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Here’s a well-known fact:
All you unsaved trash out there
have no idea what constitutes
a Bible-based marriage.
And here’s a little known secret:
Neither do Christians!
And that’s why the Lord has called upon me –
America’s Best Christian –
to teach all of you His definition of marriage.
Pay close attention
because He’s rather inventive!
In the beginning of time . . .
Say, 6,000 years ago . . .
God created one man and one woman.
They had two children. Both had penises.
You might inquisitively ask,
“Lord, if Adam and Eve only had boys
where did the grandchildren come from?”
Trust me: You’re not going to like His reply!
A Bible-based marriage is between
one man, one woman
and the son she seduces
after he’s killed his only brother.
A family that slays and lays together
stays together!
True story:
Abraham, the Father of Three Faiths
(two of them total rubbish!)
married his sister!
If that wasn’t sordid enough,
slutty sister Sarah invited Abraham to have sex with her maid,
someone named Hagar.
Such an appallingly butch name!
A Bible-based marriage is
between one man and his sister.
And the help!
Goodness me, Lord! The help?
Doing the help?
I don’t even speak to mine.
Quick! What’s the Lord’s favorite way to punish a man
who rapes an unmarried ***?
Anyone?
Marriage! Yes, a Bible-based marriage is between
one woman and her ***!
Mazel tov!
Remember how God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of kosher salt?
So a Bible-based marriage can sometimes be
between one man and a kitchen condiment.
Bon appetit!
So what do you do if you run out of
close relatives or servants to marry?
Well, the rather crafty Lord has a
fabulous tip!
Just drive over to the nearest town
and *** everyone who either has a ***
or has seen one.
Then, just round up all the virgins who are left.
Of course, you don’t need to take a big truck
if you try this in, say, America.
A Bible-based marriage is
Between one man, a gal who’s kidnapped and ***
right after her brother, father mother and slutty sister
are slaughtered!
Remember: In the Bible it’s not ***
if the man says, “I do!”
King David has a fabulous collection of wives
and a harem absolutely chockfull of athletic concubines,
whom the Lord had *** by David’s son
because the Lord was in a snit over some drama
concerning that troublemaking *** Bathsheba.
A Bible-based marriage is
between one man, a woman, another woman,
yet another woman, a few more women, an adulterer
and a pack of *** ***!
In a galling show of one-upmanship,
David’s son, King Solomon, had 700 wives.
And, because God loves to round up,
300 concubines,
which are really just live-in ***.
A Bible-based marriage is between
one man and, frankly, enough *** to make a
Mormon compound seem quaintly understaffed!
So what do you do when you can’t afford even one wife,
much less a pack of in-house hookers,
but you still have your little heart set
on having a son?
Well, the Lord shrewdly suggests that you inveigle a slave
into violating your daughter.
Voila! Problem solved!
A Bible-based marriage is between
on man, daddy’s little girl and the
slave daddy hired to *** her.
Try getting a Hallmark card for that!
The whole concept of marriage apparently bored
bachelor Jesus to tears!
Other than encouraging His buddies to abandon their wives,
about all Jesus said on the subject was that once you do it,
that’s it. No running off to Babylon to get a divorce!
So, clearly, in the Bible you can have as many wives as you want --
just as long as you have them all at once!
So, let’s recap the Lord’s idea of the perfect marriage.
It is between one man and . . .
His sister!
And her ***!
A kitchen condiment!
A gal who’s kidnapped and ***!
A few more women, an adulterer and
a pack of *** ***!
700 wives!
300 concubines!
And the help!
And a son who has murdered his brother!
But it is not between one man and another man
because, well, that would be immoral.
Survey says: 4 out of 5 evangelical divorcees
believe marriage is sacred.