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GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME,
MEMBERS OF THE UNITED SOCIETY OF AMATEUR MAGICIANS.
TONIGHT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE
THAT OUR WORTHY PRESIDENT, MR. RICHARD HIMBA,
HAS ACQUIRED THE SERVICES OF THE ONE OF THE WORLD'S
TRULY GREAT MAGICIANS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET US WELCOME...
THAT MASTER OF PRESTIDIGITATION, LEGERDEMAIN AND ILLUSION,
PROFESSOR HOUDINI VON HOFFMEYER!
( loud applause )
PROFESSOR, IT IS INDEED AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
AND HELLO, AMATEURS.
HELLO ALL AMATEURS, YOU WILL NOW SEE A PRO.
I SUPPOSE YOU ARE THE HEAD AMATEUR?
YES, I AM.
PROFESSOR, MAY I TAKE YOUR BRIEFCASE?
WHAT? NO, NO...
I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU THE BRIEFCASE.
OH, I SEE. THAT'S PROBABLY WHERE
YOU KEEP YOUR FAMOUS TRICKS, PROFESSO.
( chuckling: ) NO, I DON'T KEEP MY TRICKS THERE,
BUT ONCE AND WHILE I GET A LITTLE TIRED
AND I LIKE TO SIT DOWN.
( audience laughing )
PROFESSOR --
SOMETIMES I BRING IT ON THE SUBWAY WITH ME.
I SEE.
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW VERY PLEASED --
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE APPLAUSE?!
THAT WAS A TRICK, YOU KNOW.
LET'S HEAR A LITTLE APPLAUSE, HERE.
A COUPLE OF TRICKS
THAT TOOK A COUPLE OF YEARS TO WORK OUT, YOU KNOW.
YES, I'M SORRY.
UH, PROFESSOR --
THERE'S A LOT OF BLAS AMATEURS HERE.
PROFESSOR, THERE IS ONE THING THAT INTERESTS MOST MAGICIANS
IS HOW A MAGICIAN STARTS --
THE FIRST TRICK THAT GETS THEM INTERESTED IN MAGIC.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TRICK.
IT WAS SO SIMPLE AND YET IT WAS THAT TRICK
THAT CAUSED ME TO GET INTERESTE.
IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS THIS, I REMEMBER AS A CHILD DOING IT.
I PUT MY FINGER UNDER A HANDKERCHIEF
AND I SAY, "HOCUS-POCUS -- FINGER DISAPPEAR"
AND THE FINGER WOULD DISAPPEAR.
NOW, THAT WAS MY VERY FIRST TRICK AND IT GOT ME INTERESTED.
WHAT WAS YOURS, PROFESSOR?
WHERE'S THE FINGER?
WOULD YOU MAKE THE FINGER COME BACK?
OH...YOU'RE JOSHING, PROFESSOR.
NO, I WANT TO SEE, YEAH.
YOU REMEMBER THE OLD TRICK? YOU JUST SAY, "HOCUS-POCUS --
"FINGER REAPPEAR"...
AND THE FINGER WOULD REAPPEAR.
HOLD THE FINGER LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
THROW IT OVER, AND THEN YOU GRAB IT LIKE THIS HERE,
AND SAY, "ALAKAZAM-ALAKAZAM" AND THEN --
( crack )
OH, JEEZE!
YOU'RE A WITCH! A WITCH!
GO AWAY, WITCH! THERE YOU ARE, GO AWAY!
I THROW WITCH DUST ALL OVER YOU!
YOU'RE A WITCH, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
GO AWAY, YOU WITCH, YOU!
ALL THE POWERS THAT BE, TAKE THE WITCH AWAY!
PROFESSOR, IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE.
A LITTLE JOKE, YEAH?
PROFESSOR, YOU KNOW --
BOY!
YOU KNOW, ALL OF US WERE INTERESTED --
I NEVER SAW ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I WONDER IF YOU WOULD SHOW US
ONE THE ILLUSIONS YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT,
I RUSHED DOWN HERE ON THE SUBWAY,
SO IF I COULD HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH FIRST.
WOULD YOU MIND?
I HAVE SOME LUNCH BECAUSE I-I-I WANT TO HAVE LUNCH.
DO YOU GOT A OPENER HERE?
OH, PROFESSOR, I KNOW THIS TRICK.
WE ALL KNOW THIS TRICK.
HUH?
THIS IS A FAMOUS TRICK THAT ALL --
CAN I HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH, PLEASE?
NO, ALL AMATEURS DO THIS TRICK.
THIS IS A VERY FAMOUS TRICK.
YOU SAY, "ABRACADABRA" AND THE COKEBOTTLE DISAPPEARS.
I REMEMBER THAT TRICK. WE'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR YEARS,
AT THIS CLUB, RIGHT HER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT WAS MY LUNCH!
THAT'S ALL I HAD!
I-I DIDN'T KNOW.
YOU'RE A WITCH, THAT'S ALL!
TAKE HIM AWAY!
YOU WITCH, YOU!
REALLY, PROFESSOR, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS YOUR LUNC.
YEAH, THAT WAS MY LUNCH.
WHY ARE MAKING TRICKS, HERE?
YOU'RE A VERY STUPID FELLOW, HERE!
I COME DOWN FOR A LITTLE --
COME ON, GIVE ME A DIME!
I DON'T HAVE A DIME, PROFESSOR.
WELL, GIVE ME A SODA, THEN, IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME A DIME.
YOU GOT A LITTLE CHERRY?
YES, I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME.
OKAY.
HUUHAA!!
YOU'RE A GOOD MAGICIAN, BUT A LOUSY COOK, I TELL YOU THAT!
SORRY, PROFESSOR.
ALL RIGHT.
COULD WE GO ON WITH THE DEMONSTRATIO?
LET'S GO ON.
NOW, YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT?
OH, YES.
IT'S AN ORDINARY...
THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE WE ARE. OKAY.
THIS IS A REGULAR ROPE.
AM I RIGHT HERE IN SAYING IT'S A REGULAR ROPE?
THAT'S RIGHT, PROFESSOR.
WHAT I WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS
I WANT YOU TO TIE ME UP WITH THIS ROPE,
AND I WANT YOU TO TIE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE, YOU UNDERSTAND?
I MARK IT FOR YOU RIGHT HERE. I'LL MARK IT FOR YOU IN THE MIDDLE,
SO YOU WOULDN'T FORGET WHERE TO TIE ME, ALL RIGHT?
I WANT YOU TO SEE TO SEE THAT THIS IS THE MIDDLE --
THAT'S IT.
WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU CUT HERE?
ISN'T THIS THE TRICK --
NO! DON'T DO NO FAVORS FOR ME, PLEASE!
DON'T HELP ME OUT, WILL YOU?!
I'M SORRY.
NOW, IN THIS CASE --
WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? DON'T CUT!
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CUTTIN'!
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
YOU'RE SCISSOR-HAPPY, BOY, OR SOMETHIN'!
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT WITH TWO PIECES.
JEEPERS, I WISH YOU'D WATCH OUT WHEN YOUR'RE DOIN' SOMETHIN'
NOW, JUST MARK IT RIGHT HERE
WHERE I WANT YOU TO TIE ME, ALL RIGHT?
NOW YOU GO RIGHT HERE, AND YOU TIE ME HERE.
NOW, THIS IS THE MIDDLE.
THIS IS WHERE I WANT YOU TO TIE ME.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RIGHT HERE IS WHERE HE'S GONNA TIE ME --
OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!
WHAT'S THE MATTER HERE!
I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT I WAS DOING, SIR.
NOW I GOT FOUR PIECES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WOULD YOU LIKE ME IF I CUT YOU?
IF I TOOK YOUR TIE AND WENT LIKE THIS
AND CUT IT OFF...
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT!?
NO, I WOULDN'T, PROFESSOR.
WELL, I WOULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE I'M A NICE FELLA.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL HAVE TO DO.
I'LL HAVE TO CUT THE ROPE, THEN.
I'LL HAVE TO CUT THE ROPE TO MAKE IT LONGER.
YOU'RE GONNA CUT IT TO MAKE IT LONGER?
THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU'RE HELPING ME OUT, HERE.
CUTTING DOESN'T MAKE IT LONGER, PROFESSOR.
WHAT? THAT'S WHAT YOU KNOW --
THAT'S THE WAY YOU ARE!
ALL RIGHT. I GOT THE ROPE HERE. READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE, AND THERE WE ARE,
AND WE GOT ONLY ONE PIECE OF ROPE, RIGHT?
THERE IT IS.
( loud applause )
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ALL ALONG, MR. PROFESSO?
THAT'S VERY GOOD, BUT YOU DO HAVE A KNOT IN THE ROPE.
IT'S HELD TOGETHR WITH A KNOT.
NO, THERE'S NO KNOT. WHERE? WHERE?
RIGHT IN THERE, THERE'S A KNOT.
THERE'S NO KNOT THERE.
THERE IT IS, PROFESSOR.
YOU MEAN THIS THING HERE?
YES.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THERE WE ARE. THERE'S NOTHIN' THERE.
( loud applause )
HOW ABOUT THE CHAIR?
ALL RIGHT.
NOW I'M GONNA DO ONE OF MY BIG TRICKS FOR YOU.
OH, I SEE, SIR.
AND THE BIGGEST TRICK ABOUT THIS TRICK
IS GETTIN' IT DOWN HERE IN THE SUBWAY.
THAT WAS SOME TRICK, I TELL YOU.
I PUT IT RIGHT IN THIS POCKET HERE.
KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU!
DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME, I SPREAD THIS STUFF.
NOW, YOU SEE THIS IS ALL PERFECTLY EMPTY.
IN HERE... RIGHT THROUGH HERE, RIGHT?
NOW, IF I MAY HAVE SOMEONE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
ANYBODY FROM THE AUDIENCE. ANYBODY.
THAT'S THE WAY YOU WALK AROUND IN THE STREET?
ALL RIGHT, DARLIN, GET IN THERE.
GOODBYE, GOOD LUCK,
GIVE MY REGARDS TO EVERYBODY IN MYSTERY LAND.
NOW I SHALL MAKE HER DISAPPEAR!
SAY THE MAGIC WORDS!
ALAKAZAM, ALAKAZEE!
( babbling in German )
SHE'S STILL HERE, PROFESSOR.
DID THEY TELL YOU AT THE AGENCY
I WANTED A DISAPPEARING GIR?
NOW, PLEASE. WOULD YOU MIND DISAPPEARING?
YOU GET AWAY FROM HERE, WILL YOU PLEASE?
NOW WE CLOSE THE DOORS AND MAKE HER DISAPPEAR.
( German babble )
...AND THERE WE ARE!
OY! WHAT, YOU'RE BRINGING YOUR FRIENDS?
ALL RIGHT!
I'M GONNA TELL YU ONE MORE TIME,
STAY AWAY FROM ME!
I'M NOT DOING IT.
YOU'RE A WITCH! ALL RIGHT!
( German babble )
THERE!
OY! ( babblin)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?
I DIDN'T DO IT --
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
HONESTLY, PROFESSOR.
I COME DOWN HERE FOR A BUNCH OF AMATEURS
AND YOU'RE REALLY MAKIN' IT TERRIBLE FOR ME.
NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE?
( German babbling )
( German accent: ) HELLO, PAPA.
LISTEN, PAPA. WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?
I'M IN BERLIN CRAMMING FOR AN EXAM AT THE UNIVERSITY.
I'LL NEVER PASS IT LIKE THIS.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME INTO MY TRICK?
GEE ***, POP. WHY DON'T YOU LEARN TO DO IT RIGHT?
EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS TRICK YOU MAKE ME APPEAR.
YOU'RE SOME ROTTEN VENTRILOQUIST.
I'M NOT A VENTRILOQUIST!
BOY, OH, BOY.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE MY REGARDS TO MAMA.
OKAY, BYE-BYE, PAPA.
BYE-BYE.
GOODBYE AND SO LONG.
( babbling )
AND GET READY IN THERE!
PROFESSOR, COULDN'T YOU MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR?
I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHIN' ELSE.
THERE MUST BE SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH THE TRICK.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE. WOULD YOU MIND?
SHOULD I CLOSE THIS, PROFESSOR?
( girls screaming )
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, PROFESSOR?
( screaming continues )
PROFESSOR, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
YOU WANT TO GO OUT AND GET SOME ICE AND GINGER ALE?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, PROFESSOR.
JUST GET A BUCKET OF ICE AND SOME GINGER ALE, ALL RIGHT?
ANYBODY WANT A SANDWICH?
( voice inside: ) PAPA, CAN I HAVE A HAM ON RYE?
A HAM AND RYE, AND A KNOCKWURST FOR ME, ALL RIGHT?
I'M GONNA MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR. I'LL SEE YA.
THE PROFESSOR IS NOW GOING TO MAKE SEVEN PEOPLE DISAPPEAR.
ARE YOU READY, PROFESSOR?
( chattering and commotion )
READY...
PROFESSOR --
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.
CAN'T WE HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY HERE?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M SORRY, PROFESSOR.
CLOSE THE DOOR, HERE.
I BELIEVE THE PROFESSOR HAS SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE.
PROFESSOR?
HE'S DONE THIS TRICK SUCCESSFULLY ALL OVER THE WORLD,
AND I'M SURE IT WILL WORK TONIGHT.
PROFESSOR, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
( Professor singing )
THE FIRST PARTY I'VE HAD IN MORE THAN 20 YEARS
AND YOU BROKE IT UP.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A WITCH!
THAT'S THE FIRST PARTY IN I'VE HAD IN 20 YEARS!!!