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We have known for more than 70 years that there are effective
ways of parenting that do not involve yelling, coaxing,
reminding, and the more severe punishments of spanking, or
aggressively hurting children. In this video presentation on
parenting I return to my consultation with joel, who's
family was featured in the Adlerian family therapy video.
Because Joel is a functional parent he does not need to have
his family restructured, nor a drastic change is expected. I
want to approach him as a functional parent with whom I
can collaborate in the development of more effective
interventions with his children. The problem with parenting is
that we have our own goals and we want our family life to go in
a certain way. Children read what we want and arrange their
interactions in a manner that will generate attention, or
power, or help them get what they want. A child who wants
attention does not actually care whether it is positive or
negative attention. The first is preferable but negative
attention getting is more effective. As parents we often
telegraph what will get attention or what will get us
into a power struggle when we talk rather than act. I wanted
to help Joel in this video to learn to act rather than talk.
His children are much more likely to respond action than
words. Indeed children, who hear parents talking at them too
much, too loud, too often become parent deaf. Sometimes
children's behavior is more severe than the problems
exhibited in this family. In those cases behavior
modification practices of reward and shaping often are
recommended and needed. We see that when children are engaged
in conduct disorders, oppositional defiance or some
forms of excessive activity, behavior modification is
especially important. All children, however, need to have
parents who exhibit their care through what is called
authoritative response of parenting or democratic
parenting. The two largest parenting programs in the United
States are based on this model. They are called systematic
training for effective parenting or S.T.E.P. and active
parenting. Both use natural and logical consequences rather than
punishment to redirect children. Both use encouragement, active
listening and emotion coaching to build self-esteem confidence
and encourage. Of all the different models used to help
parents win their children's cooperation the most important
ones focus on these interventions. Emotion coaching
developed by John Gotman and his associates at the University of
Washington, seems to be one of the most important ways in which
children come to be effective in their living both as adolescents
and later as young adults.
Jim)o, Joel, that was really lovely to get a chance to see
the kids and to meet them. would just like to use this time
to see if we can create some options in your parenting that
may make life better for you in some way- or at least a little
bit easier. I should probably tell you that when I was a
child, I was on the side of kids. I now have kids of my own,
and I'm on the side of parents. It's a pretty big switch, but
none the less . . . Joel)Un-huh. Jim)o why
don't we do something a little bit in reverse. Instead of
talking about the individual children at this point, let's go
back to the typical day and start at the beginning of the
day. What would you like to see most going better.
If there was something at that point in time that we could
devise a plan for, what do you think would be of most help? Is
it getting them moving in the morning, or what do you think?
Joel)Yeah, I think for me, that's always a big thing: I
would like for things to get moving, for things to run on
time. I've tried getting them up earlier, and they will just
stretch out the time. You know, we end up in exactly the same
situation. So, I've kind of pushed it up, thinking more
sleep is good. Yeah, I'd like things to go better there.
Jim)lright. So let's start with that. My sense as I'm
watching your children is that Seth really does an awful lot to
try to be the "good" kid in this family. I think with some kind
of clear sense of what's going to happen and where to go, he's
going to eventually just fall in. Abby, on the other hand,
kind of borders on power struggles sometimes and wants to
do things in her own way. So the easiest way to deal with both of
those is to simply not get into a struggle with either of them
to begin with. What would be another way they could wake up
other than the one you are currently using? (Joel)
don't know. I could get creative. I suppose,
realistically, I could go in there a little bit early, just
turn the light on, maybe, and say "good morning." It's time to
start waking up, and then give them some time to wake up. I
suppose I could do that. Jim)kay. (Joel)eth is old
enough that he's really able to do everything himself.
Jim)ure. (Joel) usually figure out what he ought to
where, but he could even do that if need be. Jim)ight. Now,
if he is really good at what he does, and he would like to get
either mom's or dad's attention in the morning, one of the
things he could do is figure out exactly what he should wear by
having watched what you lay out for him-and make sure he wears
something else. (Joel smiles.) I mean that's a possibility: If
you turn it over to him, he could decide to see how far that
freedom is going to go. What would you do then?
Joel)Occasionally, he picks something different, and I don't
care. I let him wear it. Jim)kay. So, it would be
alright. (Joel)s long as he's covered. (Jim)Okay. Now, just
out of curiosity, you say that you get up at 5:45. Do you just
automatically wake up or how do you get up? Joel)I
automatically wake up when it gets light out. I just seem to
be wired that way, but during the part of the year when that's
a dark time of the year, I have my alarm set. Jim)o do you
think there would be any value in the children having their own
alarm clocks? Joel)Yeah. We got an alarm clock for Seth, and
. . . Jim)ow did he defeat that? Joel)It's broken.
Jim)es. So, one way to get passed the alarm clock problem
for children is to make sure it doesn't work or something else.
Joel)He was intrigued with it, but . . . Jim)'m sure.
Joel)But, you know, he just broke it. Jim)o, one
possibility is we could give him, simply, a choice. One
choice is "Okay, I'm going to come in the morning, and I'm
going to turn on the light and call you once: That's it. Or we
can get you an alarm clock. Which one would you like?" Do
you think he could handle that choice? Joel)Yeah, I think he
could. (Jim) Okay, So, let's say in either case, what it does
is essentially takes you out of the process of reminding them to
get up. One of the things that happens when kids become really
good forgetters is that they have parents around who are
really good reminders. So, if we can just tell him, "Okay, it's
up to you after that. You can wear whatever you're going to
wear for school. You know how to get ready. You're a big boy now.
It's time to let it run." Do you think he could do that?
Joel)Yeah, I think so. I can see it working most of the time,
maybe not all the time. Jim)kay. So, let's say that
some day it comes up and it doesn't work: What would be
happening if it wasn't working? ((Joel) Hmm.) Would he just be
lying in bed? What would happen? Joel)Oh, I think he would go
ahead and get out of bed. He would probably just not get
himself ready. The "big boy" tactic-"You're a big boy and you
can do these things for yourself."-just would not
impress him. And he would just basically want to run and play .
. . Jim)e'd just be running and playing, and not paying
attention. (Joel)eah. Jim)kay. But you do, in
fact, know what time they have to leave, and you do, in fact,
drive them wherever they're going. (Joel)es. Jim)kay.
So, one thing you that you could do is simply not say anything.
Let it go, and at five minutes before it's time to go, figure
out what he needs to have with him before he goes. Put it in a
bag, and put that in the back of the car. Then, put Seth in the
back of the car, and let him finish whatever he has to finish
on the way to school. (Joel stays silent.) The advantage of
doing that, by the way, is that you would not be doing any of
the following: You would not be reminding, coaxing, pushing, or
any of those things that feed attention. What you would be
doing is saying (with your behavior), you know, there is a
certain time schedule we have to run on. You've been watching us
do it for six or seven years. And so, when it's time to go,
it's time to go. Then, they won't be doing it (delaying
tactics) to see what will happen if dad gets upset. It's just
time to go: You go. You could drink coffee if you were into
that, because you would just be waiting for them, at least for
Seth, to get ready. A similar kind of thing can happen with
Abby; although, there are some things she still needs help
with, I bet. (Joel)eah. Jim)ike what? Joel)Well,
she needs a little help getting dressed. (Jim)Okay. So I might
say to Abby at some point: "Would you like me to help you
get dressed now, or would you like to dress yourself?" And
we'd have to see what she said. Most of this relies on you
staying calm, which I think you are good at doing when you have
a sense of what you want to do, and giving a choice, and then
letting them have the consequence of that choice. So
if you've offered her one chance to get dressed, and she hasn't,
where's the next place she can get dressed?
Joel)Babysitters? (Jim)Yes, or in the back of the car with
Seth; I don't care. But the point is that you are not
pushing, nagging, coaxing, reminding at that point. What
you're having is a pleasant morning. We parents deserve at
least that. Joel)Yeah. Jim)kay. Now, if they forget
something-like you're off to school and he's forgotten to
bring the backpack-((Joel) Um-hum.) what's the consequence
of not bringing the backpack to school? Joel)I suspect it's
not that severe. We might get a note from the teacher, because
his homework would be in it; his lunch might be in it. He has
money though. He can buy lunch. Jim)o the worst that happens
is that somebody at the school says, "Why didn't you bring the
backpack?" (Joel)retty much. Jim)eah. Now, if it's a
choice between the teacher saying that and you saying that,
it's far better for the teacher to do it. Because she will have
more influence on him doing that than you will. In fact, a number
of years ago, the school called me about, you know, one of my
daughters forgetting things. And I said, "Thank you for calling,"
and I put her on the phone. It's between the school and her: She
didn't forget after that. So what do you think about these
ideas? Because these ideas are that are more about deciding
what we're going to do to allow consequences to take place as
opposed to continuing to kind of push. Do you think you could do
that? Joel)Yeah. I think that's helpful. It does seem
really appealing to . . . you know, the consequences are not
so severe that the world is going to end. That way, I don't
get so upset. Jim)ight. Joel)I think . . . Jim)nd
yet, they're still small enough that if you had to pick them up
and put them in the car to go, you could do that, because you
sometimes wind up doing that anyway with them. Joel)Yeah.
Jim)Now, does the same thing hold true if you offer to do
homework in the afternoon, and Seth just doesn't get into it,
is it still possible for the school to handle that the next
day? (Joel)f he doesn't do his homework: Goes without it
done? Jim)eah. You'd have to suffer the infamous feeling of
the school thinking you're a "bad parent." Joel)Yeah. I
have a feeling that the teacher would send notes, but I don't
think they would kick him out of school. Jim)kay. So, if they
did send a note home, who would be the best person to hear the
note? Joel)From what you were saying, I guess, Seth.
Jim)hat's right. Joel)Make it be his.
Jim)eah. It's his note. And I would probably ask him to even
write a note back to the teacher about what his plan is.
Joel)Yeah. One thing the school does is try to make
parents take responsibility. At the beginning of the year, they
had us sign something that we would sit down and do homework
with him. Jim)ight. Joel)They have us sign this
thing everyday acknowledging that we saw his homework.
Jim)es, I understand the methods of the school, but as I
said earlier, I'm on the side of parents. So . . . Joel)Okay.
Jim)here's only a certain distance I'm willing to go. I
don't actually need to repeat first grade myself, and I
suspect you don't either. Joel)No, I think I got all of
that. Jim)kay. So the principal is the same. We stay
calm. We give choices once. And then, we let the consequence of
either going with the choice or not going with the choice just
follow through as it naturally would. (Joel)m-hum.
Jim)'d be interested in hearing in a week or so how some
of this might go. Would that be alright? (Joel)eah. We'll