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TONIGHT'S SHOW.
THAT'S IT FROM WASHINGTON.
>>> ALBERTO.
WELCOME TO "RED EYE."
TONIGHT.
>> HAVE THESE CHEFS COME UP
WITH A CHEESE BURGER THAT CAN
HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
WE WILL SHOW YOU THE
INCREDIBLE SCIENCE BEHIND THIS
HOT NEW DIETING TREND.
AND HOW LONG DID THE PRESIDENT
AND HIS VP WASTE ON A RECENT
TRIP TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND?
>> WE SPENT CLOSE TO AN HOUR
IN THERE LOOKING AT EVERYTHING
THERE WAS TO SEE.
>> AND FINALLY, THE TRAGIC
TALE OF A DOG WHO WON'T STOP
POPPING BALLOONS.
HELPING YOUR CANINES WITH THIS
HORRIBLE DISEASE.
NONE OF THESE STORIES ON "RED
EYE" TONIGHT.
>> BEAUTIFUL.
AND NOW, LET'S WELCOME OUR
GUEST.
SHE IS SO HOT THAT SMOKY THE
BEAR KEEPS TRYING TO PUT HER
OUT.
IT IS MISS NEW YORK, USA AND
HE IS JUST WAITING TO DIE.
TV'S ANDY LEVY.
I THINK HE IS ALMOST THERE.
AND FROM THE DAILY CALLER,
SENIOR EDITOR JAIME
WEINSTEIN.
COME ON, CALL YOURSELF JAMES.
AND STORY TELLER TOM SHILLUE.
HIS LATEST COMEDY ALBUM IS
CALLED "DON'T FORCE IT."
I HAVE SIX COPIES AND I SLEEP
UNDER THEM IN THE PARK.
LOOK AT THAT.
>> A BLOCK.
THE LEDE.
THAT'S THE FIRST STORY.
HEY, GREG, I LIKE THE WAY YOU
COMB YOUR HAIR.
I LIKE YOUR STYLISH CLOTHES
YOU WEAR.
>> AT THIS POINT YOU ARE
MAILING IT IN DISEMBODIED
VOICE.
>> HIS INTERPRETATION WAS A
FABRICATION.
THE SIGN LANGUAGE GUY FOR THE
MEMORIAL AT NELSON MANDELA WAS
A COMPLETE FRAUD.
THE UNIDENTIFIED MAN SAT
BESIDE NOTED SPEAKERS AND MADE
HAND MOVEMENTS THAT HAD
ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING.
I LOVE THIS PERSON.
PROMPTING ANGER AMONG DEAF
PEOPLE.
LET'S PAUSE AND TAKE A LOOK AT
HIS WORK.
>> IN WHICH THEY HAVE BEEN
HAHN HAHN -- HONORING AND
REMEMBERING THE MEMORY OF
NELSON MANDELA SINCE HE PASSED
AWAY.
WE APPLAUD YOU AND THANK YOU
FOR THAT.
>> THEY ARE THE SAME HAND
MOVEMENTS APPARENTLY.
SAID THE HEAD OF THE BRITISH
DEAF ASSOCIATION, QUOTE, THE
GENTLEMAN, BEING POLITE, IS A
FAKE AND HE HAS NO REAL CLUE
ABOUT SIGN LANGE WIG DASH AND
HAS OBVIOUSLY UPSET THE DEAF
COMMUNITY.
THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT
SAYS THEY ARE LOOKING INTO THE
MATTER.
WHICH MEANS GET LOST.
IT IS NOT OUR FAULT.
IN RUSSIA --
>> A GUY FELL OUT OF THAT.
HE IS DOING FINE.
IN RUSSIA HE IS DEAD, BUT HE
IS DOING FINE.
TOM, THIS IS AN AMAZING STORY
TO ME.
IT COULD BE THE STORY OF THE
YEAR.
>> IT IS A HEARTWARMING
STORY.
>> WHY IS IT A HEARTWARMING
STORY?
>> I DON'T THINK THIS GUY
MEANT ANYTHING WRONG.
I THINK HE IS A FINE GUY.
THEY ASKED HIM TO GET UP ON
THE STAGE.
II DON'T EVEN THINK HE KNOWS
WHAT SIGN LANGUAGE IS OR IT IS
A LANGUAGE OR THERE ARE DEAF
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
HE HAS SEEN A LOT OF SPEECHES
AND THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEBODY
NEXT TO THE GUY GOING LIKE
THIS.
SO THEY ARE LIKE STAND NEXT TO
HIM AND HE SAID OKAY AND JUST
DID ALL OF THOSE THINGS HE SAW
BEING DONE.
>> OR SOMEBODY CANCELED.
THIS IS MY THEORY, SOMEBODY
CANCELED AT THE LAST MINUTE
AND HE WAS A FRIEND OF A
FRIEND AND THEY SAID CAN YOU
DO THIS?
>> AND THEY HAVE TO HAVE
SOMEBODY ON THERE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I PLAY A LOT OF COLLEGES AND
THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOMEBODY
DOING THIS.
IT IS TERRIBLE AND A LOT OF
VISUAL CLUTTER.
IT IS A LANGUAGE.
I ACTUALLY THINK IT IS A GOOD
LANGUAGE.
IT HAS ITS PLACE, BUT IT DOES
PRESIDENT NEED TO BE THERE
ALL -- DOESN'T NEED TO BE
THERE EVERY TIME AT EVERY
SPEECH.
WE DON'T HAVE A INTERPRETER
FOR THE BLIND AT THE BALLET.
SHE IS ON HER TOWS.
SHE IS GO -- TOES, SHE IS
GOING HIGHER.
WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
>> IS THERE A SIGN FOR DIGGING
A HOLE LIKE YOU JUST DID?
>> IT IS COOL YOU THINK YOU
SHOULD DECIDE WHEN DEAF PEOPLE
SHOULD HEAR SPEECHES.
>> ANDY, YOU MAKE MY POINT
PERFECT.
MY ANALOGY FOR THE BALLET IS
APT.
WE DON'T HAVE SOMEBODY YELLING
AT THE BALLET.
HE IS THROWING HER IN THE AIR
NOW.
>> BUT IT IS DIFFERENT.
>> ANDY WOULD SAY, THAT IS
WRONG.
YOU WANT TO DEPRIVE THE BLIND
PEOPLE FROM HEARING WHAT THE
MAN WITH THE SIX LEGS IS DOING
IT.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF THEY HAVE
IT AT THE BALLET, BUT THEY
HAVE EARPHONES PEOPLE CAN
WEAR.
>> IT IS A PLAY BY PLAY.
>> WELL THEN DEAF PEOPLE
SHOULD GET A LITTLE SCREEN.
>> THEY HAVE CLOSED
CAPTIONING.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
FUNNY?
THEY ARE CLOSED CAPTIONING
RIGHT NOW IN A BAR.
WATCH THIS.
>> I AM THE CLOSED CAPTION
GUY.
I HATE THAT GUY IN THE ZIPPER
SWEATER.
I AM GOING TO STOP CLOSED
CAPTIONING AND JUST TALK ABOUT
HOW MUCH I HATE THAT GUY IN
THE ZIPPER SWEATER.
I AM GETTING IN TROUBLE RIGHT
NOW.
>> YOU ARE A JERK.
JOANNE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED THERE.
THIS IS A SCARY THING TO ME.
THIS GUY WAS ALLOWED TO GET
NEXT TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
HOW EASY IS THAT?
>> I NEED EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND
CHECKS TO APPLY FOR AN
APARTMENT.
THAT IS NOT NEXT DOOR TO THE
PRESIDENT.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
CRACKS HE GOT THROUGH.
HE IS ACTUALLY SOUTH AFRICA'S
CATCHER FOR THEIR BASEBALL
TEAM.
HE WAS DOING A LOT OF --
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> IT WAS THE SAME EXACT
MOVEMENT.
>> IT LOOKED MORE LIKE AN AIR
TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
>> HERE IS THE THING.
I THINK HE COULD HAVE PULLED
IT OFF BECAUSE HE FOOLED
LIKE -- MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T
NOTICE IT, JAIME.
IS THIS HOW YOU GO AFTER A
WORLD LEADER?
COULD THIS HAVE BEEN A DRY
RUN?
>> I THINK MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T
NOTICE BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE
AREN'T DEAF.
I THINK DEAF PEOPLE NOTICED
IT.
THERE IS A DANGER ASPECT OF
THIS.
AS YOU SAID, THE SECURITY
CONCERN THAT THE GUY GOT IN.
I HAVE MY OWN THEORY WHICH IS
DIFFERENT THAN YOURS.
THIS IS LIKE THIRD WORLD
CLEPTOCRISY.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.
THE PRESIDENT'S BROTHER'S
BUDDY NEEDED A JOB.
WE NEED A SIGN LANGUAGE
INTERPRETER.
HE HAS DONE IT MORE THAN
ONCE.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME.
IT IS GIVEN TO SOME GUY
WHETHER HE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT
OR NOT BECAUSE THE BROTHER'S
BUDDY NEEDED A JOB.
THAT'S HOW HE GOT THERE.
>> ANDY, EARLIER TODAY "THE
TODAY SHOW" I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH IT, IT
IS ON IN THE MORNING AND YOU
ARE USUALLY OUT GALAVANTING
WITH YOUR CATS.
THEY HAD FUN WITH THIS BIZARRE
STORY.
IT GOT A LITTLE UGLY.
>> HE IS JUST REPEATING THE
SAME GESTURES OVER AND OVER.
>> THE QUESTION NOW IS WHO THE
GUY AND HOW DID HE GET THERE?
WE REACHED OUT TO THE BRITISH
DEAF ASSOCIATION AND THEY TOLD
US THE SAME THING.
>> DO WE WANT TO REACH OUT TO
THE AMERICAN DEAF
ASSOCIATION?
>> NO, NO, NO, WRONG.
>> THAT IS HORRIFIC.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT IS
INTERESTING GOING ON THERE?
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY NOTICE IT
IS OFFENSIVE AND THEY REALIZED
IT IS GOING TO LEAD TO AN
APOLOGY.
IT IS LIKE OH MY GOD I AM
DEEPLY OFFENDED, OH NO WE HAVE
TO APOLOGIZE.
STOP NOW.
WE HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
AND, ANDY, THEY APOLOGIZED.
>> OF COURSE THEY DID.
HERE IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE REAL FAKE GUY AND THE
FAKE, FAKE GUY.
THE REAL FAKE GUY, THAT WAS
FUNNY.
I KNOW IT WASN'T FUNNY IN IT
DEPRIVED DEAF PEOPLE FROM
KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING ON AND
IF I WERE DEAF I WOULD BE
PISSED.
BUT THE GUY LOOKED ALL
SERIOUS.
DID YOU SEE THE MOTION HE MADE
WHEN THE SOUTH AFRICAN
PRESIDENT SAID MANDELA PASSED
AWAY?
HE WENT LIKE THIS.
HE DID A THROAT THING.
>> THAT MIGHT BE.
>> FOR PASSED AWAY?
I DON'T THINK SO.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> I DON'T THINK IT IS.
>> THAT MIGHT BE FROM AN OLD
SCHOOL SIGNAGE.
MAYBE IT IS SLANG.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> NONE OF US KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT SIGN LANGUAGE.
>> I KNOW A LITTLE BIT.
>> OH GOD, PLEASE.
>> I SAID I KNOW HOW TO PLAY
HOCKEY, BUT I DON'T.
BUT I SOMEHOW KNOW HOW TO SAY
THAT.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LIE?
>> HIRE ME!
>> FOR ALL OF US SITTING HERE
CRITICIZING HIM, AT THE END OF
THE DAY, HE HAD A FRONT ROW
VIEW OF HISTORY.
HE WILL HAVE THIS FOREVER.
WE ARE JUST GOING TO BE
PRATTLE IN THE PICTURES NEXT
TO PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> MAYBE YOU, BUT I WOULD NOT
CHEAT MY WAY TO A HIS
HISTORICAL EVENT.
>> CAN WE PUT UP THE PICTURE?
YOU GOT A FAKE SIGN LANGUAGE
INTERPRETER NEXT TO A FAKE
AMERICAN.
I MEAN, HOW FITTING IS THAT?
>> ANDY, ARE YOU GOING TO GET
SOME MAIL TONIGHT.
>> THAT IS HORRIBLE, GREG.
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
>> ALL RIGHT, HERE IS MY
THEORY BEFORE WE MOVE ON.
I CALL IT THE GLUTEN FREE
THEORY.
IT IS IDIOTIC, BUT BEAR WITH
ME.
SAY YOU ARE GOING TO A COUNTRY
LIKE SOUTH AFRICA OR SAY YOU
ARE GOING TO MEXICO OR
WHEREVER.
YOU SIT DOWN IN A RESTAURANT
AND YOUR WIFE SAYS DOES THIS
HAVE GLUTEN IN IT BECAUSE I AM
ALLERGIC TO GLUTEN AND THE
WAITER IS LIKE [BLEEP].
HE TALKS TO THE CHEF AND THE
CHEF IS LIKE THIS IS LIKE THE
THIRD AMERICAN THAT HAS SAID
THEY HAVE A GLUTEN ALLERGY.
JUST TELL THEM THAT WE ARE
GLUTEN FREE.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
IT WAS LIKE, THEY FORGOT TO
GET A SIGN LANGUAGE
INTERPRETER AND THEY SAID JUST
GET ONE.
NO ONE WILL NOTICE.
THEY JUST LIED.
>> LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS
MAY BE THE FIRST TIME IN THE
HISTORY OF THE SHOW YOUR
INSANE, IDIOTIC THEORY MAY
HAVE A GRAIN OF TRUTH.
>> I LIKE THAT YOU SAID GRAIN
THOUGH BECAUSE IT IS A
GLUTEN.
>> GOOD POINT.
>> SOMETIMES IT JUST HAPPENS,
THE HUMOR.
GILL DURING UH APARTHEID THERE
WAS TWO SIGN LANGUAGES, ONE
FOR WHITES AND ONE FOR
BLACKS.
NOW THEY HAVE SOUTH AFRICAN
SIGN LANGUAGES, BUT THERE ARE
ONLY SIX ACCREDITED
INTERPRETERS FOR THE SOUTH
AFRICAN SIGN LANGUAGE.
YOU MAY BE RIGHT THAT THEY
COULDN'T FIND SOMEBODY.
>> MAYBE HE IS ONE OF THEM AND
MAYBE ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO
ARE COMPLAINING SPEAK WHITE
SIGN LANGUAGE.
MAYBE IT IS A BUNCH OF RACIST
PEOPLE.
>> THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
>> IF THERE ARE TWO KINDS --
>> FLOW IS ONE THEY ARE TRYING
TO STANDARDIZE, BUT THE PEOPLE
WHO KNOW THE LANGUAGE SAY
THAT'S NOT WHAT HE WAS DOING.
>> I LIKE WHEN WE HAVE FIVE
PEOPLE TOGETHER TALKING ABOUT
SOMETHING WE DON'T UNDERSTAND
AND WE COME TO SOME REALLY,
REALLY MEANINGFUL
CONCLUSIONS.
>> I AM THE CLOSED CAPTIONING
GUY AND I HATE THIS SHOW AND I
WILL STOP CLOSED CAPTIONING IT
RIGHT NOW.
I WILL TALK ABOUT MY AUNT
BETTY.
HE WILL GET FIRED, THIS GUY.
>> THIS IS A GREAT IDEA.
YOU SHOULD DO THIS WHEREVER
YOU GO.
JUST TO GET THE CLOSED
CAPTIONING GUY FIRED.
HE IS AN AWFUL MAN.
JUST SAY IT.
I AM THE CLOPTIONED -- CLOSED
CAPTIONING GUY.
I AM A WHITE SUPREMECIST.
>> THEY ALREADY FIRED THE
FIRST GUY.
THE SECOND IS GETTING FIRED
NOW.
>> OH MY GOD.
>>> THEY SPENT -- I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO DO THIS STORY NOW.
THEY SPENT 300 NEXT TO NIL.
>> WHO THE HELL CARES?
>> ASK THE CLOSED CAPTION
GUY.
IT IS WEIRD WHEN PEOPLE SEE I
AM DATING AN 8-YEAR-OLD.
>> THIS IS AN AMAZING STORY,
EVEN FOR THE CLOSED CAPTION
GUY.
OREGON SIGNED UP ONLY 44
PEOPLE.
ONLY 44 PEOPLE.
THIS AFTER SPENDING $300
MILLION ON THE FAITH-BASED
EXCHANGE.
THIS IS LIKE $30 MILLION PER
PERSON.
I DIDN'T DO THE MATH.
I FIGURE IT IS PRETTY CLOSE.
THIS NEW REPORT BY THE
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN
SERVICES SAYS THE STATE HAD
THE FEWEST ENROLLEES IN THE
NATION NATION -- ENROLLEES?
THAT SOUNDS ITALIAN.
I WILL HAVE SIX ENROLLEES.
>> I WOULD LIKE A SAUSAGE
ENROLLEE PLEASE.
>> THE LACK OF SUCCE
TAKING IN MY
TO BUILD AND PROMOTE THE
EXCHANGE IN ALL OF THE TWO
STATES AND DESPITE OUT REACH
EFFORTS LIKE THIS MUSIC VIDEO
HERE.
>>
♪♪ I WILL SING FOR THE PLACE
THAT MY HEART IS CALLED
HOME ♪
♪♪ WHERE THE SALTY AIR ♪♪
♪ MEETS THE COLD MOUNTAIN
SNOW ♪
♪♪ I AM FREE TO BE HAPPY AND
HEALTHY AND STRONG ♪
♪♪ LIVE LONG IN OREGON ♪♪
♪ LONG LIVE THE OREGON
SPIRIT ♪
♪♪ LONG LIVE THE OREGON WAY ♪
>> I AM THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY
AND I HATE THAT BROAD.
THAT IS SEXIST.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT
THAT IS PRETTY SEXIST.
JOANNE, THAT IS LIKE THEY
SHOULD HAVE GIVEN A MILLION
BUCKS TO 300 PEOPLE.
>> I WOULD GLADLY TAKEN THAT
MONEY.
I COULD HAVE PAID A LOT OF
HOSPITAL BILLS FOR MY FRIENDS,
FOR DRUG ADDICTS, WHATEVER.
>> I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
WHICH IS VERY LITTLE.
>> MY BIGGEST ISSUE IS LONG --
OREGON AND LONG, ISN'T IT
SUPPOSED TO RHYME?
>> YEAH.
I THINK YOU FOUND THE MOST
IMPORTANT ELEMENT OF THE
STORY.
>> THAT'S THE ONLY WORTH WHILE
THING TO SAY.
>> I AM THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY
AND I AM THINKING ABOUT
CALLING UP THAT GIRL ON "RED
EYE."
IS THAT AGAINST COMPANY POLICY
IF I DO THAT?
I MEAN WILL ANYBODY FIND OUT?
MAYBE IF I LIE.
AFTER ALL I DO STEAL FROM THE
COMPANY.
I AM GOING TO MILK THIS JOKE
UNTIL IT IS NO LONGER FUNNY.
PROBLEM -- PROBABLY IS ALREADY
NOT FUNNY.
THIS IS LIKE A MAGICAL
ACHIEVEMENT THAT YOU COULD
SPEND THIS MUCH MONEY.
>> OH I THOUGHT YOU MEANT THE
COMMERCIAL.
>> I WAS LOOKING AT HIM AND
SAID TOM.
I WILL GO TO YOU AND THEN YOU
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
>> DID YOU SEE THE RAINBOW
THAT WAS SHOOTING OUT OF THE
DARK CLOUD?
I THOUGHT THAT WAS DISTURBING
AND WEIRD.
YES THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YOUNG PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO
SIGN UP FOR OBAMACARE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT STATE
YOU ARE IN.
EVERYONE KNOWS IN YOUR 20s
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE.
YOU ARE INVINCIBLE.
HERE IS THE COMMERCIAL AGAIN,
WONDERFUL.
THEN AS YOU BECOME MORE
COMFORTABLE WITH THE FACT YOU
ARE GOING TO DIE AT SOME
POINT, YOU ADD INSURANCE.
>> EXACTLY.
>> NOW I AM FENNELLY INSURED.
I WAS PRESIDENT INSURANCE -- I
WASN'T INSURED UNTIL I WAS
35.
>> YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
CHEAP PREMIUMS AND DON'T
CARE.
>> THEY THOUGHT YOUNG PEOPLE
WOULD RUN OUT AND BUY THIS IS
RIDICULOUS.
IT SHOWS YOU HOW LITTLE
RESPECT THEY HAVE FOR YOUNG
PEOPLE.
WE WOULD PUT ON THESE STUPID
COMMERCIALS AND THEY WILL RUN
OUT AND BUY SOMETHING.
>> THEY THINK THEY ARE STUPID,
JAIME.
I WILL ASK YOU THE QUESTION I
ASKED TOM BECAUSE I THOUGHT I
WAS ASKING YOU.
I DROPPED MY PEN AND IT
CONFUSES ME.
THIS IS LIKE AN ACHIEVEMENT.
IT REALLY IS.
THE AMOUNT OF MONEY SPENT ON
SO LITTLE, IT IS LIKE ALMOST
-- THIS IS LIKE THE PYRAMIDS
FOR BIG GOVERNMENT.
>> IT IS AMAZING.
THE WEBSITE DOESN'T ACTUALLY
WORK WHICH IS WHY THEY HAVE
SUCH LOW ENROLLMENT.
THEY CAN USE A PAPER
APPLICATION TO GET ENROLLED.
I HAVE A THEORY FOR THIS AS
WELL.
>> DOES IT INVOLVE GLUTEN?
>> NO BUT IT INVOLVES OUR SIGN
LANGUAGE FRIEND.
CLEARLY HE HAS BEEN PUT IN
THIS ROLE TO DESIGN THE
WEBSITES WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE
SEEN THEM IN DISASTEROUS
SHAPE.
WHAT IS INTERESTING IS THIS
ALSO EXPLODES ANOTHER ONE OF
THE PRESIDENT'S ARGUMENTS THAT
EVEN THOUGH THE FEDERAL
EXCHANGE WEBSITE IS WORKING
NOT AS WELL, THE STATE
EXCHANGES ARE WORKING
FANTASTIC.
WE CAN SEE IN OREGON THAT'S
NOT EXACTLY RIGHT EITHER.
>> ANDY, IS THE PROBLEM, AND I
THINK YOU ARE GOING TO AGREE
WITH ME, IS THAT THEY ARE NOT
SPENDING ENOUGH?
>> ABSOLUTELY, GREG.
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW THE
WORLD WORKS USING A THING I
LIKE TO CALL MATH.
IF SPENDING $300 MILLION LEADS
TO 44 PEOPLE SIGNING UP AND
OREGON'S POPULATION IS 3.9
MILLION, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO
GET EVERYONE TO SIGN UP IS
SPEND $26.6 TRILLION.
THIS IS SCIENTIFIC LOGIC,
GREG, SOMETHING SON SERVE
TIFFS SHOULD LOOK INTO IF THEY
WANT TO JOIN THE REALITY-BASED
COMMUNITY THAT IS COMPRISED OF
INTELLECTUALS LIKE MYSELF.
>> ALL WE REALLY NEED TO DO IS
PRINT MORE MONEY.
>> IF YOU NEED TO, FINE.
BUT JUST SPEND WHAT YOU GOT.
SPENDING $26 TRILLION, A SMALL
PRICE TO PAY FOR FREE HEALTH
CARE.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S TRUE.
JOANNE, YOU WERE NODDING
ALONG.
WERE YOU BEING POLITE?
>> I WAS TRYING TO DO THE MATH
IN MY HEAD.
>> I DID IT LIKE SIX TIMES.
>> WHEN I DON'T KNOW THE
ANSWER I JUST NOD.
>> THAT'S GREAT.
YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT
NODDING.
TOM?
>> YOU HAVE TO SPEND MORE FOR
THE FIRST 44 AND THAT'S WHERE
YOU HAVE TO PUT THE UP FRONT
MONEY.
AFTER THAT YOU CAN TAPER OFF.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY WILL TELL
YOU, TOM, BUT THEY DON'T TELL
YOU.
THEY GET OUT BACK END.
>> I THINK IT IS QUALITY AND
NOT QUANTITY.
THEY ONLY HAVE 44, BUT THEY
ARE THE RIGHT 44.
THEY ARE THE BEST 44.
THOSE ARE THE ONES YOU WANT.
>> YOU NEED THE CONNECTORS.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE A LOT OF
FRIENDS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
MAYBE THEY SIGNED UP SOME
PEOPLE WITH A LOT OF TWITTER
FOLLOWERS.
>> THAT MAY BE RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I LOST INTEREST.
BUT AT LEAST I AM BEING
HONEST.
CLOSED CAPTION GUY, HEY.
IT HAS GOT TO BE A COMMERCIAL.
IF I AM THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
OFF COMES THE PANTS, HAPPENING
OUT.
LOOKING AT ***.
>> IS OBAMA THE 44th
PRESIDENT?
>> YES.
>> AND 44 PEOPLE HAVE SIGNED
UP?
>> OH WOW.
>> WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
>> YOU HAVE CRACKED THE CASE,
COLUMBO.
>> CLOSED CAPTION GUY, HELP
ME.
YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.
>> I CALLED YOU JEWLUMBO.
THAT'S A JEWISH COLUMBO.
MAYBE THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY
WILL SAY IT.
FINALLY SOMEBODY IS SPEAKING
MY LANGUAGE.
THE PANEL WILL EXCHANGING
SECRET SANTA GIFTS.
I GOT JOANNE MY TOE NAIL
CLIPPINGS.
IT IS WHAT YOU WANTED IS TIME
THE POPE OF THE YEAR OR IS
YEAR THE TIME OF THEOPE OR
IS THE POPE THE YEAR OF THE
TIME?
OH FORGET IT.
>>> DO BABES GET BETTER
GRADES?
IT IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN, BUT
THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY SAID
BABES BECAUSE HE IS A PIG.
A NEW STUDY FOUND BETTER
LOOKING HIGH SCHOOLERS
ACTUALLY HAVE HIGHER GPA'S.
RESEARCHERS REPORTED THAT
STUDENTS RATED AS BEING ABOVE
AVERAGE LOOKING ARE WHAT THEY
CALL STANDING OUT FROM THE
CROWD OR IE, THE GUTFELD
QUOTIENT, HAS HIGHER MARKS IN
SCHOOL.
THEY ALSO CONCLUDED THAT SUPER
ATTRACTIVE TYPES LIKE ME OR
JOHN STOSSEL DON'T HAVE AN
ADVANTAGE.
LET'S GO TO "RED EYE"
CORRESPONDENT, FAT CAT.
>> WELL, I GUESS THAT WAS
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING AND ENDED
RATHER ABRUPTLY.
JOANNE, YOU ARE HIDEOUS.
DOESN'T BEING HOT GET YOU
EXTRA ATTENTION FROM TEACHERS
AND THAT HELPS YOUR GRADES?
ISN'T THAT IT?
>> WELL IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS
THE GIRL WITH THE BACK BRACE.
I DON'T REALLY FALL ANYWHERE
INTO THIS STUDY.
MY GOOD GRADES WERE NOT
BECAUSE OF LOOKS.
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS AN
OVERACHIEVER WITH NO FRIENDS.
>> REPORT THEY ALWAYS LIKE --
AREN'T THEY ALWAYS LIKE THAT?
THE HOT GIRLS?
SHE WAS ALONE.
>> AND THERE IS A STUDY THAT
SAYS 82% OF TEACHERS HAVE BACK
BRACE FETISHES.
IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THAT.
>> AND THE WEIRD THING IS
THAT'S ALL SHE WORE WHICH WAS
AMAZINGLY DISGUSTING IN
AMERICA TODAY YOU WOULD WALK
AROUND IN A BACK BRACE.
WHERE AM I?
JAIME, DO YOU THINK THIS IDEA
HOLDS TRUE FOR BOTH SEXES OR
JUST WOMEN?
>> PROBABLY FOR WOMEN.
BUT I THINK THERE IS A
POSSIBILITY THAT THISY ARE NOT
CONSIDERING WITH THIS.
MAYBE PEOPLE IN SCHOOL FIND
THOSE WHO HAVE HIGH GPA'S
ATTRACTIVE.
MAYBE THAT IS WHAT MAKES THE
PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE.
>> HAVE YOU BEEN TO HIGH
SCHOOL?
>> NO.
>> NOT IN THE LAST MONTH.
AFTER THAT INCIDENT.
>> I AM NOT ALLOWED WITHIN A
HUNDRED YARDS.
>> WHO ISN'T?
TOM, I HAVE A FEELING YOU HAVE
VERY STRONG, STRONG FEELINGS
ABOUT THIS.
>> I DO.
BUT JAIME TOOK MY THEORY AND I
THINK HE IS RIGHT.
THE THING IS THAT WHEN YOU ARE
VERY YOUNG YOU DON'T KNOW WHO
IS GOOD LOOKING.
I WANT YOU TO OPEN UP YOUR
YEARBOOK AND LOOK THROUGH AND
LOOK AT THE GIRLS THAT YOU
IGNORED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
THEY ARE AS SCRUMPTIOUS AS A
PIECE OF BABY WATSON
CHEESECAKE.
THEY ARE FANTASTIC.
YOU WALKED RIGHT BY THEM IN
THE HALLWAY.
>> THAT IS TRUE.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOOD
LOOKING.
YOU CAN ONLY GO ON WHO IS
POPULAR.
AND POPULARITY IS FORMED YOUNG
WHEN IT IS USUALLY THE SMARTER
KIDS IN THE CLASS.
OFTENTIMES THE FIRST AND
SECOND IN THE CLASS, THE
VALEDICTORIAN IS SEEN AS NERDY
AND WEIRD, BUT THE TOP 20 IN
THE CLASS ARE THE POPULAR KIDS
, AND THAT IS WHY PEOPLE THINK
THEY ARE GOOD LOOKING.
JAIME, YOU ARE RIGHT.
>> I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN
BELIEVE MY OWN THEORY.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE
COUNTER INTUITIVE.
>> HE CHANGES HIS MIND.
>> WHEN TOM AGREES WITH YOU IT
SCARES YOU.
>> HE ACTUALLY CONVINCED ME MY
THEORY WAS WRONG.
>> THAT SHOWS YOU THE KIND OF
ICONIC CLASS I AM.
>> WHAT ABOUT BOYS IN HIGH
SCHOOL?
I WILL SOMETIMES LOOK AT MY
YEARBOOK AND SAY WHAT DID I
SEE -- I MEAN WHAT DID THEY
SEE IN HIM?
>> YOU KNOW WHO FELL THE
FURTHEST?
GO TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
REUNION.
THE BIG MEN ON CAMPUS HAVE
FALLEN THE FURTHEST.
YOU CAN RECOGNIZE THEM FROM
THE HIGH SCHOOL FACE, BUT ALL
OF THE FEATURES ARE CROWDED TO
THE MIDDLE.
IT IS A PHLEBY HEAD.
>> THEY GO TO THE CENTER.
>> THEY LOOK LIKE A PARADE
FLOAT AND THEIR LITTLE HEAD
IS -- THEY ARE TRYING TO BE
TOUGH.
SHILLUE, NICE ZIPPER SWEATER.
>> THEY ARE LIKE PARADE
FLOATS.
AND THEY LUMBER AROUND.
OH THAT'S SO WEIRD.
ANDY, DO YOU HAVE A THEORY?
>> NOT REALLY.
>> I AM SCARED OF THEORIES
RIGHT NOW.
>> WHAT I THOUGHT WAS
INTERESTING WAS IT WAS ALL
ABOVE AVERAGE AND NOT ABOUT
BEING GORGEOUS.
THERE IS NO ADVANTAGE TO BEING
GORGEOUS.
WE WERE DISCRIME ?AIT --
DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.
THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN BE
SMART.
>> THAT'S VALID.
>> THANK YOU.
>> ALSO, THE PERSON WHO
CONDUCTED THIS STUDY, THEY
SAID THEY COULDN'T DIRECTLY
MEASURE IF TEACHERS GAVE
BETTER GRADES TO BETTER
LOOKING STUDENTS.
THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF
THE STUDY.
>> THE REASON YOU DO IT.
>> RIGHT.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS STUDY
THEN?
>> TO GET -- YOU KNOW WHAT, TO
TALK TO THE HOT STUDENT.
THIS WAS ALL AN EXERCISE IN
PERVERSION BY SOME UNDER
GRAD -- SORRY SOME GRAD
STUDENTS IN COLLEGE OR PERHAPS
THE PROFESSOR.
WHAT HE WAS DOING IS HE WAS
LIKE, DUDE, HE IS TELLING HIS
BUDDY AT THE CAMPUS PUB, I GOT
IT FIGURED OUT.
GET A GRANT, DO IT ON THE
EVOLUTION OF PHYSICAL
ATTRACTION AND ITS EFFECTS ON
GRADES.
THAT MEANS WE GET TO TALK TO
ALL OF THE HOT STUDENTS.
>> WHAT HAPPENED IS THEY
TRACKED HIM AFTER HIGH SCHOOL
AND THEY ENDED UP TALKING TO
PARADE FLOATS.
>> OH REALLY?
>> IT TOTALLY BACKFIRED.
>> THEY TRACKED HIM DOWN.
THIS ALSO PROVES MY OTHER
POINT ABOUT THE TRUE BIGOTRY
IN THE WORLD IS ATTRACTION.
UGLY PEOPLE GET THE SHORT
STICK ON EVERYTHING.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
BUT I'M TELLING YOU IN HIGH
SCHOOL THERE IS NOT THAT MANY
UGLY PEOPLE.
THEY ALL LOOK TBR.
>> THEY DO BECAUSE THEY ARE IN
THE PRIME OF THEIR LIVES.
THAT'S WHY MILEY CYRUS CAN RUN
AROUND NAKED.
SHE IS SUPPOSED TO.
SHE IS 20.
NOT WHEN SHE IS 60.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.
OR MAYBE I DO.
>> YOU ARE AN AGEIST.
>> I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS
STORY.
COMING UP, THE C BLOCK.
C BLOCK IS SPONSORED BY THE
BULLDOZER.
LOOK AT THAT ONE.
THAT IS A POWERFUL TRACTOR.
LOOK AT THAT BROAD, UPPER
RIGHT BLADE.
IN THE FRONT.
IT IS FOR CLEARING THE
GROUND.
THANKS, BULLDOZERS.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, GREG.
>> OH WOW.
HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE A ONE WAY
TRIP TO MARS?
IF YOU DO WRITE THE WORDS YES
MARS IN SPAGHETTI SAUCE ON
YOUR TV SCREEN AND NASA AND
MYSELF WILL BE CONTACTING YOU
SHO
>>> THIS IS A FOX NEWS ALERT
FROM AMERICA'S NEWS
HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK.
I'M ANDY LEVY.
DEVASTATING NEWS OUT OF PEW
RARE TOE RICO WHERE "MAGIC
MIKE" STAR LOST HIS ABS.
HE IS IN A TANK TOP AND IT IS
NOT HIDING THE FLESH -- FLESHY
GROWTH OF HIS STOMACH.
TATUM WAS HELPING TO SAVE THE
WHITE HOUSE FROM A MERCINARY
ATTACK LEAVING THE QUESTION
WHETHER THE DISAPPEARANCE
POSES A THREAT TO AMERICA'S
NATIONAL SECURITY.
THIS HAS BEEN A FOX NEWS ALERT
AND NOW BACK TO SHORT GUY AND
PANEL ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
>> WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
HAS THERE BEEN ANY UPDATES IN
THE LAST FOUR SECONDS?
>> THERE HAVE NOT BEEN ANY
UPDATES SINCE I READ THAT,
NO.
>> JUST CHECKING.
>> IF THERE ARE I WILL BREAK
IN.
>> ANYTHING?
>> NOT YET.
>> JOANNE, ARE YOU AS HEART
BROKEN AS I AM --
>> WAIT.
I AM BEING TOLD -- I KID.
>> NOW I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO
FINISH THE QUESTION. ALL
RIGHT.
I AM DEVASTATED BY THIS.
TO ME HE WAS THE ICON OF
ABDOMINALS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU HEART BROKEN?
>> HE LOOKS LIKE A REGULAR GUY
NOW.
MAN, I SHOULD SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT THE DOUBLE STANDARD
ABOUT WOMEN GAINING WEIGHT,
BUT I JUST DON'T CARE ENOUGH.
I STILL THINK HE LOOKS GREAT.
JUST SAY YOU ARE DOING IT FOR
A ROLE.
THAT'S THE PERFECT EXCUSE.
>> I SAY THAT ALL THE TIME TO
THE POLICE OFFICERS.
JUST DOING IT FOR A ROLE.
AND THEN THEY PUT ME IN THE
CAR ANYWAY AND GRAB MY
CLOTHING.
JAIME, SHOULD WE BE HAPPY FOR
CHANN NIE G?
>> HE IS PROBABLY EATING A LOT
OF GOOD FOOD.
I CAN'T SAY I AM AN EXPERT ON
CHANNING TATUM.
HE DOESN'T LOOK THAT BAD.
THEY ARE ITCHING FOR A STORY
HERE.
I DON'T REALLY SEE THE STORY.
HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE IS
DISSHELFED.
>> THIS WAS A FOX NEWS ALERT.
>> AND THAT IS A FOX AND IT IS
NEWS AND WE ARE ALERTING.
>> I THOUGHT FOX NEWS ALERTS
ARE SUPPOSED TO COME FROM THE
BREAKING NEWS CENTER THEY
BUILT AND NOT FROM THE --
>> WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG.
>> LOOK, I THINK HE LOOKS
FINE.
LIKE A BOXER --
>> PRIORITIES.
>> AT THIS POINT, YOU KNOW
WHAT --
>> I AM GIVING UP.
>> TOM, HERE IS MY THEORY.
I HAVE A THEORY.
ABS ARE ON THE WAY OUT.
DAY TUNNEL IS A -- TATUM IS A
TREND SETTER AND HE KNOWS.
HE IS TRANSITIONING INTO A NEW
BODY.
IT WILL BE GREAT.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHY ABS ARE ON
THE WAY OUT?
GAY MARRIAGE.
NOW THAT THEY CAN MARRY THEY
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
ABS.
IT WAS THE GAY INFLUENCE THAT
PEOPLE WERE SO INTO ABS.
>> IT IS NOT THE DUMBEST
THEORY.
>> IT IS BRILLIANT.
>> STUDIES OF MARRIAGE SHOW
MEN AND WOMEN GAIN WEIGHT WHEN
THEY GET MARRIED.
WHEN I GOT MARRIED I PUT ON 30
POUNDS.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
>> NO MARRIED GUY HAD ABS, BUT
THE GAY GUYS HAD ABS.
NOW THE GAY GUYS ARE GETTING
MARRIED AND THEY ARE LOSING
THE ABS.
IT IS OVER.
>> SAD DAY.
>> IT IS A SAD DAY.
EXCEPT CHANNING TATUM IS NOT
GAY.
>> BUT THE GAY GUYS LOVE HIM,
RIGHT?
>> I WOULDN'T KNOW.
>> WHO ON THIS SHOW LOVES
CHANNING TATUM?
I HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS GUY
SO MUCH ON THIS SHOW AND I
HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM IN A
MOVIE.
EVERY TIME I AM HERE WE TALK
ABOUT HIM.
>> YOU KNOW WHY?
HE IS AN ICON.
I LIKE HIM.
HE IS THE STRONG, SIGH LEPT
TYPE.
SHE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW HIS
FEELINGS WHILE BREAKING SOME
HEADS.
UNDER RATED ACTOR "MAGIC MIKE"
WAS A SOLID FILM, WITH A B
PLUS AND MAYBE AN A MINUS IN A
COUPLE YEARS.
>> DO WOMEN LIKE --
>> WHY IS IT STRIPPERS WEAR A
TIE WITH NO SHIRT?
I THINK THAT LOOKS DUMB.
>> IT IS SO TRUE.
>> I AM NOT SURE.
>> GOOD POINT.
>> ALSO BECAUSE HE DOES
PRESIDENT HAVE A NECK.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A NECK.
>> THAT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK, IS
IT?
>> SHALL WE MOVE ON?
KANSAS STATE BOARD OF
EDUCATION SAYS STUDENTS SHOULD
LEARN CURVSIVE.
THEY ARE APPROVING NEW HAND
WRITING STANDARDS FOR PUBLIC
SCHOOLS AND MANDATORY BACK
RUBS FROM UNMARRIED GYM
TEACHERS.
I HAD NO IDEA.
STUDENTS ARE EXPECTED TO LEARN
TO WRITE CURSIVE IN THE THIRD
GRADE AND LEGIBLY BY THE FIFTH
GRADE.
CURSIVE ADVOCATES, YES, THEY
EXIST, SAY RECENT BRAIN
SCIENCE INDICATES THE FLUID
MOTION USED WHEN WRITING
SCRIPT IMPROVES HAND-EYE
COORDINATION AND DEVELOPS
BETTER MOTOR SKILLS.
THIS IS AN AMAZING STORY.
APPARENTLY THIS PROMOTES
READING, WRITING, AND
COGNITIVE SKILLS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO
BE A REQUIREMENT IN THE
29th CENTURY?
>> NO, JUST LIKE MENTAL MATH.
YOU DON'T MEED TO TEACH IT
WITH THE ADVANCEMENTS IN
TECHNOLOGY.
YOU DON'T NEED THIS.
YOU DON'T NEED THIRD GRADE.
>> YOU DON'T EVEN NEED THIRD
GRADE?
JUST GO FROM FIRST TO -- FROM
SECOND TO FOURTH?
>> YEP.
>> WHY NOT SECOND TO EIGHTH?
>> THAT'S WHEN YOU LEARN TO
SHARE AND LEARN THOSE SKILLS.
YOU SHOULD DO SOME OF THAT.
IT IS SO TRUE.
WHEN YOU DREW CURSIVE DID YOU
DOT THE I?
>> SOMETIMES I LET THE BOY DO
THE HEART.
>> THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.
TOM, WHAT IS NEXT?
>> YOU KNOW, THEY ARE GOING TO
BE ELIMINATING ALL SORTS OF
STUFF, BUT THEY SHOULDN'T.
IT IS USELESS.
THERE IS NO REASON TO LEARN
CURSIVE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT
USE.
IT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU
WON'T USE?
LATIN.
A LOT OF THE BEST THINGS
ARE -- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS
PASSE?
READING.
YOU DON'T NEED TO READ
ANYMORE.
THERE IS VIDEO.
YOU HAVE WRITTEN TWO BOOKS.
HAVE YOU READ ANY?
I DOUBT IT.
PEOPLE DON'T READ ANYMORE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T
LEARN TO READ.
WRITE CURSIV EXPE LOOK AT THE
STEVE JOBS COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
HOW HE TOOK CALIGRAPHY AND IT
CHANGED EVERYBODY'S LIVES
BECAUSE HE, WOULDED THEM INTO
THE MAC OPERATING SYSTEM.
>> THAT'S FANTASTIC.
HE DOES HAVE STRONG FEELINGS.
ANDY, YOUR PARENTS WERE
TEACHERS AND YOU SUCK.
I GUESS THIS MEANS CURSIVE
WRITING IS POINTLESS.
>> NO, I WILL TELL YOU WHY
ALL-AMERICAN SCHOOL CHILDREN
SHOULD LEARN IT.
CAN WE PUT UP THE IMAGE?
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, GREG?
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA.
THE GREATEST DOCUMENT EVER
WRITTEN BY HUMAN HANDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS WRITTEN
IN?
>> CUR VIVE.
>> CURSIVE, GREG.
IF IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE
FOUNDING FATHERS THEN IT IS
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME THEN DAMN
IT IT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR
SCHOOL CHILDREN.
>> YOU SHOULD PRINT THAT AND
LAMINATE IT AND WEAR IT AS A
PIN.
>> I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT
AND THEN I DECIDED I AM NOT A
TOOL.
>> JAIME --
>> SUCH A PATRIOT.
>> WE ARE FALLING BEHIND
COMPARED TO OTHER COUNTRIES
WITH NAMES I CAN'T RECALL.
BUT WE ARE FALLING BEHIND
THOSE COUNTRIES NONETHELESS
BECAUSE I HEAR ABOUT IT A LOT
ON THIS VERY STATION.
THEY ARE COUNTRIES LIKE THAT
ONE AND THE OTHER ONE AND THE
BIG ONE AND THE BIG SCARY ONE
OVER THERE, THAT ONE
ESPECIALLY WITH THE GUYS WHO
LOOK FUNNY.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?
>> RECESS IS A MORE IMPORTANT
CLASS THAN CURSIVE CLASS.
WE ARE NOT LEADING THE
INTERNATIONAL TESTS INTO MATH
AND SCIENCE.
MAYBE AFTER WE GET
SUFFICIENTLY TEACHING THE
STUDENTS MATH AND SCIENCE THEN
WE CAN DISCUSS CURSIVE.
MY FAVORITE PART OF THE STORY
SAYS SOME EDUCATORS QUESTION
WHETHER CURSIVE IS NECESSARY.
SOME?
WHO IS ACTUALLY THINKING THAT
CURSIVE IS NECESSARY?
IT IS NOT.
WE ARE IN THE AGE OF
TECHNOLOGY.
>> LET ME ASK YOU QUESTION,
HOW DO YOU SIGN YOUR NAME IF
YOU CAN'T WRITE CURSIVE?
>> HOW DO YOU WRITE A CHECK?
>> WITH AN X.
>> YOU HAVE TO WRITE OUT -- I
WROTE A COMEK AND IT WAS SENT
BACK -- WROTE A CHECK AND IT
WAS SENT BACK BECAUSE IT
WASN'T ALL FILLED OUT.
>> YOU CAN SQUIGGLY LINE.
>> IF YOU GO BY WHAT IS
NECESSARY THEN NOBODY WOULD
LEARN ANYTHING.
ART IS NOT NECESSARY, BUT
EVERYBODY SHOULD BE LEARNING
IT.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
SEE HE BLEW YOUR THEORY AWAY.
>> I THINK WE SHOULD GO BACK
TO SIGNET RINGS WHERE YOU
STAMP THINGS.
THAT'S MY ANSWER TO THAT.
>> I LOVE JEWELRY.
I AM ALL ABOUT THAT.
>> I ALSO LIKE CURSIVE.
I USED TO DOT MY I WITH A
HOOD.
>> LIKE YOUR *** BUDDIES.
>> WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.
TERRIBLE.
MORE STUFF IS ON THE WAY.
I GOT A NEW BOOK, PROBABLY
HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT IT, COMING
OUT IN MAR: YOU CAN PRE --
COMING OUT IN MARCH.
LOOK AT THE COVER.
IT LOOKS LIKE A KISS ALBUM.
KISS STOLE THE ALBUM.
YOU CAN GO TO MY WEBSITE G
GUTFELD OR YOU KNOW WHAT IT
LOOKS LIKE?
THE BEGINNING OF BOHEMIAN
RHAPSODY. GO TO G
GUTFELD.COM.
>>> MUST HE BE PALE IF FROM
THE SOUTH POLE?
THAT IS NOT EVEN A RHYME.
I EXPECTED IT TO RHYME.
A WRITER AT SALON.COM SAYS
SANTA SHOULD NOT BE A WHITE
MAN ANYMORE.
SLATE?
WHO DID THIS TODAY.
IASHA -- IS THAT RIGHT?
>> AT THIS POINT WHO CARE.
>> IT IS LESS AND LESS WHITE.
A MELANIN DEFICIENT SANTA IN
MALLS AND CASTING CALLS.
YOU ARE SAY WING SHOULD CREATE
A NEW SANTA OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
AND SANTA SHOULD BE A
PENGUIN.
MAKING SANTA AN ANIMAL INSTEAD
OF AN OLD, WHITE MALE COULD
SPARE MILLIONS OF NONWHITE
KIDS THE INSECURITY AND SHAME
THAT I REMEMBER FROM
CHILDHOOD.
BY I I MEAN ME AND NOT THE
WRITER.
>> I THOUGHT THE CLOSED
CAPTION GUY.
>> THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY IS
GOING THIS SUCKS.
WHY COULDN'T I DO THE OTHER
JOB.
>> SANTA SAVED A PANG WIN --
PENGUIN FROM THE EVIL WAR
LOCK.
AND THEN HE MELTED THE WINTER
WAR LOCK'S HEART BY GIVING HIM
A CHOO-CHOO TOY.
>> DOES HE HAVE A POINT?
>> WAS THAT THE 6th
CORRINE THEE YENS?
>> SHE HAS A POINT.
HOW CAN WE SPARE MILLIONS OF
NONWHITE KIDS THE INSECURITY
AND SHAME I REMEMBER FROM MY
CHILDHOOD?
COME ON.
DID SHE REALLY HAVE INSECURITY
AND SHAME OR DID SHE DEVELOP
THAT INSECURITY AND SHAME IN
GRADUATE SCHOOL?
>> WILL GIVE YOU.
IT IS THAT KIND OF THINKING
THAT IS ELEVATED AND SHE MIGHT
HAVE HAD IT IN A KID, BUT IT
IS INDULGED IN COLLEGE.
WHY IS THE DEFAULT OF OUR
CULTURE MAINLY BECAUSE THEY
ARE MAINLY WHITE PEOPLE, BUT
WHY HOSPITAL WE CHANGE THAT?
>> WE -- WHY SHOULDN'T WE
CHANGE THAT?
>> WE HAVE TO MANY OTHER
THINGS TO FOCUS ON.
MALE.
I THINK SANTA IS A WOMAN.
VERY ORGANIZED.
SNEAK EGOING INTO YOUR HOME.
WE STRESS EAT AND THAT'S WHAT
THE COOKIES ARE FOR AND WE
NEED MILK FOR CALCIUM.
THAT IS THE ISSUE AT HAND.
>> ACTUALLY WE HAVE BEEN
LIVING A COMPLETE LIE.
THE WOMAN WHO WROTE THIS IS
SEXIST ALTHOUGH WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT EXIS THE PENGUIN IS.
DO PENGUINS HAVE SEXES?
>> YES.
>> THEY ARE GAY.
>> WELL, THE MALE PENGUINS
STAY WITH THE BABY.
>> THE WOMAN LEAVES.
SHE WALKS OFF.
>> IF SANTA IS TO TO BE AN
ANIMAL, I UH APPRECIATE IT
BEING A PENGUIN.
>> WHY NOT GIVE HIM ABS AND
HUGE PECS WHILE WE ARE AT IT?
>> WILL THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
NEVER END?
NOW THEY ARE GOING AFTER
GENERAL SANTA CLAUS?
ACTUALLY I AM FOR MAKING IT A
PENGUIN.
MAINLY BECAUSE IT IS
RIDICULOUS AND RIDICULOUS
THINGS ARE FUNNY AND I LIKE TO
LAUGH.
I AM WITH MS. HARRIS.
LET'S MAKE SANTA CLAUS A PANG
WIN.
>> I THINK PENGUINS ARE
CREEPY.
I CAN NEVER TELL IF THEY ARE
FURY OR SLIPPERY.
I DON'T LIKE ANIMALS YOU CAN'T
TELL IF THEY ARE FURRY OR
SLIPPERY.
>> THEY ARE SLIPPERY.
>> BUT THERE IS FUR.
>> IT IS A SLIPPERY FUR.
>> FUR IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
SLIPPERY.
>> IT IS SLIPPERY WHEN WET.
>> AND SO IS BON JOVI.
>> CAN I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM
RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW?
STOP LYING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT
WHERE THE DAMN PRESENTS COME
FROM.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> PROBLEM SOLVED.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE ARE
PEOPLE AT HOME WHO HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING
ABOUT.
>> CHILDREN ARE WATCHING THIS
SHOW.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF KIDS.
>> IT IS 3:00 A.M., I CAN SAY
THAT.
>> IT IS TRUE.
KIDS WHO ARE WATCHING THIS AT
3:00 A.M. THAT'S THE PARENTS'
FAULT.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT SANTA.
SANTA IS REAL.
>> CAN WE JUST ADD TO SANTA'S
POWERS AND MAKE ONE OF HIS
POWERS IS HE APPEARS TO PEOPLE
HOWEVER THEY WANT.
WHITE PEOPLE COULD HAVE A
WHITE SANTA IF THEY WANT AND
BLACK PEOPLE CAN HAVE A BLACK
SANTA.
WOMEN CAN HAVE A FEMALE SANTA
OR MEN CAN HAVE A FEMALE SANTA
AND BE HOT.
>> THAT'S WHAT IESHA'S DAD
TOLD HER AND SHE DIDN'T
BELIEVE HIM.
>> SHE WENT TO GRAD SCHOOL.
>> NO, THE PROBLEM IS IN OUR
CULTURE YOU SEE WHITE IMAGES
OF SANTA AND THAT WOULD HAVE
TO CHANGE.
I KNOW THAT WOULD BOTHER
SOMEONE LIKE YOU WITH YOUR LAY
TAINT RACISM AND *** PHOBIA.
>> IT WOULD DRIVE YOU CRAZY.
>> HOW ABOUT LIKE GROUNDHOG
DAY, JUST ONE DAY A YEAR WE
SPIN A WHEEL AND WHAT EVER
COLOR IT COMES ON THAT YEAR
SANTA WILL BE THAT COLOR OR
THAT RACE OR MALE OR FEMALE.
>> OR MAKE HIM OR HER PURPLE,
THEN NOBODY IS WORRIED ABOUT
IT.
HE IS A DIFFERENT COLOR OR SHE
IS A DIFFERENT COLOR FROM
EVERYONE.
>> I DON'T LIKE PURPLE
PEOPLE.
>> YOU ONLY LIKE WHITE
PEOPLE.
>> NO, JUST PURPLE.
>> NO, IT IS EVERYTHING BUT
WHITE.
>> IT IS JUST PURPLE.
>> I LIKE PURPLE BECAUSE I
LIKE GRAPE JUICE.
>> YOU WOULD.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME
BECAUSE I LIKE GRAPE JUICE.
>> THAT IS SOMETHING HE WOULD
LIKE.
>> GRAPE JUICE IS MORE FUN --
WHETHER YOU A KID YOU HAD
ORANGE JUICE AND APPLE JUICE
SO WHEN YOU HAD GRAPE JUICE IT
WAS A BIG DEAL.
>> I LIKED GRAPE SODA.
I DO HAVE TO SAY JIE. THIS IS
POINTLESS.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GRAPE
JUICE AND NOT GRAPE SODA.
TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
>>> DO YOU HAVE A COMMENT ON
THE SHOW?
Y MAIL US.
DO YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOUR
ANIMAL DOING SOMETHING?
CLICK ON VIDEO AND WE MAY USE
IT.
COMING UP,
>>> COMING UP
>> THE POPE BEAT THE DOPE.
IT IS THE TIME OF YEAR FOR
TIME'S PERSON OF THE YEAR,
AKA, EVERYBODY REMEMBERS THERE
IS A "TIME" MAGAZINE, ONLY TO
FORGET TOMORROW.
"TIME" PICKED POPE FRANCIS AND
WHY PICK GOD'S GUY?
FRANCIS HAS CHANGED THE TONE
AND PERCEPTION OF THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH.
STRESSING PASSION OVER
CONDEMNATION ON HOT BUTTON
ISSUES LIKE ABORTION, GAYS AND
CONTRACEPTION.
TOM, YOU CLAIM TO BE A
CATHOLIC.
WAS THE POPE A GOOD CHOICE?
>> WOW, THE PRESS IS NOW
WORRIED ABOUT THE CATHOLIC
CHURCH ALL OF A SUDDEN.
THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT
THE POPE WAS SAY.
>> DIDN'T HE WIN PERSON THE
YEAR ONE YEAR?
WELL THE THING IS I THINK WE
CAN ALL AGREE THAT THE PRESS
WAS NOT GOING CRAZY FOR JOHN
PAUL II.
>> IT WASN'T AS BIG OF A
CELEBRATION.
>> THEY DIDN'T PRINT HIS
SPEECHES AND TALK ABOUT THE
NEW TONE.
THEY HAD A LOT OF THINGS TO
SAY ABOUT COMMUNISM.
THE POPE COMES OUT AND SAYS
ONE WORD.
IT IS SOMETHING HE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND WHICH IS
ECONOMICS.
HE IS CLUELESS.
I READ THAT SPEECH.
AND YOU KNOW THEY LOVE THE
GUY.
>> I GET IT. HE IS THE SOFT,
FUZZY POPE.
>> THEY SAID -- I WAS READING
THIS ARTICLE AND THEY SAID HE
IS THE OBAMA OF POPES.
HE IS THE JOHN McCAIN.
THE PRESS IS GONNA TURN.
JUST WATCH.
>> LOOK AT YOU.
>> THE CLOSED CAPTION GUY IS
THINKING YOU ARE A JERK.
WHO WOULD YOU PICK AS PERSON
OF THE YEAR?
>> DEFINITELY NOT MILEY
CYRUS.
I AM HAPPY SHE DIDN'T WIN.
THERE HAS ONLY BEEN 4 WOMEN
WHO HAVE WON THIS.
I AM JUST REALLY GLAD IT
WASN'T HER.
BUT THEN AGAIN I VIEW THIS AS
A PAGEANT.
THERE WASN'T A LOT OF
COMPETITION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THE POPE WON, BUT THERE WERE
NO STANDOUTS.
>> I AGREE WITH YOU.
I COULD HAVE WON I THINK.
>> JUST TO CLARIFY TOO MANY OR
TOO FEW WOMEN?
>> OKAY.
>> YOU ARE PROVING MY POINT
BECAUSE WE NEED MORE.
>> THE "TIME" EDITORS ARE NOT
AWARE THAT THE POPE IS AGAINST
GAY MARRIAGE. IF THEY KNEW
THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE WON.
THE MOST SIG -- SIGNIFICANT
PERSON IS A BAD GUY OR
SOMEBODY WHO STARTS A WAR OR
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES WHO INFLUENCES THE
NEWS.
EVERYBODY LIKES POPE FRANCIS,
BUT HE WAS NOT THE LATEST IN
THE NEWS SEEK KILL.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SNOWDEN.
NOT ONLY DID IT REVEAL THE
UNETHICAL LENGTHS THEY GO TO
SPY ON THEIR CITIZENS, HE
LOOKED AT AN ALIGNMENT IN
AMERICAN POLITICS.
WE HAVE PRIVACY ADVOCATES AND
THOSE WHO DON'T THINK A FREE
SOCIETY SHOULD FEATURE A
GOVERNMENT WHO POKES THEIR
NOSE INTO PRIVATE LIVES.
LET'S CALL THEM FREEDOM
LOVERS.
WE HAVE THE USUAL BIG
GOVERNMENT ON THE LEFT.
THE PROPONENTS OF SMALL
GOVERNMENT ON THE RIGHT AND
NOW STAND REVEALED AS POSERS
AND FAKES AND REALITY HAVE NO
PROBLEM WITH A CENTRAL
GOVERNMENT EXERCISING WHATEVER
POWER IT FEELS LIKE.
LET'S CALL THEM SHEEP.
I THANKED WARD SNOWDEN