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[MODEM NOISE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHANE SMITH: When I was a kid, I always want to take the
Trans-Siberian because it seemed so far away, and
romantic, and freaky.
I imagined Tartars and Mongolians cooking in their
cabins and trading with Turkmen and Uyghurs for rare
and delicate silks.
But instead what I got was trees, lots of trees,
interspersed with rotten industrial wastelands and
peppered with some failed Stalinist industry--
and then, of course, more and more trees.
It ended up being stultifyingly boring.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I guess this is pretty romantic.
She's nice.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: She's got some cucumbers.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: OK.
GENNADY YUSHA: My friend.
SHANE SMITH: We're in [INAUDIBLE]
in the middle of *** nowhere.
We've been on the train for about 12 hours.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[LAUGH]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON: OK.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: OK.
GENNADY YUSHA: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: This is where we've been staying for the
past day and a half.
It's very smelly.
Now the problem with these impossibly long distances in
Siberia is that there's nothing to do on
the train but drink.
But your sleeping compartment is so *** hot that you
have to drink in the dining car.
This dining car-- this was how the dining cars were in the
'50s, and '30s, and '40s on the Trans-Siberian Express.
It's pretty great.
First of all, you come into the oasis.
You've got some 3D, holographic unicorns.
We've got a rearing stallion--
quite virile.
And over here you're got ***.
This is just ***, basically.
Here we've got our lady--
hello, can we look at your thing?
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: OK.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Hi America.
SHANE SMITH: And over here it's a very important dials.
This guy here likes to drink with us.
He's a good vibe.
Look who's come?
We're in luck.
This is our translator.
He was born here in Russia.
They lived in North Korea until his mom
said, this is terrible--
came back to Russia.
He's been living in Russia ever since.
He's going to translate for us.
And then hopefully we'll get it all right.
Now I love the dining cars on the Trans-Siberian.
The only problem is that there's Russians there getting
drunk as well.
Oh ***.
Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Hello.
SHANE SMITH: How are you?
Are you OK?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: This guy's buddy just got arrested by the cops
for smashing some *** up.
They're very drunk.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: --as opposed to us.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Now we've got crazy dude here.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: That's for you, here.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [LAUGH]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: It's a very good thing I've taken a Xanax.
Otherwise I'd be a bit worried about our 17-year-old friend.
Cheers.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: The interim between sort of mildly,
friendly drunk and psychopathically
pull-your-eyeball-out drunk--
there's this sort of level of, like, I hate your ***
guts, no, you're OK, we're buddies, were
buddies, were buddies--
I want to kill you.
So you've got to stay somewhere in this gauge.
Do they think that you're a bit of a *** for not being a
Russian tough guy?
SIMON OSTROVSKY: They hate me, essentially.
SHANE SMITH: [LAUGH]
Oh ***.
We're in the tunnels.
I'm tickling the birdie.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: No, you can't touch me there for a dollar.
SHANE SMITH: Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Vice, Vice.
SHANE SMITH: Vice.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: He wants to trade your ring for something.
SHANE SMITH: No.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: That's my marriage-- my wife.
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: He doesn't remember which of his hands is
the left or the right.
SHANE SMITH: I like our Korean guy.
As all this madness is going on--
chaos, and everyone is drunk.
And I look over at our Korean guy just sort of serenely
eating his mayonnaise.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON: People are turning into animals.
SHANE SMITH: Things are devolving.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Everyone's up in everybody's ***.
And you're like, I got an idea.
We're having a few drinks.
And meanwhile you've got these *** thugs here with their
prison *** hand tattoos.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: [LAUGH]
SHANE SMITH: [LAUGH]
MALE SPEAKER 2: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Oh for ***'s sake.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: How about everyone chill out, and we'll
have a nice drink and look at the countryside.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Is that too much to ask?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Can we not have some sanity?
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Hello.
MALE SPEAKER 1: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
SHANE SMITH: Here come the cops.
Let's see if the 14-year-old, five-foot-tall cop is going to
get rid of the drunk guy.
Being totally wasted is so prevalent that they have
special *** police whose only job it is to throw drunks
off at the nearest station if they get too
blind drunk or ***-y.
[TRAIN BRAKES]
SIMON OSTROVSKY: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
MALE SPEAKER 3: [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]