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commentator: I've got something
for you !
narrator: Tonight...
commentator: Oh !
narrator: ... get on your feet.
( women screaming )
20 performers are
taking it to the stage.
commentator: Uh-oh.
narrator: From reality-show
casts...
( women screaming )
( woman screaming )
narrator: ... to your
local weatherman...
man: 22 inches of snow !
narrator: ... to a street
performer.
man: What happened to that
famous British reserve ?
narrator: Convincing
performances...
man: Oh !
narrator: ... that deserve
an ovation.
( children screaming )
woman: I'm grown and I would
scream at that thing, too.
narrator: Featuring commentary
from our cast of legendary
entertainers.
Danny: I've done a lot of bad
things in my day, but I've
never chopped a kid's head off.
na
It's truTV Presents
"World's Dumbest Performers."
and it starts... now.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
narrator: In Switzerland,
a crowd of 18,000 packs an arena
as the Swiss Winter Olympic Team
is introduced.
The first Olympian is two-time
ski jump gold medalist
Simon Ammann.
man: ( foreign language )...
Simon Ammann.
( commentator groaning )
Frank: Oh...
Tonya: That was definitely
a head ***.
commentator: Woo-hoo-hoo !
( groaning )
Billy: Ah.
The agony of running face-first
into a video camera.
commentator: Woo-hoo-hoo !
( groaning )
Jaime: When is the shirt over
the head ever a good idea ?
Okay-- oh, now ?
Okay.
commentator: Aww !
Woo-hoo-hoo !
( groaning )
Ted: What a moron.
Not the runner, the cameraman.
I mean, seriously.
Are they the stupidest people
on the set all the time ?
I mean--
What ?
Come on.
( commentator laughing )
Loni: Evidently, running into
the camera makes you want to
jump on the host and hug 'em.
( commentator laughing )
man: I'm so embarrassed.
Just hold me like a baby.
Chelsea: He had a great attitude
about it afterwards.
I would have been crying
in a corner, humiliated.
Kevin: Way to get a jab in at
those "silly women" at the end,
random misogynistic
Swiss reporter guy.
commentator: Woo-hoo-hoo !
( groaning )
Danny: He should just stay on
skis constantly.
commentator: Woo-hoo-hoo !
Oh, God !
narrator: A young man in
Minnesota is about to attempt to
deadlift a new personal best.
man: Get up, get up,
get up, get up !
narrator: 329 pounds.
man: Nice.
( man screaming )
man: Oh !
Leif: This guy just
dropped, man.
man: Oh !
Loni: Somebody get out
the smelling salts.
( man screaming )
man: Oh !
( Todd screaming )
Ted: Don't you hate it when you
go to use a piece of
equipment in the gym
and somebody's forgotten to wipe
their face off it ?
( man screaming )
man: Oh !
Brad: That's how I felt after
I had to deadlift Judy Gold,
but at least his dead weight
wasn't yelling in his ear.
Judy: You don't know how to
touch a woman.
man: I don't look at it as
failure, I just look at it as,
you know, I was--
I was stoked beyond belief.
Billy: You're not "stoking"
responsibly, and this is
the kind of thing that happens.
man: I'm not losing another
patient to "stokeness,"
not today !
narrator: He walks away with
just a few stitches.
Brad: I understand how
the stitches got there.
How did the crappy
mustache get there ?
Tonya: You're lucky that's all
you did, 'cause you could have
( bleep ) yourself.
commentator: Ew !
man: Nice.
( man screaming )
man: Oh !
narrator: A radio station
in Athens, Greece.
A dj delivers the news,
but the cigarette he just
tossed in the garbage
threatens to steal the show.
Danny: They say "Greece" fires
are the most dangerous.
( ri
( ri
( ri
( ri
( ri
Nick: Nothing puts out a raging
fire like a rubber sole
on your shoe.
Get back, flames.
Get back.
Mike: Oh, no, not
The Baha Men CD, no !
How're we gonna find out
who let the dogs out ?
narrator: As the flames spread,
the engineer finally
springs into action.
Jaime: Shh !
If you're gonna save my life,
do it quietly.
Tonya: Oh, my God.
Is what you're reading
so damn important ?
Bryan: We're also going to have
the annual
"Dress Up Like a Doughnut Day."
That's right.
If you like doughnuts,
you're not gonna want to
miss this parade.
narrator: The fire is put out,
but not before causing
thousands of dollars in damages.
Tonya: I mean, hello.
You're fired.
narrator: Coming up...
commentator: Ow !
Nick: This is God's way of
saying, hey,
update to a flat-screen.
narrator: Plus...
Mike: And the award for
best set design goes to...
girl: Oh, please...
( woman screaming )
Mike: Not this guy.
narrator: And later, guess who's
coming to this kiddie party.
( children screaming )
Billy: And it's nice to see
black children
and white children
screaming in terror together.
That was Dr. King's dream.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Performers" continues.
narrator: 16-year-old Demi Doss
has been grounded by her mom.
Loni: Demi, something's
gonna happen.
Demi: Okay.
commentator: Ugh !
Ow !
Tonya: If you're grounded,
you might as well be
grounded to the TV.
Ted: That TV could have
crushed her.
commentator: Ugh !
Ow !
Ted: That's why my kids don't
have beds in their rooms.
commentator: Ugh !
Ow !
Leif: Fell by itself.
Jaime: And I am running out of
cute-kitten calendars
to cover them !
Judy: Honey, I hope you didn't
break the TV again.
Oh, it's working.
Oh, it's "The Smoking Gun."
I love that show.
Judy Gold's my favorite.
She's so funny and smart.
Love her.
Yeah.
narrator: Both Demi and her
television are fine.
Danny: I'm pretty sure you've
all realized by now
that I'll pretty much do
anything to be on TV,
but I stop when it comes
to the TV being on me.
commentator: Ahh !
narrator: A teenage soccer match
in Brazil.
The ref shows a yellow card to
a midfielder for injuring
an opposing player.
commentator: Yellow card
to this player here.
Wait a minute, on me ?
Are you crazy ?
Wait, hold on !
Hey, don't touch.
Oh !
You don't touch the ref.
Stay on the ground.
Daniel: As an actor,
let me say, bravo.
Bravo !
commentator: Wait a minute !
Yellow card on me !
Don't touch !
Oh, dios mío !
Keep acting, keep acting.
You are a liar.
Leif: It was a delay, too.
commentator: Don't touch me.
Leif: It was like, oh, do I
fall, do I fall down ?
Yeah, I'm gonna go down.
commentator: There's more where
that came-- stay on the ground.
Why you hit our friend ?
Stay down on the ground.
What are you doing ?
Hey, what are you doing ?
Why did you hit him ?
What's going on here ?
Hey !
Hey, Raul, Raul,
come here, come here.
Listen, calm down.
ToddHey, what's up, dude ?
Why you slap my boy, huh ?
Bryan: I only smacked him
a little bit.
Todd: Oh, ( bleep ) that.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Chuck: Get him !
Todd: Come on, guys, get him !
Chuck: Get him !
commentator: Wait a minute.
No !
( all shouting )
Get away !
All of you, back off !
Back off !
Kick him, kick him !
Penalty for everyone !
High-kick penalty !
Loni: The ref has turned into
the soccer ball.
Everybody chasing him.
Chris: You can coach for
40 years and never see
that kind of teamwork.
commentator: I'm sorry,
all right ?
Aggressive-playing penalty !
No high kicking !
Red card !
Another red card !
He's too fast !
Mike: Why is the referee
the fastest man on the field ?
commentator: Slowpokes !
Son of a ***.
Offsides !
He's too fast.
I cannot hit the man.
Now get me off here.
That's okay, hit the showers.
Idiot.
narrator: Once safely off
the pitch, the referee cancels
the rest of the match.
Kevin: Gentlemen, please,
this is a soccer game.
Can we please leave the violent
rioting to the fans ?
Thank you.
commentator: You will not
catch me !
Penalty for everyone !
I have plenty of red cards
to go around !
Son of a *** !
narrator: A little boy's
fifth birthday party in Texas.
The highlight of the celebration
is a surprise guest.
commentator: ( panting )
Boo !
( children screaming )
Oh, what's up, baby ?
It's okay.
Kevin: Happy birthday.
I got you a big bowl of
nightmares.
commentator: Oh, surprise !
( children screaming )
Oh, it's okay.
( Chelsea crying )
How you doing, little guy ?
It's okay, that's okay.
It's okay.
Loni: I'm grown and I would
scream at that thing, too.
commentator: What's up,
sweetheart ?
Oh, come on.
Let me get some.
Nick: He's like this
coming at the kids.
Yeah, this'll calm 'em down.
commentator: You got a big
soccer ball !
That's okay, little man.
( Todd screaming )
Happy birthday, little guy.
( boy screaming )
You'll be okay, little guy.
Billy: And it's nice to see
black children
and white children
screaming in terror together.
That was Dr. King's dream.
commentator: Hey, want some
candy ?
Brad: What the parents see is
a big, happy, unemployed actor
in a puffy suit
giving away candy.
What the children see
is a man in a rusty van
with a box full of puppies
asking you to come in.
commentator: Oh, there we go.
Look at that beauty.
You're cute.
Come here.
Oh, there you go, sweetheart.
Tonya: I just thought it
was so cute.
commentator: It's okay, honey,
come on, it's okay.
woman: It's time for
cat massage.
narrator: When we last saw
Maryjean Ballner,
she was explaining how to
stroke and massage your ***.
Maryjean: Simply start from
the base of the rump,
rubbing your way out
and follow it to
its natural conclusion.
narrator: Now she's back with
something else.
Maryjean: Your dog wants
a massage.
Bryan: She's back !
Adding value to the world !
Doggy massage !
Maryjean: In this video, we'll
show you that petting is passé.
Billy: You want to stay on
the cutting edge when you're
dealing with your animal.
They can tell
if you're behind the times.
Maryjean: Let me introduce
Henry.
Henry Wrinkler and Darby.
Leif: Oh, it's Henry Wrinkler.
( laughing )
Maryjean: There are four
massage speeds.
Let's start with No-Mo.
No motion.
Jaime: A speed where you do not
move is not a speed.
Maryjean: Next is Slo-Mo,
which means slow motion.
Kevin: We know it's slow motion.
We use it for other things
outside of the animal-
massage world.
Maryjean: Adjust the words of
favorite songs to rhyme
with your dog's features.
Like, "Swing Low,
Sweet Chariot."
And adjust it like this.
♪ Gretta ♪
♪ You're a good, good dog ♪
♪ With your gray fur ♪
♪ And little feet ♪
Loni: Is she singing
*** spirituals to the dog ?
Maryjean: ♪ Brown eyes ♪
♪ And a furry face ♪
♪ And you know I think ♪
♪ You're quite neat ♪♪
So you just want to rhyme
"feet" and "neat."
Jaime: 'Cause pets are real
sticklers for poetic integrity.
Maryjean: Pet your dog,
you make a friend for a day.
But massage your dog,
you've made a friend for life.
Good-bye for now.
man: We are at Taronga Zoo...
narrator: Coming up...
a performing pelican
with the hots for a reporter.
man: ( laughing )
It's my butt !
man: You love it.
Chelsea: To be fair, his ***
smells like sardines.
narrator: Plus, the forecast
from hell.
man: Crippling, record-breaking
storm comes today !
man: I got one word
for you, Jimmy.
Decaf.
narrator: And two Smoking Guns
get their groove on.
Loni: We partying now !
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Performers" continues.
narrator: It's opening night of
Greenport High School's
production of "Peter Pan."
Chelsea: There's nothing like
high-school theater.
narrator: As Peter makes his
entrance into Wendy's bedroom...
commentator: Help, help me !
Get me down, help me !
Okay, go, go, go !
Mike: And the award for best set
design goes to...
not this guy.
commentator: I don't know
if they saw me.
Quick, help me get off.
Kevin: Peter, do we have
homeowners insurance ?
( crowd applauding )
Brad: Are-- are we clapping
'cause they're hurt ?
Chuck: Set destruction.
Just bravo.
commentator: Ladies and
gentlemen, we'll be right back
in five minutes.
Judy: God, will someone
shut that baby up already ?
Chelsea: You know what ?
Get the baby
out of the theater !
commentator: So is
everyone set ?
Oh, sorry.
woman: I see you,
weird awkward tech girl
who doesn't know whether
to stay or go,
and I love you.
commentator: Wait !
Are you okay ?
Are you okay ?
Tom: Who the hell is running
these wires behind the scenes ?
Leif Garrett ?
commentator: Wait !
Leif: Exactly.
Mike: Oh, Peter, I'm flying !
Oh, ( bleep ) !
commentator: Help, help !
Billy: It's just as well
that kids learn that
you can't really fly.
narrator: No one in the cast
is seriously injured,
and the rest of the show
flies by without incident.
Daisy: I would say this is
better than most high-school
plays that I've seen,
but a lot worse than my
performance in
"You Can't Take It With You"
as the black maid !
commentator: Wait !
Chuck: Hi, I'm Chuck Nice.
There's a major snow advisory
in Baltimore.
With more on the story, here's
local weatherman Jim Kosek.
Jim: A paralyzing, crippling,
record-breaking storm
comes today !
( exhaling )
Chelsea: What's going on
with this guy ?
Is it steroids or religion ?
Roger: I got one word
for you, Jimmy.
Decaf.
Jim: Road closures, flight
cancellations in the hundreds,
power outages
by the tens of thousands,
maybe hundreds of thousands.
Yes.
Judy: This guy is more
negative than my mother.
Jim: And problem number one
to start it all today, 35°.
So when the snow comes in,
kicks temperatures down
subfreezing, so what initially
melted turns to black ice !
Billy: Am I supposed to
wear a coat or not ?
Jim: Problem number two:
14 to 22 inches of snow !
Michael: It's gonna be snow !
Jim: Blowing and drifting !
Oh, 3-, 4-, 5-feet drifts !
Kevin: I think Jim might
actually believe he's
controlling the weather.
Jim: So you shovel,
drifts back over, shovel,
drifts, shovel--
Oh !
Michael: I kind of wish
I lived in Baltimore.
I would watch the news.
Jim: Oh, boy.
Chuck: That was Jim Kosek
advising you to freak out.
We're getting word of another
weather development
in Australia.
Let's go to Steve Jacobs,
who's live on location.
Steve: We are at Taronga Zoo,
where the pelicans are
actually being trained.
They've been training them
for a couple of years now
to be a part of this seal show.
Mike: Hmm.
Yeah, can we get to
the forecast ?
That's what people
are waiting for.
Steven: Yeah, but I might just
get straight into the weather.
Cairns mostly fine and 34.
An associated cold front
brushes the south--
( screaming )
( laughing )
It's my butt !
man: You love it.
Loni: The pelican didn't like
the forecast,
but he liked the forecaster.
Steve: Let me go !
man: You love it.
( Steve laughing )
Michael: You mess with
the pelican, you're gonna
get the beak.
Chelsea: To be fair, his ***
smells like sardines.
man: You love it.
Brad: Stop it, stop it !
A little to the left.
Stop, stop !
I don't know why
he keeps doing it.
Do it.
No, stop !
man: You love it.
Roger: Dude, it's a pelican !
It ain't a Black mamba.
Relax.
Steve: ( laughing )
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be mentally scarred.
Jaime: I think all parties
involved let that go on
a little longer than necessary.
Steve: Woo !
"When Animals Attack."
There's a beauty
you never expected.
Have my butt taken off
by a pelican.
Chuck: We now return you to your
regularly scheduled program.
I'm Chuck Nice for SGP News.
narrator: At Florida's
Club Plush, a woman volunteers
to be part of an
exotic-dance performance.
commentator: Yeah.
Mmm !
Come on, baby.
Mmm !
Billy: Who is paying who here ?
commentator: Give me that.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, yeah.
Daisy: Oh, it is on.
Her foot just got
tickled by a man ***.
commentator: Yeah, get
this up here.
Mmm, yeah.
Mmm, come on, baby, mmm !
Chelsea: Don't bend my leg up
like that,
I'm not that flexible.
commentator: Now it's a party,
right ?
Chelsea: That hurts
in my hamstring.
commentator: Feelin' nice !
I like it !
Get this up here.
Let me take off
some of this sugar.
Ooh !
What ?
I got it.
Mmm, yeah.
Mmm, okay.
Tom: You know, nothing spoils
a public dry hump more than
losing your wig.
commentator: Check out some of
this sugar.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah.
Loni: You're going to
the strip club ?
Go with a weave, not a wig.
commentator: Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You like it ?
Talkin' about.
Yeah !
Chelsea: And of course, all
those *** took pictures
in her moment of defeat.
commentator: Let me get some of
this real stuff.
Aw, yeah !
Chuck: What kills me is that
she's embarrassed
that her wig came off.
commentator: Good job, baby,
good job, yeah.
Chelsea: You can tell he's on
her team, because he did
pat her *** like a teammate
in a sporting event.
commentator: Yeah, that was fun,
all right ?
Where'd you put my wig ?
All right, who next ?
Billy: Todd ?
Loni ?
Can you help me out here ?
Is this sort of a regular thing
at Club Plush ?
Loni: Oh, yeah,
take my wig off, baby !
Take--
Woo, yeah !
We partying now !
Woo-hoo !
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !
Here you go.
Todd: Oh, thank you, baby,
thank you, baby, yeah.
Loni: Thank you !
Todd: Ooh, hey, baby, hey.
narrator: Coming up...
commentator: Come on, pole,
do your job.
Oh...
oh !
Mike: Oh, my God !
Oh, I hope that went
between his balls.
narrator: Then, an
Italian reality show gets hairy.
( women screaming )
Ted: I'm confused.
Which one is Snooki ?
commentator: Woo-hoo !
narrator: And...
commentator: Yeah !
Bryan: Keep on dancing, girls.
I like *** and tractors.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Performers" continues.
( crowd cheering )
narrator: In Louisiana,
tightrope walker Jay Cochran
is about to perform.
commentator: Here we go.
Just one foot in front of
the other.
Come on.
Come on, keep it together.
narrator: He plans to walk
2,700 feet across
the Mississippi River
on a wire 200 feet in the air.
commentator: Whoa.
Oh, it's windy, eh ?
Chelsea: When you're
a "manorexic" tightrope walker,
the winds can really do
a lot of damage.
commentator: Oh !
Don't lose it.
Oh, come on.
Come on, pole, do your job.
Oh...
oh !
Shoot !
Mike: Oh, my God !
Oh, I hope that went
between his balls.
commentator: You can do this,
you can do this, Jay.
Oh...
oh !
Damn it !
Kevin: At least we know now,
there won't be any more little
tightrope walkers
coming from him.
commentator: Gosh almighty,
I hate this.
narrator: Cochran clings to
the wire halfway across
the Mississippi.
commentator: What the ( bleep )
is taking so long ?
Can't be that hard to get me
down-- let's go,
let's go, let's go !
narrator: Rescue crew lowers
the cable and retrieves Cochran.
Daisy: This is why tightrope
walking never took off.
No goodwill ambassadors.
Mike: They just want to ask you
questions about why you suck.
Chuck: The more huffy he gets,
the cuter that outfit gets.
commentator: Stupid reporter
asking dumb-*** questions.
Stupid thing.
They don't get it.
I just want to be left alone !
Jaime: You gotta push him
when he's down ?
That's so cold.
Brad: What about this outfit
makes you think I won't
kick your *** ?
commentator: Damn it !
They're not artists,
they don't get it.
They don't get who I am.
Jaime: 20 years later,
everything was made right
when Jay inspired the movie
"Napoleon Dynamite."
commentator: How'd you like
a liger shoved up your ***,
dickwad ?
( bleep ) off.
announcer: Welcome back to
Italy's favorite reality show,
"House of Love."
Tamara and Emiliana are still
fighting over Ciccio.
What will happen ?
Let's see.
Ted: I'm confused.
Which one is Snooki ?
Billy: Does the whole reality
show take place
in the bathroom ?
'Cause that could be
quite interesting.
( women screaming )
Tonya: ( screaming )
( hissing )
( women screaming )
Chelsea: I can't pick which
woman I hate more in this clip.
I'm gonna go with the guy
who comes in with the stick.
Roger: Wait a minute.
That's who they're
fighting over ?
Really ?
Brad: Is that the last
Italian man left alive ?
Look at him.
God almighty.
Bryan: Boy, those girls look
like they'd be a lot of fun
to date.
No drama there.
No drama at all.
( women screaming )
/C 8hx
commentator: Yeah, come on !
Shake it, shake it up,
babushka !
Take it off, take it off !
I like it, I like it !
Billy: You know, this is not a
recommended use for a tractor.
commentator: Yes !
That's good, eh ?
Chelsea: Ladies, cool it down.
My God, hubba-hubba.
commentator: Woo !
Yeah, yeah !
Woo-hoo-hoo !
Ted: This is the worst
farm stripper club
I've ever seen.
commentator: Ah, good, good,
good, good, good.
Keep it going !
Okay, okay.
Kevin: ( bleep ), girls,
what time is it ?
Do you put ***
in your cereal ?
commentator: Yeah !
That's good, eh ?
Woo-hoo, yeah !
Todd: Please don't take
your clothes off.
Please don't.
Bryan: Shut up, you puritan.
Keep on dancing, girls.
I like *** and tractors.
commentator: Yes !
Do it all together now !
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Judy: Yeah, this is really sexy.
Yeah, you look really hot.
Show us your belly.
commentator: Yeah, go, go, go,
go, go, under the sweater.
Oh, no, no, no !
Oh, my goodness...
Scott: Ding, ding, ding !
And she's out !
commentator: Oh, no, no, no !
You all right ?
You okay ?
Mike: Now how is she
gonna accidentally have
a lesbian experience ?
You ruined everything, tractor !
commentator: Oh, no, no, no !
narrator: The reckless dancer
is rushed to the hospital
with a concussion,
but sturdy as a tractor,
she makes a full recovery.
commentator: Yay !
Okay, she's back !
Do it, do it !
Nick: Let that be a lesson to
you young girls out there.
Stripping is supposed to be done
around a pole,
not on a tractor.
commentator: Oh, no, no, no !
Oh, my goodness.
@
narrator: Busch Gardens
theme park in Virginia.
A magic show is underway at
a theater called
"The Enchanted Laboratory."
Jaime: That should actually be
a service that parents
pay extra for.
Daisy: You have no need to fear.
I'm a highly trained
disillusioned actor
who's been forced to work
in a theme park.
man: One, two, three !
( commentator groaning )
Billy: At least he didn't
cut the kid's head off.
Tonya: Ugh.
Kevin: We will need the audience
to leave and to not tell anyone
that a child was ever here.
Cool ?
Mike: I like that they had
the recording ready to go.
Judy: Due to the ineptitude
of an amateur magician
with a curious accent
and an old-timey costume,
this show will not be able
to continue.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
narrator: T.J. is eventually
freed unharmed,
but after the mishap,
"The Enchanted Laboratory"
disappears for good.
Danny: This magician
was an idiot.
This is a reasonably
simple illusion.
Are we ready ?
man: Yeah.
Danny: I'm so not ready.
I read the instructions once
on this, man.
Okay, ready ?
Okay, tell me when you're ready.
Yeah !
narrator: Coming up...
cheerleader high jinks.
commentator: My foot, my foot !
Oh, my God, my foot's stuck !
Daniel: S-T-U-C-K,
what's that spell ?
Stuck, hooray !
narrator: And later, a
South American pageant winner...
commentator: I really think
I deserve to win, and also--
narrator: ... flips its wig.
Jaime: That's the first time
I've ever seen a Brazilian
hair removal in person.
narrator: When "World's Dumbest
Performers" continues.
narrator: At a high school in
Michigan, three cheerleaders
warm up before the big game.
commentator: Yes !
Yes !
Chelsea: It's so nice to see
a bunch of cheerleaders
just having fun
and doing something
frivolous for once.
commentator: Oh, my God,
I'm stuck.
Oh, my God !
My foot, my foot !
Oh, my God, my foot's stuck !
Mike: Some pervert must have
set a cheerleader trap.
commentator: Come here, my foot.
( laughing )
Seriously, guys,
I'm stuck right now.÷x
Daniel: S-T-U-C-K,
what's that spell ?
Stuck, hooray !
commentator: I'm trying to÷x
get you down.
Help me !
No, no, no.
Ow !
You're choking me.
I can't breathe,
you're choking me !
Gentle, gentle.
Judy: Oh, my God !
Oh, my God, she is stuck,
we've got to get her out !xx
Mike: It figures.
Becky has such big, weird feet.
Tom: It's her foot that's stuck.
Like, why don't you target her
foot right now ?
narrator: Unable to free their
teammate, the rest ofp
the spirit squad goes for help.
Tonya: Uh, somebody ?
My foot is stuck.
narrator: She is eventually
freed and lives
to cheer another day.
Tonya: Help.
narrator: And now,
a message from our sponsor.
( tires screeching )
woman: What's that ?
woman: Do you have insurance
on this car ?
Judy: Do you have insurance
on that hair ?
woman: Do you have insurance
on this car ?
woman: No.
Jaime: If you can sound more
like you don't understand
what you're saying...
Mike: Do you have insurance
on this car ?
Jaime: Perfect.
woman: What's that ?
woman: It must be Eagle Man.
Eagle Man: I've got
something for you !
Chelsea: Clearly, the entire
budget went to
the eagle costumes
and acting lessons.
Jaime: Gee, Eagle Man.
I can't wait to buy something
that fell out of your ***.
@
Kevin: I think that dude eagle
just gave birth on your car.
I don't care what insurance
you have, that's not covered.
women: Oh, look at those
low rates.
Tom: I love how when the eagle
baby pops out of the egg,
the thing that the women
are most amazed by
is the great
low insurance rates.
Ted: I can't figure out whether
this is intentionally bad
or intentionally awesome.
women: Oh, look at those
low rates.
Billy: I don't understand where
the idea of wacky
car insurance came from.
That's why I'm going with
the insurance company
with the talking lizard.
Eagle Man: I've got something
for you !
narrator: It's "Adopt a Dog"
week on an Israeli
morning program,
so a puppy is on set while
the hosts interview a fashion
expert about scarves.
Roger: Well, apparently
the reviews are in
for that show.
Mike: It's the biggest dump I've
ever seen a dog that size take.
It was enormous.
He was saving up.
Loni: That was an ugly
scarf, anyway.
I would have pooped on it, too.
Billy: Can we just hear
the fashion guy squeal again ?
( man squealing )
Yeah, there it is.
Daisy: The dog isn't the thing
that needs removing.
Spoiler alert.
It's the poop.
Chelsea: It happens.
Right, that's why you should
have planned this
segment better.
Billy: Now I won't know what
kind of fashion scarves Israeli
men are wearing this year.
( man squealing )
Ted: Sadly, after the show,
they built a wall around that
dog and stole its land.
( man squealing )
narrator: As Justin Timberlake
gives a performance inside
this London club...
commentator: What's up,
England ?
narrator: ... a woman outside
starts a performance of her own.
man: Yay !
Daisy: Dear God.
The Queen lives like
a mile from there.
Have some dignity.
Billy: What happened to that
famous British reserve ?
commentator: Show us what
you got !
Show us more !
Get out of the way !
What are you doing ?
Naked woman, get off my cab.
Tom: Well, that's one
way to hail a cab.
commentator: What is
going on here ?
Move, move, move !
Get your buttocks off my cab.
Michael: You're getting ***
all over my cab !
man: Whoa !
Brad: Shocker !
Kevin: But just tell her there's
a strip search at the station.
She'll drive herself there.
commentator: Have a nice time
in the slammer, love.
We'll post your bail, darling,
don't worry.
Thanks for the free show, love.
Enjoy yourself tonight.
We'll see you in
a few hours, love.
We'll meet you outside the jail.
Chelsea: It's nice to see
a woman restore respect
and dignity to our race.
Are we a race ?
I don't understand...
genitals.
commentator: Show us what you
got, love, show us more !
Get dirtier !
Get dirtier !
Here we are.
Oh, you're dirty, ain't you ?
Woo-hoo-hoo !
narrator: You've witnessed
19 terrible acts...
but the dumbest performer of all
is still waiting in the wings.
Find out who it is
right after this.
( crowd cheering )
narrator: It's the final round
of the 2009
Miss Gay Brazil Pageant.
Drag queens from around
the country anxiously await
the awarding of
the prized tiara.
( commentator whistling )
The winner is Ava Simoes.
commentator: Oh !
Frank: I would thump her
for sure, absolutely.
Absolutely.
She's smoking-looking, man.
Right ?
man: This was a guy.
Frank: Oh, that was a guy ?
Oh, no, no, oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was ( bleep ) set up
on that one, man.
That's bull( bleep ).
commentator: Thank you so much.
narrator: After the crowning,
Ava gives an interview
to a local reporter.
commentator: Well, you know, I
so happy to be Miss Gay Brazil,
I really think I deserve
to win and also--
Give me that !
Jaime: That's the first time
I've ever seen a Brazilian
hair removal in person.
commentator: Also--
What happened ?
She got my wig, stop her !
Chelsea: That loser is serious
about her vengeance.
Billy: I guess it could have
been worse.
She could have kicked her
in the balls.
commentator: Also--
Give me that !
Michael: I'd like to thank all
my duct-tape people
who do the duct tape
on my shaved pieces parts.
Daisy: You are going down,
Crystal !
Ha !
commentator: She got my wig,
stop her !
Why'd you take her wig ?
Come on back here.
Nick: It was a gang fight,
yet it was kind of gay.
It was like "West Side Story."
commentator: Get out of my way !
Ow, cut it out !
Ow !
Scott: ( hissing )
You hear cat sounds,
it's like-- ( hissing ).
commentator: Ow !
Give her wig back !
Ow, ow !
man: Ahh, he's got a heel !
He's got a heel,
everybody get down !
Jaime: Hard to have a catfight
without ( meow ).
Frank: Yeah.
narrator: Once the fight is
broken up, Miss Gay Brazil
returns to her
media obligations.
Chelsea: Yeah, but better
with a wig.
narrator: The wig snatcher is
banned from future pageants.
Tom: If you lose, be the bigger
man/woman
and walk away.
commentator: Also--
Give me that.
man: What do you think ?
You want a little dog massage ?
Maryjean, what are
you doing here ?
Maryjean: It's time
for dog massage.
Judy: Great actors.
Great actors in this.
man: Are you sure that
he's enjoying that ?
Maryjean: Oh, sure he is,
right ?
Nick: Oh, my God.
Talk about no feeling.
man: That does look
pretty good.
Maryjean: Oh, yes.
Good boy.
Johnny, good boy.
♪ It's dog massage ♪
♪ With Maryjean ♪
♪ And John's enormous head ♪
Todd: Ooh !
Maryjean: ♪ Floppy ears ♪
♪ And stubby neck ♪
♪ I'll do your face instead ♪
♪ Your chubby cheeks ♪
♪ And potty mouth ♪
♪ Where are all your tattoos ? ♪
♪ You're drooling now ♪
♪ We're having fun ♪
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