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[RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT]
[LONG PAUSE]
>> John Sonnega: Welcome everybody
to the MHealthy Holiday Series
webinar series. I'm John Sonnega
from MHealthy Thrive along with
Kathryn Greiner from the Credit
Union. We're gonna wait a few
minutes before we begin the webinar
to let a few more folks get into
the room. And then we'll start
talking.
[LONG PAUSE]
Good afternoon everybody and once
again welcome to the MHealthy
Holiday Series webinar. We've
talked about an number of things
acknowledging the pressures and
pleasures of the holidays. For
Thanksgiving we've talked about
nutrition and exercise. The
importance of resisting temptation.
Today we're gonna address the issue
of being generous during the season.
It's one of the main themes of
the holiday season. Just yesterday
I was watching "A Christmas Carol"
with the character Scrooge. So
we do talk about generosity or the
lack thereof and all of the things
that surround those issues all
throughout the holiday season.
So, let's move a little forward
here. One second,...there we go.
Think about gift giving. Generosity
during the holidays. It's a
wonderful time. We want to
emphasize that. But, do you
ever overspend? Feel stressed
by overspending? Do you ever
feel burdened instead of uplifted
by gift giving? I work in stress
management and I want you to feel
uplifted by giving a gift. Gifts
shouldn't add to your burden.
Think about that. Do you ever
feel burdened instead of uplifted?
And why that is? Do you ever wish
for more holiday meaning and a
lot less stuff? That we could add
meaning to our holiday experience?
Now I'm gonna turn it over to
Kathryn.
>> Kathryn Greiner: Hi, Kathryn
Greiner from the University of
Michigan Credit Union. I'd like
you to think about last years
holiday. If we're gonna change
what we're doing, we what to
review what we've done and say,
"Ok, how can I make it better than
last year?" Think about it.
What gifts did you receive last year?
What did you get last year?
What did you give? Do you even
remember? I had a man come and
see me once [CHUCKLES],years ago,
..big man. And he said,..he said
to his sweet wife, sitting with
him, "what'd you get me last year?
What'd I get you last year?"
And you think about it. Sometimes
we're spending money with credit
cards. Money we don't even have.
For things that we don't necessarily
need. Trying to make an impression.
But we for get. So is a good
thing to think about now. What
do we remember from this experience?
Today what we're going to do is
share some tips to help you
be truly generous. To simplify
your holidays and to enjoy the
season more fully.
>> John: It's a very important
topic from a stress management
point of view. Being generous
is one of the ways we stay
calm and relax. And understand
our generosity. I'll agree with
you Kathryn, I tried to do that
exercise. I can't remember the
last holiday! In fact I think
I have a gift that I received that
I didn't wear the entire year.
For I have a sweater, [CHUCKLES]
that I discovered and I'm wondering
whether I should re-gift that?
So, it's a very interesting
exercise to do. So our tip
number 1 is to identify your
holiday values. What the values
are like? So, if you can take a
moment and finish the sentence
for me. The holidays are a time to...
[PAUSE]
Take a moment and think it. What
comes to the fore front of your
mind, or your feelings?
The holidays are a time to...
[PAUSE]
So what did you answer? When
you said that...the holidays are
a time to...Buy gifts? Get stressed?
Put on weight? Um,..what was
your response? What's most
important to you? Ask yourself
that question. What is most
important to you during this
season? What stirs your soul?
That excites you? What are your
memories? What was your best
holiday? Let's think about that.
Is it the music. There's lot's
of wonderful music. The warmth
you feel from helping somebody
less fortunate. The religious
meaning of the various holidays
that we have. It's very important
to acknowledge our spirituality.
During this season. Snuggling up
with a child. Maybe your child
or a nephew or a niece or a
neighbor to read a holiday
story. What a wonderful feeling.
Sleeping in. One of my favorites.
Oh,..sleep is a forgotten health
behavior. The holidays are a
time to sleep in and relax.
Holidays are a time to spend time
with your family. That usually
is true for many folks. Not all.
Take a moment to reflect on what
kind of holiday you really want.
Don't lose sight of your values.
Write it down. What I find is
find a touch stone. Make a plan.
>> Kathryn: I'm the budget
counselor,..credit counselor at
University of Michigan Credit Union.
I work with members who often have
too many bills and not enough
income. And when we talk about
the holidays. To get it under
control. And feel good about what
you're doing and feel confident
and relaxed, it's real important to
start with a plan. And of course
we've talked about,..John's been
helping you get in touch with
what your values are. What are
the most important things? So,
if you start by making a written
plan of how you would celebrate
the holiday season. It's something
you can talk about and share
with your partner. Sometimes
with your children, or other
people that are close to you.
So, not only is it your plan but
it is a way of communicating so
that you don't feel undermined or
overwhelmed. Because people understand
what your plans are. It's very
handy to use a calendar. When do
you need to get some things done?
To make sure you accomplish what
you want to accomplish. Whether
it's going out to enjoy some
events, or decorating, or,..or
cooking. What are the things that
you need to accomplish? But when
are you really gonna do it? And
I encourage people,...instead of
trying to cram it all in after
work, or the couple days we
might have off during the week.
How bout actually scheduling a
day or more off of vacation time
to use for holiday preparations
or shopping. So you're not shopping
perhaps when the crowds are there.
>> John: That's a wonderful idea
Kathryn. I always say, put yourself
on your to-do list.
>> Kathryn: Oh, I love it. That's
great.
>> John: That's what...[LAUGHS]
what I recommend. I have to do
it myself. I see that we have
a couple of questions. We'll
take those at the end of the
webinar. So feel free to write
in at any point and we'll get to
them.
>> Kathryn: Great. I would
encourage all of you to talk to
your family. If you need to
change your own spending behavior
because you've been spending to
much. And people are expecting
things from you. And you're
concerned about how you're gonna
deal with other's expectations.
Talking to them ahead of time is
great. If you're in a partnership,
talk to your partner first.
Explain to your children if there's
gonna be a change. I was helped
years ago when my children were
young and Santa Clause came on
television and said, "You know
it's rough all over the world,
and I'm gonna have a heck of time
getting to everyone. But I
promise to every child, 1 gift
from Santa this year". So I
turned to my children who were
sitting in the room with me, and
I said, "Hey you heard it from the
man. One gift".[CHUCKLES]
>> John: [LAUGHS]
>> Kathryn: Anyway, talking to
family. "The way we're gonna
handle the holiday this year is..."
And you fill in the blank. It's
gonna be a cookie Christmas. It's
going to be, what ever it is
you plan to do. And then, ...
zip it. Don't criticize. Don't
worry about defending yourself.
You've stated your plan. Peacefully
and quietly. Each other person
in your life will do what they're
planning on doing. If your feeling
overwhelmed. There's some things you
could reconsider. You know,..
try this. Write down all of your
usual holiday responsibilities.
What do you do? Do you do the
decorating? The shopping? The
wrapping? The cooking? The baking?
Which one of those do you enjoy?
Which ones do you enjoy? What
could you simplify, or delegate,
or ask for help with? Or, in
fact, do without?
>> John: I,..I like to say, ask
for help. Your giving other
people a gift when you ask for help
because they might want to help.
>> Kathryn: Yea.
>> John: It's a wonderful opportunity.
>> Kathryn: We want to talk for
a couple of minutes about setting
up your budget. Because you're
going to feel best about this
holiday if you can honestly figure
out, "what can we really afford to
spend?" Right? So then you
develop a holiday spending plan.
And to do that, you need to make
a list of, what gift for whom?
And this year record the actual
cost of purchases to help you
stay on track. Now you need to
include the hidden expenses of
the holidays. Such as baking,
special meals, decorations, hostege,
travel. It's kind of amazing when
you really look at all of those
costs. So, what I would encourage
you to do this year is to record
what you're spending. This is
not where you kick yourself for
what you've done. This is where
you get a real handle on what
does this holiday cost you?
And then next year maybe a month
or two ahead of time, you look at
what you spent this year. And
you think about how you can change
it. The other thing that you can
do, is if you tally up what the
holiday costs you. Including
decorations and food, and other
things, you can begin to set
aside money each month. The
U of M Credit Union has a holiday
savings account. But I bet any
financial institution you use has
one. And they can automatically
transfer money from checking to
savings in a special little account
for holiday savings. So that
next year, when they dump all that
money in your account. It earns
that much interest, not much, but
when they put it in your checking
account next November 1st, your
set. You don't have to avoid
some other bill or cut somewhere
where you really shouldn't. To
afford the holidays.
>> John: I think that's wonderful
Kathryn. And I didn't even know
that. That I need to use that
holiday spending account myself.
I try to do that mentally now, but
we have resources right here at
the University that you can use to
do that.
>> Kathryn: It's great...So
what I'd like you to do. With,...
and John talked about resisting
temptation. I would encourage
you to resist over spending.
Now if you've got a problem with
credit cards. If it's just too
easy to say "yes" when you really
ought to be saying "no I'll deal
with it later". You know,.."I'll
think about it later". Kind of
mentality. Then use cash. Because
cash doesn't lie. When it's gone
it's gone. Some people use envelopes.
Some people say, "I don't want to
carry around that much cash with
me." You could establish a
separate account. Holiday spending
account. And use your debit card
from that account. So there are
different ways of doing it. If
you're going to use credit cards.
And you pay them off every month.
And you're able to meet your next
months expenses. Even after paying
off that credit card. Then you
have it under control. Credit
cards are a wonderful convenience.
But they don't help many people
control spending. In fact they
reduce our resistance to spend.
It's ok to use cash. Or the cash
equivalent of a debit card. As
long as you're not making fees.
Right? By over spending. Don't
skip bills to free up money to buy
presents. And I'm gonna tell you
secret that won't be secret after
today. When I was very young, I
remember putting my gas bill off
until January to free up the cash
I needed to afford Christmas. I
have done this and I'm the budget
Guru! At the U of M Credit Union.
So I,..I'm not perfect. We all
grapple with how to do this. But
if you plan and limit spending.
And get realistic about what you
can handle. You're gonna have
such less stress over the holidays.
>> John: One of our final tips.
One that I really like to emphasize
is to try simple low cost gifts.
One of my favorites is "gifts from
the heart". I always like to
hearken back to your childhood or
when you have children and when your
child brings home something from
school. Or you get something from
your child. How meaningful that
is. I ...myself like to write a
short poem. All be it their not
very good. But, people enjoy them.
Their very deep in meaning. So,
it's a wonderful thing. Kathryn?
>> Kathryn: Yea, I had a young man
come to see me years ago. Lovely
young man who was over spending and
was in debt. And he was very
generous, but he was doing it with
credit. So he got himself in
trouble. He said, "I'm gonna turn
this thing around". He said, "this
year I'm gonna find another way to
express how i feel". And he sat
down and he wrote 50 fond memories.
Of him and his Dad. And he gave it
to his Dad for his Dad's 50th
birthday. So yes this is a holiday
issue, but it's also any gift
giving issue. And you can imagine
what a meltdown that was. What
gift from any store could ever
touch that? So, the poem that
John's talking about. Any way
that you can sing it, speak it,
photograph it. What's valuable
is you. You're the gift!
>> John: It...it...
>> Kathryn: You are the gift.
>> John: It tears me up hearing
that story. That,..these are the
gifts that we remember. Often
the small gifts from the heart
over shadow anything we can possibly
buy. Another thing we talk about
is making some home made gifts.
We love them. People have so many
talents. Right here we're at
the Wolvereen Tower. We're at
an office. We have a craft
fair coming up. I love when
people make crafts. And,..buying
those. But making them yourself
if you can. That people acknowledge
that you've put some effort into
this. It's a wonderful thing.
And,...and...if your good you can
do them in a healthy way.
>> Kathryn: I had a fellow at a
workshop yesterday say...now this
workshop,.."Tis the Season to
Hang Onto Reason, but be Generous".
That his best holiday memory was
going to his best friends house
where his mother was making
pistachio bread. And the mother
said, here John. Mix this up.
Stir this in. And he said he
remembers that event more than
anything else that happened last
year. So, home made gifts are
precious. And particularly so,
when you have family members who
help you in the process.
>> John: It's the gift of doing
things together. Inviting folks
in. Another simple tip is always
my favorite, is the gift of time.
Things you can do together. We
segue into that. Give yourself
time. That the holidays in many
instances in our traditions, are
a time to reflect. And slow
down..slow down. Give yourself
the gift of time. Create coupons
that describe a gift. We offer
coupon booklets. I often have my
kids do these that have to do with
household chores. And they provide
us with more laughter, because then
they actually have to do those things
that we like to do. And it's
wonderful to whip out a coupon that
says, "do the dishes". [CHUCKLES]
A walk together, babysitting, chores,
dinners. Make them for your
significant others. I like to do
this with my mother, who's older.
What she most wants...she says,
"I don't need anymore things. I
want you...I want you". And I
make her coupons that say, "for
one dinner or lunch". And I pick
her up and that brings her more
joy. So, you know, give ...give
your time to others, but also give
the gift of time to yourself.
You know, take that break. Right
now.
>> Kathryn: Try simple, low cost
gift ideas. Give some experience.
You know there are things that you
know how to do. Whether it's
knitting, or teaching someone
music lessons. Maybe teaching
them some foreign language or the
language of your heritage. Offer
free services you're skilled at.
Like cooking, photography, computers.
I was very thrilled the other day
to hear my son say now 27 and
living in New York city. He said
I'm going to teach a spice class.
We're going to taste and try
spices. I thought, "how wonderful".
He's developed a skill and he's
sharing it with other people.
So, people love getting things
from you in that way. So be open
to that. And I will tell you
that there is a booklet that I've
found online called simplify the
holidays. It's from the center
for a new American dream. And the
URL. The web address for this,
I'm going to get to MHealthy so
they can send it to you all in
a follow up email. But it has
wonderful ideas about low cost
and green, you know, good for the
ecology, ways of wrapping gifts and
dealing with waste and food, and
gifts to charity and low cost
gifts for every person in your
family. As well as how to talk
to your family about getting
them on board about these new
ideas.
>> John: And we'll send that along
to you cause it is a wonderful
document that has ideas and share
ideas with each other. We're
learning new things every day about
how we can do simple pleasurable
gifts.
>> Kathryn: I would like to talk
for a moment about gifts for
charity. Sometimes people say,
"instead of another thing, they
would like to donate to a cause
in their name. John, you want to
talk about volunteering a bit?
>> John: Well I like to talk about
the importance of volunteering.
What this actually does for stress
relief. I go out and obviously
ring the Salvation Army bell with
my family. Something we can do
together. But it's not only a
gift to others, but you have to
remember when you're donating to
a cause. Or when you're participating
as a volunteer, it's a gift to
yourself. And a gift to yourself
that's very meaningful. It reflects
upon, many I am sure will [GARBLED]
..reflects upon your values. And
when you can do something that's
in touch with your values. It's
really a wonderful feeling.
>> Kathryn: Consider new gift
giving traditions. A lot of
families draw names for gift
giving so that you're not compelled
to buy gifts for everyone. And
drawing names makes you think
about someone differently when,
this is it. I have to tell you.
A young woman came to me a little
while back who had several others
in her family that she would buy
gifts for, but in her family,
either someone was sick or they
had lost their job over this last
few years, and times had been hard.
And so they each drew one name.
So they only had to buy one gift.
But she said what the did is they
all sat down together and before
they gave the person the gift.
They told them something that
that recipient, the person getting
the gift, had done to inspire them,
or help them. So meting they always
appreciated and liked about the
person they were giving the gift
to. And she said...she said after
a few minutes, she didn't care
what was in the packages. We just
wanted to hear what the people
were saying to each other.
>> John: That's a wonderful
tradition to start.
>> Kathryn: If you designate a
dollar limit on gifts in advance.
With your family or your co-workers,
or your friends, it might help to
relieve the burden that their
feeling that they would never
speak to you about. You know a
lot of times we...when we're
having good financial times in our
lives. When we have more money.
We might give bigger gifts. But
because of people who need to
reciprocate, they may feel awkward
because they can't reciprocate.
They can't afford to reciprocate.
And that can cause a lot of
bah humbug responses from people
who say, "I can't wait till the
holidays are over". Because they
can't reciprocate. So dollar limits
are helpful or types of gifts, or a
type...a way to exchange is really
wonderful. You could do a cookie
exchange instead of gifts. I've met
more than one person and they'll
go to a person's house and make
cookies together, and then split
them up. Or they'll just give
cookies or some bakes good,...
something that they've made.
"Look, I canned the apples off
the tree outside the balcony". Is
what my father told me one year.
My father made apple jam for his
gifts one year and he was an
engineer. It was a wonderful thing.
>> John: And I'm always thinking
with cookies and MHealthy as well.
Or trying to exchange healthy gifts.
Or sometimes will go to an exchange
and try to get rid of our cookies
and come with a healthy gift.
[LAUGHS]
>> Kathryn: I have done cookie
exchanges and I have a book my
sister gave me. She's a doctor
and she said, "how bout sugar
free cookies?"
>> John: Wonderful idea.
>> Kathryn: Made with dried fruit
and nuts and seeds. Delicious and
crunchy and good. And sweet, but
they're sweet from fruit. So
some kind of exchange from things
that you've made is wonderful.
I call myself the queen of the
second hand. And I have used
used items from thrift stores as
gifts. I once bought a beautiful
set of bronze...sorry brass
candle stick holders that had
never been used. I got em for a
couple of dollars, bought candles
to go with them. Made a beautiful
gift. So,..don't feel odd,...
take a look at those thrift stores.
It's a good way to save money and
to recycle and reuse.
>> John: I love thrift stores
myself.
>> Kathryn: Oh, good.
>> John: [LAUGHS]
>> Kathryn: Good.
>> John: And like it says, online,
too. We have lot's of online
places where we can find used goods.
>> Kathryn: That's right. A white
elephant party is a really fun
way to have inexpensive gifts be a
lot of fun. Each person brings a
wrapped second hand item, in good
condition. Each person draws a
number. Number 1 chooses a gift
and unwraps it and then number 2
can,...the next person to get a
gift, can take that gift or choose
a new one. And so people start
competing for the gifts that like
which is fun. And so it shifts the
focus from the package and it's
contents to the fun and interactivity
of the people in the room.
>> John: Another way to get in
touch with your values, This is
supposed to be fun. Not stressful.
So let's summarize briefly. For
'Tis the Season to be Generous.
Identify your holiday values.
Always carry around and get in
touch with, how you want your
holidays to go. Keep that as
touch stone. It's nice to take a
moment and reflect when your in
a stressful moment. What do I
really want to experience? Make
a plan according to your values.
Make a plan. Little small steps.
Set your budget. Talk with people
about it, as Kathryn said. Let
people know. Try simple low cost
gift ideas. From the heart.
Consider new traditions. I've
got one Kathryn taught me to day.
It's a wonderful thing. I'm
gonna go tell my wife. "This is
what we're gonna do this year".
And we have some additional
resources. The Credit Union.
We will send you the link with the
book. It's a wonderful place to
go. They do lots of things that
are very helpful through out the
year. And we have stress management
faculty and staff assistance and
University Health System,...
Employee Assistance programs are
great places to go. We're gonna
take a look at a few questions
now that have come in. First one
says, "My children go to school
with a wide variety of kids and
many of them are quite well off
as a result my kids are always
hearing about all the things
these kids want, and they of
course want the same things.
How do you address this with my
young children?" Have any ideas
Kathryn?
>> Kathryn: Well it's a common
thing all of us parents may have
experienced. It's ok to say to
your children that people have
different resources. That there
are different types of income
and some people spend differently
on gifts. The most important
things about the holidays are
what we give back rather than
what we get. And to help children
focus on that. A woman in the
class yesterday said that, "she
allowed all of her 3 children to
go to an angel tree where you pick
a family and the children chose
gifts for them. And they were
much less focused on their own
gifts. Because they were focused
outside themselves".
>> John: Good answer Kathryn. Do
we have another question? We'll
take one last question here.
Um..."What are some tips for changing
long standing traditions? It sounds
great to say that everybody will go
their own way if I change my mind.
But you don't know my family. They
will actually stress me out more
if I don't do what they want. Help."
So, in terms of gift giving, there
is a lot of...I think Kathryn brought
up reciprocity. That,..how do we
change some of these traditions
that we've done over the years?
Any ideas Kathryn?
>> Kathryn: What I would encourage
you to do is to make small steps.
Changes. And it's ok as long as
you and your partner, if you have
a partner, are resolved about
how you want the holiday to be.
It doesn't have to be a put down
to anybody else to say well how...
the way we're handling it this
year is, were gonna do a cookie
exchange. It's gonna be a cookie
Christmas for me. And, or
whatever it is you're going to do.
And,..and you all do what you'd
like to do. We'll still get
together for...where you're gonna
join them. So, don't feel like
you're leaving them out of your
life.
>> John: Yea, I think that's
great. The small steps approach
is the way to go, and I always
say, "Give the gift of compassion
and forgiveness". During the
holidays. It's a wonderful thing.
Sometimes we have families that
are less than idyllic. And I
always say, "we also give the
gift of disengagement". That I'm
not picking that up, there. So
sometimes you have to give
compassion, forgiveness to others,
and to yourself. And, while your
taking these small steps. It
might take several years to get
that new tradition in place. It's
not gonna happen right away, so
let's take some time to get it
done. So that's the end of our
webinar today. Thank you for
coming. We have a webinar
coming up. Next week to finish
our series. "Being Content with
the Season", next week. We will
enjoy that right before we have
our holiday break and thanks
again for listening and look
forward to talking with you
next week. Bye bye.