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Julia: ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE NOW
OFFICIALLY A PRUNE, AND IT IS
WAY PAST YOUR BEDTIME.
WHAT'S THIS, HONEY? IS THIS
BLOOD?
Annie: IT'S A MOSQUITO BITE.
Sean: I THOUGHT WE KEPT THE
IBUPROFEN IN THE KITCHEN.
Julia: HONEY, MAYBE DADDY WOULD
LIKE TO SEE YOUR MOSQUITO BITE.
Sean: MY BABY'S GOT A BITE?
Julia: THERE'S SOME BLOOD ON HER
UNDERWEAR, SOME SPOTTING.
Sean: UH...HOW DID THE MOSQUITO
GET IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, HONEY?
Annie: I FORGOT. THEY'RE TORI'S
UNDERWEAR.
Sean: WHO'S TORI?
Julia: SUZANNE EPSTEIN'S
DAUGHTER. THEY'RE IN SCHOOL
TOGETHER. SWEETHEART, THESE ARE
YOUR UNDERWEAR. WE BOUGHT THEM
TOGETHER, REMEMBER?
Annie: OH...RIGHT.
Annie: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
Julia: OH...SWEETHEART. IT'S
JUST THAT, UH...YOU'RE STARTING
PUBERTY.
Annie: WHAT'S PUBERTY?
[MONITOR BEEPING]
Liz: LUNCHTIME LIPO ON A
HIGH-SCHOOL SENIOR--AMAZING.
Christian: NOBODY WANTS A
RAH-RAH GIRL WITH CELLULITE.
Sean: THE PATIENT'S AIMING FOR A
CHEERLEADING SCHOLARSHIP AT USF.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE LIVE IN A
WORLD WHERE SMOOTH THIGHS
MATTER.
Liz: WE SHOULD START OFFERING
LIPOSUCTION TO OVERWEIGHT
NEWBORNS, GET THOSE TUBBY
10-POUNDERS STARTED OFF RIGHT.
[BEEP]
THAT WAS A JOKE, FELLAS. YOU
BOTH LOOK LIKE SOMEONE JUST
STOLE YOUR FIRSTBORN.
Christian: WELL, THEY'RE
CERTAINLY TRYING. GINA TRACKED
DOWN WILBUR'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
A BLOOD TEST CONFIRMED
PATERNITY, AND NOW HE'S DECIDED
TO ALIGN HIMSELF WITH HER IN THE
CUSTODY HEARING.
Sean: 2 BIOLOGICAL PARENTS IS A
PRETTY STACKED DECK, CHRISTIAN.
[POUNDS TRAY, RATTLING]
Christian: A DRUNKEN HAPPY HOUR
HOOKUP DOES NOT GIVE THIS GUY
ANY MORAL ADVANTAGE OVER ME,
SEAN. BIOLOGICAL OR NOT,
WILBUR'S MY SON.
Sean: I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE
A POINT THAT BIOLOGICAL
REALITIES ARE PRETTY DIFFICULT
TO DISPUTE. CASE IN POINT: ANNIE
STARTED PREMENSTRUAL SPOTTING.
Christian: ANNIE'S 8, SEAN.
SHE'S TOO YOUNG FOR PUBERTY.
Sean: NOT WITH ALL THE BOVINE
GROWTH HORMONES RACING THROUGH
OUR MEAT AND MILK PRODUCTS. WE
LOOKED IN UP ON-LINE THIS
MORNING.
Christian: JESUS.
Sean: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE 15
YEARS TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR MY
LITTLE GIRL BECOMING A WOMAN.
SHE'S BARELY OUT OF PAJAMAS WITH
FEET. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Liz: GOOD JOB, GENTLEMEN. OUR
PATIENT DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER
13.
[MONITOR BEEPING]
♪ AHH ♪
♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ MAKE ME
A PERFECT SOUL,
A PERFECT MIND,
A PERFECT FACE,
A PERFECT
LIFE ♪
Suzanne: THE GIRLS LOVE A GOOD
PRINCESS EVENT. NOW, I HAVE 9
REGULAR CROWNS, AND THEN ONE
SPECIAL ONE TO CROWN OUR LITTLE
PRINCESS ***--ANNIE, IN THIS
CASE.
Julia: SUZANNE, ARE YOU SURE THE
PRINCESS THEME IS THE BEST WAY
TO INTRODUCE PUBERTY AND
***?
Suzanne: THIS IS MY FOURTH
PRINCESS *** TEA PARTY,
JULIA. TRUST ME. I KNOW WHEREOF
I SPEAK.
Julia: I JUST THOUGHT WE'D TAKE
A MORE EMPOWERING KIND OF
APPROACH.
Suzanne: OH, GET OFF THE HIGH
HORSE WITH ME, JULIA. THE LAST
TIME YOU TRIED THAT, YOU AND
YOUR PILATES TRANNY GOT BUCKED
BIG TIME. NOW, I AM HERE TO HELP
OUT BECAUSE ANNIE AND TORI ARE
FRIENDS, NOT BECAUSE I VALUE
YOUR OPINIONS. SWEETIE, I THINK
YOU NEED CONTACTS. I MEAN, YOU
MUST BE LEGALLY BLIND NOT TO
NOTICE HOW GOOD MY SKIN IS
LOOKING THESE DAYS.
Julia: I'M SORRY, SUZANNE. I
JUST ASSUMED YOU GOT SHOT UP
AGAIN WITH BOTOX.
Suzanne: I CANCELED MY STANDING
BOTOX APPOINTMENT ONCE I
DISCOVERED FLAXSEED OIL...
REVERSES THE AGING PROCESS.
TORI'S HORMONAL HORROR WAS A
SECRET MITZVAH FOR ME. WE
SWITCHED FROM HORMONE-LACED
MEATS AND DAIRIES TO ALL ORGANIC
FOODS, AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I LOOK
10 YEARS YOUNGER.
Julia: AND THIS, UH, ANTIAGING
DIET REALLY WORKS FOR THE WHOLE
FAMILY, I MEAN?
Suzanne: OH, HEALTHY FOOD IS THE
NEW PLASTIC SURGERY. WHO KNEW?
Christian: TELL ME WHAT YOU
DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF...
TODAY, MRS. GRUBMAN.
Mrs. Grubman: MY KNEES.
Sean: YOUR KNEES?
Grubman: THANKS TO
SCRUPULOUS DUE DILIGENCE, I HAVE
THE FACE AND BODY OF A WOMAN
HALF MY AGE. MY KNEES GIVE ME
AWAY. THEY'RE BONY, AND THEY SAG
LIKE A COUCH IN A CRACK DEN.
Sean: IF YOU'D LIKE TO TONE THE
VASTUS MEDIALIS, MRS. GRUBMAN,
I COULD RECOMMEND SOME
EXERCISES.
Grubman: OH, PLEASE. WHO HAS
TIME TO EXERCISE? YOU'LL DO A
TOUCH OF LIPO TO SMOOTH OUT THE
DIMPLING, THIN THE BONE, AND
THEN PLUMP IT ALL OUT WITH SOME
COLLAGEN. WELL, DON'T JUST SIT
THERE. PULL OUT THE APPOINTMENT
BOOK.
Christian: DO YOU LIE AWAKE AT
NIGHT DREAMING UP WAYS TO
TORTURE YOUR BODY AND US, MRS.
GRUBMAN?
Grubman: SPARE ME THE MORALISTIC
LECTURE DR. TROY. IF I WERE
PAYING, YOU'D HAVE ME ON THE
BOOKS FASTER THAN *** GOES
THROUGH A GOOSE.
Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, YOU'VE HAD
10 PROCEDURES IN THE LAST 6
MONTHS.
Grubman: IT'S UPKEEP.
Christian: AT THIS POINT, IT'S
PALEONTOLOGY.
Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, YOU HAVE A
PLASTIC SURGERY ADDICTION
PROBLEM.
Christian: CONSIDER THIS YOUR
INTERVENTION.
Grubman: OPEN THAT BOOK AND
SCHEDULE ME RIGHT NOW, DR. TROY,
OR I WILL TELL THE WORLD THAT
YOU LEFT AN INSTRUMENT IN MY
STOMACH DURING MY TUMMY TUCK
LAST YEAR.
Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, THE
THREATS NEED TO STOP.
Grubman: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE MY
WRATH, FELLAS.
Christian: OR WE WILL HAVE NO
CHOICE BUT TO LEAK THIS
APPOINTMENT BOOK AND ALL THE
MACABRE, SAD OPERATIONS THAT
YOU'VE LITERALLY FORCED US TO DO
AT KNIFEPOINT TO WOMEN'S WEAR
DAILY.
Grubman: I NEED THAT KNEE LIFT.
I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP WEARING
MINISKIRTS, NOT NOW, NOT THIS
SEASON! [SOBBING]
Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, I APOLOGIZE
IF OUR TOUGH-LOVE APPROACH HERE
WAS TOO TOUGH, BUT HONESTLY,
WE'RE JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR
BEST INTERESTS.
Grubman: THAT'S NOT WHY I'M
CRYING. MY DAUGHTER HAS CANCER.
30 YEARS OLD, AND SHE'S BEEN
DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE-3 BREAST
CANCER. IT'S IN THE LYMPH NODES.
Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, I'M SO
SORRY.
Grubman: I ASKED THE ONCOLOGIST,
"HOW COULD THIS BE? GRANDMOTHERS
GET CANCER, NOT DAUGHTERS."
HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW WHY. SHE
LIVES UNDER POWER LINES. SHE
TAKES BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS. SHE'S
ALWAYS ON HER CELL PHONE. YOU
EVER NOTICED HOW EVERYTHING
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO IMPROVE OUR
LIVES IS KILLING US? AND
ME--HEH! I'VE HAD MY GOOD YEARS.
BUT MY DAUGHTER IS A SINGLE
MOTHER. WHO'S GONNA RAISE LITTLE
ISABELLA? NOT THE WORTHLESS ***
WHO RAN OUT ON THEM. THAT LEAVES
ME. OH, GOD. YOU IMAGINE ME
RAISING A 4-YEAR-OLD? I'M TOO
*** OLD TO START OVER. I
MEAN--I MEAN, I'M 45.
Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, UNDER
THE CIRCUMSTANCES, DON'T YOU
THINK THIS, PERHAPS, COULD BE A
LESS-THAN-DESIRABLE TIME TO
SCHEDULE COSMETIC SURGERY?
Grubman: ON THE CONTRARY, DR.
TROY. WE ARE FACING A
MASTECTOMY, CHEMO, HAIR LOSS.
AND I SAY, "WE,"BECAUSE SHE'S
NOT THAT STRONG. I SPOILED HER
ROTTEN. SO CALL ME SHALLOW, CALL
ME PATHETIC, BUT BEAUTY IS MY
STRENGTH AND MY ARMOR, AND I OWE
IT TO MY GIRL TO LOOK LIKE A
MILLION *** BUCKS. AND
THAT'S HOW WE'RE GONNA GET
THROUGH THIS.
Sean: HOW'S THURSDAY AT 7:00?
[TOY SQUEAKS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
James: WE NEED TO TALK.
Christian: MY LAWYER HAS ADVISED
ME NOT TO TALK TO YOU.
James: HOW ABOUT IF I DO THE
TALKING? GINA'S HAD 292 ***
PARTNERS IN THE LAST 3 YEARS.
SHE'S NOT FIT TO BE THIS BABY'S
MOTHER.
[WILBUR COOS]
Christian: YOU WENT THROUGH HER
DIARY. JAMES, THAT'S NOT VERY
NICE.
James: SHE LEFT THE DAMN THING
OUT. I CAN'T LEAVE A DEFENSELESS
CHILD WITH THIS LADY.
Christian: YOU'RE TAKING HIM
BACK TO ARIZONA?
James: LISTEN, CHRISTIAN, I'VE
TRIED TO IMAGINE THE
CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE, WHERE
I TELL HER THAT AFTER 39 YEARS
OF MARRIAGE, I HAD A ONE-NIGHT
STAND AND NOW WE MUST RAISE
ANOTHER CHILD. I DON'T SEE THAT
CONVERSATION TAKING PLACE. YOU
LOVE THIS BABY. YOU SHOULD RAISE
HIM. I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU GET
CUSTODY.
Christian: MAY I?
James: YES.
Christian: OH...YES. I MISSED
YOU SO MUCH. I DID.
IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME GET
CUSTODY OF THIS BABY, JAMES...
GET ME THE DIARY.
James: I CAN DO THAT. THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEED TO KNOW.
SHE'S CALLING CHARACTER
WITNESSES TO DISCREDIT YOUR
REPUTATION.
Christian: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING
AT?
James: SHE'S TALKING TO SOMEONE
FROM YOUR PAST, A BLONDE LADY,
WITH A DISTURBING STORY ABOUT A
KNIFE. RING A BELL?
Christian: KIMBER. HER NAME IS
KIMBER.
Suzanne: ANNIE McNAMARA, WE
CROWN YOU "PRINCESS ***."
[JULIA CHUCKLES]
YOU ARE NOW PART OF A VERY
SPECIAL CLUB.
Annie: THANKS, MRS. EPSTEIN.
Suzanne: OK, ROYAL ONES, NOW
THAT WE'VE LEARNED ABOUT THE
CHANGES YOUR BODY WILL GO
THROUGH, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY.
Annie: DADDY.
Sean: HEY! OH-HO-HO-HO. I
DECIDED THIS WAS SOMETHING I HAD
TO SEE. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
Julia: HMM. WE'RE THRILLED,
AREN'T WE, GIRLS?
Suzanne: EXCUSE ME, JULIA.
THERE'S NEVER BEEN A MALE AT A
PRINCESS *** TEA BEFORE.
Sean: WELL, I'M HER PRINCE.
Annie: YEAH. DADDY CAN BE MY
PRINCE, MRS. EPSTEIN.
Suzanne: READY FOR THE STORY,
GIRLS?
ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE KINGDOM
OF ***, A PRINCESS WAS
PLAYING WITH HER HANDMAIDENS.
SHE HAD JUST BEGUN MENSTRUATING,
AND SHE WAS SHOWING THEM HOW TO
USE A *** AND A PAD, JUST
LIKE WE LEARNED TODAY. A PRINCE
JUST HAPPENED TO PASS BY, AND HE
THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, OHH, THIS
PRINCESS IS SO TOTALLY HOT!
[GIGGLING]
AND HE WENT UP TO HER AND SAID,
"HEY, BABY, I'M A PRINCE. LET'S
HANG."
[BEEP]
Christian: HEY, BABY, IT'S
CHRISTIAN. JUST CONFIRMING LUNCH
TODAY. I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AGAIN.
Suzanne: BUT THE PRINCE WAS
REALLY A WOLF.
Girls: OOH...
Suzanne: THE PRINCESS DIDN'T
CARE. SHE PUT ON A CUTE LITTLE
OUTFIT, AND OFF SHE WENT TO MEET
THE PRINCE, AND THE PRINCE TOLD
HER SHE LOOKED TOTALLY DOPE AND
LED HER TO HIS CRIB.
[GIGGLING]
Sean: WHERE IS SHE TAKING THIS?
Suzanne: "TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES,
PRINCESS," SAID THE PRINCE.
PRESSED UP AGAINST HIM, THE
PRINCESS FELT A HARD BULGE--
Julia: AND...THE PRINCESS
REPLIED, "YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE
A WOLF, NOT A PRINCE..."
Sean: "AND I DON'T PLAY WITH
LIARS, SO THERE, WOLFIE."
Julia: AND THEN THEY ALL PLAYED
MONOPOLY AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER
AFTER. JUICE AND GLUTEN-FREE
COOKIES ON THE TABLE.
Sean: SUZANNE, THAT WAS TOTALLY
OVER THE TOP.
Suzanne: WE WERE DOING JUST FINE
UNTIL YOU WALKED IN. YOUR
PRESENCE MADE THE GIRLS VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE, SEAN, AND I KNEW
THAT IT WOULD.
Sean: SUZANNE, I THINK I SPEAK
FOR JULIA AND MYSELF WHEN I TELL
YOU I DON'T WANT MY 8-YEAR-OLD
KNOWING GRAPHIC ***
INTIMACIES.
Suzanne: I GET IT. YOU WANT YOUR
BABY TO STAY AS INNOCENT FOR AS
LONG AS SHE CAN.
Julia: YES, WE DO.
Suzanne: WELL, NEWS FLASH,
JULIA. THOSE LITTLE ANGELS ARE
DRIPPING WITH HORMONES, AND IF
YOU DON'T THINK THE OLDER BOYS
CAN SMELL IT, THEN YOU AND YOUR
DAUGHTER ARE IN FOR A VERY RUDE
AWAKENING.
Annie: WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING?
Christian: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
Kimber: ALL RIGHT, CUT THE CRAP,
CHRISTIAN. I KNOW WHY YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME. YOU INVITED ME TO
LUNCH SO YOU COULD SWEET-TALK ME
INTO KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT AT
YOUR CUSTODY DEPOSITION. THAT'LL
NEVER HAPPEN. I'M STARVING.
LET'S ORDER.
Christian: WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU HAD A MEAL, SWEETHEART?
HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING CARE OF
YOURSELF? YOU LOOK A LITTLE--
Kimber: MY LIFE COULDN'T BE
BETTER, CHRISTIAN.
Christian: WHAT ARE YOU LIVING
ON SINCE YOU AND MERRIL SPLIT
THE SHEETS?
Kimber: THAT RELATIONSHIP WAS
TOTALLY HOLDING ME BACK. I'VE
BEEN TRANSITIONING INTO ACTING.
IT'S SO REWARDING TO DO MORE
THAN STAND THERE AND POSE. NOW I
GET TO STAND THERE AND SPEAK.
Christian: GOOD FOR YOU.
Kimber: OH, YOU'RE PATRONIZING
ME? YOU NEVER DID GIVE ME ONE
OUNCE OF CREDIT.
Christian: LOOK, I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT IT'S GONNA TAKE TO GET YOU
ON MY SIDE.
Kimber: A *** MIRACLE, FOR
STARTERS.
Christian: I CAN'T LOSE WILBUR,
KIMBER. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH.
Kimber: YOU COULDN'T LOVE
ANYBODY. YOUR HEART'S MADE OF
GRANITE.
Christian: YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BELIEVE THAT, BUT I'M A
DIFFERENT MAN NOW, SINCE I HAD A
KID. I LOOK AT HIM, KIMBER, AND
I JUST...I'M LOST. HIS LOVE IS
SO PURE AND UNCONDITIONAL. IT'S
LIKE HE'S OPENED UP MY HEART.
Kimber: WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME
LIKE THAT, CHRISTIAN? I WAS SO
GOOD TO YOU. I COULD STILL BE
GOOD FOR YOU. REMEMBER OUR SEX
TOGETHER? BABY, YOU SAID I WAS
THE BEST SEX YOU EVER HAD. WE
COULD LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN. WE
COULD TRY IT AGAIN, AND WHEN
YOU'RE WORKING, I COULD BE,
LIKE, YOUR MAID OR SOMETHING.
CAN'T YOU TRY AND LOVE ME AGAIN?
Christian: NO. I HAVE TO BE ABLE
TO LIVE WITH MYSELF NOW. I'M
WILBUR'S FATHER.
Kimber: EXCUSE ME.
***!
Woman: ♪ LOOKIN' FOR PILLS
AND DRAPERIES,
COSMOPOLITAN,
THE LADY'S LOOKIN'
FOR PILLS AND DRAPERIES,
PILLS AND DRAPERIES,
PILLS AND DRAPERIES,
FAVORS
DON'T SHOOT YOU AWAY LAST,
FAMOUS,
FROM THIS MOMENT,
YOU'RE FADED ♪
Woman: ♪MAKES QUITE A MORNING
COCKTAIL OF INSECURITY,
THE LONELINESS IS EXPECTED,
IF NOT PREDICTED ♪
Sade: ♪ SMOOTH OPERATOR,
SMOOTH
OPERATOR,
SMOOTH OPERATOR... ♪
Christian: WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG? YOUR STRAW GET CLOGGED?
Kimber: THE WHOLE WORLD ISN'T ON
YOUR TIME CLOCK, CHRISTIAN.
THERE WAS A LINE IN THE LADIES'
ROOM.
Christian: SEVERAL, I'M SURE.
Kimber: YOU GAVE ME A MIGRAINE.
WAITER, YEAH, COULD YOU GET ME
A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY?
Christian: GREAT. CHARDONNAY
OUGHTA PUT YOU RIGHT BACK ON
TRACK.
Kimber: FYI: I MET SOME MOVIE
PRODUCERS WHO THINK I'M THE
BOMB, AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO GET
INTO THE KIMBER HENRY BUSINESS.
Christian: JESUS, KIMBER.
Kimber: SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR
HOLIER-THAN-THOU *** AND
SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***, CHRISTIAN.
I'VE DECIDED TO TESTIFY AGAINST
YOU. YOU'RE GONNA GO DOWN ONCE
AND FOR ALL. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY
GOD. WHAT'S GOING ON? OH, MY
GOD. OH, MY GOD!
Julia: ADZUKI BEANS PURIFY THE
BLOOD AND FLUSH OUT TOXINS. THEY
ALSO HELP STRENGTHEN THE FEMALE
ORGANS, AND, ACCORDING TO
CHINESE FOLK WISDOM, THE ADZUKI
BEAN IS CONSIDERED A SOURCE OF
COURAGE THAT HELPS PEOPLE MEET
CHALLENGES BRAVELY.
Matt: YEAH, BUT WHERE DO I GET
THE COURAGE TO TAKE THE FIRST
BITE?
Sean: YOU'RE A BIG BOY, MATT.
JUST DO IT.
Annie: YOU FIRST, DAD.
Sean: IT'S QUITE TASTY, JULES.
[MATT SNICKERS]
Julia: OK, LOOK, ALL I'M ASKING
FOR IS A WEEK, ONE WEEK'S
COMMITMENT TO A NEW WAY OF
EATING THAT WILL BENEFIT ALL OF
US IN THE LONG RUN. ANNIE,
HONEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Annie: I THINK THIS SOUP TASTES
GROSS.
Julia: MAYBE I ADDED A LITTLE
TOO MUCH BREWER'S YEAST.
Matt: BREWER'S YEAST? THAT'S
WHAT PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS.
LOOK, I'M MAKIN' A GRILLED
CHEESE. ANYONE ELSE?
Sean: YOUR MOTHER'S GONE THROUGH
A LOT OF TROUBLE TO PREPARE A
DELICIOUS, HEALTHY FEAST. YOU'RE
NOT MAKING A GRILLED CHEESE
SANDWICH.
Julia: YOU'RE NOT MAKING A
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH BECAUSE
THERE'S NO CHEESE. DAIRY
PRODUCTS ARE LOADED WITH
HORMONES THESE DAYS, JUST LIKE
OUR MEAT AND OUR CHICKEN.
WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY.
Matt: "KAJIKI SEAWEED"?
"UMEBOSHI PASTE"? "FLAXSEED
OIL." LOOK, I'M SORRY, GUYS, BUT
I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EAT DOG
FOOD JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT LITTLE PRINCESS PUBES OVER
THERE.
Sean: MATT, SIT DOWN AND EAT
YOUR DINNER!
Matt: BY THE WAY, ANNIE, UNDER
THE HEADING OF "THINGS MOM MIGHT
NOT REMEMBER TO MENTION," DON'T
WEAR WHITE PANTS.
Julia: MATT.
Annie: WHY NOT?
Matt: WELL, THERE WAS THIS GIRL
IN THE SIXTH GRADE--BECKY
SLEDDICK. NOW, BECKY WAS WEARING
WHITE PANTS ON THE DAY SHE GOT
HER FIRST VISIT FROM AUNT FLO.
SHE HAD THIS BIG OL' BLOODSTAIN
ON HER BUTT: "BECKY BULL'S-EYE."
WE CALL HER THAT TO THIS VERY
DAY.
Annie: I DON'T WANT TO GET A
STAIN.
Julia: YOU'RE EXCUSED.
Sean: NO. STAY. I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU. ANNIE, GO START YOUR
HOMEWORK. WE'LL CHECK IN IN A
MINUTE.
Julia: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH
YOU?
Matt: I'M SORRY.
Sean: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A LITTLE
***.
Matt: LOOK, I JUST DON'T WANNA
EAT WEIRD *** FOR DINNER, OK?
YOU BOTH ARE SO HYPOCRITICAL,
ACTING LIKE IT'S ANNIE'S
HORMONES YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT,
WHEN THE TRUTH IS YOU'RE JUST
BEING NARCISSISTS. YOU'RE BOTH
JUST FREAKED OUT ABOUT GETTING
OLDER YOURSELVES. GOOD NIGHT.
Julia, chuckling: WELL, THAT WAS
A SUCCESS. TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'LL
HAVE SEAWEED AND SEE WHAT FUN
THAT UNLEASHES. MAYBE HE NEEDS
TO SEE A THERAPIST.
Sean: HE NEEDS TO BE TOLD TO
SHAPE UP.
Annie: SEAN, THIS HAS BEEN GOING
ON SINCE THAT WHOLE HENRY THING.
I THINK HE NEEDS TO TALK TO
SOMEONE, MAYBE AVA. MAYBE SHE
COULD HELP HIM TO OPEN UP A
LITTLE.
Sean: IF SHE CAN TEACH HIM THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ACCEPTABLE
AND UNACCEPTABLE WAYS OF
BEHAVING TOWARD ONE'S FAMILY,
THEN I'M ALL FOR IT.
BY THE WAY, I'M WONDERING
IF MATT WASN'T THE TINIEST
BIT RIGHT. IS THE NEW REGIME
FOR LITTLE GIRLS OR BIG GIRLS?
Christian: IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
HAD THESE IN YOUR PURSE. AHEM.
TILT YOUR HEAD BACK.
CONGRATULATIONS, KIMBER. YOUR
LITTLE COKE JAG HAS HOLLOWED OUT
YOUR SEPTUM AND EATEN A GOOD
DEAL OF YOUR NASAL CARTILAGE.
Kimber: SPEAK ENGLISH.
Christian: YOU GOT A HOLE IN
YOUR NOSE THE SIZE OF A QUARTER,
SWEETHEART. IT IS NOT A PRETTY
SIGHT, NOR ARE YOU. YOU LOOK
LIKE WEEK-OLD DOG ***.
Kimber: YOU KNOW WHAT,
CHRISTIAN? PEOPLE WERE TALKIN'
*** TO ME BEFORE THE DRUGS. I
AM TOO OLD. MODELS ARE DINOSAURS
AT 25. WELL, I'M AN ACTRESS. THE
OLDER I GET, THE MORE
INTERESTING I GET. SHARON STONE
WAS 32 BEFORE SHE HIT IT BIG.
Christian: SHARON STONE ALSO HAD
A NOSE. THE SOUND OF WIND
WHISTLING THROUGH HER BOMBED-OUT
NASAL PASSAGES DIDN'T DISTRACT
THE FANS.
YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT, KIMBER.
KEEP ON GOING LIKE THIS, AND
THERE'LL BE NO CAREER AND NO
PRINCE CHARMING TO CLIMB THE
TRELLIS AND SAVE YOU.
Kimber: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
DO? I HAVE NO MONEY.
I HAVE NO INSURANCE.
I'M SCREWED.
Christian: THEN TODAY'S YOUR
LUCKY DAY, SWEETHEART. PRINCE
CHARMING IS RIGHT HERE AND
OFFERING THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME.
I'LL REBUILD YOUR SEPTUM GRATIS,
AND YOU TELL GINA YOU WON'T
TAKE THE STAND.
WE'LL BOTH GET OUR DREAMS.
Rolling Stones: ♪ WHAT A DRAG IT
IS GETTING OLD ♪
[MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER
CONTINUES]
Liz: HAIR DYE. I READ THE DARKER
COLORS CAUSE NON-HODGKIN'S
LYMPHOMA.
Sean: DIET SODAS. JULES SAYS
THEY CONCENTRATE FORMALDEHYDE IN
THE FAT CELLS AND PREVENT WEIGHT
LOSS.
Liz: SHE'S ROCKY. HER BLOOD
PRESSURE'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.
WHAT ABOUT SURFING? THE
OCEAN IS FULL OF TOXIC WASTE,
WHICH CAUSES CANCER.
Christian: THE GAME IS "THINGS
PEOPLE DO TO STAY YOUNG, BUT
MAKE THEM OLD."
Liz: PEOPLE SURF TO STAY YOUNG.
YOU KNOW, AFTER THIS OPERATION,
GRUBMAN IS NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO
WALK FOR A MONTH, WHICH MEANS
SHE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO HELP
HER DAUGHTER WHEN SHE NEEDS HER
THE MOST. WE ARE PLAYING INTO
PURE NARCISSISM HERE.
Christian: WE'RE SURGEONS, LIZ,
NOT SHRINKS.
Sean: IS SHE STABILIZING?
Liz: I'M GIVING HER 10 CCs OF
EPHEDRINE.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]
Liz: HOLY ***! SHE'S IN V-FIB!
I'M GETTING THE CRASH CART.
Christian: 200 JOULES.
Sean: CHARGE AT 200.
Christian: CLEAR.
Sean: CHARGE AT 300.
Christian: CLEAR. COME ON,
MRS. GRUBMAN. CHARGE AT 360.
Sean: 360 CHARGED.
GIVE ME A DOSE OF EPI.
Christian: CLEAR!
200 MILLIGRAMS.
COME ON! YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE ON
ME, YOU CRAZY ***.
Christian: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
IF SHE DIES, SEAN?
Sean: DON'T MAKE OUT THE DEATH
CERTIFICATE JUST YET, CHRISTIAN.
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED IN THERE.
Claire: I KNOW WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED IN THERE.
YOU 2 MUTILATING MERCENARIES
OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR LICENSES
REVOKED.
Christian: YOU MUST BE CLAIRE.
I'M CHRISTIAN TROY.
Claire: WHAT DIDN'T YOU SAY NO?
SHE DIDN'T NEED ANY MORE WORK
DONE. HOW COULD YOU INDULGE HER?
TYPICAL. I GET CANCER, AND MY
OWN MOTHER HAS TO TOP ME. IF
THERE IS AN OUNCE OF NEGLIGENCE
ON YOUR PART, YOU WILL PAY.
Sean: HOW IS SHE?
Doctor: SHE SUFFERED A MASSIVE
INTRACEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE
EN ROUTE.
Claire: JUST TELL ME IF SHE'S
GONNA MAKE IT.
Doctor: SHE IS, BUT SHE SUFFERED
SOME PARALYSIS. HER SPEECH IS
PROBABLY GONNA BE SLURRED, SO BE
PREPARED. I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING
IN HER HISTORY THAT WOULD HAVE
CAUSED INCREASED BLOOD PRESSURE,
SO WE ORDERED SOME TESTS.
Sean: WE'RE VERY THOROUGH,
DOCTOR.
Doctor: I KNOW. IT'S NOT YOUR
DOCTORS' FAULT. THIS WOULD NOT
HAVE SHOWN UP ON THE PRE-OP
LAB WORK, BUT WE FOUND TRACES OF
PHENELZINE IN HER BLOOD. MAO
INHIBITORS, THEY DON'T MIX WELL
WITH ANESTHESIA, AS YOU KNOW.
Sean: AN ANTIDEPRESSANT? SHE
DIDN'T LIST THAT ON HER CHART OR
DURING HER PRE-OP INTERVIEW. WHY
WOULD SHE KEEP THAT A SECRET?
Claire: BECAUSE SHE JUST STARTED
TAKING THEM. SHE FELT A LOT OF
SHAME ABOUT THAT. IT ALWAYS
COMES DOWN TO VANITY WITH HER.
Christian: I IMAGINE THAT SHE
WAS TRYING TO BE STRONG SO SHE
COULD BE THERE FOR YOU.
Claire: NO, MY MOTHER, SHE
STARTED THE ANTIDEPRESSANT AT
LEAST A MONTH AGO, WAY BEFORE MY
CANCER EARNED ME A SPOT ON HER
"TO DO" LIST.
Christian: HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA
WHY SHE WAS DEPRESSED?
Claire: I WOULD THINK THAT YOU
COULD DIAGNOSE THAT IN YOUR
SLEEP, DOCTORS. GOD KNOWS YOU
MADE A FORTUNE OFF OF IT. MY
MOTHER WAS DEEPLY DEPRESSED
ABOUT AGING.
Liz: THE PERFECT 10 LOOKS LIKE
10 MILES OF BAD ROAD. WHAT
HAPPENED TO HER?
Christian: TIME HASN'T BEEN GOOD
TO KIMBER. NEITHER WAS I.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Julia: COME IN!
Matt: LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I
DON'T A--
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
Sean: YOUR SISTER'S NOT
FEELING WELL.
Julia: THIS IS INSANE. THEY
STILL HAVE ME ON HOLD.
Matt: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?
Sean: I'M NOT SURE WHAT WE'RE
DEALING WITH. HER FEVER'S GOING
UP. JULIA, HAND ME THAT BLANKET.
SIT UP, HONEY. WE'RE GONNA WRAP
HER UP AND TAKE HER TO THE E.R.
SHE'S GONNA NEED HYDRATING
ANYWAY.
Jeremy: BETWEEN HER BLEEDING
PARTY AND THE TRAVELOGUE OF
SEXCAPADES IN HER DIARY, WE HAVE
AN EXCELLENT CROSS-SECTION OF
INAPPROPRIATE *** PARTNERS.
Christian: JEREMY, I WAS DEAD
SERIOUS WHEN I SAID WHATEVER IT
TAKES. MY INTENTION IS TO BRING
THIS *** TO HER KNEES, WHICH,
IRONICALLY, HAPPENS TO BE HER
FAVORITE POSITION.
Jeremy: IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,
MR. SUTHERLAND.
James: RIGHT.
Christian: THANKS FOR COMING BY.
Jeremy: YOU GOT IT.
Christian: I GOT A GOOD FEELING
ABOUT THIS, JAMES. THIS GUY
SADLER'S TOUGH.
James: CHRISTIAN, IT MAKES ME
UNEASY TO HEAR YOU TALKING LIKE
THIS IN FRONT OF WILBUR. YOU
DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP
THINKING HIS MOTHER'S NOTHING
BUT A ***, DO YOU?
Christian: JAMES, I NEED YOU ON
BOARD HERE. LITIGATION'S
HARDBALL, AND I INTEND ON
WINNING.
James: I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT DO I KNOW?
HEY, GUY, COME HERE.
AH. AH.
BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
ASK YOU, WHAT IS YOUR RELIGIOUS
AFFILIATION?
Christian: WELL, JAMES, I WAS
RAISED CATHOLIC.
James: STILL GO TO CHURCH?
Christian: NO.
James: WELL, BEFORE I LEAVE,
I'D LIKE TO SEE MY SON BAPTIZED.
IS THERE A CHURCH YOU'D LIKE TO
DO IT IN?
[THERMOMETER BEEPS]
Doctor: HMM, 102. THIS IS NOT
GOOD. UM, I'M GONNA BEGIN
HYDRATION. WE'LL START HER ON
SOME COMPAZINE TO STOP THE
VOMITING.
Sean: I WANT A CAT SCAN.
Doctor: OH. I'LL GO ORDER
A CAT SCAN.
Sean: WHAT IS HE, 12?
Annie: AM I GONNA DIE?
Julia: NO, SWEETHEART. YOU'RE
NOT GONNA DIE. THIS IS JUST A
BAD FLU. CHEW ON THESE ICE
CHIPS, HONEY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
Annie: I CAN'T FEEL IT.
Julia: CAN YOU FEEL THIS?
Sean: CAN YOU FEEL THIS,
PRINCESS? HONEY, MOMMY'S GONNA
LOOK BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, OK?
EXTREMITY NUMBNESS IS A SYMPTOM
OF TOXIC SHOCK.
Julia: BEND YOUR KNEES, HONEY.
Annie: DON'T. I NEED IT.
Julia: WHY ARE YOU TRYING OUT
ONE OF MOMMY'S TAMPONS?
Annie: MATT SAID I WAS GONNA
LEAVE A STAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO
GET OLD AND BLEED.
Woman on P.A.: PAGING DR. DAMON.
DR. DAMON, PLEASE.
Grubman: OOH.
[GRUBMAN GRUNTS]
Christian: HELLO, MRS. GRUBMAN.
I CAME BY TO SEE HOW YOU'RE
DOING.
Grubman, slurred: LIAR. DON'T
WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA SUE YOU.
Christian: IS THIS, UH,
A BAD TIME?
Therapist: NO, NO. SHE COULD
USE A BREAK. COME ON.
Grubman: I'M NOT A CHILD!
Christian: SAW YOU LOOKED
GOOD ON THOSE BARS.
Grubman: WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?
I CAN'T WALK. CAN'T FEED MYSELF.
I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING
FOR ME, DR. TROY. FIX MY FACE.
Christian: THIS TIME, I CAN'T.
YOU'VE HAD NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE,
AND I CAN'T LIFT THAT, AND I
CAN'T REPAIR IT. I'M SORRY.
Grubman: WELL, THAT'S IT,
THEN. I'VE LOST THE RACE.
Christian: WHO WERE YOU
RUNNING AGAINST?
Grubman: TIME. HAND ME MY
PURSE, WOULD YA? JUST BECAUSE I
FEEL DEAD DOESN'T MEAN I
HAVE TO LOOK EMBALMED.
[COMPACT RATTLES]
Christian: HERE. LET ME HELP
YOU.
Grubman: YOU HAVE A BABY, RIGHT?
Christian: A BOY. HIS NAME IS
WILBUR.
Grubman: YOU LOOK LIKE A
KID WHEN YOU SAY HIS NAME. NOW
THE CHEEKS. WE'RE NOT THAT
DIFFERENT, YOU AND I.
DON'T MISS OUT ON HIS CHILDHOOD
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY
LOOKIN' IN THE MIRROR.
Christian: THERE. THAT'S MY
BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
Grubman: I NEED ONE MORE
SURGERY.
Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, I TOLD
YOU--
Grubman: NO, NOT FOR ME.
CLAIRE'S BREAST RECONSTRUCTION.
Christian: OF COURSE.
Julia: THERE WE ARE. THERE
WE ARE.
Annie: ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
Julia: NO, SWEETHEART.
I'M JUST SAD YOU WERE
SO SCARED OF GETTING OLDER.
Annie: ARE YOU SAD ABOUT GETTING
OLDER?
Julia: SOMETIMES. BUT, YOU KNOW,
THERE ARE SOME WONDERFUL THINGS
ABOUT GETTING OLDER, TOO.
Annie: REALLY? LIKE WHAT?
Julia: WELL, IF YOU'RE LUCKY,
YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OF WISDOM
SO YOU CAN HAVE NICE TALKS
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE WE'RE
HAVING NOW.
Annie: IS WISDOM WHY YOU CHANGED
OUR FOOD? IT WAS HORRIBLE, MOM.
MATT WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO
FELT THAT WAY.
Julia: WELL, THAT'S THE OTHER
THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER.
IT GETS A LITTLE EASIER TO ADMIT
YOUR MISTAKES. LET'S GET YOU
READY FOR YOUR BEDTIME STORY.
Sean: OK, ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A PRINCESS, AND SHE
LIKED THIS PRINCE, AND THEY
DECIDED TO GET MARRIED.
Annie: DID SHE WEAR
A WEDDING DRESS?
Julia: OH, YEAH. IT WAS
BEAUTIFUL, AND, UM, THEY HAD
A LOVELY CEREMONY, AND
AFTERWARD, THEY WENT ON A
HONEYMOON.
Annie: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
Sean: THEN THEY DECIDED TO MAKE
A BABY. SO HERE'S WHAT THEY DID,
WHICH IS WHAT GROWNUPS DO...
THE PRINCE PUT HIS *** IN THE
PRINCESSES' ***. AND THEY ALL
LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Director: CUT!
[BELL RINGS]
[CHURCH BELL TOLLS]
Priest: WILBUR, I BAPTIZE
THEE IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
AND THE SON AND THE HOLY
SPIRIT. AMEN. GOD THE FATHER
NOW ANOINTS YOU WITH THE CHRISM
OF SALVATION.
YOU HAVE BECOME A NEW CREATION
AND HAVE CLOTHED YOURSELF
IN CHRIST.
GO IN PEACE, WILBUR, AND MAY THE
LORD BE WITH YOU.
James: WHEN I WAS A KID,
MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO LIGHT A
CANDLE EVERY FRIDAY. SHE SAID
EVERY FLICKERING WICK STOOD FOR
AN UNANSWERED PRAYER.
Christian: WHAT DID YOU PRAY
FOR?
James: STRENGTH. IT'S WHAT I'M
GONNA NEED WHEN I TELL MY WIFE
AND SONS THAT I HAVE ANOTHER
CHILD.
Christian: I'D LIKE TO HOLD
MY SON NOW, JAMES.
James: HE'S NOT YOUR SON,
CHRISTIAN. HE'S MINE. THIS BIRTH
WAS GOD'S GIFT TO ME. THIS
CHILD HAS RENEWED ME.
HE MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG AGAIN.
Christian: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
JAMES, THAT YOU'RE TAKING
WILBUR HOME WITH YOU?
James: YES.
Christian: I WON'T LET THAT
HAPPEN.
James: IT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE,
CHRISTIAN. YOU CAN BE HIS
GODFATHER.
Christian: THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.
James: I'M SORRY, CHRISTIAN.
I AM DEEPLY SORRY.
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]