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[High Five] Top of the mornin' to ya laddies!
My name is Jacksepticeye,
And welcome back to Tasty Planet!
I'm hungry! I hunger
for the sustenance of people
and rats, and everything.
I keep forgetting to see what the names of the levels are.
But I think
We are finishing up Egypt soon.
and I cannot wait to get to Rome
and destroy everything!
Rome wasn't built in a day,
but by god it's gonna be destroyed in about
***' 60 seconds.
That's how I roll.
Stop eatin all the rats!
Cats eat rats! I know that, it rhymes!
There's a whole ***' stereotype and
generalization about that,
but you should stop eatin them
because I need sustenance!
I swear ta' God. I'm gonna get big enough
To be able to eat ye cat ***
Thinkin' that you're all smug eatin all my rats
I'm gonna have so many *** diseases after finishing this game
Not in real life, in the game.
My goo is eating every single
specimen and animal that it can come across
I have a few venereal diseases here and there, I must have.
There's no other way around it. Get away cats!
As soon as I'm able to eat you guys you are going down!
Not even downtown
You're just going so down, they don't even have a name for how down you're going
That place doesn't even exist yet, you're going down into the depths, so far down
YES!
GET RECKED CATS
Did that rat just turn into a cat? Did you see that?
Are those foxes?
Well these are Egyptian Maus so you're probably an Egyptian...
F-fox?
That- that would make sense. EAT THEM ALL!
Yeah!
My God. I love this game! It's so addicting.
Every time I get into it, cuz the levels repeat themselves a lot, it's a lot of the same stuff
But it's so much fun!
It's so much fun devouring stuff and then getting big enough
To be able to devour the things that you were tiny against before
Like these *** Jackals
Jacks eatin Jackals! Wussup!
There can only be one king of the Jack around here.
Ain't no *** Jackals that's what I know
Ok eat the cats. The cats are not big enough!
You gotta eat the Jacks! Eat the Jackals
EAT THEM ALL!
Do the Jackals get bigger when they eat stuff or is it just me? I think it's just me.
Yes!
Eat them all, eat them all. Who cares about cats? You don't need cats anymore.
Jackals are where it's at.
Jackals are the life blood of this country.
How many *** animals are in this game?
Good god! I'm making every single species that I attack extinct at this rate.
You know, cuz, there were rats
And then cats ate the rats, which makes sense.
Then the dog type creatures ate the cats
Which makes more sense, but
But the crocodiles eatin the dogs?
I'm not sure if that's in the history book.
I'm not sure if that's an established hierarchy on the food chain
That you might think it is
I mean in your head it probably made sense
Rat, to cat, to dog, to crocodile??
I'm not seein' where you went there, bro.
I'm not seeing how you came to that conclusion.
YEAH! I did it!
*** gold medal, baby!
That actually felt good.
That's the first gold medal I've gotten, isn't it?
Oh no, I got one back here.
Ah, two gold medals in four thousand levels.
[laughs]
Oh, this is a big one.
This might be the last Egypt level actually.
'Cos it's called "Edible Egypt", so I think I have to- Yeah.
I start out from the smallest grubs.
Come at me, Grub lord. I'm ripped!
You start out at the smallest grubs and you gotta make your way to the big ones.
To the big game, to the big dogs.
Here we go. Oh yeah!
Wait till you see.
Gonna be eatin' some *** pyramid-*** pyramids by the end of this.
You might as well be calling me a *** museum right now.
Because I am FULL of historical objects.
I may as well open up a jewelry store.
'Cos I ate that much jewelry and earrings inside me.
Ancient Egyptian jewelry. Come on down!
We have everything you want!
Do you want Cleopatra's headdress? Do you want a mummified face?
We got it. Come on down to Jack's Egyptian Emporium!
Where we have everything that you can want and love, from Egypt!
We even have Egyptian people!
Uh, I can't *** eat anything else yet.
Come on! Gimme those artifact-os!
I need to get them. I can't *** fail this.
There's a lot riding on this, okay?
When was I able to eat that? These things are huge.
I mean, their mass is spread out over a long cylindrical object.
Ha ha ha!
So it kind of balances itself out.
But it doesn't feel like it should have to be able to eat them.
I should be able to eat his weapons.
Come on.
Why isn't that a thing I can do?
Yes, here we go.
Here we go.
***'s about to kick off now!
Tutankhamen, nice to know ya!
DIIIEE!
EAT! ALL THE PEOPLE!
Where're you guys going, to the store?
You going down to the Egyptian store to buy yourself a bit of *** crocodile-skin?
Not today!
Today you're coming down to Jack's belly!
Where I will eat you all. Seventy to seventy-five percent off.
It's actually a hundred percent off, 'cos you're all gonna die!
I'm so- All of 'em Anubis.
Don't think of it as ***!
Think of it as me saving you from the crippling-
Uh, house-
Uhhh, depression that was about to happen in a couple a thousand years.
You know, the housing market crashed?
I'm saving you guys the misery of having to go through that.
Ah, hippo-pota-mato-puses!
Yes!
SO BIG!!
Yes, eat 'em all! Eat 'em all!
I AM KING OF THIS FOOD CHAIN!
IN FACT, I AM THE CHAIN!
I am the chain that this food resides on.
Eat all the cows.
Moooo.
Moooo!
Moooo!
Have you guys ever wanted an organic vacuum cleaner?
Jack's here to aide your worries.
You got some pesky cows lying around?
Just call 1-800-BOSSOMATIC BOSSATRON.
And you will get your very own organic vacuum.
Hoover up all those nasty cows.
Get rid of that stain on your life, and on your floor.
Got a pesky boyfriend that just can't take no for an answer?
Give him the ol' Jack-a-matic!
The ole Jack-a-washer Vacuumizer!
He will learn his lesson very fast when he messes with you, Cindy!
You're a strong independent woman who don't need no man!
Just, I'm just settling down the housing problem here.
Everything wasn't laid out in an efficient manner.
Some people had to climb over other people's houses to get to the shops.
That's not gonna fly.
That's not gonna work in the 21st century.
You're gonna have to change your outlook on things.
Holy Fuckaluchy!
I'm sorry that I'm destroying your civilization, but you should have built it stronger!
You didn't see the *** Mayans subjecting themselves to this ***, did ya?
No, they built- they built stuff that lasted until modern day.
I mean, you guys built *** pyramids, what have you done for me lately?
[reading first comic box]
I didn't even eat them!
I ate all your houses, I didn't eat the pyramids.
[reading the rest of the comic]
Where am I now?
*** Ancient Rome-tomio?
Can't wait, man, can't wait.
"Feast"!
It's only 50 seconds long.
I'm eating raisins!
Oh, this is healthy.
It's actually the best meal I've had in this game so far.
No more of that dark *** dinosaur meat.
No, some good old-fashioned prune-it-up, pruned-up, sundried raisins.
Yaaayyyy!
Can I eat something else?
A pure raisin diet is not good for you.
What else have we got?
***' green grapes.
Yes!
Just *** them out in liquid form and we'll make wine.
Red grapes? Of course, you can't just have a balance of green grapes.
If it's just green grapes, then your pee's gonna be a weird color!
You gotta get everything in there.
Olives? Olives are good!
Heart healthy!
They're very good for you!
They'll make you strong.
Strong in bones AND in heart-face!
Here we go.
Really digging this music that goes with this scene.
This doesn't clash at all!
Ancient Roman times?
Sweet sexy jazz bluegrass music!
Yeah!
I'm almost there. I'm almost there. I can do this.
Ah! Get out of my *** way, you stupid fish!
Can I eat the fish yet?
Yes!
Eat all the fishers!
Eat everything on this table!
We are a man of our word!
We do--ahh, one away!
We do NOT leave anything on the table!!
There are no leftovers!
"Roman rats."
Why?
Why are you guys making me eat *** rats all the time?
I'm on a diet. I'm in my bulk phase.
How am I supposed to get hench?
How am I suppose to get swole
if you keep giving me grapes and rats?
I mean, rats have nice protein,
but they also have diseases.
And diseases are not good for a bodybuilder and goo like me.
Noo.
***' rats are eatng everything as well!
Greedy ***.
If there's one thing I know about rats,
greedy ***.
Never liked them.
Never liked them.
That's why they didn't get invited to my birthday that time.
You rat ***.
Stay away! Stay away from my raisins.
I'm gonna use this matter a lot better than you guys would!
You guys are just rats. I am an amorphous goo
whose actually gonna transform this to make me bigger!
You guys are staying the same size.
That's not efficient.
Ha!
It's okay.
You're being assimilated into the hive.
We are many. You are but one.
What can I eat? What can I eat? There's ***' arrows pointing up.
I did it!
Did I get a golder?
I didn't even get a *** medal.
God dammit, where's my medals?
There's only a minute and three seconds.
Toga party! Eat 100 people wearing togas.
Are you wearing a toga?
Are you wearing a toga?
Toga, toga! Two thousand!
Yes! Eat all the people wearing togas.
Do you guys all count?
Are they all wearing togas? Just of different colors?
I think so.
It's time to eat them.
Okay, they do count. Nice.
Nice!
Everybody congregate in the square!
There's a sale on togas today.
100% off!
Actually, no. That's called streaking and nudity.
We're not allowed to have 100% off. The guards will be called again.
They were called last time.
They gave out to me.
And they said I couldn't do that again.
I mean,
I'm a progressive forward thinking Rome.
Oh, stop screaming!
You'd swear you were being devoured by an amorphous blob that's sucking you into its own existence
and making you obsolete.
Oh, wait! Haha! That IS what's happening!
Die ***!
Ten more. Ten more. I can do this, I can do this.
Gold medal, gold medal.
Not gonna get the gold medal.
Not gonna get the gold medal.
Oh! Oh gold medal?!
Yeah!
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
I almost had 50/50.
You see?
I think about the men and the women.
I'm not prejudiced. I don't favoritize-amize
some people over others.
We are all beautiful.
You are all beautiful people out there.
Regardless of who you are, and what you like.
Y-you are beautiful and we all love you! Muah!
That's the lesson to take away from this video.
Okay!
"Shopping spree!"
[singing with music]
Roman soldiers!
Why are you trying to kill me?
I'm just here eating fish,
can't you see?
Everything
is good when you are blob.
Can I eat the bread yet?
Ooh! I can eat the vases.
I mean,
where else am I gonna store all those fish? In my body?
I know I'm eating the people,
and you're proably like:
"Oh! You can't eat them, that's ***!"
But you know what?
There's no more population problem in Rome.
'Cause this place sucks.
See soldiers? You're being part of the solution!
Don't be part of the problem,
be part of the solution.
Help me help you, help me help you.
What the ***?
Who's firing arrows at me?
*** slingshot catapult ***.
God dammit, man!
Can't be doing that, you cant be doing that.
I am senor Jackaboy.
God,
those are kinda scary actually.
Eat all the statues!
If you eat the statues, you'll be good and strong like concrete.
Wait, what are statues made out of?
I don't--uh, plaster?
Uh, ceramic?
I don't know!
AAH!
I got stabbed!
Ah, I'm bleeding out!
Help!
Aah, Roman gods!
Could I get to a point where I just eat the arrows as they're flying at me?
Haha! I'm eating your Ballistas!
That's the *** word I was looking for before, not slingshots.
Yes!
Can I even fit through here, or am I too big?
I will eat your arrows and *** them back at you!
Is that what you want?!
*** Romans.
You guys thought you were the kings of everything.
You guys thought your civilization was the best. Well,
you know what?
That's Hubris for you.
There's a lot of civilizations that think they're the best,
and then they fall apart and get destroyed.
I mean, Rome is still a place and everything.
but the Roman civilization we know today is a lot nicer than the one back then.
Back then you guys were all ***.
All trying to kill each other all the time.
Where's the fun in that?
Who are we gonna party with if everyone's dead, huh?
That's what I'm thinking about.
Yeah! Here we go!
You see?
You didn't build your houses well enough.
If your houses were built better, a big giant blob wouldn't be able to suck them all up and kill you all.
Okay, last level.
"Are you not entertained?"
That's a ***--that's a Maximus Delirious Mitsubishi, Ford Toyota Corolla reference.
I don't know why everyone said the coliseum was a hard place to win in.
And a lot of people died in--I'm having a *** great time.
It's pretty easy for me.
There's tigers and lions and everything roaming around.
Ha,
"Roman" around.
Ha ha!
When in Rome!
Ha!
Oh god, the jokes are--
These are the jokes, people. I mean,
There's setting a bar high, and then there's setting a bar SO high that nobody's jokes will ever amount to anything
next to them
ever again.
Those are not my jokes.
I'm saying that's the bar that I have to reach for it,
coz my jokes are AWFUL.
But, I mean, what do you expect?
I'm not a joke magician.
I can't just pull them outta my ***.
Um, excuse me lions,
Could you um, leave some of these guys for me?
I need them a lot more than you do.
No "lion."
Hahaa..
God, why do I make so many puns lately?
Puns are those jokes that I used to hate.
And now all I make are pun jokes.
Maybe it's because I'm so punny.
OH GOD STOP
Excuse me sir,
what would you like to eat today?
On the menu, we have a coliseum full of lions,
or a coliseum full of men.
Hmm,
One of each please!
Mr. Waiter sir!
Because I am a fat blob ***,
and I will eat everything that's put in front of me.
I am not prejudiced against the different types of foods that you give me
I will eat absolutely everything.
Seriously.
In real life too.
I eat everything. You know why?
Because food is awesome.
Any everyone who says differently must be
a non-eater.
Must be a zombie
if they don't like food.
Food is the best!
I wouldn't eat anything else.
Are we almost done?
Come on, one more ballista.
One more ballista and we're done.
How did I know that?
Is that a gold medal?
Really?!
Oh!
I was two seconds under.
Yes!
Okay!
I'm gonna leave this episode here, we got through a nice chunk of levels that time.
All of these.
Because some of them were pretty short
So,
I probably will finish out this game.
I don't know, there's not a whole lot left to do.
So, why not?
Heh, when in Rome.
Stop making that joke.
It's not funny. Stop laughing.
Did you laugh at that? Shame on you. Shame.
Anyway,
THANK you guys so much for watching this episode
If you LIKED it, PUNCH that like button IN THE FACE
LIKE A BOSS!
And,
High fives all around.
[whapish, whapish]
But THANK you guys and I will see all you dudes,
IN THE NEXT VIDEO!
I got a lollipop.
I'm not gonna eat it yet though.
I'm gonna save it till later.
I haven't had my dinner yet.