Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
-There's nothing more amazing than having vibrating metal
steel between your legs.
I mean, those *** *** *** drivers--
they thought they were going to have Stephanie's hard
nipples against their backs.
Instead, they had me and Harry's *** and balls on
their denim material.
And there's nothing better than having your *** and
balls leave an imprint on denim material while you're
doing the *** gay *** Titanic pose.
It's amazing.
So anyways, we're in Zhengzhou.
It's a big town for transportation.
All the trains come through here.
We're going to go down the street and get some food.
OK, let's go.
Ask them where the other people that look
like him hang out.
Damn, fool.
Ancient Chinese style.
I got to make my man look good for the Chinese girls.
That's a good one.
Yeah, we're not looking for fine.
We need it to be awesome.
That one looks better.
You like it?
That's good?
Would you *** him?
-Sexy.
-This one?
You like this haircut?
Let's do it.
This might be the winner.
-Is this it?
-This might be it.
This might be the way to go, right?
Harry's already cute, and the dog is cute.
Cute on cute.
-Aw, you are so cute.
-It's getting better.
It's getting better.
Let's try this guy.
Oh, is that [INAUDIBLE].
Yeah, dude--
-Is that my style?
-This is the Chinese style.
I think the girls appreciate this one.
And if it doesn't work out, you can eat him for dinner.
It sucks to feel like an alien no matter where you go.
Harry's been to almost every Asian country.
He lives in America.
[? You never ?] feel at home.
Everywhere he goes, outcast.
He goes to Africa; they've never seen
Asian people before.
He goes to *** China.
Everyone here looks like him.
Or am I not seeing something?
But I think he looks like everyone else.
They look at this guy like he's a
*** alien or something.
[INAUDIBLE] want to cry right now, dude.
-It's you.
-Dude, I'm so *** bummed out for you.
China's like a 1950s America with freeways being built,
small towns--
these little empty towns being built everywhere.
And Harry's like the Filipino Michael J. Fox coming back
from the future.
And the people out here--
they don't understand him yet.
They don't appreciate it.
But their kids will.
We started our trip here in Beijing.
This is all of China.
Me and Harry, we don't speak the *** language.
We don't know where we are.
We don't know where we're going.
I guess we're look at this right now, and we went into
inner Mongolia.
And now we're in--
how you say that?
Zhengzhou, in the Henan territory.
And we're trying to cross the entire country.
So we're trying to either get to Hong Kong, Macau, any of
these countries down here.
What do you think?
What do you think we should do?
-I think we should go to the coastline to Shanghai and then
go south right here.
Beaches, ***, dark skin, good food.
What do you think?
-That sounds good.
I like that.
-I want to go this way.
-Why the *** you want to go that way?
-I like the squiggly line right here.
-What about *** and beaches?
-Harry, if we go that way, Stephanie knows people.
All her friends are super ***.
I heard their music's good.
They got the hairy crab there.
They got the soup dumplings.
-Hairy crab.
-And you want to go this way 'cause the line--
-I want to go this way.
-'Cause the line's squiggly.
-'Cause I like the squiggly line.
-What squiggly line?
What?
-You want to go this way 'cause the line's squiggly.
-Yeah, I want to go this way.
I want go that way.
Yeah, 'cause, yeah.
-You're splitting up the team.
-It's Shanghai or bust.
-I mean, I'm sorry.
I mean, if Harry wants to go that way, it's
got to be bros versus--
you know, bros come--
-You just said [INAUDIBLE].
-Bros come before hoes.
I'm sorry.
But listen, you're--
-Always get your *** way.
-I *** heard you.
You were talking to your boyfriend last
night on the telephone.
You're going back 'cause you want to see your boyfriend.
-I have boyfriends in every *** city.
Give me a *** break.
I'm a big girl now.
-No, no, no.
Let's not end this angry.
If you come with us, there will be action, adventure
around every corner.
It might not be the most exciting way.
But if you go back--
I can see it in your eyes.
You're going to go back to work.
You want to see your boyfriend.
I understand that.
I understand that.
But you will regret it for the rest of your life.
-I said go coastal.
I'm going coastal.
-Listen.
Listen, listen, listen.
Come here.
If that's the way you want to go, we'll just
let you go that way.
And we've had an amazing adventure so far.
We've seen and done things.
When you're back to your regular life in Shanghai,
you'll regret not being on the road with me and Harry.
Guaranteed, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
But it's your life.
It's your prerogative You can do what you want.
So god bless this trip so far.
And please look out for us for the rest of this
trip, on this journey.
I'm sure our paths will cross again one day.
I love the both of you.
But in the end, I choose Harry.
I'm sorry.
You're going to be all right?
All right.
Group hug.
-Bye, Stephanie.
-Love you guys.
-Love you too.
-Love you too.
-I want to fist you both.
-[LAUGHTER]
-All right, I'll see you later.
Dude, your sister's starting to look kind of cute, man.
-Yeah.
-Dude, you *** her, huh?
You *** her, dude.
Let's get out of here.
[LAUGHS]
-The road is like a woman.
It's very temperamental.
It's very moody.
One day it can be like a cold hard ***, make you sleep on
the couch, don't let you hang out with your friends.
And sometimes, she can be the most kindest, loving--
make you a homemade apple pie and leave it on the windowsill
for you, and draw you a bath, scrub your ***
and balls for you.
Give you a *** as you come out of the shower.
-Love you guys.
-Love you too.
-Love you too.
-I want to fist you both.
-We lost a family member today.
And it's back to the old team-- me and Harry, which is
sort of exciting.
But then at the same time, we've been extremely spoiled
on this trip.
We had a woman with us, Harry's sister.
And we never waited longer than five minutes, maybe no
longer than three minutes for a ride.
If you're a woman, you will never, ever in your life have
a problem getting picked up.
However, 99.9 percent of the people that pick you up will
either be thinking of doing horrible things to you or try
to do horrible things to you.
So it's good to have a guy with you.
I guess that's the sucky part of having ***, 'cause guys
are such perverts and creeps.
But we love you, Stephanie.
Let's get out of here.
Hello.
Ni hao.
Hello.
-[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
-Someone lives here?
-Ah.
-Ah.
We just stayed on the roof tonight.
So sorry for--
I didn't see you last night.
We just sleep a little bit.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
-[INAUDIBLE]
-And wow, this is crazy.
-Harry doesn't know what anyone's saying to him.
I know what you're thinking, dude.
She's way too young for you, dude.
-But she could always *** my head.
[CHUCKLES]
-Bye bye.
This is what I'm talking about.
Like even in all the zombie towns where it's abandoned,
there's like always like one person somewhere.
It's like, I don't know how many times we've been caught
taking a *** or *** on this trip.
Still in Zhengzhou.
We're going to try to head south and hit Wuhan today.
And I guess the reason why we're going to do that is
because it's a squiggly line, and Wuhan
falls on that squiggle.
We're going to put some work in.
Come on, Harry.
Do it like you want it.
Oh!
Get your bag.
Get your bag.
All right.
That's Harry.
That's me.
That's us floating down the Yangtze River.
Deja vu.
It's not just the place where you can see naked ladies.
It's also the feeling I'm having right now.
I'm getting older.
My memory's not so good.
I don't remember what I did yesterday.
I don't remember what I did the day before yesterday.
But what I do remember is a few years ago, me and my man
Harry, we floated down the Mississippi River.
And I will never, ever forget that for the rest of my life.
If I had died on that river, I would have lived a good life.
But I'm alive and I'm still going.
And now we challenge China and this great Chinese adventure.
Pumping up our boat?
-That's right.
-I'm with my man Harry.
What else do I got to say?
[INAUDIBLE] the Yangtze River.
It's the third largest river in the entire world.
It starts in Tibet.
It invades every orifice of China-- the mouth, the ***,
the ***.
And then it empties out into the East China Sea.
Every single person we talked to said, once again, we're the
biggest *** idiots.
It's super dangerous.
There's huge barges and *** going down near the city.
There's sinkholes.
All right, everyone say hello our cameraman.
Me and Harry's fat *** are filling out the weight on this
tiny vessel to maximum capacity.
So we're going to film our own ***, and hopefully we'll see
you alive and well in the next city.
Thumbs up, China.
Bye.
We got dropped off in [INAUDIBLE] outskirts of Wuhan
from Zhengzhou.
The air quality in China's *** horrible.
So I don't know if you can even see this, but it looks
like there's the city.
As you can see how everyone said this
was a dangerous river.
I mean, I guess it is dangerous 'cause there's all
this giant metal claws and big boats and *** around our
tough exterior boat.
But there's absolutely no *** current.
Me and Harry are cruising along at zero miles per hour.
Hopefully, we can hitch a ride on one of these little boats
and go a little bit faster, but we'll see.
Let's just try to get to this island right here.
[LAUGHS]
This guy's like you *** morons.
[LAUGHS]
There's his wife, echoing his sentiment.
You *** moron idiots.
[LAUGHS]
How's it feel, Harry, being back on the river?
-It feels good.
Feels a little different, though.
-It's a pretty ugly river.
-Yeah, nasty.
-There's *** loud *** ducks.
Uhh!
Uhh!
-Err!
Err!
-We just docked our Challenger 2 on this little island.
We're going to just chill here for a second and then try to
get closer in.
Hey, Harry, you ever have geese before?
Just creep up on them.
Let's try to *** eat one for dinner.
-Yeah, I'm hungry.
-Get 'em, Harry!
Go!
Get one!
Get the big one!
[BARKING]
Oh, ***.
Hey, Harry, watch out, dude.
Dude, what happened, man?
-They got away this time.
-Oh dude, watch out, man.
Here, come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on, dude.
[LAUGHS]
-Oh man.
[ELECTRONIC GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS]
I totally *** with those ***.
They're getting so pissed.
[INAUDIBLE] *** with my *** [INAUDIBLE].
[BARKING]
[ELECTRONIC GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS]
-That's your geese, dude.
-Huh?
-That's your geese.
Oh ***.
-Oh dude.
You're in trouble, bro.
Mm.
Let's go talk to them.
-[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
-We were hungry.
Sorry, we didn't know they were your geese.
We were just trying to get the little geese.
-[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
-I know.
My man--
when he's hungry, he can't stop himself.
How should we explain this to them?
OK, this is your boat right here?
Your boat.
That's your boat.
This is our boat.
Little boat.
We will give you our boat if you give us a
ride on your boat.
-[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
-This boat we'll give to you if you give us a
ride on your boat.
OK?
Yeah!
Here, let's just put this boat on their boat.
-OK.
-The best ride we've ever gotten.
Thank you.
Say bye to our friend in the hot pink.
Say goodbye to our friend, the little doggy.
Our speed just picked up about 1,000 percent.
We just upset the *** out of these people by attacking
their geese, but then we told them that we would give them
our futuristic boat.
And so they have agreed to take us into the city.
Once again, life does not get better than this.
I'm with my man Harry.
I would have much rather been with his wife with the hot
pink blouse, but she wanted nothing to do with us, and now
we're with this salty old ***.
We're speeding down the river.
Life is good.
Catch you later.
-Oh, we're slowing down.
-Looks like his boat's having some technical difficulties.
-What's he looking for?
-I don't know.
Stay out of his way, though.
Oh, gas.
-He ran out of some gas.
***, man.
If his boat breaks down, he'll be riding the Challenger into
shore with us.
I don't think there's room on there for three of us.
Can you swim?
-All right.
-I don't understand anything this guy's said to us so far.
He still gave us the ride even though he
*** hates our guts.
Looks like we're in a pretty industrious area, and there's
all these apartment buildings and *** being built over
there, so I'm guessing we're in Wuhan.
I can't be sure.
-Xie xie.
Xie xie.
-Bye bye.
-Bye.
-Hey, look at that, dude.
We got a smile at the end of the ride from
our salty old friend.
He wasn't such an *** after all.
Well, actually, you were the ***.
-Yeah.
-We just gave him our futuristic boat craft, and now
we're in *** Wuhan.
Look.
We finally found some graffiti in China.
I can't read what it says, but I think it's graffiti.
Yeah, Harry.
-Trying out my new guitar here that I just bought, 'cause I'm
in (RAP SINGING) ching chong, China, ripping a ***.
-Harry, that's your bro, brother
from a different mother.
[LAUGHS]
All right.
Dude.
-[GIGGLES]
That was--
wow.
-Me and Harry jamming by the river.
Thumbs up, China.
Love you.
[GUITAR]
Thumbs up, everybody.
I got a little bit of bad news.
We just got to the city Wuhan.
It's a big city.
It's like one of the big cities after
Shanghai and Beijing.
We're trying to track down our cameraman.
We're trying to track down--
Harry just ***--
Jesus Christ, man.
I went to the bathroom for one second, and Harry disappeared.
I don't know where he is.
He doesn't have a phone.
There's no way to get a hold of him.
I just--
***, man.
I *** hate that guy, man.
He just pisses me--
All right, hold up.
I'm going to find him.
Don't worry, everybody.
We'll get him back.
We'll check every eatery and the *** around here, and
hopefully we'll be able to find him.
I don't know where he is.
I don't know where he could be.
***.
Harry!
Harry!
Where the *** are you, man?
Every time I get to a good place with this guy, he does
something to *** it up.
You know what I mean.
If me and Harry were a gay couple-- if we were--
I would have divorced or broken up.
We would be the make up, break up couple.
I mean, we just had an amazing day on the river.
Our cameraman called.
We were going to meet up with him.
And the guy just--
you can't keep track--
the guy's like a--
but then you can't get mad at him either, 'cause he lacks
common sense.
He's like a dog.
You can't get mad at a dog.
He's like a little cute puppy that's really disgusting and
gross sometimes.
It started raining right as we lost Harry.
We found out he--
this ***--
we got a strange call from a strange phone
number from this girl.
He's at the roof of a love hotel in Wuhan.
So we're heading there now.
[SIGHS]
Wish us luck.
Come on, come on.
[INAUDIBLE].
[DOOR SLAMS]
Harry is a *** animal.
So we are about a week into the trip.
We're halfway through our destination.
Harry ditches me today.
We have the cameraman.
Everyone on the crew's looking for Harry all day today.
He met this nice girl Sheeka.
This is Sheeka, everyone.
They had an awesome time today.
And I guess halfway through their wonderful day together,
a dude shows up.
Turns out it's her ***.
And he's not happy that she went missing too.
But Harry has a way with women.
The situation was Harry was smaller than the dude.
The guy was a *** ***, a total monster.
*** all his other girls have like cigarette
burns out on them.
I told him, look.
I will give you $1,000 of US money if you beat the *** out
of my friend.
And if my friend beats the *** out of you, then you have
to let her go and come with us.
He said *** no problem.
We found a spot, and Harry *** pummeled
the *** out of him.
We don't want to go to jail.
I don't want to go to jail.
I've already been there.
I don't want to see what a Chinese prison looks like, so
we're going to go against Thumbs Up policy
for one night tonight.
I hope you forgive us.
And we are going to stay in the cameraman's room and try
to put all the pieces together and figure out what happened,
where to go from here.
This is sort of worse than bringing a stray dog home.
I don't know what your plans are, Harry, for taking care of
her or what.
But she seems to speak a little bit of English, so that
is awesome.
And I guess we'll just--
you all right, dude?
-Yeah.
-For real?
-Yeah.
-All right, thumbs up for tonight.
We'll catch up with you guys tomorrow.