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[horns honk]
- Hey, Jack.
- Congratulations, Lemon.
I see you read my memo about having
more catchphrases on your show.
What catchphrases?
Oh, are you talking about
[Brooklyn accent]
If your man leaves in boxers
and comes home in briefs,
That's a deal breaker,
ladies.
If he wears
an Atlanta falcons jersey
to your sister's wedding
[imitating Jenna] "That's
a deal breaker, ladies.
"
This is gonna be huge
for Jenna.
And for me,
'cause I wrote that phrase.
If you say so, Lemon.
Jack, is this really
what you wanted to talk about?
What else is there
to discuss?
Oh, really?
You're gonna do
the repressed Irish thing?
Be Italian
for like one second.
I'm-a Jack.
I don't know who my father is.
I'm-a so emotional,
I'm gonna smash these barrels!
We're not discussing that
because I've made a decision.
I don't wanna know
who my real father is.
Are you kidding? Why?
You know what family
means to me, Lemon?
Resentment, guilt, anger
Easter egg hunts
that turn into knife fights.
Why would I wanna invite
more of it into my life?
Why would I want more family?
Because maybe he's awesome.
Look, why don't you just
ask your mother who it is.
No, no.
Not colleen.
She had her reasons for keeping
this from me for 50 years,
And I don't want her
to relive it.
Also, I want something
really juicy
To whisper to her
on her deathbed.
Look, Jack, I don't have
a lot of personal
life experience,
But if I have learned anything
from my Sims family
When a child
doesn't see his father enough,
He starts to jump up and down,
And then his mood level
will drop
Until he pees himself.
Why don't I have
any other friends?
[exciting jazz music]
♪
Come on in, Jack,
I'm just practicing sitting.
Tracy, why did you never
try to find your father?
- Because he's dead.
- How do you know that?
Because I'm rich,
and if that man was alive,
He'd be living
in my pool house,
And I'd be paying him $200,000
a year to mow my lawn.
Exactly.
That's all family
is--a drain.
I feel like you're not
tellin' me something, Jack.
Let me guess--you bought
a sidecar for your motorcycle,
And your dog won't stay in it.
No, Tracy.
I found out I don't know
who my father is,
And I'm not sure
I ever wanna know.
Why? Jack, every man
should know his father.
- That's easy for you to say.
- No, it wasn't.
I struggled
through that sentence.
But I'm know what
I'm talkin' about.
Because not long ago
A son I didn't know about
found me.
[gasps] What?
My love child
tracked me down.
I was shocked, scared, angry,
like a dog in a sidecar
When it comes loose
from the motorcycle.
But it turned out to be
One of the best things
that ever happened to me.
Huh.
Thanks, Tracy.
And you know who else
loves deal breaker?
Bret Michaels.
We have the same publicist,
and she said
he'd love to come here
And dress in the same outfit
and do it with me.
And also,
he wants to be on the show.
You know,
they used that catchphrase
On Sportscenter last night.
Rangers on the power play.
Oh, Avery!
That's a deal breaker, ladies.
[laughs]
This is it!
This is the defining
thing of my life!
It's not gonna be
that hit and run!
Jenna, calm down.
Oh, Liz, try to imagine
how excited you would be
If something of yours
blew up like this.
This is mine, Jenna.
I wrote it for you, remember?
Right! It's ours.
That's what I meant to say.
There's a reason
you're the writer.
[giggling]
Everybody, gather up.
Actor announcement.
No--human announcement.
There's something I want you
all to hear directly from me
Before you read about it
in next month's issue
Of black entrepreneur
and butts magazine.
I have a illegitimate son.
- [gasps]
- Oh! Feigned surprise.
Obviously, my family and I
wanted to keep this private,
But somehow, those vultures
in the media found out about it.
Like a dog in the sidecar
When it comes loose
from the motorcycle.
But it turned out to be
One of the best things
that ever happened to me.
Huh.
Thanks, Tracy.
SoShould we continue
our interview?
Oh, no!
Now, I didn't know about this
boy up until three years ago.
But I've been supporting him
financially ever since.
- And I want you all to meet him.
- He's here?
I want you ***
to meet my ***.
My baby boy, Donald Jordan.
Hey, how's it goin', y'all?
Pop, can I have $1,000
for something I need?
Well, as long as it's for
something you need.
- I love you, man.
- I love you, daddy.
Oh, Len, come in.
Thanks for meeting me here.
- This is my office.
- I know.
But once I'm in the building,
I can get into the cafeteria,
And that means free ice.
Right.
So what did you
dig up for me?
Well, I was surprised
when you called me
About finding your father.
Especially since you called
on the old home line.
Hasn't been ringing much
since Marcia left.
I guess in
the divorce settlement,
She got all our friends.
I gave my gun to my pastor.
You know, in case I get
the old gloomies again.
So do you have anything
for me, Len?
Your father's name
and contact information
Is in this envelope.
I'm sorry.
I'll give ya some privacy.
[dramatic jazzy music]
Oh, God.
There's no way
that's Tracy's son, right?
That guy is scamming him!
May be.
Donald did look pretty old.
I know.
But I do have a hard time
telling ages with black--
Shoes are the best
kind of shoes.
How old do you think
I am?
- 25.
- 50.
I am 33.
How old do you think
Samuel L.
Jackson is?
- 50.
- 25.
Mr.
Jackson is 61.
Wow!
Okay, what about this?
Maybe Donald's is Tracy's son
because maybe Tracy is 60.
- No.
That's ridiculous.
- Think about it.
He can't rap.
He has diabetes.
A lot of his friends
are dead.
He falls asleep in chairs.
He doesn't know how
to use a computer.
- He's always mad at the TV!
- His favorite show is NCIS.
- He might be 70!
- Or he's getting scammed.
Lemon.
[snapping]
I don't get it.
There's three names on here.
Without hard DNA evidence,
Len was only able to narrow
my father's identity
Down to these three men.
Mamma Mia!
It's a Mamma Mia!
- What?
- Nothing!
Don't push it, Liz.
Let it happen.
There's gonna be a Mamma Mia!
See what happens, Lemon?
See how complicated family
always is?
What am I supposed to do,
fly around the country
Trying to figure out
which one is my father?
They could come to you.
We could trick them
into coming here,
And then we'll sing on the dock!
What are you talking about?
It's Mamma Mia!
The international
film songsation?
Based on the jukebox musical?
The songs of Abba?
It's a movie, Jack!
Should we just watch it
real quick?
This was too much trouble
when it was just one person.
- I'm out.
- No, it's perfect!
We Mamma Mia these guys.
We get them here
under some pretense,
Figure out which one
is your dad,
And then if it's someone
you don't want in your life,
You walk away.
How do we even
get them here?
They won a contest--
A trip to new york
and tickets to TGS.
All right
You get them here.
I'll meet with them.
But that's all I'm promising.
And all I'm promising
is a madcap musical romp,
dot, dot, dot,
fun, dot, dot, dot.
Good!
That was on the poster.
Why won't this stupid gizmo
do what I want?
I'm gonna miss
the lotto drawing.
Ahem.
Hey, Tracy
You're 39, right?
Of course.
Why would I lie about my age?
I'm in the entertainment
industry.
Right.
Hey, you know, Liz
and I were just talking about
That old Rob Base song--
It Takes Two.
Yeah, everybody our age
knows that song, right?
Ladies love me,
girls adore me ♪
I mean even the ones
who never saw me ♪
[together] Like the way
that I rhyme at a show ♪
The reason why, man,
I don't know ♪
So let's go, 'cause ♪
[falsetto]
It takes two ♪
to make a thing go right ♪
It takes two
to make it outta sight ♪
Not familiar.
But what about this song?
Gee, it's great
after being out late ♪
Walkin' my baby back-- ♪
- How old are you?
- 39.
Well, if you're 39,
how old do you think Donald is?
- I'm 21, right, dad?
- Yes, you are, son.
That's what
that birth certificate
You printed out for me said.
Hey, you got that check
for me?
Of courseAnd I left
the amount blank
Just like you asked.
Donald's openin' a dojo.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
I'm-a teach karate
and whatnot to kids
Or whatever.
Startin' a small business
is expensive!
- I bet it is.
- Hey, remember this song?
If e'er a fair maiden
a knight chanced to see ♪
Astride his fair steed
to spy ♪
Miss Lemon,
the contest winners are here.
[gasps] My three dads!
[knocking]
- Are you ready to meet them?
- [whispers] Yeah.
Jack, this is George Park.
He's Korean.
Oh! Okay.
Welcome, Mr.
Park.
And, uh, this is
Fred O'Dwyer.
Mr.
O'Dwyer,
tell Jack the story
you were telling
in the elevator.
In world war II,
a *** grenade
exploded my genitals.
[mouthing "pop"]
Oh.
SoNo children,
right?
No chance.
Looks like a bowl
of spaghettios down there.
[mouthing words]
And Jack, this is
Professor Milton Greene.
Nice to meet you.
[husky Jack voice]
And it's nice to meet you, Jack.
[clearing throat]
[normal voice] Sorry.
There was
something in my throat.
I'm Milton Greene.
Have a seat.
[mouthing words]
Oh, Jenna has a photo shoot
for Time Out magazine.
- For what?
- UmNothing.
They're gonna name her
the funniest woman in new york.
Oh.
What time do they
need me there
To make her seem funny?
Look, I know you're upset,
but Jenna fully acknowledges
That you write the deal breaker
sketches together.
Yeah, we write them
together.
She texts her gay friends while
I write till 4:00 in the morning
Eating dry fistfuls
of raisin bran to stay awake.
Which, by the way,
Is how I'm able to ride the fart
train to work every day.
LizHey.
This is your job.
This is what you signed up for.
I know.
I like it when you use your
calm, reasonable dad voice.
That's the voice you should
use when you tell Jenna
That I'm gonna be in
that magazine with her.
I'm-a save this for later.
Look at that scammer.
What 21-year-old
wraps up half a muffin?
Hey
Kenny.
Well, hello, stranger.
- Do you like magazines?
- I sure like S&M magazines.
S&M is my abbreviation
for super and magical.
[chuckles]
Yeah, well,
I'm selling magazine
subscriptions
To benefit the, uh,
community center.
- How many you want?
- Four?
Great! That's like
$80!
I'm-a get your address
from my daddy.
Oh, instead of doing it now.
Good plan!
We gotta stop that guy.
How can we prove to Tracy
that Donald's lying?
Well, I've asked Cerie
To look into getting a copy
of his birth certificate.
No.
You can't get someone
else's birth certificate.
I know, because I've been
trying to steal
My dead neighbor's identity
Because sometimes
it feels like too much,
And maybe daddy just needs
to get in the car and drive.
We gotta catch Donald
in a lie.
What else
do we know about him?
Well, he claims
to know karate.
That's gotta be bogus.
But how do you test someone's
knowledge of karate?
I know karate.
Um, so gentlemen,
Is there any history of mental
illness in your family?
[laughs]
Oh, don't get me started.
My cousin
killed everyone at his job.
How 'bout you, Milton?
No, no, the Greenes
are sharp as a tack,
Right to the end.
Which makes the end
all that much more terrifying.
My father died screaming.
oh.
Greene--
that's sort of a vague name.
You meet a lot of other Greenes
at yourChurch?
Christmas?
We're agnostic
secular humanists.
Sure, but if you
had to pick
Is that you and Tom Delay?
Uh, yes.
"The Hammer" is a hero of mine.
- [snorts]
- I-I'm sorry.
Did you just snort at our former
house majority leader?
He was never my house
majority leader.
You've got to be
kidding me.
Here's Tom Delay's legacy
to the United States:
Raping the environment,
waging an illegal war--
History will validate
the liberation of Iraq.
I was talking about
the war on drugs.
Not to mention the hypocrisy
of espousing family values
While demonizing single mothers.
What would you know
about single mothers?
What would you know
about families?
I will not be spoken to
this way.
I'm a contest winner.
And a professor
at Bennington College.
[laughing]
OhBennington!
How's that going,
teaching all those kids
That couldn't
get into Middlebury?
- How dare you!
- How dare you.
You are a huge
disappointment to me.
I do not understand why
we're yelling at each other,
But I am not accustomed
to losing an argument.
So you know what?
Screw you.
And your fakakte contest.
[door slams]
Oh God no!
Looking beautiful.
UhI'm gonna
get some tape.
Oh, my God, Liz.
I'm so glad that
you've insisted on doing this.
Yay! Well, thank you
for so graciously including me.
I know this kind of thing is
all that you have in your life.
Aw!
Wait--what is that?
what is that stuff?
I just thought
that for some of the pictures,
It'd be fun
if we got a little wacky.
[giggles]
Okay, look.
I know you've never
done this before,
But I had to learn the hard
way--don't use the props.
They always try to get you
to take one funny photo.
That's always the one they use,
and you look like an idiot.
That's always
the one they use, huh?
Don't do it.
Just open your mouth a little
And try to look like
Lindsay Lohan.
Great.
Fabulous, ladies.
You look beautiful.
Now, Jenna, catch the chicken.
Nice try, pal.
Not my first time
on the merry-go-round, chief.
Not gonna do it.
Staying like this--
serious and ***.
I don't know.
With the chicken,
it could make a great cover.
I'll hold the chicken.
[laughing] Great.
That's great.
That's so great.
Now act like
the chicken farted.
Yes, yes.
You're the funny one.
Great!
That's so great.
I am Lutz.
I understand you study
the art of the empty hand.
I challenge you to kumite!
Hah! Whhhh! Eeee! Whooo.
Front kick.
Front kick!
Uh, uh, escape kata!
Ow!
Pete, Liz, I see you!
Help mommy's baby!
[sobbing]
help mommy's baby!
Jack, what did you
say to Milton?
If Cornel West weren't speaking
at the new school tonight,
I think he would have left.
He should leave.
It's exactly what
I was afraid of.
More family,
more aggravation.
- I'm walking away.
- Why? He's just like you.
He's smart and worldly,
And he's really good
at making fun of my shoes.
When he saw these,
He asked me when my cult
was committing suicide.
Okay, that's pretty good.
But Milton Greene and I
are nothing alike.
I have one scotch
with the guy,
And it devolves into a screaming
match about tom Delay.
So you have a couple drinks,
fight about politics,
And then you take it personally
when he doesn't agree with you?
That's called
having a dad, Jack.
Don't walk away.
I think you'll regret it
if you do.
Or I could regret
telling him.
Why would a man like that
want me as a son?
Maybe he won't.
I don't know.
But so what?
Yeah, it'd hurt,
But then you'd just go back
to being Jack Donaghy,
Which is pretty cool.
Thank you.
My hair just dries like this.
Exactly.
Or you tell him,
and he starts crying
And you hug,
and then you have a dad.
Which is pretty cool too.
- Maybe you're right.
- I am right.
Either way,
you're gonna be okay.
One of those two things
is gonna happen.
There's no weird third thing.
Thank you, Liz.
By the way,
did the medical supply store
Where you bought those shoes
have anyWomen's stuff?
[chuckles]
Well, Donald obviously
knows karate.
We still don't know how old
any African-Americans are.
Oh, that reminds me.
I got the birth certificate
that you asked for.
You did? How?
The guy at the place
just gave it to me.
You will get old someday.
[gasps]
Tracy, stop writing
that check.
He's 40.
Don't sign that.
Okay.
That was to put
in Dotcom's birthday card.
But you're right
The card is enough.
Tracy
Donald is older than you are.
He's scamming you!
I know.
I'm sorry, what?
Liz Lemon,
I may hug people too hard
And get lost at malls
But I'm not an idiot.
Then why are you giving him
all this money?
When Donald came to me,
He was a fast-talking charmer
From the wrong side
of the track.
He reminded me of someone,
Liz Lemon--
John Travolta's character
from Grease!
And me.
So giving Donald money
is what--charity?
Call it what you want.
But in the last three years,
Donald has gone
from scamming celebrities
To being a small business
owner.
The dojo is real?
And the community center
is thriving.
You know Kenneth's $80
bought a chess set
And a crate of condoms?
Those kids are really lucky.
[knocking]
Hey.
Daddy, do you wanna
go uptown and see the dojo?
Or should I say the Tracy Jordan
institute for black karate?
[whimpers]
That's what y'all namin' it?
Thank you, son.
Thank you.
Well, I hope you're
happy with your cover.
Oh, boy.
They went with birthing
the chicken on the toilet.
Why didn't you
listen to me?
Because I thought
you were just trying
to keep me from being
in the magazine.
I was just trying to keep you
from embarrassing both of us.
Well, you wanted attention.
You got it.
I hope you're happy.
I'm on the cover!
And this is
the backstage area.
Kenneth, I'd like to speak
with Mr.
Greene for a moment.
And as head of this tour,
I'm going to deny your request.
Uh, Milton
Do you remember a woman
named Colleen Donaghy?
Sure.
[laughs] That takes me
back a few years.
- 1958?
- Yeah, right.
She rented me a room
when I was a graduate student.
One month I couldn't pay,
So she said maybe there was
something else I could give her.
- So I gave her my radio.
- [softly] Oh.
And a couple of weeks later,
we got drunk and had sex.
UhOkay.
I'm Jack Donaghy,
colleen's son.
I was born around
nine months after that.
Oh, my God.
Wha--wait a minute.
I-is this contest
some Mamma Mia thing?
Milton
I'm your son.
OhOf course you are.
I should have known
the minute I saw you.
I have a son!
A beautiful son!
And I have a dad!
Fate has brought us
together, Jack.
You opened a whole new
chapter in my life!
Yeah.
Isn't it amazing?
Oh, you don't know
the half of it!
I need a kidney!
[laughing]
Oh, God!
This is so great!
[laughing]
Subtitle by: kiasuseven