Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Previously, on House of Lies
Rich little
thinks he got the moves.
Biter?
Biter.
Listen.
I don't care
what your grandpa said.
When I tell you
to do something, you
You take Colossal Foods,
I take Free Range.
We share a little intel,
play both companies
against the middle,
keep them on the hook
forever.
I just landed us
a multi-year contract
with the Department of Justice.
That is huge.
And the small caveat
is that we need
to dump DollaHyde.
Oh.
See, that's a big caveat.
What if I could deliver some
incriminating financial records
on Lukas Frye and Dre Collins?
Could we trade that
for the DOJ contract?
Absolutely.
Hey
What?
I love you.
Hey.
You're here.
Yep.
It's my house.
Right.
Are you making me breakfast?
I am.
Pancakes.
Look at this.
See? You gotta whip the ***
out of these eggs whites.
Uh-oh.
What?
I just got very turned on
when you said that.
Oh.
Marty?
Yeah?
Whatever this is,
I really like it.
Me, too.
Can we keep doing it?
Yeah, we can keep doing it.
Let's keep doing it.
For a really long time.
Okay.
We're gonna do this, right?
I mean, we gotta do it.
I don't think I can,
again.
I mean, I want to
but I don't
honestly, I don't
think I can handle it.
Oh, come on.
You-you know
what I meant.
Okay.
Yes.
You're saying yes
to a real date?
A real date.
For reals.
Tonight.
Tonight.
Jeannie, I will make
a *** reservation, okay?
Okay.
Make it.
I'll be there.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm serious.
No, don't
I got to, I got to.
Come on.
Dougie.
No Doug.
Sorry, Doug.
Mama says no.
Oy.
Busy.
Doug again.
No.
No.
We already had this discussion.
It's Clyde.
Doug, again.
Hey.
Hi, Doug.
Clyde, slow down, man.
Are you crying?
What?
***.
*** me.
No unauthorized personnel
Yeah, these
Do you have any idea
what this is about?
No.
I have no idea.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Do you mind telling me
what the *** is going on?
Actually, yeah, I do.
Who the *** are you?
Watch yourself.
I'm Jesus.
I'm Marty Kaan.
This is my company.
And and hers.
Could I see some ID?
Some ID.
Man of the hour.
My professional opinion,
you are deeply ***.
This doesn't say what
it is specifically
that you're looking for.
What do you think
I'm looking for?
Seriously, Columbo?
How 'bout you just
tell me what it is
you are looking for?
Then maybe I can
help you guys find it.
Marty,
I think we just need
to call Ben Hyam.
Yeah, or you and your friends
can get the ***
out of my office
until we can reach counsel.
How about that?
You don't have
that luxury, Mr.
Kaan.
I'm just here
executing a warrant.
You can go in
the conference room
and wait with your associates.
Or not.
I didn't give you a choice.
You can do that now.
Okay.
Let's go.
What did they say?
We can't leave.
We can't leave.
What is going on, huh?
Who did this?
Was it your ***
crazy *** ex-wife?
Is that who did this?
Well, you know, I'm not
actually experiencing
an enemy shortage at this point,
but if I was guessing,
I'm gonna say
It's gotta be about DollaHyde.
It's 100%
No, no.
We have no exposure on that.
They're not gonna prosecute you
for killing Lukas's dog.
We don't know that, Clyde.
Really? The FBI is gonna be here
I have blood on my hands.
'Cause you gave a little bit
of chocolate to a *** dog.
Hey, hey, do we need to do
this right now? Please?
Okay, I'm fine.
That's not all.
I probably need to
air something out
that may or may not
come to light in the course
- of this investigation.
- Spill it, Guggenheim.
Here goes.
Okay, Marty,
you know that I-I-I tend to be
a little
what, humorous,
devil-may-care, uh, hell,
even insouciant in my e-mails.
Okay.
And, uh, so I may or may not
have referred to you
as a "Stalinesque man-child
who's threatened
by my Ivy League education.
"
Okay.
So humorous.
- Right, yeah.
- Yeah.
So it's a joke.
It's a joke.
Great.
And, uh, Jeannie as
a "come-guzzling backwater
gutter ***.
"
Jesus.
In context,
it's-it's funny.
And I like Stalin.
So let's not forget that.
The man stopped Hitler,
so big fan, right?
And there may be more.
Lots and lots and lots more, okay?
But I want you all to know
that it's all in good fun.
And I know that you're,
you know, suffering
and worried about
your business surviving,
and blah, blah, blah,
but my novel was
on my hard drive
Oh, I'm sorry, what
I'm sorry, it sounded like
you said your "novel.
"
Yeah, that's right, Marty, some
of us have literary ambition,
and, uh, well, I would thank you
not to besmirch that.
No, no, 'cause that
would be Stalinesque.
- Ho-ho-ho!
- So, Doug, we are trapped here
in this *** conference room,
and we do need
a little diversion and because
Please don't.
You will never,
ever have another
chance to do this,
because literally, at any
other point in our lives,
we'd rather be eating
***-encrusted razor blades
than listen to this ***.
Marty
Oh, let's
elevator pitch.
What's your novel about?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
You have to get on that side of the
table to pitch it? Would you please, Clyde!
Imagine, if you will,
in the sci-fi/fantasy realm
and now please understand that
I use the genre
to mask its profound
social relevance
a deeply *** exploration
of interplanetary love,
a multi-galactic
Romeo and Juliet
probing, if you will
pun intended the semiotics
of love, sex,
the burden of genius
- uh, in a dystoptian society.
Now,
- Nope.
We open That's a wrap.
You got a couple words in,
though that's good for you.
Are you kidding me?
You just said that
I could do it.
You just said "dystopian.
"
What the *** is that?
Marty, do you have any of those ***-
encrusted razor blades?
Because I am ***' starving.
Okay, well,
I got one right here.
Pop it in my mouth.
There we go.
Oh, it's ***, though.
But I want another.
Got another.
The dedication page says:
"To Doug Guggenheim,
for doing it.
"
Hey.
I left you a message.
What the ***, Samantha?
I mean what the ***?
Jeannie
No! *** it, I told you about DollaHyde,
but I never sent you
the *** books,
and I decided
not to move forward, and
you f you *** me?
Uh, in case you were unaware,
one of the subjects
of this investigation was
murdered since we last spoke.
Yes, I am very well aware,
because I got his *** brains
Jeannie
all over my new shoes.
Thanks.
You of all people should
understand blind ambition.
But
I have
a very good thing
I had
a good thing going,
and this is
Look, Jeannie,
I told you when this came up
it was a rough road to take, and
you said you wanted to take it.
And just so you know,
it'll probably get a lot worse.
I'm gonna try to protect you,
but we shouldn't speak.
There is nothing
It'll compromise this investigation.
To
Samantha?
***.
Oh, yeah, I hear you, Jimmy.
No, no, no, I hear you,
and if I were you,
I would feel
exactly the same way.
But thankfully, I'm not you,
and I can see
the bigger picture.
Let me paint it for you, 'kay?
In one week,
this thing is a
blip on the radar,
and you, in that panicky way
that you are undoubtedly working
with your therapist on, realize
that you have ***-canned
the best *** consultants
on the planet,
who will never,
ever take you back
in a million years after your
cowardly act of abandonment.
And then you are left
with that old, so familiar
feeling again, Jimmy: Oh, no,
I ***' blew it,
I ***' hate myself,
I am a piece of CEO ***
at the far reaches
of the CEO universe!
Or, alternate painting:
You stick with K&A,
and as our loyal client you soar
to the top of the pile,
K&A works harder for you
than ever before,
platforming you into bigger
and better market positions.
Pretty soon, you're making
so much *** money that,
quite frankly, you're
a little embarrassed, Jimmy.
But your young, sexy wife
is literally doing backflips
on your Cialis-engorged ***.
And yes, I know,
I've seen the missus
and your children, oh,
they-they actually worship you
as their godhead.
You want to pick up
that third crib? Get it.
Oh, the yacht with the helipad?
Pick that *** up, too.
Your cojones are the size
of *** basketballs
and you're a *** winner,
Jimmy.
Now you tell me,
which painting do you?
Oh, you like the second one?
Okay, you're welcome.
Ah!
Ha!
Okay?
Doug, that's what
this is gonna look like
for the next, you know
Marty, I can't do that.
Doug, you and Clyde
just *** find out
who brought the hammer down,
okay, and squash this ***.
I need to know
if it's an internal thing.
Jeannie and I are gonna focus
on keeping the clients from
jumping ship.
Should we be taking Will
and his pod off the road?
No, we need to be in Act As If
Mode for the foreseeable future.
Anybody inside
the business asks,
things are great.
Just ***
great.
Great.
Great.
Yeah.
Great.
So, what, you don't need
consultants anymore, Blaine?
What are you gonna do,
you gonna go to Kinsley?
Are you kidding me?
That *** toxic
You-You gonna go
to the wreckage of Galweather?
No, you're gonna stay with me,
Marty *** Kaan.
Are you joking?
It's a loyalty issue, Blaine.
You know, back in the day,
everything we did
was because of loyalty.
Yeah.
You *** all over
Skip Galweather,
I stayed loyal
as a *** spaniel.
You did, you did,
and I was very
appreciative of that.
But this is *** end of days.
In this environment,
you go with a Marty Kaan
because he's a winner
That's right.
Not because of loyalty.
So what are you trying to ***
tell me, Blaine?
Marty
you're not a winner anymore.
I'm not a winner.
Are you kidding me?
Whoa! A finger?
Really?
That necessary?
Power-walking ***.
Uh-huh, and how's the baby?
Absolutely, 11 is not at all
a baby anymore.
Um, but you know,
she'll always be your baby.
He.
He will always be
your baby.
Go ahead.
So?
So, as I was saying,
Marty, you made a real point of
never confusing
this business relationship
for a friendship.
I mean, there was
a moment there where
we both thought
New ***' bestie, brah.
Yeah.
No, but you wanted
to keep it straight up
bid-ness, homie.
And we respect that.
Much respect.
So in that same spirit, Marty
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
You're *** fired.
Dismissed.
Boo!
Are you *** kidding me?
I'm getting fired by the guys
who brought me *** perfume?
It's a new low.
New low.
New low.
New low.
New low.
Aw, Marty.
Marty! Do not pass go,
do not collect Dushkin dollars.
Oh, why so serious?
Marty, Marty, we're totally
*** with you, man.
Come on.
Yeah.
It's us, it's us.
Come on back,
come on back.
No, you're still fired!
You're f Oh!
Oh!
Oh, hey, Dad.
Uh-huh.
Where you going?
Just to shoot around.
Hey, Grandpa, come on.
Let's go.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Shoot around? Who's gonna be there?
I don't know.
Whoever's ballin'.
Just whoever?
I don't know.
Maybe Ethan, Coltrane.
Maybe Lex.
Dad, what does it matter?
No, Roscoe.
Are you forgetting the tears,
the mascara all over my shirt?
Dad.
Dad.
You want to go through that
again? Because this is where
it's headed.
You understand that? Hey.
I-I told him
that he could go.
Look, I-I feel
it's important for him
to work this out for himself.
Oh, you feel?
Can I talk to you
over here for a second?
Pop, I tell him he can't go.
Then you tell him he can go.
Okay, don't you think
that undermines my authority
a little bit?
No, no.
You're right.
You're right.
When you're right,
you're right, okay?
But I was just thinking that,
you know, Roscoe and Lex
need to go through this
for themselves.
We can't help 'em with that.
Grandpa,
can we please go now?
You have to ask your father.
Oh.
Yeah, go ahead, man.
Thanks, Dad.
Lex, come on!
What's with you, fat ***?
Go out! Go out! Go out!
Foul for touching.
Ah.
Oh.
Ah!
Hey!
I need a screen!
Give me the ball,
give me the ball, give me the ball.
You're not open!
Damn it.
Who's the big dog now, huh?
Hey, Lex, overcompensate much?
Oh, shut up, Ethan.
Ooh, I'm scared.
I said
shut the *** up!
Hey! Can we just
chill for a second?
We done playing?
I'm definitely done.
Yeah, *** boy's done.
Relax.
*** you.
I think I'm gonna head home.
Wait.
Your turn.
What?
You kiss him.
The hell? No.
Get off of me.
Kiss him.
You want to.
Do it.
You've been wanting to
for months now.
Lex, what the ***?
Just *** do it!
What? Can't handle the truth
being shoved in your face,
***?
*** you, Lex!
Sorry, guys.
I'm just *** with y'all.
Jesus.
I got to go.
Me, too.
***.
It's like, I don't want to be
in your *** book club,
you know,
and talk about Jonathan Franzen
until I blow my brains out,
but now I can't say that
to her, so
now I'm in the ***
book club.
And
I know.
You know,
this got me through today.
It really did.
Thank you.
Me, too, Marty.
I'd close my eyes and
you know, just thinking
about these past few days
with you
and where we're headed and
I'd just kind of drift away from
the *** misery, you know?
It's like I didn't even care
they were carrying the computers
out the door.
I'm really happy to be here
with you.
All this ***
that we've been through,
I think that somehow I knew
that we were gonna wind up
here,
something real, you know?
It's *** amazing, right?
It is.
I don't
Are you all right?
Yeah.
I just keep thinking,
what if this all gets
I don't know
goes to hell?
With this investigation thing?
What if they really
blow it wide open?
This amazing company.
It won't.
But what if it does?
And what if
I-it takes the this
company and destroys it?
I really
I r
*** me.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, that was the world's
shortest relationship.
No.
I'm kidding.
No, no.
I That's not
Jeannie, I was kidding.
I don't feel good.
My stomach
Oh.
D-Do you want to go?
Yeah, probably.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's all right.
Excuse me.
Could-could you find our server?
I think we're gonna take off.
Hi.
I need to, um
L-Let me go first, okay?
Uh, at we need is an index
of all our accounts and where we
stand in terms of keeping them.
That's a good idea.
Okay, and then
we just build a model that predicts
the statistical likelihood of us
keeping or losing the account.
Then we just put
in the requisite time and effort
based on the outcome.
I think that's great.
I-I just need two minutes
of your uninterrupted attention.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Um
Okay.
We have some info.
Uh, all right.
You say it.
- I No, I'll say it.
- All right,
you tell the first part
Will you guys *** please?
We're in the clear on DollaHyde.
They came in looking for two
sets of books they thought we had
and they found
absolutely nothing.
Right, because we had nothing.
That's great.
But-but, um,
they-they did find
some pretty incriminating paper
on the Colossal Foods
and Free Range deals.
***.
Collusion, conspiracy.
- No.
- Now the CEO of Free Range
wants to see you cooked
in a vegan casserole.
Who the *** let the Feds in on
this thing in the first place?
I mean, how'd they even know
about the two sets of books?
We have absolutely no idea.
We've been searching.
No idea.
Jeannie, what did your friend
at the DOJ say?
Um
Um
I told her about the books.
What do you mean you
told her about the books?
I mean I told her.
Wait, what am I missing?
Wh-What's the play? Why?
Because I wanted the DOJ gig,
and I
offered her the DollaHyde books.
But I never
After Lukas got killed,
she she just *** did it.
Can you guys give us
a minute, please?
I've never been
an honest person, Marty.
It's I just
Never seemed like
a viable option.
Me, either.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Please, Marty.
Jeannie, this was not easy,
but you're in the clear.
They're letting you skate.
You have the right
to remain silent
Call Ben Hyam, all right,
tell him tell him to meet me
downtown with a bail agreement.
All right, get back to work.
All right, nothing's changed.
Things to do.
Don't talk to the *** press,
everybody.
Here he comes.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, thanks, you know.
I appreciate
Mm.
Yeah.
Get in.
Okay, uh, usually I sit
She called shotgun.
You want to get in
the car before they change their mind?
Get in the car.
We got
to make it to the Valley.
What's in the Valley?
Get in the car.
So
I, uh, spent a decent amount
of time with my lawyer,
and things are not looking
too good for me.
Everything points to a pretty
aggressive prosecution,
followed by a deadly bankruptcy
of Kaan and Associates
unless I'm effectively removed
from the company.
In all likelihood,
I'm gonna get worked over
pretty good in the courtroom,
but if I want the company
to survive,
I have to be out completely,
not hanging around
on the sidelines
in some advisory capacity,
but gone.
I guess I taught you
well, huh, Jeannie?
You out-Martied Marty Kaan.
Keys to the kingdom are yours.
Marty, I never meant to
All I wanted all I want
Is what?
You.
Meow.