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Previously on "Melissa and Joey"
Hey, Marco.
I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Zander.
If this is about me and Lennox, trust me
Nothing happened.
Joe would be so embarrassed if he
knew you told me all of his secrets.
You'll never guess that Joe
has a 13-year-old daughter,
he knows nothing about.
A secret daughter?
I feel good now.
All right, ahem.
I'm ready to do my vows now.
"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
"Joe, as we start our journey together"
(Stammering) I I have a daughter?
What what the hell
are you talking about?
Honey, I didn't interrupt
you when you did your vows.
You just told me I have a daughter!
With with who? Where is she?
None of this daughter stuff's important.
Or even true.
Go on, Mel.
Everyone wants to hear your vows.
Hey, Mel.
I need some answers.
Joe, now?
Joseph, my advice
If you're gonna put your life on hold
every time there's a report
of an illegitimate child,
you're never gonna accomplish anything.
Thanks, daddy.
Happy to help, pumpkin.
(Mouths)
Ahem.
Will you excuse me? I
I just need a minute.
Oh, uh We'll be back in a jiffy.
Um, this will be the perfect time
to admire the work of our florist.
Isn't Germaine fabulous?
(Theme music playing)
- It's all good
- All good
- it's okay
- Okay
- It's all right
- All right
As far as I can see
- It's all good
- All good
- It's okay
- Okay
- It's all right
- All right
I guess you're stuck
with me.
Sync & Corrections by Darcade
This information about your daughter
was told to me in confidence.
I get it.
You gave your word.
You don't wanna break it.
Who told you?!
Confidence means I can't tell you.
And please keep your voice down.
- (Door shuts)
- Theresa: Ow!
What? I didn't tell him anything.
- Theresa, come here.
- (Sighs) Look
All right, spill it.
I can't.
I just can't.
Okay, fine.
That's the
way you wanna play it,
then I might just have
to tell Mom a little story
about her beloved cat
who she thought ran away,
but actually ended up in the
tire treads of your minivan.
You know what? No one needs
to know about Mr.
Whiskers.
Yeah, and nobody will if you cooperate.
Capisce?
Okay.
Remember that new year's
after you graduated
when you came home to visit
and you reconnected
with you-know-who
from down the street?
- Felicia?
- Felicia.
- Felicia.
- So good, it's hot Felicia.
Now we know.
Okay, let's go get married.
Don't anybody go far!
Marco, go stand by the exit.
Nobody gets out.
I don't care what's going on in there,
this wedding is happening today!
You seriously believe that?
Absolutely.
Well, I wouldn't put money on it.
Hey, Len, since we have some downtime here,
I was wondering if maybe you could caption
some of these photos I
found on Marco's phone.
- Where did you get this?
- Oh, he asked me to hold it for him.
I'm guessing to make
sure I see the highlights
from your trip to Jersey.
Ooh!
Yeah, that one was my favorite too.
How could you not tell me
that I have a daughter?!
You never asked?
Are you almost done?
Because there's a bunch of people
out there waiting for a wedding.
Mom, how can you be so calm?
You just found out you have
a brand-new granddaughter.
Sweetheart, one crisis at a time.
Let's get you married, and
make this child legitimate.
That's not how it works!
Why didn't Felicia tell me?
I don't know.
You'll have to ask her.
Oh, but you can't.
She never
wants to talk to you again.
Oh, Felicia Mancini?
She was hot stuff.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, honey
After a baby, she's probably like this.
So where is Felicia now?
She moved to Fort Wayne to raise the girl.
The daughter's name is Dani.
Dani?
My daughter's name is Dani.
- Yeah.
- 13 years
I missed out on everything.
You know what?
I bet that I can find her.
Hold on a sec.
Hey, darling Good news.
One of the girls from Qantas says
I can stay at her place tonight,
so you don't have to worry
about getting me a hotel room.
Wow.
You always think of
others, don't you, Daddy?
Yes, I do!
Hash it out, lovebirds.
Joe, look
I know this is a lot to take in,
but I have been on a
juice fast for a week now,
so if we don't get married
in the next half-hour,
I'm gonna pass out.
And I passed the cake on my way in
(Voice breaking) And it talked to me.
Mel, I'm sorry, but I just found
out that I have a daughter
Oh, my God! Here's the link.
Wait a minute.
"Danny Mancini, proud dock worker,
died age 84.
" That might not be her.
Hey, are you guys okay?
Everybody's wondering what's going on.
You just walked away from me, Lennox.
Because something significant
is going on in here.
Well, I think something pretty
significant is happening here too,
'cause you were making out with Marco.
Uh, while you and I were on a pause!
On a pause from the truth apparently.
Could you guys take this maybe,
oh, I don't know, anyplace else?!
Knock-knock.
Just so you know
Uncle Eddie got into the champagne
and let the doves loose.
- My doves!
- Don't worry.
I'm luring them back into
the cages with crab cakes.
My crab cakes!
He's such a good boy.
Yeah, I don't know what
we'd do without him.
Would you put your phone down,
and please marry this girl?!
Give him some time.
Let him process this.
You have two minutes.
Okay, Zander, it was one
Maybe two or three kisses.
What is the big deal?
The big deal is you
told me nothing happened.
I can't be with someone I can't trust.
You're living with those girl roommates
Dancer Jordan and "I'm
allergic to bras" Chris.
How do I know I can trust you?
You know what? You don't have to
worry about trusting me anymore.
We're done.
Well, that's just perfect.
No Twitter, no Facebook
I thought kids today are supposed
to be all over the Internet.
Yeah, it's like she doesn't
wanna be found by a strange man.
(Knocks on door)
Hey, guys.
Um, is this a bad time?
Women: Yes!
Okay, I'm gonna make it quick then.
Uh, my plans for next year,
they do not include college.
- Okay, see ya.
- What?! Wait.
When did you decide this?
Um, a while back.
And, hey, listen,
since this wedding's kind
of like 50-50 at this point,
is it okay if I have some of the cake?
Don't you dare.
Nobody will notice.
I'll
take it from the back.
Okay, can't you see
this is not a good time?
I only had one lunch today!
All right, decision time.
What are we doing?
Let's get married.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll, uh I'll put my game face on
and just get through it.
No, Joe.
We can't start the rest
of our lives like that.
You need to get your head together.
Why don't you call Felicia
and get the whole story?
I have her phone number.
But
you didn't get it from me.
I lost my phone and you found it.
Oh, honey.
You don't need an alibi.
Her father's in the river.
He can't hurt us anymore.
What about the wedding?
We can get married tomorrow.
Sure.
Everybody stays put,
we put the shrimp on ice.
No reason this can't happen.
Won't this place already be booked?
Not on a Monday.
What idiot gets married on a Monday?
(Laughs, gasps)
My two favorite ones.
Felicia, uh, hi.
It's Joe again.
Um, I really need you
to call me back, okay?
Look, my number is, um
Well, it's the same as it was on the
other 12 messages that I've left you.
So Call me back, please.
Thanks, bye.
You know, she might not wanna talk to you.
Well, she's gonna have to if
I'm sitting on her doorstep.
Fort Wayne's only a two-hour drive
from here.
I'll call you from the road.
- Wait.
- Mel, this is something that I have to do.
I know, that's why I'm going with you.
Aw, honey.
To prevent me from flying off the handle?
Well, not just that.
But mostly that.
- (Deeply exhales)
- That's good, Joe.
Deep calming breaths.
And I will remind you once again
that Felicia holds all the cards here.
Yeah? I hold some of the cards too.
All right? Four-of-a-kind,
and they're all me.
So you feel no need to
make any sense right now?
No, I do not.
Joe.
What a surprise.
Yeah? Letting me fill your voice-mail up
didn't tip you off that I may show up here?
Hi, I'm Mel.
Joe's fiancee.
I was supposed to be his wife by now,
but a little something came up.
The daughter that I never knew I had.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you come in
and let me get you a glass
of matcha green tea before
you get back on the road?
I didn't come here for tea.
- We'd love to!
- I just
Oh, I'm so glad we caught you at home.
You almost missed me.
I
leave in a couple of days.
Oh, that's right.
You tour with rock bands.
Are you a backup singer?
Acupuncturist.
Aging rockers
Their backs go out all the time.
That makes so much sense.
How
did you get in that line of work?
- Well
- Really?
Small-talk now?
- Where is Dani?
- Dani?
Uh, Dani's not here right now.
When will she be back?
Pfft.
Teenage girls
Who knows? You can't microchip them.
How could you not tell
me that I have a daughter?
Felicia, you have such a cozy house here.
And look at all these buddhas.
You know, some people say he's overweight.
But I think he is just
comfortable with his own body,
and that is truly enlightened.
So what'd you tell Dani about me?
Just that her bio dad was an old friend
who helped me out by getting me pregnant.
"Bio dad"?
So what am I, like some
kind of a test tube now?
Why don't I get that green tea?
It's very calming.
Make Joe's a double.
And add some scotch.
Felicia, when am I gonna get to meet Dani?
Maybe when she's 18
and I can't stop her, you know, legally.
That's not right, Felicia.
Joe, it's been great seeing you.
Look, I put these in to-go cups.
You can take 'em with you.
And please, recycle.
I am not leaving here
until I meet my daughter
This has been great, but
we've gotta get going now.
- No, we don't.
- Actually, we do.
- Mel, listen to me
- Joe, now.
I am not leaving I
am not leaving, honey.
Ow! Hey!
Hey, you just pinched my elbow.
I think you're gonna wanna see this.
Bake sale?
You think I need a cookie right now?
It is a community fund-raiser
at Dani's middle school
happening right this very minute.
That's where she is.
Ohh
See? Other people have ideas.
I never said that you didn't.
You implied it with your tone.
No, it's just how you took it.
No.
(Overlapping arguing)
Watch the top.
Watch the top!
We're watching the top, ma!
You know, if it would
help, I could just kinda
eat the top down a little bit for you.
No, we need your appetite
for more important things.
Before all this spoils,
somebody has to eat it.
Start with the dairy and
work your way up to the meats.
That's a lot of food, Ma.
I can do it.
I was born for this job.
Okay, you deliberately sabotaged
my relationship with Zander.
You need to tell him what happened
between you and me was nothing.
So you want me to lie to him?
No! Tell him the truth.
As I remember it.
I don't know, Lennox.
If what happened between us was
nothing, then nobody would be upset.
And I don't think the nip
slip there in the photo booth
was an accident.
That's your ***.
Doesn't make it any less beautiful.
Would you be displeased
if I kissed you right now?
Oh, my God.
Just being with you reminds me
of what a great guy Zander is.
All right, so look, Mel,
when we get in there,
we will split up until
we find Dani, all right?
- It shouldn't be too hard.
- Okay.
(Girls chattering)
This is gonna be impossible.
No no no, we'll just go table
by table until we find her.
No, I meant staying on my juice fast
with all these goodies taunting me.
Okay, look, when we find Dani,
we've gotta stick to Felicia's story, okay?
At least for now.
Hello there, young lady.
Wow, look at all these
lovely things you've baked.
You've been working very hard, huh? Ooh.
So, uh, what's your name?
Why do you wanna know?
Oh, I'm just, uh, you
know, interested in
Young girls and their names.
What?
Is this man bothering you, Erica?
Erica, of course! Yes.
You don't look like me.
Heh.
Have a nice day.
You know the best stuff in this
whole bake sale is on this table.
Oh, you know what? They look great,
but I'm kinda on this juice fast.
You? But you're so skinny.
And it's just one little cookie.
- Well, okay, fine.
- Cheaper if you buy the whole bag.
Yeah, I don't need the whole bag.
Oh, I get it.
You're saving room for pie.
Good call.
It's only $7.
- No, thanks.
- Oh, I see.
Not your first bake sale.
Tell you what, I'll give you two for 10.
Really, I'm fine.
I'll throw in a bag of scones.
Wow.
Do you ever quit?
(Sighs) Was I coming on too strong?
People tell me I'm a little pushy.
I don't know where I get it.
Oh, my Joe! Joe!
I found the most amazing cookie
And it looks like it was
made with your batter.
Dani?
How do you know my name?
(Stammering) I'm I'm actually
An old friend of your mom's.
I've always wanted to meet you.
Why?
Well, um
Because back when I
When I knew your mom
How long ago was that?
Like 14 years ago.
So, my age plus
I don't know, nine months?
Sounds about right.
Then that would make you
My dad?
It would.
The *** donor.
(Exhales)
That's me.
The gay *** donor.
- Say what?
- Yep, that's him.
Mom told me all about you.
You were a backup dancer for Madonna,
and it was Mom's first tour.
And she asked you to do her a favor.
Okay, I'm I'm gonna clear
something up for you right now.
- (Chuckles)
- (Clears throat)
Madonna was a pleasure to work with.
Oh, my gosh! This is so amazing.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
You want a free bag of
bloodies or something?
Yeah, sure.
That would be nice.
Oh, my God! I have the best idea.
I should introduce you to our
theater teacher, Mr.
Ellington.
He's really cute and he just
broke up with his boyfriend,
so he's available.
We found her!
So, how do you feel?
I'm not sure.
I was at the altar ready
to marry my best girl,
and a few hours later, the
daughter I never knew is
About to set me up on a gay blind date.
Relax.
It's probably just coffee.
This this is not right.
Okay? I came all this way and Dani
doesn't even know who I really am.
Look, for Dani's sake, you have
to stick with Felicia's story.
(Sighs)
Mr.
Ellington will be
over in just a second.
He checked you out and wanted
to freshen up his hair gel.
That's great.
Listen
Dani, it's been so nice to meet you.
But I I have to go.
- But I just met you.
- I know.
And I'm sorry about that.
It's just
Mel and I are getting married tomorrow.
- This Mel?
- Mel
Vin.
My, um
Man-bride.
So tell Mr.
Ellington that Joe is
flattered, but he is spoken for.
Wait.
You guys are a couple, aren't you?
You're the ones getting married.
Oh, my God, I can't believe all these years
my mom lied.
My dad's straight?
What am I gonna tell my friends?!
Zander? Are you home?
Oh, boy.
Hey, I hope I'm not waking you,
but well, since I probably did
Um, can we talk just a little?
Hey, you.
What are you, uh
What are you doing here?
Look, I'm sorry I came
over without calling,
but this will be quick.
I should have been totally
up-front with you about Marco,
but, you know,
my less-than-honesty came
from a very good place.
It really did.
Yuh-huh.
It's just, you know,
the past two weeks that
we've been back together
have been amazing,
and I didn't want that to get all messed up
by some stupid kiss in a photo booth.
Because that's all it was.
That makes sense, right?
It does.
Makes a lot of sense.
And I think we should
talk about all this later.
Oh, okay, so you forgive me?
Of course I do.
It would be petty of me not to forgive you
for something that happened once.
Bye now, talk soon.
Zander, whoa, Zander.
You're acting kinda weird about this.
Well, I'm weird with joy.
Okay, well, listen, I'm
glad we worked this out
and we're back together.
Yeah, me too.
Zander, I woke up and you were gone, so
- Oh, hi, Leanne.
- It's Lennox.
Wow, sorry.
Uh, didn't
realize I was interrupting.
Okay, wait.
I can explain, okay?
After our big fight,
I thought we were over.
And I was feeling terrible, so Chris,
being a supportive roommate,
was just trying to cheer me up.
Okay.
Well, next time you break up with someone,
you might wanna wait, I don't know, um
Maybe an hour before you jump in
bed with the next woman you see.
Okay, in the future.
So
Now that we know the whole story here
And there are no good guys or bad guys
We can all get past this.
I'm already past it.
Wh
Good-bye, Zander.
But, Lennox
Yeah, Gloria, we found her.
Well, she's pretty much
just like Joe, only shorter.
Dani: You lied to me about everything!
And louder.
Yeah, they are getting to know each other,
and I'm staying out here on the porch
where it's safe.
Dani, would you just calm down?
Your aura, it's like bright red.
Probably because I grew up without a father
because you couldn't be
bothered to tell me the truth!
Hey, it's not all my fault.
Well, he didn't do anything.
He didn't even know I existed.
- You don't even know
- Mom, this is crazy!
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
if I can just interject something.
What would Buddha say?
Probably
"O.
M.
G.
, your mom totally sucks!"
Wait a minute, wait a
minute.
Look, maybe maybe
Maybe I did this the wrong way.
I just really wanted to meet you.
Maybe if we just take a little time
I could come back and we can try it again?
You're leaving?
Just for now.
Okay?
But I'm not saying good-bye.
Here.
I wrote down my number for
you on a piece of paper.
Okay?
You call me anytime you want.
Okay?
Ooh, I think he's coming now.
I'll keep you posted, Gloria.
Of course you'll be
first.
Yes, before Theresa!
Well
At least I got to meet her.
They're packing up, leaving tomorrow.
Going on tour with Cheap Trick.
Ooh, Cheap Trick.
Do you think
Felicia could get us backstage?
I don't have to know right away.
This is what her mom wants.
You know, and as the test tube guy,
I don't really get a vote here.
I know this has been a tough day.
I just wish there was a way I
could make it better for you.
There is.
Marry me.
Well, that I can do.
And let me pick the radio
station on the way home.
Yeah right.
Come on, honey, please.
(Overlapping arguing)
(Groans)
I don't wanna go in there and have
to explain this to everybody, Mel.
I think I'm just gonna
sleep in the garage tonight.
Look, you'll see Dani again soon,
and the next time it'll be easier.
I just gotta clear my head.
Well, I can help you with that.
Our house is full of
our relatives right now.
- Well, how about in the car?
- Are you serious?
Right here on the street? Where
anybody walking by can just see us?
Let's do it.
Hey, guys.
Dani?
What what are you doing here?
Like I was gonna miss my dad's wedding.
Does your mom know that you're here?
Are you kidding? She'd
ground me till I'm dead
if she knew.
(Gasps)
Oh, by the way, you guys
got $375 for the cab?
Well, let's say $400.
Cab driver should get a tip, right?
Oh, look at her,
being all responsible and stuff.