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[whoosh as transport ship flies by]
ROOKIE Look sir, droids!
CAPTAIN [sigh] . . .
CAPTAIN . . . that's a ring.
GOSSIPER Uh-oh, is the new guy talking again?
CAPTAIN [chuckle] Oh, yeah. Born yesterday, first day in space . . . "Ooh, I found a circle, guys."
GOSSIPER [chuckle] Wow, that's great. I'm gonna go tell everybody.
ARTHUR *** [chuckle]
ARTHUR *** [chuckle] . . . and that's why I'll never eat those again.
ARTHUR *** In other news, the police received another threat from Bane.
[audio playback of Bane's threat]
BANE [muffled & unintelligible] mmmfhhhfhfjjppf . . . jwwwhsmbbbbpmfff . . . mnnnnnxxsmlmmpppffff
OFF-CAMERA NEWS PRODUCER We don't know what it means.
ARTHUR *** Yeah, that's what I got, too.
ARTHUR *** Anyway, on the lighter side, the Gotham Rogues have a game this weekend. Their team has been explosive this year.
ARTHUR *** And now, we go to Selina with the weather. What have you got for us, Miss Kyle?
SELINA KYLE [whispering viciously] There's a storm coming, Mr. ***.
ARTHUR *** Wow, sounds like a doozy. Any advice for the local boating community?
ARTHUR *** My friends and I have boats . . . with hatches.
SELINA KYLE [whispering viciously] You and your friends had better batten down the hatches.
ARTHUR *** Heh . . . faaaaantastic.
YASHIDA I have a dying request of you, Logan-san.
WOLVERINE Get to the point, old man.
YASHIDA Of course.
WOLVERINE I'm guessing you want my healing factor . . . ?
JAR JAR On da behalf of dis-a planet——
THE BORG [in unison] We are The Borg.
JAR JAR Mees-a Jar Jar B—
THE BORG We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. You will be assimilated.
JAR JAR How wuuuude! Blerg-uh-buh-buh-buh-bffffffft!
THE BORG Resistance is fu—
JAR JAR Blerg-uh-buh-buh-buh-bfffft!
THE BORG . . . tile.
THE BORG Never mind.
[creature in background farts & plops some turds]
[chanting]
BRUCE What are they saying?
WISE GUY They're not saying anything. That's Hans Zimmer's score.
BRUCE No, really. I have a feeling it might be something . . . special.
WISE GUY Yes. It means . . . that your Batman voice sucks.
BRUCE: C'mon, it's not that bad. WISE GUY: Oh, yes it is.
BRUCE: It's supposed to strike fear into my enemies. I have to disguise my voice. WISE GUY: No, no, no . . . no.
WISE GUY You sound like Slipknot with a cold.
BRUCE: What the hell are they saying?! WISE GUY: That you can save 50% or more on your car insurance by switching to Geico. BRUCE: I'm trying to have a moment, here.
WISE GUY Rise. They're saying "rise."
BRUCE Oh. Well, that makes sense. Now I can climb out of here.
WISE GUY Did you pack a lunch?
BRUCE Yeah.
[Mario Bros. theme music]
Oof!
[thud]
Wooaaaaaaaah! . . . [CRASH!]
[explosions, sounds of destruction, whirring robotics]
[panting]
[slurping, slobbering, gratuitous moaning]
PEPPER I have blood in my hair.
TONY I see that. Great work, sweetie.
PEPPER: I never knew I had it in me. TONY: Well, you didn't . . . you took an Extremis dose.
PEPPER: Tony, let me have this. TONY: Okay. And more . . . I have a little present for you. Christmas came early.
PEPPER Oh! You're gonna destroy all your suits!? That's so romantic!
TONY: What?! PEPPER: Your suits. You're gonna blow up—
TONY: What the hell?! Why would I do that? PEPPER: Babe, you—
TONY: That doesn't make any sense. PEPPER: I think it's a gesture in the right direction. Showing you're going to be less obsessed . . .
TONY By destroying ten years' worth of work? Were you here for Loki?
PEPPER: O-of course— TONY: Wow. I know you're dating a rich guy, but asking for a bonfire of a trillion dollars as a valentine is sick.
PEPPER: Well, uh— TONY: We're in a recession! PEPPER: Well, Tony— TONY: That could go to charity!
PEPPER Tony! . . . [sniffle] . . . I'm sorry . . .
TONY Yeah. Yeah, you are.
TONY Here. This is better anyways.
PEPPER [sigh] . . . Tony . . .
[wind whipping & metal claws clanking]
WOLVERINE: Grrrrrr . . . YAKUZA THUG: Grrrrrr . . . WOLVERINE: Haaaaaaaaaa! YAKUZA THUG: Huuuuuuuuah!
[GODZILLA roars]
[loud knocking]
Trick or treat? Oh, I see the entire family is home . . . how nice.
You can all share in my most generous presentation concerning the true depths of fear—
Tootsie Roll. How cheap.
PRINCESS Aren't you a little old for this?
[children screaming & Scarecrow laughing]
Harrumph!
I'm Scrooge McDuck . . .
I'm rich, ***.
Whoopee! Yay! Woo-hoo!
[roar, chomp, growl]
Oops, I'm sorry . . .
[coins clinking]
Ooo . . . oooooo. . . ooooh . . . ?
[whoosh of Kirby's "vacuum"]
Hmmuhhhh . . .
PTOOOOOEY!
AAAAAAACK!
BLECHHHHHHHH!
PHHHHHHTTTTT!
YECHHHHHHHH!
GAAAAAAAAAAK!
[gag, cough]
Ughhhhhhhh . . .
[space cantina jam music]
[murmuring in alien language]
WUHER: We don't serve their kind here. LUKE: I'm sorry?
WUHER: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside. LUKE: Discrimination says what?
WUHER: What? LUKE: I'm sorry? WUHER: No droids!
[shocked silence]
LUKE [gasp of dread]
[weapons arming with beeps & bwoops, powering up of lasers]
[a glass breaks]
WUHER I think I'm gonna change my policy.
DR. EVAZAN I don't like you, either.
[glug, glug, glug]
Aaaaahhhhhh . . .
Oh, ***!
[sounds of destruction]
ZOD Aaaaaaarg! I'm gonna kill everybody! Like . . . EVERYBODY! Grrrrrrrrr!
SUPERMAN Huuuuuuaaah! Uh-oooooooh . . .
SUPERMAN Huh, that wasn't so bad. In fact, that was pretty easy . . .
[whooooooosh]
SUPERMAN Huuaaaaah!
SUPERMAN: Huuaaaaah! FANGIRLS: Waaaaaaaaaah!
[sounds of various necks being broken]
[noisy chewing]
BATMAN: Kent. SUPERMAN: Huh?
BATMAN: You've gone too far. SUPERMAN: Yeah. Nobody can stop me.
BATMAN Seems that way, doesn't it? Here, check this out . . .
SUPERMAN [gasp]
KERRRRAAAAACK!