Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Come on, Emory. Punch in.
( dialing )
( thunder rumbling, rain falling )
Can I have the number in the Bronx
for a Delbert Botts, please?
A Delbert Botts. How many can there be?
I wish I hadn't called now.
EMORY: No, the residence number, please.
( sighs )
Tha-- Thank you.
I wish information would stop calling me "ma'am."
( chuckles )
By all means,
scribble all over my telephone.
Comes off with a little spit.
Like a lot of things.
LARRY: Who in the hell
is Delbert Botts?
He's the one person I've always loved.
That's who you said to call, isn't it?
That's right, Emory Board.
Look, how could you love anybody with a name like that?
Yes, Emory. You couldn't love anybody
with a name like that.
It wouldn't look good on a place card.
Isn't that right, Alan?
I admit his name is not so good,
but he's absolutely beautiful.
At least he was when I was in school.
Of course, I haven't seen him since,
and he was about seven years older than I, even then.
Christ, you'd better call him quick before he dies.
I've loved him ever since the first day
I laid eyes on him...
which was when I was in the fifth grade
and he was a senior.
And then he went away to college,
and by the time he got out,
I was in high school, and he had become a dentist.
A dentist?
Yes. Delbert Botts, D.D.S.
He opened his office in a bank building.
So you went and had every tooth in your head pulled out, right?
( Larry and Harold laughing )
No, I just had my teeth cleaned, that's all.
( Larry laughing )
I shouldn't have called.
Bernard, will you shut up and go take
your boring, sleep-making icks somewhere else?
I remember I looked right into his eyes
the whole time.
Kept wanting to bite his fingers.
Well, it's absolutely mind-boggling.
Phyllis ***.
It absolutely boggles the mind.
Alan.
Thank you, Donald.
Sara Samaritan.
EMORY: I told him I was having my teeth cleaned
for the junior-senior prom,
for which I was in charge of decorations.
I told him it was a celestial theme,
and I was cutting stars out of tinfoil,
and making clouds from angel's hair
and chicken wire.
Mary, it takes a fairy to make something pretty.
He was engaged to this stupid-*** girl named Loraine,
whose mother was truly Supercunt.
Don't digress.
Anyway, I was a wreck.
I mean, I was a total mess.
Finally, I called him on the telephone
and asked him if I could see him alone.
Clearly not the coolest of moves.
He said okay and told me to come by his house.
I was so nervous this time, my voice was shaking
and my hands were unsteady.
I couldn't even look at him.
I just stared straight ahead in space
and blurted out why I'd come.
And I asked him to be my friend.
Shh!
He said he'd be glad to be my friend.
And any time I wanted to see him or call him
to just call him and he'd see me.
Shook my trembling wet hand, and I left on a cloud.
One of the ones you made yourself?
And the next day I went out and bought him
a gold-plated cigarette lighter,
and had his initials monogrammed on it.
And I wrote him a card that said,
"From your friend, Emory."
Seventeen years old
and already big with the gifts.
And the night of the prom I found out.
Found out what?
I heard Loraine and another girl I knew giggling together.
Pretty soon everyone at the dance had heard about it.
They were all laughing and making jokes.
Everyone knew I had a crush on Dr. Delbert Botts
and that I asked him to be my friend.
And what they didn't know was that I loved him.
And that I'd go on loving him years after
they had all forgotten my funny secret.
Well, I for one, need an insulin injection.
Don't, Emory.
Since when are you telling him what to do?
What do I care? I'm pissed. I'll do anything three times.
I said call him.
Don't. You'll be sorry. Take my word for it.
What have I got to lose?
Your dignity. That's what you've got to lose.
Well, that's a knee-slapper.
I love your telling him about dignity,
when you allow him to degrade you constantly
by Uncle Tomming you to death.
He can do it, Michael.
I can do it. You can't do it.
I don't like it from him.
I don't like it from me.
I do it to myself, and I let him do it.
I let him do it because it's the only thing that,
to him, makes him my equal.
( in Southern accent ): You all want to hear
a polite little parlor jest from the liberal Deep South?
You know why nigras have such big lips?
'Cause they're always going:
( blubbering lips )
Jesus Christ, Michael!
LARRY: Michael, why don't you lay off.
And I can do without your *** spit
all over my telephone,
you nelly coward.
I may be nelly, Michael, but I'm no coward.
( dialing phone )
Mm, it's busy?
Loraine is probably speaking to her mother.
Oh, yes. Delbert married Loraine.
Well, I'm sorry. We can't wait.
You forfeit your turn.
Well, you're not wasting any time.
( thunder rumbling )
Who are you calling?
I refuse to forfeit my turn.
It's my turn and I'm taking it.
That's the spirit, Emory.
Hit that iceberg. Don't miss it!
Hit it, *** it!
I want a smash of a finale!
God, I'm drunk.
A falling-down drunk nelly queen.
Well, that's the pot calling the kettle beige.
I am not drunk!
You cannot tell that I am drunk.
( phone dialing )
Donald, I'm not drunk, am I?
I'm drunk.
So am I. I'm a major drunk.
Shut up and dial.
I'm a major drunk of this or any other season.
It's ringing.
It's no longer B.Y.
Hello, who's speaking?
Who?
Dr. Delbert Botts.
Two points.
Del, is this really you?
Nobody.
You don't know me.
You wouldn't remember me.
I'm just a friend.
Falling-down drunken friend.
Hello?
He hung up.
Three points total.
You're winning.
He said I must have the wrong party.
He's right.
We have the wrong party.
It's your party, Hallie.
Aren't you having a good time?
Simply fabulous.
What about you?
You having a good time, Emory?
Are you having as good a time as you thought you would?
MICHAEL: If you're bored, Harold,
we could sing "Happy Birthday" again
to the tune of "Hava Nagila."
Not for all the tea in Mexico.
My turn now.
No, it's my turn to call Charlie.
Nope. Let me.
You gonna call Charlie?
The score is three to two.
Don't, Hank.
Don't you see Bernard was right?
I want to.
Larry.
Be my eager guest.
Is he gonna call Charlie for you?
Charlie is all the people I cheat on Hank with.
"With whom" I cheat on Hank.
The butcher, the baker,
Right.
I love 'em all.
And what Hank refuses to understand
is that I've got to have them all.
I'm not the marrying kind, and I never will be.
Gypsy feet.
Did it ever occur to you
that Hank might be doing behind your back
the same thing that you do behind his?
Oh, I wish to Christ he would.
It would make life a hell of a lot easier.
Who are you calling?
Whoever it is, they're not
sitting on top of the telephone.
Oh, uh, they must have been in the tub.
Eighty-six. One point.
I'd like to leave a message please.
Not in?
One point.
HANK: Would you say that Hank called?
Yes, it is.
Oh. Good evening.
How are you?
Oh, who the hell is that?
Yes, that's right. The message is for my roommate, Larry.
Would you just...say that I called?
It's our answering service.
Said, "I love you"
Hank, are you crazy?
You didn't hear me incorrectly,
that's what I said.
The message is for La, and it's from me, Hank,
and it's just as I said, "I love you."
Thank you.
Seven points total.
You're way ahead, Hank, baby.
You're way ahead of everybody.
Why, Hank? Why did you do that?
I do love him.
And I don't care who knows it.
Don't say that.
Why not?
It's the truth.
I can't believe you.
I left my wife and family for Larry, Alan.
I'm really not very interested in hearing about it.
Sure you are.
Go on, Hankola, tell him all about it.
No, I don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.
Some men do it for another woman.
Well, I can understand that. That's norm.
Well, it just doesn't always
work out that way, Alan.
No matter how much we might want it to.
God knows, nobody ever wanted it to
more than I did.
I mean, I really and truly believed
I was in love with my wife when I married her.
It wasn't entirely my trying
to prove something to myself.
No, I didn't...
love her. She loved me. But, uh...
there was always that something there.
Always?
I don't know.
I suppose so.
I've known what I was since I was 4 years old.
I don't know when it was
that I first started admitting it to myself.
For a long time, I either...
labeled it something else or..
denied it completely.
MICHAEL: Christ, was I drunk last night.
But there did come a time
when I just couldn't lie to myself anymore.
I thought about it.
But I never did anything about it.
I think...
the first time I ever really did anything about it
was...during my wife's last pregnancy.
There was a, uh...
teacher's meeting here in New York.
My wife didn't feel up to the trip,
so I said I would come alone.
That day on the train, I started to think about it.
And think about it, and...
think about it.
The whole trip I didn't think about anything else.
Within 15 minutes after I had arrived,
I'd picked up a guy in the men's room
of Grand Central Station.
Jesus.
I'd never done anything like that in my life before.
I was scared to death.
But he turned out to be a nice fellow.
I haven't seen him since, of course.
And the funny thing is...
I can't remember his name anymore.
( laughs )
Anyway, after that, it got easier.
Practice makes perfect.
And then, not too long after that,
Larry and I met at a party
that my wife and I had come into town for.
EMORY: Then your real troubles began.
You know that was--
Was nearly two years ago.
Why am I always the *** villain in the piece.
If I'm not thought of as a happy-home wrecker,
I'm an impossible son of a *** to live with.
Guilt turns to hostility.
Isn't that right, Michael?
Go stick your tweezers in your cheek.
I'm fed up to my teeth with everybody
feeling so *** sorry for poor shat-upon Hank.
Oh, Larry. Everybody knows you're Freda Fickle.
Look.
I've never made any promises, and I don't intend to.
It's my right to lead my sex life
without answering to anybody.
Hank included.
And if those terms are not acceptable,
then we must not live together.
Numerous relations is a part of the way I am.
You don't have to be gay to be wanton.
By "the way I am," I don't mean "being gay."
I mean my *** appetite.
And I don't think of myself as a wanton.
Oh, Emory, you're the most promiscuous person I know.
I'm not promiscuous at all.
( clears throat )
By design.
Who would want to go to bed with a flaming little sissy like you?
BERNARD: Michael.
Who'd make a pass at you?
I'll tell you who, nobody.
Except some fugitive from the Braille Institute.
Why do you let him talk to you that way?
"Physical beauty isn't everything."
Thank you, Quasimodo.
Do you know what it's like living with the *** gestapo?
I can't breathe without getting the third degree.
Larry, it's your turn to call.
You know, I can't take all this
let's-be-faithful-and-never- look-at-another-person routine,
because it just doesn't work.
If you want to promise that, fine.
Then you do it and you stick to it.
But if you have to promise it, as far as I'm concerned,
nothing finishes a relationship faster.
Give me Librium or give me ***.
Yeah, freedom, baby. Freedom.
You gotta have it.
It-- It just doesn't work any other way.
Oh, and the ones who swear their undying fidelity are lying.
Well, most of them: 90 percent of them anyway.
They cheat on each other constantly
and lie through their teeth.
Well, I'm sorry, I can't be like that,
and it drives Hank up the wall.
Yeah, well, there is that 10 percent, Larry.
Well, the only way that stands a chance
is with some sort of an understanding.
Yeah, well, I've tried to go along with that.
I agreed to an agreement.
Your agreement.
What agreement?
A ménage.
Oh, now, look, I know a lot of people think that's the answer.
They don't consider that cheating.
But it's not my style.
Well, I certainly never wanted it.
Well, then who suggested it?
Well, it was a compromise.
And you agreed!
I didn't agree to anything.
You agreed to your own proposal and informed me that I agreed.
Uh, I don't understand.
What's a me--
A ménage à trois, baby.
Two's company, three's a ménage.
Well, it...
works for some.
Well, I'm not one for group therapy.
I can't relate to anything or anyone that way.
I'm old-fashioned. I like 'em all,
but I like 'em one at .
And did you like Donald as a single side attraction?
Yes, I did.
So did I, Larry.
Did you tell him?
No.
It was obvious from the moment you walked in the door.
What was this song and dance about never having met
but having seen each other?
It was true.
We saw each other at the baths and went to bed together,
but we never spoke a word, and we--
We never knew each other's names.
You had better luk than I do.
If I don't get arrested,
my trick announces on departure
that he's been exposed to hepatitis.
What kind of an understanding do you want?
Respect for one another's freedom.
With no need to lie or pretend.
Hank, in my own way, I love you.
But you've got to understand that even though I do want to
go on living with you, that sometimes there may be others.
Now, I don't want to flaunt it in your face,
and I know if it ever happens,
I'll never mention it to you.
But if you ask me, I'll tell you.
BERNARD: He gets points.
What?
He said it.
He said I love you to Hank, he gets the bonus.
He didn't call him.
Uh, he called him. He just didn't use the telephone.
MICHAEL: Then he doesn't get any points.
He gets five points.
He didn't use the *** telephone!
He doesn't get a *** thing.
( phone ringing )
Hank. It's for you.
Hello.
One point.
Hello, Hank.
Two points.
This is Larry.
Two more points.
For what it's worth...
I love you.
Five points bonus.
I'll try.
I will too.
Larry's the winner.
( thunder rumbling )
Well, that wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.
( door closes )
The game isn't over yet.
Your turn, Alan.
Pick up the telephone, buster.
Michael, don't.
You keep out of this.
You don't have to, Alan.
You don't have to.
Emory, I'm sorry for what I did before.
Oh, forget it.
Forgive us our trespasses.
Christ, now you're both joined at the *** hip.
You can decorate his house for him, Emory,
and he can get you out of jail the next time you're arrested
on a morals charge.
Who are you gonna call, Alan?
Can't remember anyone?
Well, maybe you need a minute to think.
Is that it?
I believe this will be the final round.
Aren't you gonna call anyone, Michael?
How could he?
He's never loved anyone.
♪ No matter how you figure It's tough to be a *** ♪
♪ But it's tougher To be a Jew ♪
DONALD: My God, Michael.
You're a charming host.
HAROLD: Michael doesn't have charm, Donald.
Michael has counter-charm.
You going somewhere?
Yes, you're gonna have to excuse me.
You're gonna miss the end of the game.
You'll have to tell me how it comes out.
I never reveal an ending.
And no one will be reseated during the climactic revelation.
( rain continues falling outside )
What do you suppose is going on up there?
Hm, Alan?
What do you imagine Hank and Larry are doing up there? Hm?
Whatever they're doing, they're not hurting anyone.
And they're minding their own business.
And you mind yours, Harold!
I'm warning you.
Are you now?
You warning me?
Me?
I'm Harold.
I'm the one person you don't warn, Michael.
Because you and I are a match.
And we tread very softly with each other
because we both play each other's game too well.
I know this game you're playing.
I know it very well, and I play it very well.
You play it very well too, but you know what?
I'm the only one who's better at it than you are.
I can beat you at it, so don't push me.
I'm warning you.
You're funny, Halli.
A laugh riot.
Isn't he funny, Alan?
Or as you might say, "Isn't he amusing?"
He's an amusing ***, isn't he?
Or as you might say, "freak."
That's what you called Emory, wasn't it?
A "freak"?
A "pansy."
My, what an antiquated vocabulary you have.
I'm surprised you didn't say "sodomite."
Or "pederast."
You better let me bring you up to date.
Now, this isn't so new, but it might be new to you.
Have you heard the term, "closet queen"?
You know what that means?
Do you know what it means to be in the closet?
Don't, Michael. It won't help to explain what it me.
He already knows what it means.
He knows very, very well what a closet queen is.
Michael,
if you're insinuating that I'm homosexual,
I can only say that you're mistaken.
Am I?
What about Justin Stuart?
What about Justin Stuart?
You were in love with him. That's what about him.
And that's who you're gonna call.
Justin and I were very good frien.
That's all.
According to Justin,
the friendship was quite passionate.
I mean that you slept
with him in college...
several times.
Several times.
Once is youth.
Twice, a phase maybe.
Several times, you like it.
It is true!
Because Justin Stuart is homosexual.
He comes to New York occasionally.
He calls me. I've taken him to parties.
Larry's had him once.
I've slept with Justin!
And he's told me all about you!
You were obsessed with Justin.
That's all you could talk about,
morning, noon and night.
You began it tonight upstairs about Hank,
what an attractive fellow he was,
and all the rest of that transparent crap.
I said he was attractive. That's all.
How many times do you have to say it?
And how many times did you have to say it about Justin?
What a good tennis player he was,
what a good dancer he was, what a good body he had.
How amusing he was, how bright he was.
How the girls were all mad about him.
What close friends you were!
We were. We were very good, very close friends. That's all.
It was obvious!
When you did it in front of Fran,
it was downright embarrassing.
Even she must have had her doubts about you.
Justin lied.
If he told you that, he lied.
And it is a lie. A vicious lie.
He'd say anything about me now to get even,
because he could never get over the fact that I dropped him.
But I had to.
I had to because he told me all about himself.
He told me that he--
He told me that he wanted me to be his lover.
And I told him that he made me sick.
I told him that I pitied him.
You ended the friendship, Alan,
because you couldn't face the truth about yourself.
Oh, you could go on sleeping with Justin...
as long as he lied to himself,
and you lied to yourself.
And you both dated girls and labeled yourselves men,
and called yourselves just fond friends.
But Justin finally had to be honest!
And you couldn't take it.
You-- You couldn't take it, and so you destroyed
the friendship...
and your friend along with .
Justin could never understand
what he had done wrong to make you drop him.
No.
He did that, yes, until he discovered
who he was and what he was.
But to this day
he remembers the treatment,
the scars he got from you.
Pick up this phone
and call Justin.
Call him and apologize,
and tell him what you should've told him 12 years ago.
Call him.
No, Michael.
He lied. Not a word is true.
Call him!
Very well.
I'll dial.
You're so helpful.
Give it to me.
One point.
Two points.
( chuckles ): Yes.
Is that Justin?
I should hope to think
he would be after 12 years.
No, I'm-- I'm in New York.
I, uh-- I won't explain now.
I-I-- I just called to tell you that--
I just called to tell you that I'm here--
"That I love you," *** it!
I love you!
And I love you.
You get the *** bonus.
Ten points, jackpot.
I love you and I beg you to forgive me.
Give me that telephone.
Justin, did you hear what that son of--?
F-Fran?
W-- Well, of course I knew it was you.
How are you doing?
Uh, fine.
Uh...yes, me too.
Fine.
Um, uh, yes.
( chuckles ): He told me all about it.
No, don't thank me, please. Uh--
Uh, look, I'll-- I'll put him back on the line.
Give my love to the kids.
Darling.
I'll catch the first plane I can get.
Yes.
I love you very much.
Yes.
Thank you, Michael.
( door closes )
Who won?