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- Bill, Larry! Come on!
It's about to start! - Doh!
I wonder if my grandma's gonna see me on the news!
- Probably. It's the only channel her TV gets.
- Shhh!
- Last night, downtown Skeeter Creek
was the scene of a 5-alarm ruckus
when a bounty hunt turned wild.
- At around 9:00, the fugitive showed up
in this motorized La-Z-boy to pick up a 6-pack
and the latest issue of Trucks and Ta-tas.
When we identified ourselves, the guy sped off-- Ooh!
- And that's when I let my beanbag gun, Maggie,
do the talking.
Oh, she's a naughty girl.
- (Reporter): But as these brave heroes
pursued the reclining renegade,
this wannabe bounty hunter was as useless
as a one-legged bird-dog.
- Hey, I already told you.
I was in the truck, looking at evidence.
- This reporter bets he was getting a real close look!
I'm Delmont Raleigh.
- Holy moly!
We just got called heroes on TV!
- Man, this is gonna be a huge boon for the company!
- Of course you guys are happy.
He didn't call you a wannabe.
- (Jeff): Oh, come on, Bill.
You can't take Delmont Raleigh seriously.
All he cares about's ratings
and making sure the wind doesn't blow off his wig.
- Plus somebody told me he's from up north!
I think they said Kentucky.
- I guess it's bothering me
'cause he may have a point.
I've never made an arrest.
- Hey, Bill, you know what else you never made?
Me laugh! Ha ha!
Not counting that time you accidentally zapped yourself
with a Taser gun.
Now, that was funny!
- You know what?
Maybe it's my turn to cuff somebody.
- Fine! OK.
Next time, you can make the arrest. Happy?
- Hell yeah!
Just don't ask me to carry the Taser gun.
We got history.
(Door hinge squeaks)
- Look alive, you inbred bumpkins!
- How you doing, Lisa?
- Pretty good until I saw you idiots on the news.
I guess it's true the camera adds 10 chins.
(Laughing)
Not talking about you, you grade-A hunk of man meat.
When you gonna let me get a taste of that prime beef?
- Ugh! - So, listen up.
I got another bounty.
I need you rejects to find him and haul him in.
- Oh yeah, I recognize him.
Steroid Lloyd, that wrestler from Hamlin County.
He popped so much juice in his veins,
he could've been a major-league baseball team!
- These days, he's such a lardass,
his wrestling career's pretty much over.
He's like a $2 *** you look at and go: "Eh, too expensive."
- We'll get to it first thing after my son's birthday party.
- Oh, if you're busy, I'll just give Buck Masters the job.
I ran into him yesterday.
He gave me a ton of great swag!
- Look, you don't need some clown
who's just in it for the fame and money.
See, we have integrity.
- Blah, blah, blah!
You turds want me to keep throwing you work?
Start kissing my ***!
Well?
- Oh, Lisa! You look lovely today!
- Did you get some neck fat removed?
- I like how your eyebrows aren't connected anymore.
- (Larry): Your breath smells less like cat food than usual!
- All right, we got 3 hours until my son's party.
See anything?
- The police blotter's reporting a new robbery!
The suspect stole cash and chokeslammed a senior citizen!
- You know, that sounds like Steroid Lloyd!
It's go time!
(Imitating siren wailing)
Don't do that.
- So, Bethany,
did you get a good look at the gentleman who robbed you?
- Oh yeah!
He was built like Eloise,
the lady from the feedlot.
You believe Nancy told me she's riding a motorcycle now?
She can't do that!
Not with skin tags the size of jellybeans hanging off her neck!
They're like balloons in the wind,
flipping and a flopping!
(Sucking)
Want a sip of my Twinkie?
- Yeah, maybe later.
So, what did the robber look like?
- Oh, he had black hair, like Beulah.
Well, like she used to have.
She's pretty near bald from all them perms!
Damn fool looks like a mangy poodle.
- Could you just tell me what he looked like?
- Don't you get fresh with me.
He looked like an older, fatter version
of the picture he gave me before he left.
- (Larry): The dude knocks off a store and leaves his picture?
Oh man! His balls are bigger than the ones I got on my truck.
- Look at that!
We got us a phone number!
Bill, you ready to slap the cuffs on this deadbeat?
- Oh yeah! It just got serious.
(Slurping)
(Squirrel squeaking)
(♪ Humming ♪)
(Cell rings)
- Talk to me!
- (Larry, high-pitched): Well, hello there!
I'm calling from Tommy Taylor's Used Motorcars.
We're shooting a new commercial,
and we need some big, strong wrestling fellas like you
to audition!
- Count me in, lady!
- Great! I'll text you the address!
- Why on earth did you learn to talk in that voice?
- When you're married, you gotta spice things up.
(High-pitched): You know what I mean?
She likes that voice.
(Engine revving, tires squealing)
- (Man): Here comes Steroid Lloyd!
(♪ Rock ♪)
- Oh yeah! Check it out!
300 pounds of unnatural muscle!
Whoo-ee!
I need a haircut something fierce,
but you get the idea.
- Great to meet you, Lloyd.
I'm Jeff, the producer,
and this is our director, McD.
- Afternoon, Mr. 'Roid.
And that over there, is--
- (Bill): Well, well, well!
It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.
I'm Tommy Taylor,
or T.T., as my friends call me, beloved--
- OK, that's enough, Tommy.
Um, have you read the script for the commercial?
- Yeah, I don't need that.
I'm gonna do this the Steroid-Lloyd way.
- Okie-dokie! Tommy, you start it off!
Action!
- Come on down to Tommy Taylor's Used Motorcars--
- Where we drive a pile driver on high prices!
- Pile driver?
(Roaring)
(Fabric ripping)
(Gasping)
Bad credit? No credit?
I'll smack your ugly face!
(Grunts)
Come by today, before I get violent!
- Cut! Holy crapoly!
You is talented!
Hey, Bill, you got something you wanna say to him?
- Well, congrats, Lloyd.
You just earned the role of jailbird!
You have been bounty hunted.
I did it! He's busted by me!
Oh yeah! Who's your daddy?
- Bill, you've got to put both cuffs on!
(Lloyd roaring, Bill screaming)
(Moans)
(Grunts)
(Tires squealing)
- Boy, how do I say this nicely?
Hey, Bill... You suck.
- Why don't I just say what we're all thinking?
- That my grandma's arms are so fat
they look like a meat lover's sub?
- No! That I'm not a real bounty hunter.
- You are a real bounty hunter, Bill.
Just not a real good one.
- (Amber): Hey, y'all!
Who wants Quick N' Sloppy?
- Aw, Amber, you're the best wife ever!
Yo, them's the only burgers that got flavour pockets!
(Amber giggles)
- Uh, newlyweds, this is a work place.
- Nice job, ***.
I didn't realize I hired the Three Stooges
of bounty hunting.
- Oh, hey, girl!
When are you coming down to the beauty shop?
We're having a special on makeovers.
I could spend all day on you!
Root job, mustache bleach, forehead wax!
We could even give you a Brazilian!
- Forget it!
My jungle stays untamed!
(Gagging)
If you turds can't keep your eye
on the ball,
Buck Masters will.
"I'm looking for criminals.
"There's one over there. Or over there.
"To the left, to the right, I see 'em."
- You know how girls always say:
"Don't look at my ***, look at my eyes."?
This here is one hell of a pickle.
- You know, we're about to be surrounded
by my ex-wife's yuppie husband and his stupid friends.
Couldn't you have at least put on a shirt with sleeves?
- Hell no!
I have a 2nd-amendment right to bare arms.
- You also have the right to remain silent.
- Oh, Jeff.
I see you brought your friends to a party for 10-year-olds.
Don't worry. They'll fit right in.
- Bill, Larry, Jeff!
Bring it in, brother!
- Uh, since when do men hug hello?
(Laughing)
- You crack me up, man!
This guy is so funny.
I tell the office about him all the time. Ha ha ha!
(Laughing half-heartedly)
- Dad! You gotta come see my party!
Nathan got everything I asked for!
The ice statue looks just like me...
if I was made of ice!
- Holy cow!
- (Nathan): OK, guilty.
I went a little overboard.
Even the birthday cake is topnotch.
It's organic, it's got no sugar and it is totally gluten-free.
- Well, you know,
if there's one thing any birthday boy loves,
it has got to be a dry, flavourless cake.
I don't wanna brag, but the last time I threw a party for Colby,
I had a chocolate cake shaped like a slab of ribs
and a Dale Earnhardt Junior look-alike on stilts.
Heh heh! Yeah, that's how my people roll.
- Oh yeah! Speaking of which, your parents are here.
- Hi, Jeff!
Oh, want me to steal some mac and cheese for you?
- Don't be an idiot, son! It's free and full of bacon!
(Sighs)
- Hey, what you doing here, Lisa?
- What does it look like I'm doing, you moron?
I'm eating!
You gotta try this chilli!
It's like sex in a bowl!
- No, I'd better not, Lisa.
Let's just say chilli and my stomach aren't on good terms.
- I get it. You're not man enough to handle this chilli.
- Hell, I once handled a live power line,
and I got the missing toenails to prove it.
Chilli don't scare me.
Damn! That is good!
You know, maybe my stomach wouldn't mind if I...
(Larry's stomach rumbles, Larry groans)
Oh, dadgum!
- Jeff! Jeff!
Look at that entertainer.
He's got the same build, the same mannerisms
and the same love of performance as Lloyd.
It's gotta be him! - Come on, Bill!
Look, I appreciate your effort here,
but you don't have to prove yourself
at a kid's birthday party.
- His signature pose! It is him!
And he's about to get "Billed."
This time, with both cuffs.
(Grunts)
- Whoo-hoo!
Get 'er done, buddy!
(Children screaming)
- What the fun? Stop, stop!
(Inflatables squeaking, people gasping)
- I know how it looks, folks,
but I just saved this party from Steroid Lloyd.
- My name is Ethel! Captain Ethel!
- Oh great.
- Good lord, Bill.
That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
And I was raised by them!
(People gasping)
- Well, you don't have to worry
about any more dumb moves from me,
'cause I quit.
- So, I guess you'll be needing a sugar mama.
(Pony neighs)
Ah! This thing's busted!
- (Larry): There he is!
- Oh, man!
This is worse than I thought.
Now my best friend's trying to eat himself to death
and my son probably hates me.
- Jeff, the way I see it is this:
Problems are like hunting deer.
Sometimes, you just gotta tackle them.
- See, this is why we don't go hunting together.
- Come on! Let's divide and conquer!
You run over and see Colby,
and I'll go talk some sense to the grandma slayer.
(Stomach rumbling, Larry groaning)
- You all right? - I'm sorry, Jeff.
It's the chilli.
- No, no, no! You can't have chilli.
GET OUT! GET OUT!
(Tires squealing)
- Man, that was uncalled for!
(Farts)
Oh damn! Oh! That ain't good.
(Farts loudly)
Oh! I need help.
(Doorbell rings)
- Oh, look! It's Calamity Jeff!
I'll go get Colby.
Don't you dare move!
Sit on your hands.
(Sighs)
- You interested in technology, Jeff?
- Not even a little. - Then check this puppy out.
It does everything:
email, social networking, stock trading!
It saves me so much time!
- You know what saves me time?
Not doing any of that.
- Ni hao. Ni hao.
Oh, sorry, Jeff. I'm brushing up on my Mandarin.
Ni hao! Ni hao!
- Hey, buddy.
Listen, I am so sorry I ruined your birthday party.
I'm sure it wasn't any fun watching Bill ride around
on the fat lady.
- Are you crazy?
It was like some kind of cool rodeo
where people ride grandmas!
- Riding grandmas! That's my job!
(Laughs)
- Yeah! For 2 minutes every Sunday morning!
(Chuckles)
- Jeff, your parents are having memory problems.
They forgot to leave after the party ended.
- Come on, sweet cheeks!
The bar's got free hotdogs for 20 more minutes.
- Why do you think I got a side compartment
full of chilli?
- Oh, touché, darling! Heh heh heh!
- Come on, Bill, you can't give up now.
I mean, if fishing's taught me anything about life,
it's that sometimes,
you just gotta dive in and wrestle that thing!
- See, this is why we don't go fishing together.
Anyway, I'd help you,
but I'm busy watching old videos of us
playing football in high school,
the last time I was truly great at something.
- Come on now. That ain't true.
I mean, you done heard that nice thing Lisa done said about us.
We's the 3 stooges of bounty hunting!
And you can't have The Three Stooges
without your Curly.
- I'm Curly? Why aren't you the fat one?
- 'Cause, obviously, I'm the smart one!
Now, come on!
We're gonna need your profiling skills
if we're gonna find Lloyd!
- Look, at the audition,
he said he needs a haircut, right?
Go tell Amber to put a sign outside her shop saying:
"Free haircuts for longhaired men."
He's broke and hairy. He'll show up.
- That's perfect! Are you coming?
- Nah, I'd rather stay here and relive my past glories.
- You were a 4th-string fullback,
but hey, whatever floats your boat.
(Birds chirping)
- What do you need today, sugar?
- I want you to make me look like this.
- No problem!
Let me just get my plastic-surgery license
and I'll be back in 8 years!
- Ha ha! You're funny!
Now shut up and give me a haircut!
- Let me hand you over to our shampoo girl, Brenda.
- Hi, I'm Brenda!
Lean back a little bit, would ya, hon?
- Ow!
You won't be getting a tip!
- Oh, but you will...
- Whoa! - ...the tip of my beanbag gun!
- I thought you were an ugly dame,
but you're really an ugly dude!
Now you got me all riled up!
- Oh, dadgum! That's your catch phrase!
Do me a favour, say that again while I shoot some video.
- You're getting the 'roid rager!
- Ah! Ow!
That was awesome!
- I am tapping in for Brenda, and guess what.
I ain't starstruck.
- Damn!
- Amber, I hope you're getting this on video!
(Coughs)
- Hey, I think I just came up with a way
to help Bill out of his funk.
- As long as it don't involve chilli, I'm in!
- Lloyd, if you could help our friend out,
we could get you on every TV in the Skeeter Creek area.
- You'll need to get me that haircut first!
(Gun cocking)
I can work shaggy.
(Phone ringing)
- Hello? - Bill! Lloyd is out of control!
He's got us cornered in Amber's shop!
- (Larry): I'm so scared, I'm peeing myself!
I think I splashed a little on Jeff!
- (Jeff): Hurry, buddy! Now! NOW!
- Holy crap! I gotta get over there!
(Panting)
- Oh, man, Jeff! Larry! - Watch out!
(Roaring)
- What do I do?
- Hit him with the folding chair!
(Bill grunts)
- You finally made your first arrest!
- Yes!
This dirtbag's going away for a long, long time.
- "A long, long time"?
The deal's off!
I'm out of here!
- Don't worry. Big Bill is on it!
- Are you out of your mind? - He's gonna bust you open!
- My head!
That's where I keep my ideas!
You are so dead,
they're gonna have to hose you off the walls!
- Oh yeah? Well, I'd like to see you try--
(Bill choking, Lloyd roaring)
(Grunts)
(Screams)
(Both gasping)
- I'm about to smack down your face!
- Aaah! Ooh!
(Screaming)
- (Lloyd): My eyes!
- (Larry): Oh man!
You're like the Fantastic Sam of ***-whooping!
- Outstanding work, Bill.
- Tonight, the wild tale of this larger than life bandit,
brought to justice by a tiny wannabe bounty hunter.
- Why is he always calling me a wannabe?
I just nabbed 300 pounds of steroid-crazed muscle.
- Hey, there's Amber! I'm gonna go high-five my honey.
You mind holding my other special lady?
- Nice work, cowboy.
Why don't you come over to my place
and I'll let you go on a tropical safari.
Just a warning:
it's gonna be sticky, humid
and you might get attacked by a cougar.
(Growls)
(Bill yelps, Delmont grunts and moans)
- Right in the Boston baked beans!
(All laughing)
- Man, I love beans!
- That sure was cool, getting 'roid raged
by one of the best wrestlers!
- Are you kidding me?
Steroid Lloyd couldn't hold a candle
to that guy *** and the Stump.
The other guy'd be all worried about the fist,
and then: "Oh! Oh, crap! What's that?"
Mm-hmm! I'll tell you. It's the stump!
- Y'all do know that none of that wrestling stuff is real.
- You don't know nothing.
- Yeah, like a fake sport would have a move
called the barnyard brain-buster?
- Oh! Now that sounds like a cool move.
- Come here. I'll show it to you.
- Come on. Don't be idiots.
Wait, who am I talking to?
- I start by picking you up... - Hey!
(Grunting)
(Both grunt)
- See, Jeff? Would a fake sport make Bill pee blood tomorrow?
I don't think so.
- I am so convinced now.
- Hey, we won an argument!
Oh ho! Looks like you and me is master debaters.
- You know, I would make fun of that,
but sometimes, it's just too easy.
(Chuckles)
- Well, thanks for the ride.
- Yeah, no problem.
So I guess I'll be seeing you--
(Grunts)
Oh! You're so hot!
I can't believe I'm making out with Larry's little--
Oh crap! Larry!
You saw him at the bar.
If he finds out we're doing this, he'll kill me!
- Well, ain't some things worth dying for?
- I don't wanna die, but then again, you know,
I have not lived in such a long time!
(Both moaning)