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Previously
on Californication
This one's not
your lady anymore, Hank.
If you absolutely have to be
with someone else,
this is the right guy.
It's great to see you,
I'm so glad you could make it.
Loving that man-gina.
It is *** liberating.
I think I made
a terrible mistake, you know?
Having a pool is awesome.
Having a husband
in rehab is even better.
And you're *** fired
as an agent and a friend.
Bates is coming back tomorrow.
So we've got tonight?
I am letting go
and letting God.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, you have a little
flotsam and jetsam there.
You just blew him again,
didn't you?
What the ***?
Karen does not understand what
I'm going through right now.
I'm just tired of always
keeping it together
for someone else, you know?
You got to be
*** kidding me.
I am a better,
younger version of you,
so just *** off, old man.
What are you doing?
Been dazed and confused
for so long, it's not true ♪
wanted a woman,
never bargained for you ♪
lots of people talk,
and few of them know ♪
You're thirsty tonight.
Yeah.
Thirsty and miserable.
Good God, man.
Look around.
What have you got
to be so miserable about?
- This is enough for you?
- Enough?
Welcome to the place
where time stands still,
where whiskey flows
and always will.
Liver never pickles.
Your heart never aches.
You can ***
till your ***'s content.
Hmm.
It'll do, little piggy.
It'll do.
Ding dang do.
I missed you, man.
Right back at you, buddy.
I like our little visits.
But I'm looking forward
to seeing you here
on a more permanent basis.
Ah, so you think this
is where I'm going to end up?
Call it a hunch.
I got friends in low places.
Will you take me home?
Oh, yeah ♪
Tyler.
You tell her, or I will.
So what's going on?
Karen
Karen, these last couple of
years have been absolute bliss.
I mean, living here with you
has been the most peaceful
chapter of my story to date.
But, I mean, no matter
how beautiful the grounds
I mean, this place is a zoo.
And I'm a wild animal.
SobrietySobriety is not
the answer for me.
I-I need to be unleashed.
I belong out there
in the wilderness.
Okay.
So
What are you saying?
I'm saying that--
that you are the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
I will love you
till the very end of time.
But I can no longer
be your husband.
Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, my love.
No, I--
Oh, my God.
I know it's upsetting.
It's such a *** relief!
I know, right?
It's *** liberating!
- Oh, that's my cue.
- No, Hank, please stay.
I have something
to say to you too.
Please sit.
Okay, this should
be interesting.
Listen
Look, the three of us
We share something spectacular.
We all love each other.
I'm not having sex
with you, Bates.
That's not what
I'm suggesting, Hank.
But let me
tell you something, kitten.
It would rock
your *** world.
I'm sure, I'm sure.
Jesus.
Look, our lives
are gonna be over
in the blink of a *** eye.
I mean, this is why
I have to go.
I-I can't live
a compromised life any longer.
But you two,
there's still love here.
I know it like I know myself.
- No, no, no, but--
- No, no, no, no.
- No buts!
- Listen to me.
Karen, listen to me.
And you, you know,
with all your shenanigans,
man, it's just a way
to keep her at arm's length.
- What?
- Because you're scared.
What if I'm like you?
You know,
destined to roam free?
Hank, you're not like me.
You're not a warrior.
Listen, if we were members
of the same tribe,
I mean, I'd be out hunting
and gathering.
You'd be home with the women.
Well, that--that sounds
like a way better job.
Exactly, because you're not
an adventurer.
You're lazy and passive
and entitled and--
- Okay, okay, I got it.
- No, no.
But most of all,
and best of all
You are a lover.
All right, that's it.
I've said my piece.
My wisdom's yours,
so do with it what you will.
Come here.
All right.
So, until we meet again
Lovers.
- How you doing over there?
- I'm okay.
This day is turning out to be
a lot cooler than expected.
What you said.
- Now what?
- I don't know.
Picture this--
We pack a bag,
and we drive to the airport.
We buy two tickets
to paradise--
maybe three,
if Becca wants to come with--
and then we just go.
We figure out the rest later.
No.
- No?
- No.
- It's because
- It was worth a shot.
Your solution to everything
is to run away.
- Mm.
- How about
You stay here,
stand still, don't move?
Here, tonight,
have dinner with me
- Uh-huh.
- In this house.
- Hey, that sounds heavenly.
- All right.
Then what?
I don't know.
We just wait,
and we see what happens.
Cool. So we just
see what happens next.
Well, I've got
a pretty good idea.
- That was weird.
- I could see that one coming.
Mmm.
Can I ask you a favor?
- Isn't this a favor?
- Oh, this is a huge favor,
but I also need
a little one too.
- Can you call Becca for me?
- Right now?
No, after is fine.
You had to get mom
to do your dirty work?
Well, I just want
to explain myself.
You don't have to do that.
So why are you still mad at me?
Because violence wasn't
the way to solve the problem.
It's my problem to solve.
But your problem
is my problem, sweetie.
Your work is done, dad.
I am who I am.
I have to make my own mistakes.
Okay, I get it.
I'm sorry.
Apology half-accepted.
So where does that
leave the two of you now?
Like I said, I broke up
with him, told him to *** off.
And then he broke down,
said how sorry he was,
how it was a huge mistake
and it would never happen again.
Yeah.
Heard that before, huh?
Said that before.
It was a convincing case.
We made love.
Ha, you're funny.
- We did.
- Gross!
Honey, why you got to do that?
Sorry.
I mean--no, it's okay.
It's not okay.
I don't think--
I mean, I just
I'm never going
to get used to that ***.
I won't.
And then he asked me
to marry him.
You are funny.
- He did!
- He did? What a clown.
I said yes.
I think I'm going to be sick.
You know
I know I joke about that a lot,
but I'm serious.
Seriously, I'm--
Holy ***!
Dad, are you okay?
No, of course I'm not okay.
I'm woozy.
Look, just because he asked
and I said yes
doesn't mean it's going
to happen anytime soon.
- All right.
- And don't tell mom, okay?
- I want to tell her myself.
- All right.
***, break's over.
I gotta get back to work.
Okay.
- Love you, dad.
- Love you too.
So what happened?
- UhLizzie quit.
- What?
Yeah, *** little ***.
She said something about
how she needed more time to
focus on her career.
I had no idea.
Oh, really?
I'm surprised, what, with
you two being so *** close
and her blowing
other guys and all.
Please, don't remind me.
I know about Stu and Lizzie.
Oh, thank God.
It was so hard for me
to hold it in.
So, so
How are you handling it?
Oh
You didn't know, did you?
But now you do.
Yep.
Now I know!
I'm so sorry, Marcy.
You tricked me!
Well, why the ***
didn't you tell me?
Because in my advanced
middle age,
I've learned one thing,
and that's ignorance
truly is bliss.
Oh, God damn it,
it's these hot, young skanks
with their tight ***
and their perfect ***.
- It's a *** epidemic!
- That is so true!
They can't be stopped.
They're marriage killers.
Oh, okay, okay, it's okay.
No!
God damn it, Irma!
Can you give us
a *** minute?
Dios mio, woman!
I sorry, but the boy--
he talking!
- Say--say again!
- ***!
***!
That's so good.
You're talking!
Oh, my baby!
He's so good!
Don't ever say that word again.
Not a nice word.
What, where--
where are you going?
- I'm going to the set because--
- ***.
I have to see a soon to be
ex-husband about a ***.
- Well, it was two, actually.
- ***.
- What?
- ***.
- That's even worse.
- That's exactly what I said.
And they told me
it was no big deal,
that two was the same as one.
- ***.
- That is *** ***!
I know, right?
Here, you're too upset.
I'm going to drive you.
Let's go.
Yes, okay.
Yes, I'm too upset.
***!
Michael Bay would think
this is ridiculous.
Michael Mann would think
this is ridiculous.
Paul Greengrass would think
this is ridiculous.
I don't care if we go
to 3-D or not.
*** still looks
like ***.
Michael Bay?
He would--
he would laugh at me right now.
I'm sure he is
somewhere laughing at me.
And I've got a *** actor who
won't come out of his trailer?
You're the director--you have
to show them who's boss!
I'm scared.
What the ***?
Holy ***.
God.
Hank, thank God.
You must have read
my *** mind.
- Did you call him?
- No, but I was just about to.
What the ***, Stu?
I told you!
I told you
I never want to see his ***
on one of my sets ever again.
Oh, oh, excuse me.
So this is your set
all of a sudden?
Listen, this is
a producer-driven medium,
you ineffectual
little shitbird.
Shut the *** up, both of you.
I'm looking for that other
little shitbird Tyler.
Well, you're not the only one
looking for him, Hank.
Sam's got a big bug
up his *** about that guy.
He won't come
out of his trailer,
and we're, you know, scared
to go in there, so
Hey, Sam.
If you missed me this much,
you could have called or sexted.
You didn't have to cause
such a ruckus.
This time I didn't bring
the ruckus, Moody.
The *** ruckus
came to me, man.
All right, talk to me.
Tell me what happened.
I talked to Stu
about giving Kali
a small part
in this joint and ***.
So I go over
to her trailer to talk
about putting a baby
up in that ***, you know?
She gonna tell me
we ain't *** no more.
She don't love me.
She ain't never gonna love me.
Then she gonna tell me
she *** got
with Tyler last night, man.
I *** lost my ***, yo,
trashed her trailer.
Now I gotta *** kill
that little cracker, man.
Or have somebody do it for me,
which *** sucks,
because I want the satisfaction
of doing that *** myself,
you know?
Don't do it.
Just let it go.
I don't know, man.
You do something nice
for people--
they take advantage of that
*** over and over again.
- I'm a good dude, Moody.
- I know you are.
You're just like me.
You're misunderstood.
Exactly. And I can be pushed
to the brink, man.
And when that *** happens,
I don't give a ***
about nothing or nobody, man.
That's when
the apocalypse come out.
That's how I got
that ***' name, my ***,
because, yo, I'm three seconds
from blowing this whole
*** world up.
Yeah, okay, okay,
but--but think about it Sam.
This is your moment--
your Eddie Murphy
movie-star moment.
Who gives a *** about the Kalis
and Tylers of the world?
They're nothing.
But you're
Samurai *** Apocalypse.
That's all well and cool, man.
I still think I should ice
that ***.
Please don't.
My daughter loves
that floppy-haired mope.
I'm not sure exactly why,
but she does.
I got little girls, man.
I can relate to that ***.
So what--
I don't kill this ***,
your daughter don't get
her heart broken?
Exactly.
Maybe that's the move, yeah.
Oh, that's the move, Sam.
Mos def
initely.
Let's fire this ***
up, yo, come on.
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
You, you're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I just saved your life.
And you know how you're going
to repay the favor?
You're going to stay the ***
away from my daughter,
and you're going to rescind
that stupid ***
marriage proposal, you hear me?
All evidence to the contrary
I love her Hank.
I do.
I believe you.
I do.
But you're years away
from having any kind
of real relationship with her.
You're like a kid
in a candy store now.
So--so go wild.
*** two of everything.
Have fun.
Just don't torture her
while you're doing it, okay?
You're making a lot
of sense right now.
Yeah, I'm having a good day
Putting out fires
left and right,
wording to the wise.
You wanna man-pound?
Action!
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Garfunkel!
You got three seconds
to release her!
One
You gotta be out of your mind.
Killing bad guys
is my business,
and business be
***' crackin', yo!
- Thank you, officer.
- You're welcome
***!
Uh, it's fine.
Officer?
Get the *** out of here,
streetwalker.
We working here.
Thank you.
It was really good, yeah.
Still rolling!
I'm not
That was one
fine-*** hostage, yo.
She's a real heartbreaker,
all right.
Seriously
No, I-I
Yo, what the ***, man?
Yo, I gotta bring down
the *** apocalypse
on these ***, right?
Cut!
Reset!
- Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You think
you can *** disrespect me
in front of my cast and crew,
and don't get your
*** *** killed, ***?
I wasn't mocking you, Sam,
I swear!
Yeah, well, you're over here
flirting and laughing
while I'm trying to work,
***!
You know what, you two
*** belong together--
two unfaithful ***!
You little snotty
Hollywood ***!
I give you the chance
of a lifetime.
What the *** you do with it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't worry, Tyler.
It's a fake gun.
Biscuit.
- Whoa!
- ***!
You got any more bright ideas?
For a guy with
a gun to his throat,
you're pretty *** funny.
Look, look, look, Sam,
if you're gonna shoot him,
you're gonna have
to shoot me first.
Moody, my brother, mind
your business right now, man.
As much as it pains me
to admit it, Sam,
I hooked up with Kali too.
Get the *** out of here, man.
You bullshittin', man.
You my *** boy.
You wouldn't do that, man.
I am!
But I did.
I didn't mean to.
W-we met on the flight to L.A.,
and we smooched a little,
and then I didn't think
I'd ever see her again.
But t-there she was
at your place,
looking fine as wine.
Is this true, ***?
Yeah.
So what--a little smooch
on the plane, man?
- I can live with that.
- Yeah, well
What?
You know,
once you kiss somebody,
it's hard not to want
to do it again, right?
So--so we did
And then some.
God damn it,
the truth just sounds better.
Kali, is this *** true?
Calvin, I never meant
to hurt you.
So y'all been ***
all along, right?
No, just twice.
- Twice, right?
- Yeah, just twice.
Yeah, just the twice.
Yeah, but both times
I accused y'all of ***,
you actually had been ***!
Yeah, it turns out you've got
quite the nose for sex, Sam.
This is *** up, man.
You breaking
my *** heart, man
Both of y'all.
I can't believe this ***, man.
Move, ***.
Whoa!
What the *** y'all
looking at, huh?
What, you gonna ***
videotape my ***
and put it on YouTube?
You wanna see
a *** show ***?
I'll show you a show!
No!
Charlie!
Oh, ***.
- Oh!
- It's getting dark.
It's getting dark.
Oh--oh,
that's much better.
Thank you.
Oh, God, I'm knockin'
on heaven's door here.
Runkle, you okay?
I didn't mean
to shoot you, man.
I can't believe you shot at me.
My head's all *** up, man.
*** do that
to a ***.
No more love no more, man--
just *** and grass.
That's the spirit.
Hey, Stu,
I think you should shut
this *** down, man,
and do a whole rewrite.
I don't want to be contributing
to the violence
in society no more.
I think that
is a brilliant idea, Sam,
but the studio--
I don't think they're gonna want
to risk making you unlikable.
Oh!
Marcy, what the ***?
God damn it, Stu!
I know about the blowie!
It was two, actually.
It was two.
And you're gonna be hearing
from my attorney, ***!
Marcy, no! I was just making
memories, Marcy.
*** you, Stu!
I am so sorry!
I love you so much!
- So much!
- Suck on this!
So much, baby!
I can't believe you'd
actually shoot somebody for me.
That's one of the single
most romantic things
anyone's ever done for me.
What can I say, mama?
You bring all that
*** out of me.
Mm.
Watching you walk inside ♪
radiance swallowed in light ♪
but I know it ain't right ♪
but for now ♪
So are we good, Hank?
- Are we good?
- Are we good?
You just took a bullet for me.
Of course we're good.
I told you I would,
Hank, didn't I?
I told you
I'd take a bullet for you.
You sure did,
and I love you for it,
you stupid,
bald son of a ***.
I love you too, Hank.
I love you,
and I love little Stuart.
You tell him I love him, right?
You tell him I tried
to be a good daddy, okay?
No, no, you tell him yourself.
You're going to be
a-okay, buddy boy.
You're gonna live to humiliate
yourself another day.
How about Lizzie?
Does she seem worried about me?
Lizzie?
Yes, already know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
she looks pretty upset.
That's nice, Hank.
That's nice.
- Hey, you got this?
- Yeah, I got this.
Hey.
What the ***
were you thinking?
You're jumping
in front of bullets?
That little mutant needs
a father more than ever now.
- Ow!
- Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Hey, you better not be calling
to cancel on me.
You wish.
No, I just--
you better bring some wine,
'cause it's kind of
a-a dry household right now.
Uh, will do.
Yeah, I asked Stu to hook me up
with a bottle of the good stuff,
but then Marcy had to go
and pistol-whip him.
What?
It's a long story.
I'll tell you over dinner.
Okay,
I'm looking forward to it.
Oh, oh, oh, a-and wait.
Becca thinks
she's getting married.
Okay, now I am gonna hang up.
No, no, wait.
No, don't, don't, don't.
Uh, just--
Come on, tell me you love me,
just one time.
Tell me.
Just come home.
Okay, I will. I just got
to swing by Charlie's first.
Maybe I'll steal
a bottle of Manischewitz.
Damned if you don't ♪
well, I wish you would,
but I think you won't ♪
damned if you do,
damned if you don't ♪
Well, I wish you could,
but I think you won't ♪
Aw
- I saw that!
- Ah! Jesus ***!
No, it's just little old me.
Carrie, what the ***
are you doing here?
I wanted to see you.
I felt bad about the way
we left things.
I said some
pretty harsh *** that night.
Well, you know what?
A lot of it was true.
You were right.
I-I-I deserved it.
Well, thank you
for saying that.
And maybe it was.
And maybe you did,
but I still missed you.
I lost my job.
Oh, well,
I'm--I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, I came out here
looking for another one--
had a bunch
of *** interviews
and, um, thought
I'd look you up.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah, but then
I got to go, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Did you ever love me, Hank?
Be honest.
No.
You just liked *** me?
I did like *** you
very much, yes.
I did.
Well
Then lets ***
- No.
- One more time.
- No, no, no more times, okay?
- One more, come on.
I'm sorry.
I can't. I'm sorry.
What does she have
that I don't have?
I don't--I don't know.
She
She's just my everything.
C-c-can we not do this, please?
It must be so nice.
It must be so nice
to be loved like that.
But okay, no, no.
No more ***.
One drink, though
Please?
And I'll be on my way.
I promise.
- Just one drink, all right.
- Just one drink!
- All right.
- Okay.
Okay, right.
Okay.
There, one drink.
You happy?
I'm the furthest
from happy I've ever been.
I'm--I'm sorry, Carrie.
I just--
I-I can't help you.
No, you can--
No, you can help me, Hank.
You can help me.
You just--
you know, you're not going to.
And not being loved--
never, never, ever
being loved
That just really
takes a toll on a wo--
Hey, whoa.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- I think it's the pills.
- What pills?
I probably
shouldn't be drinking.
What pills?
Oh, I, uh--I started
taking these antidepressants,
um, a few months ago.
Hey!
I know!
It was after you dumped me!
I mean, you know,
I had to do something.
I set your apartment on fire.
How *** bonkers was that?
How--how many of these
did you take?
I don't know--a bunch.
Okay, okay.
They usually
make me feel better.
- I shouldn't mix them with ***.
- I'm--I'm calling 911.
No, no, no, no, that's silly.
Don't do that--stop it.
Carrie, look, I need you to be
honest with me right now.
How many of those pills
did you take?
- How many?
- No more than you did.
What do you mean?
Hank, how are you feeling
right about now?
What did--
what did you do?
Carrie?
Carrie.
Hey, just think
When they find us
it'll look like to the world
that we were
meant to be together.
What did you do?
Only what you made me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you love me.
I love you.