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I was born in a small village in Karabakh and this is our village.
Actually the picture was taken before the war;
I do not know how it looks now
It was a village where everybody lived together and equally
people had great interest to music, art and poetry
due to its beautiful nature it attracted many tourists.
The village was mainly surrounded by Armenian villages and they also were visiting it quite often
To me, that village was a place where everybody lived together and equally
And to me, there was only “we” in that village.
But later, unfortunately the war started and “we” was over
There were ‘we’ and ‘they’ and ‘we’ and ‘they’ had the mission of hating and hurting each other.
I experienced the war for some years.
The war left some painful memories in my mind
and I want to share a particular one with you, which has had a special role in my life.
After Khojali massacre, there was a fear in all of us
and this fear was connected with being taken hostage rather being killed and everybody had concerns about that.
Some families had measures in this regard and that time grenades were common tools as part of those measures..
One day that grenade appeared in our family as well
My mom gathered us and said that if we faced the risk of captivity we would explode the grenade and kill ourselves.
She said it would be difficult but painless but if they captured us it would be both difficult and painful.
As a child it was difficult for me to understand that
but also with that child’s mind I was understanding that it was necessary and accepting that reality
Fortunately, we were not captivated and we did not witness that pain.
But we witnessed the painful war.
Around two years we lived under firings and bombs and during that period we tried living our daily life, at least imitated that.
For instance, if I am not mistaken, this photo was taken in Middle East I saw it recently and felt very touched
it was like déjà vu, as if I saw myself.
We were going to school in similar condition,
shelling and firing over our heads but we still were not giving up our dreams
and were continuing our education.
It was a strong resistance because we believed in that.
Unfortunately, we were not able to resist until the end and one day we had to leave.
We settled in Sabunchu district of Baku and we had a neighbor who was an old, lonely woman in her 60s or 70s.
I do not know if it was a fortunate or unfortunate case, but she was an Armenian.
It was like an irony of fate
While knowing she was an Armenian I had programmed my brain with hatred towards her thinking that she deserved it because she was an enemy and they hurt us.
However, I could not hate her because my mom was sharing our food with that woman.
And one day I asked my mom why she did that, why she did favor for an enemy.
First, my mom asked me to tell her how that Armenian woman did hurt me?
I did not have any answer, because the woman had done nothing bad to me.
Then my mom explained me that to hate an old and lonely woman for her ethnicity and try to hurt her for that reason was no good and humane.
No book, no school, no teacher or professor could teach me this that well
and I feel very happy that my mom taught me that when I was a child.
And over this life, which had many hard and changing ‘forecasts’, I had many questions, sometimes those questions were bigger than me and I was in search of justice.
As I learned in very early ages that there is no justice in the world,
I had a mission of finding the justice and I decided to be a Lawyer and I became, but I still did not feel satisfied.
So, I decided to open the doors of the world to me and then the education in West helped.
I chose Norway. Why?
Because I read much that Norway was a country that established the best social welfare, social democracy and human rights.
I do not regret for my choice.
To me, there is the rest of the World and there is Scandinavia, especially Norway.
It is very different with its people, life style, modesty, attitudes.
It was pleasure for me to live and study there
and during a year I lived and experienced several different things which some of them made me surprised
and I want to share one of them with you, which made me most surprised.
One day, my wallet was stolen in Norway.
I saw the thieves but could not catch them as they run away.
From their appearance it was obvious that they were Norwegians.
I was very disappointed, not because of being robbed,
anyway I had only 60-70 NOK, around 10 USD in my wallet,
I had some documents there, they also were not the reason of my disappointment though.
I felt disappointed because I was robbed in such a civilized country.
However, a very interesting thing happened.
Two or three days passed and I got an e-mail from the University which said
‘Ms. Jafarova, your wallet with all your documents inside, was sent to the University through the anonymous post.
Please come and pick them up’
Later I learned that there was a kind of culture of theft in Norway.
So, if your bag or wallet with documents inside were stolen and if there was any address inside, all your documents would be sent to that address.
It surprised me very much and also taught me some things.
Norway as well as my later traveling to other democratic and more civilized countries added my life many things but it also took out many things from me.
Sometimes I feel that the burden of the taken things is heavier than given things.
What was it?
One day I woke up and found myself in emptiness.
I have been in search of an identity of place.
I feel I do not belong this place.
There are numerous things that are strange for me here;
people’s life style, their attitudes, their interests,
how sometimes materiality is superior to morality, how the appearance is superior to substance.
This is contrary to my ideals, my principals, and me.
Therefore, sometimes I cannot see myself belonging to these places.
Do I feel complete there?
? I do not, becaue it is not my homeland, it is not my home.
I have no past there, I have no childhood there.
Carrying the burden of the homeland outside of it is more difficult.
I was thinking all the time, why is it harder?
Then I found an answer to my question. It was the theory that I discovered for myself.
. I think it is because when you are there, I mean in a free country with well established life standards,
, you lose your status of the victim and
become the part of that free society and
and from that moment you start thinking about the problems of 9 million victims who you left behind.
You think of them every moment, see them everywhere
. For instance, one of those things that I feel touched every time when I see in Europe is old aged grandfathers and grandmothers
who retired and are provided with a good social benefit and they spend the rest of their lives by experiencing good things, traveling over the world
Even their ayes are carefree.
Each time when I see them,
I remember those poor fellow grandfathers and grandmothers misarably standing in front of ATMs in the homeland...
Or each time when I see those libraries in West with full of students,
I remeber the empty libraries in my homeland and feel sorry.
This is a long list.
There are too many things happening in my country that I feel sorry and concerned about.
This search of identification is quite difficult and ten years ago I would not be able to think of that happening to me.
Sometimes I wish I could have more straigt and simple life with less changing ‘forecasts’
Then I think, good that I have had this kind of life because each happening event added me something.
For instance, our village before the war taught me that
all human beings are equal and all people can live together in peace as ‘we’
That grenade at our house taught me that
death can be superior to life sometimes
and now when I face some minor problems and feel sad for that,
I immediately remember that grenade.
Those bloody days, when I went to school,
taught me that the dreams and hopes of a human being is endless
and if you have a dream and hope you can look into eyes of death and devil war.
My mom’s mercy towards the old Armenian lady
taught me that humanity is superior to everything
and merci is much more beautiful feeling than hatred.
Those thieves who robbed me in Norway
taught me that even a criminal can have inner purity and humanity.
And the emptiness that I found myself in,
while trying to open the doors of the world, taught me that one can feel a stranger even in her or his own country.
And all these things taught me that a human being is the centre of the world.
Everything depends on our mind and spirit.
Our perceptions are so deep and wealthy.
The only thing that we need is to open their ways and to free them from frames.
I have a French colleague whose wife is a photograph
and she asked me to take part in her exhibition recently.
I agreed because the idea of the exhibition was interesting.
The author gave a frame to each model
and to determine the meaning of the frame and its place in her life depended on each model.
This is my frame.
To me, it is the frame of human’s thought,
human’s perception, human’s love and mercy, human’s freedom
and I do not want that frame in my life.
At least I want to learn living out of that frame.
And I am an admirer of Sufism.
Sufi says,
“If human beings knew their own inner secrets, never would they look elsewhere for seeking happiness, peace and inner light”.
I wish all of us to discover those secrets.
And I wish all of us to find that happiness, peace and inner light!
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