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What do you even do here?
Sit on your *** and analyze data?
I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton,
I risk my life, so yeah...
I do deserve the best space
in the parking garage.
Like it would kill you to roll 50 feet.
Stupid thing's electric.
Archer, I still haven't got those
TNE reports you promised.
Are you sure? You didn't eat them?
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me
I've been finding solace in food.
Well, keep your chins up Cyril.
All eleven of them.
Cyril's about half a rack, huh?
Yeah, so why do you pick on him?
I, oh, was that a rhetorical?
And why are you
bleaching everything?
Ugh... because it
sneezed out here!
Okay.
And is mother in?
- Oh, she's in there, all right,
- And they're expecting you.
Thanks, crazy.
Who's they?
Hello, Archer.
Trinette?!
Why are you here?
You don't call me for a year,
and that's how you talk to me?!
Yes, dear.
Where are your manners?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I skipped the Emily post
chapter about how to introduce
your mother to a ***!
Escort! Ya puke.
And I'm retired.
Yeah?
Your 401k doing that well?
I have a sep, smartass!
Oh, and this.
So I ain't worried about gettin' by.
What is... Why, is
this a subpoena?
It's for the paternity test.
The what?!
Yes, "the what," dear...
And "the who."
What who?!
Who is that?!
Why, this is Seamus
McGoon Sterling.
No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.
And why is that "who"
named like me?!
Why do ya think?
I'm asking you why!
Because he's your son.
You colossal idiot.
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Why?
Why didn't you just get the vasectomy
like I ask you to?
- Honestly, I thought it would hurt.
- And this doesn't?
- It-it's apples and oranges.
- I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
- Really? But you're so...
Grandmother-ly?
No... Old.
If and when I am ready for a grandchild
it won't be the potato face spawn
- of some Irish ***!
- Exactly. It's probably not!
I mean, seriously, what're
the odds on that?
- So she had a lot of... Ugh...
- You kidding?
I used to have to book
her weeks in advance.
- Although...
- Although what?
Um... whew!
Wow, Trinette, that was amazing.
Yeah, that... Wh-?!
Wait a minute!
[ Clink! ]
You liar!
This ain't a *** wrapper,
it's from a frickin' candy bar!
So? Sometimes
I like to treat myself.
Well, sometimes I like to ovulate!
Well, I gotta sleep, so
do it somewhere else.
Money's on the dresser.
Nothing.
Hundred-to-one, he's mine.
Well, he better not be!
My God, I couldn't bear the
shame it would bring on this
- family to have... um...
- No.
Please, mother,
finish that thought!
Oh my God, you're
such a hypocrite!
You were gonna say
"illegitimate child"!
No, I was going to say "***."
Ouch.
I mean, that's gotta hurt, huh?
Why should I care if Archer
knocked up some dumb ***?
Because babies are soft-skulled, fat
little germsacks, and now we've all
been exposed to that
one's bacteria!
What?
Don't engage her.
But c'mon, Lana, you dated Mr. Archer
forever and...
And you have nothing
to show for it.
Paging doctor Loggins.
Couple things... One, I don't need
a baby to validate my existence.
Two, the absolute last person
on earth I'd have a baby with
is Archer, because he
is not sold separately.
Did you try...
Yeah, I'll come over, mother.
Just gimme... 20 minutes.
[ Sigh ]
Well, I'm sorry, Lana!
But I didn't invent the
childproof pill bottle!
So as far as Archer's concerned, I actually
feel like I dodged the world's most
dysfunctional bullet.
Yeah, but Cyril was...
Oh, wait!
Did he have some sort
of character flaw?
Hello, hello, hello!
Couple things...
[ Struggling sounds ]
- Yeah, we are code blue here...
- Hey, yeah, blue!
Like for baby boys!
- No, I meant like for her face, but...
- No, like for let's have a
baby shower for Trinette
and the wee baby Seamus!
Oh, my God, yes.
But you're place is disgusting,
so where can we have it?
Well, Archer's got
that bangin' pad.
Ooh, he'll hate that!
I wanna come!
Ooh, I think I just did...
And, so, thank you both for coming.
Even though, Mr. Archer is the only
party named in the subpoena.
Well, we both have
invested interest
in the outcome of this silly test.
And said test will, obviously, be
administered by a third party, so...
A third party?!
But we have a state-of-the-art
laboratory at ISIS!
[ Brrrrrrrrpppt! ]
Normally, I wouldn't let an intern
do this on his first day but...
Chet?
How's it hanging, buddy?
I'm sure you do.
But our client has concerns
about the integrity of the test results,
given your agency's...
clandestine nature.
Oh, and by the way, super-crazy about
that elevator pretending it's a dryer.
Barry?
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be
providing security for the paternity test.
- Odin?!
- Oh, yeah.
Hello, Archer.
Barry.
- How's it hanging, buddy?
- Hanging great, Barry.
How's the leg?
Barry, does it hurt?
Cause it looks like
it kinda hurts.
It did hurt, and it still does, so...
So how can Trinette afford ODIN?!
This is pro Bono.
Consider it payback for
my shattered femur.
And that reminds me... doctor Ben?
Wh-?!
And what the hell is this?!
We take a blood sample from Archer...
My God?
What year is this?!
I know, right?!
Why can't you just
take a DNA swab?!
A blood sample is enough
to determine paternity.
And after we take a liter...
A liter?!
How much is a... Owww!
Archer will be left in a weakened state,
which should prevent his attempting to
compromise the test.
Turtlenecks, I invented those.
You're bleeding him dry!
Ser'sly, Barry, how
much is a liter?
About 8 gills.
What's a gill? You're just talkin' in circles.
Thanks doctor Ben.
Next!
Under ODIN guard, the sample is taken
to the vault of First Savings Bank.
I don't know why I told you where,
but it doesn't matter, as the
bank and vault will be
surrounded by ODIN agents.
Merely an added precaution, as
the vault is basically one big
shitstorm of
anti-intrusion devices.
Tomorrow, in full view of both
parties, we will test the sample
here, along with a blood sample
from wee baby Seamus, thus
ensuring complete accuracy
of the paternity test.
Any questions?
Yeah, Barry...
I'm still unclear on the liter thing?
Vis-a-vis, uh, unit of volume
I seriously don't
feel good at all.
That's because those ODIN ghouls
drained a fifth of your blood.
Oh hey, speaking of fifth...
A drink's the last thing you need!
Well, you might want one too, cause...
Pretty decent chance the baby's mine.
What?!
What happened to a
hundred-to-one?!
I may have uh,
massaged that number.
How can I show my face around
town if... Trudy Beekman
will eat me alive for this!
Decent chance.
Oh, oh, oh, and I can just forget all
about getting on the board at the met!
The museum or the opera?
Either!
Sterling Malory Archer, you...
are going to break in that vault
and replace your blood
with someone else's!
Someone else's blood.
Yeah, great, I'll just have Igor
bring a villager up to my castle.
Oh, Igor!
Yeesss?
Oh, evening sir.
Hello, mum!
Woodhouse, what the hell is this?!
It's a baby shower!
What's it look like, ya puke?
Ugh.
I think I could use a drink.
Sterling?
Pick a villager.
Why did you let them in my house?!
Because I told you to buy
lemon curd, Woodhouse!
Now what am I gonna
spread on my toast?
Your tears?!
They just sort of barged in, sir...
Uh-huh.
And why are you barefoot?!
Oh, you guys, it's so sweet.
I made that!
It was gonna be a ham cozy,
but then I was like "eh."
So.
Well, he can use it as a blankie.
And... eww.
What is this, homemade
salad dressing?
Breast milk.
I have my own.
So you won't need this.
It's some plastic
dry cleaner bags.
Oh, and a book about SIDS.
Wh-?!
What kinda *** gift is that?!
Yeah, right?
I made mine.
Me too!
That's disgusting.
If I wanted to look at your bare
feet, I'd sneak in and
do it while you were asleep!
Well?
Have you picked out a donor?
Yeah.
I dunno if it's the blood loss or
what, but this whole thing feels...
Pretty stupid, Archer.
Getting a *** pregnant?
Yikes.
Cyril...
Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer.
I'm sure the board at the
met will frown on this.
I'm sure I don't
care for your tone.
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of...
Lousy ***-baby havers!
You were saying?
You get him drunk, I'll go to the
drugstore and get some supplies.
But you said I could hold him you've
been holding him and you've been drinking
and yer hands are so damn big!
Don't wantcha to, um, crush him.
No, but I'm gentle, I'm soft,
give her the rabbit, Lenny.
Okay.
Thank... Wow, somebody's
got a full diaper, huh?
Ugh.
And after that falafel, I am right behind him...
Did you see me?
Holding the baby?
Looked like Tyson
holding that dove.
Listen, ***... Ah!
Careful, 'cause, in about three
drinks, you're gonna get all
boohooey, ask me to
pump a baby into you.
Wh-?!
No, you guys should
totally do that!
The mochachino ones
are the cutest!
Guess he'd be half-gay too, though...
So can you say best dancer ever?!
No!
Thank you, but I
don't care for any!
Cyril, it's a toast.
Don't be rude.
No!
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying...
Personality disorder!
*** addiction's not
a real thing, ***!
Well, just wait'll the
new DSM comes out!
Then we'll see!
We'll see you still
being an ***!
So, uh... have you ever
thought about having a baby?
I dunno.
Sometimes I think, ya know, I'd
like to adopt a little baby...
So I could abandon
it at the mall.
That answers my
follow-up question.
Cyril, you're insulting me.
A toast!
And what is it to toast about about, anyway?!
How bout that "upper decker"
I just left in the master bath?
C'mon, Ray.
Sploosh, called it, three drinks ago.
C'mon, we both have amazing genes...
Nobody's arguing we're both hot, but...
Ray, you can do it!
And I can watch!
The door.
Like a lookout, so nobody
sees ya doin' the dirt.
Oh, and also here's
to child support!
See ya around, Cyril.
And I'll see you at the
lawyer's office, granny.
Toast, damn you!
No!
Toast!
Jeezy petes, with you people!
Well, at least I'm
not a sex addict!
And cue the collective
sigh of relief.
Oh, shut up.
Hey, I just ran all the way
to the drugstore a liter low
on blood, so I am in no mood.
Oh, and I am?
Cyril won't drink, so we'll have to
find another way to... Woodhouse, dear?
Yes, mum?
I assume you're holding?
Holding?
Er, why, just this tray of...
Don't *** me, you old dope fiend!
After that scrape I
got you out of?!
Let's liven things up, Burroughs...
Five grams of junk says I can
shoot a piƱa colada
off your wife's head!
100,000 thousand pesos in bribes, and
my stomach's never been the same!
I shall fetch my gear...
What the hell was that?!
Who knows?
I didn't have a sip of water the
entire time I was down there.
No!
Maybe it was an ice cube...
Woodhouse!
He's a *** addict?!
Oh, listen to you, mister judgy!
Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom
so we can drain his stupid blood.
Cyril, you are not to blame.
You are merely a victim
of *** addiction.
Cyril, you are not to blame.
Preaching to the choir, buddy.
And what's that supposed to mean?!
It means, I understand, because I,
too, suffer from *** addiction.
Oh, you're just a,
dirty stomp-around.
That's what society calls it!
But you know how it is to
be surrounded... by women!
Yes!
Prancing around in their... stirrup pants.
Crotchless ***.
I didn't know they had those.
Pretty sexy.
I have to take care of something!
Medicine cabinet, Cyril, top left!
Big bottle of coconut suntan oil!
Man, I probably shouldn't be
drinking this low on blood.
Whur you doona me...?
I brained him with
the absinthe bottle.
Why?
What was I to do, say "take a load off
while we pump you full of ***"?
But if he was already knocked out...?!
Dear God, that was
my entire stash!
Going to be an itchy weekend...
Serves you right, smacky brown.
God, how are you even still alive?
Holy ***, how am I still alive?!
Eight gills is way
more than I thought.
That's why you're so woozy.
Yeah, that, plus all
those melon balls.
Had about nine of them.
Why the hell were you drinking?!
Uh, hello?!
It's a party?!
It's a baby shower!
For the *** child you
*** into a filthy ***!
So... I'm obviously not
saying now, but one of these
days, you are gonna make
just the best grandma ever.
Oh my God... These ODIN dicks...
Hey, where'd ya get your turtleneck?
The turtleneck store?
Wow, definitely
missing that blood.
But maybe if I drank some of Cyril's
blood, I'd... Wait, what am I saying?
I don't even know his blood type.
But I do know a liter of melon balls
can't replace a liter of blood.
Because I'm... kinda
drunk for this oh nuts.
Fantastic.
What.
What're ya doin?
Oh, ya know, just...
Livin the dream Lana.
Yeah?
Well, I'm goin through yer stuff.
Why are you still in my house?!
Eh, there's still a few stragglers here,
tryna keep the party goin...
Cyril. Hey, you awake?
Cause this is about to get weird.
Ants!
Oh! Oh!
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg,
and I'll make you some Malcolm x tea!
And ya know what's frickin lame?
Phased-plasma laser
countermeasures?
No, what's lame is you told
me a jillion times
ya never wanted kids, so I move on with
my life, and then bam...
you drill one into a ***.
Uh, it wasn't exactly
planned, Lana.
Shut up.
But didja ever think about you
and me, ya know, having a baby?
No, not... I mean, maybe that one time,
when we had that little scare... Wh-?!
Is that a frickin candy bar?!
Yeah, but think you
need the calories?
You are such a prick.
Who dragged out all
this old crap?!
Why are you and mother in my
room, going through my things?!
Because I'll save you some time...
My diary's
by the Barbie playhouse, and the key's
in a locket on Mr. Teddy!
My God, I haven't seen this junk in...
Look at that, his little baby shoes.
Can not picture him as a baby.
Ya know?
I just see an adult him, but tiny.
Like a little Archer G.I. Joe.
You... want me to freshen that up?
Mm... Try not to drown it.
Aww, his little christening gown...
Pam!
You... Get off Cyril!
I was tryin to get him off!
***
Out!
Out, just get straight on out!
Aw, c'mon!
Cyril came on to me!
Oh shut up!
He's totally passed out!
Really... Hey, Cyril.
How's it hanging, buddy?
His first pair of lacrosse cleats...
His first
smoking jacket... and, oh my...
His first black turtleneck!
I can't believe Lana and mother.
No respect for people's privacy.
White *** daddy!
***'s tight, huh?
Yo... Where you at, mama?
And why're you calling
me right now?!
I had to, before it's too late!
I... What?!
I don't want you to do it, Sterling!
What?
I know you didn't plan on
this baby, but Sterling,
sometimes the unexpected things
can turn out to be the most
important things in
the whole world!
Wow, you sound shitfaced.
Oh, listen to you!
Mr. melon balls!
And the yes, maybe I've had a few.
And even though I was
not always mother of the year,
I can change!
And you can change, and maybe
together we could
add up to one good parent
for this baby..
But I'm, like, right here...
And I'm right here... for both of you.
Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.
Sterling, no one's ever sure
they're ready for a child.
That's why it's scary, and
that's why it's so special.
So, please, dear,
do the right thing.
God, the one time in my life she acts
like a human being, and it's now?
Was it when I wanted a puppy?
No!
Was it when I wanted cornrows?
No!
But maybe she's right...
I mean, the kid's cool, and I'm
obviously awesome, so...
Maybe I would be a good father.
Ya know, at some
point in the future.
Waaaagh!
Waaaagh!
Aww, you're okay, taterhead.
They only took a
little bit of blood.
Yeah, quit being such a baby.
You quit bein such a baby!
You prick!
Shut up!
They took a liter from me!
And as the 24 hours of
uninterrupted vault footage
shows, said liter was never...
except for those nine frames of
static there... out of
sight of ODIN personnel.
We get it.
Let's move on, Barry.
And since you all witnessed
the blood sample being taken
from the wee baby Seamus...
I hereby cede
any and all rights to ever contest the
results of this paternity test.
Move on, Barry!
And, so, said test results conclude...
Exciting, isn't it?
Not really, because it's gonna say...
that Archer is, in fact, the father!
What?!
Wait a minute!
No, that's... Probably the most expensive
candy bar you ever ate, ya dunce!
Really super expensive.
That's a schedule for
child support payments?
First of the month
works best for us.
No, wait!
Somebody coulda
broken in the vault!
C'mon, nine frames is... a glitch!
Because even if somebody did
break into that vault, no one...
No one, Archer...
could ever prove it.
But...
And who'd even want to?
Not a handsome, blond,
cripple like me.
So, kudos, buddy!
Let's go drink some kudos!
Yeah, let's do that!
Clink, clink!
I don't understand
how this happened.
Well, from what I can tell,
it had something to do with
disgustingly *** sex and a
candy bar, but...
A candy bar?
Mother!
I am not the father. It was...
Cyril?
That thing is huge.
I mean how did you even get... you
sonuva snack-eatin-*** ***!
I'm sorry!
How can you cheat
on Lana bareback?!
I'm a sex addict!
That's not even a real thing!
And the guilt from sex makes me
binge, then I feel fat,
then I turn to sex to feel attractive again,
then it's just this vicious cycle!
Shitass.
Don't you see?!
The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's!
And Barry just wanted to frame me!
You don't fool me.
You had the chance to make the
switch, but you couldn't.
No, yes I could!
And I never thought I'd say this, but Sterling...
You did the right thing.
No! I didn't!
Well, the thing I thought was
right, but not, ya know,
what people think is right!
Well, maybe you're
turning into people.
But I don't wanna be people!
And I didn't want to
be a grandmother.
But c'est la vie, dear.
Yeah, and c'est la child support!
Well, just tighten your belt.
My belt?!
You said you were here for us!
I am dear, but with the
economy how it is... What?
My money isn't.
You're in a limousine!
And if I wanted to sit around all day
going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!
Sorry dear, I have a fitting.
Ciao!
Fitting.
And that's why people in this
family shouldn't have children.
That, and a genetic
predisposition toward... Ants!
Wh-?!
Wretched horrible ants!
Ants are gonna be the least of
your worries, smackhound...
Running around barefoot like that?
Hello, hookworms!
Get in my feet!
Or... whatever.
Some kinda worms.
Will go in your feet.
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www.addic7ed.com