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THIS IS EVERYBODY COMEDIAN'S
DREAM, RICH PEOPLE EATING.
I GOT STUCK BEHIND THE ARIZONA
CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION.
LUCKILY ALL THEIR PIPS WERE IN
ORDER.
AND I HAVE THE HONOR OF BEING
THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PANEL
NOT SUBPOENAED BY ROD BLAGBLAG.
THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.
I SEE THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS
CORPS IS VERY EXCITED.
SO THIS IS IT.
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.
I'M NOT LOOKING OVER.
IS HE LAUGHING?
SOME OF YOU NOTICED THAT THE
PRESIDENT IS TURNING GRAY, BUT
HE HAS HAD HIS SHARE OF STRESS.
HIM.
I THINK THAT WOULD BREAK MOST
MEN.
SOMETIMES THE PRESS CAN BE
ONE-SIDED.
DURING THE ELECTION, THEY WOULD
ASK, IS OBAMA BLACK ENOUGH?
IS OBAMA TOO BLACK.
NEVER THE OTHER WAY AROUND, IS
JOHN BOEHNER ORANGE ENOUGH?
IS HE TOO ORANGE?
WE NEVER HEAR THAT.
AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT AND
FAMILY.
YOU REMEMBER THIS HEART-WARMING
PHOTO.
WE ALL WENT AHH.
AND IT REMINDED US OF ALL OF THE
SIMILAR PHOTO TAKEN IN THE
PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION, TAKE A
LOOK.
[LAUGHTER]
OUR HATS OFF TO MICHELLE
OBAMA WHO MADE CHILDHOOD OBESITY
[APPLAUSE]
SHE HAS STARTED A MORE
INTENSE PROGRAM CALLED LEAVE NO
WITH A BIGGER BEHIND.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT MRS. OBAMA WITH ALL THE
GOOD WORK YOU HAVE BEEN DOING,
IT'S BEEN UNDERMINED BY OTHERS
IN YOUR ADMINISTRATION.
HERE, TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S'S EASY TO SAY TO STAY
HEALTHY AND EXERCISE MORE.
OUR CHILDREN MIGHT NOT LIVE AS
LONG AS THEIR PARENTS.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP?
BE THE EXAMPLE THEY NEED.
MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES AND HELP
THEM DO THE SAME.
LET'S RAISE A HEALTHIER
[APPLAUSE]
AND THERE WAS A BIG SET BACK
FOR NASA, PRESIDENT OBAMA
CUTTING THE SPACE PROGRAM AND
NOT SENDING ANY MORE MEN TO THE
MOON.
WE CAN TALK TO ONE MAJOR
ACHIEVEMENT, WE DID GET AN
ASTRONAUT ON "DANCING WITH THE
STARS"."
AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN BE
PROUD OF.
I REMEMBER MEETING PRESIDENT
OBAMA A NUMBER OF TIMES AND
CRITICS DESCRIBE THE PRESIDENT
AS COLD AND ALOOF.
HE LOVES TO SOCIALIZE, CAR
[LAUGHTER]
I CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT
OBAMA, HE HAS DONE MORE THAN FOR
THE CAR INDUSTRY EXCEPT FOR
[LAUGHTER]
AND AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD,
THERE ARE MORE PROBLEMS FOR
TOYOTA, TWO OF THE CRASH TEST
DUMMIES REFUSED TO GET IN THE
CAR.
SO THINGS ARE NOT LOOKING GOOD.
BUT ONE WONDERFUL THING ABOUT
PRESIDENT OBAMA, NEVER LOST HIS
STREET CRED.
HE KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH THE
AVERAGE GUY.
HERE HE IS MEETING A BUSINESS
GUY ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
HERE.
THIS IS WHERE WE ARE ABOUT TO
GO.
THE PRESIDENT AGAIN EXPECTING TO
TALK ABOUT SMALL BUSINESSES AND
HOW HE IS GOING TO HURT THEM IN
THIS ECONOMY.
[LAUGHTER]
ANOTHER PIECE OF CAKE?
MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE TO ADMIT,
WHEN YOU WERE ELECTED, COMEDY
WELL AT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS
DRIED UP, SO THANK YOU FOR
PICKING JOE BIDEN.
JOE IS A GREAT PICK BECAUSE
NOBODY IS MORE MEDIA SAVY.
HERE HE IS WITH ANDREA MITCHELL.
"AVATAR."
YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY BUSY
MAN.
DO YOU EVER GET TO THE MOVIES?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE DO.
AND UMH, I THINK ONE OF THE
ODDS-ON FAVORITE IS THIS NEW
PROGRAM THAT I LOOKED AT IT AND
WISH I WAS SEEING IT IN 3-D AND
WATCH THIS SCIENCE FICTION THING
UNFOLD IN FRONT OF YOU.
IT'S "AVATAR."
AS YOU KNOW A LOT OF REPUBLICANS
WOULDN'T BE HERE BECAUSE OF HIS
CLUB.
MICHAEL STEELE IS HERE.
MICHAEL, THIS HAS GOT TO BE
PRETTY BORING ENTERTAINMENT.
COUPLE OF GUYS TALKING, COME ON.
THAT WAS MY FAVORITE STORY.
REPUBLICANS IN A LESBIAN BONDAGE
CLUB.
THEY DON'T WANT THEM GETTING
MARRIED, BUT THEY LIKE TO WATCH
THEM TIE THE KNOT.
[LAUGHTER]
REPUBLICANS GOING TO BONDAGE
CLUB, LOOKING AT ***, I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET BACK TO HOLLYWOOD
WHERE PEOPLE HAVE VALUES.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHITE HOUSE
SECURITY FOR A MOMENT.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST
SECURE PLACE IN THE WORLD.
HERE'S PRESIDENT OBAMA AND VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, TWO MOST
POWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD.
WATCH THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?
TAKE A LOOK.
GOOD EVENING EVERYBODY.
GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, AFTER NEARLY 100
YEARS OF TALK AND FRUSTRATION --
WHO'S THAT GUY.
IS HE ON THE TOUR?
[LAUGHTER]
AND ACCORDING TO THE
PENTAGON, AL QAEDA IS IN
FINANCIAL RUIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT BROKE THEM?
HEALTH INSURANCE PRELIMINARY
YUMMINGS?
YOU KNOW THE MONTHLY PREMIUM FOR
A SUICIDE BOMBER IS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
IF YOU TOOK ALL THE MONEY
REPUBLICANS SPENT TRYING TO STOP
HEALTH CARE AND WHAT DEMOCRATS
SPENT TRYING TO GET HEALTH CARE,
WE COULD HAVE HAD IT COUPLE OF
YEARS AGO.
SUPPORTERS SAY THAT THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE WILL NOW GET THE SAME
CONGRESS GET.
AND OF COURSE, THAT'S GREAT.
HOW ABOUT SOME OF THE OTHER
PERKS?
GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU DID A GREAT
JOB BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE A LOT
OF CREDIT TO NANCY PELOSI FOR
THE WAY SHE SOLD IT TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE, SHE WENT TO THE
NEW MEDIA, SHE WENT TO YOUTUBE.
HERE, TAKE A LOOK.
IN ORDER TO HAVE QUALITY,
AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE FOR ALL
AMERICANS, IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT
EVERYONE PARTICIPATE WHEN THEY
ARE WELL AND NOT JUST JOIN IN
WHEN THEY ARE SICK.
SO IT'S ALL BETTER QUALITY,
LOWER COST, MORE ACCESS IF
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S MOOD REALLY
CHANGED ONCE THAT HEALTH CARE
BILL PASSED.
I WOULD SEE YOU COME INTO THE
PRESS ROOM BEFORE THE BILL
PASSED, KIND OF SLUMPED OVER,
LOOKING DEPRESSED, DIDN'T HAVE
THE SPARK.
HERE'S THE PRESIDENT THE DAY
AFTER THE HEALTH CARE BILL WAS
SIGNED.
TAKE A LOOK.
SECOND.
(music)(music)
AS YOU KNOW, SECRETARY OF
DEFENSE ANNOUNCED THAT THE
PENTAGON WILL EASE UP ON DON'T
ASK, DON'T TELL.
HE SAID THEY WILL BE AGAINST THE
RULES BUT NOT ENFORCING.
LIKE THE ETHICS REGULATIONS IN
CONGRESS.
DAVID AXELROD IS HERE.
HE IS ONE OF THE PEOPLE MOST
RESPONSIBLE GETTING PRESIDENT
OBAMA ELECTED.
AND WITHOUT HIM, JOHN MCCAIN
WOULD HAVE BEEN ELECTED AND
WATCHING "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."
DAVID AXELROD WAS ON MY SHOW.
WHEN I TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO
BE ON WITH "KICK ***" HE SAID,
RAHM'S HERE?
HE CLAIMED THAT RAHM CONFRONTED
HIM IN THE SHOWER.
CONGRESS HAS A GYM?
ANYBODY IN CONGRESS LOOK LIKE
THEY WORK OUT?
IT TOOK BARNEY FRANK 30 YEARS TO
GET THAT BODY?
WHAT IS HARRY REID BENCH
[LAUGHTER]
THE PRESIDENT HAS THE MOST
DIVERSE STAFF IN HISTORY.
CHICAGO.
AND I THINK THAT IS FANTASTIC,
[LAUGHTER]
MICHAEL DOUGLAS IS HERE.
WHERE'S MICHAEL?
HE WON AN OSCAR FOR HIGH
PORTRAYAL AS A GREEDY WALL
STREET BROKER.
WHERE DOES HOLLYWOOD COME UP
WITH THOSE CRAZY IDEAS?
BILL MAR?
HE IS THE REASON WE HAD NO
OPENING PRAYER TONIGHT.
AND SPEAKING OF THAT, YOU KNOW,
EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT THE
LACK OF CIVILITY ON BOTH SIDES.
YOU SEE IT IN SPORTS, YOU SEE IT
IN POLITICS.
I THINK WE HAVE THE ANSWER.
TAKE A LOOK.
THE REFORMS I'M PROPOSING
WOULD NOT APPLY TO THOSE WHO ARE
HERE ILLEGALLY.
YOU LIE!
ARE YOU TIRED OF HEARING WHAT
PEOPLE SAY WHAT IS ON THEIR
MINDS.
THEY HAVE AN OPINION AND
OTHERS.
THOSE ANNOYING COMMENTS CAN GO
AWAY WITH THIS, DUCT TAPE.
THIS GRAY STICKY FABRIC SOLVES
IT ALL, THE AMERICAN SOLUTION TO
EVERYTHING.
OSAMA BIN LADEN RELEASING
TAPES BLAMING THE UNITED STATES
ON GLOBAL WARMING.
EVEN THE UNITED STATES BLAMES
THE UNITED STATES FOR GLOBAL
WARMING.
I THINK HE WANTS TO QUIT AL
QAEDA AND JOIN AL GORE.
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN PROMOTING
ALTERNATIVE ENERGY.
TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY GENERATES
ELECTRICITY WHEN YOU EXERCISE
AND GENERATE POWER BY
EXERCISING.
YOU THOUGHT AMERICANS WITH
HIRING A LOT OF ILLEGAL ALIENS
BEFORE.
MANUEL, KEEP PEDDLING.
PRESIDENT OBAMA THREW OUT THE
FIRST PITCH AT THE WASHINGTON
NATIONALS GAME AGAINST THE
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.
BIDEN GOT KICKED OUT FOR CURSING
THE UMPIRE.
THE PITCH WAS NOT A GOOD PITCH,
BUT TO BE FAIR, YOU ARE USED TO
SOFTBALL.
I'M GOING TO GET FIRED AGAIN.
I TELL YOU SOMETHING.
A LOT OF CRITICS FELT THAT
PRESIDENT BUSH DID A BETTER JOB
GETTING THE BALL OVER THE PLATE.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, PRESIDENT
OBAMA CAN TALK.
[LAUGHTER]
AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT OBAMA
AND THE FIRST LADY, VERY MUCH
COMMITTED TO EDUCATION.
IN FACT, HERE'S THEIR LATEST
PROGRAM.
PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS THAT A
GOOD EDUCATION IS EVERYTHING TO
A CHILD'S FUTURE, BUT WHAT IF
YOU HAVE A CHILD THAT CAN'T
LEARN OR WORST, WON'T LEARN.
THANKS TO A BOTTLED GOVERNMENT
IN.
IT'S CASH FOR CLUNKERS.
BRING IN THAT THING YOU CALL A
SON AND GET $4,500 FOR A NEW OR
THAT'S RIGHT.
UP TO $4,500 FOR THAT WANNABE
GANGSTER OR THAT MORBID PUNK.
SO DON'T BE STUCK WITH THAT
*** YOU GAVE BIRTH TO.
GET A KID YOU YOU CAN BE PROUD
OF.
[LAUGHTER]
I READ THAT BOOK GAME CHANGE
ABOUT THE 2008 ELECTION.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LEARNED FROM
THAT BOOK.
REPORTERS HOLD BACK ALL THE GOOD
STORIES FROM THE NEWSPAPERS,
[LAUGHTER]
NICE TO SEE CHRIS MATTHEWS.
CHRIS, WHERE ARE YOU?
CHRIS HAS BEEN ON "THE TONIGHT
SHOW."
HE COMES DOWN AND TALKS STRAIGHT
THROUGH FOR 10 MINUTES AND THEN
I ASK HIM A QUESTION AND THEN HE
TALKS ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PRESS FOR A
MINUTE.
I WANT YOU TO WATCH HOW
DIFFERENT NETWORKS COVER THE
SAME STORY.
REMEMBER THAT STORY ABOUT
PRESIDENT OBAMA, SOMEBODY HAD A
JACKET AND HAD A BIG POSTER ON
TIME SQUARE AND THE PRESIDENT
ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ENDORSING.
THIS IS HOW CBS COVERED IT.
PRESIDENT OBAMA NO LONGER HAS
THE COMMANDING PRESENCE IN A NEW
YORK LOCATION.
REMEMBER THIS HUGE BILLBOARD
WITH HIS LIKENESS.
IT WAS REMOVED.
MR. OBAMA'S PICTURE IS NOT TO BE
USED FOR COMMERCIAL PURPOSES.
NOW LOOK HOW FOX NEWS CARRIED
THE EXACT SAME STORY.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT TO BE FAIR, IT IS A
TWO-WAY STREET KS, AND I THINK
THE WHITE HOUSE LIKES TO PLAY
GAMES.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME TAPE.
ANYWAY.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME
HOUSE.
NOTICE HOW QUIET IT IS WHEN THE
MSNBC REPORTERS REPORTING AND
WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WITH FOX.
WE HAVEN'T CHANGED IT IN ANYWAY.
DOES MAKE A COUPLE OF
PROBLEMS GO AWAY.
SECRETARY ROBERT GIBBS.
EMERGENS OF THIS PART OF THE
PARTY ISN'T A GOOD THING.
AND JOHN BOEHNER SAID.
PAST FEW MINUTES THAT IT
INVOLVED JUST MORE THAN
CONGRATULATIONS.
A SPECIAL ELECTION.
REPUBLICANS HAVE HELD IT.
SAUSAGE MAKING YOU DON'T WANT
TO LOOK TOO CLOSELY AT, BUT --
YOU BE THE JUDGE!
AND YOU MENTIONED THE SITUATION
IN THE GULF OF MEXICO.
THERE'S TALK THAT THIS OIL SLICK
COULD BE BIGGER THAN THAT HUGE
DISASTER THEY HAD UP IN ALASKA.
REALLY?
BIGGER THAN SARAH PALIN.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
AND WOLF BLITZER IS HERE.
DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE THE NAME
OF SARAH PALIN'S HELICOPTER?
YOU KNOW, THE BIG RUMOR IS,
SARAH PALIN MAY RUN FOR
PRESIDENT IN 2012 AND SHE IS A
FORMER BEAUTY QUEEN.
IF SHE WINS, IT WOULD MAKE
HISTORY, WOULD MAKE THE FIRST
TIME THAT A BEAUTY QUEEN WOULD
BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE.
THEY ALL TALK ABOUT IT.
SHE COULD MAKE IT HAPPEN.
YOU SEE HER LAST MONTH.
IT WAS BEAUTY AND THE DECEASED.
AND MY FAVORITE DEMOCRAT,
SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS, WHILE A
PERSONAL INJURY ATTORNEY WHO
TURNED OUT TO BE A *** BALL.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, NOW THERE'S TALK OF A
JOHN EDWARDS' SEX TAPE.
THERE'S SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE
NEVER SEEN BEFORE, A LAWYER
WOW!
HOW UNUSUAL IS THAT.
BETTY WHITE IS HERE.
WE LOVE BETTY WHITE!
HI, SWEETHEART.
TOWN.
HER FIRST STAGE PERFORMANCE WAS
INTERRUPTED BY JOHN WILKES
[LAUGHTER]
THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE WAS
2004 AND BACK THEN, HILLARY
CLINTON CAMPAIGN HAD $20 MILLION
BUT NOW MARK PENN HAS IT.
LITTLE INSIDE BASEBALL.
THE RICH GUYS GET IT, YEAH.
NEWSWEEK IS REPORTING THAT
HILLARY CLINTON HAS BEEN TALKING
TO FRIENDS ABOUT STEPPING DOWN
AS SECRETARY OF STATE, YOU KNOW,
I THINK I PICKED UP A CLUE IN A
RECENT INTERVIEW ABOUT WHAT SHE
PLANS TO DO.
IT'S A LITTLE SUBTLE.
I WANT TO ASK YOU AGAIN, YOU
ARE NEVER GOING TO RUN FOR
PRESIDENT AGAIN?
IT.
I KNOW THAT'S HARD FOR PEOPLE TO
[LAUGHTER]
HERE.
I HEARD HIM SAY, WHEN HE HEARD
THE PRESIDENT WAS GOING TO BE
HERE, HE SAID WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS A TOUGH ROOM.
MY GOOD FRIEND JOY BEYHAR FROM
"THE VIEW" IS HERE.
I SEEN PRESIDENT OBAMA IN TOUGH
NEGOTIATIONS WITH THE RUSSIANS
AND SHOWDOWN WITH SIMILAR JUNG
IL.
AND PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD.
BUT THE ONLY TIME I SEEN HIM
LOOK NERVOUS AND JERKY IS ON
"THE VIEW."
LOOK AND COUNT HOW MANY TIMES
TIMES HE FIDGETS.
I'M SURROUNDED BY WOMEN.
YOU ALWAYS SURPRISE ME.
YOU ALWAYS SURPRISE ME.
I'M GOING TO SAY, OVER THE
WEEKEND, I REREAD "DREAMS OF MY
FATHER."
LET'S WIBED THIS BABY UP.
MY FAVORITE MOMENT WAS SEEING
ALL FIVE LIVING PRESIDENTS ALL
TOGETHER IN THE OVAL OFFICE AND
SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS HAPPENED
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASTIC,
TAKE A LOOK.
(music) WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
WAR
YEAH
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING
SAY IT AGAIN (music)(music)
THIS HAS BEEN AN HONOR AND
PRIVILEGE.
THIS IS THE GREATEST JOB, FOR
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES, FIRST LADY MICHELLE
O'BAUMA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[APPLAUSE]