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- [laughing] STOP.
- I LOVE THE FACT THAT TINA'S CRAZY.
I LOVE IT. - ***, WHAT?
- SHE'S SO FULL OF LIFE.
IT'S AWESOME.
- JOHN IS OBSESSED WITH MONEY.
EVERYTHING TO HIM IS A DOLLAR SIGN.
- IT ROLLS OF MY TONGUE.
- YOU HAVE STUFF WITH TAGS ON IT.
- THIS IS GOOD FOR REGIFT-- THIS WE GIVE YOUR DAD.
- I LOVE BLAIR FOR WHO HE IS.
I WOULDN'T WANNA CHANGE HIM.
- I'M PRETTY DAMN FABULOUS TO HAVE FOUND THIS GUY.
- WE ARE ABSOLUTELY A POWER COUPLE.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- LIKE WILL SMITH--
- OH, WILL SMITH AND JADA. - JADA PINKETT.
- OR THE OBAMAS TOO.
I LOVE MICHELLE, WHAT SHE'S DOING THIS SEASON.
- [laughs]
- LET'S GO RIGHT NOW.
- 4:05. 4:05. - GO. GO, GO, GO.
- AS MUCH AS GUYS SAY THEY DON'T WANT THIS,
EVERY GUY REALLY DREAMS ABOUT THIS MOMENT.
- YOU DON'T EVEN OPEN UP YOUR BILLS.
THIS IS HOW WE GET IN TROUBLE. - NOW--
- CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU SPENT 380--
- YOU HAVE MORE MONEY WITH ME
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP THAN WITHOUT ME.
- BEFORE YOU SPEND IT, LET ME KNOW.
- OKAY. - HOLD ON, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
- I'M GONNA LIE TO YOU, SO DON'T EVEN ASK ME.
- I NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
- I HAVE TO HAVE MORE SEX.
- WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ME A CHECK...
- OKAY, PERFECT. - AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A ***?
- I WILL GET THE *** ELSEWHERE IF I HAVE TO.
- FEELS LIKE YOU DON'T TRUST ME BEING ALONE WITHOUT YOU.
- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL YOU LOSE IT.
- FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE, OKAY? - [sighs]
- YOU ARE SO DIFFERENT.
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM.
- WHAT IF THIS HAS BEEN A BIG MISTAKE.
- OH, YOU [bleep]!
- I NEVER EXPECTED IT TO BE LIKE THIS.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- I'M TINA, AND I'M MARRYING TARZU.
TARZ, LOOK.
I'M OUT THERE DOING WHAT ANY BRIDE DOES
BEFORE HER WEDDING DAY, WHICH IS GLITTERING THE LAWN.
LOOK HOW PRETTY THAT IS.
- OH, GOD.
- BABY, THIS IS A WEDDING.
- I'M TARZU, AND I'M MARRYING TINA.
I'VE BEEN COVERED IN GLITTER FOR FOUR YEARS.
I GO INTO MANY BUSINESS MEETINGS AND THERE'S GLITTER ON MY FACE,
GLITTER IN MY HAIR, OR GLITTER ON MY PHONE,
OR GLITTER ON MY...WHATEVER.
I THINK YOU GET THE POINT.
- I'M AN INDIAN POP STAR.
I'M VERY BOLLYWOOD DRAMA.
TARZ!
- MY REAL NAME IS DAVE.
MY NICKNAME IS TARZU.
- IT'S NOT, LIKE, AN INDIAN NAME.
IT'S JUST A MADE UP
YOU HAVE WEIRD LANKY ARMS AND LOOK LIKE TARZAN.
- I'M NOT SURE THIS IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD BE DOING
DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- WE HAVE THOUSANDS OF POUNDS
OF IRIDESCENT BLUE PEBBLE GLASS THAT WE BOUGHT.
THE WHOLE WEDDING'S JUST GONNA BE BOLLYWOOD, SO IT'LL BE FUN.
TARZ AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS.
HI, ZZ.
DO YOU WANT SOME MORE GLITTER?
COME ON, ZZ.
- I COMPLETELY PURSUED TINA.
SHE'S GORGEOUS AND BEAUTIFUL AND SO FRIGGING TALENTED.
SHE DRAWS YOU IN.
- I THOUGHT--I'M LIKE, "I'M NEVER GONNA BE WITH HIM.
I'M NEVER GONNA MARRY HIM."
'CAUSE THE PLAN WAS TO MARRY AN INDIAN.
BUT WE JUST CLICKED LIKE I'VE NEVER CLICKED WITH ANYBODY.
I GIVE UP.
- I GAVE HER-- - I GAVE UP TRYING
TO JUST RESIST WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS.
WHEN WE FIRST MET, WE COULDN'T STAY OFF EACH OTHER.
WE WERE DOING IT 24/7.
IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
BUT THE *** CHEMISTRY, YOU KNOW, DISSIPATED.
I'VE BEEN TOURING AND HE'S BEEN IN A STARTUP COMPANY
JUST WORKING HIS BUTT OFF.
BUT I'M NOT EXACTLY 20,
AND I THINK WE NEED TO JUST GET GOING ON THE BABY TRAIN.
AND I'M THINKING I'LL BE DRUNK AFTER MY WEDDING.
GOOD TIMING. DONE.
- I DON'T KNOW THAT WE SHOULD NECESSARILY DO IT IMMEDIATELY.
I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS--
- WE'RE DOING IT IMMEDIATELY.
- I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU GUYS YOUR LETTERS.
- OH, TO PUT IN THE--
- YEAH, YOU NEED TO GO AROUND AND TALK TO ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS.
- WAIT, "DEAR, LOVING NEIGHBORS"?
WHO WROTE THIS?
"DUE TO US BEING GOOD CITIZENS AND RESPECTFUL NEIGHBORS,
IT IS OUR OBLIGATION TO LET YOU KNOW THE EVENT WILL BE--"
I DON'T T-- - YOU ARE.
- MY LETTER WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME NOISE.
DEAL WITH IT OR SUCK IT."
- THAT'S NOT-- - THIS IS SO NICE.
- YOU'RE IN THE SOUTH, AND THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
- TINA LOVES BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.
IT'S DEFINITELY ABOUT TINA.
SO IT'S...PRETTY MUCH HOW THE REST OF MY LIFE IS GONNA GO.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA GO DROP THIS NOTE THAT SAYS
"DEAR, LOVING NEIGHBORS" AND--
SO THEY THINK WE'RE ACTUALLY NICE PEOPLE.
- HALF OF US ARE.
- I'M KATHRYN, AND I'M MARRYING JOHN.
I'M FEELING A "WORLDWIND" OF EMOTIONS
BECAUSE MY LIFESTYLE HAS BEEN VERY DIFFERENT BEFORE NOW.
I USUALLY WORK IN TV PRODUCTION,
AND IT WAS ALWAYS A FAST-PACED ENVIRONMENT.
I LIVED IN THE CITY.
I WAS GOING OUT ALL THE TIME AND I WAS YOUNG AND DATING,
AND I WAS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE.
AND I'VE GOTTEN MY HEART BROKEN AND SHORTLY AFTER,
YOU KNOW, JOHN CAME ALONG.
IT'S TIME.
I'M READY.
JOHN AND I ARE MOVING IN TOGETHER,
WHICH IS REALLY, REALLY OVERWHELMING,
A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING.
[thunder cracks]
THERE WAS NEVER A QUESTION WHERE WE WOULD BE LIVING,
BECAUSE JOHN ALREADY HAS HIS HOME
AND AN ESTABLISHED BUSINESS OUT IN LONG ISLAND.
WHATEVER I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW, IT DOESN'T MATTER
BECAUSE IT'S JUST NOT ABOUT ME ANYMORE
AND I'M READY TO FORGO WORKING
TO STAY AT HOME AND BE THERE FOR MY HUSBAND.
WE'RE GONNA START OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND, UM...
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
[doorbell rings]
BABY, I'M HERE.
- OH, YOU GOT MY GIFT. - MWAH.
- I'M JOHN, AND I'M MARRYING KATHRYN.
- I'M OFFICIALLY MOVED OUT.
- ARE YOU REALLY? - I'M OFFICIALLY READY.
- GREAT. - ARE YOU READY?
- YEAH, SURE. - ARE YOU READY?
- DO YOU NEED CLOSET SPACE?
IF YOU NEED CLOSET SPACE, I'M NOT READY.
I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO KATHRYN.
I THINK SHE'S GOT THIS BEAUTIFUL LOOK WHEN SHE SMILES.
SHE HAS WONDERFUL...UPPER...BREAST.
- JOHN PROPOSED TO ME SIX MONTHS AFTER WE WERE DATING
AND ARE NOW GONNA BE HUSBAND AND WIFE ALL IN ONE YEAR.
WE MET AT A RANDOM RESTAURANT.
- I SPILLED A DRINK ON HER.
- WELL TH-- - AND I HAD MEATBALL BREATH
THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT.
I THINK THAT'S HYSTERICAL.
- I STILL GAVE HIM MY NUMBER,
WHICH IS SHOCKING.
AND THEN I SAYS TO HIM, "YOU'RE GREEK.
"DID YOU GO TO YOUR MOM'S FOR DINNER?
I KNEW IT."
I WAS LIKE, I GET IT, RIGHT?
- THAT'S TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE.
- THE FIRST THING I'D LIKE TO CHANGE IN HIS PLACE
IS THE LIVING ROOM.
THE POOL TABLE NEEDS TO GO.
- I LOVE MY POOL TABLE.
I SAID NO WAY.
KATHRYN PLANS ON REDECORATING THE HOUSE.
I'M HOPING NOT TOO MUCH.
TECHNICALLY, REALLY, THE WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED
TO HAVE THE BIG WALK-IN CLOSET.
BUT IT--I LIVED LIKE THIS FOR EIGHT YEARS.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
CAN WE DO, LIKE, A HALF AND HALF?
- WELL, HE HAS THIS EXTENSIVE WALK-IN CLOSET
WITH CLOTHES GALORE,
BUT IT'S OUR HOME AND NOT JUST HIS ANYMORE.
WE'RE MAKING ROOM.
I ALREADY SEE IT.
- WE'RE DATING FOR A YEAR, AND EVERYONE SAYS TO ME
"YOU HAVEN'T KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH.
YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN. WHAT'S THE RUSH?"
- THIS IS DEFINITELY FARTY.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY FARTY.
YOU CAN JUST SAY IT'S NOT TASTEFUL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RUDE.
I'VE BEEN THROWN INTO THIS.
I HAD NO TIME TO THINK.
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE THROWING YOU INTO A MEETING
AND SAY, "HEY, DON'T WRITE ANY NOTES.
JUST WING IT."
THIS SHIRT-- - WE ARE LIVING IN 2000.
- THIS SHIRT WAS A GIFT FROM AN EX,
SO I DON'T THINK THAT'S APPROP--WHOA!
- JOHN WAS ENGAGED ONCE BEFORE.
HE WAS IN A SEVEN-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.
- BUT LOOK IT, IT LOOKS LIKE A DRESS.
[gasps]
THIS MIGHT BE THE EX'S DRESS ACTUALLY.
- YOU JUST BROUGHT HER UP THREE TIMES.
- I DID, RIGHT? - PUT IT IN THE PILE.
- I ACTUALLY BROKE UP THE ENGAGEMENT FOUR TIMES.
I JUST COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT.
DOES THIS HAVE SENTIMENTAL VALUE?
AND WHAT IS THIS THING?
THIS IS GONE. IT'S TERRIBLE.
- COMMITTING TO ANOTHER PERSON AND BECOMING ONE,
YOU DO LOSE A PART OF YOU AND YOU GAIN ANOTHER PART.
AND SO I KNOW THAT I'M GONNA CHANGE.
BUT I'M READY TO BE A WIFE
AND TO START A NEW LIFE WITH JOHN.
- I GIVE UP. FORGET IT.
I'M DONE. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
- SO WE'RE GONNA DO THE EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES
LIKE WE ALWAYS DO, RIGHT? - THE USE.
- ARE YOU DOING MY UNIBROW? - YES.
- MY BLONDE UNIBROW? - YES.
OKAY, NOW WE GOTTA DO THE LASHES.
- I'M BLAIR, AND I'M MARRYING JEFF.
YOU NEED TO GET A HOLD OF JEFF SOMETIME.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANY MALE
ESPECIALLY WOULD NEED THIS DONE.
- I'M JEFF.
I DO BACKGROUND INVESTIGATIONS FOR HOMELAND SECURITY.
I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET MARRIED.
I THOUGHT THAT WEDDINGS WERE FOR OTHER PEOPLE, NOT FOR ME.
- ARE YOU GUYS READY? - OH, HONEY, I WAS BORN READY.
FOR JEFF, ARE YOU KIDDING?
JEFF AND I MET JUNE 13, 2010.
- WE WERE AT A MUTUAL FRIEND'S PARTY FOR GAY PRIDE.
- AND I SWEAR ON MY LIFE IT WAS FULL-ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
HE WAS SO TWO SHEETS TO THE WIND.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE KNEW HE WAS COMING OR GOING.
BUT I KNEW. - DOESN'T MATTER.
- AND SO I SAID, "WHO ARE YOU
AND CAN I TAKE YOU TO DINNER TONIGHT?"
- IT WASN'T UNTIL OUR SECOND DATE TO CATALINA
THAT I COULD FEEL THIS CONNECTION.
- BUT THEN MIDWAY THROUGH THE TRIP WE HAD A HUGE FIGHT.
HE HAD LIED ABOUT HIS AGE FOR THAT WHOLE WEEK
AND SAID HE WAS, LIKE, 34.
AND HE WAS--I FOUND OUT HE WAS AT THE TIME 44.
- IT WASN'T THAT I WAS TRYING TO BE DECEPTIVE.
I WANTED HIM TO GIVE ME A CHANCE.
- IT BOTHERED ME ONLY BECAUSE
HE, LIKE, BLATANTLY LIED ABOUT IT.
THE AGE ITSELF DIDN'T BOTHER ME.
JEFF AND I ARE 16 1/2 YEARS APART.
I FIND IT VERY HOT AND SEXY.
COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S TIME FOR BLAIR'S SCHOOL OF DANCE, PART 5. OOP.
- OKAY. YOU KNOW HOW WE WANNA GET THIS THING RIGHT.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT DREW ME TO BLAIR
IS THAT HE BROUGHT ME OUT OF MY SHELL.
I JUST THINK THAT WE REALLY,
UH, COMPLEMENT EACH OTHER IN SO MANY WAYS.
I THINK I DO BEST WHEN YOU DO THE ONE-TWO OR WHAT--
HOW DO YOU DO IT? OH, THIS WAY.
- NO, SEE, YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING WAY TOO BIG A STEP.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO LIKE THAT.
I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT COMMITTING MYSELF
WITH HIM MY WHOLE LIFE, 'CAUSE HE'S MY ULTIMATE DREAM.
I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE HE CAN DELIVER THE REST OF MY LIFE,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
[both laugh]
I CAN FEEL YOU GETTING A LITTLE WARM DOWN THERE.
[both laugh]
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN MONOGAMOUS, AND THAT'S OUR VALUES.
- RIGHT, THAT'S PART OF WHAT GOT US TO THIS POINT.
- DIP ME ONE MORE TIME.
[grunts and laughs]
- HE TRULY HAS MY BACK.
AND I'VE NEVER HAD THAT BEFORE.
- I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.
BUT HE CAN'T DANCE.
MY GOD, JEFF. - NO.
- COMING UP ON NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR...
- SO NOW WE CAN DO IT ON THE BOAT.
AM I BORING YOU?
- YOU'RE BEING SO IMMATURE.
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA GO THERE.
- YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
I HAVE NO SAY. - SOUNDS GOOD.
- THAT ONE WAS GOOD. WHOA.
- WHAT'S MY NAME?
I'M KIM, AND I'M MARRYING ALASKA.
- GIRL YOU GOTTA. SHE DOES.
- I THROW ALASKA A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY
EVERY YEAR SINCE HE WAS 25.
- THAT'S GOOD. [clapping]
YES.
- I DO. - YES, DAHLING.
[all shriek]
- OH, MY GOD.
LIKE, I SMILE EVERY TIME WHEN I TALK ABOUT THE PROPOSAL.
WE WERE DATING SIX YEARS.
I'M NOT GONNA SAY I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET MARRIED,
BUT I WAS NOT EXPECTING A PROPOSAL WHATSOEVER.
[all shriek]
- I KNEW HER REACTION WOULD BE LARGE,
BUT IT WAS A CHAIN REACTION.
EVERYONE ELSE AROUND AND JUST STARTED SCREAMING AND CRYING
AND... [chuckles] GOING NUTS.
WE ARE ABSOLUTELY A POWER COUPLE.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- I'M AN A&R AT WARNER BROTHERS RECORDS.
I MANAGE SONG WRITERS, ARTISTS AND PRODUCERS.
MY OFFICE IS BASED IN L.A.
SO I'M BACK AND FORTH FROM L.A. TO NEW YORK A LOT.
- IS THIS SHEER? - IT'S SHEER.
- HONEY, YES.
I'M A WARDROBE STYLIST.
I'VE STYLED USHER, DRAKE.
- WE ARE 100% AMBITIOUS.
WILL SMITH AND JADA PINKETT... - OH, WILL SMITH AND JADA.
- ARE OUR IDEAL POWER COUPLE.
- OH, THE OBAMAS TOO. - THE OBAMAS.
- YEAH, I LOVE MICHELLE, WHAT SHE'S DOING THIS SEASON.
SHE LOOKS GREAT. - [laughs]
- ALASKA AND I ARE BOTH CHRISTIANS
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, WE'VE NEVER LIVED TOGETHER.
BUT NOW THE WE'RE GETTING MARRIED,
WE'RE GETTING A NEW PLACE AND WE'RE GONNA FURNISH IT TOGETHER.
- KIM. - YEAH?
- STRAIGHT TO THE BACK, TO THE RIGHT.
- I KNOW, I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THIS.
- [laughs]
- I'M EXCITED TO DECORATE WITH ALASKA.
BUT OF COURSE HE KEEPS TELLING ME
WE'RE GONNA BE LIVING IN L.A. AND IN NEW YORK,
SO WE REALLY WON'T SPEND A LOT OF TIME HERE.
- I MEAN, WE STILL FIGURING IT OUT.
- SO IMAGINE THERE WAS AN ALASKA SHOWER HEAD
AND THERE WAS A KIM V SHOWER HEAD
AND THEY WERE TOGETHER, FACE-TO-FACE.
- NAW. - TAKING SHOWERS TOGETHER?
- WELL, WE'RE TAKING SEPARATE SHOWERS
SO IT--IT DOESN'T MATTER. - NO, WE'RE NOT, ALASKA.
- YES, WE ARE. YO, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU THAT.
- NO, YOU S-- - THAT'S MY ME TIME.
- NO, BUT YOU SAID THAT--NO.
- FROM THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP
SHE HAS BEEN TRYING TO BREAK INTO THAT DANGER ZONE,
AND I REFUSE TO GIVE THAT UP TO HER.
I DEFINITELY SAID THAT. YES.
YES. - I FEEL LIKE IT'S SOMETHING
DEEPER ABOUT YOU NOT WANTING TO TAKE SHOWERS--
- NO, IT'S LITERALLY ME
WANTING TO JUST BE IN THE SHOWER BY MYSELF.
- OKAY. ALASKA KNOWS EVERYTHING. - THAT I DO.
- ALASKA AND I BELIEVE, AND WE'RE TAUGHT IN CHURCH,
THAT THE MAN IS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD...
- MM.
- AND THE WOMAN FOLLOWS HIS LEAD.
- IT'S NOT A DICTATORSHIP.
IT'S MORE OF A SUPPORT SYSTEM.
- I LIKE THIS THOUGH.
THIS IS, LIKE, REALLY TUSCAN AND--
- NAH, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
- YOU CAN'T SEE US WAKING UP TO THIS?
- UH-UH. IT'S MY CHOICE.
I LIKE SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE "MASCULINED."
- NO. - THAN...
- THAN WHAT?
OKAY, YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
I HAVE NO SAY. - REALLY?
SOUNDS GOOD. [laughs]
- ALASKA COULD BE A JERK SOMETIMES.
HE'S LIKE AN ALPHA MALE,
AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I LOVE ALPHA MALES.
DIAMOND THROW.
- YOU SOUND CRAZY RIGHT NOW.
- THAT COULD BE DIFFICULT GOING INTO THE MARRIAGE
IF WE DON'T FIND A HAPPY MEDIUM.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE.
- BUT I'M NOT.
- I'M HUNGRY AND TIRED.
- BUT I'M NOT.
- OKAY, PIE TIME.
- MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GET A SLICE, NOT A WHOLE PIE.
BLAIR COMES FROM THIS VERY WELL-OFF FAMILY.
HE PRETTY MUCH GOT WHATEVER HE WANTED.
- I WANT ONE SLICE FOR MYSELF.
SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET TWO SLICES.
- FINE, TWO SLICES.
- AND THEN I, FOR BREAKFAST, I WANT A DOUGHNUT.
- BLAIR, THERE'S WHOLE-GRAIN GRANOLA...
- EW, GROSS. - MUFFINS.
- YOU CAN DEFINITELY SEE THE AGE DIFFERENCE,
BECAUSE HE IS JUST VERY RESPONSIBLE.
- IF YOU WANNA TAKE A LONG WALK AFTER IT THEN GET A DOUGHNUT.
- IT'S CALLED PILATES FOR 55 MINUTES, JEFF.
- WELL, THEN YOU SHOULD GO.
BLAIR HAS MADE INCREDIBLE STRIDES IN GROWING UP,
BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN AREAS THAT HE DEFINITELY NEEDS TO WORK ON.
- I GO FIVE DAYS A WEEK.
- OKAY, BUDDHA.
- OH, YOU'RE SO PERFECT--
WELL, I GUESS YOU KIND OF ARE, BUT STILL.
- 'CAUSE I DON'T EAT DOUGHNUTS FOR BREAKFAST.
- I'LL TRADE YOU A DOUGHNUT FOR SEX TONIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
- DEAL. - OKAY.
WE'LL JUST TAKE THE PIE.
- YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME LATER, BELIEVE ME.
- WELL, I BETTER BE THANKING YOU IN BED.
MMM.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS SHOULD BE OUR WEDDING CAKE.
[moans]
MMM.
OH. MMM.
- ARE YOU DONE WITH THIS PIE NOW, 'CAUSE...
- UGH, JEFF, BACK TO PIE? - THIS IS DISGUSTING.
I WANNA TALK ABOUT, YOU KNOW,
HOW WE CAN DIVVY UP THE MONTHLY EXPENSES.
- WHEN JEFF AND I TALK ABOUT MONEY
IT'S NEVER E--AN EXCITING TOPIC.
IT'S, UM, AWKWARD.
- A LOT IS PAID FOR EVERY MONTH
THROUGH THE MORTGAGE AND PROPERTY TAXES,
AND IT'S COMING OUT OF MY PAYCHECK
AND NOW THAT WE'RE GETTING MARRIED,
I WANT TO INCREASE THE RENT JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE A MONTH.
- OKAY, SO IF YOU WANT ME TO PAY MORE RENT...
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S A FAIR AMOUNT.
- THEN I'M GONNA PAY LESS IN ENTERTAINMENT.
- WHY AM I FREAKING YOU OUT?
IT'S SOMETHING NORMAL TO TALK ABOUT.
YOU KNOW, FINANCIALLY BOTH CONTRIBUTING
TO OUR LIVING EXPENSES. - FINE.
- BLAIR NEEDS TO GROW UP WHEN IT COMES TO FINANCES.
HE'S ALWAYS BEEN IN A SITUATION WHERE HE DIDN'T EVER
HAVE TO REALLY THINK ABOUT THOSE KIND OF THINGS
BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST GIVEN TO HIM.
AND I DON'T WANNA CALL IT RENT, FIRST OF ALL--
- WELL, YOU JUST CALLED IT RENT.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU KEEP TERMING IT RENT.
- IT'S NOT A MORTGAGE BECAUSE MY NAME'S NOT ON THE HOUSE,
NOR WILL IT EVER BE, ACCORDING TO YOU.
MY PARENTS WENT THROUGH A NASTY DIVORCE WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.
SO IT'S HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT FINANCES
OR EXPENSES AS 'CAUSE IT BRINGS UP THE TWO Ds,
AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DOLLY PARTON'S ***.
I'M TALKING ABOUT DIVORCE AND DEATH.
AND WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THAT?
IF YOU'RE GONNA RAISE MY RENT THEN WE ALSO NEED
TO DISCUSS A LIVING WILL AFTER THE WEDDING TOO, YOU KNOW?
- IN THE WILL DO I GET YOUR WARDROBE THAT I CAN'T FIT INTO?
- OH, YOU'RE GONNA GO THERE?
LAST TIME I CHECKED, IF YOU DIE, YES, I GET A HOUSE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IF I DIE, YOU GET A FAMILY,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A FAMILY RIGHT NOW.
- BLAIR DOES DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT LITTLE JABS
TO GET IN TO HURT ME.
- DON'T FORGET THAT, JEFF.
FAMILY, HOUSE, PRICELESS. SORRY.
- YOU'RE BEING SO IMMATURE.
- AND YOU'RE GETTING MORE MONEY
WITH ME LIVING THERE.
IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW ME,
YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING THAT EXTRA...
- BUT BLAIR-- - 30,000 A YEAR FOR YOUR HOUSE.
- JUST TO BE FAIR, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE UNREASONABLE.
- FINE, I DON'T WANT TO-- EVERY YEAR ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'M PAYING
FOR YOUR MORTGAGE THAT I DON'T--
A HOUSE THAT MY NAME'S NOT ON.
- WE'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE GET TO IT.
- IT'S A VERY-- - FINE.
BUT I DON'T WANT IT GOING UP EVERY YEAR.
I WANT A RENT CONTROLLED MARRIAGE.
- OKAY.
- COMING UP ON NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR...
- HE IS NOT THE TYPE OF GUY I WANTED FOR A SON-IN-LAW.
- I JUST KNEW KIM WAS CRAZY WHEN SHE REQUESTED US TO LOSE WEIGHT.
- I NEEDED Y'ALL TO BE SLIM.
- KIM IS A HOUR LATE.
- OKAY. AS USUAL.
[all laugh]
- JUST THE WAY IT IS. - HEY, GIRL.
- HEY, HON.
- HI, CUTIE.
- HEY, BOO.
I LOVE THAT HAIR.
THAT'S COOL--OH, MY GOD.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE WAS TOGETHER?
I LOVE THOSE GIRLS,
BUT THEY SEE THINGS ONE WAY, I SEE THINGS ANOTHER WAY.
- I JUST KNEW KIM WAS CRAZY WHEN SHE REQUESTED US TO LOSE WEIGHT.
LIKE, WHEN SHE SAID WE HAD TO DROP TEN POUNDS.
- WHY DO YOU THINK THAT'S CRAZY?
I HAVE A STRONG VISION OF HOW I WANT THIS WEDDING TO LOOK.
I THOUGHT IT WILL BE PERFECT IF I CAN HAVE THEM
LOOK AS FLAWLESS AS POSSIBLE.
SO I ASKED THEM ALL TO LOSE WEIGHT.
I LOOK AT BODIES ALL THE TIME. - MM-HMM.
- I'M A STYLIST, AND I DON'T EVEN NEED A ZERO.
I'M NOT EVEN TRYING TO TALK ABOUT MARY KAY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT WHERE IT LOOKS GREAT ON CAMERA,
GREAT ON FILM.
IT SOUNDS SHALLOW, I KNOW.
BUT I CANNOT IMAGINE THAT I'M THE SLIMMEST ONE THERE
AND I JUST HAVE A LONG LINE OF--
- CHUBBY MAIDS. - CHUBBY BRIDESMAIDS.
- FOR IT TO BE AN ISSUE, WELL, Y'A--IF THE WEIGHT IT NOT LOST
THEN... - THEN YOU'RE NOT WALKING.
- YOU CAN'T WALK IN THE WEDDING.
I THINK THAT WAS THE MAJOR THING--
- AND FOR ME THE ONLY PROBLEM THAT I HAD WAS THAT
I WAS LIKE, "IS THIS MY FRIEND?"
- RIGHT. - MY FRIEND CAN BE MY FRIEND
364 OUT THE YEAR
WITH ME AT WHATEVER SIZE THAT I AM,
BUT I GOTTA BE-- - BUT I WANTED--I'M SORRY.
BUT I'VE ALL SEEN YOU GUYS SMALLER.
- YOU MET ME SMALLER. - I MET YOU SMALLER.
- [laughs]
- YOUR SISTER?
- UM, YES, 'CAUSE SHE WAS A TODDLER.
- I WANT WHAT I WANT, AND I THINK THAT'S A DIFFICULT THING
FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE TO GRASP.
LET ME REPHRASE THIS.
- YES. - PLEASE DO, KIM.
- EVERYBODY LOSES WEIGHT FOR WEDDINGS.
WHEN PEOPLE'S LIKE "OH, MY GOD.
GIRL, I GOTTA SLIM DOWN FOR THIS WEDDING."
- BUT IT'S NOT CONTINGENT UPON YOU BEING IN THE WEDDING.
- IT WAS A [bleep] EMAIL. - YES.
- LIKE, AND THAT EMAIL WAS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BECAUSE THE WAY IT WAS WORDED.
- MAYBE. - RIGHT.
- HOW WAS IT WORDED?
- I WAS OFFENDED BY THE MARTIN LUTHER KING DREAM.
I'M NOT TH-- - OH!
- YOU HAD A DREAM
THAT WE WERE ALL A FOUR.
- ***, I DID HAVE A DREAM.
WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT I WANT MY AESTHETIC
TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY?
WHY?
I WANTED MY BRIDESMAIDS TO LOSE WEIGHT.
YOU DID NOT ACCOMPLISH THAT.
I'M GOING BACK TO MY ORIGINAL PLAN
TO HAVING A GROOMSMAN WEDDING.
I NEEDED Y'ALL TO BE SLIM.
I'M NOT BUDGING ON THAT.
I'M SORRY.
I'M MARRYING ALASKA,
AND THAT'S REALLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
HOPEFULLY THOSE WHO LOVE US ARE STILL THERE
DURING THE WEDDING AND AFTER.
- DID YOU WAKE UP WITH A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP ON?
- [laughs]
- YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA WASH THAT OFF, RIGHT?
- I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME WITHOUT MAKEUP
UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING. - REALLY?
- YEAH, 'CAUSE THEN YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
- DUDE, YOU MOVED IN ON THE FIRST DAY.
I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU WITHOUT MAKEUP BEFORE.
WHEN SHE TAKES ALL HER MAKEUP OFF AND EVERYTHING,
TO ME THAT'S TINA.
THE OTHER TINA IS TINA THE PERFORMER,
BUT THAT'S M--THAT'S MY TINA.
- ARE YOU GONNA BE A PAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
- YEAH. ABSOLUTELY. - GREAT.
- ISN'T THAT PART OF THE...VOW OR SOMETHING.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW.
ARE WE SUPPOSED TO WRITE VOWS?
- IT'S A HINDU WEDDING.
I DON'T--I HAVE NO IDEA. - I DON'T KNOW EITHER!
THE WHOLE WEDDING IS ALL BOLLYWOOD.
- THE--THE WHOLE WEDDING IS ALL--
- MY RELIGION IS GLITTER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU HAVE SO MANY GOOD QUALITIES IN--IN ONE.
- I'M HIDING ALL THE BAD QUALITIES.
- YOU'RE NOT, I MEAN, YOU'RE A TOTAL BRILLIANT GEEK,
BUT YOU COME OFF AS A MORON.
LIKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN IDIOT WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
BUT NO ONE WOULD KNOW THAT UNDERNEATH
ALL THIS SURFER DUDE LOOK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
- HMM.
- I KNOW I LOVE YOU AND I'M EXCITED.
- ME TOO.
ME TOO.
- SO BABIES.
YOU JUST GET REALLY DRUNK AND FALL ASLEEP.
YOU WON'T EVEN FEEL A THING.
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW WHAT I KEEP "VISIONING?"
- THE HONEYMOON? I CAN'T WAIT.
IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL.
- NOBODY BUT YOU AND I FOR A WEEK.
- I HAVE THE LIST FOR VACATION.
TOOTHPASTE, DEODORANTS, COLOGNE, HAIR SPRAY--
- BABY, ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS?
WHY DO YOU NEED A LIST FOR THAT? - NO, IT'S NOT.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE GONE ON VACATION
AND I FORGET TO BRING MY-- - TOOTHPASTE?
JOHN AND HIS LISTS.
THERE'S A LIST FOR EVERYTHING.
THERE'S A VACATION LIST, THERE'S AN EVENING LIST,
THERE'S A MORNING LIST.
- HAIR GEL, SHAVING CREAM, Q-TIPS.
- EVERY DAY, "LET'S MAKE A LIST."
- DRESS SOCKS, REGULAR SOCKS, UNDERWEARS, JEANS.
AND I'M GOING TO PUT A QUANTITY COUNT ON THIS SIDE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE A LIST OF WHAT WE'RE GONNA NEED
BEFORE WE GO OUT TO DINNER.
- SIM CARDS? - YEAH.
- HOW YOU SPELL THAT? S-I-M? - PUT ON MY JACKET.
I PUT SOME LIPSTICK ON, AND I'M OUT THE DOOR.
- YOU SEE, NOW IF THAT WASN'T ON THE LIST, I'D FORGET IT.
- I AM GONNA HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES.
I DON'T NEED A LIST.
- MONEY, WALLET, DRIVER'S LICENSE.
- OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT MY NAILS. THEY'RE TERRIBLE.
MANICURES AND PEDICURES WITH THE GIRLS
IS SOMETHING THAT I ALWAYS DO.
AND I WANTED TO START A TRADITION INCLUDING ELLEN,
MY NEW SISTER-IN-LAW.
OH, NOW--NOW WE CAN RELAX.
REALLY, REALLY EXCITED... - I'M EXCITED TOO.
- TO HAVE A NEW ADDITION.
- YEAH, I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR FUTURE TOGETHER.
- I DO-- - AS SISTERS.
JOHN AND HIS SISTER REALLY HAVE THAT SPECIAL BOND.
AND I NEED TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A DEAR FRIEND TO ME.
- KATHY, ELLEN DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA GET MARRIED.
- YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA GET MARRIED.
- WOW.
- WHEN YOU GUYS GOT ENGAGED, I'M LIKE,
"JOHN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE ONLY DATING THIS GIRL
"FOR, LIKE, YOU KNOW, FOR SIX MONTHS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?" YOU KNOW?
- AT FIRST WHEN PEOPLE HEARD WE WERE ENGAGED AFTER SIX MONTHS,
WERE LIKE, "WHAT? DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S TOO SOON?"
THERE WAS TALK.
I KNOW WE HAVEN'T KNOWN EACH OTHER THAT LONG,
BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'VE GOTTEN CLOSER, LIKE, THROUGH JOHN.
AND WE'VE HUNG OUT A LOT OF TIMES.
WE KIND OF, LIKE, SHARE THE FLOOR JUST FINE, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH.
- I HAVE TO BRING SOMETHING UP.
I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING,
BUT I'M GONNA SAY IT ANYWAY.
REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN ALL OF US WENT OUT TO DINNER
FOR THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY,
AND YOU MADE THIS WHOLE ALBUM OF ALL OF US?
I'M SCROLLING THROUGH THE PICTURES,
GOING THROUGH THE ALBUM.
THERE WAS NOT ONE PICTURE OF ME IN THAT BOOK.
- WAS EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK?
LIKE, SIBLINGS? - YEAH.
IF YOU LOOK THROUGH IT, THERE'S NOT ONE PICTURE.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU MAY WANNA LOOK AT THAT BOOK AGAIN.
- I DON'T WANNA FEEL LIKE BECAUSE I'M IN THE PICTURE--
- I--YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I--
- I SEE IT ALREADY, THE TENSION BUILDING.
I DON'T WANNA FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING YOUR BROTHER AWAY.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY AT ALL.
- YEAH.
- IT IS OUR FAMILY NOW.
I KEEP TELLING MYSELF WHAT MATTERS
IS YOU'RE MARRYING THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS
AND YOU'RE STARTING A BEAUTIFUL LIFE TOGETHER.
SO THAT'S WHAT I KEEP TELLING MYSELF.
IT'S KINDA WORKING.
- OH, ENOUGH. - OH.
- THANK YOU. - YOU'LL--YOU'LL HAVE
12 OF THOSE LITTLE GLASSES.
SO I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I MEAN, DO YOU HAVE ANY FEARS OR--OR, LIKE, RESERVATIONS
OR ANYTHING? - YEAH.
- LIKE WHAT?
NO?
MY MOM PASSED AWAY THREE YEARS AGO TO THE DAY OF MY WEDDING.
- SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT.
SHE ALWAYS WANTS ALL OF US TO BE HAPPY AND CHEERFUL.
SO I THINK IT'S THE BEST TRIBUTE YOU PAID TO HER.
- YEAH.
- BUT AS FAR AS TARZU IS CONCERNED...
- I FEEL LIKE THE THREE OF US DON'T WORK,
AND IT'S KILLING ME, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT.
- IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT HIM.
- BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU... - IT'S MY HEART.
- WANT FROM HIM EITHER. - I DON'T KNOW EITHER
WHAT I WANT.
- MY DAD AND TARZ ARE IN THE PROCESS
OF LEARNING TO GET ALONG.
IS IT 'CAUSE HE'S NOT INDIAN?
- I LOVE HER DAD.
HE REALLY IS A GREAT GUY.
BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN EXPECTATIONS
THAT INDIAN FATHER-IN-LAWS HAVE OF INDIAN SON-IN-LAWS,
AND THAT'S NOT ME AT ALL.
- IF YOU HAD ASKED ME UP FRONT, I WOULD HAVE SAID NO.
I WANTED SOMEBODY WITH A STEADY CAREER.
NORMAL BEHAVIOR.
- WHAT IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR?
- OH, COME ON, HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING AT THE LAPTOP.
- IT'S BEEN ROUGH TO DESCRIBE TO MY DAD WHAT TARZ DOES.
TARZ HAS THIS MEDIA TECHNOLOGY COMPANY CALLED PANDOODLE.
IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN'T REALLY DEFINE VERY CLEARLY
TO SOMEONE WHO'S USED TO TRADITIONAL JOBS.
- I ASK HIM FOR SOMETHING.
HE SAYS, "CAN YOU GIVE ME 30 MINUTES?"
- HE'S ON A CONFERENCE CALL WITH SIX PEOPLE...
- NO, EVERY TIME I WANNA TALK TO HIM--
- AND YOU WANT SOMETHING AND HE CAN'T COME OUT OF THE ROOM.
- ANY TIME I WANNA TALK TO HIM...
- OH, MY GOD, HAVE A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING.
- HE'S ON HIS LAPTOP. "ONE MINUTE."
- I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH AUTHORITY,
SO IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME TO DO SOMETHING,
THERE'S A STRONG CHANCE NOT ONLY AM I NOT GOING TO DO IT,
THERE'S GONNA BE A BACKLASH.
- YOU WANT HIM TO BE IN A CONFERENCE CALL WITH TEN PEOPLE
AND THEN--AND THEN YOU--IT--IT'S "TARZU"?
AND YOU WANT HIM TO GO, "OH, HOLD ON.
"MY FATHER-IN-LAW'S CALLING ME.
JUST ONE SECOND." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- YES, I WANT THAT. - THAT'S NOT FAIR.
- HE WILL. I HAVEN'T HAD TIME FOR HIM.
I'VE BEEN ON TOUR TOO, AND NOW WE'RE GONNA
FIGURE IT OUT AND MAKE SOME CHANGES.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT'LL INVOLVE SCHEDULING SOME TIME.
I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
- SCHEDULING? - BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY
YOUR PROBLEM, DADDY.
I'M JUST SAYING YOU SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR MOM,
AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
BUT I'M JUST SAYING I DON'T HAVE THAT IN TARZ AND IT'S--
- YOU DON'T? - NO, I DO--
- YOU DON'T? - I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
LET ME FINISH, 'CAUSE I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
- THEN YOU ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION.
- YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL-- NO, I WANT HIM TO GO
AFTER HIS DREAMS TOO, DAD.
I DON'T THINK IT'S BECAUSE OF THE CULTURE THING EITHER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING THROUGH MY DAD'S HEAD.
I THINK HE NEEDS TO FIGURE IT OUT.
IT'S NOT FAIR TO TARZ, IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME.
BECAUSE I NEED US TO GET ALONG. I NEED IT.
OR YOU KNOW ME.
EVERY DAY I WILL JUST-- MY HEART WILL ACHE.
AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.
SO FIGURE IT OUT.
- HE IS NOT THE TYPE OF GUY I WANTED FOR A SON-IN-LAW.
- COMING UP ON NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR...
- I'M HERE IN THIS DRESS.
- OH, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
- WE HAVE GOTTA LIVE WITH IT.
- I SURE HAVE TO LIVE WITH A LOT OF THINGS THESE DAYS.
- IT'S CALLED GROWING UP, BLAIR.
- AND WHAT MEANS TO ME
IS THAT SHE'S WILLING TO GIVE ME ALL THE POWER.
- I'M THINKING ABOUT HONEYMOON.
- OH. - MM.
- WHERE ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING THAT?
- MEXICO.
- SO WHY NOT, LIKE, HAWAII?
- WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST MEXICO?
- WELL, MEXICO IS SO SPRING BREAK.
- IT'S NOT CANCUN.
- I JUST DON'T LIKE--I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF IT.
- YOU'RE NOT GOING, SO-- [all laugh]
I'M SORRY.
"I JUST DON'T WANNA GO THERE."
GUESS WHAT, I'M NOT TAKING YOU.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN
WE'RE GONNA TAKE THIS HONEYMOON TRIP,
BECAUSE WE'RE JUST SO BUSY THIS YEAR.
I'M TRYING TO PLAN IT NOW.
ONLY THE BIGGEST THING IS, LIKE, I'M TRYING TO KEEP IT A SECRET.
SO I CAN'T LOOK IT UP ON THE COMPUTER AT THE HOUSE
JUST BECAUSE-- - WHY?
- I'M SAYING SHE HAS LIKE ALL MY PASSWORDS.
AND THEN-- both: WHOA.
- YOU GUYS, L--REALLY?
- DO YOU HAVE ALL HER PASSWORDS?
- I HAVE ALL HER PASSWORDS, YES.
I GUESS THEY'RE CONCERNED THAT I'M GIVING UP ALL MY RIGHTS,
BUT I REALLY HAVE TO BE TRANSPARENT TO HER.
SHE HAS TO BE TRANSPARENT TO ME.
SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF "WHAT AM IN INSECURE ABOUT?"
WE HAD AN ISSUE ONCE WITH ONE OF HER EXES.
HE DECIDED TO SEND HER A PICTURE OF HIS *** ONE DAY.
IT PISSED ME OFF THAT HE DID THAT,
BUT AFTER I SAW THE SIZE OF IT, I ACTUALLY WASN'T THAT UPSET.
[laughs]
- HEY, MOM.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT'S HAPPENING TOMORROW?
- NO. WHAT?
- OH, GOSH, GO AHEAD AND MARK YOUR CALENDAR.
JEFF AND I ARE--ARE GONNA BE LEGAL TOMORROW, MOM.
- WHERE DO Y'ALL GO? TO THE COURTHOUSE?
- I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE COURTHOUSE OR THE GAY HOUSE
OR THE WHATEVER HOUSE, BUT IT'S SOME HOUSE IN DOWNTOWN.
- GAY MARRIAGE IS NOT ACTUALLY LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA,
BUT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP
DONE AND COMPLETED BEFORE WE HAVE THE CEREMONY IN APRIL.
- TOMORROW'S THE STUFFY, LEGAL IN AN OFFICE PART OF IT.
AND THEN APRIL IS THE FABULOUS PART OF IT
WITH THE PREACHER AND WITH MUSIC AND ALL THE GOOD STUFF.
- SO HOW WAS YOUR DAY TODAY? - IT WAS GOOD.
I DID MY FINAL SHOOT FOR AUSTRALIA.
I'M A HOLLYWOOD SHOWBIZ REPORTER
FOR THE NUMBER ONE MORNING SHOW IN AUSTRALIA.
I GOT TO SEE THE PREMIERE LAST NIGHT OF SEASON TWO OF REVENGE.
DEAR LORD, IT'S AMAZING.
I USED TO BE A POP STAR IN A BOY BAND
THAT WAS HUGE IN EUROPE AND ASIA
CALLED B3 WITH THREE BOYS.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ACTOR, DRAMATIC.
THAT'S JUST WHO I AM.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS SO GOOD. - MM-HMM.
- MOM SAVED THE DAY. - MM.
- WHEN I WAS GOING OVER THE INGREDIENTS WITH MOM
I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING TOMORROW, RIGHT?"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, WHAT?"
AND I HAD TO RE-TELL HER THAT WE'RE MAKING THIS LEGAL.
THEN SHE TEXTED ME AFTER I GOT OFF THE PHONE.
SHE WROTE "HERSCHEL THINKS IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT I'M OUT THERE WITH Y'ALL THIS WEEKEND."
AND I WAS LIKE, "DO NOT COME."
- I WOULD LOVE HER.
I WANT HER TO COME. - NO.
- BUT I LOVE YOUR MOM. - WE WILL SEE HER IN FOUR WEEKS.
I LOVE HER TOO.
THERE'S NO HARM AGAINST HER. I JUST--
- WELL, YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS DON'T EVEN KNOW, SO...
- THE LAST CONVERSATION WE HAD WITH JEFF'S PARENTS
ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS IN APRIL AFTER HE PROPOSED.
THEIR RESPONSE WAS VERY NEGATIVE.
- MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN THIS WAY ALL MY LIFE,
AND I'VE HAD TO ACCEPT IT.
IT'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.
I DIDN'T COME OUT TO MY PARENTS UNTIL I WAS PROBABLY 35.
BEING FORCED TO FACE THE FACT THAT I WAS GAY,
THEY REJECTED ME.
THEY HOPEFULLY WILL COME AROUND, AND WE'LL DEAL WITH IT THEN.
- [sighs] EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY
ALWAYS SUPPORTED MY SEXUALITY.
AND FOR JEFF TO HAVE NOT HAD THAT AND--
AND BE ALONE IS VERY HARD TO SEE HIM HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE YOUR
FREAKIN' PARENTS' INVITATION ON MY DESK.
WE HAVE TO PUT THEIR INVITATION IN THE MAIL, LIKE, ASAP.
- I KNOW. EXACTLY. - WHY DON'T WE DO IT AFTER
WE DO OUR DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP, BECAUSE THEN IT'S OFFICIAL?
- MM.
- WE FINALLY CAME TO THE DECISION
TO SEND JEFF'S MOM AND DAD A WEDDING INVITATION.
WHETHER THEY WANNA BE OR NOT,
WE'RE GONNA AT LEAST INVITE THEM.
AND THEY'LL PROBABLY THINK ABOUT IT AND THEN I DON'T KNOW.
- I DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE GIVING THEM A LOT OF CREDIT.
- I DON'T THINK THEY'LL COME. - I THINK THEY WILL RESPOND.
- IF IT'S BAD, YOU READ IT AND I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW ABOUT IT.
- IT'S NOT GONNA BE-- - CAUSE I'VE ALREADY--
- IT'S JUST GONNA BE THEIR POINT OF VIEW,
AND THAT'S JUST--WE HAVE GOTTA LIVE WITH IT.
THAT'S IT.
- SURE HAVE TO LIVE WITH A LOT OF THINGS THESE DAYS.
- IT'S CALLED GROWING UP, BLAIR.
- FINAL FITTING. - FINAL FITTING.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THE DAY IS TOMORROW?
- I KNOW. - OH, MY GOSH.
- I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING.
- [laughs]
- MY WEDDING GOWN, I WANTED TO GO ALL OUT.
WOW.
- IS EVERYTHING TODAY. - OH, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- READY FOR FINAL? - I'M READY.
EVERYBODY WHO BECOMES A BRIDE WILL KNOW
THAT WHATEVER BUDGET YOU HAVE, JUST THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW.
'CAUSE YOU ONLY GET MARRIED ONCE,
AND YOU ONLY GET TO FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS ONCE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, KAL?
- SO BEAUTIFUL. - LOOK AT THAT.
- OH, MY GOODNESS, THIS IS GORGEOUS, KATH.
- OH, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
THIS LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL. IT'S GORGEOUS.
- OKAY.
- OH, MY GOODNESS, KATHY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY LITTLE SISTER'S GETTING MARRIED.
YOU'VE COME SUCH A LONG WAY FROM, LIKE EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DEALT WITH AND... LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS
THAT BROKE YOUR HEART THAT WE WENT THROUGH TOGETHER AND--
- THIS TIME LAST YEAR, I WAS A SINGLE GIRL OUT THERE
GETTING MY HEART BROKEN,
GOING ON ONE BAD DATE AFTER ANOTHER
AND A YEAR LATER, I'M--I'M HERE IN THIS DRESS.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA LOSE MYSELF IN THE NEW LIFE
I'M STARTING, BUT I'VE KISSED A LOT OF FROGS,
AND THANK GOD JOHN CAME ALONG AND I'M OUT OF THIS,
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO RUN INTO HIS ARMS.
BEFORE I THOUGHT, LIKE, THIS WAS ALL FOR SOMEBODY ELSE,
AND NOW IT JUST-- IT MAKES IT FEEL REAL.
I JUST WANNA GO TO BED AND WAKE UP AND BE A BRIDE.
- COMING UP ON NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR...
- DO WE, LIKE, PUT OUR HAND OVER A BIBLE OR ANYTHING?
- I CAN'T READ IT. THE TEARS ARE IN MY EYES.
- YOU'RE SCARING ME RIGHT NOW.
WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
- ALASKA. - HEY.
- THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU FART A LOT.
ALASKA HAS, LIKE, AN OVERACTIVE SYSTEM.
HE FARTS ALL THE TIME.
ALASKA FARTS A LOT. - [laughs]
- I'M DEFINITELY A FARTER.
I'M NOT ASHAMED OF IT.
- I WAS NERVOUS FOR THE GIRLS, 'CAUSE I'M LIKE,
"YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW, HE'S ABOUT TO LIGHT IT UP."
- THE THING ABOUT MY GAS IS THAT ONCE IT COMES OUT,
IT WOULD TAKE THE ENTIRE ROOM.
IT'S LETHAL.
- I PRAY ABOUT IT.
LORD, PLEASE WORK ON HIS SYSTEM.
- I'M SORRY, LADIES.
- ISN'T THIS COOL, MOM? LOOK AT THIS.
- OH, AND LOOK AT ALL THE BLUE LIGHTS.
OH... - OH, MY GOODNESS.
[doorbell rings, dog barks]
- TARZ COMES FROM A VERY MELLOW, HAPPY, PEACEFUL FAMILY.
AND I'M NOT PEACEFUL. [laughs]
HI, FAMILY. FAMILY!
HI, HONEY.
- HI. - HOW ARE YOU?
- OH, MY GOD.
- YOU DON'T LIKE MY TARZINA PHONE?
- I DON'T.
- YOU DON'T? - THIS IS, LIKE, 10 POUNDS.
- I JUST GOT THIS NEW PHONE COVER
WITH CRYSTALS ALL OVER IT THAT I REALLY LOVE.
AND IT SAYS "TARZINA," WHICH IS OUR COUPLES NAME.
FASHION IS... - PAINFUL?
- PAINFUL. - THIS IS PAINFUL.
- YOU DIDN'T BY ANY CHANCE MOVE ANYTHING
OUT OF A DRAWER THAT I HAD?
DID YOU MOVE ANYTHING?
- ALL THAT WAS IN YOUR DRAWER WAS, LIKE,
CURLING IRONS AND-- - NO, I HAD--
THERE WERE A COUPLE BOXES IN THERE AS WELL.
- BOXES?
- I--OBVIOUSLY, IF I WAS GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING--
- YOU'RE SCARING ME RIGHT NOW. WHAT?
- I DON'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU.
- WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
- 'CAUSE THERE WAS-- - MY RING?
I HAVE TO BE EXCUSED.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
WHY EVEN TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
- 'CAUSE I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE MOVED IT.
- WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
I DON'T THINK TARZ TAKES ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.
HE'S ALWAYS JUST VERY EMOTIONALLY MONOTONE.
WELL, WHO WOULD CLEAN OUT YOUR BATHROOM DRAWER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- I DON'T THINK HE GETS UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING,
AND IT FRUSTRATES ME.
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?
- THE BOX? IT'S A WHITE BOX. - A WHITE BOX.
WHY WOULD I TAKE A BOX OUT OF YOUR DRAWER
WHEN WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE EACH OTHER'S RINGS?
- TINA VERY OFTEN OVERREACTS.
- I CAN'T-- I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.
- I HOPE SHE DOESN'T LOSE IT
ON OUR WEDDING WEEKEND.
- YOU LOST IT. YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
I'M JUST DONE.
HE NEEDS TO FIX IT, BECAUSE IF NOT,
I'M GONNA KILL EVERYBODY.
- CHRISSY, I'M READY FOR MAKEUP.
TODAY'S THE WEDDING DAY.
TODAY'S THE DAY THAT I'M ABOUT TO PUT ON MY DRESS
AND WALK DOWN THAT AISLE
AND NO LONGER BE A BOUGADIS.
I'M SO GLAD WE DECIDED TO DO THIS.
IT'S MAKING ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER
THAT I GET TO READ HIS LETTER.
WE THOUGHT IT'D BE GREAT TO JUST WRITE EACH OTHER A LETTER.
AND WE'RE BOTH GONNA READ IT
RIGHT BEFORE WE GET TO THE CHURCH.
- "DEAR JOHNNY..."
SHE'S GOT TERRIBLE HANDWRITING.
A LETTER'S A LETTER TO ME. I REALLY DON'T CARE.
- ♪ DA DA DA DA ♪
- "I CAN'T WAIT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE
"AND SEE YOU AGAIN.
THIS TIME, NOT A STRANGE, FUNNY BOY..."
WHAT?
- I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE MET HIM,
BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN BE MYSELF
IN MY MOST NEUROTIC,
AND HE JUST ACCEPTS IT.
IT'S JUST THE SMALL LITTLE THINGS
THAT HE DOESN'T THINK IS ROMANTIC,
BUT FOR ME GOES A LONG WAY.
[exhales, voice breaks]
I CAN'T READ IT. THE TEARS ARE IN MY EYES.
- "TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND, MY JOHNNY LOVE--I LOVE YOU."
WOW. I GOTTA READ IT AGAIN.
EVERYONE SAYS TO ME, "YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
WHAT'S THE RUSH?"
AND MY ANSWER TO THAT, REALLY, IS JUST WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW.
I THINK OUR ENERGY TOGETHER IS WONDERFUL.
I NEVER HAD THAT WITH ANOTHER PERSON BEFORE.
AND I'M WILLING TO TAKE THAT GAMBLE.
I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY
FELL IN LOVE, WHICH I HOPE SHE DOESN'T HEAR THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I GOT TEARS ALREADY.
- "I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE, UNCONDITIONALLY."
THAT WAS PERFECT.
- OH, MY GOSH, THAT'S SO CUTE.
WHAT DID YOU WRITE HIM?
- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER. [laughter]
- CHEERS, GUYS. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
- DAD, GO TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOUR WIFE
IN FRONT OF YOUR WEDDING PICTURE.
- WHY? - SO THAT WE CAN MAKE IT.
LET'S JUST GO.
I AM FREAKING OUT.
AND I PROMISED HIM I WILL MAKE IT THERE
AT THE ALTAR ON TIME,
AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING THE WAY I WANT IT TO.
[camera shutter clicks] I'M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.
I NEED A TISSUE, PLEASE. MY NOSE IS RUNNING.
I NEED A TISSUE!
I'M JUST HOPING THAT HE AND I STAY
EXACTLY THE WAY WE FEEL TODAY.
CAN--CAN WE GO? WE GOTTA GO.
RIGHT NOW, I DON'T THINK I THOUGHT ABOUT THE "WHAT IFs."
WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
SINCE, YOU KNOW, YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR PARENTS AND...
- THE IRONY IS THAT I'M THE "GAY" ONE OF THE FAMILY,
MEANING THE NOT "SOCIETY-APPROVED" ONE.
THAT I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH A ONE-TIME,
LIFETIME, HEALTHY MARRIAGE.
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THAT. I ALWAYS--
- NO, NO, NO. AND I FELT THAT.
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT I PROMISE TO HELP YOU FEEL SAFE
AND SECURE FOREVER.
I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU MORE.
I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
WHEN I WAS PRAYING, "GOD, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GAY,"
THAT THIS IS WHAT I HAD AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "I LOVE YOU MOST."
- I'M NOT GONNA DO WHAT YOU TELL ME TO DO.
HEY, REMEMBER CHRISTMAS DAY, YOU GOT ME THESE,
AND I GOT YOU THOSE, AND THEY MATCH PERFECTLY.
- UNBELIEVABLE. AND THAT WASN'T EVEN PLANNED.
- IT WAS NOT PLANNED. SWEAR ON MY LIFE.
I LOVE YOU TOO. - OH, THANK YOU.
[car engine starts]
- WE ARE MAKING THIS OFFICIAL IN THE STATE
OF GOOD OL' CALIFORNIA.
WE'RE GETTING... - IT'S GONNA BE ON PAPER.
- OUR PARTNERSHIP LICENSE.
ARE YOU NERVOUS? - NO, NOT AT ALL.
- YES, YOU ARE. YEAH. - A LITTLE BIT.
- YOU'RE HOLDING MY HAND VERY TIGHT.
- I KNOW. MY HANDS ARE SWEATING.
- YOU'RE NERVOUS. I CAN TELL.
I NEVER KNEW IT WAS HUMANLY POSSIBLE
TO FIND SOMEONE LIKE JEFF.
NOW I KNOW HOW JENNIFER HUDSON AND SANDRA BULLOCK FEEL,
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THAT'S HOW I FEEL FOR HAVING JEFF.
I WON THE OSCAR.
COME ON. - ALL RIGHT.
- CAN'T BE LATE FOR OUR VERY IMPORTANT DATE.
OH, BUT YOUR LAST NAME'S GONNA BE "LATE."
- RIGHT?
- WE DECIDED TO MAKE IT OFFICIAL AND HYPHENATE OUR LAST NAMES.
WE'RE DOING PEDERSEN-LATE.
HAND SANITIZER... OR NOT.
WE HAVE THIS RICH, BEAUTIFUL, SOULFUL,
COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
YOU CAN CALL IT "GAYAGE," YOU CAN CALL IT MARRIAGE,
YOU CAN CALL IT DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP--
- GAYAGE? - WELL, GAYAGE--
GAY AND MARRIAGE. I DON'T KNOW, I MADE IT UP.
THE POINT IS, I'M SIGNING WHAT THE STATE IS LETTING ME SIGN
TO PROVE THAT WE ARE TOGETHER, ON PAPER,
AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE AFTER THAT.
- 36. - OH.
THAT'S US. THAT WAS QUICK.
- CAN YOU GUYS FILL THIS OUT?
- UH-HUH.
WANT ME TO PUT JEFFREY OR JEFF? - JEFF. THAT'S GOOD.
THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL, INTIMATE TIME,
BUT IT FELT SO COLD AND STERILE AND JUST BUSINESSLIKE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- LIKE I WAS GOING TO APPLY FOR WELFARE OR SOMETHING.
- YEAH. EXACTLY. THAT'LL BE NEXT.
- YEAH, RIGHT?
- OKAY, HALFWAY THERE. CAN YOU SIGN THAT?
- DO WE, LIKE, PUT OUR HAND OVER A BIBLE OR ANYTHING?
- OUT DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP TELLS OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
THAT WE ARE A MONOGAMOUS, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
- UNLESS YOU'RE DYING, KEEP TRYING.
MEANING I WILL NOT GET A DIVORCE,
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY HAS MULTIPLE TIMES.
- WE'VE TAKEN THE NEXT LEAP TOWARDS SOMETHING THAT IS LEGAL
AND...ALL TOGETHER... IN CEMENT.
OH...
- I'M GONNA CRY. - [laughs]
NO, DON'T CRY, 'CAUSE YOU'LL MAKE ME CRY.
[laughter]
- SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
- WE LEAVE. - WE LEAVE?
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, HAVE A CEREMONY HERE?
- [laughs]
- COMING UP... - WE'RE JUST SO LATE.
THE ONE PLACE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LATE TO.
- FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, WE SHALL BE ONE.
- I'M NOT GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.
[indistinct chatter]
- I FOUND THE RING, THANK GOD.
I HAD LEFT IT IN THE CAR.
I'M EXCITED, BUT I'M APPREHENSIVE
BECAUSE IT'S MARRIAGE.
IT'S NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. IT'S SOMETHING THAT'S FOREVER.
- I'M FEELING COMPLETELY MIXED EMOTIONS.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE WITH TARZ,
BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHY ISN'T MY MOM HERE?
AND I'M MISSING HER LIKE CRAZY
AND NOT WANTING TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS WITHOUT HER.
- I DON'T THINK MY MARRYING AN INDIAN WOMAN
IS AN ISSUE AT ALL.
THERE WILL BE A LOT OF VERY INTERESTING
AND UNIQUE THINGS ABOUT IT,
STARTING WITH THE BARAAT, THE INDIAN WEDDING PROCESSION.
AND IT'S THE GROOM'S SIDE,
SO THE GROOM DANCES ALL THE WAY DOWN
TO THE BRIDE'S FAMILY'S HOUSE.
AND THE BRIDE'S FAMILY WELCOMES THEM INTO THEIR FAMILY.
[Indian wedding music]
♪ ♪
- WHAT IF I RAN OUT AND RUINED THE WHOLE WEDDING?
THAT'D BE VERY ME.
- WE SEE THE NEIGHBORS START TO COME OUT OF THE HOUSE,
AND WE'RE NOT SURE HOW THEY'RE GONNA REACT.
♪ ♪
- I CAN'T SEE. I WANNA SEE.
♪ ♪
I MISS MY MOM!
OH, I'M NOT GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.
I'M NOT GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.
- YOU ARE. COME ON. WE'RE HERE.
- [sighs] OH, GOD, TINA.
EVERYBODY'S DANCING UP A STORM. IT'S AMAZING.
[upbeat Greek music playing]
♪ ♪
- WE'RE JUST SO LATE. I JUST FEEL BAD.
IT WAS THE ONE PLACE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE LATE TO.
♪ ♪
- NO, I TELL YOU-- NO, NO.
GO STRAIGHT. GO STRAIGHT.
[horn plays "Here Comes the Bride" melody]
- WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE RIGHT PERSON,
YOU JUST WANT TO RUN INTO THEIR ARMS.
- MY HEART STOPPED.
IT WAS AS IF I SAW HER FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS COMING TOWARDS ME.
LIKE, THIS IS MY FUTURE.
WE'RE GONNA BE GRANDPARENTS TOGETHER.
- YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, BABY.
[organ music plays]
♪ ♪
- HI, FATHER.
- KATERINA, HOW ARE YOU?
- BECAUSE I'M TALLER THAN KATHRYN,
AND HER DRESS SEEMS TO BE
A LITTLE BIT BIGGER ON TOP COMING OUT,
THE FIRST THING OUT OF MY MIND WAS,
"WOW, LOOKS PRETTY GOOD DOWN THERE."
[laughs]
[solemn chorale music]
- THANK YOU, FATHER.
- THE PRIEST KEPT ON SAYING, "STOP TALKING."
HE WAS, LIKE, [speaks Greek], WHICH IN GREEK MEANS SHUT UP.
- [blows nose]
- SO YOU LEAVE THIS CHURCH VERY DIFFERENT
FROM HOW YOU CAME HERE.
AND THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT THE TWO ARE ONE.
- THE WORDS WERE SO SYMBOLIC OF WHAT IT'S GONNA MEAN
TO BE A WIFE.
THANK YOU.
- YOU MAY KISS...
- OH, HE WAS SAYING, "YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE."
I MISSED THE MOMENT.
[cheers and applause]
I LOVE YOU, BABY.
OH, I MISSED THE MOMENT!
- WE'RE MARRIED.
- I KNOW. I MISSED THE MOMENT.
I THOUGHT WE WERE BUILDING UP TO IT.
LIKE, WHERE WAS I? I DON'T REMEMBER
"KISS THE BRIDE" OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- WE'RE MARRIED!
[cheers and applause]
[Indian music playing]
♪ ♪
- [speaking foreign language]
- [speaking foreign language]
- EVERYTHING JUST MELTS AWAY WHEN I SEE TINA.
SHE JUST LOOKED STUNNING--
FROM HEAD TO TOE, A KNOCKOUT.
- MARRIAGE, TO ME, REALLY IS
WHAT I'VE SEEN WITH MY PARENTS.
AFTER 37 YEARS, MY DAD STILL USED TO TRY
TO GET OUT OF WORK EARLY BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE,
"I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE MY WIFE."
I'VE SEEN MY DAD ADORE MY MOM UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED,
AND I WANT THAT.
[laughter]
- [laughs] LOKI--
- HE'S A PART OF THE FAMILY. [laughs]
- WHAT I WANT FROM MY MARRIAGE WITH TINA
IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE MARRIAGE
THAT HER MOTHER AND FATHER HAD,
WHERE THEY SPENT ALL THEIR TIME TOGETHER.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. IT'S JUST NOT ME.
YOU SEARCH YOUR WHOLE LIFE SOMETIMES
AND NEVER FIND THAT PERSON.
AND I WAS ONE OF THE FORTUNATE ONES.
- YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP TOGETHER.
- BUT I'M GONNA LOVE HER IN MY OWN WAY
AND ON MY OWN TERMS.
[cheers and applause]
- BYE, GUYS. - GOOD-BYE.
- HEY.
- THANK YOU FOR COMING.
WE HAVE AN HOUR BETWEEN THE CEREMONY AND RECEPTION.
- YEAH.
YEAH.
- AM I BORING YOU? - OH, VERY.
- [laughs]
WHY CAN'T WE START BABYMAKING?
- NOT TONIGHT. - WHY?
IT TAKES YOU, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES.
LOOK, IF WE REALLY TRY-- - TOO FAR OUT.
- WE'RE TOO FAR OUT?
LET'S JUST LEAVE AND NOT GO BACK.
[giggles]
[people cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
- TODAY IS EVERYTHING THAT I'VE HOPED FOR.
EVERYTHING IS REALLY SLEEK AND RICH AND DISTINGUISHED.
VINTAGE CANDELABRAS FLOWN IN FROM PARIS--
IT'S VERY MARIE ANTOINETTE.
IT'S LITERALLY MAGNIFICENT.
- MY GROOMSMEN ARE RAT PACK MEETS DOWNTOWN.
SKINNY TIE, ALL BLACK AND WHITE.
FRANK SINATRA.
I LOVE THAT WHOLE AESTHETIC.
- MY DRESS IS MADE BY ST. PUCCHI.
THE SKIRT IS SHREDDED TULLE.
I HAD MY SASH MADE FROM MY GRANDMOTHER'S GOWN
THAT SHE WORE 63 YEARS AGO.
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FAIRY TALE RIGHT NOW,
AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, OH, MY GOD!
- AS MUCH AS GUYS SAY THEY DON'T WANT THIS,
EVERY GUY REALLY DREAMS ABOUT THIS MOMENT.
[guests cheering]
- KIM, DO YOU TAKE ALASKA AS YOUR HUSBAND,
SUBMITTING YOURSELF TO HIM
AS THE HEAD OF THIS UNION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES?
- I STRUGGLED WITH THE WORD "SUBMISSION"
FOR A LOT OF YEARS,
BECAUSE IT WAS ALMOST LIKE YOU ARE SEEN AND NOT HEARD.
BUT I TRUST THAT I CAN STILL BE MY OWN PERSON.
- I DO. - YES!
WHAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME IS THAT SHE'S WILLING
TO GIVE ME ALL THE POWER.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO RIGHT BY HER.
- FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD... - FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD...
- WE SHALL BE ONE.
- WE SHALL BE ONE.
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU ONE TOGETHER.
- YOU NEVER WANT YOUR WIFE TO FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE INSENSITIVE TOWARDS HER.
I HAVE A TENDENCY OF BEING A JERK.
BUT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, THAT'S ONE THING
I DON'T WANT TO BRING INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP.
- THERE'S NO WAY THAT ANYTHING COULD SEPARATE
WHAT GOD HAS BROUGHT TOGETHER.
- COMING UP... - I'M ACTUALLY A TRAINED DANCER.
JEFF, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS FOUR LEFT FEET.
- SHE'S GIVING UP HER NAME. SHE'S MOVING IN WITH ME.
WHAT AM I REALLY GIVING UP?
- YEAH!
- OH, MY GOD!
- YOU LIKE THE LANTERNS?
- OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO SEXY.
- THERE YOU ARE.
- IT'S OUR FIRST BIG, FANCY PARTY TOGETHER
AS A NEWLY DOMESTICATED COUPLE.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
IT REALLY MEANS A LOT. I MEAN THAT,
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
BLAIR'S BROTHER COMING HERE ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS--
THAT SUPPORT SYSTEM MEANS A LOT.
'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE THAT GROWING UP.
- LET'S SEE YOU DANCE, BLAIR.
[dance music playing]
♪ ♪
- I LOVE TO DANCE.
[surprised cheers]
I'M ACTUALLY A TRAINED DANCER.
DID TAP, JAZZ, AND BALLET FOR ABOUT 15 YEARS.
JEFF, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS FOUR LEFT FEET.
- MY DANCING IS GETTING BETTER.
DEFINITELY, I THINK. DON'T YOU THINK?
I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
THIS HAS BEEN AN AMAZING RIDE WITH YOU, BLAIR.
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU,
AND YOU MAKE ME BE THE BEST PERSON I CAN BE.
AND I LOVE YOU.
THIS IS A NEW FEELING FOR ME
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD THIS TYPE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
AND ACCEPTANCE.
- I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY DUTY
TO MAKE UP FOR HIS CHILDHOOD.
BUT I STILL CAN'T GO INSIDE HIM AND, LIKE,
MEND THAT HEART.
I WISH.
- HE'S THE EMOTIONAL ONE. [chuckles]
I THINK IT'S JUST A MATTER OF US LEARNING
WHAT WE'RE CAPABLE OF GIVING,
AND BEING ABLE TO ACCEPT THAT AND KNOW
THAT WE'RE NEVER GONNA ALWAYS BE WHO WE WANT EACH OTHER TO BE.
- TO BLAIR AND JEFF.
[cheers] - THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT...
DO WHAT I DO. READY?
THINK OF THE PLANE. YOU AND I ON THAT PLANE.
AND WE'RE OFF FOR A WEEK.
YOU GOT IT? - YES.
- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU AND ME.
- I'M NOT USED TO WEARING TIES EITHER.
- WELL, BABY, I'M NOT USED TO YOUR RING.
- ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME FOR THE FIRST TIME AS HUSBAND AND WIFE,
THE NEW MR. AND MRS. JOHN AND KATHRYN LAGOUDES!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music playing]
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THEIR FIRST DANCE
AS HUSBAND AND WIFE...
- I'M SAD TO LET GO OF MY MAIDEN NAME,
BUT OUR NAMES ARE VERY SIMILAR.
YEAH!
AND THERE'S NO WAY I'M HYPHENATING
BOUGADIS AND LAGOUDES
- DANCING IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE THE GROOM.
NOT TO BRAG, I LOVE DANCING GREEK--I'M A GOOD DANCER.
[guests cheering]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
I FELT LIKE A GREEK GODDESS.
I FEEL BAD FOR WOMEN. THEY GO THROUGH A LOT
AFTER THEY GET MARRIED.
SHE'S GIVING UP HER NAME, SHE'S MOVING IN WITH ME.
WHAT AM I REALLY GIVING UP? NOTHING, REALLY.
- I HAVE MODERN VIEWS, AND I'M NOT GONNA LOSE THAT.
BUT JOHN WANTS A TRADITIONAL LIFE.
SO WE'LL SEE.
- COMING UP... - OH, NO...
SHE'S GONNA KILL ME.
- OH, YOU [bleep]!
[Indian music playing]
♪ ♪
- WATCHING TINA'S DAD DANCE IS ALWAYS AN AMAZING THING.
- HE'S GOT MOVES.
HE'S GOT HIS OWN SPECIAL MOVES, THAT'S FOR SURE.
[cheers and applause]
- IT'S VERY TRADITIONAL TO DO SKITS AT AN INDIAN WEDDING.
AND THE SKIT THAT TINA AND I ARE DOING IS
ME TRYING TO IMPRESS HER WITH MY RIDICULOUS DANCE MOVES.
[indistinct cheers]
[cheers and applause]
- OH, YOU [bleep]!
[gasps and groans]
- AH, MY LOVELY NEW BRIDE.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU BROKE MY-- UGH!
I MEAN, I-- YEAH, I--
- I HATE YOU.
- MARRIAGE GOT A LOT SCARIER AT THAT POINT, I THINK.
- DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW LONG THE ANNULMENT PERIOD IS?
- THIS SEASON ON NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR...
- OH, YEAH. I FEEL LOVED.
- [laughs]
- I'M LITERALLY THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.
LITERALLY.
- I THINK I ABSOLUTELY DESERVE THIS FANTASY.
- I GIVE YOU THIS RING AS A SYMBOL OF MY ETERNAL LOVE.
[cheers and applause]
- HOW COOL IS THIS, HUH? - BABE, THIS IS EVERYTHING.
- I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYONE ELSE BETTER
TO HAVE WITH ME. - OH, GOD, JEFF!
- I LOVE YOU. - I LOVE YOU TOO.
- I'M NOT READY TO GO BACK TO REALITY.
- [laughs]
- WE ARE MARRIED NOW. YOU CAN'T LOCK THE DOOR.
- FLUFF 'EM UP. - HONEY, IT'S FINE.
- I MADE, LIKE, A LIST FOR YOU TOO FOR TODAY.
- YOU GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK. - THE WHOLE DAY, YOU'VE BEEN
ANNOYING ME AND *** ME OFF. - YOU'VE BEEN ANNOYING ME.
- DO YOU *** ALMOST EVERY DAY?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- I DID EVERYTHING I COULD. WHAT DO I DO TO TURN ON YOUR SON?
DO YOU EVER LOOK AT ME AND JUST FEEL, LIKE, ***?
- WHAT IS THIS?
- OH, GOD, LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRUG IN.
- CAN YOU LET ME TALK? - DID YOU SAY THAT?
- CAN YOU LET ME TALK? - DID YOU SAY THAT?
- I ALREADY KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
- HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES M FEEL?
- WHAT I WOULD LIKE IS A FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIP.
- SO I'M SUPPOSED TO FEEL HAPPY?
- I'M PAYING MORE, JEFF! I'M PAYING MORE ALREADY!
- I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM.
DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION.
SOMEONE HAS TO DIE, AND IT WON'T BE ME.
- I'M FREAKING OUT, ELLEN. - DON'T FREAK OUT.
- OH, MY GOD, I GOTTA CALM DOWN.
[siren blares]
- WERE YOU EXPECTING SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
- NO. - I'M SORRY, HONEY.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT MAKE-BELIEVE WORLD I WAS LIVING IN.
- ISN'T THIS AWESOME?
- "PREGNANT: TWO LINES. NOT PREGNANT: ONE LINE."
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. [sighs]
- FOR MORE NEWLYWEDS: THE FIRST YEAR,
GO TO BRAVOTV.COM.
[monkey chatters]