SPANISH PEOPLE.
NO ***' BODY.
'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T NEED A REASON.
***, WE NEED A REASON TO PARTY AND SOME SUPPLIES.
WE NEED INVITATIONS
AND BANNERS AND BALLOONS
AND FLIERS AND CHIPS AND-- NOT MEXICANS.
ALL THEY NEED IS GRASS AND CORONA.
THESE *** PARTY TILL YOU DONE FORGOT
WHAT THE *** THE PARTY WAS FOR.
THEY STARTED ON THURSDAY. BY SUNDAY NIGHT,
YOU JUST IN THAT ***-- JUST, "WHAT THE ***?
I WANT TO GO HOME. THIS IS-- ***."
PARTY ALL DAY, BUT SPANISH PEOPLE?
YOU NEED SOME *** FRIENDS TOO.
'CAUSE SOME OF THE *** Y'ALL BE DOING, IT'S--
YOUR *** FRIENDS ARE-- LOOK, SPANISH PEOPLE,
ALL I'M SAYING
IS IF YOU ARE PUSHING A STROLLER THROUGH THE MALL,
AND YOUR BABY'S FEET CAN TOUCH THE GROUND OUT THE STROLLER,
THEN JUST LET LITTLE ESE WALK THEN.
***!
THIS *** IS 13 *** YEARS OLD!
HE GOT A CELL PHONE AND *** ALL TIGHTENED UP.
"PUSH IT FASTER, ESE."
THIS IS ***.
NEED SOME *** FRIENDS.
YOUR *** FRIENDS WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU
DRESS YOUR BABIES APPROPRIATELY.
WE ARE TIRED OF SEEING THESE LITTLE SPANISH BABIES
AT THE LAUNDROMAT-- THIS *** GOT A WEDDING GOWN ON
AND SOME SOCKS AND SHOES
AND A SOMBRERO
AND SHE GOT TAPS ON HER SHOES,
AND PLAYING THE TRIANGLE.
"***, THIS IS A LAUNDROMAT.
WHAT THE *** IS YOU DRESSED FOR?"
NOW ***,
BY THE SAME TOKEN,
MAKE SURE YOU GET YOU SOME WHITE FRIENDS.
SEE, NOW *** LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "FOR WHAT?"
NO.
YOU NEED SOME WHITE FRIENDS, ***.
PUT IT ON YOUR CALENDAR, WRITE IT JUST LIKE THAT--
"NEED SOME WHITE FRIENDS."
WHITE FRIENDS WILL HELP YOU.
YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE ALL *** FRIENDS.
IF YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' BUT *** FRIENDS
AND YOU HAPPEN TO GO TO JAIL,
YOUR *** IS *** UP.
YOU CALL YOUR ***' FRIENDS,
THESE *** INTERROGATE YOU
MORE THAN THE ***' POLICE DID.
THEY GOT YOU ON THE PHONE--
"WHAT THE *** DID YOU DO?
WHO THE *** WAS YOU HANGIN' WITH?
I TOLD YOU THEM *** WASN'T ***."
NOT YOUR WHITE FRIENDS. YOU CALL THEM,
THEY'LL BE AT THE JAILHOUSE BEFORE YOU HANG UP THE PHONE
AND THEY'LL BE MADDER THAN A ***
JUST STANDING RIGHT THERE, JUST-- "ARRESTED HIM FOR WHAT?
***? MURDERED WHO?
THIS IS ***!
I'VE KNOWN HIM TWO ***' WEEKS.
HE WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"
WHITE FRIENDS HAVE YOUR BACK.
I DON'T GIVE A *** WHAT YOU SAY,
WHITE PEOPLE ARE FRIENDLY.
YOU CAN CALL THEM *** UP AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING
WITH THE WRONG NUMBER AND THEY WON'T EVEN BE MAD AT YOU.
THEY-- BRRING!
"HELLO?
NO, I'M SORRY. NO SHAQUITA HERE.
WELL, WHAT NUMBER DID YOU DIAL?
NO, I'M SORRY. IT'S A NINE, NOT A SEVEN.
WELL, TRY IT. IF IT DOESN'T WORK,
CALL ME BACK. WE'LL FIGURE THIS THING OUT."
NEED YOU SOME WHITE FRIENDS.
NOW YOU CAN'T DO EVERYTHING
WITH YOUR WHITE FRIENDS.
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,
GET DRUNK WITH YOUR WHITE FRIENDS.
DON'T ***' DO IT. AND THEY GONNA BEG YOU TO DO IT.
"PLEASE-- WE DON'T-- YOU DON'T EVEN GOTTA PAY.
JUST COME ON, WE-- COME ON.
NO, COME ON. COME ON!
WHOO! COME ON, COME ON NOW.
COME ON. COME ON NOW, PEOPLE NOW,
SMILE ON YOUR BROTHER. COME ON.
WE JUST DRINKIN'. COME ON. DO YOU DRINK?
DO YOU DRINK? DO YOU DRINK?
DRINK WITH US. COME ON, COME ON, LET'S DO IT."
NO, DON'T ***' DO IT.
'CAUSE WE DON'T GET DRUNK THE SAME WAY.
*** AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DRUNK TOGETHER.
SEE, LOOK, *** ARE CONSISTENT
WITH THEIR DRINKIN'.
EVERY *** IN HERE GOT TO DRINK THEIR DRINK
AND A BACK-UP DRINK.
THAT'S IT.
A DRINK AND A BACK-UP DRINK.
THAT'S IT. IF A *** DRINK HENNESSY,
THAT *** DRINK HENNESSY ALL THE TIME.
EVERY TIME HE DRINK, IT'S HENNESSY.
"NOW WE IN THIS CLUB. WHAT YOU DRINKIN'?"
"HENNESSY." "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. WHAT YOU DRINKIN'?"
"HENNESSY." "YOU MAD AS A ***. WHAT YOU DRINKIN'?"
"HENNESSY." "***, IT'S YOUR FUNERAL. WHAT YOU DRINKIN'?"
- All: HENNESSY. - HENNESSY.
IF THEY AIN'T GOT HENNESSY,
A *** MIGHT TAKE REMY X.O. AS A BACK-UP.
BUT IT'S ONE OF THE TWO. THAT'S NOT WHITE PEOPLE.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE SAME AGENDA.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE SAME BRAND OF LOYALTY.
THEY DON'T GIVE A *** ABOUT THE DRINK.
WHITE PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY SAID
WHEN THEY WAS WALKIN' OUT THE HOUSE.
AND THAT IS, "TONIGHT WE ARE GETTIN' *** UP."
AND THEY DON'T GIVE A *** WHAT HAPPENS
LONG AS THEY GET *** UP.
I WAS ***' DRINKING WITH SOME WHITE PEOPLE
AND THESE *** HAD ME DRINKING SOMETHING
CALLED "ZAMBUKIE." AND I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
THAT THAT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD NAME FOR A *** DRINKIN' AT ALL.
"ZAMBUKIE" SOUND LIKE SHAQUILLE O'NEAL'S SON OR SOMETHIN'.
ZAMBUKIE?
BUT THE ***-- IT *** WITH ME,
'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS.
THE *** WAS COFFEE AND ALCOHOL MIXED TOGETHER.
AND IT WAS GOOD AS A ***.
I KEPT DRINKING IT AND IT WAS ONLY ONCE I HAD GOT *** UP
THAT IT DAWNED ON ME THAT MAYBE THIS AIN'T
THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF *** FOR *** TO BE DRINKING.
NOT COFFEE AND ALCOHOL. IT WAS TERRIBLE, Y'ALL.
I WAS *** UP AND COULDN'T PASS OUT.
I'M IN THE HOUSE LIKE, "***, I AM *** UP--
NO, I'M NOT. I'M COOL, I'M COOL.
I FEEL GOOD. LET'S GO TO STARBUCKS.
I WANT SOME BREAKFAST."
I'M OUT THERE MEETING FAMOUS ***
JUST AIN'T AT ALL WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.
I'M OUT THERE MEETING SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, BECOME FRIENDS.
THIS-- I BEEN WATCHING THIS *** FOREVER.
NOW ME AND THIS *** FRIENDS.
I FIND OUT I CAN'T EVEN BE THIS ***'S FRIEND IN PUBLIC
BECAUSE HE JUST TOO ***' TALL.
WHAT THE ***? HERE LOOK LIKE I'M TRYIN' TO TELL YOU "GOOD GAME,"
AND YOU GOT YOUR *** ALL ON MY FOREHEAD.
"***, *** BASKETBALL."
THERE'S ONLY TWO LEVELS-- YOU EITHER BALLIN' OR STRUGGLIN'.
THAT'S IT-- STRUGGLIN' OR BALLIN'.
IT'S *** *** RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
THERE'S *** IN HERE RIGHT NOW WITH $60,000 VEHICLES
WITH A QUARTER TANK OF GAS.
AND THEY'RE NOT FILLIN' UP TONIGHT NEITHER.
THEY'RE NOT.
THEY DONE ***' CHANGED THE GAME.
YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO TELL IF YOU WAS ROLLIN'
WITH SOME BALLIN' ***, 'CAUSE THEY'LL SAY
SOME BALLIN'-***, GANGSTA-*** GASOLINE ***.
YOU BE IN THE CAR, THEY BE LIKE, "***, I GOT TO GO GET SOME GAS."
AND YOU BE LIKE, "WELL, WHY YOU, UM...
WHY YOU AIN'T STOP AT ARCO?
WHY YOU AIN'T STOP RIGHT THERE? THAT'S CHEAP."
AND THEY SAY SOME GANGSTA-*** GASOLINE *** TO YOU.
"I DON'T PUT THAT ***' *** IN MY CAR, ***.
THAT *** GOT WATER IN IT, ***."
NOW GAS SO HIGH,
YOU BUY GAS OUT A ***'S BATHTUB IF YOU CAN GET A CUP.
"TAKE TWO OF THESE. I'M GONNA TAKE TWO OF THESE."
- ( club striking ) - THERE YOU GO.
***. GET DOWN.
Man: OOH, SNAP.