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(typing)
(phone rings)
Hi Earl
What kind of problem?
Yeah I wrote that
Well she did look like she had a clubbed foot
How am I supposed to know that?
It's not like they put it in her bio
Lawsuit?
Well *** Earl what does that mean?
I'll have something for you by day end Mr. Weston
Miss Hernandez!
Can I see you for a minute please?
Yes Mr. Adams?
Yeah I was just um…having a bit of a hard time
Getting this presentation in order
Might benefit from an extra pair of eyes
(music)
There you go
Thank you
That was very efficient
Managing projects is my specialty
That's why the temp agency submitted me for this job
I didn't know we got you from a temp agency
I mean not 'got you' like a dog from a pound
Because obviously you're not a dog you're very attractive
But not in a sexually harassey kind of way
More like an asexual benign kind of way
Which I'm not asexual, I am heterosexual
In case you were wondering
But why would you be wondering that?
Look I didn't mean to offend you I'm not a harmful person ok?
I wouldn't kill ants of flies…
Cockroaches I kill
I hadn't seen these things before I moved to the city
And uh I scream like a girl when I see them
And I throw a shoe at them shoes work fast
Boots generally
Big masculine manly boots with dirt on them
The kind I'd wear on a hunting trip with my
Best pal Eddie but I don't kill
I don't kill anything
I just hang out keep him company
And Eddie doesn't kill anything either pretty much
Except for a perfectly good afternoon
Wow that wasn't funny
I thought it was funny
Are you really ok baby? Oh my God
Thank you I'm fine baby
I was just grazed
Ahh luckily the other guy had terrible aim
And I got him before he could do any more damage so
Everything is totally alright
What can I get for you?
You want some water?
No
A drink?
I have some quaaludes from a really long time ago
Baby
The doctor says I just need to rest a little bit
Everything will be back to normal ok?
So…you're still gonna be able to…
I mean we're still gonna be able to…
There's nothing wrong with my *** babe ok?
Wasn't even touched
For once I'm glad of that
Can I get another dirty martini please?
(music)
What ya drinking about?
Benny
You are like walking breathing salt
Being poured into my bloody open wound
Mmm is it any wonder why you're so well-liked?
What are you doing here Benny?
This is my uncle's place I help him out once in a while in the kitchen
You cook?
You tell me
I'm gonna make you something to suck up that ***
(music)
Didn't go so well huh?
No no they shot down every one of my ideas and they
Went with one of Tyler's
And that guy doesn't have an original bone in his body
Where is the dairy alternative?
Sorry it didn't go well Mr. Adams
Call me Ted
Ok
You know if we didn't work together
I would say that we should go out for a drink
Today's my last day
(music)
Here
What is it?
Your salvation
Now eat!
Mmm
I have to say Benny this is not the worst thing I've ever eaten
Oh the Cranky Critic strikes again
Well his days are numbered
In fact his days are in negative numbers
Pink-slipped
Fired
Dumped
Killed
I got it, why?
Does it matter?
My life is over
Enjoy the credits
Ooh are you choking?
Are you?
Are you crying?
NO no no don't cry Marty!
I know you're going to get another gig
Making fun of people
Here here
Eat your dinner eat your dinner
I'll be right back
What the *** are you looking at?
(phone rings)
(Valerie on phone: Hello?)
Hey Valerie?
(Valerie on phone: Yes this is Valerie)
Hi it's Benny yeah look I'm having...
(Valerie on phone: I'm sorry who?)
Uh Benny
(Valerie on phone: Benny?)
Benny Costa
OH! Benny! Benny! I'm sor…hi!
What?
Marty was fired
No ***
Is he ok?
Benny says that he's drowning himself in dirty martinis
Let's go
I'm fine really
Are you sure?
Totally
I just hate to think of Marty all sad and vulnerable
It's like watching Mussolini cry
Ted! They fired me!
Someone was gonna sue them and they fired me!
What am I gonna do?
Ok don't be afraid
There's always going to be plenty of terrible theater for you to mock
Benny how long has he been like this?
He was like that when I got her an hour ago
Who's this?
This is Miss Hernandez she works with me down at…
Uh uh
She used to work with me down at the office
This is my friend Martin
I'm so sorry Martin
Maybe it's not as bad as it seems
And where are you from? Sunnybrook Farm?
Are you on a date?
Not exactly
I got the shaft at work today too
We just thought we'd drown our sorrows
Oh did you get fired?
No
Oh so you're fine and I still get more attention
Sit down!
(whistles)
Not a word
Serious?
Sweetheart there's nothing to be embarrassed about
You should be proud of yourself
Eddie what happened?
He was shot!
AT I was shot AT I'm fine
They grazed his um..
Thigh, my thigh
I bet
Hey I was just grazed
You should see the other guy though
I'm the lucky one
Well this has really been a banner day for
Us working men hasn't it?
You got shafted
You got…grazed
And I got canned
Let's drink to that!
To working men everywhere
We haven't met your friend Ted
I'm Henny Hernandez
Henny!
Henny Hernandez like a beautiful song
Oh wow how many drinks have you had?
And who are you the liquor police?
(Benny off camera: I think that's his fourth)
Dude you're gonna hate yourself in the morning
But nobody else will
No more erudite opinions wrapped in snark
No no no something else will come along buddy
Like Miss Hernandez here?
Um I can go if there's…
No no no no Martin is just upset
You'd leave me in a second wouldn't you?
First Valerie gets married
And now you find happiness with your latest secretary
And I'm left with Benny
I'm left with BENNY
Benny cooked for me
Benny appreciates my hard work and dedication
Benny he read my column everyday didn't ya Benny?
Martin you're making a little bit of a spectacle of yourself
It is not the end of the world
Let's put it in some perspective here
Oh what do you know about perspective?
I know that Eddie was a hero today
He stopped a dangerous man from hurting innocent people
AND he got shot in the balls
I was grazed
I'm sorry did I say balls?
Yes
Eddie that is awesome
Thanks buddy
The balls part sucks
Yeah I was just grazed
(phone rings)
I gotta take this excuse me
Ted Adams
Mr. Kissel?
Yeah tomorrow morning nine am
Ok I'll see you then!
What was that?
(music)
They found out Tyler's campaign was plagiarized and they
Want to take another look at mine
That's great Ted
That so amazing Ted!
Yeah that's so amazing Ted!
You both avoided having your balls served to you today
I however was not so lucky
Marty…
No no no no no!
It's ok
I'm just gonna head home now cause you all have so much
To celebrate
You're being a bit dramatic aren't you?
If I were able to determine dramatics
Then I would not have been canned
Benny here's some money for your uncle
I'll see that he gets home ok
HENNY
(music)