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Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.
Try spending it with an eleven-year-old
that does nothing but complain.
You mean me?
Boy, no wonder
they gotta write your name in your underwear.
What am I supposed to do?
Watch TV.
There's nothing on.
Play a video game.
I played them all.
Read a book.
Yeah, right. Who's the moron now?
Okay, here's a rainy day activity.
There are 12 college basketball games
on this weekend.
Dial this number and ask for Coop.
Tell him you're calling for "Mr. Bo Jingles"
and write down everything he tells you.
Do I get to make some of the picks this time?
You got money?
If you pay me what you owe me.
Hey, you're getting an education here. That's priceless.
( door opens )
What's going on?
Just talking about picking colleges.
I like Duke.
Over Wake Forest?
I got a hunch.
You got him thinking about college already?
You're welcome.
So how'd it go with the doctor?
Uh, sit down.
I have to tell you something.
What?
The doctor wants me to have a procedure.
What kind of procedure?
He says I'm fine and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.
What procedure?
A colonoscopy.
Oh, geez, Alan, that's no big deal.
They're just gonna shove a camera up your ***.
Okay, in all future references to this procedure,
can we please use the word "glide" or "slide,"
uh, as opposed to "shove"?
Don't sweat it.
Every guy eventually has to get one of those.
It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
You've had one?
No, are you crazy?
But I hear there's nothing to worry about.
It's a tiny little camera.
Count your blessings.
In the old days, they'd send a sketch artist up there.
Besides, you're unconscious the whole time.
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.
They could do anything.
Alan, it's not a pirate ship.
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.
Yeah, I bet that's what they say on pirate ships.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Men. ♪
Aw, damn it!
What?
The sink's stopped up again.
That kid still doesn't know the difference
between the garbage disposal and the drain.
What do you want? He's 11.
That's no excuse.
If he can't tell which hole is which at his age,
he's headed for big troubles down the road.
( disposal rattling )
( rattling stops )
How about that?
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.
Pirate ships?
Full-service gas stations.
I fail to see the connection.
Cold steel nozzles going into openings.
Dipsticks being pulled out.
Do I have to draw you a picture?
You know what? You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy.
Come on, get in there, you sucker!
Easy for you to say.
How about this?
How about you and me hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?
Just like that?
What about Jake?
Oh, yeah, Jake.
Okay, how about this?
We get him a fake mustache and a hat
and tell everybody his mother was a heavy smoker.
I don't think so.
Well, we can still bring him.
But come on. It's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored out of his mind
and you're all puckered up over this colonoscopy thing.
It... just... won't... go... in!
Well, it is a three-day weekend.
Exactly. And I've got two grand in my pocket
that's itching to turn into 12 bucks and a hangover.
Come on.
We can be there in, like, four hours.
Unless you drive, in which case I'm not going.
Oh, perfect. Now I can't get it out.
You know what? Why not?
One way or another, I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free seafood buffet.
Great. Go grab a toothbrush for you and the kid
and we'll hit the road.
Pinky? Berta.
Order a keg and call the gang.
I got the house till Tuesday.
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms,
one for Alan Harper and son,
and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress
to be named later.
No, I don't want connecting rooms.
Weren't you listening?
In fact, put mine on a different floor.
Come on. Let's go!
Now, what's playing in your showroom?
Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.
Okay, this may seem like a dumb question,
but is that a family show?
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?
All right, he'll just have to stay in the room
and watch scrambled ***.
You could help me, you know.
No, you're doing okay.
Where's your clean underwear?
I'm wearing it.
That's all you brought for the weekend?
It's only three days.
All right, we'll pick some up when we get there.
They can last five days if I turn them inside out.
What's going on? Aren't you ready?
I'm packing Jake.
For what, college?
What the hell is this for?
So he can go swimming.
Where?
They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.
Why don't you bring a frying pan?
They got kitchens, too.
Let's see... sport jacket.
He doesn't need a sport jacket.
What if we decide
to take him someplace nice for dinner?
Take him someplace nice?
Alan, if I want to throw away money, I'll play keno.
Can I gamble in Vegas?
No.
Then why am I going?
Because all the kennels are full.
Now come on, let's go.
Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
You're kidding? What have you been doing?
I changed the phone message to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a little first-aid kit,
I turned the thermostat down in the fridge
because if you're not opening and closing it,
it doesn't have to be that cold,
I called the paper and stopped delivery,
and I erased all the answers
out of an old Mad Libs book
so that we'd have something to entertain us in the car.
Mad Libs, huh?
Yeah.
Let me see that.
Go... get... packed!
♪ Men. ♪
Wait till you see Vegas, Jake.
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
How does that help me?
I can't gamble and I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Hey, when we go to Disneyland,
do I complain that I hate every aspect
of the entire experience?
Yeah.
Oh. Well, then you know how irritating it is.
Blackjack.
That's it?
Yep. You owe me another dollar.
This stinks.
You want to quit?
Just deal the cards.
Attaboy.
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?
Uh, didn't your dad tell you?
He said it was just a test and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up on the Internet.
And?
I don't believe it.
Believe it.
Wouldn't it be easier to go in the other way?
You'd think, but no.
Why do they have to do it?
They just want to see what's going on up there.
Did Dad lose something?
'Cause when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.
No kidding?
Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.
Well, the house always takes a cut.
What are you gonna do?
Hit me.
Okay, in Vegas, you don't say "hit me."
If you want a card, you go like this.
Okay, fine.
Busted. You owe me another dollar.
What if I didn't want another card?
You go like this.
That's what I meant to do.
There's no do-overs in Vegas.
What's the signal
if I have to go to the bathroom?
There is no signal.
You just get up and go to the bathroom.
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
You're kidding, right?
Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks
and you've got $600 on the table,
do the math.
I have to do math and pee my pants?
Alan, are you ready yet?!
Just about!
And where'd I get the $600?
You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
What are you doing?
Financial planning!
I don't want to look, but I gotta.
In class, if we have to go to the bathroom,
we do this or this. Get it?
Yeah, I got it.
280, 280, 280, 280...
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, hang on.
Two hu... Oh, thanks.
Now you made me lose count.
( grunts )
Ten, ten, ten.
20, 20, 20...
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?
I have a system.
Do tell.
I divide my gambling money into three equal piles.
The first one is for day one.
That's the money I'll put in my money belt.
You're wearing a money belt?
Oh, good. You can't tell.
I was afraid it made me look chunky.
Uh, anyway, the second pile is for day two.
I'll give that to you,
but under no circumstances do you to give it back to me
before midnight of day one,
which would of course be the official start of day two.
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?
Ah. That's the most important pile.
That's the money I hide in my Frye boot.
In your boot?
Shhh.
But I pretend that I don't have it
so that if disaster strikes and I've lost piles one and two,
then I can pull it out and poof,
I'm solvent again.
Okay, I think I understand.
Pretty clever, huh?
Yeah. That's a nice boot. Let me see it.
Oh. Sure.
Get... dressed... and let's... go!
Okay.
Twenty-one!
Turn over your hole card.
Oh. Twenty-seven.
Close. Twenty-nine.
Okay, I'm good.
All righty.
Viva Las Vegas.
Oh, Alan.
What?
We're going in a Mercedes, not a time machine.
Sh-Should I change?
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.
What's this?
Oh, uh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.
Really?
Yeah. You'll thank me.
Not all hotels supply shower caps and sewing kits.
Get in the car. Jake, come on!
Hold on a second.
Oh, for God's sake, now what?
( retching )
Okay, let's go.
Well, you don't have a fever.
I told you he's fine. Let's go.
Charlie, he threw up in your umbrella stand.
Did you miss that?
So? Vegas is full of people who throw up.
They built that city on a sea of vomit.
I'm okay. I can go.
That's the spirit.
You really want to drive five hours through the desert
with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?
He can stick his head out the window,
let the guy behind us worry about it.
We're not going.
Oh, come on, it's probably just something he ate.
All right. What have you eaten in the last 24 hours?
Well, let's see.
Two bowls of Cocoa Puffs, a couple of blueberry Pop Tarts,
bag of string cheese...
That reminds me, we need more string cheese.
Then for lunch, a Hot Pocket and a Bagel Bite.
Then dinner...
fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a bologna sandwich.
Okay, it's not what he ate.
And for snack, I had a glass of Tang and some Cheetos.
That explains the orange vomit.
It's probably some kind of stomach virus.
Oh please, I throw up all the time.
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."
I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
They have beds in Vegas.
What if he needs a doctor?
They have doctors in Vegas.
I bet if we looked around,
we could find a casino with a hospital theme.
You know, Caesar's Sinai or something.
( phone rings )
I'll get it.
Hello? Hey, Mom.
Fine.
Nothing.
Oh, yeah, I threw up in Uncle Charlie's umbrella stand
and we're going to Vegas.
No!
What kind of a father are you?!
Hey, I am a good father.
The minute he threw up, I canceled the trip.
But you were planning to take my 11-year-old child
to Las Vegas?
It's really a family town now.
The mob hardly has any influence at all anymore.
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.
When were you planning on telling me about this trip?
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, Mom.
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.
Honey, why don't you go lie down?
Why? I'm fine.
Uncle Charlie, is it too late to get our bets down with Coop?
What bets?
Who's Coop?
Go lie down. You're delirious.
Listen, Judith,
I don't think you understand the true ramifications
of what's going on here.
Yeah.
You see, this trip was my idea.
I'm shocked.
Let me finish.
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up because...
Charlie, don't. It's personal.
She has a right to know.
Judith,
Alan got some bad news from the doctor yesterday.
Oh, my God, Alan, what is it?
Well...
the doctor says I have to have a colonoscopy.
Are you having problems?
No, it's just routine.
So?
So I'm-I'm really nervous about it.
That's it?
Well, it's a long, snakey thing with a camera.
Oh, please, your son was ten pounds at birth,
and his head was the same size it is now.
That's kind of apples and oranges, isn't it?
Good-bye, Alan.
Wait, wait, Judith.
Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
No, I'm not gonna taking him. He's fine.
A-And don't think I don't see what's going on here.
You put Jake up to tell me he's sick so you could
pawn him off on me while you went
gallivanting off to Las Vegas.
He did throw up. Smell the umbrella stand.
I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night.
If I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas,
you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney.
I've seen your alimony checks.
You already got one.
So what's the deal? Are we going?
I don't think so.
Why? I'm fine.
Yeah, but your mom said no.
Oh, man.
Don't eat anything orange.
You want to know what I think?
Not at all.
I think if she wanted
to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle,
she shouldn't have divorced you.
I am not on a leash. I never was on a leash.
You were living here for three weeks before
you were comfortable getting up on the couch without permission.
Can we just drop it? It was a bad idea.
There are no bad ideas;
there's just a lack of will to execute them.
We're men, Alan. Single men.
We go where we want, when we want and how we want.
Usually without so much luggage and toiletries,
but I'm trying to be flexible here.
I explained about the toiletries.
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife control your behavior
no matter how stupid or self-destructive it might be.
Charlie...
What profit a man if he escapes
the iron shackles of matrimony, only to surrender
to the sexually frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?
You know what, you're right. We're men.
Damn right! Are you with me?
I'm with you!
Then grab your *** pack.
We're going to Vegas!
Jake!
Just a sec.
( retching )
It's okay. It was mostly water.
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.
Nope. You're too sick.
Some other time.
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip, Uncle Charlie.
Hey, it's not your fault.
It's your dad who won't let you go.
Thanks, Charlie.
Why should he feel guilty?
Here...
put this on Wake Forest.
Game's over, Jake.
They lost.
What about the spread?
They didn't cover.
Oh.
Give me back my money.
Get some rest.
I'm hungry.
Get used to it.
That's some great kid.
Yeah.
Sick as a dog and all he wants is a little action.
Well, he gets that from you.
You think so?
'Cause I do try to be a role model.
I know you do.
Um, listen, there's no reason you have to stick around.
He's just gonna sleep. I can keep an eye on him.
No, no. I couldn't go now.
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas, you should go.
Let's face it. You're probably gonna have a much better time
without Jake and me, anyway.
"Probably?" Unquestionably.
Then why don't you go?
I don't know.
It just feels somehow wrong to abandon the kid when he's sick.
Congratulations.
Now you know what it feels like to be a parent.
Hmm. How inconvenient.
( rock music playing at a distance )
What's that?
Sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Berta?
Um...
Surprise!
In a few seconds you're gonna feel a little drowsy.
No, no drowsy. I want to be out. Completely out.
Don't worry, you will be. Right,Doctor?
Aye.
You won't be remembering anything, me bucko. Arrgh.
Thanks, Doc.
Here's the two grand for your children's hospital.
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.