Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
GUYS, THERE'S SOMEBODY I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.
WAIT.
WHAT IS THAT?
MARCEL. WANT TO SAY HI?
NO, I DON'T.
OH, HE IS PRECIOUS.
WHERE DID YOU GET HIM?
MY FRIEND, BETHEL, RESCUED HIM FROM SOME LAB.
THAT IS SO CRUEL.
WHY WOULD A PARENT NAME THEIR CHILD BETHEL?
HEY, THAT MONKEY'S GOT A ROSS ON HIS ***.
ROSS, IS HE GOING TO LIVE WITH YOU?
IN YOUR APARTMENT?
YEAH. IT'S BEEN KIND OF QUIET SINCE CAROL LEFT, SO...
WHY DON'T YOU GET A ROOMMATE?
I THINK YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE
HAVING A ROOMMATE IS JUST KIND OF PATHE...
UH... I'M SORRY.
THAT'S "PATHET."
SANSKRIT FOR "REALLY COOL WAY TO LIVE."
[Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION, NBC
and OCEAN SPRAY Crave the Wave]
♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE, YOU'RE BROKE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
♪ AND IT HASN'T BEEN YOUR DAY ♪
♪ YOUR WEEK, YOUR MONTH, OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO FALL ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO. ♪
I'M DOING ALL NEW MATERIAL TONIGHT.
I HAVE 12 NEW SONGS ABOUT MY MOTHER'S SUICIDE
AND ONE ABOUT A SNOWMAN.
MIGHT WANT TO OPEN WITH THE SNOWMAN.
HI, JOEY.
HEY.
HI, BUDDY.
SO, HOW'D IT GO?
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
( sympathetic groaning )
HOW COULD YOU NOT GET IT?
YOU WERE SANTA LAST YEAR.
I DON'T KNOW.
SOME FAT GUY'S SLEEPING WITH THE STORE MANAGER.
HE'S NOT EVEN JOLLY.
IT'S ALL POLITICAL.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE?
I'M GOING TO BE ONE OF HIS HELPERS
BUT IT'S JUST SUCH A SLAP IN THE FACE, YOU KNOW?
DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
FOR NEW YEAR'S?
( all groaning )
WHAT IS WRONG WITH NEW YEAR'S?
NOTHING FOR YOU.
YOU HAVE PAOLO.
YOU DON'T HAVE THE PRESSURES--
THE DESPERATE SCRAMBLE TO FIND ANYTHING WITH LIPS
SO YOU HAVE SOMEBODY TO KISS WHEN THE BALL DROPS!
MAN, I'M TALKING LOUD.
PAOLO IS GOING TO BE IN ROME THIS NEW YEAR'S
SO I'LL BE JUST AS PATHETIC AS THE REST OF YOU.
YEAH. YOU WISH.
IT'S JUST THAT I AM SICK OF BEING A VICTIM
TO THIS *** CLARK HOLIDAY.
I SAY THIS YEAR, NO DATES.
WE MAKE A PACT-- JUST THE SIX OF US. DINNER.
OKAY.
I WAS HOPING FOR A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM.
YAY!
SOUNDS GREAT.
PHOEBE, YOU'RE ON.
OKAY, HI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
MISS PHOEBE BUFFAY.
( applause )
HI.
THANKS. HI.
UM... I WANT TO START WITH A SONG
THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME THIS TIME OF YEAR.
♪ I MADE A MAN WITH EYES OF COAL ♪
♪ AND A SMILE SO BEWITCHING ♪
♪ HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ♪
♪ THAT MY MOM WAS DEAD IN THE KITCHEN? ♪
♪ LA, LA-LA, LA, LA-LA... ♪
♪ ...MY MOTHER'S ASHES ♪
♪ EVEN HER EYELASHES ♪
♪ ARE RESTING IN A LITTLE YELLOW JAR ♪
♪ AND SOMETIMES WHEN IT'S BREEZY ♪
♪ OR IF I'M FEELING SNEEZY ♪
♪ AND... ♪
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
NOISY BOYS.
IS IT SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE
WITH THE ENTIRE GROUP?
NO. NO, THAT'S OKAY.
WELL, COME ON.
IF IT'S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO DISCUSS WHILE I'M PLAYING
THEN I ASSUME IT'S IMPORTANT ENOUGH
FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO HEAR.
THAT GUY'S GOING HOME WITH A NOTE.
AHEM. AHEM.
I WAS... I WAS JUST SAYING...
COULD YOU SPEAK UP?
SORRY. I WAS...
I WAS SAYING THAT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
THAT I'D EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE
AND THEN HE SAID...
YOU SAID YOU THOUGHT
DARYL HANNAH WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
THAT HE'D EVER SEEN IN HIS LIFE
AND I SAID, "YEAH, I LIKED HER IN SPLASH A LOT
BUT NOT SO MUCH IN WALL STREET."
I THOUGHT SHE HAD...
A HARD QUALITY.
AND, UH... WHILE DARYL HANNAH
IS BEAUTIFUL IN A CONVENTIONAL WAY
YOU ARE LUMINOUS WITH A KIND OF A DELICATE GRACE.
THEN THAT'S WHEN YOU STARTED YELLING.
OKAY. WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A SHORT BREAK.
THAT GUY'S GOING HOME WITH MORE THAN A NOTE.
PHEEBS, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HASN'T KISSED YOU YET.
I MEAN, GOD, BY MY SIXTH DATE WITH PAOLO
HE'D ALREADY NAMED BOTH MY ***.
WHOA, DID I JUST SHARE TOO MUCH?
JUST A SMIDGE.
DAVID'S, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A SCIENTIST GUY.
HE'S VERY METHODICAL.
IT'S ROMANTIC.
DID YOU EVER SEE AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN?
YEAH.
WELL, HE'S KIND OF LIKE
THE GUY I WENT TO SEE THAT WITH.
EXCEPT...
EXCEPT HE'S SMARTER AND GENTLER AND SWEETER.
I JUST... I JUST WANT
TO BE WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW, DAY AND NIGHT...
AND NIGHT AND DAY
AND SPECIAL OCCASIONS.
I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
YOU'RE GOING TO ASK HIM TO NEW YEAR'S.
YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE PACT.
SHE'S GOING TO BREAK THE PACT.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.
NO.
YEAH, COULD I JUST..?
YEAH, 'CAUSE I ALREADY ASKED JANICE.
COME ON. THIS WAS A PACT.
THIS WAS YOUR PACT.
I SNAPPED, OKAY?
I COULDN'T HANDLE THE PRESSURE.
BUT THAT WAS, LIKE, THE WORST BREAKUP IN HISTORY.
I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.
I'M SAYING I SNAPPED.
HI. SORRY I'M LATE.
TOO MANY JOKES.
MUST MOCK JOEY.
NICE SHOES, HUH?
AH! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
OH, ROSS.
HE'S PLAYING WITH MY SPATULAS AGAIN.
LOOK, HE'S NOT GOING TO HURT THEM, RIGHT?
DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BRING HIM HERE?
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE, ALL RIGHT?
WE HAD OUR FIRST FIGHT THIS MORNING.
I THINK IT HAS TO DO WITH MY WORKING LATE.
I SAID SOME THINGS THAT I DIDN'T MEAN AND...
HE THREW SOME FECES.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO WORK LATE
I CAN LOOK IN ON HIM FOR YOU.
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
OKAY, BUT IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE IT SEEMS
LIKE YOU'RE THERE TO SEE HIM, OKAY?
AND YOU'RE NOT, LIKE, DOING IT AS A FAVOR TO ME.
OKAY, BUT IF HE ASKS, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.
BUT YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY TEST THIS THEORY
BECAUSE TODAY'S PARTICLE ACCELERATORS
ARE NOWHERE NEAR POWERFUL ENOUGH TO SIMULATE THESE CONDITIONS.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE A QUESTION THEN.
WERE YOU PLANNING ON KISSING ME EVER?
UH... THAT'S DEFINITELY A VALID QUESTION
AND, UH... THE ANSWER WOULD BE...
YES.
YES, I WAS.
BUT, SEE, I WANTED IT TO BE THIS PHENOMENAL KISS
THAT HAPPENED AT THIS PHENOMENAL MOMENT
BECAUSE, WELL, BECAUSE IT'S YOU.
SURE. YEAH.
RIGHT, BUT, YOU SEE, THE LONGER I WAITED
THE MORE PHENOMENAL THE KISS HAD TO BE
AND NOW WE'VE REACHED A PLACE WHERE IT'S
GOT TO BE ONE OF THOSE THINGS
WHERE I, LIKE, SWEEP EVERYTHING OFF THE TABLE
AND I'M NOT REALLY A, UH...
SWEEPING SORT OF FELLOW.
DAVID, I THINK YOU ARE A SWEEPING SORT OF FELLOW.
I MEAN...
YOU'RE A SWEEPER
TRAPPED INSIDE A PHYSICIST'S BODY.
REALLY?
OH, YEAH. OH, I'M SURE OF IT.
YOU SHOULD JUST DO IT.
JUST SWEEP AND THROW ME.
NOW, NOW?
OH, YEAH, RIGHT NOW.
OKAY, OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS JUST REALLY EXPENSIVE.
AND THIS WAS A GIFT.
YOU'RE KIND OF TIDYING UP.
OKAY. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL?
DO YOU WANT ME TO ACTUALLY THROW YOU
OR YOU WANT TO JUST HOP UP?
TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT DOES THE PHRASE "NO-DATE PACT" MEAN TO YOU?
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
IT'S JUST THAT CHANDLER HAS SOMEBODY
AND PHOEBE HAS SOMEBODY.
I THOUGHT I'D ASK FUN BOBBY.
FUN BOBBY--
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND FUN BOBBY?
YOU KNOW MORE THAN ONE FUN BOBBY?
I HAPPEN TO KNOW A FUN BOB.
OKAY. HERE WE GO.
OH, OH, OH, THERE'S NO ROOM FOR MILK.
THERE.
OKAY, SO ON OUR NO-DATE EVENING
THREE OF YOU NOW ARE GOING TO HAVE DATES.
UH... FOUR.
FIVE.
SORRY. PAOLO'S CATCHING AN EARLIER FLIGHT.
YEAH, AND I MET
THIS REALLY HOT SINGLE MOM AT THE STORE.
WHAT'S AN ELF TO DO?
OKAY, SO I'M GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE
STANDING THERE ALONE WHEN THE BALL DROPS?
WE'LL HAVE A BIG PARTY
AND NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO'S WITH WHO.
THIS IS SO NOT WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT NOW.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
OH, IT'S MARCEL.
HE KEEPS SHUTTING ME OUT, YOU KNOW?
HE'S WALKING AROUND ALL THE TIME
DRAGGING HIS HANDS.
I HAD SUCH A BLAST WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT.
REALLY?
YEAH. WE PLAYED.
THAT JUGGLING THING IS AMAZING.
WHAT, UH... WHAT JUGGLING THING?
WITH THE BALLED-UP SOCKS.
I FIGURED YOU
TAUGHT HIM THAT.
NO.
YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.
IT WAS JUST BALLED-UP SOCKS...
AND A MELON.
PHOEBE, HI.
HI, MAX.
DO YOU KNOW EVERYBODY?
NO. HAVE YOU SEEN DAVID?
NO. NO.
WELL, IF YOU SEE HIM, TELL HIM TO PACK HIS BAGS.
WE ARE GOING TO MINSK.
MINSK?
MINSK. IT'S IN RUSSIA.
I KNOW WHERE MINSK IS.
WE GOT THE GRANT.
THREE YEARS.
ALL EXPENSES PAID.
SO WHEN, WHEN DO YOU LEAVE?
JANUARY FIRST.
( knocking )
HELLO?
WHAT... HEY!
HI.
HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, MAX TOLD ME ABOUT MINSK
SO, YOU KNOW, CONGRATULATIONS!
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
IT WOULD BE EVEN MORE EXCITING IF WE WERE GOING.
YOU'RE NOT GOING?
OH... WHY?
TELL HER, DAVID.
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO MINSK
"TO WORK WITH LIFSON AND YAMAGUCHI AND FLENCK.
"OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WANT TO STAY HERE AND MAKE OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND."
OKAY, THANK YOU, MAX.
THANK YOU.
SO... SO YOU'RE REALLY NOT GOING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I JUST...
YOU DECIDE.
OH, DON'T DO THAT.
OH, NO, NO.
I CAN'T.
BUT I CAN'T MAKE THE DECISION.
OKAY, STAY.
STAY?
STAY.
YOU'RE GETTING SO GOOD AT THAT.
IT WAS MAX'S STUFF.
I LOVE THIS ARTICHOKE THING.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IN IT.
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW.
( braying laughter )
YOU REMEMBER JANICE?
OH... VIVIDLY.
( doorbell rings )
HI.
HI. I'M SANDY.
SANDY, HI. COME ON IN.
( nervous chuckling )
YOU BROUGHT YOUR KIDS.
YEAH. THAT'S OKAY, RIGHT?
PAR-TAY.
THAT THING IS NOT COMING IN HERE.
"THAT THING"? THIS IS HOW YOU GREET GUESTS AT A PARTY?
IF I SHOWED UP WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND
SHE WOULDN'T BE WELCOME?
YOUR GIRLFRIEND WOULDN'T URINATE ON MY COFFEE TABLE.
HE WAS MORE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT THAN ANYONE.
OKAY?
AND FOR HIM TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO WALK BACK IN HERE
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED...
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT!
JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.
THANK YOU. COME ON, MARCEL.
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I DO A LITTLE MINGLING?
ALL RIGHT. I'LL, UH... CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER.
OH, MY GOSH!
RACHEL, HONEY... ARE YOU OKAY?
WHERE'S PAOLO?
ROME.
JERK MISSED HIS FLIGHT.
AND THEN YOUR FACE EXPLODED?
NO.
OKAY. I WAS AT THE AIRPORT GETTING INTO A CAB
WHEN THIS WOMAN--
THIS BLONDE PLANET WITH A POCKETBOOK--
STARTS YELLING AT ME.
SOMETHING ABOUT HOW IT WAS HER CAB FIRST
AND THEN THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE JUST STARTS
PULLING ME OUT BY MY HAIR.
AND SO I'M BLOWING MY ATTACK WHISTLE THINGY
AND-AND THREE MORE CABS SHOW UP
SO AS I'M GOING TO GET INTO A CAB, SHE TACKLES ME!
I HIT MY HEAD ON THE CURB
AND I CUT MY LIP ON MY WHISTLE.
OH...
EVERYBODY HAVING FUN AT THE PARTY?
ARE PEOPLE EATING MY DIP?
YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW YOU AT THE STORE LAST WEEK
IT WAS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME
I EVER MENTALLY UNDRESSED AN ELF.
WOW. THAT'S, UH, DIRTY.
YEAH.
HEY, KIDS.
LOOK AT HIM.
I'M NOT SAYING HE HAS TO SPEND
THE WHOLE EVENING WITH ME
BUT AT LEAST CHECK IN.
THERE YOU ARE!
♪ YOU GOT AWAY FROM ME! ♪
♪ BUT YOU FOUND ME. ♪
HERE, ROSS, TAKE OUR PICTURE.
SMILE. YOU'RE ON JANICE CAMERA.
KILL ME. KILL ME NOW.
EVERYBODY, IT'S FUN BOBBY!
( cheering )
HEY, BOBBY!
HEY, SORRY I'M LATE
BUT MY GRANDFATHER, HE DIED ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO
BUT I-I-I COULDN'T GET A FLIGHT OUT TILL TOMORROW SO...
HERE I AM.
HEY, FUN BOBBY.
HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
WHOA! WHO DIED?
IT'S GOING TO BE AN OPEN CASKET, YOU KNOW
SO AT LEAST I'LL... I'LL GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
MMM... I'M GOING TO BLOW THIS ONE UP
AND I'M GOING TO WRITE "REUNITED" IN GLITTER.
ALL RIGHT, JANICE, THAT'S IT!
JANICE... JANICE.
HEY, JANICE...
WHEN I INVITED YOU
I DIDN'T THINK IT MEANT...
OH... NO!
OH, NO.
I'M SORRY YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU LISTEN TO ME, CHANDLER, YOU LISTEN TO ME!
ONE OF THESE TIMES IS JUST GOING TO BE YOUR LAST CHANCE WITH ME!
OH, WILL YOU GIVE ME THE THING!
HI, MAX.
YOKO.
I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO MINSK WITHOUT YOU.
WOW!
IT WON'T BE THE SAME
BUT IT WILL STILL BE MINSK.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, I'M FINE... I'M FINE.
COME ON.
YOU'RE GOING TO MINSK.
N-NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MINSK.
OH, YOU ARE SO GOING TO MINSK.
YOU BELONG IN MINSK.
YOU CAN'T STAY HERE JUST 'CAUSE OF ME.
YES, I CAN, BECAUSE IF I GO
I HAVE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU AND I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH YOU.
OH, YES. YES, YOU CAN.
JUST SAY, "PHOEBE, I LOVE YOU, BUT MY WORK IS MY LIFE
AND THAT'S WHAT I HAVE TO DO."
AND I SAY, "YOUR WORK?! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?"
AND THEN YOU SAY, "IT'S TEARING ME APART
"BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE.
CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"
AND I SAY, "NO!
NO, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT!"
UH, OW.
OOH, SORRY.
AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME...
YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME.
AND, UM, AND THEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
AND YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
AND THEN YOU SAY THAT IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT
AND YOU HAVE TO GO BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO START
THE NEW YEAR WITH ME IF YOU CAN'T FINISH IT.
I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, YOU SCIENTIST GUY.
*** Clark: We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti
here in Times Square.
It gets bigger and better every year.
THERE YOU GO, KIDS.
...AND THEN THE PEACOCK BIT ME.
PLEASE KISS ME AT MIDNIGHT.
SHH...
YOU SEEN SANDY?
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU, BUT SHE'S IN MONICA'S BEDROOM
GETTING IT ON WITH MAX, THAT SCIENTIST GEEK.
WHOA! I DID KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.
( distorted mumble ): HEY, EVERYBODY, THE BALL IS DROPPING.
All: WHAT?
THE BALL IS DROPPING!
In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight.
AND THE MOMENT OF JOY IS UPON US.
LOOKS LIKE THAT NO-DATE-PACT THING WORKED OUT.
EVERYBODY LOOKS SO HAPPY. I HATE THAT!
NOT EVERYBODY'S HAPPY. HEY, BOBBY.
All: ...ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'LL JUST THROW THIS OUT:
I'M NO MATH ***
BUT I DO BELIEVE THERE ARE THREE GIRLS
AND THREE GUYS RIGHT HERE.
( kissing noise )
OH, I DON'T FEEL LIKE KISSING ANYONE TONIGHT.
I CAN'T KISS ANYONE.
SO I'M KISSING EVERYONE?
YOU CAN'T KISS ROSS.
THAT'S YOUR BROTHER.
OH, YEAH.
PERFECT. NOW EVERYBODY'S GETTING KISSED BUT ME.
SOMEBODY KISS ME.
KISS ME. IT'S MIDNIGHT!
SOMEBODY KISS ME! IT'S MIDNIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT!
I WANTED THIS TO WORK SO MUCH.
NOW, I'M STILL IN THERE, YOU KNOW
CHANGING HIS DIAPERS, PICKING HIS FLEAS
AND HE'S JUST PHONING IT IN.
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO ACCEPT THAT SOMETHING
YOU LOVE SO MUCH DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK, YOU KNOW?
I THINK THAT *** CRACKED MY TOOTH.
[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]