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Hey.
What's with these healthy people eating Pinkberry?
I mean, it's not pink or berry.
More like fake vanilla yogurt that tastes
like sour milk berry.
Come on, people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Or better yet, more like stinkberry.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Or if you're smart, more like thinkberry.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]
Ha-- why come airplane food is so damn bad?
I mean, they asked me if I wanted the
steak or the chicken.
And I'm like, does this meal come with safety instructions
like the aircraft?
[RIM SHOT]
In case of emergency, you can use your
seat as a vomit device.
[ELEPHANT SOUND EFFECT]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
So three Pollacks walk into a bar--
oh wait, my bad.
I've been drinking scotch for the last five hours.
It's just one Pollack.
[THUNDER SOUND EFFECT]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
He doesn't know the difference because he's dumb--
he's a Pollack.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]
Last year on my birthday, nobody showed up.
So I screamed, this birthday is the worst day.
[REVVING ENGINE]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Oh man, I wish people were there to laugh at that one.
They missed out.
But at least you can all laugh at it because I
just said it to you.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Whenever I hear the question, Andy Milonakis, how'd you get
to be so damn funny?
I usually reply, I don't know, Andy, stop being so
narcissistic and stop looking in the mirror that's giving
yourself those questions.
[TRAIN SOUND EFFECT]
[HORSE NEIGH]
[TRAIN SOUND EFFECT]
If I was pals with Christopher Columbus and he said, Andy,
you know the world is flat, I'd be like,
yeah, your mom's flat.
Your mom's flat.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
[BOING SOUND EFFECT]