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Hey, diary.
Okay, so as you know,
things got kind of awkward
between Richard and I
when he started dating Kendall.
But now it's really all good.
We're back to our professional,
mature office relationship.
Okay, if you could just
sign there for me.
And if you could sign, uh,
just there, as well
that would be one-fourth.
Something wrong?
Nothing.
Um, just another little
That's it.
Just a
He's just such a great friend
who I'd like to kiss.
Don't stop me now
I'm having such a good time
Good time
I'm having a ball
Super fun night
Don't stop me now
'Cause I'm havin' a good time
I don't want to stop at all
Super fun night
Super fun wild night
Okay, I have a serious question
to ask you.
Okay.
Would you rather have
caterpillars for eyebrows
or fingers made out
of mozzarella sticks?
Um, caterpillars, obviously.
Mm.
Because when they
turn into butterflies,
I'll look smashing.
So, honey, you and Kimmie
seemed to be having fun
in the break room today.
Oh, yes.
We were playing that game
"Would You Rather?"
For instance, would you rather
have barbecue sauce on your chin
for two years
or a mullet
for the rest of your life?
I would never put myself
in the position
to do either of those things.
It's a game, Mr.
Spock.
How interesting.
Uh, listen, Richard,
I was thinking maybe it's time
that we tried
to fix Kimmie up with a guy,
so she has someone of her own,
you know,
like how I have you.
Yes.
Well, I'm not sure Kimmie would
be up for that kind of thing,
but, um, well, who
who did you have in mind?
Oh, I-I don't know.
Um
Oh!
What about one of your
soccer-team buddies?
Tony?
Oh, the handsome guy
who built his own boat?
No.
I don't think
she's in Tony's league.
Oh.
Uh, I was thinking maybe more
your friendJames?
I mean, he's lovely, but
How do I put this politely?
He's a bit of a ***.
Mm, yeah, you're right
he is kind of a ***.
- He's a complete ***.
- He is.
Look at him there.
God, they are perfect
for each other.
He's What?
- Him?
- No.
- Him?
- No.
- Him?
- No, he's gay.
- This guy?
- No, sorry.
That guy?
Nearly.
It's this guy, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, James.
He's a real sweetheart.
I took one look at him,
and I thought of you.
You never know
He could be the one.
Yeah, he definitely
could be the one
who makes me feel not so bad
about being alone.
Oh, come on, Kimmie.
It's one date.
Just say you'll think about it.
Okay.
Fine!
But I'm sick of people
coming in here all day,
trying to set me up with guys!
- Gah!
- Really?
No.
I just wanted to say that
once before I died.
So, they literally showed me
this photo of five hot guys.
And guess which guy
they set me up with Mister
Well, that doesn't mean anything.
You can't judge a guy
from one pic.
Yeah, look at us.
I mean, we've taken some duds,
and we're the most photogenic
people I know.
Maybe you're right.
Hey, it wasn't love at first sight
with these pant-a-lankets,
and now
You'd have to wrestle them
off me.
- I'll get it! I'll get it!
- Me! Me! Me!
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's up, bro-chachos?
Well, our apartment's
getting fumigated.
They found a new kind of bug.
It's like a hybrid between
a bedbug and a cockroach.
We could end up in a science
textbook No big deal.
What's your point, guys?
We need a place to stay
tomorrow night.
- Sorry, boys.
- No vacancy.
Make like spring break at Cabo
and get a plan "B.
"
Marika, what are you doing?
Well, they're like stray cats.
If you feed them once, they're
just gonna keep coming back.
They are our friends,
and friends help each other
in times of need.
Wow.
While you were saying that,
I think I became a better person.
- Aww.
Come here.
- Come here.
Besides, if we let them in,
I get to spend extra time
with Benji.
Okay, fine.
I'll go upstairs and get them.
Hey.
We don't have a plan "B.
"
Okay, guys.
I've thought about it,
and I will meet your friend.
- Great!
- But I have some conditions.
Okay, one
You're coming with me.
It's gonna be a double date
in case it double sucks.
Kendall and I would be delighted
to join you.
Wouldn't we, Kendall?
Can we ask me that later,
when I'm on my cellphone,
so I can pretend to not hear you
and hang up?
Okay, condition two
We're going to someplace fun,
like a hovercraft ranch.
- Yes!
- Or a water park
where they have dolphins
that serve Italian food.
- Yes!
- Fffhhtt! Fffhhtt! Fffhhtt!
Ffffhhhtt! Bon appé***.
Oh, I know!
We should go to Funcadia Arcade.
It's amazing.
They've got
skee-ball, air hockey.
They've got animatronic bears
that sing rollicking songs
from the public domain.
Do they serve cyanide,
or should I bring my own?
Let's put it to a vote.
- Aye.
- Aye.
Aye.
Ooh.
Fun carries the day, Kendall.
- Yes!
- Whoo!
Hey! Oh.
Hey.
Thank you so much.
You won't even know we're here.
No problem, Benji.
Dan, did you really need
to bring that?
I debated it,
but I knew if I left it,
I was gonna want it.
- Oh.
Hey, hey, hey!
- Whoa.
Did you just pick up
a filthy habit?
'Cause you are smoking.
To what grand ball is our
Cinderella headed this eve?
Oh, nowhere.
Just Funcadia Arcade.
The Promised Land!
Well, it's a setup, so it's
probably gonna be really lame.
Hey, keep an open mind.
My parents met at an ***,
and they're total soul mates.
Well, not everyone
can have that fairy tale.
- I know.
- Okay.
Stay positive.
I'll be back
in like half an hour.
I'm sure.
- See ya!
- Bye! Have fun!
I don't know what it is
about these places,
but I just get all goosey
when I come into them.
I mean, it's just fun everywhere.
Oh, Kimmie!
Kimmie! Kimmie!
Oh, hey.
- Hey, Kimmie.
- Hey.
Do I look all right?
You look amazing, Kimmie.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh, well, the sequins distract
from the fact that these pants
don't quite zip up.
So, where's this guy who you
think is perfect for me?
Oh.
Uh, J-James? James.
Um, he's over there.
- James.
- Oh.
Ooh, athletic.
- Hey!
- There he is.
Oh! I'm James.
Oh, hey.
I'm needing to go
to the bathroom.
- She's got a weak bladder.
- Oh! Me too.
Oh, yeah.
You have.
So, a little bit about me
I just moved here from San Fran,
Fog City, uh, Paris of the West.
Um, I like to travel.
I like exploring new cultures.
Something you might not know
about me I love movies.
I don't know if that relates
to anybody else, but
But, uh, I do
I love movies.
Um, what about you, Kimmie?
Um, what are you
What are you into?
Oh, I just really like to be alone.
Kimmie is from Tonawanda,
New York,
the large kitchen parts capital
of America.
Hey, well, there you go.
You know, um, we have a big
stove at my mom's house.
You do? What a coincidence!
- Yeah! I know!
- Isn't it? Amazing.
Oh.
This is good.
You know, I-I-I just
- I already feel like we're connecting.
- I do, too, yeah.
Yeah, I was just gonna say
the opposite of that.
Well, I mean,
opposites attract, right?
Do they?
Hey, I just like
this repartee we got going,
'cause it's just we're getting
in this discussion.
It's back and forth and back
and forth and back and forth.
Yeah, it's actually kind of
making me a bit seasick.
That's a great metaphor.
Do you boat?
And, thus,
the female tarantula
The show's almost over, right?
'Cause, uh, tonight's the
season finale of "Property Snobs.
"
America's next top
commercial real-estate agent
is gonna be crowned tonight!
- Go, Harvey Smurmner!
- Smurmner!
Ooh, that sounds great,
but it's "Slug Week"
on the Discovery Channel.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's
timeforslime!
- Um, you're a lawyer, right?
- Yeah.
Oh, what's your favorite
lawyer movie?
You know what mine is?
"A Few Good Men.
"
- So good.
- It's good.
Do you remember the scene,
um, Kimmie, when
when Tom Cruise goes
and he's like,
"Did you order the code red?"
And the judge is all like,
"Hey, you don't have to
answer that.
"
But then Jack Nicholson's like,
"You want answers?"
But then Tom's like,
"No! I want the truth!"
And then Jack's like,
"You can't handle the truth!"
That's not really
a realistic lawyer movie.
If you want authentic,
you should watch "Liar Liar.
"
Really?
No.
- Ah.
- No.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you crazy kids
go and try some games?
- Mama's got you some tokens.
- Oh!
Oh! That is awesome!
Okay, Kimmie, Kimmie,
there is this
There's this car-driving game
here, and it is like
It's just like you're driving a car.
- Whoa!
- Ah! Ah!
I-I-I can't even explain it!
I got to show it to you.
Come on.
Come on.
No, it's fun.
Oh, this is the one.
All right, um
Ooh! Let me get this
for you, ma'am.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Just close it for you.
Oh! Oh, oh.
- I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to close it.
- I'm joking.
- You got me.
- Yeah.
All right.
So, be honest
Were you excited about
this blind date or not?
Well, it wasn't totally blind.
I had seen a picture.
Ohh.
Was I making this face?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah?
God, you know,
that's my picture face.
I do it every time someone
points a camera at me.
Uh, this is my picture face.
I-I actually like that picture face.
It's kind of like I'm trying
to keep my eyes open,
but I also have a wallet
in my mouth, like
Oh, okay.
Hold on.
I'm gonna
Yeah, hold like
- I like it.
- That's it.
You got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Oh.
You know, usually,
when I get set up,
it is almost always with someone
who is kind of weird.
Yeah.
And I start to wonder, you know,
"Is this how my friends see me?
Or what is going on?"
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
But, um, I-I got to tell you
I think they got it right this time.
Well, I'm sorry
I'm gonna beat you.
Oh, well, let's see.
Okay.
- Ah! Ah! Oh!
- That's That's cheating.
- What are you looking at?
- Oh, this thing is, um, taking my money.
Oh, my God.
Look at those two.
- Huh? Oh.
Oh, them.
- Wow.
This might be a love connection,
after all.
Do you think so?
Totally.
Look at their body language.
- They're like two mutts in heat.
- Really?
Okay, good.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
No, no, um,
I think we should stay
because it's rude if we leave,
so, um
Oh, I tell you what
Why don't we play
a game of whac-a-mole?
- What's whac-a-mole?
- Whac-a-mole
It's exactly
as the name suggests.
Five moles pop out of holes,
and then you brain them
with a mallet!
Why?
Because it's fun, Kendall
That's why.
Um, do you want me
to get you a plate?
No, don't worry about me.
I ain't fancy.
Aah! Uh, Helen-Alice.
A lamp just fell on the floor
and broke.
I don't think it was me.
Do you possibly have a ghost?
- We got to check this out.
- She has a ghost.
They have ghosts.
They've got ghosts.
I can't stand this.
I feel like I'm camping again
in a yurt with all my brothers.
We can't just kick them out.
In my culture, refusing a guest
brings dishonor to the family.
That's just how we roll
in St.
Louis.
But if they decided
to leave on their own,
that wouldn't be our fault.
Marika, what's going on?
You're giving off
that weird bacony smell
you get when
you're plotting something.
Just play dumb, H.
A.
I've got a plan.
Uh-oh.
Let's start off with, uh
We'll do a picture face.
Picture faces.
All right?
Um, sexy face.
Oh-oh! I got one!
"You're riding
on a roller coaster" face.
Aah! Aah!
Ohhh!
Ohh!
- "Fun first date" face.
- Love it.
Love it.
- Okay.
Ready?
- Here we go.
Okay, he's do
Oh, we missed one!
- Okay, ready? Ready?
- Readyand go!
All right, yeah, yeah!
Did a mole kill your family?
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, great.
Just, uh, learning
some new things about Kendall.
She's a mole mass murderer.
Oh, I'm just better at the game
than you are, honey.
Never knew the English
had such slow reflexes.
It's no wonder the sun
set on your empire.
So, guys, what's next?
I'm only 20 tickets away
from a giant banana.
Oh, oh!
You know what we should do?
Um, Air Hockey Deathmatch
Two-on-two, us versus you guys.
- Yeah!
- Haaa!
- Whoo!
- Done.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Ooh, um, there's a table free there.
I'll get it before that girl gang does.
- Okay.
- Careful.
Oh, man, I got to hand it
to you, Richard
Oh, Kimmie's amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah, she is.
No, I mean, she's smart
and she's fun
and she's pretty.
I'm serious.
I think this might
really work out.
- Yeah?
- Aww, that's amazing.
Well, I wouldn't get ahead
of yourself if I were you.
You all right?
Yeah.
I'm just saying, you know,
let's all whoo
calm down a bit.
Right.
The table's free.
Let Operation Boy-Be-Gone begin.
Ohh!
I hope these guys
like Danish folk metal.
Is this Jens Rasmussen Nordvig?!
Yeah! Probably a little too
hardcore for you guys, right?!
Not at all! We love it!
I can't believe you guys
are Nord-heads, too!
Kobenhagen ub-lufter
am I right?
- Aah!
- Ooh!
Yeah!
Where's the defense, Kendall?
Oh, come on, Richard.
It's just a game.
Focus.
Oh, got it.
And goal!
And the crowd goes wild!
What's that they're chanting?
They want two servings
of the funky chicken?
With a little dippin' sauce.
Dip, dip, dip.
Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, d-dip,
d-dip, dip, dip, dip.
I know you think what
you're doing is hilarious, okay?
But it's actually quite childish.
And I'd appreciate it
if we're gonna play a game,
then we should just at least
have some manners
and some decorum.
Don't I'm I'm just saying.
I'm
What was that about?
Well, I-I just felt
that you were being a bit
unsportsmanlike, that's all,
especially James.
I don't
I don't like gloating.
Richard, come on.
We were just playing air hockey.
Puck you.
Ah, yeah, I know.
Sorry.
It's
Okay, what's going on?
I don't know.
I think, if I'm honest,
I just feel like
it should be you and I having
all the fun and not
Look, never mind.
Uh
I think I'm being a bit ridiculous.
No, I don't think
you're being ridiculous.
Don't play this.
I think it's rigged.
- Is everything o
- Yes, it's fine.
Emotions run high at Funcadia.
Our fridge is full,
so I guess we're going to
have to keep
all of this extremely fragrant
cheese out here.
Hope you guys don't mind
the smell.
No, not at all.
We have an air freshener that
smells like cave-aged Gruyère.
And just a heads-up
The high-pitched whining
you're about to hear
is from my sleep apnea machine.
It's gonna be
a little grating at first,
but, uh, it does keep me alive.
Also, full disclosure
because of some digestive issues
that I'd rather not go into right now,
I do tend to light it up
in the bathroom.
So if you see the red tie
on the door ***,
that means don't go in there
without a buddy.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I don't care if this makes me
a bad host
you guys are driving me crazy!
She's right.
You're gross, so scram.
Come on, guys.
Let's go back to our place.
Your place?
What about the fumes?
Oh, no.
The fumes were gone
by like 3:00.
We just thought it would be
disrespectful to the bugs.
They just died!
But I guess
their feelings don't matter,
and neither do ours.
So, um, maybe we should
do this again
Now that we co-parent
this banana.
Yeah, um, you know, Kimmie,
I would really like to,
but, um
I think your heart
might be with someone else.
Ahh, man.
I-I just I had told myself
that if you didn't immediately
tell me I was wrong,
then I would know it was true.
Well, it's just things are
a little complicated right now.
But
I-I really like you.
I really
And and maybe
those things could change.
Yeah, cool.
Um
Well, you know, if they do,
uh, you know where to find me.
Oh, no, I-I don't.
- How do I don't.
- Oh! Oh, shoot!
You know, I used to have
a business card,
but I gave it away.
UmHey!
I know where you live now,
so I will just stop by
every few days and check.
- Don't do that.
- I won't.
Yeah.
That was a joke.
That was a joke.
I didn't mean to sound stalkery.
- Yeah.
Um
- Well, um
Banana baby mama,
take care of him.
Oh.
Thanks.
You're sure you don't want to do
a banana split?
- I do, but, yeah, no.
- Okay.
Okay.
Oh, hey, uh, Kimmie?
This is my goodbye face.
This is my "I had fun" face.
I really like that face.
See ya.
Bye.
Call me crazy,
but I need more than three hours
of sleep at night.
- Could we come in?
- No.
Oh, come on in.
So, we talked about it,
and we had a change of heart.
Don't get us wrong We did a
lot of things right last night,
but we also made some mistakes.
So, to make up for it,
we brought you breakfast.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.
Wait.
This is just
two pieces of bread
and a handful
of nondairy creamer.
Yes, but while you enjoy that,
we would like to perform
Jens Rasmussen Nordvig's
entire first album a cappella
for you for free!
You're welcome!
Wait, wait.
I like having male friends,
but sometimes,
I don't see the point.
Yeah, it's like I always say
You put too many sausages
in the pot,
the water's never gonna boil.
Hey, Richard,
can I ask you a question?
Who do you have more fun with
Me or Kimmie?
What?
What are you talking about?
You know exactly what
I'm talking about, Richard.
Whenever you two are together,
you're always laughing
and giggling
like you're reading
a Dilbert calendar.
Stop exaggerating.
We're just friends.
And nothing's funnier
than Dilbert,
- especially that one
- Richard, it's a simple question
Who do you have more fun with
Me or Kimmie?
It's ridiculous.
It's like comparing apples
to apple pie.
Why can't you just answer
the question?
Kimmie.
If you must force the issue,
then I have more fun
with K-Kimmie.
Fine.
You have all the fun
in the world.
You can whack your own mole
tonight.
Oh, Kendall, uh
Hi, there.
This is nice, isn't it?
No, don't hit me!
Whack me.
Too slow!
Hey, I see you there.
Whac-a-mole!
Hit her, not me!
Ow!
Hello.
Are you sure
you know how to use that?
Not in the eye!
Try harder next time.
Dip, dip, dip, dip, d-dip,
d-dip, dip, dip!
I'm a mole.
Whack me.
You can't handle the truth!
Aaah!
Aaaah!
Don't whack me.
Better luck next time.
Game over!