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Track 12 CRAZY ENGLISH Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
Americans take English for granted they learn its strange inconsistencies and irregularities
naturally as children. Native speakers of any language rarely notice the illogic and
contradiction in their language's grammar, pronunciation or vocabulary. But those who
must learn English as a second language are constantly frustrated by its paradoxes.
Let's start with food. America 's ultimate cultural fast food icon, the
Hamburger, contains absolutely no ham, just like there is no egg in eggplant, neither
apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat; and obviously
a hot dog is not a canine that we eat. Do you think Americans realize that boxing
rings are square while a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig? It makes sense that
a vegetarian eats vegetables, but what does a humanitarian eat? If crime fighters fight
crime and firefighters fight fire, what to do freedom fighters fight?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck
and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and
drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? Why is overlook the opposite
of oversee? How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another? And
who would say "Break a leg!" to their friends for good luck?
Here is another mindbender; Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero
or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled,
ruly or peccable? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of
a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form
by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers. It has words from many other languages and
has grown and evolved naturally; it reflects the creativity and diversity of the human
race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they
are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up
my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.