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Mitt Romney Wears anti-bacterial yellow gloves while greeting rust belt Americans.
A pilot loses contact with 97.5 the river and Donald Trump stares forlornly at his
tiny aged *** in the mirror before putting on his clothes and beginning his day
and now an especially pandering web video designed to prepare you for the
impending apocalypse this is the Onion weekend review.
Americans across the nation announced Thursday they were looking forward to 3
months of carefree vegging out before the looming responsibilities of the upcoming
fall television season.
The U.S populace confirmed that with the conclusion of such shows as Madmen
and Game of Thrones they planned to lounge around on couches throughout the summer
and zone out before being forced to once again sacrifice quality time with friends
and family to keep up with the multiple new sitcoms, drama's and reality shows
this August.
It would be nice to sleep in on Sundays and sit on the couch and just do nothing
without the pressure of having to watch a television show.
I can't wait to spend a little quality time with my NetFlix Queue.
Former republican presidential candidate Herman Cain returned to the spotlight
Tuesday when he announced his official endorsement for the presidency to who
gives a ***. Cain said that after months of soul
searching and serious consideration he has decided to support no one gives a ***
about you or your political beliefs Herman Cain so you shut the *** up and go away now.
Cain's announcement was followed by a statement from Sarah Palin, you have got
to be kidding me, now way not even if she is announcing she invented a *** time machine.
I am sorry, I just can't.
And in this week's Onion tips section 5 easy ways to adapt your deplorable
and parasitic existence for the upcoming Armageddon.
Tip 1, focus on preparing your home for any number of disaster situation which
still probably won't take your mind off of your impending death or the myriad
mistakes you made in your short pitiful life. Tip 2, make sure your linens are clean
prior to the upcoming catastrophe as these are likely the very same sheets on which
you will soon be slowly asphyxiated. Tip 3, take some time off work and spend
your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive machine that was just about the
only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days.
Tip 4, spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your
family knowing fully well you would rather be doing a number of other gratifying yet
completely depraved things, right sicko.
And finally, catch up on any movies you might want to see before you die including
the upcoming film seeking a friend for the world starring Steve Carell and Keira
Knightley in theatres this Friday.
It is supposed to be really great, really, really great.
In other news a smitten foot fetishes thinks these may be the two, a woman
and her gay best friend go on another one of their little adventures and a dead
daughter would have wanted a 220 million dollar liability settlement.
Surely these closing words provide you with some minor comfort as the merciless
flames of Armageddon slowly envelope your world, but if not to be sure to visit the
Onion.com/newsbeat for more.