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[music] Hi. I'm Lee Rosen of the Rosen Law Firm.
I've been a divorce lawyer for more than 20 years, and during that time I've learned
a lot about why people end up getting divorced.
Thank you for joining me today. I'd like to tell you about the leading problems that
I think lead to divorce and some of the things that I think you might be able to do
to nip them in the bud before they get out of control.
Number one: communication. This is the most frequent cause of the breakdown of
marriages. People are not communicating. I've had clients who have explained to me
that they haven't had a real conversation --
other than an argument -- in years. They barely speak. Some studies have shown
that the average couple only talks for a few minutes a day, and that's in marriages
that are working, that are succeeding. Many of my clients have literally stopped
speaking to one another and continued to live together for years after they stopped
speaking.
What you need to do is to have frequent, good-quality communication or you're
going to be doomed. If you can't figure out a way to make that happen, then go
and see a counselor. At a minimum, during your counseling sessions you'll be
talking. Those sessions, those conversations may go a long way to
getting your marriage back on track.
Number two: money. I cannot tell you the number of times I've represented
spenders married to savers or savers married to spenders -- people who have
totally different views on money. Sometimes one spouse is all about
following a budget and the other is all about being spontaneous. Sometimes one
spouse wants to live for today, have a good time, eat in lots of restaurants, buy
lots of things; and the other one wants to plan for retirement.
This is an issue that needs to be worked out before you get married. This is a great
use for pre-marital counseling. If you're already married -- and you probably are --
then what you need to do is find a way to communicate about money. Get it out in
the open. Maybe you'll use a counselor if it's a tough thing for the two of you to talk
about. Once you're communicating, you've got to find a way for both husband
and wife to get what they need out of the financial situation.
It can be done. It requires compromise. If you can't compromise -- if you don't find
a way to work together -- then you can count on festering resentment to drive the
two of you apart. Once that happens, you won't have to work out money issues any
more because you won't be married any more.
Number three: immaturity. Immature people have a tough time making a
commitment and living up to it. Over and over, I've seen couples where things get a
bit challenging and one spouse or the other decides to cut and run. There isn't
a real commitment. Maturity brings with it
the ability to look at the big picture, the long term, and live with it even when the
going gets tough.
Marriage is the big leagues. This is serious. It's time to grow up and be an
adult. I'm not sure what to tell you if you have an immature spouse. I don't know
that there is an easy solution. But I would encourage you to see a counselor and get
some advice.
Number four: drug and alcohol addiction. We've been involved in hundreds of cases
involving addiction. It destroys a marriage faster than anything else. It's a disaster
for the marriage and it's a disaster if there
are children. The only solution that works is
professional help, usually involving inpatient, long-term treatment.
Realistically, the treatment can wipe out a
family financially. But this is the only way I've seen to save a marriage plagued
by addiction.
Finally, number five -- and this is the one that everybody thinks is going to be
number one -- sex. I have very rarely found sex -- either too much of it, too
little of it, or any variation on the theme --
to be the cause of divorce. The same is true of adultery and even ***
addiction. I have almost always found these *** issues to be a symptom of a
marriage in distress, not the cause of the breakdown.
When *** issues come up, we usually see other big issues -- communication,
money issues, or immaturity -- in the marriage. If those issues can be addressed,
then the *** issues tend to straighten themselves out.
If you are trying to save your marriage, I encourage you to see a counselor and get
some advice. Go see the counselor even if your spouse refuses to go. We have a
great site, at StayHappilyMarried.com, that will help you learn more about
staying married and finding a counselor. Good luck. Give it your best shot.
For more information, visit our site at Rosen.com. I'm Lee Rosen for the Rosen
Law Firm. [music]