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>> RUSSELL BRAND: Oh, hello.
This week, Brand X comes from
London, which is where I'm from.
Now, we've got amazing guests on
the show tonight.
Noel Gallagher, one of the
modern architects of great
guitar music.
We've got Eddie Izzard, one of
the finest comedy minds to come
from this country since Monty
Python.
And we've got David Icke.
David Icke is what I suppose you
would call a free-thinking
radical.
He believes that we're being
ripped off by the world
government, that the banks are
lying to us and tricking us.
And, uh, what else does he
believe?
Oh, that the royal family are
lizards.
He's got some out-of-control
theories, but he's, like, uh...
I'm sort of really into him now.
I'm really ready.
So, in here is a room full of
genuine English people, if you
can imagine such a thing.
And look-- here they are.
This is actual television.
(applause and cheering)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for watching this
program.
We're live from London.
We're on tour.
We're moving around.
It's still Brand X.
We're just basically just a
television program like-- I
don't know-- Downton Abbey...
(laughter)
...or Dallas.
Just try and think of it like
that, but it's happening now.
In fact, it's not totally live,
because it's complicated to do
that from England, but we've got
no time to edit the program at
all, so, it's basically live.
If it wasn't live, why would
this sort of thing be allowed to
happen on the television?
You simply wouldn't have a man
wielding that kind of object
unnecessarily.
You certainly wouldn't spend
precious time, would you, with a
tea seat, miming, "Oh, it'll be
nice when Eddie Izzard's here."
(laughter)
Just wouldn't do that, would
you?
If you had time to edit, this
bit would have been removed from
the show, wouldn't it?
You certainly wouldn't say that
the guest that's coming on the
show later, David Icke, with his
radical views about governments
of the West, saying that they're
lying to us, that they're
tricking us and deceiving us--
and I believe him--
you'd cut that out, wouldn't
you?
(laughter)
So that proves we had absolutely
no time to edit the show.
Uh, if you want to tweet us, you
can't, because this has already
happened.
(laughter)
All of the people here could
already be phantoms, drifting
around in the form of cloaks and
dust.
But if you're one of the people
in this room, that means you can
hear me.
Don't you now?
And if you wanted to, you could
touch me.
(audience whooping)
You can tweet me, using hashtag
Brand X.
If when you look at a hashtag
symbol...
If when you look at hashtag...
See, that's gonna stay in.
(laughter)
We don't got time to cut that
out.
If it was not properly live,
you'd go, "Oh, he said, 'Hang
chang.'"
(laughter)
We'd cut that out, make him look
more professional, make him look
like...
Still-still in the show.
So, is it...
Oh, it's doubly difficult, as a
matter of fact, because now I'm
about to say something
sarcastic about people if...
And here it is. Look.
If when you see the hashtag
symbol, you think it looks like
a Norse crosses, stroke,
tic-tac-toe board, uh, you're
not in our demographic, and we
don't care about your opinions,
so, uh...
(laughter)
...don't bother to tweet us.
Hey, the sarcasm's somewhat
undermined by my inability to
articulate.
Time now...
'Cause this is one of those
types of shows where, uh, the
news is at the beginning.
This is the bit where that news
happens.
News is actually short for "new
occurrences for gentlemen and
ladies."
It was actually shortened to the
word "news" during the war to
save, uh, ink during the war
effort when we needed ink to
fight Nazis.
(laughter)
Here are some news stories for
you people here in the room and
for you viewers back in America.
This is genuine England.
This is genuine culture.
There's history here.
Jack the Ripper murdered someone
right there.
(laughter)
Elephant Man used to cry on
those stairs.
(laughter)
Charles Dickens-- he wrote
something behind those speakers.
(laughter)
Here is a thing that's happened
recently.
Well, Hugo Chavez has died.
I quite liked...
(person whoops)
(laughter)
Why are you having this reaction
to the death of a beloved
revolutionary?
(laughter)
How much do you need Venezuela's
oil?
(laughter)
"I need the oil.
I must have the oil of
Venezuela."
What?
Just use some different hair
products.
(laughter)
Can't use Venezuelan oil on your
hair.
You can't see that woman, can
you?
But show that woman, and then
you'll understand why I've made
this comment about hair.
So if you're a person with a
camera, point it at that lady
I'm pointing at.
If you're a person with a boom
mic...
She's hiding herself now, and
she's able to do that because
she's got a South American
nation's worth of hair on her
head.
(laughter)
(applause)
Chavez is dead now, and some
people are happy, because it
means it'll free up a lot of
mineral resources.
Others are unhappy because he
was a great revolutionary who
cared about the poor.
Now, here's a story about
Cardinal Keith O'Brien.
Uh, he's sorry, apparently, for
*** misconduct.
Uh, he was accused of, and I
think, sort of, a little bit
found guilty of, having, uh...
of sexually harassing other
priests.
Which in a way is a good thing,
'cause at least then, he's not
sexually harassing children,
like most priests.
(laughter)
I like this. Look.
"Archbishop Philip Tartaglia has
admitted that the scandal over
Cardinal Keith O'Brien's
inappropriate acts has been a
serious blow to the church's
moral..."
(laughter)
Yeah, don't use that.
"This has been a serious blow."
We're gonna have to go longer.
We're gonna have to go longer.
"...has been a serious blow
to the church's moral
credibility and religious
authority.
He said of O'Brien's alleged
repeated *** contact and
drunken fumblings towards fellow
priests, that, 'It will take a
long time to recover these
intangible, but important
realities.'
(laughter)
Archbishop Philip Tartaglia has
admitted that the scandal over
Cardinal Keith O'Brien's
inapprop..."
Hold on. Archbishop Tartaglia
sounds too much like a type of
spaghetti...
(laughter)
...for him to have risen to such
a high position at the Vatican.
Don't it?
You can't have that.
Pope Spaghetti-Hoops turning
people off.
Stupid name.
(laughter)
He said, look...
"He said of O'Brien's conduct,
'It will take a long time to
recover these intangible, but
important realities.'"
That is not intangible.
A priest touching another priest
on the ***.
(laughter)
"Oh, wow! What's going on?
It's so mysterious.
It's like a poem or something."
Or it's like a vague mist of a
priest touching another priest
on the ***.
(laughter)
It's not, is it?
It's really one of the most
tangible...
"Oh, what are you doing?
You're touching my priest ***
with your priest hands.
That was really mysterious and
difficult to comprehend."
(laughter)
"Cardinal O'Brien said, 'My
*** conduct has fallen below
the line expected of me as a
priest, archbishop and
cardinal.'"
I like that bit of language--
"fallen below the line."
It's, like, "Priests," right,
"don't have sex with other
priests.
That's the line; we're not
crossing it."
Right, you've made it to
archbishop.
Definitely don't have sex with
other priests.
He's been promoted again.
You're cardinal.
Why are we still talking about
sex and priests?
How do you keep getting these
jobs?
(laughter)
So that's all of the news.
We're going to have a break now.
Little films about products,
each of which cost more than
your house.
Afterwards, Eddie Izzard is
going to be in this room talking
to us about chemistry.
See you in a minute.
Oh, let's go into the break.
Look. Here's a church, and it
looks like something off of
Angry Birds.
See you in a minute.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
(applause and cheering)
>> BRAND: Thank you.
Thank you for clapping.
For English people, that was
extreme enthusiasm.
(laughter)
That's their equivalent of the
Los Angeles riots, as a matter
of fact.
Okay, so, uh, we're watching
Brand X.
Well, I'm not watching.
I'm sort of being in Brand X,
uh, on the road.
We've got a wonderful guest for
you now.
We've managed to sequester him
into our world.
Now, he will paint the verbal
pictures for us.
He will drag us on an imaginary
thread through realms as yet
inconceivable.
Please welcome perhaps one of
the finest comedians ever to
have lived.
He's gonna appear in a minute
behind a curtain.
He's called Eddie Izzard!
(applause and cheering)
>> EDDIE IZZARD: Russell Brand.
Come on.
>> BRAND: Ah...
>> EDDIE: So, uh, welcome to my
show.
(laughter)
And, um-- so is the hair tricky?
Or a lot of washing, or does it
just do itself?
>> BRAND: Tell you the truth,
Eddie, the only real problems
occur if there's too much frizz.
You got to get that manageable.
>> EDDIE: So, do you...?
I mean, is it...?
'Cause some people have certain
hair that goes crazy frizz.
Yours always looks like it just
drops in.
And I was wondering, 'cause we
just did the gig last night at
Wembley...
>> BRAND: We did do that.
>> EDDIE: The gig at Wembley.
(applause and cheering)
And you always look pretty well
turned out, and I wonder, is
this a lot of work?
Is this really hours?
Or is this just, hey, it all
just slides into place?
>> BRAND: Firstly, thanks for
having me on the show.
>> EDDIE: Not at all.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Um, no. A lot of it's
just done with what I call-- and
the world calls-- scrunching.
(laughter)
You get out of the shower.
You just start scrunching away
at it, that's all.
Scrunch, scrunch, scrunch till
your palms are numb.
And in my case, these things go
through hell.
(laughter)
>> EDDIE: So, but you had to
discover scrunching.
Was there a point where your
hair was like a ***?
It was just, "What the ... is
this thing?"
And then it became...
>> BRAND: In the pre-scrunch
era, my hair was very, very
unruly.
I don't know if you've seen
Clash of the Titans.
The character Medusa.
>> EDDIE: Right.
>> BRAND: That was based on my
head.
>> EDDIE: Right.
>> BRAND: There were just
snakes, unruly, venomous beasts.
>> EDDIE: 'Cause I had to
get...
'Cause my hair all went one way.
I don't know.
Anyone else's?
Yeah, my hair at, like, 14, 15,
just went one way.
I thought, my hair's just gonna
go one way the rest of my life?
And then I found, hey,
hair dryer.
Blow it the other way, so...
(laughter)
>> BRAND: You had waged sort of
hair war on your own scalp.
>> EDDIE: Well, but I wasn't
out as a transvestite at the
point, so, as a bloke, you can't
really... It was difficult.
I mean, you're more progressive
with your openness and sexuality
thing.
>> BRAND: Let's call it
progressive.
>> EDDIE: Progressive.
But, you know, it's difficult
as a straight bloke, essentially
a straight bloke, 'cause it's a
straight TV...
>> BRAND: Essentially.
>> EDDIE: ...to buy me.
Well, you...
>> BRAND: Just straight.
>> EDDIE: But the point is, you
know, to buy an address...
>> BRAND: Straight between the
thighs.
>> EDDIE: To buy... Let me say
my question to myself.
>> BRAND: You do realize this
isn't your program?
>> EDDIE: I know, but I've
wanted to do one of these, and I
like this chair better than that
chair.
'Cause those are scrunch...
Those are sort of bouncy chairs.
Whereas, this one's quite a
commanding chair.
And, also, if someone attacks
you, you can beat them off with
this part of it, hit them with
this thing, or babies.
Or lock them in...
>> BRAND: They're not babies.
They're adults. Look at those.
>> EDDIE: They're adults.
>> BRAND: Yeah, actually,
they're here as part of our show
because I know, Eddie, that when
you was a little child, which
you must surely one day have
been, in the past, actually...
>> EDDIE: I still am, yeah.
That's part of my control thing.
>> BRAND: You've remained an
inner child?
>> EDDIE: Well, yes. See, the
child, like my comedy, is
childlike, childish sometimes,
but childlike.
>> BRAND: I go more for
childish.
References to bottoms, sex,
bottoms again.
>> EDDIE: No, I didn't mean
bottoms...
>> BRAND: We're talking about
me. What do you think
I'm gonna be talking about?
>> EDDIE: Oh, that is true.
>> BRAND: When you was little...
>> EDDIE: Tell us about
yourself.
>> BRAND: Well, I've got a lot
of beliefs, and they're gonna be
expressed through my ambassador,
Sir David Icke, in a moment.
Can't wait for him to get out
here.
Right. No, you when you was a
kid...
>> EDDIE: Do you want your
chair?
>> BRAND: No, I'm all right
here. What's the point?
We'll all be dead soon.
Now, uh, you used to do
puppet shows, didn't you?
>> EDDIE: I did when I was...
It was the first ever show I
did, which...
It's in this documentary
Believe, but the weird thing
is, I did it because I'd
found...
I was at a boarding school.
I'd put my dressing gown over...
They're kind of like hospital
beds, you know, like, in Carry
on Matron, Carry On...
>> BRAND: Yeah, there's that
grid bit at the end.
>> EDDIE: That bit at the end.
>> BRAND: Where they put the
mountain on if you're not well.
>> EDDIE: Yes, and they put...
(Brand makes high-pitched noise)
Well, they put that in the front
bed, and the doctor says, "Oh,
you're dying."
And at the back bed, it's just
free for you to do a show on.
>> BRAND: You're dying, but at
the other end, puppet show!
>> EDDIE: Exactly so.
So I put my dressing gown over
the bed, and I found that if I
tied it a certain way, you could
pull the thing, and went up
vroom, like a theater.
>> BRAND: Oh, my God.
>> EDDIE: On that basis, I did
a show, just because it did
curtains, just because my
dressing gown did curtains.
>> BRAND: First of all, you
discovered the practical reality
that curtains were possible.
>> EDDIE: Yes.
>> BRAND: And then you thought,
I'll bloody well do a puppet
show.
>> EDDIE: Which was exactly
like my early part of my career,
because it was mainly
production, and there was no
content in it.
The stuff that is now, I think,
quite good material came from
the fact that I was doing bad
material for years.
I kind of thought, why am I not
getting anywhere?
And I realized, maybe I should
work on the actual stuff in it,
rather than the drapery and the
curtains and the production and
the posters.
>> BRAND: What did that amount
to, that production?
Setting things on fire.
You used to be on a unicycle and
all that kind of thing.
>> EDDIE: Oh, well, the
transition...
Yeah, I was a street performer,
which is-- for people in
America and Britain-- just over
there...
>> BRAND: It's just there.
>> EDDIE: Just there.
>> BRAND: If you're in America,
it's there.
If you're in Britain, it's sort
of, kind of there.
>> EDDIE: So, as a street
performer, four and a half
years-- and I was doing complete
rubbish.
You know, a beaver going through
a hoop of newspaper, eating
cornflakes out of the thing.
>> BRAND: I like that.
>> EDDIE: Which was...
You know, it's just stupid
tricks.
And then I got into sword
fighting, and then I did
escaping from chains and ropes,
and then on a unicycle.
>> BRAND: Want to do a puppet
show with these things?
>> EDDIE: No.
(laughter)
I didn't know.
I thought I was gonna do
chemistry.
You said chemistry, and I
thought we were gonna...
>> BRAND: All right, yeah, we
did say chemistry, and
chemistry, by God, we shall do.
Please, bring out the chemistry.
I mean, we're doing chemistry,
of course, Eddie, because you,
famously, or perhaps obscurely--
I don't know which yet-- learned
your cadence and comedic style
from a chemistry teacher.
Is that true?
>> EDDIE: Well, yeah, he, uh...
A guy called Dr. Edmundson
in chemistry A level,
so it's quite an advanced
level, and...
>> BRAND: Doug, you beautiful
***!
(laughter)
This is Doug, whose job it is to
do this, and to ignore me as I
casually harass him.
(laughter)
>> EDDIE: I like the way you
ask questions, and halfway
through, you just go off on a
tangent, and it's really...
You're not really...
>> BRAND: I find it very hard to
concentrate when it's not me
talking.
>> EDDIE: I do realize that.
(laughter)
So what I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna interrupt you.
>> BRAND: Don't, Eddie, 'cause
I'm trying my hardest.
>> EDDIE: Yeah, so, anyway, so
yes, in answer to your question,
and then a moth took over my
life.
>> BRAND: A moth took over.
Well, thank God for that moth.
And now let's do some chemistry
experiments.
>> EDDIE: This is real stuff.
I haven't got my glasses on,
but...
>> BRAND: What happens when you
put yeast in hydrogen peroxide
and watch...
Well, I know what happens when
you put yeast...
No, let's leave that.
(laughter)
Come, then, Eddie.
Let's pour that in there.
>> EDDIE: I have no idea, but
it's gonna be probably...
>> BRAND: We are scientists.
>> EDDIE: No. I would have done
with this... there's one...
Are we doing the one, uh...?
>> BRAND: We're doing...
>> EDDIE: Some other ones.
I made nitroglycerin, and if
you're...
>> BRAND: You're a terrorist.
>> EDDIE: No, no, no.
It was real interesting.
They had chemistry books.
>> BRAND: Where were you on
9/11?!
>> EDDIE: Didn't you do the
chemistry books?
Didn't you have...?
Some part, there was a chemistry
book, yeah, and you had to do
something in school, yeah?
>> BRAND: Yeah, a Bunsen burner.
You set that on fire.
>> EDDIE: Yeah, a Bunsen
burner, and then you melt
everything. But in the back of
my books, there was how to make
nitroglycerin, so me and a
friend said, "It says how to
make nitroglycerin."
Back in the '70s, it had this.
So, I made nitroglycerin, and we
made this stuff.
We burned stuff up, we did
exactly what it said, and then
we thought, who do we kill?
And I was at boarding school,
so...
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Pour that in there,
'cause we've only got one
minute, and then an advert's
gonna happen.
>> EDDIE: All right, all right,
there we go.
It looked a bit like this when
we made nitroglycerin.
>> BRAND: You and your friend...
>> EDDIE: Is this gonna go over
the top now?
>> BRAND: Let's move this away
from us.
>> EDDIE: Yeah.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Oh, that takes me
back.
(cheering and applause)
>> EDDIE: So, that's basically
what sex is all about.
(laughter)
That looks like sex on a
chocolate sundae.
>> BRAND: Sex on a chocolate
sundae with Eddie Izzard.
Eddie, will you remain with us
for another part to continue
this exploration into the human
mind and into the chemicals?
>> EDDIE: Yes, indeed.
I better.
>> BRAND: We're gonna have a
commercial break now.
Eddie Izzard ain't going no
place.
>> EDDIE: Thank you.
(applause and cheering)
>> BRAND: This is our life.
>> EDDIE: So... so, welcome
back to, uh, my show.
>> BRAND: Brand X.
Izzard X?
>> EDDIE: No, it wouldn't be
Izzard X; it'd be...
>> BRAND: Lizard Man?
>> EDDIE: It'd be Izzard Y.
Brand X, Izzard Y.
>> BRAND: Yeah, welcome back.
>> EDDIE: Izzard Zed.
What-what is that?
>> BRAND: Do you want to
continue experimenting?
This has got a tricolor little
flag.
You're obsessed with France and
languages and Europe and...
>> EDDIE: I'm obsessed with
human beings, that's what I'm
obsessed with.
>> BRAND: Well, if you're truly
obsessed with human beings,
empty this *** full of stuff
into this thing.
>> EDDIE: And what is in the
stuff? What is it?
>> BRAND: Well, I believe it's
bicarbonate soda, Eddie.
>> EDDIE: And that's what,
water?
>> BRAND: I think it's vinegar.
But the whole point of us doing
this was to demonstrate how...
Why... What kind of chemistry
teacher did you have that led
you to be this man?
>> EDDIE: It was a guy called...
Well, it was... it was a guy
called Dr. Edmundson and what he
would do is he'd write on the
board at a certain speed.
He'd say, "So, you take... No,
we take the sodium chloride and
we put it..."
"In a balloon!"
"No, not in a balloon."
"In my hat."
"No, shut up, Izzard.
We put it in..." "No."
"Just shut up."
And he k... he left gaps, he
left at a certain speed, so I
could keep chucking stuff in.
And I was at a place where
there's one... there was one
girl for 20 boys, and the only
way you... I could get any
attention was by cracking jokes.
>> BRAND: A bit rude.
>> EDDIE: Why? Why was I rude?
>> BRAND: I just imagined...
'Cause in my mind, the 20 boys
were gathered around the girl
sort of smoking Woodbines.
"All right, darling."
That's probably my brain.
Shall I undo that and then we
can continue our experiment?
So, uh, like... so, his, uh,
speech pattern gave you time...
>> EDDIE: His speech pattern
gave me time to be funny, so...
and I... (shouts)
>> BRAND: Oh, God, no!
No!
What happened?
I'm so sorry.
It smells.
Science is bad! No more science!
Burn the laboratories!
Shut down that thing in
Switzerland where they're doing
things with atoms.
I'm so sorry, Eddie.
Are you okay?
>> EDDIE: Yes, that's-that's
quite all right. That's just...
>> BRAND: Do you want to take
water on that?
Is it acid or something?
We've maimed one of the
country's great comedians.
>> EDDIE: Look. That's... it's
pretty good for suits, isn't it?
>> BRAND: I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
(laughter)
I think that's gonna work.
See, now, that shows you we've
got no time to edit, 'cause
otherwise we'd have cut that bit
out.
>> EDDIE: And cut my arm off.
>> BRAND: We'd replace that with
a prosthetic arm.
>> EDDIE: Sold it to charity.
>> BRAND: So sorry.
>> EDDIE: This is a real boy
thing. (coughs)
I don't know much about stains,
but I just pour water on ***
when...
You know? That's...
More water!
>> BRAND: It's a shame you
weren't around for the BP oil
spill.
>> EDDIE: I know.
>> BRAND: "Pour some water on
that thing!"
"There's water under it!"
Where are you going, Eddie?
>> EDDIE: I want more water.
Anyone got water?
Give me a bottle of water
please.
>> BRAND: Uh, Eddie Izzard will
be right...
Actually, I'm gonna try that
idea.
So I'll be both the guests.
Eddie, you're promoting your
new European tour.
What a great question, Russell.
And might I say, how virile...
Oh, hello.
>> EDDIE: Tomorrow... tomorrow I
start the first ever tour...
(laughter)
...the first ever tour of France
in French.
>> BRAND: This is like... this
is becoming Lynchian.
It's a close-up of a man
watering his own arm.
(applause and cheering)
>> EDDIE: That's better.
>> BRAND: Are you all right,
now?
Other waters are available.
>> EDDIE: Tomorrow, I start the
first ever tour of France in
French.
So I'm gonna-- no one's done
this, and it's 200 years since
the Battle of Waterloo, so I
think it's kind of good at a
time when-- people in America
won't know this, but people in
Britain are thinking, oh, you
have problems, problems, but
I'm going out there, I'm playing
France in French, Germany, I'm
playing, um-- yes, our hands
still smell of weird stuff-- and
I'm playing Moscow, Saint
Petersburg, Katmandu, Delhi,
Mumbai, you know, South Africa,
just getting out there and
reaching out.
I mean, this is going out to
America-- that's what humans are
really about.
Rather than separation and
hating everyone, I'm trying to
reach out and say the melting
pot is the way forward, baby.
>> BRAND: I know, you're
obsessed with this melting pot.
>> EDDIE: Yeah.
(applause and cheering)
Yes! Yes!
And that's why my nails here say
"British European transvestite."
That's a political statement in
ten fingers.
They just... it screams quietly
from the end of my fingers,
which are now slowly dying from
some chemical that I just put on
them.
>> BRAND: That, too, is a kind
of political statement.
>> EDDIE: Yeah, well...
>> BRAND: Killing your own hands
with a chemical is sort of the
antithesis of-- I mean, it's odd
that you like melting pots so
much, then when you're actually
put in one, you don't like it.
>> EDDIE: No, I like the idea...
I did this documentary on the
BBC that was about we come from
10,000 people and now seven
billion, and if we're gonna make
this world work, we've got to
make it work over this century.
This is the century we got
to make it work.
>> BRAND: What are we gonna do
to make it work, Eddie?
What's the point?
Why don't we just go back to
bed?
>> EDDIE: You're gonna go play
Scandinavia.
>> BRAND: Eddie Izzard is
forcing me to go to Scandinavia.
A man with a very widely
regarded *** addiction.
>> EDDIE: If anyone watching
the program...
>> BRAND: The home of ***.
>> EDDIE: If anyone watching the
program wants Russell to play
anywhere in Europe, Scandinavia,
Twitter him, get on his Twitter
case, because he will come out
there, 'cause I'm gonna force
him out there, I'm gonna force
this thing to happen.
Because the more of us do it,
then the more people come here.
There are German kids already
playing in England, the French
kids are gonna come play in
England, there are Norwegians
already touring here.
It's great, it's what the
future's about.
>> BRAND: Are there any
Scandinavians in this room now?
(laughter)
We had a couple in; we forced
them to go.
Uh, Eddie, will you come back in
a minute and help people in the
audience?
'Cause we got to have a
commercial break-- it's the way
this show is funded, by these
sort of commercials.
>> EDDIE: Yes. By the way, buy
everything in these commercials.
Just buy it, for no reason.
>> BRAND: Don't even think-- buy
these products; they're all
good.
In a minute, we're gonna have
Noel Gallagher on this program!
(applause and cheering)
(laughs)
There was a moment I was
just staring at your arm.
You were pouring water onto
your own arm.
>> EDDIE: It seemed the right
thing to do.
(applause and cheering)
>> BRAND: Welcome back to Brand
X.
We're making this program in
England now.
That means there's a lot more
chaos and a lot more mayhem.
Eddie, I should have said
good-bye to you a minute ago,
but we were too busy
experimenting with acid-- and
when I said that ten years ago,
it was a different story.
So, um, Eddie, where have you
got to go right now?
>> EDDIE: I've got to go to
Paris-- no, I've got to go to
Nice.
I'm playing Nice tomorrow night,
like you do.
>> BRAND: He's playing Nice
tomorrow night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the
wonderful Eddie Izzard.
(applause and cheering)
Thank you, Eddie.
See you later, mate.
>> EDDIE: I'll see you later.
>> BRAND: See you later.
Scandinavia. There he goes, the
intrepid Eddie Izzard, everyone.
And now as we stand amidst the
ruins, the chaos, the acid, the
broken hearts and the phantoms
of dinosaurs that walk these
halls, apparently, according to
Eddie Izzard, in the break, we
have a wonderful moment...
(laughter)
...approaching.
Right, are you about ready to
welcome someone who may be curt,
who may be brutal, who may be
occasionally coldhearted, who
may even sometimes say things
deliberately to devastate and
wound me? Are you?
>> CROWD: Yes!
(whooping)
>> BRAND: Please welcome to the
stage the finest musician of his
generation, but still a bit of a
git, Noel Gallagher! Oh!
(applause and cheering)
Hello, mate.
(indistinct talking)
This place is a ... death trap,
I'll tell you that.
All right, mate.
>> NOEL: All right, mate.
>> BRAND: Thanks for coming.
>> NOEL: Pleasure.
>> BRAND: You look like you're
in a really bad mood.
What's going on?
>> NOEL: Well... I want to the
pub.
>> BRAND: We'll be going to the
pub in a minute...
>> NOEL: What's that? Water?
>> BRAND: It's just some acid
from an experiment.
>> NOEL: No, no. Is it water?
>> BRAND: Yeah.
>> NOEL: What are you drinking
water for?
What are you drinking water for?
>> BRAND: What do you mean, you
have to only have drugs at all
times?
>> NOEL: I don't do drugs
anymore.
What? Have you got any Guinness?
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Can he have a
Guinness, or any other Irish
stout?
>> NOEL: No, when we get this...
Oh, well, we got a problem...
>> BRAND: Right, don't regard
this as, like, some sort of
labor.
This is a great privilege.
We're being witnessed now by
these wonderful English and
European people.
On FX, we're being watched by
hundreds of ardent wrestling
fans.
(laughter)
All right, I'm doing an
interview.
(laughter)
Right, an interview now.
X Factor.
>> NOEL: Yes.
>> BRAND: You turned down an
offer to be a judge on X Factor.
>> NOEL: Twice.
>> BRAND: Why'd you turn it
down for?
(applause and cheering)
>> NOEL: Why did I turn it down
for?
Uh, becau... Liberty Ross.
(laughter)
Uh, and I'm busy Saturdays.
>> BRAND: Busy Saturdays?
>> NOEL: Yeah, yeah.
>> BRAND: Would you let Susan
Boyle do a version...?
>> NOEL: Yes.
Oh, what? Do what?
>> BRAND: Would you let...?
(Noel mumbles)
>> BRAND: What did you think the
question was?
>> NOEL: ***.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: You... and your
immediate response was yes?
>> NOEL: Yes, absolutely.
Why not?
Bit weird, but I don't mind.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Well... (laughs)
So while it was happening, you'd
be...
It would be so marvelous that it
was occurring that you would
sort of be enjoying it on a kind
of metaphysical level?
>> NOEL: Take what you can get
at my age, don't we?
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Would you let...
>> NOEL: Yes, yes.
>> BRAND: The actual question,
before you paraded into our
lives with mayhem was, would you
let Susan Boyle do a version of
"Wonderwall"?
(crowd murmuring)
>> No.
>> No.
>> BRAND: All right, leave her
alone.
>> NOEL: Hey, it's not panto.
Come on. He asked me.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: It actually sort of
is.
She wouldn't...
I wouldn't get a say in it.
As long as...
You know, they can do whatever
they want, these people with
songs. They can cover...
>> No!
>> BRAND: What if she changed
the...
>> NOEL: 'Cause remember, 'cause
you did... 'cause you murdered
one of the Beatles songs, quite
famously, didn't you?
(laughter)
Didn't you?
>> BRAND: No, I didn't.
>> NOEL: Twice.
I think you murdered two of the
Beatles' songs, didn't you?
>> BRAND: Hold on. Now, listen,
when we're talking the Beatle
murders-- firstly, let's be
tasteful-- what I'll do, "When
I'm Sixty-Four"-- that was
bloody good-- and then, also,
what I've done, at the Olympics,
I've done, uh, "I Am the
Walrus."
>> NOEL: You've done a *** of
"I Am the Walrus."
>> BRAND: How can you sit there
and describe that as a ***
when many people are describing
it as the cultural highlight of
the century?
(applause and cheering)
>> NOEL: If by "many people,"
you mean those idiots in that
corridor.
Because no one else is.
>> BRAND: Actually, they didn't
like it.
But my mum said, "It was quite
good," she said.
But she was unable to look me in
the eye.
(laughter)
No, she said she didn't see it.
>> NOEL: No, no. Unfortunately,
a lot of other people did.
I seen it, and I...
>> BRAND: What was you thinking
when you was watching me?
Proud, was you?
>> NOEL: No, I thought, well,
what's he doing dressed as Willy
Wonka?
What the ... is he dressed as
Willy Wonka for?
What's that got to do with John
Lennon?
And then I thought, why is he on
top of a box?
Why... and why is he singing...
It's just ridiculous.
Get him off.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: That's what you were
thinking?
>> NOEL: Yeah.
I'm thinking it now.
>> BRAND: You're thinking it
now?
That's what you're... you're
thinking that?
>> NOEL: Where is your top hat,
by the way?
>> BRAND: I don't wear it unless
I'm being Willy Wonka.
>> NOEL: Why not?
>> BRAND: 'Cause I'm not in
character as Wonka currently.
You will know when I...
>> NOEL: What a pity, I would
say.
>> BRAND: Ooh, ooh, I'm Willy
Wonka, everything's a bit
psychedelic.
Now, look, I'm interviewing you,
excellently.
And that's why I know how to say
the word "interviewing."
(laughter)
This is a topic category
known as obsession.
"Noel, you have an unhealthy
obsession with World War Two."
>> NOEL: I do like it, I do like
a bit of World War Two, yeah.
>> BRAND: Why?
>> NOEL: Well, out of the two,
that was the best one.
(laughter)
>> BRAND: You ain't got to
choose a favorite one, like
they're your nans.
>> NOEL: No, it was the best
one.
It was the best one.
They had the best gear.
Not the best gear, the best...
(laughter)
>> BRAND: You've just managed to
offend so many people in such an
extraordinary variety of ways.
>> NOEL: What? Who?
>> BRAND: It was like a
kaleidoscope-- Well, firstly,
you, like, referenced gear.
Then you said that it was kind
of fun, the way the wars happen.
>> NOEL: I didn't say it was
fun.
>> BRAND: And I'm still angry
that you didn't enjoy my
performance at the Olympics.
>> NOEL: I didn't say it was
fun-- I said out of the two,
that was the best one.
>> BRAND: Do you like Hitler?
(laughter)
>> NOEL: You mean my cat?
I don't have a cat called
Hitler.
>> BRAND: Noel Gallagher admits
to having Nazi cat.
Bird genocide anticipated.
(laughter)
Apparently, according to life,
we've only got one minute
before, uh, before we have to
have a break, Noel, so let me
use this to ask you more
questions about the war.
If you was in that war, would
you liked to have been A) a
pilot, B) a George Formby star
musician back at base, C) a
cowardly noncombatant hiding in
a pantry?
>> NOEL: Or could I have been a
French ***?
(laughter)
>> BRAND: Noel Gallagher, a
gorgeous French ***.
We will be back here in a
matter of seconds with French
*** Noel Gallagher and
the radical thinker and
brilliant man, David Icke.
But first we've got some short
films about commerce.
See you in a minute after these
messages.
(applause and cheering)
(Noel and Brand laughing)
>> BRAND: This is very unusual.
>> BRAND: With Noel Gallagher,
this is a television program.
Uh, Noel, you're a big fan of
our next guest, aren't you?
>> NOEL: Yes, I am a fan.
>> BRAND: So, we're gonna do a
really good interview now.
Viewers in... viewers in, uh,
America, you may not yet be
aware of the mastermind, the
brilliant, uh, let's call him
mercurially minded philosopher
and theorist, but we in Britain
already embrace him to our
hearts.
A lot of the stuff he's saying
is out there, but what is out
there?
Please welcome to the stage the
magnificent David Icke!
(applause and cheering)
>> DAVID: Thank you.
(speaking indistinctly)
>> BRAND: Hello, David Icke.
Good. You sit there, mate.
>> DAVID: Just here?
>> BRAND: Yeah, we'll do
this bit properly.
>> DAVID: Oh.
>> BRAND: Right, let's do this
like an actual chat show.
Welcome to the... to the chat
show, David Icke.
>> DAVID: Thank you.
Oh, there's some up there and
all.
>> BRAND: Yeah, no, yeah...
(whooping)
There's people everywhere,
David-- they're loose among us.
Now, um, David... Noel, you went
and saw one of David Icke's
lectures, didn't you?
>> NOEL: Yeah, at Brixton
Academy in 2005? '04.
>> DAVID: Yeah, it would've been
around then, yeah.
My God, long time ago.
>> BRAND: What you're known for
is, like, theories, isn't it,
about...
>> DAVID: Hello.
>> BRAND: I felt like I needed
to be closer to you.
You're known for some theories,
some of which are-- they're all
pretty radical, aren't they?
What is it-- can you give us a
sort of a general idea of it?
'Cause my understanding of it is
we're being manipulated and
being lied to by the media.
That stuff I'm all cool with.
And I'm even cool with some of
the stuff that seems more
extreme.
But can you give people here,
American viewers, an
understanding of what we should
be thinking about and talking
about right now.
>> DAVID: Bloody hell.
(laughter)
When I talked at Wembley
recently, I talked for ten
hours, so shee...
>> BRAND: Okay. This is gonna be
tough.
>> DAVID: Basically, 'cause the
thing is, if you look... say
you've got a jigsaw puzzle and
there's pieces all over the
floor.
>> BRAND: Yes.
>> DAVID: And this puzzle piece
has something on it, that has
something on it, and they're
kind of interesting in and of
themselves.
But when you put them together,
suddenly I can see the bloody
picture now.
And I've spent 25 years, instead
of focusing on one dot, one kind
of specialization, one subject,
I've put a range of things
together.
And when you see that done--
that's why it takes ten hours--
um, people go, "Bloody hell, I
can see it now."
>> BRAND: So you think we're
myopically focused on one aspect
of reality to the exclusion of
other components of reality that
are important to the way we live
life, that we're being sort of
lied to and we're living in an
illusion.
What does that mean?
What does it mean?
>> DAVID: Well, let's... let's
look at it, um, in basic terms.
People now here are looking out
of their eyes and they will
believe that everything they can
see in the space they're looking
at is all there is to see.
Everyone thinks that.
Most people think that, anyway.
>> No!
>> BRAND: Don't argue with
David.
>> DAVID: When...
>> BRAND: 'Cause some of these
people are on drugs, so they can
probably see all sorts of
peculiar manifestations up here.
>> DAVID: When-- this is
mainstream science-- we can
see... a tiny, tiny, ludicrously
narrow band of frequency...
Someone rightly said humans are
basically blind.
The electromagnetic spectrum,
which involves many things that
we can't see-- infrared, X-ray,
all these things-- is naught
point naught naught five percent
of what mainstream science says
exists in the universe.
We can see a tiny fraction of
the naught point naught naught
five percent called visible
light, and everything else is
hidden from us; we can't see it.
Now, the idea that...
(laughter)
...the idea that when we are
basically blind, that we are
arrogant enough...
>> BRAND: That was a bit scary,
that bit.
>> DAVID :I know. Don't worry,
I'm okay.
I don't bite.
But arrogant enough to believe
that we know it all.
And I'll tell you what it's
like.
>> BRAND: I've got a really good
joke-- can I do it?
>> DAVID: Yeah, go on.
(Brand clears throat)
>> BRAND: It's to do with what
you were just saying, right?
Like, yeah, we do live in
a narrow bandwidth of visible
information, we live in the
material realm, only I would see
between infrared and ultraviolet
light, as demonstrated on that
color card there.
Even the decibel range that we
can hear, we can only hear... we
can't even hear a dog whistle,
can we?
And imagine if you didn't have a
sense of smell, imagine if
nobody had a sense of smell, how
would you explain the concept of
a sense of smell, the difference
between the smell of bacon, the
smell paint, if no one had that
sensory apparatus?
My cat does not know there is an
Internet.
(laughter)
But there is an Internet.
But to the cat, the Internet is
inconceivable, because he
doesn't have the mental
apparatus to conceive of it.
Noel only found out about the
Internet yesterday.
(laughter)
>> DAVID: Well...
>> BRAND: I did a joke, I did a
joke!
>> DAVID: Well, actually...
actually, it wasn't a joke, it
was true.
>> BRAND: Come on, David, I was
trying my hardest.
>> DAVID: You know, it was quite
funny, but...
(laughter)
...the best thing about it was,
it's bloody true.
You know... if we didn't have
computers, and I said to you,
"There's wireless Internet in
this theater," you'd go, "You're
bloody mad!
I can't see it. Where is it?"
But you get a computer and, "Oh,
yeah, good, yeah, wireless
Internet, yeah, that exists.
I can't see it, but I know it
exists 'cause it's on a screen."
And so there's so many things
that we dismiss...
>> BRAND: Mm.
>> DAVID: ...because we're
arrogant and ignorant enough to
believe that we know about
things we don't know about.
You know, there's a... the
ancient Greek philosopher
Socrates is supposed to have
said-- I don't care, it's a
great line-- "Wisdom is knowing
how little we know."
And when you...
>> BRAND: How does he know?
(laughter)
>> DAVID: True. The thing being,
though, that when you come from
that point of view, that
whatever you know, there's
always a fantastic more to know,
your mind is constantly open to
other possibility.
Most people, because they accept
the mainstream version of
everything, their focus is-is,
you know, pea-like in its range.
And, you know...
>> BRAND: I like it when you get
intense.
David, we've only got 30 seconds
before a commercial break, where
people are sold products in
their pea-like arrogant
perspective.
So, this is David Icke, who's
a wonderful man.
You're gonna stay with us, you
two, as we help our audience in
the next part.
Basically, what he's saying is
we live in a perspective of
reality that it is prescribed to
us and we can open our minds
real wide, baby.
I'm into David Icke.
We haven't even got to the
*** lizards yet.
See you in a minute.
We're coming back, we're gonna
help the audience.
>> BRAND: Hello.
This is a narrow bandwidth of
reality called television.
This is a narrow bandwidth of
reality called England, being
broadcast on a channel what is
called FX, which I think has got
a wide bandwidth.
I'm here with my guests, it's
Noel Gallagher and David Icke.
(applause and cheering)
In this bit of the show, we've
decided to take questions from
the audience so that they can
say whatever they want.
Try not to say anything mental
and try and direct it sort of so
that we can all do it, make it
more life questions.
Don't say something, "Oh, can I
get in your car?"
That would be a weird thing to
say.
Unless you're Billy Ocean, when
it would be okay.
Right, so, uh, let's, um...
Is he here?
>> NOEL: Think about it.
>> BRAND: That was all right,
wasn't it?
Okay, so who has a question for
me, Noel Gallagher and David
Icke?
Oh, you ***.
Ah, there's one.
Yes, woman over there who's
clearly been drinking.
What is your question?
>> WOMAN: Um, well, my friend
Alice is a philosophy graduate
and she specialized in this, and
she was just wondering, is there
a theory for alternate
universes.
I mean, are there lots of
different options for different
universes, or is there just...?
>> BRAND: I understand the
question, I understand the
question.
Are there a series of alternate
universes... Noel Gallagher?
(laughter)
That's funny, wasn't it?
>> NOEL: Probably.
>> BRAND: Well done, Noel.
Yes, there probably are.
Next question. (laughs)
No, David, come on.
>> DAVID: Well, it's real
simple.
You have radio stations sharing
the same space but not
interfering with each other
because they're on different
frequency bands.
You get a radio, you tune it to
one of those bands, that's what
you get.
So in the space that we are
occupying and experiencing are
endless universes on different
frequency bands sharing the same
space.
This body locks us in to this
tiny band of frequency which we
think... say is the world and we
think is everywhere, and it's
just a radio, television
station, that's all it is,
basically.
>> BRAND: See? He's right, he's
right, that's telling the truth.
Okay, um, David...
>> DAVID: Yes, mate?
>> BRAND: How do you know all
this stuff...
(man moans loudly)
Shut up, 'cause we'll ...
knock you out.
(laughter)
How do you... how do you... how
do you know all of this stuff?
And... yeah, I still got a bit
of that in me.
Um, how do you, uh, how do you
know all this stuff and then do
a normal thing like go and watch
football or, like, make a
sandwich?
>> DAVID: Well, because...
>> BRAND: Don't you just think,
"Oh, this is just a bloody load
of bandwidth."
I'm having a bandwidth sandwich.
>> DAVID: Well, what... what you
do realize when you come from
this perspective and you look at
it like that instead of like
that is that we're living in a
lunatic asylum, that's what
we're living in.
Absolute asylum. We are.
We are. And I'll tell you what
it's like.
If you're born into a lunatic
asylum and you grow up and you
become an adult in the lunatic
asylum and you've known nothing
else-- you don't know what's
outside the walls of the
asylum-- you think that what
goes on in the asylum is normal,
'cause it's your normal, 'cause
that's all you've ever known.
And then someone comes in and
says, "Actually, it's fricking
insane what goes on here!"
And you know what they say?
They go, "You're mad, mate."
>> BRAND: And, "How did you get
into our lunatic asylum?
There's very strict security
measures here, designed to keep
us in, but similarly, that
should keep you out.
Let me see your I.D."
>> DAVID: Jimmy Savile, isn't
he, then?
>> BRAND: Oh, no, David!
(audience groaning)
For our American viewers, Jimmy
Savile was a children's
television presenter who somehow
managed expertly to have his own
children's TV show.
Okay, so, um, can we have
another question from the
audience?
(man shouts)
Not that mad, drunk bloke.
Yeah, you can, mate.
>> MAN: Why the reptiles?
>> BRAND: He's asking the
question, "Why the reptiles?"
David.
Now, allow me to succinctly say
David believes there are
inter-dimensional reptilian
beings that interfere with the
frequency of our consciousness.
Is that sort of what you
believe, David?
>> DAVID: Uh, yeah. There's a
lot more to know.
But, you know, simply, yeah.
'Cause... it's important to talk
about this after you've talked
about the nature of reality,
because if they're operating
outside this narrow band of
frequency, they can manipulate
this reality, but we don't see
them, because they're outside of
our range of frequency.
And every religion and people
throughout history-- the
Christians called them demons;
the Islamic people called them
jinn; the Zulus called them
Chitauri, children of the
serpent; the Gnostic people of
2,000 years ago called them the
Archons-- all over the world,
they talk about these things.
>> BRAND: I understand, David.
But Joseph Campbell...
(spasmodic grunting)
...and Carl Jung...
(spasmodic grunting)
...would just say that this is,
like, examples of the collective
unconsciousness, that we have a
shared mythology 'cause we have
a shared psychology, that we
have the same cerebral
components so therefore we
conjure up the same mythological
narratives.
Do you think that that means
that there's an empirical, an
objective alternative species?
>> NOEL: Can I go to the ...
pub?
>> BRAND: You are not...
(laughter, cheering)
>> DAVID: Can I come?
>> BRAND: Don't you both start,
dang it!
Go to the pub, then!
No, don't go.
(laughter)
All right, Noel can go to the--
you can go to the pub if you
want.
>> BRAND: No, stay, stay till
the end of the show.
Don't be an ***.
(laughter)
But if you two go to the pub,
I'm turning this thing into an
***, after I've asked my mum to
leave.
Firstly, my mum will leave, then
this thing will become an ***.
So I think, listen, it's time to
wrap up the show.
What I think what we've learned
is that the way that we perceive
reality is not entirely
objective, that we, to a degree,
are living within a prescribed
reality, that we've learned.
And we've learned that Noel
Gallagher lies about the
Olympics.
David is gonna be back with us
next week for more questions.
We will be in London next week,
also.
People back in America, thank
you very much for watching us.
People here tonight, thank you
for a fantastic show.
Thank you, Eddie Izzard.
See you again next week for
more from David Icke.
And Noel Gallagher-- we're
chaining him to the floor.
You're all staying.
We're keeping the whole audience
here.
This show-- we're live forever.
Thank you very much.
Good night.