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(RED DWARF THEME)
Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Its crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive,
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat.
Message ends.
Additional. Supplies are plentiful.
We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years,
although we have run out of Shake n' Vac.
Additional additional.
Last week we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere.
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
We're grooving tonight. Ahead, groove factor five. Yeah!
Hang on, everybody. Hang on!
(MUSIC STOPS)
The sausages are done.
It's the business, innit?
It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your cables.
(SLURRING) I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink
and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least...
-Oh, yeah? Why are you dancing, then? -Ha! You call that dancing?
I've seen people on fire move better than that!
We'd better be going. The moons will be setting in a bit.
Well, okay, then, a toast.
Gentlemen and skutters, we are gathered here today
to celebrate the anniversary of Mr Arnold Rimmer's death.
(BURPS) Right on, baby!
And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake.
-What's that, then? -It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly.
-'Cause he was a technician. -Well, that's very apt, that is.
If he'd been a postman,
you would have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose.
Yeah!
Gordon Bennett. He's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.
To me!
ALL: # Happy deathday to you # Happy deathday to me
# Happy deathday to you # Happy deathday to me
# Happy deathday, dear Rimmer # Happy deathday, dear me
# Happy deathday to you # # Happy deathday to me #
(LISTER GARGLING)
(PUNCHING BUTTONS)
ALL: # Show me the way to go home
# I'm tired and I want to go to bed #
RIMMER: Are you sure you're all right to drive?
LISTER: Yes.
ALL: # I had a little drink about an hour ago
# To celebrate Rimmer's death #
What time is it?
Saturday.
Is that the best you can do?
There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything.
Do you know what I fancy right now?
A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
No.
I want a triple fried egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney.
Me, too.
Well, no problem, then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy.
-Correct. -Hol?
Hol.
Hol, give us something to eat.
You what? I'm jiggered, man.
-Oh, come on. You don't sleep. -Course I do.
I've got to offline.
I can't keep up my full-tilt, full-power, red-hot maximum pace all the time.
I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?
I want a triple fried egg sandwich with...
With chilli sauce and chutney.
-You what? -It's a state of the art sarnie.
It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
All right. Okay.
Trust me.
I feel like I'm having a baby!
It's good, innit?
It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe from?
I can't remember.
I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
It's well naughty.
The trouble is, you've got to eat it before the bread dissolves.
I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister.
You see, all the ingredients are wrong.
The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong.
The chilli sauce, all wrong.
But put them together,
and somehow, it works.
It becomes right.
It's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you.
-What are you saying to me, Rimmer? -You're wrong, right?
All your ingredients are wrong.
You're ***. You've got no sense of discipline.
You're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people.
But people like you. Don't you see?
That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich. Now, me...
Now me, all the ingredients are right.
I'm disciplined. I'm organised. I'm dedicated to my career.
I've always got a pen.
Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot,
and that's only because we haven't got one.
Why? Why is that?
I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead.
But I'm not! I'm a nice guy. I'm a goodie.
No, but you see, the trouble is, you've never got time for people.
You're too busy trying to be successful.
It's all midnight revision
and, "Up, up, up the ziggernaut! Lickety-split!"
I have got time for people!
What about all the time I spent licking up to Todhunter,
even though he was a total gimp?
And Captain Hollister, Mr Fat *** 2044.
I went out of my way to simp around him.
Rimmer, that's not having time for people.
Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love?
-No. I don't want to know. -I want to tell you.
-I don't want to know! -Yeah, but I want to tell you!
-But I don't want to know. -I want to tell you.
-I am going to tell you. -Listen! Listen, Rimmer.
If you tell me, you'll wake up in the morning, you'll have your hangover,
and you'll feel like death, and you'll walk up to the mirror
and you'll look in the mirror, and you'll remember and you'll go, "Ahhh!"
See? It's not worth it. I don't want to know.
And believe me, you don't want to tell me.
-Once! -Smeg!
-One time only. -Don't tell me this, Rimmer.
You'll want to kill yourself in the morning.
Yvonne McGruder.
A single brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion.
March 16th, 7:31 P.M. to 7:43 P.M.
-Please! -Twelve minutes!
Please!
And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza.
Please, Rimmer.
In my entire life, I have spent more time being sick.
So? I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet.
No, I haven't, Lister, I haven't met the right girl.
And some just might say,
given the fact that the human race no longer exists,
coupled with the fact that I have passed on,
some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side.
Well, you made a decision, didn't you?
I mean, you chose your career over your personal life.
Yes, I did! I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there
from Mr Fried Egg Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face.
Well, I'll tell you something, Lister. I'll tell you something.
I'd trade it all in, all of it. My pips, my long service medals,
my swimming certificates, my telescope, my shoe trees.
I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved.
# I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
# Maybe I could really be good
# With someone to watch over me #
That was going to be our song,
but I never found anyone to share it with,
so now it's just my song.
-(RIMMER WHIMPERING) -Another bit of sky.
That's a star.
(RIMMER HUMMING DRUNKENLY)
(IMITATING BUGLE CALL)
(RESUMES BUGLE IMITATION)
(RESUMES BUGLE IMITATION)
Ah, me foot! I must have gone to sleep on it.
Oh, you were really putting it away last night, Lister.
You really fell for my joke, didn't you?
(GROANS) God, it's agony!
That McGruder gag. Fancy falling for that, eh?
I'll give you my telescope. Anything. Please, God, don't tell anyone.
(LISTER GROANS)
Have you done that?
When did you do that?
I didn't. I just went to bed and I've woken up with this!
-When did you finish the jigsaw? -I didn't.
Oi! Who's been messing with my star charts?
Here I am, trying to do the comprehensive,
nay, definitive A-to-Z of the entire universe,
with street names, post offices and little steeples and everything,
and some git's been fiddling with it!
It's not us.
Okay, which one of you chimpanzees did this?
Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything,
with the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond.
-Who? -Hang on. Today's Sunday, right?
-So? -Well, this clock... This clock says Thursday.
And that clock says Thursday.
And my foot says, "Get the person who did this to my foot!"
Four pages have been torn out of me diary.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Somehow, we've lost the last four days.
Did you look behind the fridge?
If you lose something, it's nearly always there.
-Aliens! -What?
What are you talking about, grease stain?
It's a well-documented phenomenon.
They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory
and put you back.
-Okay, aliens came aboard. -Without question.
-They broke my leg. -For some reason.
-They broke my leg. -Right.
-And then they did a jigsaw. -Right.
Well, that's cleared that up, then.
Look, you're not thinking alien! That's what aliens are, alien!
They do alien things, things that are...alien.
Maybe this is the way they communicate.
By breaking legs?
And doing jigsaws?
Why should they "speak" the way we do? They're aliens!
Okay, Professor, what does it mean?
RIMMER: Maybe...
Maybe... Okay.
Breaking your leg hurts like hell, okay? "Hell."
They do it below the knee. "Low."
"Hell-low." Get it?
They do it twice. Twice. "Two."
"Hell-Low Two."
And jigsaw must mean you. "Hello to you."
I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
Hang on. The black box.
Holly, the black box will have recorded everything, won't it?
Yeah. Hang on. I'll fish it out.
It's gone! It's been half-inched!
Wait a minute. Let me think about this.
It gives off a signal. We can trace it.
(METAL GRINDING)
LISTER: It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you.
Nothing yet.
This is impossible. It could be anywhere.
It's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.
-(SENSORS BEEPING) -Look! Down there, on that moon.
LISTER: Are you getting a picture now?
Yeah, but the quality's terrible.
It's like watching Spanish television.
LISTER: Oh, my God! CAT: What the hell is that? Holy...
LISTER: Smegorama!
Holly, start the engines. Warm her up. Keep her ticking over, yeah?
What is it?
LISTER: It's a footprint the size of a surfboard.
CAT: I don't believe the size of these feet.
Can you imagine the problems this guy must have
trying to get fashionable shoes?
LISTER: I wonder if it's true what they say about the size of your feet.
I mean, if it is, this guy could probably go
to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump.
I think you should come back.
LISTER: There's more of them. They lead around this corner.
So a surfboard-foot-sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw,
drained our memories and broke a couple of legs.
So what? Forgive and forget, that's what I say.
LISTER: This I don't believe!
It's a gravestone!
"To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates."
Who's Lise Yates?
LISTER: You're not going to believe this,
but I used to go out with a girl called Lise Yates.
It's only shallow. The black box is buried in the grave.
(BEEPING)
Right, it's loaded.
(IMITATING HUMPHREY BOGART) Well, play it, Sam.
(RAPID BEEPING)
Nice-looking bloke.
I don't know if anyone will ever find this,
but if they do and it's you, Dave, or you, Arnold, don't ever play it.
Some things are best left buried.
-Why have you frozen him, Hol? -You heard what he said.
Knows what he's talking about, that dude.
Come on, Holly. From Saturday night.
RIMMER: Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love?
Yes, we all remember this bit. Spin on! Spin on! Spin on!
(MOUTHING)
That many?
LISTER: Another bit of sky. A star...
(RIMMER HUMMING DRUNKENLY)
This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my third-favourite thing.
Come and wake me up this time of night!
What is this place?
LISTER: It's the Hologram Simulation Suite.
This is the room that creates Rimmer.
Have we come to blow this room up?
Look, those are all his dreams and everything there.
Look. That's what he's dreaming right at the moment.
# Maybe I could really be good
# With someone to watch over me #
(CHUCKLING)
I'm going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get.
-CAT: What are you doing now? -I'm recording me memory.
-Your entire memory? -Yeah, everything.
Everywhere I've been, everything I've learnt. My entire knowledge.
Right, that's it.
I'm gonna give Rimmer a love affair.
I'm gonna take eight months out of my memory
and I'm gonna paste it into his.
So everything that happened to me, he's gonna think happened to him.
You're gonna give him one of your old girlfriends?
I'm going to give him Lise Yates.
(PUNCHING KEYS)
(CAT GROWLING SOFTLY)
(LISE LAUGHING)
God, I love you, Dave. I love you so much.
LISTER: And I love you, Lise.
-A few minor adjustments. -(PUNCHING KEYS)
God, I love you, Rimmer. I love you so much.
LISTER: And I love you, Lise.
-Change the voice... -(PUNCHING KEYS)
God, I love you, Rimmer. I love you so much.
RIMMER: And I love you, Lise.
And that's it.
And when he wakes up, he'll think all this happened to him?
Yeah, the whole eight months.
Man, that's a fine present.
He was probably only expecting a tie.
Mmm!
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)
You're in a good mood.
-(MUSIC STOPS) -RIMMER: Ah!
Why not, Listy, when life's so good?
Why is life so good?
You wouldn't understand, Lister. You've never been in love.
I have!
Oh, not real love, Lister. Not like I have.
Not fireworks in the sky, From Here to Eternity
rolling-naked-on-the-beach kind of love.
Not like me and Lise.
So who's Lise?
Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about me.
That's all you need to know.
Fine. If you wanna keep it to yourself.
All I'm saying is, from now on, call me Tiger.
(MIMICS TIGER SNARLING)
An old girlfriend, was she, Tiger?
Oh! What a crazy, crazy year that was.
The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech
doing a maintenance course.
Then, for absolutely no reason, I suddenly moved to Liverpool.
I drank too much. I smoked too much. I became a total slob.
I met Lise, of course. (SNAPS FINGERS)
I even started to eat my own toenail clippings.
(SPITS)
My taste in music radically changed.
I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly ***. Crazy.
Well, you know, you're in love, you go a bit crazy.
It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her,
but yet I started to treat her really badly.
No, you didn't!
I did! I started to give her some wishy-washy twaddle
about not wanting to get tied down.
But you were young. You didn't want to settle down.
You wanted to bum around and have a laugh.
But I hate bumming around and having a laugh.
But that's what you're like when you're young.
But I wasn't like that when I was young. So why did I say those things?
I mean, she wanted you to have a career!
That's what I'd always dreamt of!
So why did I finish it with her?
Because... You wanted to play the field.
(SNAPS FINGERS) That's right! I told her I wanted to play the field.
I told her that? I must have been mad.
She was great, and she thought I was great.
Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad.
-She was a lover and a friend. -And beautiful.
-Gorgeous. -Great sense of humour.
-Terrific. -The sex was fantastic.
-Amazing sex. -It was brilliant sex.
-Oh, primo, dynamite sex! -Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex!
-Lister? -The way she used to...
-Lister? -Oh, the sex! Brilliant sex!
-Lister! Lister, how do you know? -I'm just having a guess.
RIMMER: Kindly don't.
No one will ever know how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates was.
How could you do this to me?
It's the most heartbreakingly tragic thing
that's ever been my misfortune to witness.
Popcorn?
Look, I'm sorry, man.
I mean, obviously, I thought I was doing you a favour.
What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs
and Godzilla-sized footprints, eh?
-Right, smegbrain, prepare to die. -Eh?
-I found the letters. -What letters?
Don't give me, "What letters?" The letters.
-What letters? -You went out with Lise Yates, too.
I found the letters she sent you.
(SIGHING) Oh, smeg.
All the time she was going out with me, she must've been seeing you as well.
Behind my back.
And what is more, to pour salt into the wound,
you used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her
and do the exact same things.
Rimmer, it's not what it looks like.
That woman is unbelievable.
We spent a night in a hotel in Southport and made love six times.
According to her letter, you were in the exact same hotel
and you made love six times, too.
-Listen... -Twelve times a night?
What is wrong with the woman? She's sex-mad!
-Listen! -It's a good job you were there.
If I'd been there on my own, I'd have been dead within a week.
But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me.
Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time.
Come on, I've checked the dates.
She wasn't going out with you at all.
She...
She didn't go out with me at all?
No, you've never even met her.
Is that the best you can do, Lister? That's below feeble.
I went down to the Hologram Simulation Suite
and I gave you eight months of my memory.
-What? -It was a present.
You gave me eight months of your memory as a present?
Yeah.
That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive.
That's why I had my appendix out twice.
I thought it was what you needed.
You've destroyed me, Lister.
The woman I love most in the whole world
didn't love me,
she loved you.
Rimmer, listen... Rimmer, listen... Rimmer!
Smeg!
You should have bought him a tie.
Come on, Rimmer. You've experienced love.
It made you more confident, more secure.
-It didn't happen. I never even met her. -It did happen!
I mean, you fell in love with her in a way I never did.
She's yours now. Nothing can take that away from you.
That time she stuck her tongue down my ear.
It wasn't my ear at all, it was your ear.
The woman I love most in the whole world
had her tongue down your ear.
The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's Baby Bud.
Come on, as far as you're concerned,
you had a love affair, right? Which was wonderful, yeah?
And for some reason that you can't understand,
it all went hideously wrong.
Well, so what? Join the club, bucko.
It's just you, me, and everyone else in the world.
I don't want to feel like this any more.
So you're in pain, yeah?
But, Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling,
if you go through life never experiencing,
you're no better than a jellyfish, no better than a bank manager.
I don't want this feeling any more. I want my own memory back.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'll erase the last four days. Lise Yates will never have happened.
But you'll know about it!
Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday, too.
-And the Cat's and Holly's. -Fine, if they agree.
What about the black box?
-I'll destroy it. -It's indestructible!
-Okay, I'll shoot it off into space. -Someone might find it!
Okay, okay, we'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet, yeah?
LISTER: I'm going to drop it! I'm going to drop it!
Put it down, man! Put it down!
CAT: Why does he want a gravestone?
LISTER: He said he just wanted something somewhere, you know.
So it didn't, like, disappear.
(GRUNTING)
BOTH: Ahhh!
LISTER: Me foot! I've broken me foot! It's broken!
CAT: Help me find my toes!
Okay, that's it.
Let's go and erase our memories.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #