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Normally, we wouldn't allow anyone into New Vegas without their radiation-proof HazMat suit
But...Oof...these things are hot! And they wrinkle your clothes and just generally make you look eh... bulky.
Let's face it, no one wants to hang out in New Vegas not looking their best.
Do you? No!
That's why we spent countless manhours researching and developing stylish, 3D glasses.
You may be wondering how a pair of 3D glasses is going to protect you in a radioactive wasteland.
Well, these are constructed with high-impact, space age cardboard
that would be worn like so.
make any and all radioactive materal glow
keeping you safe and more importantly, looking super-stylish at all times.
These glasses will be distributed at the handy kiosks found near the entrance of New Vegas.
Let's go there now.
This is the unstable, radioactive, cosmic radiation exposure of whole extremities distribution kiosk.
Our good friend Stan will be manning the kiosk for us.
Stan, tell our buddy how safe it is in there
Well Stan had a bad shellfish...
When you thought of the old Las Vegas, the first thing that came to mind for most of you was getting hammered, losing all your money and, if you were really lucky, maybe even contract a STD.
I'm here to tell you, you can do all this and more in New Vegas!
Upon your arrival to the casino, we recommend heading straight for our world renowned slot machines.
New vegas even has a slot machine never seen before that guarantees a winner.
Everytime you put in one dollar, you get four quarters.
Don't gamble? Or simply can't count to 21?
Don't matter, we have dozens of glamerous show women to tickle your fancy...
Our show women are some of the most beautiful and sophisticated women you can ever hope to hate.
Look at those... gorgeous legs.
Alabaster skin, those supple pouting lips.... mesmerising eyes
I... I... I can't stand that, thats just... creepy
That's better! Who needs Vegas when you can see that our show women are three times better than normal.
Three times the talent, three times the personality and one point five times the !@#$%
That whether on slot tables, shows or nightclubs, everything in New Vegas gives you more, more, more.
No no no not a chance, not a chance.... Beautiful.
No trip to Vegas is complete with at least one trip to an all-you-can-eat buffet.
And New Vegas comes equipped with our own, signature buffet - can't pull a fitting, any taste.
We've got fresh salmon, burnt broccoli casserole, shepard's pie and my favorite: pan-seard bottom round steak.
All of these culinary creations by our in-house, quarantined chef.
Inspiring to see a master at his craft at work.
Now in order to get approval, the EPA has mandated me to inform you that
due to the radiation levels of New Vegas some of the food may contain a small amount of the following:
Anthrax, botulism, brainerd diarrhea.... Kardashians ... e-coli, viral..victor.. Rat fever! You're wrong!
No, don't worry about that stuff! The proof of the pudding is in the eating and the food here is excellent!
Just ask Teller.
Now once you go to the buffet, don't forget to swing by the Margerita bar for your complimentary glass of Montezuma's revenge
served lukewarm in this neat collector's glass that you get to keep.
Yes, at the New Vegas buffet, eat fast while you still have all your appetite.
Approved!