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Woman: ARE YOU THERE?
Man: I'M HERE.
HELP ME. MY CLIENT IS GOING TO JAIL.
OH, NO, SHE'S NOT.
I THINK I'VE GOT IT.
REALLY?
LOOK UP HASSON v. CONRAD.
SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE --
CASE WAS THROWN OUT.
LEGALEAGLE, THANK YOU.
YOU ARE BY FAR THE MOST BRILLIANT MIND
IN THIS CHAT ROOM.
THANK YOU, LAWYER-GIRL.
I, UH, REALIZE WE HAVE CERTAIN ANONYMITY HERE,
BUT DO YOU BY ANY CHANCE HAVE A NAME?
IT'S CHARLENE.
I MISSED YOU YESTERDAY.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
UNEVENTFUL.
I EXERCISED FOR AN HOUR IN THE MORNING,
POKED AROUND IN THE YARD IN THE AFTERNOON,
AND VISITED WITH A GIRLFRIEND DOWN THE BLOCK IN THE EVENING.
SOUNDS INNOCENT ENOUGH.
DON'T LET MY HUMDRUM DAY FOOL YOU, NOW.
I ALSO HAVE A VERY DARK SIDE.
[ COMPUTER BEEPS ]
WELL, I'M 31
WITH LONG, FLOWING LOCKS AND AN ATHLETIC BODY.
PETER, WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE?
I'M...A LITTLE OLDER... 6'2".
MY HAIR IS... IT'S LIGHT.
UH, IT'S BOYISHLY LIGHT.
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
AND GOOD NIGHT TO YOU, LAWYER-GIRL.
[ COMPUTER CHIMES ]
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
GENDLER.
[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
HI.
MORNING, PETER.
HOW ARE YOU?
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
GENTLEMEN.
OH, GOOD. PETER'S HERE. WE CAN BEGIN.
OKAY. ON TO PRESSING BUSINESS.
WORD HAS COME TO US
THAT COFFEE HEIRESS MRS. VIRGINIA ARNESS
HAS DISMISSED HER CURRENT TAX LAWYERS.
VIRGINIA ARNESS.
74 YEARS OLD, BORN AND RAISED IN ATHENS, GEORGIA.
AT THE AGE OF 13,
SHE WAS SHIPPED OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL IN ENGLAND,
WHERE SHE'S BEEN RESIDING UNTIL JUST RECENTLY.
THAT WAS ONLY TWO DAYS AGO.
IMPRESSIVE.
NOW, WE'VE ALL HEARD
THAT MRS. ARNESS HAS A PENCHANT FOR THRIFTINESS.
AND THAT SHE BRINGS NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "CONSERVATIVE."
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY.
SHE'S PARANOID AND SUSPICIOUS. PETER --
I'M HER GUY.
I'M SINGLE. I'LL GIVE HER NIGHTS, WEEKENDS.
AREN'T YOU GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY, TODD?
THAT'S FLEXIBLE.
AND, PETER, I WOULDN'T WANT THIS TO INTERFERE
WITH YOUR FAMILY'S HAWAIIAN VACATION.
YOU GO ON.
I GOT IT ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
MAHALO.
WELL, THAT'S VERY ADMIRABLE OF YOU, TODD.
I MEAN, Y-YOUR YOUTH, UH, DEFINITELY MAKES YOU AN ***...
..ET TO THE COMPANY,
ESPECIALLY AT THE ANNUAL SOFTBALL GAME.
BUT TO AN ARCHCONSERVATIVE, 74-YEAR-OLD WOMAN?
WHAT WILL WE DO IS NOT CHARGE MRS. ARNESS ONE SINGLE RED CENT
FOR HER ESTATE PLANNING.
WHY?
BECAUSE WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT MEASLY FEE.
WE USE IT AS A LOSS LEADER TO GET HER CORPORATE BUSINESS,
THE MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR ARNESS COFFEE CONGLOMERATE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HMM.
HOW MAY I HELP YOU, HOWIE?
JUST THOUGHT I'D CONGRATULATE YOU ON TURNING IT AROUND.
TURNING WHAT AROUND?
YOU SNAKED GENDLER.
PLEASE. GENDLER DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOESN'T BOTHER YOU.
WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?
LISTEN, I THOUGHT MAYBE AFTER WORK
YOU AND ME GO, UH, TIE ONE ON,
MAYBE CHECK OUT SOME OF THE LOCAL TALENT.
[ COMPUTER CHIMES ]
AND BY THE WAY, IT'S "YOU AND I GO TIE ONE ON,"
NOT "YOU AND ME GO."
SOMEBODY MESSAGING YOU HERE.
WHO'S LAWYER-GIRL?
NOBODY.
WHOA. DID SOMEONE MAKE A BLIND INTERNET DATE?
NO. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WELL, TECHNICALLY, BUT, UH, NO.
I MET HER IN A LEGAL CHAT ROOM.
SHE'S -- SHE'S --
UH, SHE'S, UH, VERY CLASSY AND SMART.
WHEN DO YOU NAIL HER?
I'M COURTING HER TONIGHT AT 7:00.
OH, JEEZ. YOU'RE COURTING HER. SOUNDS LIKE A HOT ONE.
AND THIS IS HER?
YEAH, SHE'S ATTRACTIVE, ISN'T SHE?
I SUPPOSE. I DON'T KNOW. IT'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA.
WHAT DO YOU -- SHE IS UNIVERSALLY CUTE.
EH, SHE'S A LITTLE TOO ANEMIC-LOOKING, PETEY.
I LIKE MY JELLO TO JIGGLE, IF I'M NOT BEING TOO SUBTLE, BUT --
YOU'RE NOT BEING TOO SUBTLE.
ALL RIGHT, AS LONG AS SHE SPINS YOUR KNOBS, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
HAVE YOU NAILED ANYONE SINCE KATE?
NAIL-- I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL HER.
SOFIA, CAN YOU GET MY WIFE ON THE PHONE?
EX-WIFE.
UH, EX-WIFE ON THE PHONE?
Right away.
CAN'T HELP YOU WITH THIS ONE, PAL.
SEE YOU LATER.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
PETER, YOU CANNOT BREAK ANOTHER PROMISE TO THESE KIDS.
YOU CAN'T. YOU JUST CAN'T.
I SAID I COULDN'T TAKE THEM TO HAWAII.
I DIDN'T SAY I COULDN'T TAKE THEM.
THEY CAN SPEND THE WEEK WITH ME.
They are gonna be so disappointed.
I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
[ BEEPS ]
UM...DADDY CAN'T TAKE YOU TO HAWAII.
[ Sarcastically ] OH, DARN.
HE ALWAYS DOES THIS.
[ SNIFFS ]
SANDERSON, PARTY OF TWO.
OH, YOU'RE THE LAST TO ARRIVE.
HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN HERE?
MMM, ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
WAS SHE TROUBLE?
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
THANK YOU.
HELLO. I'M PETER SANDERSON.
WELL, I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T SEND A CHILD.
I TOLD THEM I SPECIFICALLY WANTED SOMEONE MY OWN AGE.
WHAT A WONDERFUL FRENCH BULLDOG.
MY MOTHER HAD ONE. THEY MAKE GREAT COMPANIONS.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
HIS NAME IS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
WELL, OF COURSE.
NOW, I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOUR UNFORTUNATE ESCAPADE.
I DON'T HAVE ESCAPADES.
FIASCO WITH YOUR PREVIOUS ATTORNEY.
THE MAN WAS A THIEVING CRIMINAL.
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY
DOESN'T GIVE PEOPLE THE RIGHT TO OVERCHARGE.
I DO NOT ENJOY BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
WHICH IS WHY OUR SERVICE IS FREE OF CHARGE.
AFTER ALL, YOU WORKED HARD FOR YOUR MONEY.
I'M AN HEIRESS.
AN HEIRESS WHO WORKED HARD TO KEEP HER MONEY.
NOW, SHALL WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS?
FINE.
SO, NOW YOU MAY HAND OVER YOUR PROPOSAL.
I'LL TAKE IT WITH ME.
PROPOSAL?
UM, WELL, I WAS EXPECTING TO MEET WITH YOU TOMORROW.
I WAS ASSURED THE PROPOSAL WOULD BE READY
FOR THIS AFTERNOON.
I SEE NO POINT IN OUR MEETING TOMORROW.
AND TONIGHT I'M --
MADAM, I'M SORRY.
WE HAVE A NO-DOG POLICY IN THE LOUNGE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO REMOVE THE DOG.
EXCUSE ME. I AM MRS. ARNESS' ATTORNEY,
AND BECAUSE THERE IS NO SIGN POSTED REGARDING DOGS,
THAT MEANS THERE IS NO POLICY TOWARD DOGS.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID A LEGAL SITUATION,
I WOULD SUGGEST YOU RUN TO THE KITCHEN
AND GET SOME TUNA TARTAR FOR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
ON THE HOUSE.
YES, SIR.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, MA'AM.
WHERE AND WHEN TOMORROW?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HELLO, MR. SANDERSON.
OH, MRS. KLINE. ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
AND WHEN AM I GOING TO GET TO BABYSIT
WITH YOUR CHARMING LITTLE GEORGEY AGAIN?
[ DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE ]
OH, UH, WELL, UH, SOON,
BECAUSE HE JUST LOVES COMING OVER TO YOUR PLACE.
[ LAUGHS ]
UH, MR. SANDERSON?
THOSE LATIN PEOPLE WHO WERE SKULKING AROUND...
OH. UH, THEY WERE LOOKING AT THE ARUDA HOUSE.
CASING IT?
NO, UH, TO BUY IT.
[ Laughing ] OH, PLEASE.
IF THEY'RE IN THIS BLOCK AND NOT CARRYING A LEAF BLOWER --
[ LAUGHS ] YEAH.
WELL, I'D LOVE TO, UH, DISCUSS THIS WITH YOU FURTHER,
BUT I'M EXPECTING SOMEONE.
Ohh.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
YEAH.
HEY.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ SNIFFS ]
HI.
[ SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SNIFFS ]
YEAH.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
♪ DA-DA DA-DA DA DA-DA DA-DA DA ♪
♪ DA-DA DA-DA DA DA-DA DA-DA DA ♪
[ INHALES DEEPLY, CLEARS THROAT ]
♪ DA-DA DA-DA DA DA-DA DA-DA DA ♪
I HOPE YOU LIKE CHAM...
...POO.
WHAT'S UP, BABY?
OOH, CHAMPAGNE. I LOVE CHAMPAGNE.
THIS FOR ME?
OH, I'M SORRY.
I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG HOUSE.
IT IS DAMN GOOD TO FINALLY CONNECT.
PARDON ME?
IT'S ME, FOOL -- CHARLENE.
OOH, FOOD.
WHAT?
IT'S ME, HONEY. YOUR DATE, LAWYER-GIRL.
YOU CAN'T BE.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. LEAVE THAT ALONE. LEAVE IT ALONE.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I?
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A BLONDE.
CAN'T GET NOTHING PAST YOU.
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU MUST BE A BOMB-*** LAWYER.
OH, LOOK AT ALL OF THESE PRETTY CANDLES --
ALL ROMANTIC AND ***.
SOMEBODY WAS PLANNING ON GETTING SOME *** TONIGHT.
HEY, HEY! LEAVE THAT ALONE. THERE ARE SETTINGS.
AND YOU CAN'T BE CHARLENE,
BECAUSE CHARLENE IS -- IS, UH, MORE OF, UH, UH --
SKINNY WHITE BROAD?
YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ] YOU KNOW, I GET THAT A LOT.
BUT THAT'S YOUR FAULT YOU'RE THINKING THAT, BRO.
YOU MUST HAVE NOT HAVE TOOK A GOOD LOOK AT THAT PICTURE.
I HAVE LOOKED AT THAT PICTURE A LOT,
AND TRUST ME, YOU ARE NOT IN IT.
MM-HMM.
[ SUCKING ]
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE. LET ME DO IT, LET ME DO IT.
SEE?
THERE I AM.
SORRY YOU GOT IT TWISTED, DOG.
I DON'T GET A LOT OF PHOTO OPS WHERE I BEEN.
WHERE EXACTLY HAVE YOU BEEN?
OOH, I GOT A RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE.
WE STILL HAVING DINNER OR WHAT?
I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.
ROLEX.
ROLEX?
I DID TIME, BABY, BUT I AIN'T DO THE CRIME.
YOU'RE A CONVICT?
BUMP THAT.
SHOOT, ROSCOE CRACKED THAT DOOR.
I KICKED IT OFF THE HEEZY AND BOUNCED.
FOR REAL, THOUGH.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
WHAT, DON'T YOU HEAR GOOD?
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE. HOW CAN I PUT THIS?
UM, I WAS RECENTLY LIBERATED
FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY
FOR THE INCARCERATION OF FEMALE --
YOU'RE IN THE BIG HOUSE, AND YOU GET SOMEONE TO TYPE FOR YOU,
AND YOU GET ON THE INTERNET, AND YOU MISREPRESENT YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT HAPPENS, AND I'M A SUCKER,
BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO GO, BECAUSE THIS IS OVER.
REALLY. JUST -- HEY.
BISCUIT, YOU MISREPRESENTED YOURSELF.
BOYISHLY LIGHT -- PLEASE.
GRAY.
YOU SAID YOU WAS A CRIMINAL LAWYER.
I PULLED YOUR FILE.
YOU'RE JUST SOME SORRY-*** TAX ATTORNEY.
A TAX LAWYER IS A CRIMINAL LAWYER.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, GOOD, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
WELL, DO TELL.
WELL, I WANT TO REOPEN MY CASE.
AND WHAT DID YOU DO, SMOKE SOME HOMIES ON A DRIVE-BY?
SMOKE? HOMIES?
WELL, YOU A REGULAR GANGSTER, HUH?
NO, MAN. I WAS IN FOR ARMED ROBBERY, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.
YEAH, WELL, YEAH, NOBODY DID IT.
BUT NOW YOU HAVE TO GO.
I CAN'T BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION
I'M NOT A CRIMINAL.
IF I WAS A CRIMINAL, I WOULD HAVE SHANKED YOU
WHEN WE WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE, AND I HAD THAT KNIFE IN MY HAND.
BUT I DIDN'T!
IT'S JUST TIME TO GO.
PLEASE, PLEASE, JUST LISTEN TO ME.
JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND.
OKAY. O-OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
LOOK -- LOOK, CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING, PLEASE?
WHAT?
I DIDN'T DO THE CRIME.
YOU RUDE MOTHER--
[ LOCKS CLICKING ]
I AIN'T GOIN'.
[ INSECTS CHIRPING ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ Crying ] IT'S YOUR BABY, PETER, AND DON'T YOU DENY IT!
[ DOG BARKING ]
THAT DNA TEST TOLD ON YOU!
YOU LIE, PETER!
YOU KNOW LIL' KAREEM IS YOURS!
WHY?!
HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, PETER?!
YOU TOLD ME I WAS YOUR BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN QUEEN.
AND I LOVED YOU FOR THAT, PETER!
I DIDN'T CARE IF YOUR LITTLE THING WAS CURVED.
AND LIL' KAREEM DON'T WANT YOUR CHILD SUPPORT.
HE JUST WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WHITE DADDY.
A LITTLE CHOCOLATE-VANILLA SWIRL
FROM THAT MAGICAL NIGHT AT THE CRACKHOUSE.
OH!
Come on.
Just be quiet!
Wait just a second. My shoes.
WHOA!
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
I THOUGHT I HEARD ***.
NO. NO *** SPOKEN HERE.
OH.
WELL...GOOD NIGHT, THEN.
OH, UH...
GOOD NIGHT.
[ BARKING CONTINUES ]
Come on!
Come on, come on!
YOU STAY. YOU STAY. YOU WAIT RIGHT THERE.
WHO YOU CALLIN'?
THE POLICE.
[ Telephone rings ]
Woman: Police department. Sergeant Panella. Please hold.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S ALL OF OUR E-MAILS.
YOU THINK ANYBODY AT TOBIAS, KLINE, AND BARNES
WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HEARING
ABOUT YOU LOOKING FOR BOOM-BOOM IN THE FEDERAL PEN?
AND I'LL SEND A PHOTO.
Thanks for holding. Can I help you?
[ IMITATING ASIAN LANGUAGE ]
NOW, THIS IS JUST FOR TONIGHT, UNDERSTAND?
A'IGHT.
I CAN WORK WITH THIS.
BUT, UH, LOOK, DON'T BE GETTIN' NO IDEAS
ABOUT SNEAKIN' UP IN HERE AND HITTIN' THIS ***,
'CAUSE YOU BLEW YOUR CHANCE WITH THIS FINE SISTER.
DARE TO DREAM.
TSK. PLEASE.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
[ LAUGHS ]
Oh, my God! A bed!
Oh, a nice, big, cushy bed.
Ohh, no roommates, no cellmates.
[ SNORING ]
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
CHARLENE?
CHARLENE.
[ SNORING CONTINUES ]
CHARLENE! COME ON, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.
WHO THAT? WHO THERE?
WHO WANT IT WITH LENE?
I PUT SOME BAGELS OUTSIDE.
I THOUGHT WE COULD DISCUSS YOUR CASE.
AHH!
WHAT UP, DOG? WHERE 'EM BAGELS AT?
HEY, GUESS WHAT, GIRLFRIEND? YOUR GAME IS UP.
BECAUSE I BURNED ALL THOSE E-MAILS,
INCLUDING THE SECOND SET I FOUND HIDDEN IN THE LINING OF YOUR COAT.
AND I DELETED EVERYTHING OFF MY COMPUTER.
SO I NEVER MET YOU, AND YOU NEVER MET ME.
DON'T EVEN TRY, GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE IT'S LOCKED.
AND NOW I AM GOING TO GO GET MY KIDS,
AS IN INNOCENT YOUNG PERSONS
WHO WILL NEVER EVEN KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
SO NOW JUST GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!
AND LOCKY LOCKY!
SO TA-TA.
AND WATCH OUT. THE GATE CLOSES AUTOMATICALLY.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT MY STUFF?
OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE STREET.
YOU PUT MY STUFF ON THE TRASH?
OH. [ LAUGHS ] WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WISH YOU WELL. I REALLY DO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD A GREAT, GREAT TIME.
IT WAS REALLY FUN.
SO, OH, WELL.
I GUESS I'LL JUST SEE YOU IN MY NEXT LIFE.
HEH HEH HEH HEH. BYE!
[ LAUGHING EVILLY ]
HA HA. I'LL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME.
SO I SAID TO HIM,
"JUST 'CAUSE YOU WHISKED ME OFF TO PARIS ON YOUR PRIVATE JET
DOESN'T MEAN I'M GONNA SLEEP WITH YOU."
WHAT DOES HE THINK I AM? A ***?
CAN AUNT ASHLEY EDIT HERSELF, PLEASE?
YOU STAYED IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HIM.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
HELLO. IT WAS A SUITE -- PLENTY OF FLOOR SPACE.
SWEETIEPIE, HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME. I LOVE YOU. [ SMOOCHES ]
AND PLEASE BE GOOD TO YOUR BROTHER
AND HELP HIM WITH HIS READING.
THANK YOU.
IS HE STILL HAVING PROBLEMS?
YEAH.
OH, HE STRUGGLES EVERY DAY, BUT HE'S IMPROVING.
[ VIDEO GAME BEEPING ]
THANK YOU, SWEETIEPIE. [ SMOOCHES ]
DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE.
DADDY'S STUPID, TOO, AND HE BECAME A LAWYER.
ASHLEY!
I'M NOT STUPID.
NO, NO, NO. OF COURSE NOT.
HEY, DAD'S HERE.
SPEAK OF THE DUMMY.
HEY, HOW'S MY LITTLE GIRL DOIN', HUH?
HI, DAD.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN', BIG GUY?
AHHH, HERE YOU GO.
HI, KATE.
HI.
OH, ASHLEY, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE.
WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
PETER, YOU'RE ALMOST AGING WELL.
OKAY, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
I THOUGHT WE'D GO DOWN TO THE CLUB, AND WE'LL ALL TAKE A SWIM.
HOW'S THAT SOUND?
OOH, THAT SOUNDS MUCH MORE FUN THAT MAUI.
YOU KNOW, ASHLEY, NOT ALL OF US EARN OUR LIVING
BY MILKING RICH GERIATRICS OUT OF THEIR MONEY.
SOME OF US HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING.
PETER, YOU SOUND MUCH MORE INTELLIGENT WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
OH, LET'S NOT START THIS. I DON'T HAVE TIME.
KIDS, GO GET YOUR STUFF.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
BUT I WARNED YOU
ABOUT MARRYING THE FIRST JERK-OFF YOU MET OUT OF COLLEGE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A DATE.
DON'T BE GOOD.
WHAT MORGUE DID YOU FIND THIS ONE AT?
STOP BEING SO CHILDISH.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
HEY.
WOW. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
MMM.
UH, HI.
UH, PETER, THIS IS GLEN.
HEY.
HEY, MR. SANDERSON.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
YEAH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET THIS ROAD ON THE SHOW?
OKAY.
I WILL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.
OKAY.
ROAD ON THE SHOW.
JUST DON'T.
HOW OLD IS HE?
[ SIGHS ] YOUNGER.
GOLF INSTRUCTOR.
WHAT?
WELL, YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY,
AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP IN THAILAND MISSING A KIDNEY.
I MEAN, HE COULD HAVE MADE UP THIS WHOLE GOLF IDENTITY.
HE CADDIED FOR YOU WHEN HE WAS 14.
THAT'S LITTLE GLENNY?
DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?
NOT AT ALL.
GO HAVE FUN ON YOUR STATUTORY WEEKEND.
[ SIGHS ]
THIS DOES TOO BOTHER YOU. I KNOW YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
WELL, LOOK -- I MEAN, IT JUST LOOKS A LITTLE SILLY.
HANG ON.
HELLO?
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ] SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
WELL, PUT HIM ON.
HI.
YOU PROMISED US YOU'D TAKE US SNORKELING.
THINGS COME UP. THAT'S LIFE.
I KNOW.
I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY. I REALLY AM.
BUT NOW IT'S OVER. IT'S NEW.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN.
NOW, WHAT'S NEW? WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU?
WELL, I GOT THE FEMALE LEAD IN THE SCHOOL PLAY "OKLAHOMA!"
HEY, THAT'S GREAT. CONGRATULATIONS.
AND HOW 'BOUT YOU, BIG GUY? HOW'S SCHOOL?
I DON'T LIKE SCHOOL.
YEAH, WELL, NOBODY LIKES SCHOOL,
BUT COME ON, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU LIKE ABOUT IT.
COME ON, ONE THING.
HE GOT INTO A FIGHT THE OTHER DAY.
WHY? WHY? WHY'D YOU GET IN A FIGHT?
SOME KIDS CALLED ME A BABY 'CAUSE OF THE WAY I READ.
SOME OF THE GREATEST MINDS OF ALL TIME HAD TROUBLE LEARNING,
LIKE EDGAR ALLAN POE AND ALBERT EINSTEIN
AND, UH, OZZY OSBOURNE.
[ LAUGHS ]
OZZY RULES.
OZZY RULES. OKAY.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
DAD, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
YOU TWO WAIT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
HEY!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHERE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN', MILK?
THIS HERE'S A CHARITABLE EVENT.
YOU WANTS TO GET IN, YOU GOTS TO MAKE A DONATION.
TRUST ME, IT IS OFF THE HOOK IN THERE.
OFF THE WHAT? I LIVE HERE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE HALLE BERRY, MAN.
NO DONATION, NO ENTRY.
HOW 'BOUT IF I CALL THE POLICE?
[ BEEPS, SPEED-DIALS ]
HAVE A NICE TIME.
[ WATER SPLASHING ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ Rapping ] ♪ ROLLIN' THROUGH IN THE CRANBERRY S.K.A. ♪
♪ AND CALL THE CREW, TELL 'EM I'M COMIN' TO THE CRIB ♪
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, BABY, SHOW ME.
HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
OH, YO, P., IT'S COOL.
SEE, I HIT UP MY HOMEGIRL
'CAUSE I HAD TO GET MY HAIR DONE, AS WE BOTH KNOW.
AND THEN SHE CALLED A FRIEND.
THEY GO AND HOLLER TO SOME OTHER FRIENDS.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, WE GOT US A HOUSE PAR-TY.
I WANT EVERYONE OUT OF HERE NOW!
PEOPLE!
PEOPLE!
LOOSEN YOUR ***, GRANDMA.
LOOK, YOU LOCK ME OUT, NO MONEY, NO PLACE TO GO.
I MEAN, A GIRL GOT TO GET HER CHEESE ON.
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
THIS IS INSANE!
MY BOSS' SISTER LIVES ACROSS THE STREET.
I CAN'T HAVE ALL THESE PEOP--
HEY!
GIVE ME A HARD SEVEN, BABY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HER DRIVER'S PERMIT.
DAD.
DO NOT GO --
ROLL! UH!
COME ON.
DON'T INHALE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
GO ON AND TOSS THEM BONES, LIL' MAN.
HEY! GIVE ME --
I'M ON A ROLL, DAD.
GET OUT.
I WANT YOU AND YOUR DOGS TO GO BACK TO THE POUND NOW.
WHAT?
♪ AIN'T NO MORE
♪ TELL ME IF YOU'RE TRIPPIN' WITH ME ♪
WELL, SHE -- IT WAS THE DOGS?
BECAUSE SHE SAID DOGS, AND THEN I SAID DOGS,
SO I ASSUMED THAT WOULD BE OKAY.
HUH?
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHS ]
TSK.
[ SIGHS ] OHH.
BYE, TAMIKA. Y'ALL BE GOOD, NOW.
BYE.
HEY, HEY. Y'ALL GOT TO GO.
THAT'S A'IGHT.
HEY, BABY, GONNA GO.
OH, BYE, BEAR. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
PARTY'S OVER. OKAY. THANKS FOR COMING.
BUT THAT'S IT. IT'S OVER.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, IF I SEE WIDOW AROUND,
I'M GONNA TELL HIM YOU'RE OUT.
YOU KNOW HE WANTS TO KNOW THAT.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. I'LL SEE YOU.
BYE-BYE.
Man: IT'S LIKE THIS.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?
DAD, WHO'S THIS?
THIS IS NO ONE.
TSK! WHAT'S UP, LIL' ROMEO?
MY NAME IS CHARLENE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
YOU CANNOT MEET A NONEXISTENT PERSON.
CAN CHARLENE COME TO THE CLUB?
CLUB? WHAT CLUB?
WE'RE NOT GOING TO A CLUB, REMEMBER?
WE'RE GOING TO HAWAII, REMEMBER?
OKAY, YOU KNOW THE ROUTINE. OUTSKI! COME ON!
COME ON, MAN!
SARAH, GET THE DOOR. COME ON. OUT. COME ON.
OUT, OUT, OUT!
[ GRUNTING ]
WHAT?
GIVE ME MY MONEY, LIL' BOY.
THAT MONEY SHOULD GO TO CHARITY! OHH!
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
WHAT DID --
HEY, I LIVE HERE.
YEAH!
WHAT?
OKAY, YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW, YOU ORDER -- YOU ORDER HOT DOGS,
AND YOU, UH, SPLASH AND FROLIC
AND JUST PUT EVERYTHING ON MY ACCOUNT AND JUST HAVE FUN.
DIDN'T YOU BRING YOUR BATHING SUIT?
OH, UH, NO. I'VE GOT A -- I'M HAVING TEA WITH A CLIENT.
BUT I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHATEVER YOU SAY.
WANT TO GO SWIMMING?
WITH YOU?
FORGET YOU.
OW!
HOW'S IT LOOKING?
WELL, I WAS UP ALL NIGHT PROOFING.
IT'S ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
AND YOU'VE GOT THE CLEANEST BACKGROUND CHECK I'VE EVER SEEN.
YEAH, THAT BACKGROUND CHECK COST ME A LOT OF FUN IN MY LIFE.
Man: I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING. SHE COULD HEAR YOU.
WHAT'S CRACKIN', MA?
I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE SANDERSON TABLE.
WE OLD COLLEGE BUDDIES.
O-O-OKAY.
HE'S, UH, I-IN THE DINING ROOM.
I-I'LL SHOW YOU.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I TELL YOU WHAT -- I'LL SURPRISE HIM.
[ JEWELRY RATTLING ]
NO, YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE, PETEY.
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THANKS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE RIGHT. NOTHING --
NOTHING COULD GO WRONG. I'VE DONE THIS A MILLION TIMES WITH IMPORTANT CLIENTS,
SO I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
WHAT?
Oh, no.
OH, SWING IT, YOU COCOA GODDESS.
COCOA GODDESS?
THAT'S THE RUDE SHOCK I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
THAT'S CHARLENE?
DID SHE SEE ME?
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, POLICE.
UH, NO. WON'T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH.
UH, SECURITY.
NO, SHE COULD PROBABLY TAKE HIM.
♪ I SAID I
[ WIND WHISTLING, CHIMES CLANKING ]
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]
♪ MY JUNGLE LOVE
♪ WHOO!
♪ YE-E-E-E-AH
UH, MONEY.
SHE'LL TAKE MONEY.
HI, HI. HERE, JUST -- H-HERE'S WHATEVER -- WHATEVER.
AND THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM...
if you just leave now.
No. Unh-unh, boyfriend. We got business.
Boyfriend?
Oh, didn't I tell you? Yeah, we're dating now.
Look, it's some kind of street talk.
It's street for "I'm not going nowhere
until you help my problem go away."
Look, Mrs. Arness, a very important client,
is due here any minute.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
UH, MR. SANDERSON?
OH, YES. HE'S IN THE DINING ROOM.
THANK YOU.
CHARLENE, HOW 'BOUT YOU AND I
HAVIN' A SMART COCKTAIL DOWN BY THE POOL?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WHO IS THIS FOOL?
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST PUT IT ON MY BILL.
I DON'T WANT NO SMART COCKTAIL.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
MISS. [ SNAPS FINGERS ]
ANOTHER MARTINI.
OH, HELL, NO. I KNOW SHE AIN'T TALKIN' TO ME.
ASHLEY, SHE DOESN'T WORK HERE.
WELL, IF SHE ISN'T HERE TO WORK, THEN WHAT IS SHE HERE FOR?
OH, HELLS NO, MISS THING. YOU BEST PUMP YOUR BRAKES.
LISTEN, SHE'S MY EX-WIFE'S SISTER.
I WOULD HAVE KILLED HER MYSELF YEARS AGO.
[ GASPS ] It's Mrs. Arness!
MMM. OLD IRON *** BE LOOKIN' MEAN.
YES, YES. NOW, YOU HAVE TO GO.
YOU LIKE RAW OYSTERS, CHARLENE?
YEAH. I GUESS I CAN HANG OUT FOR A BIT.
THEY GOT ANY HOT WINGS AROUND HERE?
All right, all right. Whatever you want. Yes, yes, yes.
Yes.
Around the clock.
And I'll leave when you expunge my record.
Consider it expunged.
All right. I'd like a key, please.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ KEYS JINGLING ]
MR. SANDERSON?
MRS. ARNESS.
WHO IS YOUR ASSOCIATE?
THIS IS, UH, HOWIE ROTTMAN,
THE ATTORNEY I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
A GREAT PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, MRS. ARNESS.
I MEANT HER.
OH.
HER?
HER?
HER IS -- HER --
WELL, IT'S MR. SANDERSON'S --
DAD, I'M BORED.
KIDS, HOW GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DON'T WE JUST LOVE OUR NANNY, CHARLENE?
UH -- UM... [ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH... [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Y-YEAH.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE BEING OUR NANNY, CHARLENE?
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
YESSIR.
[ LAUGHS ]
NOW I'M GONNA GO ON DOWN TO THE POOL WITH THE CHILD'N.
MAYBE WE MAKE FUN OF THE WHITE FOLKS AGAIN, HUH, KIDS?
OOH-HOO!
OH, THE KIDS JUST LOVE HER.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, PETER, I'M GOING TO, UH, HANG BY THE POOL.
IF YOU NEED ME, THAT'S WHERE I'LL BE.
MRS. ARNESS.
UH, RIGHT THIS WAY, MRS. ARNESS.
COME, WILLIAM.
YOU HAVE THE PAPERS?
OH, YES, YES, I DO.
STRANGE CLOTHES FOR A NANNY.
WELL, IT'S JUST -- IT'S A FASHION TO KIDS.
WILLIAM, MIND.
HELLO, SANDERSON FAMILY!
[ LAUGHS ]
GEORGEY, DON'T FORGET POKER NIGHT!
I WON'T.
HOW COULD I FORGET POKER NIGHT?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ FROGS CROAKING ]
I PROPOSE A TOAST.
OKAY.
MM-HMM.
[ INHALES DEEPLY ] TO US.
MAY WE ALWAYS --
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
SORRY. IT'S MINE.
OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA ANSWER THAT, ARE YOU?
WELL, I -- I --
IT MIGHT BE -- MIGHT BE ONE OF MY KIDS.
JUST ONE MINUTE.
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
SORRY.
[ BEEPS ]
HELLO?
HEY, IT'S ME.
Oh, hi, Ashley. Everything okay?
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] I DON'T KNOW.
I SAW PETER HANGING OUT AT THE CLUB TODAY.
HE WAS MINGLING WITH A LARGE BLACK WOMAN.
WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
He said it was his nanny.
She didn't look like any nanny I'd ever seen. She was all...
TATTOOED AND WELFARISH.
[ LAUGHING ]
OH, IS THAT FUNNY TO YOU? IS THAT FUNNY?
[ LAUGHING ]
Am I funny to you?
NO, NO. THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WERE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
OH, I WASN'T -- [ GIGGLES ]
STOP. GET AWAY.
No, I wasn't la-- laughing at you.
JUST...HANG ON.
UM, YOU KNOW, I -- I -- LOOK, I KNOW PETER. I KNOW HIM.
HE'S NOT GONNA SPEND ALL HIS TIME TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS.
HE -- HE WENT AND HIRED SOMEBODY!
SERIOUSLY, KATE! THIS WOMAN WAS NO NANNY.
YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING.
[ GASPS ]
Shouldn't you at least be looking at references?
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
LISTEN, PETER IS NOTHING IF NOT RESPONSIBLE.
I-IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GONNA HIRE A CONVICTED FELON.
OHH!
OKAY, LET'S SEE -- WE GOT RESISTING ARREST, ASSAULTING AN OFFICER,
REPEATED ATTEMPTS AT EYE-GOUGING,
AND...*** CRUSHING.
WELL, I WAS A LITTLE RILED UP, BEING FRAMED AND ALL.
AND YOUR CLOTHES AND I.D. WERE FOUND AT THE SCENE.
ALL PLANTS. I NEVER ROBBED NOBODY!
OKAY.
I KNOW MY RIGHTS. I GET AN APPEAL.
I GET AN APPEAL!
NO, YOU ONLY GET AN APPEAL IF YOU WERE CONVICTED AND INCARCERATED.
YOU WERE RELEASED.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST START OVER?
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND GET AT LEAST
A PASSING FAMILIARITY WITH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
I MEAN, IT'S NO END TO WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WITH A LITTLE COMMITMENT.
MY DAUGHTER SARAH IS FULLY COMMITTED,
AND SHE'S GOING PLACES.
[ VEHICLE DEPARTS ]
Howie: SO, IT'S A CHARITABLE REMAINDER TRUST.
THAT WAY, THE OLD TIGHTWAD GETS A HUGE DEDUCTION EVERY YEAR.
[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]
UH, NO MORE CALLS, SOFIA.
Charlene: Girl, get out!
Listen, I don't know who you are!
SEND HER IN.
BET YOU KNOW ME NOW, HUH?
THIS COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT?
WELL, WELL, WELL!
COME IN, HAVE A SEAT,
THANKS, HOMEBOY, AND, NO, IT CAN'T WAIT.
YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT.
I FOUND THE DEPOSITION.
THE PROSECUTION INTERVIEWED AN EYEWITNESS,
AND SHE TOLD THEM THAT THE PERPETRATOR DIDN'T HAVE A TATTOO ON THE CHEST.
THEY NEVER TOLD MY LAWYER ABOUT THIS ***.
EXCULPATORY EVIDENCE. PEOPLE vs. STANLEY, I KNOW.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
WHY WOULDN'T SHE KNOW THAT?
SHE'S GOT IT GOIN' ON.
DAMN, PETE, ALL I DID IN THERE WAS READ LAW BOOKS.
AND WITH COMPREHENSION.
MADE YOU THINK I WAS A LAWYER.
I MEAN, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE POCKETS OF INTELLIGENCE.
SO, WHY DO YOU WALK AND TALK AND ACT THE WAY YOU DO?
BECAUSE IT'S SEXY.
[ SCOFFS ] IT AIN'T ACTIN'!
THIS IS WHO I AM.
I MEAN, YOU THINK I CAN'T TALK LIKE YOU?
[ As Peter ] OH, PETER, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE!
IT'S SO STERILE, SO -- SO BLAND, SO WONDERFUL!
SEE? YOU CAN DO IT.
[ Normal voice ] OH, YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?
WELL, YOU CAN KISS MY NATURAL BLACK ***,
BECAUSE I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL.
NO, SHE DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL.
HEY, YOU DON'T THINK I COMPROMISE THE WAY I ACT?
YOU THINK I LIKE WALKING AROUND LIKE AN UPTIGHT...***?
YES. I KNOW YOUR LINGO.
[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]
OH, GOD.
WELL, THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
UH-OH. WHAT WE GOTTA DO, PLAY "HIDE THE SISTER"?
OR DO I GOTTA DO THAT SLAVE THING AGAIN?
JUST -- JUST ACT NATURAL.
RIGHT, WHY DON'T WE GET HER OUT?
[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
UM, UM, UM, UM, UM...
PETER...
HOWIE.
ED.
W-WHO IS THIS?
WELL, WE WERE JUST HAVING...
A MEETING...
I CAN SEE YOU ARE VERY BUSY, A VERY BUSY MAN, YOU ARE.
THAT'S WHY I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU
OFFERING YOUR SERVICES FREE OF CHARGE.
O-OH, I -- WELL, I JUST -- GOSH.
PETER...
WELL, SEE, MR. SANDERSON HERE,
BEING THE HEAVENLY MAN THAT HE IS --
GOD BLESS YOU!
OH, YOU GOT THAT ANOINTING ON YOU --
HAS OFFERED TO DO THE TAXES FOR THE COMPTON EVANGELISTIC
EPISCOPAL BAPTIST CHURCH OF SOUTH CENTRAL.
[ CHUCKLES ] YOU KNOW, JUST ANYTHING TO HELP
REVEREND SHACK...TILLFONT.
[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
JUST CALL HIM SHACK.
SHACK.
WELL, ANYWAY, I'LL LET YOU GUYS GO.
I'LL SEE YOU AT CHOIR REHEARSAL ON THURSDAY.
7:00, NOW!
♪ HE GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS ♪
♪ OH, THE WHOLE WORLD
TO THE ELEVATOR.
GENTLEMEN.
UH, PETER, WE'RE REALLY IN A CRUNCH.
I JUST GOT WORD THAT ANOTHER FIRM'S IN THE RUNNING
FOR THE R&S ACCOUNT.
WE NEED TO CLOSE THIS DEAL.
LOOK...
I HAVE NO PROBLEM BEING PETER'S WINGMAN ON THIS ONE.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THANKS ANYWAY, BUT I REALLY HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL,
SO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A THING, ED.
GOOD. THEN I'LL EXPECT YOU TO WRAP IT UP IN A DAY OR TWO.
WELL, THAT'S THE PLAN, CERTAINLY.
AH. [ CHUCKLES ]
WELL.
COULD YOU --
THANK YOU.
Thank you.
She can't tee up her own ball?
I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR MANY YEARS...
That's what it feels like.
...AND IT'S ALL ABOUT PATIENCE.
Peter: WELL, YOU BEAT ME BY 19.
Mrs. Arness: UH, LET'S MAKE IT 20.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, MRS. ARNESS, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE
ON THURSDAY AND POSSIBLY LOOK OVER THE CONTRACT.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK WITH MY SECRETARY, JULIA.
MRS. ARNESS, W-WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?
I JUST HAVE TO CHECK ON MY CHILDREN.
OH, OF COURSE. YOU DO THAT.
I'D LIKE TO DIP YOU IN CHEEZ ***
AND SPREAD YOU OVER A RITZ CRACKER, IF I'M NOT BEING TOO SUBTLE.
[ CHUCKLES ] BOY, YOU ARE SOME KIND OF FREAKY.
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU GOT ME STRAIGHT TRIPPIN', BOO.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HEY -- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ON A DATE.
YOU'RE -- SHE'S ON A DATE? S-SHE'S A FELON.
I AM NOT A FELON.
OH, GET USED TO IT, TWIGGY.
YOU'RE GONNA BE SEEING A LOT MORE OF ME AROUND HERE.
NOT WITHOUT A BROOM IN YOUR HAND.
IF I HAVE A BROOM, IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I'M HERE TO SWEEP UP THE WHITE TRASH.
SAVE IT FOR THE YMCA, JEMIMA.
***!
I'M GONNA KICK THE BULIMIA OUT OF YOUR ***!
YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK
TO THE *** BOTTLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF?
MRS. ARNESS IS HERE. I AM SHELTERING YOU. I'M HELPING YOU.
ALL RIGHT!
I'LL LET IT RIDE.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR LETTING IT RIDE. THAT IS WISE AND MATURE.
NOW, JUST, YOU KNOW, GET HER WALKING, YOU KNOW, THAT WAY, THAT WAY.
LET ME SHOW YOU THE PLACE, CHARLENE.
LOOKING GOOD, LOIS!
HEY, FREAK BOY...
I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF A LITTLE MORE LUSCIOUS FOR YOU, OKAY?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OKAY, PRECIOUS.
[ HINGES SQUEAK ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' IN HERE?
I TOLD YOU YOU WAS GONNA BE SEEIN' MORE OF ME, RIGHT?
LOOK, I CAME HERE TO WARN YOU.
YOU KEEP DISRESPECTING ME,
AND IT'S GONNA GET ROUGH AROUND HERE.
BACK OFF, SHANIQUA.
YOU DON'T SCARE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S IT.
YOU MUST NEED A LITTLE MORE EYE SHADOW, RIGHT? COME ON!
[ INTRO TO ROBERT PALMER'S "SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE" PLAYS ]
UHH!
♪ HOW CAN IT BE PERMISSIBLE?
YOU'VE MESSED WITH THE WRONG W.A.S.P., ***.
♪ SHE'S ANYTHING BUT TYPICAL
AAH!
♪ SHE'S A CRAZE YOU'D ENDORSE, SHE'S A POWERFUL FORCE ♪
♪ YOU'RE OBLIGED TO CONFORM WHEN THERE'S NO OTHER COURSE ♪
♪ SHE USED TO LOOK GOOD TO ME
♪ BUT NOW I FIND HER
UHH!
♪ SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE
COMPLIMENTS OF TAE-BO,
TWO HOURS A DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK.
♪ SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE
GRR! UHH!
OHH!
♪ SHE'S SO FINE, THERE'S NO
♪ SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE
♪ SHE'S ALL MINE,
♪ WHOA
HMM?
AH!
UHH!
AAAH! UHH!
COMPLIMENTS OF THE 'HOOD, 24 HOURS A DAY, ALL MY LIFE.
♪ OUR LIVES ARE INDIVISIBLE
♪ YEAH, YEAH
♪ SHE'S A CRAZE YOU'D ENDORSE
YOU KNOW...
FOR A SKINNY WHITE HO, YOU'RE PRETTY TOUGH.
♪ WELL, SHE USED TO LOOK GOOD TO ME ♪
AAAAH!
♪ SHE'S SO FINE
YAAAAH!
♪ SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE
AND I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN!
[ JAW CRACKING ]
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
[ HUMMING ]
"THE GIRL HAD DOU--"
"...BLE"
"DOUBLE D-CUPS."
THERE YOU GO. YOU GOT IT, LIL' MAN. [ CHUCKLES ]
"I PUT MY MOUTH ON HER NIP--"
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LETTING HIM READ TH--
HE READ. YOU READ.
GEORGEY, YOU READ.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I'M TURNING YOU IN!
PFFT. I FOUND IT IN YOUR DRAWER.
WELL, I AM A GROWN MAN OF 54 -- 41 -- 49 YEARS OLD,
AND HE'S 8, AND WHAT I READ IN THE PRIVACY OF MY --
HOW'D YOU DO IT?
OH, GOD, I'M NEVER GONNA GET THIS DONE.
LOOK, THE BOY DON'T LOOK CAREFULLY AT THE DETAILS IN A WORD,
SO MOST OF THE TIME, HE'S JUST GUESSIN'.
NOW, WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST SLOW IT DOWN
AND JUST GIVE HIM SOMETHIN' STIMULATIN' TO READ.
DAD?
WHAT'S A RACK? [Iraq]
IT'S A COUNTRY.
WELL...
I WAS JUST DOIN' IT 'CAUSE HE WAS BOTHERIN' ME.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
JUST PUT IT BACK IN MY ROOM, 'CAUSE I'LL GET RID OF IT, 'CAUSE I HAVE A SPECIAL...
[ MUFFLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
WELL, MRS. KLINE, HOW WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
COME IN!
IT'S GIRLS POKER NIGHT AT THE HOUSE.
WHERE'S MY LITTLE DEALER?
WELL, JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE, AND I WILL JUST -- I WILL JUST GO GET HIM.
GEORGEY, MRS. KLINE IS HERE!
HI, MRS. KLINE.
COME ON, GEORGEY!
TONIGHT, I'M GONNA TEACH YOU TO BLUFF.
[ MUFFLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ]
AND I THINK WE NEED TO COMB YOUR HAIR DIFFERENTLY.
I'M NOT A ***!
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
OH, GOOD EVENING, SIR. HI, UM...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
DAD, UM,
I DON'T WANT YOU TO FREAK OUT, OKAY?
WHY WOULD I FREAK OUT?
WELL... [ CLEARS THROAT ]
DAD, THIS IS AARON.
HI.
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
I-I'M -- I'M SO GLAD TO ACTUALLY MEET YOU.
I-I-I-I TOLD SARAH THAT IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH ME
TAKING HER TO MY PARENTS FOR DINNER.
SO, THIS IS A DATE?
OH, UM, I'LL HAVE HER HOME BY 11:00 AT THE LATEST, SIR?
I GUESS THAT'D BE ALL RIGHT.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SIGHS ]
♪ I SEE YOU STANDIN' BY...
ALL RIGHT. DID IT WORK?
[ Chuckles ] YEAH, LIKE A CHARM, MY FRIEND.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S PARTY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, WATCH THE SEATS.
OH, SHUT UP.
NO, I'M SERIOUS. IT'S LEATHER.
HMM.
WELL, LOOK AT YOU, ALL GROWED UP.
THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT IN THE HOUSE.
YEAH. YOU COMIN' TO A POINT?
WELL, I'M HUNGRY. ARE YOU?
YOU ASKIN' ME OUT?
WELL, NO, I'M NOT.
YES, I AM.
OKAY.
♪ YOU KNOW, UH
♪ EVERY TIME I SEE YOU WALKIN' BY ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO FINE, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRY ♪
♪ THAT'S HOW I FEEL
♪ GIRL, YOU KNOW IT'S REAL
♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK NOWHERE ♪
♪ GIRL, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE
♪ BABY...
OH, LOOK AT THE LEGS ON THIS WINE.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS PLACE IS BANGIN'.
DON'T YOU JUST MEAN, "THIS IS NICE"?
WHY THE WORD "BANGIN'" MAKE YOU SO UPTIGHT?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU'RE SMART.
IF YOU'D JUST DEIGN TO SPEAK ENGLISH
WITH WHAT YOU LEARNED ON THE INTERNET AND IN PRISON,
YOU COULD BE A PARALEGAL TOMORROW.
OH, PLEASE. LIKE THEY GONNA BE BEATIN' DOWN MY DOOR TO LET ME IN SCHOOL.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE EXACTLY THE KIND OF PERSON THEY WANT.
WELL, WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY?
I'VE BEEN TO YOUR OFFICE.
EVERYBODY'S ALL UPTIGHT, OVERWORKED,
TIRED, STRESSED-OUT, DON'T SEE THEIR FAMILY.
"OOH, ED IS COMIN'." "OOH, TOBIAS."
I GET A WEDGIE JUST WALKING IN YOUR OFFICE.
HEY, IT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. THEY WORK.
LOOK, ALL I'M SAYIN' IS I DID THE CONFINEMENT THING
FOR FOUR YEARS.
NOW, IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED WITH MY FUTURE,
JUST HELP ME CLEAR MY NAME.
I GOT IT FROM THERE.
I GOT MY OWN DREAMS, MY OWN GOALS.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
[ CRUNCHES ]
HEY! WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?!
THIS IS MY PHONE!
THAT'S PROBABLY WHY YOUR WIFE LEFT YOUR SORRY ***.
YEAH. OKAY, OPRAH,
IF YOU'RE SO GOOD AT RELATIONSHIPS,
HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
I HAD ONE.
IT'S JUST I HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD FROM HIM SINCE I WENT IN FOUR YEARS AGO.
WERE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?
[ INTRO TO KELLY PRICE'S "AIN'T NOBODY" PLAYS ]
♪ MM-MMM
♪ OOH OOH OOH
♪ WHOO!
♪ CAPTURED EFFORTLESSLY
♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS
HA HA HA HA -- NO.
COME ON. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU DANCED?
AT MY WEDDING.
DON'T WORRY, I CAN DANCE.
COME ON, SMOOTH.
SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE WORKIN' WITH. COME ON.
I CAN DANCE. I JUST DON'T WANT TO DANCE.
MAN, YOU CAN'T DANCE.
LET ME SEE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, ONE LAST LITTLE DRINK HERE.
♪ AIN'T NOBODY
♪ OHH
♪ LOVES ME BETTER
WHAT, YOU GOT TO PEE?
THIS WAS BIG IN HIGH SCHOOL.
MAN, LOOK, YOU CAN'T DANCE FROM YOUR BRAIN.
YOU GOTTA FEEL IT. NOW, COME ON.
SHOW ME HOW YOU MADE THEM KIDS.
♪ MAKES ME FEEL THIS WAY
♪ O-O-OOH
HOW'S THIS?
THAT'S GREAT FOR AN EPILEPTIC. COME ON, NOW, COME ON.
YOU GOTTA MOVE YOUR PELVIS WITH IT.
MORE HIPS. THERE YOU GO.
GET SMOOTH WITH IT.
♪ I CAN'T RESIST THIS SWEET SURRENDER ♪
WELL, I'M SORRY. I-I CAN'T HELP IT, I DO.
I MISS HIM.
OH, SNAP OUT OF IT, ALREADY.
I'M SNAPPED. I'M SNAPPY.
♪ AND WHAT WE SEE IS NO SURPRISE ♪
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
OH, GOD, ASH.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE HIT BY A CAR.
DID YOU CALL A LAWYER?
OH, I CAN'T TALK TO A LAWYER. I WAS JAYWALKING.
SO, CAN WE JUST STOP --
[ GASPS ]
OH, MY GOD.
♪ MAKES ME FEEL THIS WAY
WHAT?
♪ AIN'T NOBODY LOVES ME BETTER ♪
♪ MAKES ME HAPPY
[ GASPS ]
LOOK AT THAT!
OH, MY GOD, IT'S TRUE. LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THAT!
♪ MAKES ME HAPPY
HE NEVER DANCED LIKE THAT WITH ME.
I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.
NO! SIT!
Why?
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
IF I TALK ABOUT IT,
GANGSTER PEOPLE WILL COME TO MY HOUSE AND CUT ME.
OH. [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
OH, HE ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A FUN PERSON.
[ SOBS ]
[ Sobbing ] MUST'VE BEEN ME.
WAS IT ME?
NO. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. IT'S HIM.
CAN WE JUST GET OUT OF HERE? NOW?
[ SOBS ] YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --
ONCE YOU GO BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK.
[ SOBBING ]
Can we get the check, please?
[ SOBS ]
♪ I FEEL LIKE NO ONE COULD FEEL ♪
♪ I MUST BE DREAMIN'
♪ I WANT THIS DREAM TO BE REAL ♪
♪ I NEED THIS FEELIN'
♪ I MAKE MY WISH UPON A STAR ♪
♪ AND HOPE THIS NIGHT WILL LAST FOREVER ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH
♪ AIN'T NOBODY
♪ NOBODY
♪ NO ONE LOVE ME
♪ MAKES ME FEEL THIS WAY
♪ AIN'T NOBODY
AND THAT'S WHY I WORKED SO HARD,
SO I COULD GIVE KATE A GOOD LIFE,
THEN IT BACKFIRED!
MAN, *** DON'T CARE NOTHIN' ABOUT THAT ***.
OH, *** DO TOO CARE.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU A SECRET --
SOMETIMES I DRIVE BY OUR OLD HOUSE,
AND I JUST LOOK AT IT, AND I JUST REMEMBER OUR LIFE, AND IT JUST HURTS!
WHAT?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET HER BACK.
HOW?
WELL, FIRST, WE GOTTA CREATE A MOOD.
[ INTRO TO BARRY WHITE'S "I'M GONNA LOVE YOU JUST A LITTLE MORE, BABE" PLAYS ]
OOH.
I'M ALREADY THERE.
YEAH. NOW, FEEL THE BARRY.
SEE?
YEAH.
THIS IS KATE.
HEY, KATE. YEAH.
I WANT YOU TO TALK NASTY TO HER!
TALK NASTY!
[ Slurred ] I'D LIKE TO KISS YOU A LOT.
WHAT?
A BEAST!
YEAH! IN THE BEDROOM, A WOMAN WANTS A MAN
THAT KNOWS HOW TO RIDE HER WHEN SHE BUCKS.
RIDE 'EM WHEN SHE BUCKS! RIDE 'EM!
IT'S JUST -- I CAN'T. IT'S A SCULPTURE. I JUST CAN'T.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
USE ME, THEN.
HUH?
DAMN IT, GRAB THESE.
GRAB 'EM!
OHH!
♪ RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR ♪
OH, I GET IT, YEAH.
UH-HUH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, WHAT YOU GONNA DO TO HER?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO!
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN AROMATHERAPY MASSAGE WITH INCENSE!
NO! COME ON, NOW!
WIMPS GIVE AROMATHERAPY MASSAGES!
TELL HER AGAIN!
ALL RIGHT!
I'M GONNA HAVE...
*** INTERCOURSE, BABY!
NO, YOU -- YOU A BEAST! YOU NEED SOME OF THESE.
COJONES GRANDE!
YEAH! I'M GONNA PUT 'EM IN MY PANTS!
NOW, GRAB 'EM!
GRAB 'EM!
NOW, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
YEAH, MAMA! YOU GONNA BE MY *** LITTLE WOMAN?
DAMN RIGHT! NOW GET TO HUMPIN'!
WHOA!
[ LAUGHS ] YEAH!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO POUNCE ON YOU
I LIKE IT! I LIKE IT!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'!
YOU AIN'T -- YOU AIN'T JUST NO KING OF THE JUNGLE,
YOU OWN THAT JUNGLE!
THAT'S YOUR PRIDE!
YOU OWN THAT JUNGLE, AND AIN'T NO ONE
YEAAAH!
THAT'S RIGHT! I LIKE THAT.
YEAH! YOU AIN'T READY FOR THAT ***! COME ON, NOW!
BE A BEAST! WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN SHE STARTS RIDIN', HUH?
HUH? HUH? HUH?
YOU'RE MINE, KATE!
YOU DON'T NEED THESE NO MORE.
YOU GOT YOUR OWN!
YOU FOUND YOUR BALLS!
YEAH, I DON'T NEED THOSE BALLS!
I GOT MY OWN BALLS!
♪ ...OR ANYPLACE
♪ I'M GONNA LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU... ♪
MANDINGO!
WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE IS NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,
BUT IF IT BEGINS TO AFFECT THE FIRM, WE NEED TO CALL ATTENTION TO IT.
GUYS, WE WERE MOVING A STATUE, AND WE LOST OUR FOOTING, AND WE FELL.
MY SISTER'S UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT YOU WERE *** YOUR NANNY.
I WAS NOT *** MY NANNY!
PETER, SURELY YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF MRS. ARNESS
WERE TO SUSPECT ANY INSTABILITY ON YOUR PART...
THERE IS NO INSTABILITY IN MY HOME.
Widow: YOU SURE YOU CAN TRUST THIS GUY?
Charlene: WELL, HEY, HE'S HELPING ME REOPEN MY CASE.
Y'ALL GOT ANY LEADS?
WELL, A STILL FROM THE BANK SURVEILLANCE CAMERA
IS ON ITS WAY HERE, AND WE FOUND A DEPOSITION THAT COULD HELP.
WELL, THAT'S COOL, BABY.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP,
ANYTHING... YOU JUST HOLLER.
I GOTTA RUN.
HEY, WIDOW, IF YOU MEANT WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
IT'S NOT GONNA BE AN EASY JOB.
I KNOW IT AIN'T.
I JUST GOTTA KNOW THAT IF THINGS GET ROUGH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA RUN OUT ON ME.
I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOUR YEARS FOR THIS.
I AIN'T GONNA MESS UP.
[ CHUCKLES ]
MMM.
OOH!
PLANNING ANOTHER HEIST?
NO. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT WAS HEARING THE WORDS "JOB" AND "HOT"
BANDIED BETWEEN TWO TATTOOED PEOPLE?
PETER, THAT WAS JUST MY OLD BOYFRIEND I TOLD YOU ABOUT,
WIDOW.
HE'S JUST TRYIN' TO GET BACK WITH ME.
MM-HMM.
I'M TELLIN' YOU THE TRUTH!
LOOK, I JUST DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE HIM,
BECAUSE WIDOW, HE -- HE AIN'T BEEN THE BEST BOYFRIEND,
AND I KNEW HE'D BE ALL OVER ME.
NOW YOU SUDDENLY CARE WHAT I THINK?
NO.
MAYBE.
A LITTLE BIT.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
NO MORE LATE VISITS?
WORD.
CONVICTED FELON'S HONOR?
INNOCENT CONVICTED FELON'S HONOR.
NOW, GIVE ME SOME DAP,
WHAT DO I DO?
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
POW, LIKE THAT.
HELLO?
YEAH?
Hey, sweetie.
I-IS CHARLENE THERE?
YEAH, SHE'S HERE. DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?
Yeah, I-I'm...
ALL RIGHT.
GIRL TALK.
WHAT UP, DOG?
I NEED YOU TO COME PICK ME UP. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
WHERE YOU AT?
I'M ON THE CORNER OF VENICE AND CANAL,
and there's a whole lot of people out front.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, JUST -- JUST CALM DOWN. I'M COMIN' TO GET YOU.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO CALL.
IT'S COOL. WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HEY, SARAH, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO? HEE HEE!
IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND?
NO, HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
I LIKED HIS FRIEND, MIKE,
AND WE HUNG OUT A FEW TIMES, AND HE WAS ALWAYS REALLY NICE,
BUT THEN...ALL HE WANTED TO DO TONIGHT WAS HAVE SEX,
I MEAN, HE JUST -- HE MOVED IN KIND OF ROUGH, AND --
I'VE NEVER --
GO WAIT DOWNSTAIRS.
YO, MIKE!
PLEASE, DON'T KILL ME!
OH, GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?!
PULL ME UP! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
SARAH!
MIKE HAS SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO YOU.
SAY "SORRY"!
I-I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! GOD, I AM SORRY!
SAY "NO MEANS NO."
NO MEANS NO!
[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]
She was where?!
Calm down. It's just --
She's 15! Wait!
G-- well -- oh!
Look...
Sarah don't need a warden.
She needs her father -- you --
so you can't get mad, all right?
You do it, she'll never tell you anything again.
All right. I get it. I get it.
Just be cool. Just -- Just play it cool, you know what I mean?
Just listen to her. Let her do the talkin'.
I am listening to you!
Thank you.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
Don't trip.
Don't trip.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
SO...
YOU WENT OUT WITH A BOY...
AND HE TOOK YOU TO A PARTY,
WHERE KIDS WERE...DRINKING
AND "TRIPPIN' ON E."...
AND THEN HE TOOK YOU UP TO A ROOM
WHERE HE TRIED TO...
"GET ALL UP IN THAT..."
WHICH HE...DIDN'T?
AND THEN CHARLENE CAME --
IN MY NEW CAR -- AND BROUGHT YOU HOME
AFTER FIRST... "BITCHSLAPPING" HIM.
WELL...
...THAT WAS SOME NIGHT.
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ] OH, DAD!
[ LAUGHS ]
NO.
OH! THIS IS SO GREAT! I WANT EVERYTHING OUT IN THE OPEN!
OH, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO TELL YOU!
[ Muffled ] AAAAAAAAAH!
[ OPENS DRAWER ]
[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
[ Muffled ] AAAAAAAAAH!
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
[ GROANS ]
KATE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
IT'S MY SHORTCUT HOME FROM WORK.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IS NOT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THE MOUNTAINS?
WELL, YEAH, I-I CAME BACK EARLY.
THERE WERE BEARS THAT WERE MAULING THE CAMPERS
AND EATING THEM.
WOW.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT...
NOTHING WENT WRONG WITH YOUR --
OH, NO, NO. HE'S GREAT.
YEAH, I LIKED HIM.
SO, HOW'S YOUR...
MY WHAT?
YOUR LIFE?
ANYTHING HIP AND NEW?
NO.
UM...
I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH THE KIDS, THOUGH.
GOOD. GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN WITH HER.
THEM.
[ SCOFFS ] WHAT?
YOU LOOK, UM...
YEAH.
RESTED.
[ SCOFFS ]
NICE. YOU LOOK NICE.
SO, UM, I GUESS I'LL COME BY LATER AND PICK UP THE KIDS?
OH, UH, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD KEEP THEM THROUGH FRIDAY.
REALLY? YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY?
NO.
W-WELL, YES, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S WONDERFUL, PETER.
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
[ SIGHS ]
GO AHEAD.
SORRY.
HELLO?
Charlene: Yo, get your butt home, dog.
I WILL BE HOME IN MY OWN SWEET TIME, GIRLFRIEND.
No, you gotta come now.
ARNESS SAID SHE ON HER WAY OVER HERE.
OH, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT.
OH, I'M SORRY. I-I-I HAVE TO GO.
I JUST FORGOT ABOUT SOMETHING,
BUT I WANT TO -- I WANT TO CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION,
SO I WILL CALL YOU, OR YOU CAN CALL ME ON MY CELL.
BYE!
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES ]
[ VEHICLE DEPARTS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
[ EMERGENCY BRAKE ENGAGES ]
NO!
THE PLACE IS A MESS!
[ KEYS CLATTERING ]
[ BEEPS ]
HEY, HEY, HEY -- GET UPSTAIRS AND GET READY!
COME ON -- AND WHAT ARE YOU READING?!
GET UP THERE! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
WHAT MINUTE?
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT.
[ CHOPPING ]
Kids! She's here!
MRS. ARNESS?
OH! I'LL GET RIGHT TO THE POINT, MR. SANDERSON.
THERE ARE RUMORS CIRCULATING THAT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
AND YOUR HOME ARE IN DISARRAY,
AND THIS MAKES ME FEEL VERY UNSETTLED.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHO MISINFORMED YOU, BUT PLEASE, COME IN.
I'D HATE TO THINK YOU'RE UNDER ANY MISAPPREHENSION ABOUT ME OR MY FAMILY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
SARAH? GEORGEY?
YOU REMEMBER MRS. ARNESS?
SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
UM, FATHER, WHEN YOU HAVE A MOMENT,
WOULD YOU MIND HELPING ME WITH MY REPORT ON QUEEN VICTORIA?
SURE, KITTEN.
AND DON'T FORGET, POP, TOMORROW YOU HAVE TO COME TO SCHOOL
AND HELP HAND OUT THE FOOD TO THE POOR KIDS.
HAVE I EVER FORGOTTEN TO HELP THE POOR KIDS?
NO, POP. NEVER.
IN TRUTH, MR. SANDERSON,
YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME.
THANK YOU.
AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE VERY WELL-BEHAVED.
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH, WILLIAM.
OH, LOOK!
HE'S EVEN TAKEN A FANCY TO YOUR BOY.
[ Laughs ] THAT'S SO SWEET.
ANYWAY, WE CAN GO TO THE DEN AND GET THE CONTRACTS --
WHAT IS THAT HEAVENLY SMELL?
[ SNIFFS ] AH, THAT WOULD BE CHARLENE PREPARING DINNER.
ANYWAY, THE CONTRACTS --
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SMELLED HOME COOKING LIKE THAT SINCE I WAS A CHILD?
REALLY? ANYWAY --
BRINGS BACK SUCH HAPPY MEMORIES.
DOES IT? ANYWAY, THE -- ACTUALLY, THE DEN IS CLOSER --
YOUR TABLE LOOKS SO INVITING.
YES. IT'S TOO BAD IT'S SO SMALL.
SMALL?
WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S BIG, ISN'T IT?
IT'S A BIG TABLE, SO...
THERE WOULD BE ROOM FOR ONE MORE.
OH, WELL, IF IT'S NOT AN IMPOSITION...
OH...OH.
WELL, LET ME JUST GO CHECK IF THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD.
I'M NOT -- I'M NOT SURE,
BECAUSE, UH, ACTUALLY, THIS IS THE NIGHT OF, UH,
YIMINUM, THE, UH -- THE HOLIDAY WHERE
WHITE PEOPLE EAT VERY LITTLE PORTIONS
BECAUSE THAT WAS THE NIGHT THE LORD CAME DOWN,
AND HE WAS -- HE WAS GIVEN FOOD,
AND THERE WAS JUST TOO MUCH, AND HE SAID, "NO."
AND SO, HE HAD A SMALLER PORTION,
AND THAT'S WHY WE MIGHT NOT HAVE ENOUGH.
SO, I'LL JUST GO CHECK ON, UH, WHAT THE LORD WOULD SAY. JUST ONE SECOND.
COME HERE, WILLIAM.
HEY, COME HERE. ARE YOU HUNGRY?
CHARLENE...
IF THERE WAS EVER A TIME I NEEDED A FAVOR, IT'S NOW.
OKAY, YOU GOT IT, BABY. ANYTHING.
OH, THANK YOU!
[ GRUNTS ]
[ PAPER RUSTLING ]
OH. MRS. ARNESS?
Y-YES? OH, YES.
[ SIGHS ]
MY FAMILY AND I ARE PLEASED TO INVITE YOU FOR DINNER.
YEAH, OH.
WELL, VERY WELL. I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS.
UH, BUT IF YOU INSIST.
OF COURSE.
DINNER IS SERVED.
I WAS RAISED IN THE SOUTH, YOU KNOW.
THAT SMELLS JUST LIKE OUR IVY'S JAMBALAYA.
SHE WAS SO WONDERFUL.
WE PAID HER NOTHING, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW.
BUT, THEN, PEOPLE HAD STANDARDS OF SERVICE IN THOSE DAYS.
AND, OF COURSE, IVY DID KNOW
THAT YOU SERVE FROM THE LEFT AND COLLECT FROM THE RIGHT.
DON'T... STOP AT THAT STORY
BECAUSE I-I JUST LOVE HEARING ABOUT YOUR PAST.
THAT IS FASCINATING.
[ SNAPS ]
OH, YES.
WELL, ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING...
[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ Laughing ] Yeah.
YEAH. FAST-ACTIN'.
[ Laughing ] FAST-ACTIN'.
[ GIGGLING ]
OOH, I'M GONNA GET YOU.
I'M GONNA GET YOU.
UH-HUH. I'LL SERVE YOUR FOOD RIGHT.
WAS IT THE LEFT? WAS IT THE RIGHT?
FATHER'S WORK WITH THE PASADENA REPUBLICAN YOUTH GROUP
HAS TRULY BEEN INVALUABLE.
I HOPE Y'ALL BROUGHT Y'ALL APPETITES.
[ Chuckling ] OH, YES.
I BROUGHT MINE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
UH, THIS IS MUCH TOO MUCH FOR ME.
I-I'LL NEVER GET THROUGH ALL THAT.
WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE LESS HERE. I'LL TRADE WITH YOU.
OH.
THANK YOU.
[ SIGHS ]
NOTHING, SIR.
OH.
OH, THIS FOOD IS SO DELICIOUS.
SERVES HIM RIGHT, ANYWAY,
MAKIN' ME WEAR THIS STINKIN' OUTFIT.
YOU'RE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND SUCH TALENTED HELP.
[ SIGHS ]
WELL, OUR IVY WAS WITH US FOR SO LONG,
WE REALLY THOUGHT OF HER AS ONE OF THE FAMILY.
HMM.
AND AFTER EVERY MEAL,
MY MOTHER WOULD SCRAPE ALL THE FOOD WE HADN'T EATEN
AND PUT IT ON ONE BIG PLATE AND GIVE IT TO IVY.
[ SIGHS DEEPLY ]
CHARLENE...
WHAT IS THAT PARTICULAR TASTE?
I -- IT IS D-- IT'S FAMILIAR, YET --
IS IT SOME KIND OF HERB LIKE SAGE?
NO, IT'S SORT OF MORE LIKE A MILK OF MINT.
MILK OF --
WHATEVER IT IS, THE TASTE IS EXPLOSIVE.
MMM.
WELL, GOOD, THEN.
ENJOY.
OH, JUST ONE MOMENT.
UH, YOU KNOW, UH,
THERE'S A LOVELY, SAD *** SPIRITUAL...
[ COUGHS ]
...THAT IVY'S BROTHER USED --
UH, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
ANYWAY, IVY'S BROTHER USED TO SING THIS WHEN HE CAME IN
FROM THE TOBACCO FIELDS.
♪ HMM, MAMA
♪ IS MASTER GOING TO SELL US TOMORROW? ♪
♪ YES
♪ YES
♪ YES
♪ MAMA
♪ IS MASTER GOING TO SELL US TOMORROW? ♪
♪ YES
♪ YES
♪ YES
♪ MAMA
♪ IS MASTER GOING TO SELL ME TOMORROW? ♪
[ DISHES CLANKING, FALLING ]
♪ YES, YES
♪ GO WATCH
♪ AND PRAY
NOW, THERE'S A SECOND VERSE
IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN IN THE CHORUS.
♪ MAMA
[ STOMACH GURGLES ]
♪ IS MASTER GOING TO SELL US IN GEORG-- ♪
[ GURGLING, RUMBLING ]
[ GURGLING, RUMBLING CONTINUE ]
HUH. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ CHUCKLES ] THAT'S AN UNUSUAL FEELING.
[ LAUGHING ]
[ GURGLING, RUMBLING INTENSIFY ]
DAD?
ARE YOU OKAY?
UH!
HMM.
[ CHUCKLES ]
HA HA!
♪ HALLE
♪ HALLELUJAH
AH HA HA HA!
MMM. HA! HA HA HA HA!
WHOA!
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
I HOPE YOUR FATHER'S ALL RIGHT.
DOES THIS HAPPEN OFTEN?
WELL, [CHUCKLES] IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US.
UM...
GEORGEY, LET'S GO WATCH THAT BIOGRAPHY ON FRANCIS DRAKE.
[ SIGHS ]
WE-- I MEAN,
HE -- HE SEEMED TO BE SO MOVED BY THAT SONG.
OH, HE MOVIN' ALL RIGHT.
[ TOILET FLUSHES ]
[ GROWLS ]
WILLIAM?
THE FBI NEEDS YOUR HELP
IN FINDING FUGITIVE AT LARGE, CHARLENE MORTON.
CHARLENE IS AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMALE, 31 YEARS OF AGE...
[ SNEEZES ]
WHAT IS IT?
...AND 5'6", 175 POUNDS,
WITH A TATTOO ON HER LEFT BREAST.
CONVICTED OF ARMED ROBBERY,
CHARLENE IS CONSIDERED CUNNING AND HIGHLY DANGEROUS.
[ SILVERWARE CLANKS ]
HAVING ESCAPED FROM THE WOMEN'S CORRECTIONAL FACILITY
OUTSIDE LOS ANGELES A MERE SIX DAYS AGO,
MORTON IS SUSPECTED TO BE ARMED.
THIS BANK SURVEILLANCE TAPE SHOWS CHARLENE WIELDING A GUN
AND HOLDING A CUSTOMER HOSTAGE.
CHARLENE IS CONSIDERED DANGEROUS AND MAY BE ARMED.
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING CHARLENE MORTON,
PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL FBI OFFICE.
THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CRIMINALS AT LARGE."
GOOD NIGHT AND BE SAFE.
MRS. ARNESS, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
PETE, LOOK, BEFORE YOU LOSE IT, JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.
THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT, PETE.
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SCOFFS ]
ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET MY STUFF.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE ]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU SAW HER AND WHERE IS SHE?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS.
[ Singsong voice ] DON'T DROP THE SOAP.
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
WHY, I JUST DON'T BELIEVE THIS, PETER.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER.
I HATE THE FACT THAT SHE'S OUT THERE ALL ALONE.
OH, YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE POOR, INNOCENT,
FRAIL CREATURE WHO CAN HARDLY TAKE CARE OF HERSELF ON THE STREET?
WHAT ABOUT ME? TOBIAS IS GONNA FIRE ME!
OH, AND ANOTHER GOODY --
IF ARNESS CALLS THE COPS, I COULD GO TO JAIL!
HERE'S THE LOCAL NUMBER FOR THE BUREAU.
THE FBI TAKES HARBORING A FUGITIVE VERY SERIOUSLY.
YOU, GENTLEMEN,
WILL BE THE FIRST TO HEAR FROM ME.
ARNESS DIDN'T CALL THE COPS, SHE CALLED THE FBI.
I HAVE SEEN YOU.
NO, I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME.
I'M LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU, PETER.
WHAT ARE YOU -- WH-- WH-- PETER?
IF YOU DO HEAR FROM HER,
PLEASE TELL HER THE COOL POINTS ARE OUT THE WINDOW AND...
SHE'S GOT ME ALL TWISTED UP IN THE GAME.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
[ KEYS JINGLE ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
WHY YOU MESSIN' WITH LENE?
I'M NOT MESSING WITH HER, I'M HELPING HER.
***!
[ HORN HONKS ]
UH! I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH!
LISTEN UP. YOU DO NOT REOPEN THIS CASE.
FROM NOW ON I'M HELLIN' IT FOR HER.
I'M NOT GONNA REOPEN THE CASE. THE CASE IS CLOSED.
STAY OUT OF HER LIFE.
IF I GOT TO COME BACK HERE, THINGS ARE GONNA GET BLOODY.
[ HORN HONKS ]
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST FINISH THIS NOW.
[ GRUNTS ]
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
WE HAVE TO FIND CHARLENE.
I THOUGHT YOU HATED CHARLENE.
I KNEW IT.
WHERE AM I GONNA FIND HER?
WELL, YOU CAN CALL HER.
HOW CAN I CALL HER, IF I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS?
[ GAME BEEPING ]
I GAVE HER YOUR PHONE, IN CASE YOU MIGHT --
MY NEW CELLPHONE?
YOU GAVE HER MY NEW $600 TITANIUM CELLPHONE?
GOOD IDEA. COME ON.
W-WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ BEEPS ]
METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART. HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
I KNOW WHO SET YOU UP.
WHAT?! WHO?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
GET IN.
SO, WHAT'S UP?
THE GUY PUTS A GUN TO MY HEAD
AND TELLS ME NOT TO REOPEN THE CASE.
AND I'M THINKING, "WHY IS HE DOING THIS?"
AND THEN IT DAWNS ON ME, IT'S BECAUSE HE WAS INVOLVED.
GOD DAMN HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WIDOW DID THIS TO ME.
WHERE DO YOU THINK HE IS?
I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY DOWNTOWN AT THIS CLUB HE HANG OUT AT
CALLED THE DOWN LOW.
GOT TO GET A CONFESSION.
YOU CAN'T GO THERE.
EH, MAN, I'M SERIOUS.
A WHITE MAN AT THE DOWN LOW
IS EITHER A COP, A CORPSE, OR A CRACKHEAD.
YOU CAN'T EVEN TALK 'HOOD.
I'LL FIGURE OUT SOMETHING. OH!
AND HOWIE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU
THAT "THE COOL POINTS ARE OUT THE WINDOW,
AND YOU GOT HIM ALL TWISTED UP IN THE GAME."
REALLY?
THAT'S THE NICEST THING ANYBODY'S EVER SAID TO ME.
I'M GONNA DROP YOU OFF HERE
BECAUSE I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE, UH,
FOR A CONFERENCE CALL.
SO, I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE BIT.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY, COOL.
[ CELLPHONE SPEED-DIALS ]
YEAH, FREAK BOY, I NEED A RIDE.
CAN YOU COME NOW?
DAMN. A STRAIGHT, COLD ***.
LOOKS LIKE GENDLER BEAT US TO HER.
I CAN ASSURE YOU, MRS. ARNESS,
PETER SANDERSON IS NO LONGER AFFILIATED
WITH TOBIAS, KLINE, AND BARNES.
GOOD.
YOU HAVE GREAT ANKLES.
WHAT?!
WERE YOU A DANCER?
YEAH -- WELL, YES. I WAS.
I BET YOU HAD GREAT PRESENCE.
[ CHUCKLING ]
OH. HOW YOU TWO DOIN'?
I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTIN' ANYTHING.
YOU'RE NASTY.
W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PLEASE, MRS. ARNESS,
I'M NOT HERE TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE A FIRST.
JULIA? JULIA?
JULIA A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW.
PLEASE, I JUST NEED YOU TO HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE.
PETER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS. I AM.
I MEAN, THE GUY IS A GREAT LAWYER.
AND HE'S ONE OF THE MOST DECENT MEN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
I DOUBT THAT'S SAYING MUCH.
SHUT UP, FOOL.
NOW, IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE LENGTHS HE'S WILLING TO GO TO TO HELP A FRIEND.
LISTEN...
SISTER...
"SISTER"?
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO SANDERSON,
AND THE WHOLE "JUNGLE FEVER" THING
THE TWO OF YOU GOT GOIN' ON, BEFORE I CALL THE COPS?
THAT'S IT, PRETTY BOY. YOU EVER MET THE BIG HURT?
THE WHO?
OH!
[ TOY SQUEAKS ]
I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU!
AND WHY NOT?
YOU'LL BE INSTANTLY RETURNED TO PRISON WHERE YOU BELONG.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.
HOW DARE YOU!
TO HELL WITH WHAT I JUST SAID.
YOU OBVIOUSLY ONE OF THEM HARD LEARNERS.
HOWIE?
THIS IS MY HOUSE!
I WILL NOT BE TOLD TO DO WHAT I --
[ RECEIVER CLICKS ]
WILLIAM.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
THE KIDS.
I'M KATE SANDERSON. HAVE YOU SEEN MY KIDS?
[ Sighing ] OH!
HEY!
[ Sighing ] OH, GOD!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
IT'S JUST THE FBI, MOM.
YEAH, THEY'RE JUST DOING A, LIKE, SEARCH.
FOR WHAT?
WELL, FOR CHARLENE. BUT SHE'S NOT --
THE FBI IS LOOKING FOR YOUR NANNY?
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE ]
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
MAN, TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
I SAID, BACK OFF ME, PUNK!
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
YOU DON'T WANT NONE OF THIS, NOW.
EXCUSE ME...
HOMEBOYS...
♪ FOOL, WE GONNA RUN THIS ONE
♪ YEAH, UH-HUH
♪ CHECK IT OUT
♪ THIS CASH MONEY KILLIN' ME, BABY ♪
♪ YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT
♪ WHERE YA AT, LIL' BOY?
♪ YEAH
♪ CASH MONEY
♪ CASH MONEY
SAY, YO. YOU GOT A BATHROOM IN THERE?
♪ AND LET ME SLIDE IN THE BENZ WITH THE FISHED OUT FINS ♪
♪ HIT THE MALL WITH MY GIRLFRIEND'S DISHED OUT ENDS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT AIN'T TRICKIN' IF YOU GOT IT ♪
♪ COME, BABY GIRL, WHAT YOU DESIRE ♪
♪ IT'S CHUMP CHANGE, MAMA...
SAY, YO, WHAT'S THE DEALIO?
MMM. WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
BACK THAT *** UP AND PUT IT ON THE GLASS.
ANYBODY HERE DIG WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
♪ ...CADILLAC TRUCK, 28's NO RUB ♪
♪ FLYIN' IN MY BENZ, BENZ ♪
SO...
YOUR NANNY WAS DOING TIME...
FOR ARMED ROBBERY.
AND THEN SHE BROKE OUT OF PRISON...
...AND THEN SHE CAME HERE.
BUT SHE'S INNOCENT...
AND NOW YOUR DAD HAS GONE OFF TO...
HELP HER.
SOUNDS CRAZY, RIGHT?
HE'S NOT THE SAME GUY ANYMORE.
[ SCOFFS ]
YEAH, HE'S REALLY COOL.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
SAY, ANY OF YOU HOMIES HOLDIN' EXTRA JIMMY HIGH?
'CAUSE I'M ALL ABOUT CRUNCHIN' SOME OF THAT BOOFANNY TONIGHT.
IF YOU HARM ONE HAIR ON THAT DOG'S HEAD --
YEAH, YEAH, "HARM A HAIR ON THE HEAD."
YOU GOT ME ALL NERVOUS.
HELLO?
OH, HEY, CHARLENE.
PUT YOUR DADDY ON THE PHONE.
NO, HE'S NOT HERE. HE WENT OUT TO FIND YOU.
HE WENT TO FIND ME?! TSK. ALL RIGHT.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
HOWIE, FLIP A "U." WE HEADED DOWNTOWN.
DOWNTOWN'S WHERE I LIVE, PRECIOUS.
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
WH-- WH-- WHOA!
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND, PLAYER?
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
YOU BEEN DRINKIN' SOME OF THAT "HATORADE"?
WHAT'S UP?
WHERE YOU FROM?
FROM THE 'HOOD AND MISUNDERSTOOD.
STRONG, BABY, STRONG.
♪ ...THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT
♪ SAID YOU NEED IT IN YOUR LIFE... ♪
CAN YOU SWERVE, SNOWMAN?
DO I GOT "***" SPRAY-PAINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
OF COURSE I CAN.
I'M TRYIN' TO PEEP A BOWWOW.
IF YOU SO AT HOME, MAN, THEN DANCE WITH THE WOMAN.
I CAN'T. I GOT B'NESS.
GO ON OUT THERE AND GET YOUR GROOVE ON.
NO, I CAN'T.
I GOT IMPORTANT B'NESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
[ Laughing ] YEAH.
♪ YO, YO, YO
♪ AIN'T GOT NO TIME FOR THE TALKIN'... ♪
I TELL YOU, BUT --
♪ CROWD STARTS TO SLIP
[ RAPPING INDISTINCTLY ]
♪ ...THERE'S ALWAYS ONE THAT'S GOT TO TEST YOU OUT... ♪
♪ CAN'T EVEN DANCE WITHOUT A CLOWN TRYING TO STRUT YOU OUT ♪
♪ HIT THE DANCE FLOOR, DON'T PLAY SHY ♪
♪ ...SERENADE HER ALL NIGHT
♪ THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, SAID YOU NEED IT IN YOUR LIFE ♪
[ RAPPING INDISTINCTLY ]
[ MOANING ]
YOU'LL GET A LIFE SENTENCE FOR THIS.
YOU'RE A KIDNAPPER AND A ***!
HEY.
KEEP TALKIN', TEA BAG.
OOH?! TEA BAG!
YEAH, YOU'LL BE GUMMIN' YOUR BUBBLES.
YEAH, OH! TERRIBLE.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
♪ ...TRYIN' TO STRUT YOU OUT
♪ HIT THE DANCE FLOOR
[ CHAINS RATTLING ]
DAMN, BOY, YOU LOOKIN' ALL KIND OF STUPID.
REALLY?
'CAUSE I GOT THIS OUTFIT FROM YOUR MAMA.
YO, EMINEM, CUT THE *** ***.
I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU IN.
FINE, FINE, FINE. I'M HERE TO TALK BUSINESS --
PRIVATE BUSINESS.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
WHAT FRESH AIR IS THIS?
I DON'T SEE HIM ANYWHERE.
I THINK HE'S IN THAT BACK ROOM OVER THERE.
WHAT DO WE DO WITH HER MAJESTY?
SIT DOWN.
WHAT?
SIT IT ON DOWN.
NOW, LOOK, IF YOU MOVE,
YOUR LITTLE WILLY GONNA BE BRIDGED DOWN.
DIG.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
IS THAT REAL?
OH.
UH, SEVEN AND SEVEN, DOUBLE.
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT?!
I SAID, "HOW YOU DOIN'?"
OH, FANTASTIC.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES ]
YOU EITHER THE DUMBEST CRACKER I EVER MET OR YOU STRAIGHT UP --
HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I LOVE THIS SONG.
♪ IT'S ALMOST OVER NOW
♪ YOU THINK THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE ELOQUEY ♪
TURN THAT OFF.
♪ YOU THINK THAT LIFE WILL BE OPEN LATE ♪
♪ WELL, IT'S ALMOST OVER NOW, ALMOST OVER -- ♪
GET EVERYBODY UP OUT OF HERE.
Charlene: I'M TELLING YOU, HE IS DEFINITELY IN THERE.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. SO HE'S IN THERE,
AND THEN YOU GO IN, AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
[ CHAIN RATTLING ]
THREE SECONDS.
WHY YOU HERE?
I GOT A FEELING YOU'RE STILL SITTING ON A HEFTY SUM OF STOLEN CASH.
YOU WANT TO HIDE IT, YOU NEED A LAWYER.
WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S WITH THE PHONE?
I'M CALLING IN THE CALVARY.
YOU'LL GO BACK TO PRISON.
SO YOU WANNA HELP ME LAUNDER MY MONEY?
I CAN HIDE IT IN AN UNTRACEABLE ACCOUNT
IN THE CAYMEN ISLANDS.
ALL I WANT IS $100,000.
WE BOTH WALK OUT OF HERE WEALTHIER MEN.
AND I TELL YOU WHERE CHARLENE IS.
THAT SIMPLE.
YOU WEARIN' A WIRE?
ME? NO. ARE YOU?
THEN -- THEN THEY KIDNAPPED ME.
AND THEY TOOK MY DOG, WILLIAM.
THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
OH, YOU DON'T CARE.
YOU SMOKIN', GRANDMA?
WHY NOT?
[ LAUGHING ]
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES ]
TO HELL WITH YOUR PROPOSITION.
HOLD IT.
CHARLENE IS READY TO ROLL OVER ON YOU.
SHE KNOWS WHO YOUR ACCOMPLICE WAS.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
T-THEY'RE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR MY SIGNAL AND --
AND -- AND -- AND THE SIGNAL IS...
IF I DON'T COME BACK, THEY CALL THE FBI.
THERE WAS NO ACCOMPLICE, FOOL.
THERE WAS A GIRL IN THE PHOTO.
NO, THERE WAS SOMEBODY IN A WIG AND A DRESS.
[ TRIGGER CLICKS ]
YOU...
YOU LEFT HER CLOTHES, THE GUN, AND THE MONEY.
SEE?
YOU JUST TOO DAMN SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK, WE CAN'T WAIT NO MORE.
WAIT, WAIT. CHARLENE!
OPEN UP. WIDOW WANNA SEE ME.
SAYS WHO?
SAYS LENE.
PETE.
WELL, AIN'T THIS A PSYCHIC MOMENT?
I WAS JUST COMIN' TO SEE YOU.
COME ON, NOW, WIDOW. YOU KNOW THIS IS BETWEEN ME.
YOU LET HIM GO.
NO PROBLEM.
UGH!
OH, ***.
WHAT -- COME ON NOW. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
UGH!
I GOT IT.
YEAH!
UH-HUH! WHO GOT THE GUN NOW, HUH?
YEAH, WHO GOT THAT GUN?
YEAH, HOMIE, THAT'S RIGHT.
GET Y'ALL *** ON THE GROUND!
*** ON THE GROUND WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM, HUH?
TAKE HIM OUT!
[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]
UGH!
[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]
***.
OOH.
HEY, FRIEND!
OOH.
UGH!
WASN'T THAT FUN?
I'M JUST GONNA ROLL UP ON OUT OF HERE.
[ SMOOCHES ] THANK YOU.
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC RESUMES ]
FBI!
EVERYBODY, FREEZE!
CHARLENE! CHARLENE! OH, BABY!
OH, OH, BABY.
CHARLENE.
SON OF A -- [ GRUNTING ]
DROP IT!
OH, CHARLENE.
[ Whimpering ] OW.
WHAT?
DAMN, DOG.
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
HEY, HOWIE, SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
CHARLENE...
I --
DO ME A FAVOR, PRECIOUS.
DON'T EVER SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN,
OR I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE YOU A NASTY SPANKING,
IF I'M NOT BEING TOO SUBTLE.
HE'S SUCH A DAMN FREAK.
ARE YOU SANDERSON?
YEAH.
WAIT, WAIT. SHE'S INNOCENT.
SAVE IT.
I CAN PROVE IT.
[ CASSETTE SPUTTERING ]
[ MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO ]
MR. SANDERSON...
THAT WAS PRETTY BALLSY. YOU'D MAKE A HELL OF AN AGENT.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I DID ANYTHING
WELL, THANKS AGAIN.
MR. SANDERSON...
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU HAVE BEHAVED ABONIDABLY.
ABONI--
ABOMIDABLY. [ LAUGHING ]
ABOMINABLY.
[ LAUGHS ] I KNOW.
SHAKESPEARE.
NO, WAIT. THIS IS SERIOUS.
AND I'LL HAVE YOU DIS--
DISBARRED.
[ Laughing ] OH!
UH, DISBALLED.
DIS-- [ LAUGHS ]
DISBARRED?
DISBARRED. [ MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY ]
OH, TO HELL WITH IT.
I DO BELIEVE I'M ***.
JUST DON'T TELL ANYBODY YOU EVER SAW ME LIKE THIS.
MRS. ARNESS...
WILLIAM.
OH, GOD, YOU ARE AN UGLY DOG...
AND HEAVY.
HERE, I GOT HIM.
THANK YOU.
IS THERE A 24-HOUR DINER AROUND HERE?
YOU DO?
I'M DREADFULLY HUNGRY.
YOU GUYS OKAY?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YO, BE COOL, G-MO.
YO, OUT BACK, G-MO.
FULL CHEESY, HOMEY.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
Tobias: WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP TRYING, WON'T YOU?
I CALLED ARNESS FOUR TIMES, ED. SHE'LL ONLY TALK TO PETER.
WELL, THEN, WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO KEEP HIM AROUND, AREN'T WE?
OH, HEY, GUYS.
PETER.
DID I MENTION I'M GOING OUT ON MY OWN?
YOU DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES.
WELL, I HAVE ONE MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR CLIENT.
IT'S A START.
AND A PARTNER.
I'M ALL OVER IT, G.
LET'S GO.
EXCUSE ME.
PETER, W-W-WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.
[ As Charlene ] ED, YOU CAN KISS MY NATURAL BLACK ***.
[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
PETER...
ASHLEY, WHO ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, I WAS, UH, MEETING, UH, UH...
ABOUT HER AUNT'S ESTATE.
A COD--
YEAH, WELL, SAY GOODBYE TO HALF YOUR STUFF.
I'LL CALL YOU.
LOOKIN' GOOD, KIDS.
ALMOST THERE.
PETER, YOUR 4:00 IS WAITING FOR YOU IN YOUR OFFICE.
I DON'T HAVE ANY MEETINGS TODAY.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD AN APPOINTMENT.
HEY.
SO, THIS IS HOW A BIG-TIME TAX ATTORNEY LIVES, HUH?
THIS PLACE IS BIG PIMPIN', P. DIDDY.
I'M A'IGHT.
I REALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU AGAIN
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID FOR ME.
IF I COULD ONLY GIVE YOU BACK HALF OF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME.
PLEASE. WE'LL CALL IT EVEN. NOW GIVE ME A HUG.
HEY, HEY, WHITE PEOPLE DON'T HUG.
WELL, I-I'M OFF-WHITE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
KATE...
HI.
UM, OH, WELL, I'M, UH --
I GOT TO FINISH UP SOME THINGS WITH HOWIE.
OH, UH, KATE, THIS IS CHARLENE.
CHARLENE, THIS IS KATE.
HI. YOU'VE CERTAINLY BEEN SHAKING THINGS UP AROUND HERE.
[ LAUGHS ]
WELL, SHAKIN' IS WHAT I DO BEST.
[ LAUGHS ]
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU, KATE.
THANK YOU.
AND TAKE CARE OF HIM FOR ME.
HI.
HI.
SO...
WHAT -- WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN,
BUT, I MEAN, WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN HERE?
WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERING, UM...
HOW OFTEN DO YOU TAKE THAT SHORTCUT PAST MY HOUSE?
TECHNICALLY?
UH, WELL...
UH, PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, TECHNICALLY...
THAT'S STALKING.
IT'S KIND OF CUTE.
KATE...
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU.
THE -- THE COOL POINTS ARE OUT THE WINDOW,
AND I'M ALL TWISTED UP IN THE GAME.
[ Laughing ] WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS I LOVE YOU.
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
[ SOFT THUD ]
OHH!
[ RINGING CONTINUES ]
[ INTRO TO KELLY PRICE'S "AIN'T NOBODY" PLAYS ]
RASTAMAN, HOLD STILL,
OR YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THESE JAMAICAN BEADS ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
YEAH, HERE WE GO.
ALL RIGHT, HALFWAY DONE.
♪ WHOO!
WHAT YOU THINK?
[ LAUGHS ]
HOLLER AT YOUR BOY.
[ LAUGHS ]
NOTHIN' IS NOTHIN'.
WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW?
BOY, YOU ARE SOME KIND OF FREAKY.
♪ OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA ♪
♪ AIN'T NOBODY
♪ NOBODY
♪ LOVES ME BETTER
♪ NO ONE LOVES ME
♪ MAKES ME HAPPY
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
♪ MA ♪ AIN'T NOBODY WAY
♪ NO, NO
♪ LOVES ME BETTER THAN YOU ♪
[ INDISTINCT RAPPING ]
QUEEN, BRING THIS ONE FOR ME.
[ Rapping ] ♪ AIN'T THE PAPER THAT MAKES ME DANA ♪
♪ I JUST SEE THE STRANGERS, THEY LOOK AT ME STRANGER ♪
♪ THEY ALL GIVE ME MORE LIP, SO I GIVE YA ♪
♪ MORE MUSIC, MORE SCRIPTS, LESS ACTIN' ♪
♪ I STEPPED UP THE SALARY CAP
♪ PASSIN' TRAFFIC AND LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED ♪
♪ SEE HOW LIFE TAKES A TURN
♪ MORE PAPER EARNED
♪ LAWYERS...CASE ADJOURNED, GOODBYE ♪
♪ I AM WHAT I AM
♪ I COME FROM... ALL CRèME DE LA CRME ♪
♪ ESPECIALLY WHEN Y'ALL PRAYED FOR MY DOWNFALL ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY I TRY TO STAY FROM 'ROUND Y'ALL ♪
♪ LET'S GO, TURN MY DAYS INTO DARK ♪
♪ THEY FOUND LESS, LIKE METER MAIDS WHEN I PARK ♪
♪ BUT I'LL BE STILL DOIN' ME
♪ SO BEAUTIFULLY
[ INDISTINCT RAPPING ]
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
♪ 'CAUSE PEOPLE WILL TALK
♪ BABY, IT'S THE WAY
♪ THE WAY THAT YOU WALK
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP TO THE SKY ♪
♪ COMFORT IS HIGH
♪ THEY'RE THE ONES THAT HATE
♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO NAMED YOU ♪
♪ GO ON AND DO YOU THING
♪ JUST IMAGINE HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE WITH YOU CRUISIN' ♪
♪ TOP DOWN, POP THE BLOUSE, GET GIRLS AROUSED ♪
♪ TALK 'BOUT SHOPPIN' AND BROWSIN' ♪
♪ NOT FOR CLOTHES
♪ COULD IT BE THAT YOU FEEL YOU NEED ME? ♪
♪ HEY, YOU LOVE THE WAY I FLOW 'CAUSE IT COMES SO EASY ♪
♪ WHEN LIFE IMITATE ART...
♪ YOU GOT TO LOVE THAT, TRY TO STAY ABOVE THAT ♪
♪ OH, BABY
♪ BUSINESSWOMAN AND MOVIE STAR ♪
♪ MY MOM'S ALWAYS TOLD ME IT COME FROM GOD ♪
♪ AND THE STRESS, THAT COME FROM Y'ALL ♪
♪ KEEP ACHIN'
♪ YOU'LL GET THERE, KEEP WAITIN' ♪
♪ KEEP TRYIN', BE PATIENT
♪ Y'ALL WISH I COULD STAY THE NIGHT ♪
♪ REALLY FEEL THE LOVE... ♪
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
♪ BABY, IT'S THE WAY
♪ THE WAY THAT YOU WALK
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP TO THE SKY ♪
♪ COMFORT IS HIGH
♪ THEY'RE THE ONES THAT HATE
♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO NAMED YOU ♪
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
♪ LATELY, IT JUST SEEMS TO ME
♪ THAT PEOPLE AIN'T WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE ♪
♪ THEY ALL WANT ME TORN UP
♪ I KNOW THEY'RE SNAKES IN THE GRASS ♪
♪ SO I PAY MY STAFF TO KEEP THE LAWN CUT ♪
♪ I SEE YOU, ALL THE DRAMA YOU BRINGIN' ♪
♪ I COMBAT THAT WITH POSITIVE THINKIN' ♪
♪ I'M ME TILL I'M OLD AND GRAY, AND WHEN THAT DAY COMES ♪
♪ I'M GONNA TEACH MY DAUGHTERS TO BE THE SAME WAY ♪
♪ I AM THE WAY I AM
♪ I'M FROM THE HOOD, SO I'M CRèME DE LA CRME ♪
♪ ESPECIALLY WHEN Y'ALL PRAYED FOR MY DOWNFALL ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY I TRY TO STAY FROM AROUND Y'ALL ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER GET ME DOWN
♪ SO I'LL ALWAYS BE AROUND
♪ STILL DOIN' ME SO BEAUTIFULLY ♪
♪ SAME QUESTION...
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
♪ BABY, IT'S THE WAY
♪ THE WAY THAT YOU WALK
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP TO THE SKY ♪
♪ COMFORT IS HIGH
♪ THEY'RE THE ONES THAT HATE
♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO NAMED YOU ♪
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
♪ 'CAUSE PEOPLE WILL TALK
♪ BABY, IT'S THE WAY
♪ THE WAY THAT YOU WALK
♪ KEEP YOU HEAD UP TO THE SKY ♪
♪ COMFORT IS HIGH
♪ THEY'RE THE ONES THAT HATE
♪ 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES WHO NAMED YOU ♪
♪ GO ON AND DO YOUR THING
[ Rapping ] ♪ JUST DO YOUR THING 'CAUSE PEOPLE GONNA HATE YOU ANYWAY ♪
[ Rapping ] ♪ HIP-HOP MUSIC
♪ HIP-HIP-HOP MUSIC
♪ OH OH-OH-OH
♪ GOT TO KEEP HER SANITY
♪ I BELIEVE THAT ONE THING
♪ LOVE WILL SET YOU FREE
♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN DREAMS
♪ AND YOU COULD COME WITH ME
♪ IF YOU WANT TO
♪ GOT TO KEEP HER HEAD UP HIGH ♪
♪ SO I CAN MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND MY MIND ♪
♪ YEAH, I'M FREE
♪ SAY, YOU COULD COME WITH ME, BABY ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT TO
♪ OH OH-OH-OH
♪ SAY
♪ OH-OH-OH
♪ CLAP, CLAP