Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
[laughs] And to think I was going to kill myself a week ago, right? [wheezes] Karen! [screams] Guys.
Homies, you guys can bounce, I got this. I got this. What’s up, babe? How you been?
Bill?
Yep, it’s me.
Hey, how are you [he moves -screams]
My skin is grafted into this couch.
I’m sorry, grafted?
Yeh, it just got to the point to where I gained so much weight I could no longer walk and I just sat here for five years.
Jesus! Bill, five years ago was when we broke up. I know I didn't see you, but I figured you just moved out of town.
Nope. Just been here in my house by myself.
You poor thing.
Yeh, my psychiatrist said that I gained most of the weight to cope with you ripping my heart out. What does she know, right?[flashback]
I mean check the little fat dude. I totally did this to myself. [laughs]
Bill, I feel your rapid weight gain is a deep subconscious hate of your ***, because it reminds you of Karen.
[crying violins] You don't even know me. You [cries]
You have a tiny ***.
[end flashback] That’s not fair, Bill.
No, you left me with a pretty big emotional void.
Right, well, you can't blame me for this, Bill.
No, I don't blame you. I stand for responsibility. I mean – I had a lot to cope with the fact that I haven't had sex in five years. It’s clearly my fault.
You always were a big eater.
[flashback] Oh, Bill, it’s so sweet of you to make me breakfast.
Don't mention it, honey. I made your favorite – pizza and chicken. Hmm. And, Sloppy Joes. One for you.
[slurping]
Want some chicken? It was good.
[end flashback] Oh dear!
Bill?
Clear! [defibrillator sound] Don’t you die on me, you fat ***. Clear!
Oh, yoh, homies! What’s up? What? I die or something? [laughs] Well, get the *** out of here. Get the fuckk – go! Go.
So, Karen, what were we talking about? What’s up?
Can I ask you a question?
Yes, Karen?
Well, I was just wondering - - No, I shouldn’t.
No, it’s OK, Karen. Tell me.
It’s just, all those years on the couch, how did you go to the bathroom?
What are you talking about? I can get up and go to the bathroom. I’m normal!
[ringing phone] Hello, I’m a plumber.
Thank god, man. I’m having some plumbing issues.
Yeah, hit me with it, brother.
Well, I need you to come cut a hole in this couch so that I can *** in it.
Uh, uh.
Karen, do you want to go get a drink some time, maybe party?
That’s OK, I got to get going anyway.
Dude, we can hang out! Karen! You can wash me! [cries]
Guys, guys, seriously, can we go to a strip club? Guys, can we go to a strip club?
[music]
[captioning by VerbatimIT.com]