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Every morning, Rat and I have the same breakfast ritual at home:
a coffee and a morning joint to start the day off with high expectations,
...and every morning goes the same.
This is a hell of a breakfast, uh?
The only thing missing is a chick giving head to us.
And every morning, Rat comes up with a big revolutionary idea...
or a perfect and exclusive deal that usually lasts no longer than the coffee.
Inventing an online series, I mean a series for guys like us.
A... fusion flamenco... group, see?
A brand new sport for fat kids. The name could be "pinfuvote".
A metallic tampax, like a vacuum cleaner for the classic...
"I can't, I have the period." ***... What a butt, right?
Dude, we could be superheroes, but you'd get to be Robin.
A joint-rolling robot, you know? And the robot rolls them itself!
That morning, something he said got me into changing my life for the best.
Dude, we could create a soccer team, well, to play seven-a-side.
Plus the hood tournament is coming and sorry, but I'm the ***!
I was about to sign for Cádiz CF, but I stayed because my break clause was high.
I realized it was about time I started off a healthy life.
I had to take care of my health for the first time in my life.
Like Finidi, hell yeah, like Finidi.
That's a *** great idea.
Really?
Thank God I have got a trainer.
Who?
Episode 2x04 "Mala vida sana" Kaki? Really?
He's awesome, such a rat ***. He can give 500 little kicks at least.
Plus that guy runs like hell, dude.
He can dribble, do a rabona...
***, Kaki, that was *** awesome.
Shut the *** up, balleaters! I'm all old-school.
I've played on burning sand, barefoot and with a soaked Mikasa ball.
Thanks to that I know what it takes to be a player.
Get up, you ***! Where are your balls? In your mom's fridge?
Get up and bust your balls as if you were an angry wild boar!
Son of a ***! You ***!
There you go, little fella, you are now an authentic wild pig.
Kaki, you ***! You haven't said a word in 20 minutes!
That was the hell of a drama break you've taken, dude.
Scab passed out and I had enough time to roll one with my silly hand.
Forgive me, I had one of those flashbacks.
A'right, there are two players missing, right?
To play seven-a-side you need seven players, you're missing two.
We can look for every soccer star in the hood, shall we?
But I can't, I have to go to the dentist today and I'm running late.
Hey, ***! See you at six at the pitch behind my house, ok?
And don't be late!
Or you'll sit on the bench!
*** outsider...
First step: Fixing my mouth.
Last time I went to the dentist one of my baby tooth was loose.
Jesus Blanco?
It had been so long that I even had got used to the toothache.
There are two very specific types of doctor:
The ones that care less than they should...
Alright... fair enough then. Good... we have to remove four teeth...
...restore seven and do three root canals.
But it's ok, that's easy peasy and it'll look just fine.
...and the one I got assigned.
Oh my... goodness! What is this?
It looks like the dump mouth of a 60-year-old ***.
Don't look! Don't look! Don't look, please!
***, boy, look at this mouth, it's disgusting, dude.
I've been to Morocco... Calm down... I've been to Morocco...
...people chewing coca, junkies.
In my whole life, dude! I'd never seen a mouth like this in my whole life!
I've been working for 30 years, dude. In my whole life.
You should be ashamed of yourself... ***...
Drama queen... I wonder what'd happen if he saw Scab's or Mateo's mouth.
Get out of here, damn it! Come on! Fast! Get out of the building! Go!
Second step: Doing sport
Too bad football in particular has never been my strong point.
Alberto
I was always the one who misses the goal even when it's impossible...
...the unskilled one, the one not to pass the ball to...
...the one no one wanted for their team.
Jesus.
But, dude! I'm superfast!
And I'm 15 years older than you all!
Kaki! Look, hear me out...
Kaki niente! Call me Sir!
Really?
Absolutely!
Ok, Sir. You know this hood is to Seville what a shanty is to Brasil, right?
And it's here where the good players are trained.
Let me introduce you to Los Banderilleros FC:
Well, there's tha Alfalfa Juan. Raised by Tibetan monks...
...he perfectly combines football and kung fu.
Tha Whitetrash... well... Piruco.
If there's no anti-doping check, he's our guy.
Tha Muerto. He's lame, ok? But he does the "laminha" and that's unstoppable.
And of course, the four of us. Now we are seven.
You know what this team's gonna eat?
The world.
A ***! This ***!
Damn he can draw!
It has a lot of details.
It's a big D.
Well, yes, I like details, shadows...
But listen to this! You must feel lucky that I'm free in the afternoon, uh?
To be honest, you all play like ***.
A real ***, a big, smelly ***, uh?
A ***? Look at this, you're gonna witness Zidane's control. Pass it, Juan.
I didn't control it, ok? That was a shot on target.
That's what I thought, Lefty. You're the goalkeeper, ***.
And mind the posts, they are hard, ok?
Pass it!
Son of a ***... I want that junkie for my team.
But... all showered off, ok?
Guys, enough with the nonsense and start training.
Ten times around the pitch. I'm going to make a "Dream Team" out of you.
We started training all together.
A fully focused team ready to be big.
A team from which...
...you would only...
...made a lung and a half out of ours.
Right after the first 18 metres I came up with a new step.
Third step: Quit smoking...
...cigarettes, of course.
In any case not many years away from now, if law stays the same...
...smoking will be a crime as severe as terrorism.
No mercy.
Son of a ***, you'll pay your fine to death!
A big doubt floods my heart and soul, I cannot relieve myself.
Lefty, how come you not wearing a soccer jersey, dude?
Your cousin? Where is your cousin? Why isn't he coming?
My cousin, man... My cousin doesn't get soccer, he stayed in.
God damn it! .
Enough with the jokes already! .
I *** hate it, ***!
I *** hate it!
Hello.
Hello, sir. How are you?
My name is Antonio Manuel...
...but the thing is that...
...my cousin Raul sometimes calls me Becerra.
Lads, break's up.
I know it's hard, but even out of *** it is possible to build up a figurine.
You have to be wild boars! Angry wild boars!
Wild boars?
And you, junkie, don't you *** run or what?
Hey you can't do that!
C'mon, c'mon!
Like that! Hit it hard!
Stop him! Stop him! Do you even use your elbows, Scab?
Ok, guys, things are starting to look better, right?
There are only four little things...
You, Lefty, I think it's about *** time you learn how to tie your shoes..
...and learn how to fall to the ground, you have a lifelong experience.
Esparto, who the hell you think you are, Chuck Norris?
Muerto! Do never run up the sideline again 'coz it takes you 10 minutes to get back.
Scab... if you have to puke, do it beyond the lime line, for ***'s sake!
And get your *** off the bench!
Rat! The only thing you can do is hogging the ball, you big, fat hog.
I cannot say another word to this hippie and this whitetrash...
...they are trying to do their best.
And you ***, my pal, you stay sit on the bench with me, right here beside me.
There's still a lot of work to do, but when you are through...
The first match is tomorrow already.
Well, I hope we'll play against the 'Boy Scouts'.
C'mon, lads! Just 10 times around the pitch and everyone can go home!
***! What are you doing? 10 times I said, you lazy ***.
Don't forget to bring your black jerseys tomorrow...
I'd double-hammer his head, like with chickens...
Forth step: Improving my looks.
Appearing to be a formal guy, a worker you can trust...
...a boyfriend you can introduce to your mother...
...an unsuspicious citizen, a...
Wait a sec!
That was way too much.
I wasn't ready yet.
Go! Go this hood! Olé! Goal!
What a goal, dude!
Go this hood! Fight hard, c'mon!
Goal! C'mon!
- Hey, how you hangin', skinny? - Hey.
- You have maybe a buck there for me? - Yea, sure... For you...
C'mon! For a cool beer or sumthin'...
Leave me alone, won't you?
Use your body, you ***!
- What up, Kaki? - T'sup, ***?
Don't warm up yet, sit down.
Look... We play against 'Boy Scouts', don't we?
C'mon boys, c'mon! Go for it! We can make it!
I don't know if we may call it luck.
Yo, Callejero-sider, pass me the Jabulani, won't you, buddy?
Boys... as usual, play all diddly-cleany doodly-organised. And as I always say...
...no matter if we win or lose, enjoying is the beauty of it. So go enjoy, boys!
Ok, guys, the moment has come. I don't care how you do it...
...by punching, kicking, pushing, nipping... I don't care...
...but we have to win, is that clear? Now c'mon! Victory time! Go, go, go!
Good luck!
Good luck, you say you ***? Go sit on your bench, you buttface!
Go kill bears in Switzerland with a knife or go draw with macaroni!
To the enemy not even water!
Muerto, get up!
Scab, pressure, pressure!
Go back, go back!
Goal! Goal!
Lefty!
Goal! Beautiful! Great!
Oh, aren't you sweet...
Aim the ankle, aim the ankle!
Goal, goal, goal! Oh, thank God!
What's the story in here?
Dude, he tripped me!
What the *** you talkin' 'bout, you big ***?
And how the hell have I done it if I go in a wheelchair? Can you believe it?
*** my life, I wish you were in my situation someday...
Exactly, you sons of ***! You rat ***!
I'm truly sorry... dude, Rafa... what the *** were you thinking!
We can't lose the smile... God's watching us... so go!
Penalty! He just threw himself on purpose!
I'mma shatter you, big ***!
Step on his head, you ***!
***, I think your time's come.
Say what? Kaki, even Scab can do more than me on the pitch and he's asleep.
I trust you.
Liar.
True that, but anyway... go in and try breaking a fibula, a chinbone or whatever, ok?
I'm not afraid, you guys, this bloke has never scored a penalty.
Hear me out! I'mma score you not one, nor two, nor three, but three goals, pal.
YEAH! C'MON!
There are times when planets allign capriciously...
...and things happen, things that pedophiles call a miracle.
***! FREE WEED!
(GOAL!)
Long live our manager!
Hey! It's been just 20 minutes of the first half! Hey!
Such hippies...
The goal Nono scored is as important as a hat-trick...
- Hey, ***, why don't you start celebrating, I'm going to my sister's, dude. - Why?
She is dating a new guy and I'm going to test that son of a ***.
Who's banging your sister...
- Hey, would you sucker just zip it? - Ok, good luck. And you're wearing your tee inside-out.
See you, top scorer!
Why the hell are you celebrating even when you lost? You dummies...
Learning requires being defeated.
Exactly, shut up, Ivan de la Peña. And this one is on Kaki.
Guys listen to me, please. I'm very proud of the team and...
...I've brought a little surprise for you... *** awesome, uh?
Well, we won't be using it till next season, but still...
What you saying, buddy? We could go train all classy, am I right?
Word... give it to me, man... From now on we are gonna train hard...
...we are gonna win every match and we are gonna kiss this crest!
(YEAH!)
Colina, yet another round!
Do you remember when I scored that hell of a goal?
I dedicated it to you...
That was the last day we ever touched a football...
...but even today people talk about that match in the park. As Muerto'd say...
...no one will take the fun away from us.
It was a great night. Not so far away, Lefty was having a different night.
The beginning of something important.
Well, I work stacking shelves in a supermarket
It's far away from the hood, but... I mean... it fits me.
The truth is my son's a good boy, uh? I can tell because I know him, isn't it, Raul?
Yes.
So then... you have no idea how glad I am my moonpie has got such a formal brother.
Me too, me too, me too...
Ok, Raul, I think we are gonna hit it off, you and I.
I hope so, I hope so, sweetie.