Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
ALEX: Okay, why did Max want us to meet him here?
He said he finally figured out a way
to open the unbreakable pinata.
JANE: Oh!
Did it work?
That was dangerous.
ALL: Yeah!
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
ALEX: Oh, boy.
(SHOUTING) Get the candy! Get the candy!
It seems like a lot of work for some off-brand candy.
Two musketeers?
Reestie's peanut butter klormps?
Wait, I got skittles!
Nope. Skin-nuls.
I think there's glass in my senior mints.
And my sophomore mints.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Even the ingredients are bunk.
This says it has artishishal flavoring.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
We'll bite.
PENNY: Out with it.
Guys, this chef I know really likes my truck...
Don't look surprised.
And he offered me a job at Knife.
Dave, congratulations!
I love that restaurant.
They have a lot of food there.
So you gonna take it?
I don't know. I can't decide.
I mean, I love being my own boss,
but owning a food truck's a lot of pressure.
Maybe it's time I tried my hand
at the stationary restaurant game.
You mean, the restaurant game?
JANE: Okay, all right.
Okay, I'd be happy to help you make a pros and cons list, Dave.
I mean, making lists is my number one turn-on
after tables of contents, recipe conversions...
Oh, my God. I'm making a list. (GASPS)
(WHISPERS) I am so turnt.
And I could review your financials without becoming aroused.
(LAUGHS) Who am I kidding?
Mmm.
Guys, do I want advice from people guessing at the future?
Or do I want advice from Tami, my psychic?
Dave, for a leading man-type,
you've partake in some really outlandish behavior.
You don't understand. Tami is the best.
She helps me with all my big decisions.
What is it with you two?
Alex and the ghosts. You and the psychic.
Oh, no! Do not lump me in with this bullcorn.
Ghosts are real, just like warlocks and doulas.
I am on the fence about chupacabra.
Not saying they're real, not saying they're not.
(WHISPERS) They're real.
Do you even know what "on the fence" means?
What?
Are you bringing anybody to my wedding?
I only ask because I like saying the words "my wedding."
Nah, no date. Wilson dumped me,
I doubt that.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
DAPHNE. (LAUGHS)
(PANTING) Hi.
Oh, my God, Penny!
Is that an engagement ring?
Ah! What?
This old, priceless family heirloom
that my hot fiancee's grandmother smuggled out of the old country?
I mean, I guess "engagement ring"
is the acceptable nomenclature.
Oh, my God. I saw you four months ago.
You weren't even dating anybody.
I know.
Ah.
You just knew in your gut right away. It's so romantic.
Oh, my God! I'm so happy for you!
Thank you! You're so sweet!
Can you believe that ***?
Now I'm sorry. I'm not hearing the *** part,
and my ***-dar is pretty rock solid.
You are not fooling me, one-armed surfer girl.
Max, tell her how mean she was!
I'm not great at reading signals
(WRAPPER RUSTLES)
But all the lady sounds she was making seemed pretty nice.
(SCOFFS) "Whirlwind romance"?
Subtext... "You're moving too fast, you clingy ***."
She doesn't know. We're moving at the perfect pace.
Forget Daphne.
You and Pete have a lifetime to get know each other.
Eh-squeeze? Why would you say that?
We already know each other just fine,
as well as any other couple.
Of course you do. I mean...
Not any couple.
Brad and I have known each other ten years.
You've known Pete four months.
Oh, so now you think I'm moving too fast? I'm not.
No, I didn't say that.
Oh, for your info, I bet Pete and I know each other
a lot better than you and Brad do.
Okay. Slow it down, Jackie Joyner-crazy.
You really think that?
How?
Couples game night.
(GROANS)
(DRAMATIC VOICE) I thought we weren't gonna do
couples game nights anymore after...
The Jane.
(SHOUTING) Yes! Yes! I win!
I win! I win!
Game over! I win! Always win!
Off! I win.
Winners don't get touched.
Ugh, what a nightmare.
I wouldn't be caught dead at that stupid game night.
Good, 'cause you're not invited. Couples only.
Dead or alive, I will be at that game night.
Damn it!
Oh! Disaster alert! My psychic Tami moved to Arizona.
Now how am I supposed to decide
what to do about this job?
Can't she just advise you over the phone?
She has to read my energy in person.
Don't you know how science works?
Hey. Hey. You know I don't.
I know. I'm sorry.
It's just that I have to give Knife an answer by tomorrow.
Dave, most times when people have a big decision to make,
they just talk to someone that they trust...and love.
I know, but my nana's too busy with her new boyfriend.
Apparently Howard's the toast of the retirement community.
He can shower without a chair.
Right. Well, why don't you just come to game night
and try and get some space from it?
You know, that's a pretty good idea
coming from a person who thought skymall
was an actual mall in the sky.
If we can put a man on the moon,
I am pretty sure we can put a Chico's in the clouds.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
I'm really excited for game night tonight.
It should be a lot of fun and...
Ow.
This game night is huge, okay? Huge.
I mean, we're just here to have fun...and win...
Okay.
Okay, then it's settled.
(CHUCKLES)
And I'm so glad we brought this bottle of merlot 'cause it's my fave,
and you should know that in case it comes up in there.
Yeah.
Huh?
(CLINKING) I love the sound
your grandma's ring makes on the bottle when I clink it.
(LAUGHS) I wish I would've met your grandma.
Grandma... Tom?
Grandma... Mmm?
Ma... Tee... Tee...
Rose!
Of course. I'm so forgetful.
I'm such an Aries.
Do you wanna write any of these facts about me down?
Aren't you on the cusp of Aries?
'Cause you were born on the 22nd.
How'd you know that?
Because I know you're into the astrology stuff, so I looked into it.
And I know your birthday because I'm your fiancee.
Come on.
Yeah, we do.
Oh.
(CHANTING) Winners win and losers lose,
and alcoholics, they just ***!
They win at drinking, that's their thing!
But our thing's always just winning!
We're Brad and Jane, let's start this game!
BOTH: 'Sup, suckers?
Oh. Uh-uh.
JANE: I'm cool.
I'm cool.
(BOTH POP LIPS)
We got this.
DAVE: Oh! I'm sorry, Alex.
Without Tami, I can't even make small decisions.
I got six different kinds of chips.
Well, we'll definitely need more.
But if you need help making decisions,
there's an obvious person you can talk to.
Oh, my God.
The answer's been in front of me of this whole time.
Thank you! Let's start by talking...
That tarot card reader!
Now it's not Tami, but sometimes in life you gotta take chances.
You know who taught me that?
Tami.
(VOICE BREAKS) I miss her every single day.
It's been one day.
Okay, Alex and Dave are late,
Nope.
The first game is called ready, set, couples!
A fast-paced relationship game
where Brad and Jane will kick your ***.
Mmm!
It doesn't really say that.
Then why did you say it then?
(DOOR OPENS)
Look what the cat dragged in.
I know you didn't want me at your little couples game night,
but what you didn't count on
was the extent of my loneliness.
So I am here with my buddy Scotty.
Is he straight? Yeah.
Is he crazy? Almost definitely.
But does he do an amazingly spot-on Condoleezza Rice impression?
(IMITATES BRITISH WOMAN) The United Nations of farts.
No, he does not.
All right, whatever. Sit down. You can play.
All right, round one.
Oh, favorite color.
Okay, Max, Penny, and Brad,
you write down your favorite color, and we guess.
All right, babe.
You have a lovely home.
Okay. Here we go.
Pete...
What's Penny's favorite color?
I'm gonna say... Purple.
(SHOUTS) Yes! Eat it.
I was referring to the spinach dip that I brought.
And please help yourself. But also, eat it!
And that one is just pure trash talk.
Also, slap it.
Ah!
Okay, our turn.
Max's favorite color is red.
(SCOTTY LAUGHS)
Nailed it! How did you know that?
Oh, I know everything about you, Max. (CHUCKLES)
(MAX LAUGHS) What, are you stalking me?
Oh.
And Brad's favorite color is green,
so next question.
(HIGH PITCHED VOICE ) Um...
(EXHALES)
It's blue.
(LOWERED VOICE) Those are different colors.
Janey, don't worry. You're gonna get it...ow!
(RASPY VOICE) The Jane.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(NORMAL VOICE) The Jane.
(EXHALES)
Hey, forgetti and meatballs,
Jason Bourne called, and he says he remembers more stuff than you.
Why did you say that your favorite color is blue?
When we first met, I said my favorite color was green,
and you said, "Me, too."
Early on, I realized that what turns you on the most
is people agreeing with you.
And you know I likes my sex.
Loves me some smoosh.
(LOWERED VOICE) All right, well, you ever wanna get that smoosh again?
Yeah?
Well, they are laughing at us out there.
Do you... (CHUCKLES)
What?
The new Brad?
(MAX AND SCOTTY LAUGH)
This Brad's still fresh!
Fresh to death!
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah!
Uh. Ahhh!
All right.
(GROANS)
Okay, gang, here we go.
Next category is favorite foods.
Ooh!
We got this...
(SINGSONGY) In the doggie bag.
(LAUGHS)
(WHISPERS) You're not me, Pete.
(SCOFFS) See?
Can't even hear like me.
All right, Penny, what's Pete's favorite food?
(SNAPS FINGERS) Okay, okay, okay. Uh...
I got this! I got this! Pork pork.
(PENNY SQUEALS)
Something my mom made. It's two pork chops.
(HUMS) Yes!
(MOUTHS WORDS)
Okay, I am gonna guess...
Your favorite food is dolphin meat.
D'oh! So close.
Reestie's peanut butter klormps.
And my favorite food, of course,
is lemon sage chicken
and yukon gold potatoes
with braised kale.
(SQUEALS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(WHISPERS) You put what?
Oops.
(SCOFFS)
I'm having second thoughts.
I mean, this place is kind of weird.
Tami didn't use any of this stuff.
We got crystal balls, voodoo dolls and chicken bones?
No one uses those anymore.
(MOUTH FULL) The chicken bones are mine.
Thank you for coming. Where shall we begin?
With us leaving.
I'm sorry. I don't know you. You don't know me.
But I think we both know that this isn't gonna work.
Are you sure?
I sense that you have a big decision to make.
Oh, you're good.
Hmm? (SMACKS LIPS)
The key to couples' jenga is a steady hand.
And the key to a steady hand
is stealing Parkinson's medication
from your landlady's aunt. Ah!
The other key is a couple completely in sync.
Mmm.
Ah.
Oh. Couldn't agree more.
Ugh! Bradford!
♪ You're the best! Around!
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
♪ You're the best! Around!
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
(THUD)
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
PENNY: Not again!
JANE: (MUTTERING) Smoosh!
♪ You're the best! Around!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
♪ You're the best! Around!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
♪ You're the best! Around!
♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
♪ Oh, ho, oh ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
And, would you look at that?
Pete and I win! Yes!
We just barely edged out America's golden couple...
Max and Scotty!
Hey!
And in last place...
These two strangers.
Have you two even met? I'm sorry.
You know what? That's on me.
Jane, I'd like to introduce you to your husband Brad.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
Yep. We get it. We get it.
(LAUGHS) Penny, you won. Yeah.
Yeah, my husband and I are completely incompatible.
Yay! Cat's out of the bag!
(LAUGHING) Okay!
(SNEAKERS SQUEAKING)
Damn you, orange floor-malade!
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)
The wheel of fortune.
I would say that indicates you should take a risk
and go work at Knife.
Or the wheel represents the wheel of my truck,
and that's how I'm gonna make my fortune.
Or it means what I said it means.
My name's not Ann. It's Magic Ann.
Magic Ann? Really?
Your mom named you that?
Let's see what the next card says.
Ace of swords.
This pretty clearly implies...
Let me field this one, Annie.
I believe the ace represents me,
working alone at my truck, ridin' solo.
It's literally a big Knife,
which is the name of the restaurant that...
(SIGHS) You know what? I'm done.
I can't help you. This is all fake anyway.
Doesn't take a rocking scientist to see that.
You know what?
My last psychic Tami would never have treated old Dave this way.
Wait. You're Dave Rose. You drove Tami out of town.
She took early retirement because of you!
She's draining our psychics' pension fund.
You know what? It's time for you to go.
We'll go when we're good and ready.
Which is now,
Yeah. Yeah.
(ARTICHOKE LEAVES SQUEAKING)
Wow, you're really choking that artichoke.
Sorry. Bad...choke.
Nah, I respect the effort.
A lot more than I respect... (LOUDLY) my husband,
who can't pass a fruit
or recognize a flawless drawing of a damn koala bear!
Maybe you should've circled it a little more!
Jane, I am so sorry.
I... I didn't mean for this game to make you think
you and Brad aren't right for each other or something.
What? No.
Who said anything about that? No.
I'm just pissed at him now because...
(LOUDLY) He can't answer a single question about me!
First name's Jane, by the way.
Last name Kerkovich-Williams...
Although I'm thinking of just rolling it back to Kerkovich.
Cool.
Pen, I would never let a silly game tell me
(SIGHS)
I mean, that's the kind of thing you just know in your gut.
And you knew right away with Brad, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
I just could immediately imagine us being together
for 40, 50, 60 years in the future.
(LOUDLY) Also imagined us
with a hutch full of game night trophies!
But that is not happening.
Nope!
But good news. I mean, you get to have it all...
The trophies and the great husband.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Except...
(LOWERED VOICE) I don't think that I can marry Pete.
(GASPS)
(PANTS)
(LOWERED VOICE) You can't marry Pete? What the hell?
(LOWERED VOICE) I checked my gut, like you said.
He's not the one.
Oh, Penny.
When I ran into Daphne, she hit on something
that I was already thinking,
so I probably subconsciously
wanted this game night to prove myself wrong.
Mmm-hmm.
But it's not about knowing a bunch of facts,
like what your favorite food is.
(LOUDLY) I certainly hope not!
(LOWERED VOICE) That... I'm sorry...
Is very inappropriate right now.
You have your whole thing going on.
Is everything okay? I heard a ruckus.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(WHISPERS) Oh, God.
What? What happened?
I'll kill him! Did he cheat? On you?
On a test? On his diet?
Of course he didn't. I mean, look at the guy. He's a knockout.
He didn't do anything. I mean, I...
(DOOR OPENS)
(PILLS RATTLE)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Look, anyway, Pete didn't do anything.
He's the perfect guy. It's just...
He's not perfect for me.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh. Max.
You were worried about me, too.
Uh... Yeah. Super worried.
Penny's breaking up with Pete.
(LOWERED VOICE) What? No!
Oh, man! That's terrible.
Tell me about it really quickly.
Oh, Pen! Bummer.
You're probably just scared about the wedding.
Good talk.
No, the wedding's the one thing I'm not nervous about.
Hmm.
That I can't imagine.
I don't have what you two have,
and I wanna wait for that.
Oh, honey.
My favorite color is you.
Mmm, that made no sense, but I love it.
Mmm.
(WHISPERS) Okay.
PETE: Guys?
You left me alone with Scotty.
Now he's trying to sell me speed,
but I think it might be a centrum.
Pete, we need to talk.
Okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
It sucks for those kids, huh?
Max.
What? I'm just sitting here with a towel on my lap.
Oh.
Everyone has abandoned me...
My psychic, a tarot card reader.
But at least I know now what I have to do... Talk to...
A mentalist!
Dave, stop!
You don't need all these people. You have me.
I'm your person.
Oh. I'm sorry. I...
Of course. Well, help me.
Nah.
From what I've seen today,
you know what you want, okay? But you gotta say it.
You can't make someone else tell you.
I wanna keep my truck.
There it is. You knew.
(LAUGHS)
Right?
Okay, so what you're saying is that
I have been my own psychic all along.
Yeah, Dave. You're your own psychic.
You know, you're a lot smarter than people give you credit for.
Thank you.
Wow.
Uh...
Okay.
Pete, you are such a great guy,
and you deserve to marry someone who's sure.
I'm so sorry.
And I'm even sorrier that my friends
are watching from the deck.
(INAUDIBLE)
God, why did we come out here?
Early spring in Chicago is really just winter.
Ah, I wish we could hear what they're saying.
I can read lips. In my early 20s, I was deaf.
Here's what they're saying...
(IMITATES BRITISH WOMAN) Oh! Scotty is the greatest.
You should have bought pills from him.
SCOTTY: (DEEP VOICE) Yeah, that guy seems pretty cool.
What's his deal?
He seems like he'd be a good extra set of hands
to bring into our relationship.
MAX: Scotty...
Your impressions are getting amazing.
MAX: (LAUGHS) Yeah!
Okay, well...
(SIGHS)
(SNAPS FINGERS) I almost forgot.
It's, uh, it's a little awkward. The...
Of course. Your grandmother's ring.
Yes.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(CHUCKLES)
Does not seem to wanna come off. So sorry.
I think you're pushing it down. You need to slide it up.
Oh! That did the trick.
Yeah. Here you go. (CHUCKLES)
Good-bye, Pete.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(WHIMPERS)
(CRYING)
Oh, thank you, guys.
Scotty, please do not touch me there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought *** was in play.
Guys... Big news! Maybe the biggest news of the night...
Nay, the year.
I'm keeping my food truck.
And in even bigger news, I'm a psychic.
(GROANS) Oh.
Not the best time.
Oh, something's going on, right? I could feel it. I...
Oh, it has to do with Penny!
I've got it! I can figure it out.
Penny is having Pete's love child,
Mmm-hmm.
No! You're becoming a doctor.
(VOICE BREAKS) Close. Pete and I broke up.
Are you okay?
No.
(WHISPERS) Gosh.
For anyone?
DAVE: Jeez, Scotty!
I need a drink.
I'm so glad I have you.
I would like to raise a toast to you guys.
Oh, no. Oh, no! (SNIFFLES)
I can't hear the... The clink of the ring on the bottle.
MAX: Hey.
(WHIMPERS)
We are not gonna cry. We are gonna celebrate,
because what you just did was make
an incredibly strong and brave decision.
Okay, you're a big girl now, and I'm proud of you.
We're all proud of you.
See? Make room, people!
(ALL LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
Yeah!
(ALL CHANTING) *** in play!
ALL: *** in play!
ALL: *** in play!
How you doin', Pen?
I'm fine.
I mean, it's Pete you should worry about.
I dumped him two months before our wedding.
Who does that?
Pete will be fine, all right?
Two months is great.
Hell, even two weeks is great.
At least at two weeks you can get your tux deposit back.
(MOUTH FULL) Even a week is good.
Even 15 minutes is good.
Yeah, Penny, as long as you don't walk all the way down the aisle
and then up to the altar and then realize...
Oh, I did that.
Oh. God, I suck.
No, no. Hey, it's not your fault.
I should've seen it coming.
If only I'd been in touch with my gift back then...
That's it for me. Okey dokey.
Okay, see you, guys.
I knew that was gonna happen, too.
But they'll be back in three, two, one.
What?
JANE: I forgot to throw in.
PENNY: Bye, guys.
Sorry about that, weirdos.
(STRAINED VOICE) Yeah. Ouch.
(SIGHS)