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Welcome to Let's Get Real. The show that tells the truth about love, sex and
relationships. This program is for mature adults only. Watch at your own risk as
the truth can have a life-changing consequences. This show does not give advice.
The information provided is accurate to the best of our knowledge. The opinion
stated our goals of the person speaking. And the truth, well, the only truth that
matters is your own.
For more information visit www.gettingreal.tv Viewer
discretion
is advised.
Now here's your host David and Darlene Steele from Relationship Coaching
Institute.
Welcome to Let's Get Real!
Today's episode is about:
What to do
when your partner changes the rules.
Noah from Nashville writes:
I'm married for the third time to a woman several years younger than I am.
I have two wonderful children from my first marriage who are now adults.
I was clear with my current wife when we talked about getting married that I did
not want any more children and she was OK with that.
However, now after 5 years of marriage she wants to have a baby.
I haven't changed my mind.
This is causing a big problem and I
fear she may leave me.
I don't think it's fair for her to change her mind when I was very clear with her
from the beginning.
I love her and I don't want to lose her.
What advice can you give me?
Noah,
one thing for sure,
change is inevitable.
So, we make choices
based on the information that we have today.
But when things change,
it can really threaten the vision we held for our life
and for our relationship. And that means
we have to make new decisions.
Noah, we really feel for you
because this is a very personal and very difficult set of choices that you have
in front of you. But
let's see if we can help.
So Noah,
let's get real.
Relationships
are messy
and they're complicated,
and they don't follow the rules that we want them to follow.
People change,
needs change,
agreements change,
and so the rules in a relationship change.
You're on your third marriage.
We're sure you understand this really well.
And you're right,
it isn't fair.
But unfortunately life isn't fair.
Life doesn't work the way you want, or you need, or you expect.
It just works the way it works.
Choosing to have children
is a serious commitment.
The drive to have children is
just that. It's a drive. It's
deep in our DNA for survival of the species.
If someone experiences that drive,
it's a requirement for their happiness.
Which means if she doesn't have children,
your wife and your marriage
will become unhappy.
And you're married for the third time,
marriage is a commitment,
supposedly a lifetime commitment.
You may not want another child,
but do you want another divorce?
So, some strategy to consider in this situation, first,
get the facts.
Do some research together
about couples that have gone through something similar.
Believe it or not you're probably not the first one ever.
And, how did it end up for them.
A lot of guys have been in your position
and
when they were having a baby, were they happy?
Or when they left, was their life better?
So do some research and get the facts.
Whenever you have a decision to make,
if you're feeling unsure, it's
probably a good place to start.
Just get the facts.
Get more facts.
Now's the time to have a serious and nonjudgemental talk with your wife,
without the
"it's not fair".
Explore what this really means to you.
What would be the benefits of having another child?
I've known people who
have had children with their second relationship, who
thought that it was so much better the second time around,
that they were in a more mature spot
emotionally. They could handle things. They were more relaxed. They're more
financially able.
Right. So,
having the second child, or second set of children,
sometimes is a
better experience than the first.
And what would be the
undesired consequences of having another child?
Certainly, it would change your life,
change your marriage, change your future tremendously.
What about that is really a problem for you?
You know, be very specific even write it down.
We know it doesn't feel fair. We know this isn't the life you planned for yourself,
but quantify
the undesired consequences, you know, what specifically is it that's a
problem for you about it? What would happen do you think in the situation
that you don't like?
And,
in what ways would your life be different if you got a divorce?
So how do you like it to be different if you had a child?
And,
how would it be different in a good way? How would
it be different in a bad way or ways that you don't want?
But also how would you like it to be different if you got a divorce?
Keeping in mind this is going to be your third one.
So you also want to explore what this means for your wife.
So, what exactly is important to her about having children?
And does she have a nurturing desire that maybe could be met in a different
way?
Talk about all the options with your wife
and what each option would mean to you.
Having a child,
could you be happy?
Explore your needs with your wife
and ways that they could be met with the addition of a child in your family
as soon as possible
for you to be married
and have a child.
And if that were possible,
what you need to happen for you to be happy in that situation?
Also, explore what would it mean
not to have a child.
Could your wife be happy and fulfilled?
But would she be unhappy and regret it for the rest of her life?
Could her need for a child
be met in a different way? Could
you guys be foster parents?
Could you adopt an older child? You wouldn't have to deal with the baby.
You could become a surrogate grandparents to a friend or a neighbor's
child.
Babysit, let them have a weekly date night. They would love that. It would be a win
for you and
you're supporting your wife to have children in her life.
And maybe she could find a volunteer opportunity in the community,
working with children.
So explore this with your wife fully.
All the options and the consequences.
If the outcome of your discussions are that she requires a child of her own to be
happy
and having another child would make you unhappy,
then you need to explore if you need to leave the relationship behind
in order to honor each of your needs.
This will be a huge decision,
and we highly recommend that you seek a professional to help you become clear
and help guide you in this decision.
So if you have an idea, a suggestion or a comment for Noah,
please enter it in the comment box below
and let's help him decide what to do when his partner changes the rules.
And please do remember
that telling the truth has consequences.
It's the only way to have a fulfilling relationship
but not all relationships can handle the truth.
So if this is your situation,
please do get the support you need from a qualified therapist, counselor, or coach.
Thanks for watching
and bye for now.
You've been watching Let's Get Real.
The show that tells the truth about love, sex and relationships. For more
information, more episodes and to join the free getting real club visit
www.gettingreal.tv.
May you live the life you love with the love of your life.