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Previously on Places Please.
(Emmy) Are you kidding me? You never answer your phones. Are you retarded?
(Jack) Another vanity project by a spoiled little girl who thinks she's an actress.
(Fitz) Oh lighten up Jackie, how bad can it be?
(Cammy) My Uncle Marty has always said I look exactly like Sarah Jessica Parker.
[theme song]
[music playing]
(Emmy) So did you like it?
(Fitz) What? (Emmy) I lent Jack all of my Sex and the City DVDs.
(Fitz) Oh so that's what you've been doing all week? (Jack) Yeah.
(Fitz) And that's why you never opened up your door.
(Jack) I would have told you to come and watch with me but all the sex scenes were
non-sexy after you find out what happens before and after.
[laughs] (Fitz) Well thanks.
See that's what I like. I like to keep my sex scenes uncomplicated without all of that-
(Emmy) Plot?
(Fitz) Yeah.
(Trevor) So you watched all of it?
(Fitz) What's your name again homeboy?
(Emmy) That's Trevor. (Fitz) Oh that's cool homeboy. (Trevor) I'm not your homeboy 'dude.'
(Jack) Fitz! (Fitz) What?
(Fitz) Is this the only guy you could get? Didn't you go to school in Newark?
(Jack) I tried to get the 'King of Hoboken' but he's busy doing his own ***.
(Fitz) Yeah well homeboy here ain't no king.
(Trevor) All right. You know what? That's it. I'm out.
(Emmy) No, no, no. Please. We need you ok? This is a really really good gig.
(Fitz) Besides. You get to make out with her.
(Emmy) Fitz! (Fitz) What?
(Jack) I can feel the testosterone seep out of me episode after every ***
episode I watched.
(Trevor) Hey Jack, what did you think about them incorporating
you know, Carrie running into Mr. Big right. She runs into him and then before
she leaves the limo she asks him
have you ever been in love? And then he looks at her, right. He looks at her and he goes
'Abso-****ing-lutely.'
And then he says it again to her in the last episode.
(Fitz) You know what I don't get? (Jack) Oh here we go. (Fitz) No it makes no sense it's stupid.
They have these four women all living in New York and they all have these huge apartments.
(Emmy) They already explained all of this! Okay!
Carrie's in a rent-controlled apartment. Miranda's a partner at a law firm.
Charlotte got hers from the divorce. And Samantha has her own PR firm. I mean how...
(Jack) Why can't I get a decent ****ing script to do?
(Fitz) Remember. This is under the table. We'll be set up for months.
[music playing]
(Emmy) Trevor. Honestly, thanks again.
(Trevor) Oh yeah, you know it's hard to find work anyway.
I mean I'm glad I ran into your ad.
And you know I might also add in there that I am extremely honored
to be part of your production.
Mr. Big should be a very challenging role for me.
(Fitz) It's definitely going to be a weighty role, huh?
(Emmy) Fitz! (Fitz) What?
(Trevor) So, this Uncle Marty of hers is supposed to front the money?
(Jack) Yeah. Supposedly he couldn't do it because he was working on something.
(Fitz) Yeah, probably working on his next ***. [Jack laughs]
(Emmy) What? Scuzz!
(Fitz) Hey don't get mad at me! You're the one that got us this contact.
(Trevor) How do you know he does ***? (Emmy) It's not ***.
(Jack) Sweetness. You said his resume had titles like 'Angry Studs'
'Pizza Delivery Man,' 'Good-****ing guys.'
(Fitz) ***! (Jack) Yeah. We watch enough *** to know *** titles when we see them.
(Emmy) That's disgusting! Okay. The uncle's legit. She said he even
won some awards or something.
(Jack) Yeah, get this Trev: She said He's won an award called an 'Orpheus.'
(Trevor) I see. I see.
You know there's nothing wrong with *** actually.
I mean you know me and my **** buddy,
we get it on after our weekly *** night.
(Emmy) Wow. Ok. TMI.
(Jack) My soul itches.
I don't feel good about this gig.
(Fitz) This is cash. Cash! We're all working on this. We're all getting paid.
This is just a stepping stone for all of us like we all wanted.
We're driving to the beach. (Jack) Dude!
We're not even shooting at the beach and it's called 'Sex and the Beach.'
(Emmy) You know I didn't even know there was a beach in Hoboken.
(Trevor) Yeah there isn't.
(Emmy) What? Why would Cammy want to shoot there?
(Fitz) Wait. No beach? What the hell! (Jack) Did you even read the script? (Fitz) Why?
(Jack) You're shooting it!
(Fitz) Jack you see how much I trust you?
(Emmy) Look I really need this role. This is the first time in a long time
that I'm actually getting to play somebody
halfway normal.
(Fitz) Besides you're working with friends. What more could you ask for?
(Jack) I guess you're right.
(Fitz) I know I'm right. Think about it. It's an internet spoof. Easy script.
Sure it sucks but what doesn't?
Cash, friends, beach. (Jack) No beach.
(Fitz) We'll go later.
We'll be laughing about this after we wrap. We're getting the better end of the deal here my friend.
(Trevor) So, do you guys have a picture of my leading lady?
The Carrie to my Mr. Big?
(Jack) Wait, don't!
(Trevor) Oh do you think we need a bigger lens?
(Fitz) No, definitely not!
Next time on Places Please.
(Jack) We're shooting this Sex and the City spoof in a fricking *** factory in Hoboken!
(Cammy) Jack! Are you ****ing retarded!?
(Fitz) She ate homeboy. (Emmy) No, we're done.
[monster sound]