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Okay, folks, there's no easy way of saying this, but today's game...sucks.
It's the kind of game that's so catastrophically bad you'd expect to see three silhouette's
in the corner shouting at it. And, honestly, it's going to be a real challenge to even
try to talk about this game and make it interesting.
So I'm going to try and spice things up a little bit.
Ladies, gentlemen and hairdressers, prepare to be amazed as I attempt the worlds first
ever let's play while flying forty feet through the air having been SHOT FROM A CANNON! DRUMROLL!
[DRUMROLL]
[***]
Bridge-it is the kind of game that [SMASHING SOUNDS]
[MUZAK]
Okay. Six days, several thousand pounds worth of medical bills and forty three stern talkings-to
later I now know that shooting myself out of a cannon was probably not a clever thing
to have done. So let's just get on with it.
Okay, when I was younger my parents had a variety of ways of punishing me when I did
something wrong. Sometimes I'd get sent to my room, sometimes I'd have my toys taken
away from me, sometimes I'd trip and fall into a doorknob. You know, kids stuff!
But when I did something really, exceptionally wrong, I was made to play today's game. Bridge-it.
Bridge-it was made by those talentless purveyors of CPC filth, Amsoft. They released it in
1984, which is not only information about the game, it doubles as Amsofts attempts at
justifying it.
Now, what you see here is the playing area. This is it, this is the only screen you see.
And it's not like West Bank where the screen moves from side to side, this. Is. It.
So what happens? Well, an infinite amount of little men come out of the building on
the left and walk along the path. Your job is to lower the bridges as the little men
come to them so they can cross and go into the building on the right.
You're supposed to be helping these kids get home from school. Or sending them FROM home
TO school, I - I didn't care when I was four and I sure as hell don't care now.
The game is slow, the game is dull, the game is boring, the game is monotonous, the game
is repetetive, the game has all the challenge and excitement of flipping a coin, it's...it's
the kind of thing you could train chimps to do.
Except the chimps would probably call their simian bretheren and join an armed uprising
against their human captors for subjecting them to such cruelties - THIS is why Gorilla
Grodd hates us, people, this game right here.
And I hope somebody who used to work at Amsoft watches this. They'd better appreciate that
I stopped the monkey revolution because I played this game instead of some damn dirty
ape.
[SIGH]
You know what, I - I tried my best to find something nice to say about this game. I really
tried.
About the best thing I can do is that it would make a good acid test for whiney children.
I recommend you give Bridge-It to any of your friends who show signs of turning emo. Either
they'll realise things aren't as bad as all that and cheer up again or they'll fall into
the pit of despair and use the game as a blood free alternative to cutting themselves.
It's a lot easier to clean up and leaves no disfiguring scars!
At least...not on the outside anyway.
I'm done. I need a shower.