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Previously on Weeds:
This is your new job.
It's a maternity store. This is the back room.
MAN [IN SPANISH]:
[♪♪♪]
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
You must be punished.
NANCY: He's the mayor?
Yes.
Mom?
ISABELLE: Mostly Xanax and coke.
***? Coca?
[IN SPANISH]
At some point recently,
everything became right or wrong.
What did you do?
NANCY: Exactly.
This is supposed to be a pot tunnel.
GUILLERMO: No magical "weed only" sign at the entrance.
Captain Till, there's a tunnel.
You make a bust, you get Guillermo
and it never comes back to me.
I'm Harmony.
Yeah.
Head cheese sandwich, please.
I'm not giving weed to my little brother.
I'm not in love.
I gotta go. ***'s blowing up.
I used to have ***. Used to blow up all the time.
Now nothing.
Legendary.
I am the only one here that has any chance to make amends.
I don't know where Quinn is.
She's living in Mohawka with Rodolfo.
I'm just so glad that you came here to see me
so that I can tie you up and lock you in a room
until I sell your *** back into suburban slavery.
You *** ***.
Tell Daddy Dean I want 200,000.
Who's Guillermo's boss? Who owns the *** colonel?
I don't know.
Has to be tonight?
I can drive myself.
WOMAN: Terrifically Gift Baskets.
I need to get a birthday gift
for my 18 year-old. Can you help me?
I'm thinking of buying some land.
Little farm where I can grow pot.
You want a partner?
What would you like the card to say?
"Silas, you are loved." And add the butter cookies.
I do love you.
It's too late.
NANCY: Feels like a boy.
[IN SPANISH]
It feels like a boy.
Anyone else know about the situation?
Okay.
Send some flowers to the families and, uh, buy a new rug.
Um...
You should go home now.
Cesar will take you home.
No, that's okay. I have my car. I can drive myself.
Cesar will drive you home in your car, then.
No. He must have a lot on his mind.
The sudden death of two work friends.
He should take some time to process.
I don't need to process.
Oh.
If you're gonna kill me, please do it fast.
Like with these guys.
Not the whole, "oh, let's go for a drive,
and then we'll pull over and I'll shoot you."
Nancy.
Go home.
Yes.
I will be in touch.
There's another door.
Oh, right. The other door. Okay.
Oh, yes.
Okay.
Bye, then.
This is a beautiful card.
Here. Take it.
Think I'm gonna pass. Beauty is subjective.
However, this is gorgeous.
[PHONE RINGING]
Is this Dean Hodes?
Mr. Dean Hodes?
What?
*** bugs.
Please be quiet while I'm on the phone.
DEAN: Hello?
I have your wife.
Celia.
I have your wife, Celia.
Now, you listen to me.
You send me money.
Uh, yeah, she's no longer my wife. We're divorced.
Then I will kill her.
You hear me? If you do not pay, she dies.
Dad, I'm throwing a six.
Uh, yeah, listen, I'm broke and she's my ex
so you do what you gotta do, okay?
Are you not listening to me?
I will kill her! I slit her neck.
I smash her head!
All right, thanks for calling. Knock yourself out. Bye-bye.
Hello?
Well, that...
is the one. Gin.
He hung up.
He probably couldn't understand you with your lame accent.
No, he understood me.
Who was on the phone?
Seriously?
Who knows. Another game?
Sure.
We are fighting for the souls of workers everywhere.
And if we do not--
[YELLS]
Get me my money.
[GRUNTS]
Jesus...
what the hell is going on here?
So we pick up some Mexican farmland on the cheap
and make a go of it.
This cookie is amazing.
It's so simple and yet so delicious.
That's a terrible plan.
The soil in Mexico is full of paraquat
and Mexican sewer poop.
No one's gonna wanna buy that.
The hassle of getting across the border,
and do you guys even speak Spanish?
What are the marks on your neck?
Nice.
Hey, stoners. Mom ever come back?
Yeah. Simone and Harmony did it.
And check it out.
***. Seriously?
***.
DOUG: You guys ought to grow in a national park.
The cool kids are doing it now. And it's free, like the eagle.
Gift with purchase.
The Nelson Mandela.
Is there a national park around here?
There's Cleveland National Forest.
We're not in Ohio, little man. Are you on drugs?
It's in San Diego County.
We should grow in Cincinnati National Forest, Silas.
Cleveland. Pittsburgh.
You're obsessed with the rust belt. What is that?
If Mom doesn't come home, I call her bedroom.
*** that. I'm older. I get the room.
You vultures. If Nancy doesn't come back,
we shroud the room in clear plastic
and nothing's touched. You hear me?
You touch nothing in there, animals.
Best two out of three. Go.
One, two, three.
Oh, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm back.
Yeah.
What's wrong with your neck?
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGING]
RODOLFO: I have your friend.
What? Who is this? What friend?
Your friend, Celia.
I have her, and you pay me money or she dies.
Celia Hodes.
I have kidnapped her and today I chop off her ear.
What?
You send me $40,000 or I'll do it.
[GROANS]
It's too early for this. We're really not friends.
Okay, 30 thous--
Hey, you up? You awake?
Andy, I need to sleep.
Nance, I got a plan.
That's nice.
We should flee.
That's my plan. Fleeing.
Why not?
It's the Mexican mafia. There's nowhere to go.
Yeah. What are you gonna do?
Sit around, wait for 'em to kill us? You?
You and--? You and us?
It's only a matter of time, Nance.
You finked and they know it, don't they?
Now they're just playing with you.
You're a cat toy and they're cats.
Mexican cats. Gatos.
[GROANS]
No.
Time to get up, because I've got a whole plan worked out.
We're going to Denmark.
The Mexican mafia is not gonna find us in Copenhagen.
Right? It's supposed to be wonderful there.
Wonderful, wonderful.
And I love you.
Andy.
I'm pregnant.
I need to sleep.
You're-- Wow, that's...
[CHUCKLES]
Andy? Wait. What?
But--
Sh. Talk to you later.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[PHONE RINGING]
CESAR: Nancy.
I'm giving you an address.
You will be there at 2 p.m.
[♪♪♪]
Did you get to the *** *** scene yet?
Don't worry, there's two.
I don't think I'm gonna finish this.
Hello, Shane. Doing your reading?
Mr. Sandusky, uh, did you actually read The Kite Runner
before you assigned it?
I did. I thought you guys could handle it.
Can you handle it, Shane?
Seems you can handle a lot. You're such a multitasker.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Sure you do.
No. I don't.
Shane, I have 23 papers to grade tonight.
They're all on Anne Frank.
Do you know how depressing that is?
You pick really sad books.
Which is why I need some pot.
Plus, you people can't write for ***. That's even sadder.
Shouldn't that be "more sad?"
Tell me, smartass,
if I were to confiscate your bag right now
and go through it with Principal Rowen, what would we find?
A cure for depression?
He always wore wife beaters or tank tops.
He had a beard.
I like guys with beards.
You saw no one else?
The entire time?
No big boss?
No. Just the cute one with the beard.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
MAN: Hey, cap. There's a guy on Line 1 calling from Mexico,
demanding to talk to you.
Trace it. Could be related.
Yeah.
Let me get this straight.
You want a ransom for Celia Hodes?
[♪♪♪]
Go *** yourself.
Cancel the trace. It's ***.
SILAS: See? Right here?
That's a six-hour hike, and there are no roads up there.
I think we should check it out.
Well, yeah, it's--
Sure.
It's gonna be a lot to carry.
We're gonna need to pack out all the plants, nutrients.
We need tubing for a water system.
[RINGTONE PLAYING]
Hello?
Who?
Celia?
That *** can lick my balls.
Tell her I said hi.
DOUG: So tubing, plants. What else?
I don't remember inviting you into this, Doug.
Come on. I'm an extra pack mule and I'm bored.
And I'm good at this.
Used to take my family camping every year.
And Andy's gone catatonic, so, you know,
at least you could chat with me.
[PHONE RINGING]
Fine. I'm doing fine.
Hello?
Yeah, I know Celia.
Well, we're all gonna die. What's it mean anyway?
Life is cheap. People die,
and people have babies.
Every day they're having babies.
What's with that, kidnapper man?
I mean, women in their 40s are having babies.
Doesn't that seem weird to you?
What? No. I'm not gonna pay the ransom.
Hello?
Rude.
Andy, who's having a baby?
And I'm in the Z's.
No one?
Do you have a Facebook page?
Maybe you have some friends there.
I don't have a Facebook page.
Clearly that would be a waste of time.
What are people saying when you call?
That the economy's bad
and you haven't talked for a while.
And many people said to say hello.
You're just trying to be nice.
Very much.
Did you put something on those scratches? Like Neosporin?
Uh. I'm okay.
No, you're not.
Why do you let her do that to you?
She's abusive.
Roberto, you do not have to take this.
Rodolfo.
And how often does she hit you, Rodolfo?
I don't know.
She doesn't mean to hurt me.
I just-- I make her so mad sometime--
What the hell is going on in here?
I'm trying to make the phone calls, Quinn.
Fine.
Then *** it. We'll kill her and sell her organs. Okay?
Let's go have sex.
[♪♪♪]
[HORNS HONKING]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hello? Can someone please tell me what's going on?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Nancy, you need to sign these forms.
What am I signing?
It's a consent for a CVS procedure.
I don't even know what that is.
I can't understand what the doctor is saying. This is--
Uh.
Forget it, I'm going home.
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Señor Gonzales?
I'm not comfortable with this. I don't know where I am.
It's like I've been sucked up into the alien craft
and I'm being probed.
Where are my clothes? Can someone please bring me--
You have no idea, do you?
This is your baby.
I totally understand if you need proof.
Why don't we make an appointment with a doctor in Ren Mar?
Someone who speaks English, actually addresses me
like I'm a human being. We'll go together.
We'll get lunch after. How about that?
How about that?
How about you're Lazarus
risen from the dead, and you will lie back,
open your legs, and show Dr. Brisa,
the doctor I've chosen,
that in your flat stomach
there is a baby
that is both male and mine.
If you want to go home
Cesar will take you.
You wanna go?
Go.
[EXHALES]
ESTEBAN: Doctor?
[MEN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
[♪♪♪]
That was humiliating.
I know. I'm sorry. I could not untie you.
You are supposed to wipe from front to back.
If I get some infection--
It wasn't exactly a thrill for me.
Just tie her back into the chair and wash your hands, Rodolfo.
Is this really necessary?
Come on, Quinn. Enough is enough.
You've proven your point.
You're angry and I have to make amends
for my many mistakes, so here is my proposal.
As we all know now, I am broke,
but that doesn't mean I can't charge on my credit card
and worry about it later
a week at a spa.
Let's just forget all this silliness
and go have rehydrating facials.
You look a little dry there, honey.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
They're gonna saw you open, Mom.
They're gonna slice out your corneas,
your kidneys, your lungs.
They probably won't be too interested in your liver
considering your past,
but by the time they're through
putting you into a dozen igloo coolers
and shipping you off to the black market,
you should net me about a hundred K.
And then I'll toast your memory from the deck of my beach house.
Oh, honey.
You can't buy a beach house for a hundred K.
And when they cut out your heart, Mom,
I think I wanna be there
just to confirm that you had one.
Jesus. I survived cancer
and rehab for this?
*** it. Can I have a drink?
You had cancer?
Don't you dare start feeling sorry for her.
Sure. Chemo, radiation.
Do you have any more of that stuff you gave me
that made me sleep? I'll take some of that.
Quinn, they will not take her organs.
She had radiation, chemo--
And a double mastectomy.
They're going to know this the moment they open her shirt.
Quinn, it's no good.
You *** ***!
[♪♪♪]
Quinn, enough!
Enough!
Get out! Out!
Out of my life, out of my tent!
You are a mean person.
Have fun together.
[SOBBING]
Oh, good Christ.
Watch out, incoming. Take cover.
My eyes, my eyes, I can't see.
Doug, if you don't help, you can't come.
Why can't we just buy some new stuff?
There was a dead mouse in that backpack.
Hey, kid.
What's wrong with Uncle Andy?
He's baking banana bread. Like 13 of them.
Oh, he's freaking out because your mom's pregnant.
Knocked up, private.
Baby on board. Muffin in the ***.
[GROWLS]
You're just an idiot. You know that?
What? What--? I didn't knock her up.
NANCY: Mm.
Something smells amazing.
They say that pregnant women
have a heightened sense of smell.
Oh, you're talking to me.
Well, I've been thinking,
just because you've been a slutty,
irresponsible, slutty ***
who had unprotected sex with a Mexican gangster,
that doesn't mean that we can't be friends, right?
Did you wanna lick the spatula?
Of course you do.
I need you to take Shane up to my sister's in Oakland Hills.
Jill Price-Gray with a hyphen? Bitchface?
It's the lesser of two evils.
I'll have to check my schedule.
Not in the good way.
Ask her yourself.
You're pregnant?
See?
You've got a big baby.
And you're how old?
Women my age have babies, Shane.
So when's the abortion?
I'm having the baby, Silas.
ANDY: Come on, it's a new life.
It's a new sibling for you guys
it's the key to keeping her Mexican boyfriend
from murdering us all.
At least until she pops and then we flee to Denmark.
Dad would be so proud.
[SIGHS]
Shane, tomorrow Andy's going to take you up to Oakland
to stay with my sister for a while. Your Aunt Jill.
You remember Aunt Jill?
*** that.
No, Andy's coming to the forest with me and Doug.
It's for your own safety and that's the end of it.
You're going.
Your little camping trip will have to wait.
It's not a little camping trip, it's business.
I gotta get my clones in the ground.
What a bunch of ***.
He stays and I get sent to Oakland? Forget it.
You're right. You know what? Take them both.
No way. I'm not just some kid you can send to his room.
Oh, and I am? *** you.
You totally are. You get one ***
you think you're a grown-up? Just deal.
ANDY: Hey, hey, hey,
[YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
What? I gotta check the bread.
Stop it.
I've got a afro down there, you ***.
Surrounding your ***.
Gorgeous.
*** it. I said stop.
Hot. Hot.
My beautiful loaf.
You ruin everything you touch!
*** you.
Hey, Nance, you're back. What's new?
[♪♪♪]
Careful, okay?
You bringing sunscreen?
NANCY: It'll be okay, sweetie.
It's only temporary.
We'll talk on the phone.
[CHATTER, JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MICHAEL FRANTI'S "SAY HEY" PLAYING OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
♪ Woo ♪
♪ I say, "hey, I'll be gone today" ♪
♪ But I'll be back All around the way ♪
♪ It seems like Everywhere I go ♪
♪ The more I see The less I know ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ One thing That I love you ♪
♪ I've been a lot of places All around the way ♪
♪ I've seen a lot of joy And I've seen a lot of pain ♪
♪ But I don't wanna write A love song for the world ♪
Flash mob.
Because it's cool.
♪ Hey, mama Hey, mama ♪
Because it's cool.
♪ Hey, mama, hey, mama, Hey, mama, hey, mama ♪
♪ Hey, mama, hey, mama, Hey, mama, hey, mama ♪
[ALL CLAPPING]
♪ Well, my mama told me "Don't lose you" ♪
♪ 'Cause the best luck I had was you ♪
♪ And I know one thing ♪
♪ That I love you ♪
[DANCERS SIGHS]
♪ I'll be gone today ♪
♪ But I'll be back All around the way ♪
♪ It seems like Everywhere I go ♪
♪ The more I see The less I know ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ One thing That I love you ♪
♪ Baby girl ♪
♪ I love you, I love you, I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
DANCERS: Woo!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CHATTER]